The Levels Of Friendship

Yeah strange title but over the last couple of weeks I've talked to a few people about this particular subject and figured what the fuck might as well put it down and post it somewhere.

It's weird to think that there's different levels to friendships...or friends really and where you place them...and maybe it is, whether we all realize we do it is a different matter completely...

I've been aware for a long time and try to keep people in the spots I choose for them, sometimes that doesn't quite work and someone will slip up... I'm alright with most people slipping down the levels.

If I've grown attached to someone as a friend then I do try very hard to keep things right with us so that I may keep them in my life and that may seem selfish but...eh... inherently we're generally selfish creatures.

Passerbys - These are the people that you know from 'somewhere' that when you pass by you stop and do all the small talk pleasantries at say a grocery store. You ask about their life and they never reveal anything which is good because you didn't really care to know. You also don't share with them, generally answering the question 'What's new?' with "Nothing." Meanwhile you've experienced so much in life since the last time you did this with them. You both talk of getting together sometime, but you know it will never happen.

Friends Friends - These people are invited to outings by another friend, because you know them but you don't think of them as really a friend, even though you'll talk with them while out. When planning an outing with friends you don't really think of these people, but say yes when your other friend asks if they can come.

Booty Calls - These people... well...lol These people can be fun. However, they are usually a last moment thought in the haze of horniness or lustiness. They are that late night text saying 'Whatcha doing?' You don't make plans with these people unless those plans just consist of walking through the front door, stripping off your clothes fucking and sucking for as long as you want, getting dressed and walking out again. Fun to be had, but no real personal connection. Simply put, two consenting adults who want to use each others bodies to get off.

Friends - These people you'll text them every so often just to see how they're doing, catch up with life every once in awhile. Maybe get together for a dinner or go out to a bar to have a night of fun. They are a friend but you're still a bit guarded and don't tell them much about your chewy gooey creamy filling.

Close Friends - These are few and far between (well for me). They are that close knit group of people that you text with on a regular basis. You drop in on them just to see what's up. Help yourself to their fridge to get your own drink, inside of waiting for them to ask. You reveal problems in your life, ask for advice. You seek their company when you're feeling down. You want to share all your happy news with them. You get together for dinner, go on outings (movies, beach, camping, etc.) Share hopes, dreams, fears. Are there for them in whatever they need. Love them and consider them family.

Friends With Benefits - See Above for Close Friends + Fucking. lmao

Moving from one to the other could take some getting use to during the transition. Generally though I'm comfortable with going from one to the other.

I do have some rules that are new for FwB and Booty Calls... I've come to realize that these are needed unfortunately or people start misconstruing what is what... I'd like to prevent that from happening again.

1. No Sleepovers, unless Breakfast and/or Morning Sex is guaranteed.
2. No seeing each other more then twice a week. (For FwB it could be more but as long as hanging out for other reasons besides just sex.)
3. (For some of my FwB and BCs I've implemented...) No Kissing. (There's one especially that I just can't follow this with...it's just too awesome...)
4. I will be honest, blunt and upfront with you about what I want and need. Do the same.

What can I say I'm a sexually active woman, with an extremely healthy appetite for sex. I want sex and am not ashamed of it, and if I want it with you, I will tell you...especially if I think the feeling might be mutual...
If it's not mutual then one just has to say the word and I won't ask again. It won't be the end of my world...lol


So yeah...these are my levels of friendship for people...feel free to ask where you are in that list...

This too shall pass?

Usually people have that one person they find solace in.
That one person where just being in their presence silently (or not) they begin to feel better about steesses or anxiety. Talking to that person can make them smile. That person telling them 'you can do this'...'you got this'... or something similiar makes them feel like they can take on the world.
That person  where they just need to hug them and you can feel the stress drain from your muscles.

Those people are special...we keep them close...and likely (for most) never tell them what they mean to us.

Mine keep leaving me....
That seems really dramatic but very true.

Krammit moved away so I don't get to see her much anymore.
Burton moved to Cali...so definitely a lot harder to get hugs. Still end up talking, but not the same.
Minner is in prison...and I still haven't been able to bring myself to write him yet.
Squasha is on another continent which makes it difficult to have a conversation.
Bing is busy and although we talk I know he's not comfortable with some topics anymore. And of course lives in Nevada.
Roo had moved to the other side of the continent so we don't get to talk to much anymore either.

It makes it very hard to be able to just quietly hug someone and cuddle away some stress...when no one is in the same city.

Sugarbear... he just lost his mum. Not like I can seek comfort from someone who I so badly feel needs comforting himself. As much as I really want to cuddle with him, I know he needs his time to grieve for his mum in his own way.

