Ok so I'm back...

I've been so tired ....like I have never felt before... why can't I just get enough rest to feel good again?

I've been completely honest with Shadow and thats all that matters right now...

and he has just had to deal with the answer of "I don't know" ... Gods love him he is such a saint...

my baby is gone now...he left yesterday..I miss his cute little face...he is turning into such a big boy...

I've completely fallen in love with the song This Love by Maroon5...it's like it was written about me ...LOL

I'm supposed to be packing today...Shadow is gone to work and everyone else that was helping him while I was gone have all left...so I am all by myself today...which is fine with me...I'm sick of having to talk to people...sick of them looking at me sideways....sick of them trying to figure out what I'm up too by being here...sick of them judging me...I've stopped trying to explain myself to them...as long as Shadow knows whats going on in my head all is good...the ones who are directly involved with me are the ones who know whats going on and thats good enough for me...

I'm done trying to make people who don't care about what happens to me understand what is going on....
yeah yeah yeah my actions affect many many people but you know what...I don't care about all of them...I only care about my immediate family...and there are some of them that aren't "family" per se...everyone that is showing the fake caring just want to know how my actions are going to affect them... selfish bastards...

people have told Shadow to not allow me to stay with him...they've told him to kick me out...they've told him that I'm putting on an act and that I don't actually love him...they've told him to get a lawyer...they've told him to make me do this or do that...he's such a sweetheart...he's told them all to mind their own business and to pretty much fuck off...or he tunes them out... THEY HAVE NO IDEA what the two of us have been going thru...who are they to judge us...oh thats right...they are the people that cast judgment and throw stones when they are almost like me...

the human race sickens me...I hate you all...all you people that are fake, stupid, judgmental, back stabbers, gossips etc..

it's almost like people get off on others misfortunes, problems and so forth...oh my gods people why don't you get off your fucking high horses and look at your own fucking lives...stop comparing my situation to yours...stop telling me that I'm wrong...I don't know that and frankly you don't know that for sure either...

The Bunny has noticed the pattern that Shadow keeps doing...apparently...everytime I've come home Shadow doesn't talk to her all that much outside of work...hmmm why is that I wonder...is it because I don't trust her? is it because he feels guilty about being near her? ...I don't know...but I have to wonder if maybe he talks to her/close to her while I'm gone because he does want her...or because he wants someone to want him and he knows that she does...he's told me that he talks with her because she is the only one that hasn't judged me... Riiiiight like I'm going to believe that...just because she isn't verbalizing it doesn't mean she's not judging...who knows that she's not sitting there giving him the "I completely understand what you are both going thru" look because she wants him to believe that she is sympathizing with him...just so he'll feel close to her and that would make him want her because she is understanding...*laughing*
I'm the first to say that I don't much about her except from what Shadow has told me and from what I've read in her journal...
But I know women in general...and I know that when it comes to something they want you better watch the fuck out because they'll do anything to get it and not feel one bit of remorse about it...
Am I paranoid? maybe...is that a bad thing? no...not when it comes to women... "better safe then sorry" or maybe "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" hmmm...I dunno you pick the cliche for the situation...
Oh well...
Maybe she'll realize that to Shadow I'm more important than she is...

Apparently the meds that the doc has put Shadow on has made him crazy every few days...he says I'm going to be able to witness it first hand the next couple of days...I told him that it better not be as bad as he's told me it is or I'll kick his ass... he's taking a preventative for his migraines...and has to increase the dose every week until he gets to the dosage he's suposed to be at over a 8 week period of time...and every friday he increases the dose and by sunday he starts getting weird...well that will be oh so not good since we're moving this weekend and I would hate to have to kick his ass... but I will if needs be...since I'm in that kind of state of mind right now...

Yep thats right...I'm in the state of mind where if some one makes me mad I'm liable to beat the fucking snot out of them..hence why I'm glad I'm by myself today...I have to put up with my sister and brother in law tomorrow for moving...but hopefully it will be better than last time...*laughing* two years ago when we moved into this house SHadow almost took a round out of my mother...lol...she won't be helping tomorrow...

Anywy...I should get to work got lots to do today...and I'm ready for a nap again already...

Who fucking said I need your help? Did I ask you for it? Did I once saw Hey you over there can you stick up for me? NO I didn't...thats right...I didn't...

See the difference between me and you is that I don't give a fuck about what people think of me....you on the other hand ...you constantly crave attention, affection, love, support and all that bullshit...wake the fuck up you dumbass this is that the land of rainbows and lollipops...this is the real fucking world...the one where most people don't give two fuckin shits what you think, what you like, or even what the fuck happens to you...

I don't ask for help all that often...why you ask...well I'll let you know...because people don't fucking care...there are three people in my life that truly care about my well being...and I let them in on that...you are SO not one of them... why? well because frankly you disgust me...ha ha ha take that and fucking smoke it...

why would you care about what happens in my life? *waiting* uh huh thats what I thought...you really don't you just want to see if I'm worse off than you...so that you can smile and say well hell at least thats not me... you sick twisted fuck...why don't you pay a little more attention to your own fucked up life and get the fuck out of mine...

I was just called a coward for getting on a plane and running to another country...LOL I find that funny...because I never once denied it....not once... everyone has their flaws...mine happen to be that I have a huge problem with commitment and the gods thought it would be funny it make me choose one commitment or the other...Karma so sucks ass sometimes...LOL but I can't do anything but laugh about it now...what else am I going to do?? worry? fuck that..I'm sick of worrying...it makes me look really old....I don't liike it...
so what am I going to do about it? fucked if I know....seriously...I have no fucking clue...LOL If I knew then I would be doing it...

