why is it that every other day I can't sleep...???

last night was fine...went to bed..I dunno about three....had a good nights sleep...tonight/today....I'm not tired....I'm getting sick of this...it's fucking upu my system somthin' fierce...

Ever feel like the weight of the world is sitting on your shoulders??

I feel like that I have the weight of it sitting on my shoulders and neck...

my head won't stop hurting...my shoulders feel so tense...

The little girl turns to her toy and whispers in it's ear "I want to go home, don't you want to go home? I want to go home." She snuggles her toy and hugs it close to her, closes her eyes, sheds a tear for the home she doesn't know. All she wants is a home where she's comfortable. "I want to go home" she whispers over and over to the toy who won't tell. Her toy looks back her with knowing eyes and wants to comfort her but knows that it can't, it wants so badly to be able to hug her and make it better. " I want to go home too" screams the toy but knows that she can't hear. It hears her mumble in her sleep every night "I just want to go home" and it hurts so bad that it can't help her.

*shrug* thats been going thru my had for about a week or so... but no story came with it...just that...

the full moon is so beautiful in the early morning...its really pale against the bluing sky...if you ever have the chance...you should take a flight extremely early in the morning...the sunrise from a plane is absolutely breath taking...

damn my head hurts... Gawd it's going on 6 am...and I really need to sleep...

Just saw a story on the tv about a man who is 101 and loves the computer and surfing the internet... LOL I can see it now... I'll be 100 years old and still chatting with beautiful women and sexy men... LOL

I need to find a site counter that I can put on my blog... I'd love to see how many people do actually take a glimpse into my warped world on a regular basis... ya weirdos :P
I need to make sure the movies get back to the library before 5pm tonight...gawd I hope I remember..my memory about stuff like that is SHIT...

hopefully Shadow remembers to take the garbage out...Gawd I need to stop blogging somehow I just started my to do list ...LMAO

Don't know when/if I'll be online later... I'm going to Officers Training tonight...and then going to a Bif Naked concert...if you don't know who she is...go educate yourselves...look her up at www.google.ca ;) Good songs Lucky, Tango Shoes and Love Myself Today... Hopefully my head will stop hurting by the time the concert starts...

I've been told my blogs are too long... and persons who don't like to read won't read it... hmmm I guess I just have a lot to spew...and no it's not always about my broken heart, broken trust or feelings...no sometimes I just babble like this :P sometimes I express my views on stuff...hey and sometimes I have a good story to tell...so suck it up and read my damn blog..YA LAZY ASS!! LMAO

Gawd Shadow is gonna freak out that I didn't go to bed... what am I supposed to do?? go to bed and toss and turn and wake him up all night??? or stay out here and let him sleep??...I prefer to have a well rested Shadow going to work...rather than a bitchy grouchy Shadow...

OMG I'm so excited with the new smileys on yahoo (yeah shut up I have a small life) they made a new smiley that sighs!!! yes you read it right...it sighs...so now I can stop sighing like this *sigh* in the room...:D sometimes I love yahoo...other times I see it for what it is...THE DEVIL!!!!

Blog Ya Later

I went to bed after that last post... laid there... rolled over... rolled the other way... tossed and turned a bit more... all the while I was thinking... yet it was in a very Dr Suess kinda way... like all the thoughts that went thru my head rhymed... it was fucked up...so then I started thinking about the way I was thinking... Shadow asked me twice what was wrong... I just said I couldn't sleep... didn't tell him why... that would seem crazy... "Yeah it's strange hun I can't get to sleep because my thoughts are running thru my head like a bad Dr Suess book"... I think even he would have been weirded out by that... so shortly after five I decided to try having a cigarette... sometimes that helps me fall asleep... nope... was thinking about going for a walk... nah then I had to get dressed... so I opted to put in a movie... maybe I'd fall asleep to that... Paycheck... Ben Affleck and Uma Thurman... Good movie... bad sedative... I'm still up watching the special features... I hate this...if I fall asleep now at 8:40 in the morning I'll be in bed til 5 pm... if I don't get some sleep I'll be the biggest bitch in the entire world (hush you I know you're thinking I already am :P ) so that is my dilemma now... to sleep or not to sleep that IS the question...

I think I shall take my chances... cuddle up with Magilla and go to sleep...

I was going to sit here and write a seperate entry for the latest about stuff thats been going on...
but I'm just so drained... and I feel so empty inside...

I've tried so hard to put on the "I'm ok" act and to not let anyone know that it bothers me...

but fuck it hurts... it hurts so bad sometimes....

they hurt me without even knowing it sometimes... other times I think they hurt me on purpose just to see if I'll cry...

I'm trying so hard to stay in good spirits... I'd like to think that they care...

*sigh* why does it have to hurt so much?

I need to go to bed... maybe it'll be better when I wake up...*snort* yeah right...

Sometimes I sit here and wonder why...
and then I just sit and cry...
I lose all track of everything thats said...
because you're stuck in my fucking head...
I hate you so much...
Some days thats true...
I just wish I could keep that attitude...
It would make me feel better to tell you to fuck off...
And stop all the crying...
I'm not as weak as I perceive to be...
not that you'd care to even see me...
I want all the hurt to just go away....
but I just can't help it, every single day...
why am I rhyming this it seems really odd...
cause this is just random thoughts coming out...
strange how it happens sometimes when you don't notice..
I need to wake up, stand up and walk proud and tall...
and keep on pretending I don't miss you at all...
I hate you not saying it...
but I think I know why...
in the end it's all good...
I'd probably just cried...

who will dry the tears of the scared lil boy?
whose killed for his country and will have to do more..
who will dry the tears of the scared lil boy?
whose all alone in his own four walls...
who will dry the tears of the scared lil boy?
who won't show that he's scared no matter what happens...
who will dry the tears of the scared lil boy?
whose best friend is alcohol and smokes too much in a day...
who will dry the tears of the scared lil boy?
whose afraid if you get to close you'll hate him inside...
who will dry the tears of the scared lil boy?
who puts on the act so that you won't go away...
who will dry the tears of the scared lil boy?
when he can't come home for he's been deployed...
who will dry the tears of the scared lil boy?
I don't know who...will you?
He won't show you he's scared...or tired of being alone...he wants someone there everytime he comes home...He won't show you himself for he won't look inside and realize there's no reason to hide...People love him and he doesn't understand why.
who will dry the tears of this lil scared boy when he realizes he's not a lil boy?

Oh yeah btw thanks a lot to Night for convincing me to get the new yahoo..I love it...thanks.

B	Bold
A	Appreciative
B	Bashful
Y	Young
G	Glitzy
I	Industrious
R	Revolutionary
L	Luxurious
R	Radiant
A	Altruistic
E	Easy

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

R	Rounded
A	Awesome
E	Edgy

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

Had to...everyone else is...I had to submit to the peer pressure...LOL
Copy and paste this into the comment spot, a pm, an email or mail it to me direct...LOL

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Describe me in one word.
7. What was your first impression?
8. Do you still think that way about me now?
9. What reminds you of me?
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?
11. How well do you know me?
12. When's the last time you saw me?
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?