I see the derby girls making plans with their wives...small groups of them going off together for nights out...
I get a twinge of loneliness....wishing my Krammit and Burton were closer.

I have the one person I find solace in...
When sad or angry or depressed I send them a message and hope that they message me back...and when they do it doesn't matter what  we talk about I immediately start to feel better.
Sometimes I don't know what exactly to say so I send them an emoticon...and just getting an emoticon back helps.
It's  the reaching out for human contact, when reciprocated makes me smile.

As anti-social as I am... I recognize that I do need to have contact with other people.

I just need to find some that are  more available...literally, and emotionally.

I just have a hard time clicking and connecting with people.

So right now I'm in that mode where all I want to do is curl up silently and cuddle until next week.

Instead... been throwing myself into derby.
So now...just lonely and sore...

Sorry...not a happier post.

Did get the lineups for next weeks scrimmage in Kitchener...I am literally going to get my  ass handed to me. I'm at least excited about that.

Death, Prison, Dates, Babies and Derby

I'm not even sure where to start this blog post...I'm so far behind in news and thoughts and ramblings...

Not even sure how far back I need to go to try to catch up either...or if I should start with the good news or the bad...

My step father passed away at the beginning of November...the first day of it actually. He was the third of the groups of deaths that have happened in the latter half of the year. Cancer ate away his insides and he just couldn't fight it any more.

The next day Krammit gave birth to her beautiful twins...it was a bit scary for a minute or two...but everyone came out of it and  Jack and Wyatt are beautiful and two of the best babies ever.

After Al's funeral I found out that Biff my favourite Lion ever had passed away, there was no service for him... just the knowledge that in March when I go to the convention I won't get to see him...I won't get my annual picture of me sitting on his lap and having him give me advice on dirty old men.

I went to go visit Krammit and all her boys for nearly a week and it was such a great reprieve from life...I had started to get so depressed and just snuggling and loving the babies and seeing my Krammit for 5 days was just awesome.

Went to the roller derby end of the season party with both Sugarbear and The Man... There aren't words to describe how much I love that I can go out with the both of them and not have to answer to many questions.

At this point I'm not too sure about continuing on with roller derby. I've not been able to pay my dues for December, still need to come up with money for my annual insurance and money for my January dues... may need to sell a kidney to continue.

December brought on the stress of having to deal with my landlords and their thoughts that some how their lack of upkeep of the property is some how our fault. They came back a second day in a row with a paper saying that they'll be raising the rent as of March first...The Man sort of gave our notice...let's see if the landlord takes him seriously...they only thing I've heard from them is that she sent me a text asking me for a measurement for the back door...
So we'll see on the first if we are actually going to give our notice. I think it's time.
I don't want to move. I hate moving...I've moved a lot...like...a lot.
If they're not going to take care of the place and we have to pay more in rent then...what else can I really do... *le sigh*

It hasn't been all bad...?

I did get sick last week...and this past weekend was awesome and horrible all at the same time...
Last Tuesday I seemed to wake up with something horrible living in my head and throat...Wednesday was a bit touch and go as to whether or not I might have had to go to the hospital...thankfully my body decided to take pity on me and just make me feel like hell. My heart didn't go batty thankfully.

This Monday (the 22nd) was the one year mark for Sugarbear and I...went by really fast it seems. He made Saturday awesome. He brought me home a beautiful bouquet of flowers on Friday, which made me blush since before I saw them I was joking about him being spoiled. We went out for breakfast on Saturday (I was and am still, feeling a bit crappy, but I was told he was taking me out for dinner so I was determined to feel well). We went to the Keg in the Falls, had a good view, and a really yummy meal. I have to say that this visit was much better then our last one (which was our first date...lol) we were so much more comfortable with each other now and so it was just a really good time. After supper we went to Timmies and grabbed a hot chocolate and a tea, then drove down through the festival of lights and through Dufferin Island. Then headed home where I forced him to sit through the Nightmare before Christmas (because hello...everyone should see that movie... Best Christmas movie and Best Hallowe'en movie...) I then got him to open up his presents... we then went on to celebrate Christmas downstairs...

Sunday I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck... Sugarbear was a sweetheart (as he almost always is) he ran me a bath and then made me some brunch and just let me lay around most of the afternoon...which made me feel bad since he was running about cleaning up and such. We ended up going to the bakery but I think that was about it.

