I Think It's Time...

For two months I suppressed it. I continued to believe what was said, even when there was a hot boulder sitting in my gut.

I trusted too much and gave too much - in the end I got lies, half truths, my dignity stripped away and worst of all...

He raped me.

I've noticed that I make it sound like much less by saying that he 'sexually assaulted' me - but when you boil it down it was rape.

I was asked if I would do a certain sexual thing - I said no. I did consent to something else. We were in the midst of doing the thing I consented to, then without asking he started doing the thing I did not consent to, nor had I changed my mind and suddenly consented to it.

Apparently my saying no and to stop, finally made it's way through his foggy, alcohol soaked mind because he did stop. No apology or check in to see if I was alright. Went back to what I did originally consent to finished up and went to sleep.

I was left wondering if I had somehow made it seem like I did change my mind, did I perhaps make it seem like I wanted him to do that. In his drunken state did it seem like I had said yes...?

I went to sleep thinking that perhaps it was my fault that it had happened.
Woke up the next day and he didn't seem to acknowledge what had happened and I didn't bring it up, I was still trying to figure out what exactly had happened and did I in some way make that happen.

We went out together that next day and as time went on I buried it down and didn't acknowledge it. We went to friends house for a party and were having fun, there was drinking and merriment. Then suddenly I woke with a start at like 7 in the morning, he was laying there next to me, and suddenly I had an enormous panic attack. All I knew was that every fibre of my being was screaming at me to get out of that house and to get away.

I drove home. About halfway home I realized that I likely shouldn't have been driving because I still had too much alcohol in my system. Also that I had been his ride home and essentially left him behind.

I suppressed it all. Pushing the feelings down, and the emotions.

You see... I love him - yes still present tense. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that I could talk to him. I miss all the fun we had together, the places we went together, the things we did.
When those thoughts come up I just think about all the lies that he told me, all the ways that he used me, how he made a fool out of me, and then finally how he raped me that night in my own bed and then acted like nothing happened.

I'm thankful for the help that I sought out, and the positivity in my life now; because I'm still waking up smiling in my heart again.
I needed to get this off my chest. Up until now I had only confided in a few close friends as I still felt so very vulnerable with my healing. Now I'm feeling stronger, and ready to just clear the air around me so that I can go on with my life.

I know I'll never get an apology for all the hurt that he caused me, I have to move on without him ever admitting all the things he did.
It's been good now. I've moved so I no longer am sleeping in the room where he stole my control and sexually abused me.

I don't want to see him, I don't want him in my life anymore; he raped me.

He. Raped. Me.

On My Own.

On my first derby roadtrip of the year without him.
I did go to Montreal once this year without him, but had him on hand to send a message to when I was nervous or sort of freaking out.

I've picked up and put down my phone so many times because I've wanted to send him a message and tell him something funny, show him an old car, send a picture of a rooster, tell him about a conversation I had just had with someone.

I don't think we've ever gone over 24 hrs without sending a message of some sort in over a year and a half... I'm feeling the sting of it.

Dreaming... Can be weird...

I just awoke from this beautiful dream... It was quite amazing...
There was this wonderfully beautiful spirit of a man, who helped me (figure some shit that's not relevant)
I was at this hotel in this place I didn't know. I couldn't remember my room number...
He said he would help me...
He had this head of soft brownish auburn hair, it had this lovely natural curl to it. This charming almost impish type smile, with these beautiful dimples that appeared from no where when he smiled.
I had felt so lost - I had remembered my key code number to get into my room, but he helped me get to the front desk, get the info needed.
He put his hand at the small of my back as if to protect me from anyone else while I was feeling vulnerable.
I was escorted all the way back to my room by him, he insisted on carrying the tote bag I had with me.
As we got to my door, he had been talking to me the whole way with this soft tone, and just made me smile as he calmed my nerves.
After I got my door open, he gave me a charming smile a small wink, joked about a damsel in distress. When our eyes locked I couldn't breathe for a moment, my breath hitched slightly, I smiled as I began to try to thank him.
He stepped forward wrapping an arm around my waist and kissed me. Not hard or intrusive, not insistent or explorative - just this beautiful little lingering kiss that made electricity shoot through my body, my breathing stop, my eyes instinctively closed, and there was a trapped little whimper on my lips.
It lasted but a moment... But it was amazing... And that one kiss told me all I needed to know... When I opened my eyes his big brown puppy dog eyes were looking back at me, and he smirked and said 'You're welcome'

Then I woke up... Because I didn't recognize that man... But I know who he was...

I woke up smiling. My insides all a flutter and my lips feeling as though they had just been kissed.

I Still Love My Babys Poundcake

Sometimes the hardest thing you can ever do is give up...

I've always prided myself on the fact that I don't give up when doing something, or when I want something. I find a way to make it happen if I can.

As a recovering addict, and someone who has an addictive personality sometimes giving up is exactly what I have to do.

I've worked really hard on myself, to make myself better and look at myself in a better light.
I use to drink, do drugs, and have sex essentially wherever I could get it. I had to dig deep and learn some very ugly truths about myself - I was ashamed. I was selfish. I was uncompassionate. I was insecure. I was stupid. I was guilty. I was reckless.

