I Hate Feeling So Weak.

I do not like to be seen as weak ...ever.

I struggle with accepting that my 'issues' are actually 'mental illness'. Depression and Anxiety...to be even more specific.

I don't just come right out and tell people that I have these issues. I have enough outward health issues that I don't want to scare people away.

I have a fucked up tendon in my thumb that goes into my wrist (that's the latest issue), respiratory issues with my lungs (obvi), of course my ongoing heart condition, my ankle which will start to bother me when I stand too long...

I try very hard to not complain about my aches pains bumps or bruises...and I definitely do not complain to people about my mental illness when it's flaring up and getting the better of me.

When the sneak up and become larger then my life seems to be I try very hard to get away from the hub bub of every day and recharge...generally somewhere quiet and when it gets really bad somewhere in nature.

Burton and I going to Red Spiral was a very good recharge for me when we would go to Egansville to Raven's Knoll.

The last couple of years though I've not had a chance to get away to do a recharge...it's really creeping up on me. I've had SBs place to get some quiet when I need...he and I have been to the beach a few times and being in the water helps...but it's not quite the same.

When my brain gets too loud...and life is too loud it makes me want to shut down. It makes me irritable, and angry at the littlest of things. Last week while the boys were gone things got much worse, having to deal with a bunch of derby stuff for the intake, the house with all the animals - and the messes that I was coming home to, the chaos that is working on the farm and a lack of sleep.

I have a support system that don't even know how much I depend on them to make sure I don't do stupid things. SB had saved me 3 times last month and he doesn't even realize it.

I broke down and told #DD about what had been going through my head...and I feel as though I shouldn't have done that. I had just gotten really close to the end of my rope and he's been there for me in the past.
I just know that he has so many other things and other stressors that he has to deal with.

I just need to get away and go sit in a bush for a couple of days...and for the first time I don't mean the slang term for a womans vagina.

I have so many other things to write about and post but I just don't have the time at the moment... I need to go to bed again so that I can go to work in a few hours.

I Am...

Hm...
What  to say...

I'm fairly straightforward with people. I tell you what I need right up front. Honesty and straightforwardness are two things I require in any sort of relationship...whether I am mother, daughter, wife, friend, lover, sister, or acquaintance... these are the two things that I expect.
I don't see how these things have to be asked for and not just freely given.

When you lie to me I know... I will not always call you out on it... I'll likely nod and just mhm quietly... making a mental note that I can no longer trust you.

Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

Life is so much easier. Do not worry about hurting  feelings if it is  the truth that you speak. You hurt others with lies and disrespect.

Life goes on. Fun shall be had.

Going forward in my life I'll be making some changes... they've already started.

More fun... fucking... and skating...

I've changed my derby name. So I am no longer Raenbow Slash... I am Taboma.
The next 4 Fridays I'll be driving to Kitchener to get some skating help from some of the Tri-City Roller Girls...
I've decided I'm going to get up to Ancaster and get some skating help from the girls from HARD...
I've put my all into planning for the new intake for my league...
Also sent in and offered my help for aome upcoming fundraisers as well...
I'm sure I'm likely to complain about all sorts of it in the days to come...lol

My health...
I do have an appointment with Dr Awesome on the 2nd of March...
My stomach has been much better since this past Monday... (family day).
Some mornings it is a bit touchy still...but the full blown nauseousness I had been feeling is gone. The smell of food cooking doesn't make me feel like I want to puke. I can cook again without mouth breathing to try not to smell it.
My shakes have subsided...and I haven't dropped anything in at least a few days.
Now if only I could get away from at least one of my addictions...the most harmful being the sugars.
The other...not as harmful...actually much much more pleasurable.

My love life...
Ah well...that's a bit of a story...which I'm not telling right now.

I'm looking for a job. I probably will go back to the farm and do more fruit packing...but I do need to find something else as well.
Need some monies for derby stuff...for passport...for activities...for the car.... oh for lots of things...

Until I can find a rich sugar daddy who just wants to lavish me with gifts and money just for being cute and keeping him company...I'll have to find another way....lmao

I have finished some commisioned pieces that I was knitting. Now I'd like to make myself something.

I have thoughts on a few things that I need to really sit down and type up...instead of updating via my phone...would make typing out a post so much easier.