A bit of a back story for a moment... My friend Codex who was a diabetic and having some renal issues failed to report on the 17th for his dialysis, nurses at the hospital were concerned and made a call for a welfare check. Where he was found unresponsive in his apartment and rushed to the hospital. The found after a ct scan that no neurological activity was happening. They (his mother and sister) then started calling friends and family from out of town to come and say their goodbyes to him.
He wasn't even 30 fucking years old.

On Sunday at 6pm I got a text from Codex's mother that he was gone now. On the Winter Solstice, his favourite night of the year. The night the light starts to come back. The night that the dark times is officially over...

I'm so tired of death. After this dark time...too many people have slipped through the veil.

Twice now I've been with Sugarbear when I've gotten the news of someone passing. I was eating breakfast with him when I found out about Al...and he was making supper when I found out about Codex.

I stayed at Sugarbears house Monday, Tuesday and then came home on Wednesday... I still wasn't feeling well. But I was also using it as a hidey hole...I didn't want to leave...I didn't want to deal with the world (I still really don't want to). I love that Sugarbear let's me use his place as a sanctuary away from the bright noisy world... He's up North with his family celebrating the holiday...

Tomorrow...err...Today... I'll be heading to Mum's to go do the Christmas thing. I was talking to her on the phone earlier and couldn't stop myself from breaking down... Yesterday I just wanted to get into my car and drive to go see my mum...The Man had the car...and I didn't know what I would say when I got there...

I have these moments where I think about how Barium doesn't have her father tomorrow... Oakie doesn't have Judy this Christmas... my Mum won't have Al to snuggle with tomorrow... We won't be watching Codex's cat for him while he goes to visit his mum... Biff won't be able to see what Santa brought for his grandkids... and my beautiful beautiful friend Moon won't get to see her only child open her gifts when the sun comes up... and I just well up and start to cry.

I just want to curl up in Sugarbears big comfy bed and shut the doors...

Earlier tonight was just awful... I was trying to be in a good mood and was laughing and joking about with the Boychild...apparently The Man was annoyed and we were entertained by annoying him further...so he stormed off.
Boychild tried so very hard to cheer me up afterwards...he is such a sweet kid...he shouldn't have to deal with my depression. Standing hugging his mum in the middle of the living room while she cries because she's angry at the world and annoyed with his fathers behaviour, and frustrated that everything just seems like it's going to shit.

And we've been trying to figure out how we can get up North (5 hr drive) on the 28th for Codex's memorial service. The Man and I both really want to go... Frankly I don't like the thought of travelling for 5 hours, saying good bye to a friend and then travelling another 5 hours home again.

Was hard to not think of DrunkenMonkey today and wonder how he's doing. It was his birthday. He just turned 35...in prison.  I have talked to his mum this week to see how he is, to see how she is, and to see if I would be able to mail him a letter.
I know what he did is wrong on so very many levels, but somewhere deep inside me I can't just turn my back on him. I know some people think I'm crazy and think I should just wash my hands of him and be done with it.

So what's coming up...?

Going to make dinner on Saturday for my dad his gf, and our friends The Farmer and Femme, as well as my 4. Not the biggest crowd I've cooked for but still a good size.

Sugarbear and I (and The Man) are having a bit of a gathering for New Years Eve... the Boychild will be there, it'll really be the first time he's really kind of hung out with Sugarbear. We're going to fondue it up with The Farmer and Femme. Hoping that Nickle will be there, maybe Pinky (miss him).
I've invited some others... starting to think that Leethal and Punisher aren't really interested with maintaining a friendship with us any more. I hardly hear from them, and seems when I do text it's not really ever a good time. Invited them to come out on NYE but I think they're sort of waiting to see if something better comes along. At least...that's how it feels. Who knows.
Been a year and I know she still seems to get amazed and weirded out about the whole situation of the three of us...lol

Beyond that... I have no idea.

I'm hoping for at least month off from going to funerals or having someone I know passing away...that would be lovely.

In good news...

I found a Target gift card on my desk that has fifty bucks on it.
I'm still not smoking.
I'm still enjoying my knitting.
My kids are healthy.
I love The Man and Sugarbear... and I'm fairly certain they both love me.

Good Night.

Merry Christmas.

Sometimes It's Just Silence You Need...

Last night I went to derby practice and sat out, I had one of my team mates skate up to me about half way in and ask me what was broken...generally just her way of asking why I wasn't skating.

Truth is I feel broken... I feel like for the last two weeks there's been some civil unrest within my body as I try to do the battle of staying on track and healthy and not having enough money to stay on track and be healthy.

I would sit at my desk and want to cry at the smell of potatoes cooking in the kitchen because I know that I can't eat them but know that there wasn't much left in the kitchen that I could eat.

