I Can't Help That I Naturally Look Sad...

So it was my birthday last week as some might remember...

It was quite the busy week at times...

Sunday night and all day Monday was on a high...usually am after my weekly phone call... so just lounged around being in a good mood on Monday...

Tuesday... I got picked up in the afternoon... I did a little shopping for myself... you know got girly stuff like nail polish and make up and such... then went and got a new tattoo that the Man gave me money for so I could get it for my birthday... it hurt...of course... then went and had some pizza with my Sister before we went to the movies... saw Easy A ... it was funny I enjoyed it...

Wednesday...I was told we were going out for dinner, then I was told we were going to my Mum's for dinner and then that morning the Man got a call from Mum saying we were all going out for dinner.... so the family took me out to the Mandarin for supper... it was nice of them... they got me some nice gifts...got a chinese lantern, a foil picture in a frame of faeries from Mum and her boyfriend, my sister bought me some monkey earrings knowing of course how much I love to collect monkeys, as well as a book that I just finished yesterday entitled Solomon's Angels and a bookmark for it... went to bed really sad...

Thursday... I hung out at home with the Man and the Boychild, watched some shows on tv had a nice dinner.

Friday... I went to the Love Shop down the street and with some birthday money that I got from a friend of mine bought myself a new toy... *evil grin*

Saturday... My Mum, Sister and Aunt, and I... all went to a stage show at the casino called 'Spirit of The Dance'... It was a good show, they did a really good job. I walked out of there with my thighs killing me though...and was sort of sad when we left. We all went back to Mum's and had dinner, and I got the cake that I wanted... which was a DQ Pecan Pie Blizzard Cake... oh it was yummy.

*thinks for a minute*

Sunday and Monday of this week not so shit hot...nothing to write home about.

Tuesday... went to the movies with my sister again... went to see You Again... again...'nother funny flick... would be nice if she and I could go to a cheap movie at least once a month as something to do together since I'm not in Lions anymore I don't see her that much anymore...

I got home and there was a bit of an ache in my ear and a tickle in my throat...that I had blamed on the popcorn... at least that was until

Wednesday... yesterday... I woke up... stuffed up... hoarse... plugged up... breathing was a bit restricted... head was killing me... and had a cough that I thought would pop my ovaries... stayed in bed eating soup, drinking tea and water until I thought I could float... which was around 6pm I think I got up and dragged my ass to the couch. Good news at least was I made two more bracelets and a pair of earrings while watching tv in my jammies...

That brings us to today...

Thursday... I feel like a warmed bucket of yuck... still plugged, stuffed, hoarse, and sounding very Vader-ish, coughing and wincing at the same time now... and it feels like my nose is on fire and is trying to put itself out at the same time... so today... resting in bed... couldn't get comfy last night and only got about a half hour to an hours worth of sleep... I'm laying here thinking...fuck I shoulda waited to read that book now...

think I'll take a shot of tequila and wash down a sinus and cold tablet and hope I don't die in my sleep from it...

Ode to Big Daddy...

I don't see him as many others would see him...

they would ask how did you get past that prickly exterior... or how did I get around the fact that he seems to keep people at arms length... how did I get him to open up and do more then just answer direct questions... how did I get past the sarcasm and the acerbic attitude...

For the most part I would have to say that I don't really know...

I talked to him... I listened to him.. we connected on some level even before knowing each other's real names...

Even before ever seeing each other or hearing each other's voices... we would talk for hours...days...weeks... about everything... (almost)

We would be there for each other... I didn't see him as any of those things... at least not to me... though to me the sarcasm is and was funny because I do it too...

When finally we met in person I didn't see any of those things until witnessing them being done to others... then I thought it was funny... and I felt special... I felt like I had been let in to see the real him before ever seeing him and that somehow I got the secret key to the other parts of him...

The caring, compassionate, generous, loving, nurturing, gentle, vulnerable, protective... sides...

You know the sides that all girls read about in romance novels and dreamily sigh and say 'oh I wish...'

