In 11 days I will be celebrating my 40th birthday...
My birthday is really important to me, more so now then when I was a kid.
I truly believe that I've been living on borrowed time...there's 3 times in my life that I've either flat-lined or been close to dying or the doctors didn't know how I was still alive let alone conscious.
So to me each year is a gift - it's probably why I love so intensely, so fully and why I just take the moments to experience everything I can... from taking a moment to appreciate the cloudiness of the day before walking into the house...to standing in the rain and smiling...literally stopping to smell the flowers when I can...listening to the silence of the night...watching a bug crawl by...feeling - everything.
Overall I am happy with my life, and happy to have it - I'm glad I it wasn't taken from me when I had tried to end it before.
Lately my happiness hasn't been shown outwardly enough for some - I'm really not all bouncy, giggly, and all laughs when I'm happy. I'm much more introspective now. Obviously I laugh or smile at jokes, I just don't feel the need to be goofy to show happiness. Maybe that's me just getting old...lol
I know there's a lot of people out there who just don't care about their birthdays, my father is one of them, and I get that. It's not about presents to me it's about presence. I want to spend my day with people who truly care that I'm alive, that appreciate my presence in their lives, that care that I am still walking this big ball of dirt - with people I love very much.
It's been a struggle, a fight, at times a massive war to get to 40...there's been trauma, abuse of all kinds, medical issues, heart breaks, anxiety, depression, deaths... so you're damn right I'm going to celebrate still being here...I just wish those I love would be too.
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 11, 2018
Sunday, November 08, 2015
Appreciation and Expectations
I don't have a hidden agenda or malicious motivations, or even unreasonable expectations when I help my friends out or offer to do stuff for them.
I try to be a good person and a good friend to those I care about.
By helping them out any way that I can that isn't monetary, because face it, I'm broke.
It's very common for me to want to try to fix a situation that might be causing them issues, frustrations or annoyances. Mainly because I want to see the people I care about be happy.
Maybe that's lofty of me to think that I could solve other peoples problems but, in reality I try to only offer help or advice in areas that I think I could help out in.
I don't generally expect anything in return, possibly the ability to call on them in my time of need without thinking that I'm bothering or pestering them, which I generally don't do unless it's an absolute must because I'll feel like a burden to them if I ask for assistance. When I do ask for help in some way though I do try to make it up to them. Buy them lunch, make them a nice dinner, offer up a massage and of course I always let them know that I'm thankful for their help.
I don't really understand people who do things for others just to see what they can get out of them. The people that do the 'Well I helped you with this...so you should do this... for me.'
Or they lord it over you with the 'Well you remember that time that I did this for you.'
That's being a dick...not being a friend.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine with whom I really haven't spoken to in about 9 years. We have said hi how are ya but that's about it over the last few years but never anything too major. I let them know that I was concerned and a bit worried about them because they've been having nightmares quite frequently. They were surprised that I would care at all about what was going on with them or that I would put any thought into trying to help them figure out why they were having them.
I explained that just because we stopped talking and haven't really said much to each other in the last decade doesn't mean I just suddenly one day stopped caring about them.
For the people I care about I wish to be a bright spot in their day...or week...or lifetime. I wish for those I help out, care about and hang out with to smile when they hear my name and say 'she really helped me out when...' or 'she made me feel better when...' Something that makes them have a good thought.
With so much negativity in the world...when there's so many people out there who would rather see us all fail because they're miserable in their own lives... I just want to bring some joy and happiness maybe even some colour to peoples lives...
I read a picture on FB the other day that said 'Don't expect others to do for you what you do for them, their heart isn't like yours.' and also 'Expectations are the downfall of every relationship.'
They both rang very true to me... especially when you read the relationship to mean any relationship you have with any human being... I have a relationship with my kids, my parents, my friends at different levels, and even the relationship I have with myself... it all boils down to the root of the word relationship...relate...how do you relate to others around you and how are they related or relating to you... All my relations... anyway... it doesn't always mean a couple who are committed to each other in a loving bonded sort of way... This is why it's best to know the English language when trying to communicate with others in discussions...but that's another blog for another time...
I realize that I get disappointed in people when I hold them to the expectations that I hold myself at. I expect myself to be thankful and to tell my friends that I love them and that they are important to me and show that by being helpful, remembering small things like their favourite colours or when their birthdays are... I expect myself to show up in support of someone elses loss of a dear family member even if I've not talked to them in 5 years... I expect myself to give pieces of myself away to others even when they have no idea I've done it... I expect myself to respond to a text from someone, even if it's just an acknowledgement to that person that I received their text...