Learning the ugly truths about yourself is how you can learn, grow and change to become a better person.

Counselling, 12 step program, Depression, Anxiety, Therapy...

I didn't want to hurt people anymore. I didn't want to sleep with others husbands...or wives... I didn't want to contribute to their immoral acts against their loved ones. I didn't want to continue to look for love in sex. I didn't want to just be a bed warmer for a few hours, day after day. I didn't want to be a part of disgusting behaviours.
I didn't want to wake up in the mornings anymore not knowing what happened the night before, not remembering who I may have been with and how I may have been with them.

Getting high...Getting drunk...Getting fucked...all pretty euphoric...all pretty addictive.

Soon that's how I would deal with stress...how I dealt with anything really...

Today I had to give up on someone...that's hard. I'm notorious for giving at least eleventy billion chances to people...

Hell I gave Sugarbear 4 years of my life - hoping that he would someday see that I'm a beautiful soul and a great person...that I make an exceptional partner in crime...that we could take on the world together and we would be unstoppable rockstars...
Oh yeah...and it nearly killed me... I nearly killed myself. I nearly lost myself in the depths of the darkest depression.

****

April-ish it would have been one year of me sitting on stand-by, being a pseudo girlfriend, partner in crime...well you get the drift... I told Poundcake this morning that I couldn't do that anymore.
I can't hold onto hope for something that isn't going to happen. I feel like after this long it's become blazingly clear that I'm not the one he wants. If I was, I feel like it would have happened.
So instead of making a fool of myself any longer while he stepped out with another, and drinks his life away...I said goodbye to that portion of our life. It makes my heart sore...we could have been the rockstars...we could have been the ones to take on the world together... we've always had so much fun together... we have so many inside jokes...funny moments that make us giggle... he could have had the love and devotion of someone... I could have had my Poundcake and eat it too...lol

In less time Poundcake... had me - fully and completely.
I told him things I never told anyone - I shared stories with him
We would talk for hours at a time about anything and everything...

Then things started to change...
He looked at his phone more often when I was trying to tell him something.
He stopped asking me about my day or how I'm feeling...
He stopped trying to make me smile as much...
He would say 'Pardon...' more often when I would watch his attention divert...
He became secretive...stopped sharing things with me..
He started drinking even more...would care more about the percentage of the alcohol in the drink than, what I was saying to him...
His quips became less banterish and more cruel...
It became funny to put me down in front of other people...
He stopped showing any signs of PDA... and would give me quick secretive kisses before getting out of the car...
He started caring more about the LCBO, the craft breweries, wineries...we hardly went to fleamarkets or out for walks anymore...
He use to wish me a good morning every morning with a lil emoji kiss...
He use to wish me a good night with a little emoji kiss...
The emoji kisses ...became few and far between...then stopped.

Even when all the changes started...they were all small...so I didn't really notice them...then I woke up one day and went...wait... why am I always texting first now...?

Then I realized it had been like that for a bit, and slowly the light was getting brighter and brighter on all the changes that had been happening...

And there was a dawning - if I'm no longer getting his attention and affections...someone else is..

I had a dream the one night that shook me to the core and I wasn't sure exactly why it shook me - the answer came last night when I saw the two of them together...

The silver fox and the tick disguised as the ladybug.

That's when I knew - I had to be done - because if I wasn't, I would go down the Sugarbear path all over again...

I was in such a white rage last night that I woke up so very calm this morning - that scary, quiet, very still calm - that's when I knew I was done.

I'm convinced now that I will never find someone that I love that will ever love me as much as I love them... Big Daddy... Sugarbear... Poundcake...

I'm done. My heart is broken. I will never find that someone that I love with my all and have them love me. Third strike... I'm out.

How can anyone hurt someone to this point?
How can they know that they have broken another persons heart and spirit?
How can they do that?

Not again.

Let's talk about 'Sex'...

Sex for so many is a means to an end... They want to get off... So that's the only thought behind it...

And of course there's so many different types of sex (the act of) nowadays.

I've come to realize that for myself... I want everything in my life to have meaning, to make me feel a joy in my soul as well as in my being.

When I come together with someone... I want to be fully immersed in that moment together, with them.

I want to run my hands and fingers over their skin, and see in their eyes that feels good... I want them to do the same, to watch as my breathing changes, my body trembles a bit as I fall deeply into that moment of pleasure.

I want to take my time with them, savouring every touch, every groan or whimper as the pleasure builds between us.
I want to be able to see, hear, smell and touch, everything in those moments...just see where it all goes without thought of do they like this...do they want to do this...
Just total immersion...and riding the waves with them as the journey moves on.

I want to lock eyes with them and just know that there's no where else we'd rather be then right there rising up together and just holding on as we get near the end.

Afterwards, I want to be able to lay there, slowly stroking their arm or leg or chest, as we lay entwined together coming down and recovering from the pleasurable experience that was just had, to be able to slowly disconnect and slip out of the immersion of it all, together.

I'm not discrediting a good quickie behind the shed, or something, because ya need some excitement sometimes... I'm talking with a loving partner in the bedroom, great sex.

Because really... If I just wanted to bust a nut... I can do that myself with an orgasm better than any I've gotten from others. That's not a slight to any partners I've had... I just know my body better.