When I was angry...he was there to calm me down... when I was sad, he was there to hug me... when I was upset and shutting down he was there to hold my hand and tell me that it will pass and everything will be alright again... when I was sick he was there to help me to stand up when I couldn't do that on my own... when I could barely move without groaning in pain he was laying there beside me holding my hand and rubbing my back... he was there to help my family even when he didn't want to get out of bed... he was there at night whispering with me in the dark until the wee hours of the morning... he made me feel important to him when in a crowd of people that made me feel small... he held my hand at a time when it would have been most awkward, without a care...

He did all the things that would make me fall in love with him... after I had already fallen in love with him...

He makes it so easy for me to love him...

I will say, he's not perfect by a long shot... but the fit is too snug for him to not be perfect for me...

The Divine truly have a cruel sense of humour.

Dreamland is Suppose to be Fun.

Something's up.

On Sunday night I had two episodes.

Monday another 2...

Tuesday.... 1...

I'm used to having little ones that don't really affect me... that I just take a small moment and a few deep breaths and they go away... these last couple of days they've been bad enough that I've stopped and checked my pulse... had to stop in mid sentences and 'compose' myself a bit...

Last thing I need is for this to rear it's ugly head even more.

And except for Sunday night last week I wasn't sleeping too well... last night I apparently wasn't sleeping well either though I think that was more a case of I went to bed on a full stomach...

My dreams have been odd... I haven't been remembering a lot of them but there was some odd feelings when waking... and last night the Man woke me up to ask if I was alright because apparently I was whimpering in my sleep...

too much thinking consciously and subconsciously I suppose...

So Why Get Excited Then?

I had started this really dumb blogpost about remembering how today was the day that Big Daddy left a year ago... and I had started to get sort of emotional about it... only because I still miss him...

But really I suppose it's dumb to get all emotional about something that happened a year ago...

So instead...

I know it's probably really lame to still get excited about my birthday like a little kid... but I really do... I have some plans with my sister set up but not much beyond that...

I dunno is it strange that I'm turning 32 and looking forward to it?

I suppose a lot of people will think that's lame but... I dunno... I guess I'm sort of lame, hell i've already been called weird, crazy, insane among many other things.

Last year for my birthday I ended up at the Dixieland stampede with my sister and some guy I barely knew down in Tennessee... at least I'll be around my whole family this birthday... the two birthdays before the last one my mom and sister weren't even in the same province with me.

I still get a bit bitter when I think about how when my sister and man turned 30 they got taken to Medieval Times and when I turned 30 I didn't even get a phone call from my mom and sister who were out celebrating my aunts birthday in Saskatchewan rather then being here.

When my sister turned 18 she got a party at a hall and all her friends and family were there...when I turned 18 I was given a card.

I don't think my mom has ever sat down and thought about what's happened during my birthdays and how I might feel.

I know I don't say anything about how I've felt about them... but because in the grand scheme of things I know that my birthday isn't important to anyone but me.

I know that the Man will try to make sure that I have a good day and I know that the Boychild will hug me and say happy birthday...Big Daddy and the Manchild likely won't even remember that it's my birthday until the next time they talk to me... but in all likelihood I'll get all excited that it's my birthday and then go to bed feeling meh about it...

I know that I won't get anywhere near the facebook messages that I got last year wishing me a happy birthday because I set it so only I can see that portion of my profile...

So whatever happens and whom ever remembers my birthday, I'm going to make the best of it.

starting tomorrow.

as soon as I get rid of this nasty headache that's been plaguing me for the last few days.

Oh Pandora You Silly Woman...

The myth of Pandora's Box is legendary but really... think about it long and hard for just a few moments... do that for me...

She opens the box (or jar or container) and lets out all the evils and despairs of the world. Only Hope remained in the box when she quickly closed it again.

Think about that if the box contained all the evils and despairs... what was Hope doing in there?

It's because Hope can be a very evil emotion.

If the box contained all the evils that would plague mankind I think it's safe to say that Hope is a plague and not the remedy of the others that were let out.

Look what people have done when they've 'held out Hope' about something important to them... those who hold onto Hope like a dog on a bone have gotten hurt and fell into despair or hopelessness...

So... am I right?

If all the evils that would plague mankind were in the box, wouldn't that mean Hope is one of them?