I also realized that some days I need to lower the expectation bar on myself so that I stop wearing myself a bit thin.
I've made myself a very small group of friends...which is bad in a way when three of them live on the West coast of the United States...but hey we do what we can... the other four that I have here...well...they're all dealing with their own shit...and as much as I try to help them out... I know they need to deal with their own stuff on their own at times...and I also know that even though they are in my very small circle of friends of near and dear and I love them... I'm not in theirs.
And sometimes people set an expectation bar pretty high themselves...like when they treat me a certain way I expect that's how they will always treat me... like driving 2 hrs home to spend 4 hours with me before having to go to bed to sleep and then get up for work again the next morning, driving the 2 hours back again... or finding out that I have an achy body after practice so pouring me a glass of wine and drawing me a beautiful bubble bath before giving me a massage... which after time apparently becomes 'oh that sucks...' while they lay on a couch watching a sitcom...
When you lead with one and turn into the second...it brings about disappointment... I'm not saying I always want or need wine, bubbles and a rub... that's exhausting and would become routine...but a little more compassion...
But anyway I digress...
People tend to set their own expectation bars with how they treat you or at least that's what they do with me... Oh you treated me like this...well I guess this is what I can expect from you from now on...
Not saying that right off the bat you should set it low...but you should never set it so high that you can't keep it up...
I got so far down this topic of expectation I totally lost where my original thought was going...lol
I want to bring happiness to peoples lives by helping them how I can. I don't expect a parade in my honour...but a heartfelt and sincere thank you is appreciated...and goes a long fucking way.
I try to be a good person and a good friend to those I care about.
By helping them out any way that I can that isn't monetary, because face it, I'm broke.
It's very common for me to want to try to fix a situation that might be causing them issues, frustrations or annoyances. Mainly because I want to see the people I care about be happy.
Maybe that's lofty of me to think that I could solve other peoples problems but, in reality I try to only offer help or advice in areas that I think I could help out in.
I don't generally expect anything in return, possibly the ability to call on them in my time of need without thinking that I'm bothering or pestering them, which I generally don't do unless it's an absolute must because I'll feel like a burden to them if I ask for assistance. When I do ask for help in some way though I do try to make it up to them. Buy them lunch, make them a nice dinner, offer up a massage and of course I always let them know that I'm thankful for their help.
I don't really understand people who do things for others just to see what they can get out of them. The people that do the 'Well I helped you with this...so you should do this... for me.'
Or they lord it over you with the 'Well you remember that time that I did this for you.'
That's being a dick...not being a friend.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine with whom I really haven't spoken to in about 9 years. We have said hi how are ya but that's about it over the last few years but never anything too major. I let them know that I was concerned and a bit worried about them because they've been having nightmares quite frequently. They were surprised that I would care at all about what was going on with them or that I would put any thought into trying to help them figure out why they were having them.
I explained that just because we stopped talking and haven't really said much to each other in the last decade doesn't mean I just suddenly one day stopped caring about them.
For the people I care about I wish to be a bright spot in their day...or week...or lifetime. I wish for those I help out, care about and hang out with to smile when they hear my name and say 'she really helped me out when...' or 'she made me feel better when...' Something that makes them have a good thought.
With so much negativity in the world...when there's so many people out there who would rather see us all fail because they're miserable in their own lives... I just want to bring some joy and happiness maybe even some colour to peoples lives...
I read a picture on FB the other day that said 'Don't expect others to do for you what you do for them, their heart isn't like yours.' and also 'Expectations are the downfall of every relationship.'
They both rang very true to me... especially when you read the relationship to mean any relationship you have with any human being... I have a relationship with my kids, my parents, my friends at different levels, and even the relationship I have with myself... it all boils down to the root of the word relationship...relate...how do you relate to others around you and how are they related or relating to you... All my relations... anyway... it doesn't always mean a couple who are committed to each other in a loving bonded sort of way... This is why it's best to know the English language when trying to communicate with others in discussions...but that's another blog for another time...
I realize that I get disappointed in people when I hold them to the expectations that I hold myself at. I expect myself to be thankful and to tell my friends that I love them and that they are important to me and show that by being helpful, remembering small things like their favourite colours or when their birthdays are... I expect myself to show up in support of someone elses loss of a dear family member even if I've not talked to them in 5 years... I expect myself to give pieces of myself away to others even when they have no idea I've done it... I expect myself to respond to a text from someone, even if it's just an acknowledgement to that person that I received their text...
I also realized that some days I need to lower the expectation bar on myself so that I stop wearing myself a bit thin.
