Death, Prison, Dates, Babies and Derby

I'm not even sure where to start this blog post...I'm so far behind in news and thoughts and ramblings...

Not even sure how far back I need to go to try to catch up either...or if I should start with the good news or the bad...

My step father passed away at the beginning of November...the first day of it actually. He was the third of the groups of deaths that have happened in the latter half of the year. Cancer ate away his insides and he just couldn't fight it any more.

The next day Krammit gave birth to her beautiful twins...it was a bit scary for a minute or two...but everyone came out of it and  Jack and Wyatt are beautiful and two of the best babies ever.

After Al's funeral I found out that Biff my favourite Lion ever had passed away, there was no service for him... just the knowledge that in March when I go to the convention I won't get to see him...I won't get my annual picture of me sitting on his lap and having him give me advice on dirty old men.

I went to go visit Krammit and all her boys for nearly a week and it was such a great reprieve from life...I had started to get so depressed and just snuggling and loving the babies and seeing my Krammit for 5 days was just awesome.

Went to the roller derby end of the season party with both Sugarbear and The Man... There aren't words to describe how much I love that I can go out with the both of them and not have to answer to many questions.

At this point I'm not too sure about continuing on with roller derby. I've not been able to pay my dues for December, still need to come up with money for my annual insurance and money for my January dues... may need to sell a kidney to continue.

December brought on the stress of having to deal with my landlords and their thoughts that some how their lack of upkeep of the property is some how our fault. They came back a second day in a row with a paper saying that they'll be raising the rent as of March first...The Man sort of gave our notice...let's see if the landlord takes him seriously...they only thing I've heard from them is that she sent me a text asking me for a measurement for the back door...
So we'll see on the first if we are actually going to give our notice. I think it's time.
I don't want to move. I hate moving...I've moved a lot...like...a lot.
If they're not going to take care of the place and we have to pay more in rent then...what else can I really do... *le sigh*

It hasn't been all bad...?

I did get sick last week...and this past weekend was awesome and horrible all at the same time...
Last Tuesday I seemed to wake up with something horrible living in my head and throat...Wednesday was a bit touch and go as to whether or not I might have had to go to the hospital...thankfully my body decided to take pity on me and just make me feel like hell. My heart didn't go batty thankfully.

This Monday (the 22nd) was the one year mark for Sugarbear and I...went by really fast it seems. He made Saturday awesome. He brought me home a beautiful bouquet of flowers on Friday, which made me blush since before I saw them I was joking about him being spoiled. We went out for breakfast on Saturday (I was and am still, feeling a bit crappy, but I was told he was taking me out for dinner so I was determined to feel well). We went to the Keg in the Falls, had a good view, and a really yummy meal. I have to say that this visit was much better then our last one (which was our first date...lol) we were so much more comfortable with each other now and so it was just a really good time. After supper we went to Timmies and grabbed a hot chocolate and a tea, then drove down through the festival of lights and through Dufferin Island. Then headed home where I forced him to sit through the Nightmare before Christmas (because hello...everyone should see that movie... Best Christmas movie and Best Hallowe'en movie...) I then got him to open up his presents... we then went on to celebrate Christmas downstairs...

Sunday I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck... Sugarbear was a sweetheart (as he almost always is) he ran me a bath and then made me some brunch and just let me lay around most of the afternoon...which made me feel bad since he was running about cleaning up and such. We ended up going to the bakery but I think that was about it.

A bit of a back story for a moment... My friend Codex who was a diabetic and having some renal issues failed to report on the 17th for his dialysis, nurses at the hospital were concerned and made a call for a welfare check. Where he was found unresponsive in his apartment and rushed to the hospital. The found after a ct scan that no neurological activity was happening. They (his mother and sister) then started calling friends and family from out of town to come and say their goodbyes to him.
He wasn't even 30 fucking years old.