I had an interesting conversation this morning at about 2 or 3 this morning....i realized that I'm used to little changes...moving within the same region...even having kids...those were little changes for me....now I'm faced with a huge one and I've been dicking around about it...why?...I'm not quite sure to tell you the truth...I guess Huge change scares the crap out of me...and huge changes usually cost a lot in many senses... *sigh* what should I do?? I dunno...do you?
what would you do?
thats unfair of me isn't it?....yeah well it's not like I'm going to do something just because you said it would be what you do...

man I'm fucking tired..I haven't slept since 10 pm last night...then had a three hour car ride to the airport....than caught two planes...and another hour car ride home....

it has not been cool....everything here is louder...colder... it seems more "in your face"
I've been pacing like a caged cat...back and forth back and forth....
I haven't been able to retain a single thought for more than a nano second...
and I'm supposed to have a "talk" sometime soon this evening....egad...
I can barely remember the last sentence I typed...let alone string a coherent thought to explain my actions...
Maybe I'll just go to bed...and get some sleep...highly unlikely but it was a good thought while it lasted...

whew...ok ...yeah I'm going to bed...just started dozing at the keyboard....

GAME OVER *playing of cheesy pac-man music*

"FUCK THE MAN"

thats right I'm turning into an old hippy tree hugger...you know the ones chanting "down with the man" except the difference between them and me is....
they were talking about a faceless corporation or faceless government....whereas with me "the man" isn't so faceless...I know what his face looks like and he's gonna get a face full of me the next time he sees me....oh hell yeah... I'm not going to let him make me feel guilty enough to run...oh fuck no...when have y'all ever seen me like that....well believe me I tried it...it doesn't work well with me...not in the least....it made me into somebody I didn't want to be... I didn't like it... and now that I have woken up from it...he better fucking watch himself...

there's another "man" (I use the term loosely) that if I ever see him alone or otherwise will get a face full of me as well...him and his woman had better back the fuck up out of my life out of my business and away from my family...

I'm a Mama that has been pissed off, pushed to the limit and fuckin madder than hell...and I'm not holding that in anymore...

I was always told that I never expressed my emotions or feelings enough verbally...well watch out because thats going to change...DRASTICALLY....if you don't like it or can't handle it you better get a steppin' cause this is me...don't ask me how I'm doing unless you really want to hear the answer....

I'm sick of playin games...don't fuck with me unless you want to get fucked back...

no more hiding from reality...and if you have the need to hide from reality...wake the fuck up....smell the fucking coffee...even if it smells like fuckin waffles....grow up...playing games of any kind is for children... oh yeah you heard me...game playing to get away from reality is the cowards way of dealing with life...

I'm coming home...you don't like it...fuck you...you don't want me there...fuck you...you don't like me...fuck you too...

you want to judge me?? look in a fucking mirror and tell me what you really see...it's not always so pretty...
we have to make mistakes to learn from them...don't try to tell me you've never made any...if you try your lying...or you've never lived...

for all you game players.....Fuuuuuuuck You....

I wake up I feel like I'm going to cry....I close my eyes I feel like I'm going to cry...

I open my eyes and look at him and I wonder to myself "what have I done?" thats not right....is it?

I see my baby I want to cry...I wonder about myself and want to cry...I think about my health and wonder....

I haven't written in a couple days because I've been walking around in a haze... "Never ever" it has such a feel of finality to it...I see those words and want to cry...
People judge me...when they don't know me... some empathize some sympathize others just judge...

I made my choice so it would be easier on him... it had nothing to do with me in the least... I knew if I stayed he would have gotten worse and the situation we found ourselves in would have been worse... I'm sorry I lied and said I was thinking of myself...you told me to never lie to you...and I did it again...I'm sorry...I just didn't want to see you in a bad place or a place you didn't want to be...
But now I sit and wonder...did I really do what is best for you... moneywise I think I did...

but now I feel trapped... more trapped than ever ...and I am still in a weird mindset... He hasn't seemed to notice tho...thats not good... he doesn't understand me... and I think I just made a mistake...
everyone is sick of me...sick of my flip flopping...sick of me not being able to make up my mind...I understand that....I am too...I'm sick of living in a state of confusion and wonder...

I find myself sabatoging everything here...just to see if he'll tell me to leave... but then again if he does...where will I go?? home? whats at home for me now? not much of anything yet everything that I want...
One man decided my fate...I man that I lost all respect for...a man that doesn't know me...a man that doesn't like me...
I love my shadow...he is my shadow...he's such a big part of me...and it was one man's fault... how is it that one man could have such power over my life and not even realize it...

If I were to take that plane who would get me on the other side... no one will believe that I'm coming home... no one would want to chance standing at the airport and not seeing me... and from the feeling I got...no one cares if I come home or not...
here I sit on the verge of tears again at the thought that I may never be loved as I once was... here I sit not caring about myself...

I am a Mom...I was blessed with that title seven years ago... now that it seems I may not see my children for a long time...it seems now is when I want to hug them and cuddle them and love them the most... I miss my babies...I want them on my lap...

I miss the smell of phoenix ;)

yeah only one person will get that one...lol and he knows what I'm talkin about there...

so here I am back to wondering... why oh why did I fuck up my life?

I want my shadow...I want my familiar face...I want my familiar town...I want my familiar touch...

I want him and he knows it...but I won't have that again...and it's so final now...that I just want to cry...

and damnit I want my krammit...I want to be able to call her and cry on the phone with her for an hour at a time...I want her to say"well do you need me to come over?" and actually be able too...

I want to fall asleep twiddling your hair thru my fingers...

I want I want I want I want.... "never ever again"