I've made myself a very small group of friends...which is bad in a way when three of them live on the West coast of the United States...but hey we do what we can... the other four that I have here...well...they're all dealing with their own shit...and as much as I try to help them out... I know they need to deal with their own stuff on their own at times...and I also know that even though they are in my very small circle of friends of near and dear and I love them... I'm not in theirs.
And sometimes people set an expectation bar pretty high themselves...like when they treat me a certain way I expect that's how they will always treat me... like driving 2 hrs home to spend 4 hours with me before having to go to bed to sleep and then get up for work again the next morning, driving the 2 hours back again... or finding out that I have an achy body after practice so pouring me a glass of wine and drawing me a beautiful bubble bath before giving me a massage... which after time apparently becomes 'oh that sucks...' while they lay on a couch watching a sitcom...
When you lead with one and turn into the second...it brings about disappointment... I'm not saying I always want or need wine, bubbles and a rub... that's exhausting and would become routine...but a little more compassion...
But anyway I digress...
People tend to set their own expectation bars with how they treat you or at least that's what they do with me... Oh you treated me like this...well I guess this is what I can expect from you from now on...
Not saying that right off the bat you should set it low...but you should never set it so high that you can't keep it up...
I got so far down this topic of expectation I totally lost where my original thought was going...lol
I want to bring happiness to peoples lives by helping them how I can. I don't expect a parade in my honour...but a heartfelt and sincere thank you is appreciated...and goes a long fucking way.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
The Levels Of Friendship
Yeah strange title but over the last couple of weeks I've talked to a few people about this particular subject and figured what the fuck might as well put it down and post it somewhere.
It's weird to think that there's different levels to friendships...or friends really and where you place them...and maybe it is, whether we all realize we do it is a different matter completely...
I've been aware for a long time and try to keep people in the spots I choose for them, sometimes that doesn't quite work and someone will slip up... I'm alright with most people slipping down the levels.
If I've grown attached to someone as a friend then I do try very hard to keep things right with us so that I may keep them in my life and that may seem selfish but...eh... inherently we're generally selfish creatures.
Passerbys - These are the people that you know from 'somewhere' that when you pass by you stop and do all the small talk pleasantries at say a grocery store. You ask about their life and they never reveal anything which is good because you didn't really care to know. You also don't share with them, generally answering the question 'What's new?' with "Nothing." Meanwhile you've experienced so much in life since the last time you did this with them. You both talk of getting together sometime, but you know it will never happen.
Friends Friends - These people are invited to outings by another friend, because you know them but you don't think of them as really a friend, even though you'll talk with them while out. When planning an outing with friends you don't really think of these people, but say yes when your other friend asks if they can come.
Booty Calls - These people... well...lol These people can be fun. However, they are usually a last moment thought in the haze of horniness or lustiness. They are that late night text saying 'Whatcha doing?' You don't make plans with these people unless those plans just consist of walking through the front door, stripping off your clothes fucking and sucking for as long as you want, getting dressed and walking out again. Fun to be had, but no real personal connection. Simply put, two consenting adults who want to use each others bodies to get off.
Friends - These people you'll text them every so often just to see how they're doing, catch up with life every once in awhile. Maybe get together for a dinner or go out to a bar to have a night of fun. They are a friend but you're still a bit guarded and don't tell them much about your chewy gooey creamy filling.
Close Friends - These are few and far between (well for me). They are that close knit group of people that you text with on a regular basis. You drop in on them just to see what's up. Help yourself to their fridge to get your own drink, inside of waiting for them to ask. You reveal problems in your life, ask for advice. You seek their company when you're feeling down. You want to share all your happy news with them. You get together for dinner, go on outings (movies, beach, camping, etc.) Share hopes, dreams, fears. Are there for them in whatever they need. Love them and consider them family.
Friends With Benefits - See Above for Close Friends + Fucking. lmao
Moving from one to the other could take some getting use to during the transition. Generally though I'm comfortable with going from one to the other.
I do have some rules that are new for FwB and Booty Calls... I've come to realize that these are needed unfortunately or people start misconstruing what is what... I'd like to prevent that from happening again.
1. No Sleepovers, unless Breakfast and/or Morning Sex is guaranteed.
2. No seeing each other more then twice a week. (For FwB it could be more but as long as hanging out for other reasons besides just sex.)
3. (For some of my FwB and BCs I've implemented...) No Kissing. (There's one especially that I just can't follow this with...it's just too awesome...)
4. I will be honest, blunt and upfront with you about what I want and need. Do the same.
What can I say I'm a sexually active woman, with an extremely healthy appetite for sex. I want sex and am not ashamed of it, and if I want it with you, I will tell you...especially if I think the feeling might be mutual...