On Sunday at 6pm I got a text from Codex's mother that he was gone now. On the Winter Solstice, his favourite night of the year. The night the light starts to come back. The night that the dark times is officially over...

I'm so tired of death. After this dark time...too many people have slipped through the veil.

Twice now I've been with Sugarbear when I've gotten the news of someone passing. I was eating breakfast with him when I found out about Al...and he was making supper when I found out about Codex.

I stayed at Sugarbears house Monday, Tuesday and then came home on Wednesday... I still wasn't feeling well. But I was also using it as a hidey hole...I didn't want to leave...I didn't want to deal with the world (I still really don't want to). I love that Sugarbear let's me use his place as a sanctuary away from the bright noisy world... He's up North with his family celebrating the holiday...

Tomorrow...err...Today... I'll be heading to Mum's to go do the Christmas thing. I was talking to her on the phone earlier and couldn't stop myself from breaking down... Yesterday I just wanted to get into my car and drive to go see my mum...The Man had the car...and I didn't know what I would say when I got there...

I have these moments where I think about how Barium doesn't have her father tomorrow... Oakie doesn't have Judy this Christmas... my Mum won't have Al to snuggle with tomorrow... We won't be watching Codex's cat for him while he goes to visit his mum... Biff won't be able to see what Santa brought for his grandkids... and my beautiful beautiful friend Moon won't get to see her only child open her gifts when the sun comes up... and I just well up and start to cry.

I just want to curl up in Sugarbears big comfy bed and shut the doors...

Earlier tonight was just awful... I was trying to be in a good mood and was laughing and joking about with the Boychild...apparently The Man was annoyed and we were entertained by annoying him further...so he stormed off.
Boychild tried so very hard to cheer me up afterwards...he is such a sweet kid...he shouldn't have to deal with my depression. Standing hugging his mum in the middle of the living room while she cries because she's angry at the world and annoyed with his fathers behaviour, and frustrated that everything just seems like it's going to shit.

And we've been trying to figure out how we can get up North (5 hr drive) on the 28th for Codex's memorial service. The Man and I both really want to go... Frankly I don't like the thought of travelling for 5 hours, saying good bye to a friend and then travelling another 5 hours home again.

Was hard to not think of DrunkenMonkey today and wonder how he's doing. It was his birthday. He just turned 35...in prison.  I have talked to his mum this week to see how he is, to see how she is, and to see if I would be able to mail him a letter.
I know what he did is wrong on so very many levels, but somewhere deep inside me I can't just turn my back on him. I know some people think I'm crazy and think I should just wash my hands of him and be done with it.

So what's coming up...?

Going to make dinner on Saturday for my dad his gf, and our friends The Farmer and Femme, as well as my 4. Not the biggest crowd I've cooked for but still a good size.

Sugarbear and I (and The Man) are having a bit of a gathering for New Years Eve... the Boychild will be there, it'll really be the first time he's really kind of hung out with Sugarbear. We're going to fondue it up with The Farmer and Femme. Hoping that Nickle will be there, maybe Pinky (miss him).
I've invited some others... starting to think that Leethal and Punisher aren't really interested with maintaining a friendship with us any more. I hardly hear from them, and seems when I do text it's not really ever a good time. Invited them to come out on NYE but I think they're sort of waiting to see if something better comes along. At least...that's how it feels. Who knows.
Been a year and I know she still seems to get amazed and weirded out about the whole situation of the three of us...lol

Beyond that... I have no idea.

I'm hoping for at least month off from going to funerals or having someone I know passing away...that would be lovely.

In good news...

I found a Target gift card on my desk that has fifty bucks on it.
I'm still not smoking.
I'm still enjoying my knitting.
My kids are healthy.
I love The Man and Sugarbear... and I'm fairly certain they both love me.

Good Night.

Merry Christmas.

Loved or Lucky...?

Either way I'm feeling like both.

Today (Sunday) hasn't been the day I thought it was going to be.