I would frown and feel sad when having to put rice on my plate because besides a piece of chicken or pork chop there wasn't anything else that I could eat for dinner.

Then of course I would feel ridiculous because at least I had food in the house where I could provide a 'decent' meal for the rest of my family and I should have felt happy about that, but all I could think about was how much pain that food was going to cause me.

It has caught up to me today and that civil unrest within me has turned into a full scale civil war and the south is unhappy. So many aches in my joints, my back hurts when it's straight...and when I slouch.
I'm on the verge of screaming in anger and screaming in pain...but trying very hard to not scream at all.
I want to cry because now that I know what it feels like to be better it feels a thousand times worse when I am forced to fuck it all up.

My ankle feels like it did when I got the ability to walk on it again after getting my cast off. My knees are not happy campers at all. My sinuses are stuffed and it feels like my head is going to explode from this stupid headache that I have.

I feel like if I open my mouth to hold a 'normal' conversation I'm either going to cry or scream in the persons face that they don't understand what's happening inside of me and how dare they try to talk to me when I'm in so much pain.

When like this you can't see it from the outside, you can't tell I'm in pain, unless you really know me. How am I supposed to expect people to know if I don't tell them. I just can't put into words how much this sucks.

To make things worse since I've decided to start doing the weigh ins again I know there is one coming up and I'm not looking forward to seeing how that is going to turn out. I figure I'll have gained weight and it'll just depress me even more.

On top of all this bullshit with me...

A man I once loved very much, is having his preliminary hearing today, after having been arrested last week.

I was stunned into silence, confusion, disbelief and so many other emotions when I had found out that the DrunkenMonkey had been arrested on 27 counts of sexual abuse of a child, 1 count of continual sexual abuse of a child, 1 count of sexual exploitation of a child, 1 count of  providing alcohol to an under age person, 5 counts of sexual solicitation of a child, 2 counts of endangering the welfare of a child and 2 counts of unlawfully administering drugs.

Yep.

He was held with a $799 600 secured bond.

Yeah been trying to process that for nearly a week. How is it that someone can sink so low?
I knew he needed professional help for his alcohol abuse but he had been going to counselling...

I was thankful that his (now ex) girlfriend had let me know immediately, because people we had mutually known had started to message me with a 'You'll never guess what's going on in Dover.' So thankfully I didn't get blind sided by those who just wanted to gossip and point.

I know what he did is sickening. I feel more disappointed in him then anything else at this point. I would love to have a conversation with him and just say 'What the fuck were you thinking?! She was your 13 year old step daughter. You were supposed to be her Daddy, and protect her from shit like this happening to her, not do it to her.' Well that and 'No seriously, what happened...?'

I've told Krammit and The Man, that at this point after he's found guilty and put in prison I'll just be waiting to get the message that he's been killed. If he ends up in Gen Pop he's a dead man. I will feel bad, and I'm definitely not wanting or wishing for that to happen, but I'm sadly expecting it.

So Much To Say...

I'm not even sure where exactly I should start this point...

Went to a Lioness Meeting where they dress up as Witches.
I won most original costume...wore my own clothes...lol

It's been just over a week since my last post... (wow that sort of took on a Catholic confession for a moment...)

Forgive me Padre it's been 9 days since my last confession... lol

In all seriousness... a lot has happened... or at least it seems a lot has happened.

I'm feeling really frazzled. I've never been one for being alone as most people who know me know... during the day when the Boychild is here and awake...not so bad.

When here while he's in school or after he's gone to bed... I want to be anywhere then here... well.. that's not entirely true I suppose... let's be honest... there is somewhere else I would much rather be...

Though I guess I should zip backward so that I don't get out of order in my own head.

Last Tuesday... last Tuesday was October 8th. It had been one full year since I had seen Bing. No biggie right? Riiiiight.

First time in four years that I haven't seen him. One full year of wondering how he's doing... One full year of wondering if he might still care about how I am... One full year of worrying about triggers of panic and anxiety attacks... One full year of hating how I had to say good bye to him... One full year of hiding all my feelings all the time... One full year... and I didn't fall apart... It didn't kill me... So that means I'm stronger now... right?

No matter. C'est la vie. He's doing well. It does surprise some people that I talk to that I still keep in touch with him.

So needless to say last Tuesday was most definitely not a good day for me. Enough said.

I planned on doing up a Thanksgiving dinner for those of us that come and hang out for game night on Fridays. Krammit (and her son), Nickle and Rob (their eldest), The Man and I (both our kids), Leethal and her hubby (Penalizer), Pinky, Tai and Burton was flying back home for the weekend.