If it's not mutual then one just has to say the word and I won't ask again. It won't be the end of my world...lol
So yeah...these are my levels of friendship for people...feel free to ask where you are in that list...
It's weird to think that there's different levels to friendships...or friends really and where you place them...and maybe it is, whether we all realize we do it is a different matter completely...
I've been aware for a long time and try to keep people in the spots I choose for them, sometimes that doesn't quite work and someone will slip up... I'm alright with most people slipping down the levels.
If I've grown attached to someone as a friend then I do try very hard to keep things right with us so that I may keep them in my life and that may seem selfish but...eh... inherently we're generally selfish creatures.
Passerbys - These are the people that you know from 'somewhere' that when you pass by you stop and do all the small talk pleasantries at say a grocery store. You ask about their life and they never reveal anything which is good because you didn't really care to know. You also don't share with them, generally answering the question 'What's new?' with "Nothing." Meanwhile you've experienced so much in life since the last time you did this with them. You both talk of getting together sometime, but you know it will never happen.
Friends Friends - These people are invited to outings by another friend, because you know them but you don't think of them as really a friend, even though you'll talk with them while out. When planning an outing with friends you don't really think of these people, but say yes when your other friend asks if they can come.
Booty Calls - These people... well...lol These people can be fun. However, they are usually a last moment thought in the haze of horniness or lustiness. They are that late night text saying 'Whatcha doing?' You don't make plans with these people unless those plans just consist of walking through the front door, stripping off your clothes fucking and sucking for as long as you want, getting dressed and walking out again. Fun to be had, but no real personal connection. Simply put, two consenting adults who want to use each others bodies to get off.
Friends - These people you'll text them every so often just to see how they're doing, catch up with life every once in awhile. Maybe get together for a dinner or go out to a bar to have a night of fun. They are a friend but you're still a bit guarded and don't tell them much about your chewy gooey creamy filling.
Close Friends - These are few and far between (well for me). They are that close knit group of people that you text with on a regular basis. You drop in on them just to see what's up. Help yourself to their fridge to get your own drink, inside of waiting for them to ask. You reveal problems in your life, ask for advice. You seek their company when you're feeling down. You want to share all your happy news with them. You get together for dinner, go on outings (movies, beach, camping, etc.) Share hopes, dreams, fears. Are there for them in whatever they need. Love them and consider them family.
Friends With Benefits - See Above for Close Friends + Fucking. lmao
Moving from one to the other could take some getting use to during the transition. Generally though I'm comfortable with going from one to the other.
I do have some rules that are new for FwB and Booty Calls... I've come to realize that these are needed unfortunately or people start misconstruing what is what... I'd like to prevent that from happening again.
1. No Sleepovers, unless Breakfast and/or Morning Sex is guaranteed.
2. No seeing each other more then twice a week. (For FwB it could be more but as long as hanging out for other reasons besides just sex.)
3. (For some of my FwB and BCs I've implemented...) No Kissing. (There's one especially that I just can't follow this with...it's just too awesome...)
4. I will be honest, blunt and upfront with you about what I want and need. Do the same.
What can I say I'm a sexually active woman, with an extremely healthy appetite for sex. I want sex and am not ashamed of it, and if I want it with you, I will tell you...especially if I think the feeling might be mutual...
If it's not mutual then one just has to say the word and I won't ask again. It won't be the end of my world...lol
So yeah...these are my levels of friendship for people...feel free to ask where you are in that list...
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
I choose Compassion.
Sometimes the hardest thing you can do is to tell someone that you're there for them and truly mean it.
It may be that you offer to make dinner, or offer up a ride to wherever they need to go, or just sitting with them while they watch tv and hand them a tissue when a memory washes over them and leaves them emotionally raw again...
And then sometimes... you become a whipping post for their anger...a verbal punching bag for their frustrations...
When they feel overwhelmed and emotionally raw one thing could set them off, if they don't have an outlet for that frustration and anger they'll lash out...at you.
It may seem strange to some but after getting into a discussion like that I like to come back with kindness, and compassion, and even consideration.
I had said that I wasn't going anywhere and that whatever is needed to help I would do it...including moving a mountain if required.
Not because I'm looking for a reward of some sort. I do it because if I've chosen you as my friend (which is something unto itself because I'm not a big fan of people) I am loyal and will do anything for those I choose to love.
I love those I've chosen to have in my inner circle of friends.
I can't do anything to help people monetarily and sometimes the issue is something I've never dealt with so I can't offer any advice.
What I do offer is healing... massages... conversations that just flow from one thing to the next... physical closeness... or just a shoulder to cry on...
And the most precious thing to me of all that I offer is...my time.
