A Song Of You... Comes As Sweet And Clear As Moonlight... Through The Pines

Sometimes I sit and want to send you a message... but then I remember that you're not really there... that you probably wouldn't respond or would remind me things that were said...

I wonder how you are and see you sometimes from afar but never really know when you're there.

*sighs* Proverbs 5:1-23 and 7:1-27 I suppose.

Christmas was good... I don't care about what anyone else says... I still believe in Santa Claus... if it wasn't for him we wouldn't have had a Christmas at our house... gathering with family was good.

And getting to talk to Bing four days in a row was quite nice... I'm still hoping and wishing for a visit but haven't been bringing it up... probably too worried that it won't happen... hell the first one almost didn't ...

Snow fell yesterday and actually stayed... looks like winter finally started... at this rate though if it's a full winter there'll be snow on Ostara (Easter)... *le sigh*

I dislike the cold of winter as much as I dislike the humidity of summer... it's a damp coldness here... the kind that creeps into your bones and makes it near impossible to warm up again... my Aunt and Cousin are visiting from Saskatchewan and they've been complaining about the cold here... right we're talking about people who live in a place where it gets to -35'F... so yeah you know it's bad when they're complaining about it...

I'm stalling on the cleaning I need to be doing right now... my house looks like a christmas tornado went through it. The boychild and I did pick up some of the mess but there's more to do. Not going to make him do too much when I don't feel like doing it either. I'll be more inclined to do it when the man gets home I suppose...

I've been going through old chats to find out some info that I know that I've forgotten... and it's been showing me just how much stuff has changed. I do so much appreciate the logging function on messenger services...

and I meant to post this a few hours ago and it's now 11pm ... oops... totally got distracted by some other stuff...

Anyway... I hope you all had a nice holiday... well except you... yeah you know who you are... why do you even still come here??

*hugs and kisses to my Big Daddy*

Oh Freedom Is Mine And I Know How I Feel, It's A New Dawn It's A New Day It's A New Life For Me And I'm Feeling So Good...

a headache that won't quit after 6 days... dizziness... lack of appetite... and 4 episodes in one day...

yeah should probably go see a doctor...

*sighs and shrugs*

maybe it'll just pass.

*yep title is longer then the post*

If You're Not A Friggin 'Tard You Will Prevail... Your Disguise Is Slipping... Everything You Ever...

Well now that that's settled... let's try this again.

It's been at least a months since I've really posted anything here.

After years and years of the hating on zombies I decided to try another zombie movie. I really do hate the lil fuckers, and hate how loved they are by people. They're not cool, or anything to me. so last night while doing some other stuff here at my desk I watched Zombieland. Not overly impressed though there were some funny lines and such... it was a good movie if you take out all the zombies ;)

I've taken a 'chill the fuck out' pill... before I end up causing a bunch of shit to happen that wasn't actually going to happen but my paranoia causes me to make it happen... *laughs* yeah figure that one out.

I've gotten to the point where I don't care about christmas, since I know I won't be getting what it is I want. I've got some presents for the kids but I'm not freaking out because I wasn't able to get them a lot. I've made some goodies and put them in some tins for some others. Other then that I've decided to make the effort to not get so upset about presents for all those I'd like to get presents for. Hell most of the xmas cards I would have killed myself to get out, haven't been done. There's only two things left I need to do, that's to send out two packages which I really wanted to do before the actual holiday... again though can't afford it so. *shrugs* I guess they get their presents late.

As for the rest... I just need to finish up the rituals that will be done, go to the xmas concert for the boychild tomorrow, get a couple more classes done, clean the house and ..... ok so I do have a few things left to do...

I have all the time in the world. *smiles*

I really do... I make the time for the stuff that needs to be done.. or the stuff that I want to get done. I make the time, always have. I grew up in a household where if you wanted to do something you found the time to do it. I found time to be in karate, dancing, cheerleading, AV club, Environmental Awareness club, Fashion Show, Healthy Lifestyles club, UN Debate, Badminton, Volleyball, Basketball, have a steady beau, keep up with all my friends and I did it all while drunk and high...

So yeah... I make time.

Sometimes a lil girl just needs her Daddy. (yep out of the blue and just for one of you)

Though I should probably send my father a message and see if he'll be in the area in the next bit and if so invite him and his wife to dinner. *shrugs*

Think if anyone gives me money for christmas I'm gonna use it for a tattoo. Right across my face. *laughs*

Oh yeah... other news...

I am no longer a staff member on the mush... and as much as I thought that would pain me in some way. It really doesn't, I'm a bit bummed but all in all I think I was ready for the end of it all. I was sick of the hypocrisy from the guy who owned the place. I was tired of complaints from players because others weren't doing their job. I was upset at all the double standards in place there.

I'm still on the fence as to whether or not I'll be keeping my characters there so that I can rp. I'm starting to doubt it. There's other players that have left because of crap between other players, and then there's those who have a problem with stuff that's being done staff-wise and yet won't say anything. Then there's players who are inconsiderate and rude, oh and of course those that are liars. Not even mentioning the drama inducing idiots. And really even just doing some rp there are things pointing me to the 'quit' door.

I dunno.. is the attachment I have for my characters strong enough to keep me from quitting. I really would hate to lose them after all the work and time I put into them. I've already had one leave (read that as, commit suicide... no possible way for her to come back again).

Bah... have to go finish typing up tomorrow's rit... and Thursday's class notes... and Monday's rit... and finish making the peanut butter balls... tidy up a bit for tonight's class... get a date to set the euchre tournament for the meeting tonight... and even through all of that I still make time to think about you and miss you... ;)

Happy Yuletide Season (in case I don't get back here until the new year)

...listening to my own singing...