Figured I'd wake up...maybe we'd have some breakfast...I'd chip away at some concrete blocks while Sugarbear worked on some electrical hookups.  (Reno that's happening in the basement). And then drag Sugarbear to the parade that the Boychild was in.

Was awoken with some makings of the lovings...and then Sugarbear says that we have to go to the mall to pick up a jersey for his nephew. I was a bit thrown but threw out the reno plans and was like alright...
Got up ran a brush through my hair and away we went.
So we get to the mall...btw for those who are new...I hate the mall in Nov and Dec...so I have my we're on a mission mode on and start weaving through Sears to get to Sportchek...most obvious place to pick up a TML jersey.
So just outside of Sears in front of Santa's lil setup that's when Sugarbear decides to tell me that we're not actually there for the jersey and that we're actually there so that he can buy me a winter coat as his Christmas present to me...

I didn't know what to say... I was speechless and suddenly didn't know what to do... we hit a few stores...ok...maybe several... I really didn't know what to do...as it dawns on me... I've never had a brand new off the shelf out of a department store winter coat before... I've always gotten hand me downs or have just picked something up from goodwill or value village or something...

I was verklempt and didn't know what to say...and for a while couldn't say anything without tears starting...and I didn't want to cry in front of him.

To some people it's just a coat...but...to me...it's mine...
Sounds weird right?
I can't explain it. This coat has never been someone elses...it's just mine.

Even after going to the parade with Sugarbear and The Man... I still couldn't say Thank You...for fear that I would start crying.

As it was...Sugarbear and I went to bed...and laying in the dark I was finally able to say it...because then he couldn't see the tears at how truly grateful I am.

It was just so thoughtful and generous of him.

Even now I'm getting all teary again thinking of how much he makes my heart swell.
He's a good man and I'm so very glad to be with him.

Now I'm really fucking stuck on what to get him for Christmas... >.<

Other Things...

Well now that that last post is out of the way I may actually be able to talk of other things.

I know that we're heading into the dark times again, it's that time of the year again. But holy shit it's sort of coming on with a vengeance this time. So many deaths, and dying going on right now that I'm feeling very empty and hollow. Like someone pulled the plug without telling me and I'm suddenly just completely drained. Being around most people is annoying me. What most people are saying is annoying me. I love Autumn, but when we head into the dark times I just want to crawl into a comfy bed and snuggle with one of my men and just say fuck it to the rest of the world.
However, Life doesn't lend itself very well to that idea, it requires me to get up out of bed and do stuff.
Sometime I would like to just stay at home (and for the most part in bed) for an entire winter. Doubt it's doable.

I judge people very harshly, I'm not sure why. I know I'm doing it and therefore can curb that somewhat but for the most part I hold people up to these ridiculously high standards. I get angry at them when they do something I wouldn't do. I don't tell them I'm angry, I just sort of mull it over and process it until I'm alright with it.
Sometimes a comment here and there will slip out, or a certain type of vernacular will be used and people will pick up on it, but I try really hard to help it nowadays.
It generally boils down to the fact that I am a selfish horrible person.


Just a statement of fact... I hate when Sugarbear is gone for two weeks...I get a bit bitchy and moody...
I also hate when The Man is gone for 2 weeks in and around the same time that Sugarbear is gone for two weeks. I seem to get extra bitchy and moody.

I have however gotten a hat and cowl set knitted in the time they were both gone. I should have been over at SB's place finishing up the inside of the house for the Hallowe'en party... but sometimes I get a bit lonely there without him.

I explained to SB a couple weeks ago the Man's and my situation a bit better, since he seemed afterward to understand it (from what he said). Not exactly sure where that leaves us.
Seems he didn't get the whole picture the first time around of trying to explain it to him, but anyway...

