No Take Backs

I said the words last night. I said them out loud to someone I love. It was the first time I told anyone even the vaguest details of what happened to me that day when I was alone in the hospital.

I hadn't told anyone. I hadn't even said them out loud to myself.

It was because I was trying to connect with them, giving them a bit of insight into the trauma of losing my child.
I shed tears, and had too much wine.

They thought in that moment that I was trying to one up them. They took my confession the wrong way, it made me sad that I was just trying to open up to them.

Now I can't take those words back.

Old Life...New Place...

The moments when he asks What's wrong and I keep answering with 'nothing' because it's easier to say that instead of trying to form the words to say, I already told you yesterday what's wrong and we haven't addressed it because I would likely just break down and start crying... instead of just releasing a few tears at a time like the rest of the day.

How my teeth and jaw hurt from clenching back my truth, because I don't want to be a bother, because I don't want to hear his truth...

How my throat hurts from swallowing back questions...comments... probably silly corny stuff...

How my head hurts because of trying so hard to not cry right now.

How I just want the dryer to finish so that I can make the bed...curl up in it...go to sleep and just get on with tomorrow.

How my heart hurts because I miss him already and he's still right in front of me...but too busy unpacking his old life in his new place.