So went out and got all the grub and started prepping it... found out the Penalizer wouldn't be coming he got a cook gig as a monster at a local haunted house thing and was doing that the night of. So down to 13 people...cool beans... I could do that. Then figure he'd be coming over after he was down scaring, so kept him in the count after all, just in case he was hungry.

Actually kind of made it easier. Then Thursday morning the Man and I are awoken by a phone call from his mother...she had found his step father in bed that morning, stone cold and dead. Not a nice thing to wake up to. So Thursday while I was prepping some of the food for the next night the Man spent the day trying to figure out how he could get up north (the buses only run on Sunday and Wednesdays). Ended up finding out that his father's step daughter and her husband were heading up north for the weekend...leaving on Friday after work. Of course...

So down to 12 (13ish) people for dinner. Not a problem.

Friday rolls around and I'm cooking and peeling and mashing... Had to go drop off the Man at a local car dealership so he could head up north. Picked up Burton from her hair appointment, packed up the car with the kids and the food and head to Nickle and Rob's...

To find 3 extra people there... O.o

Um.

Nearly lost it but...didn't.

Never did specifically say 'please make sure that no one else comes'... and it was regular game night... I just already always freak out that I might have made enough food when I'm feeding groups of people. I was upset at my sweet potatoes.. but meh.

The other couple that were there were really gracious about the food and enjoyed it. No idea if Rob's eldest's girlfriend had any an whether or not she enjoyed it.

Everyone else said that they enjoyed it. That made me glad.

Saturday I got up and realized that I had a shoe situation... which was... I have no good shoes that fit. I have my favourites... my mary janes... but I realized last year while in Reno that they didn't fit anymore :(
So I ran out to Wally's World and managed to score 3 pairs of shoes for 30$...which after finding 21$ in an old purse means I actually paid 9$ for 3 pairs of new shoes...
Always a bad idea though to wear brand new shoes to a wedding... so I'm glad that one of the 3 pair are a pair of flats that fit into my purse. I lasted until we got to the table for dinner...which is when I switched my shoes...lol
Right..! So Saturday I went to a wedding with Burton... The Nerd was flying off to Barcelona for another convention so I got to be his fill in for the evening. I was really nervous...I've only met the bride and groom once or twice in passing mainly. No idea who was going to be there.

Couple of sexy bitches heading to some sweet nuptials.

Burton's family was very welcoming and the awkwardness I felt didn't last very long at all. Though her one sister-in-law... wow...very touchy feely type of person... that threw me a bit at first.

Watched the nuptials, drank some, ate some, danced some... I enjoyed myself.

I can't help but wonder how long I'll have an underlying sadness to everything when I'm enjoying myself...?

Sunday... Thanksgiving again... Manchild had to work... the Man was gone... so it was Mum, Sis, Boychild and I...smallest dinner we've had in years... but was still nice...

Until I jokingly said to Mum that if/when the Man and I ever get married I was going to invite Burton's Dutch family because they're awesome... instead of asking me how they are or what makes them awesome... she turns around and says... When you get married you have to become monogamous you know... *shakes head* to which I responded with... no I don't...who says?

Don't get how or why it's any of anyone elses business whether or not Ryan and I are monogamous or not... It's not like I flaunt it in anyone's face.
For the most part those I'm getting naked with or for is a complete secret... mainly because they're married.

*snickers* but... shh!  ;)

Awesome new Hoodie...

Dashie Hoodie!!

Monday... I picked up Manchild Sunday night as I was heading home and he stayed again which was nice... I picked Burton up at her parents house and we made the trek across the border... funny... on the bridge I pick up my phone to prevent roaming charges and she picks hers up to turn it on...
Anyway...went to see PirateAnnie and PirateBobby...had a light lunch and chatted...picked up my awesome new hoodie and then I took Burton to the airport...

I couldn't go in... I really wanted to so that I could see her to the security line and give her a wave... but I just couldn't. As soon as I saw the airport my chest started tightening and my heart started racing... and I just had to breathe through it... I hugged her and waved bye to her from the parking garage instead... much like I did to Roo :(
I felt bad...
I made it to Fort Erie before I had to pull over and just let the shakes over take me and let me cry... it was like as soon as I was back on safe ground my body just wouldn't let me hold off any longer... didn't get the dry heaves but nearly felt I was going to... just thinking about it now my palms get clammy and my heart starts again...

I got home...made some dinner for the boys... then had to drive Manchild back to his dads...

I want the Man to come home. :(