Few weeks ago...SB sort of took over the role of Big Daddy in my life... after it happened I found myself almost grieving the loss of Bing. I had wanted to talk with Bing about it (much to the chagrin of a few others I suspect). I didn't end up getting to talk to him about it, so decided to just leave it. I'm feeling better and SB is a new and yet fairly good Big Daddy. I have been enjoying this new addition to the non-relationship relationship (dating exclusively and only fucking each other, but not in a relationship for the better part of 9 months now...) we have going on. So yeah, again, still unsure where that leaves, besides just going with the flow.

I do need to curb my 'enthusiasm'...yeah we'll use that word for it. Green eyed monster comes out once in awhile and that's just not attractive.

anyway...

Derby... ay yi yi...where to start...actually I'll just say this. If I could afford dues and gas-wise to go elsewhere to play derby, I totally would.


Meh... I don't know what else to write about right now... I'm tired and I just want it to be Friday already.

Just Breathe...

Earlier today I was attempting to make up a post while on my phone and also in the middle of a bit of a mental break...my phone was being an asshat and not allowing me into blogger so that I could type up said post...

Now that I'm home and in a much more peaceful state of mind... I'm really quite happy that my phone prevented  me from being able to post.

Sometimes I think that I shouldn't expose myself to new people and should just save them the hassle of getting to know me, because I can be such a handful at times and trying to the most saintly...

Those that know me really well know that I'm a fairly intense and passionate person. Not necessarily negative and yet not necessarily positive things either. It's just how I am. As I said in a chat earlier today... My happiness when I have it is intense, my sadness is intense, my anger is intense and when horny...well that gets pretty intense...lol
It's like when they were handing out the doses of emotions to everyone I got greedy and ended up with 3 doses to everyone elses 1 dose.

I no longer apologize for this. It's who I am. It's likely why I have to deal with depression.

Where a text message from my Mum asking me if I'd like to come over for Thanksgiving and that she loves me can bring me to tears.

However, that intensity can bring a whole other level of awesomeness when it comes in the form of sex... may also explain a bit about my insatiable never ending libido as well... hmm now there's one I hadn't thought of.

My reward centre is fucked...when it wants something it wants it now and it doesn't want to stop getting it...lol

Anyway... I digress...

Today was a low day... A day were I was preparing for a painful hurt that hasn't happened and doesn't exist. I was prepping for an end that isn't in sight. I tried to skate it out, because sometimes that really helps...today it didn't. I tried laying in the bath and just tried to meditate and relax and let it go...and that didn't help.

I started chatting it out with Burton...and by 'started chatting it out' I sort of blind-sided her with a bit of a meltdown... Sometimes a level head that's 3000 miles away is what you need. And the convincing me that I should just say something to Sugarbear instead of fretting over what was probably nothing...
btw - no probably about it... it was nothing.
not that I want to discredit my own emotions...just sometimes they are like a run away train...especially around the end of the month...lol

I need to stop complicating shit...and I need to stop letting my brain convince me that everything is going to go to shit.

I also realized that I need to go back to taking my vitamin D...especially now that we'll be heading into winter again.

Taking a deep breath...

On the list of things marked as 'Other'...
I'm officially finished my job, need to find another it seems.
Skating is going to resume this Thursday,,,can't wait to get back to training. Although not looking forward to all the 'business' that goes along with the league.
I've been so sad, my beautiful friend Monette's 24 year old daughter died. And just a couple weeks ago my wonderful friend Judy lost her battle with cancer, leaving her lovely wife Oklahoma behind. I'm too far away from either of them to even give them a hug and tell them I love them.
Also.. I CANNOT wait until the hallowe'en party that's coming up in 24 days...!!

Hallowe'en 2012

Hallowe'en 2013

Don't Play Well With Others...

That territorial thing is kicking in again...and I don't like it.

As I pointed out in a conversation I was having earlier today in a chat... "And you know me... I'm the jealous type that doesn't play well with others and not really good at sharing my toys..."

I think I need to step back a moment...reassess and see where to go from there... I will not fall back into the routine that comes with the territorial behaviours...it just makes me ugly...

I just want it all to stay as it was at that moment on Monday morning...