I come to you every night by way of your window...you don't seem to see me...do you feel me I wonder as I stand in the darkness of your room...do you feel my presence as I stand next to your bed and gaze at you while you sleep...do you feel me as I try ever so hard to feel the warmth of your skin as I brush my hand down your cheek...do you notice when I sit next to you and watch your body move ever so slightly up and down as you breathe...do you feel me next to you when I lay down and ret my head on your chest...how I wish I was able to actually feel your warm touch....how I wish I could smell your soft musky scent...how I wish I could stay and have you see me when you open you eyes...do you know that I've been there next to you...do you know how long I stay and just watch you while you sleep...how peaceful you look...how content you look while dreaming the dreams that I hope are about us...I wish I was able to get in your dreams and let you know that I have been there...I wish there was some way to let you know that I had been there...do you know how much I long to actually feel your soft warm skin pressing up against mine...it kills me to come and not be able to feel you...but its much worse when I don't come to see you...my heart aches to be with you...my body cries out for the touch of yours...my soul shudders with the anticipation of seeing you again...I have to keep from dying inside everyday because I'm not apart of your reality as of yet...I watch you as you sleep and wish I could be there next to you...I wish I could let you know that I have been there...I wish you could feel me there with you always.

And So I Cry Sometimes When I'm Laying In Bed Just To Get It All Out What's In My Head...

nails says, "46 would be big enough for my apartment, but not for my ego"

nails is compensating

nails says, "for your small penis?"

nails says, "oof"

nails says, "you should go for a 70"."

Sorad says, "I have a 55" CRT rear-projection. It is very bulky."

nails nods

nails has DLP rear proj

nails says, "I didn't want to pay an extra grand for a flat screen with worse contrast"

You say, "I only have a 15 inch crt, does that mean I have a huge penis?"

nails says, "Dwy, satellites can see your junk from space"

Tiamat admires Dwy's junk

Sorad says, "Is that what keeps hitting me in the ey?"

nails touches Dwy's junk. without getting up off the couch. in NH.

Sorad says, "It knocked a damned 'e' off."

Dwyvach loses it laughing.

You say, "I almost choked on my popcorn"

nails says, "are you just going to do guitar? skip the whole kit?"

You say, "thanks I needed that, helps make me forget my arm is killing me"

nails hugs Dwy. "you strained it? had to pee?"

Sorad says, "Or masturbate?"

Sorad shudders.

Dwyvach laughs and shakes her head

You say, "Nah nails can do that for me in NH"

nails says, "I just tickle the tip. Sorad works the shaft."

Narkash says, "Masturbation takes a team of 250 strategically placed throughout the Mid-Atlantic region"

I know longer feel comfortable posting personal stuff here, which would explain the long bouts of silence....

there's a couple of people that no longer even speak to me that read my blog and then decide to spew hate about me behind my back...

So... so much for my own place on the web... enjoy any of the stuff I do decide to put up.

I'd Be Willing To Change The World For You... Would You For Me?

Today is a good day to sit back and remember.

Not just all those who have died in the wars and fights around the world, not just the soldiers who call our country home...

But it's a good time to sit back and reflect on how it is that we treat others... Would those who have sacrificed themselves for a more peaceful world be proud of the way we treat each other?

Would they take pride in the generations that came after them? or would they shake their heads in disgust at the pettiness, the selfishness, the shallowness that goes around?

Today I sat back and I looked at all the status messages on all the different social and networking sites that I belong too and seeing the majority of them reflecting and begging us and telling us ... Remember Them! ... I remember them every time that I as a pagan woman sits down to gather with my friends and loved ones for pagan rituals... I remember them all... those that stood up and fought so that others couldn't come and take our rights from us, those who fought to give us more rights, those who came before us in all aspects of our lives that fought their way through lives so that their children could grow up in a world that they wanted for themselves but would never see.

I remember the stories of the wars, the burnings, the hunts, the inquistions... I remember and I cringe... I cringe at how we as human beings deal with one another... holding grudges over petty differences... nattering about each other... taking offense in small things that in the grande scheme of things is nothing... is a spot of dust next to world wide problems...

I know we're not perfect and I know damn well I'm not perfect... but enough is enough... you tell me to remember, you tell me to honour, you tell me to take pride... all of us need to do it... all of us need to find those things in ourselves... all of us need to remember what hurts us hurts others as well...

This Rememberance Day... I sat here in my house for near 10 minutes in silence... the birds, the cats, the man... everyone was silent. In those minutes as they ticked by I did acknowledge and thank from my heart those veterans, all veterans, from all wars... and I was disappointed in myself and for others, as I also sat and remembered all the petty bickering, fussing, nattering and bitching that's been going on around lately... I was sad that for all the lives that have been taken, given and mourned, even for those who fought and still came home again... no one takes the time to stop and thank them every day, by honouring them every day to strive to be the best human being you could to show that this is a world worth fighting for... to show that this is a world worth stopping the wars for... it all starts at home...

It all starts with being kind to others... to loving each other... to just being polite to one another... I sound like some preachy hippie I know but there is truth in it... it's not some sort of profound knowledge that has been tucked away... it's everything you learned in kindergarten... be nice to one another... dont hit any one... share your toys with one another... use your words...

So sit back and if you didn't do it at 11 this morning do it now... sit there in silence... complete silence... and think to yourself how can I be a person worth saving the world for...

I did. I am. and I think you're all worth saving the world for, so I'm willing to change to make it so.

who will dry the tears of the scared lil boy?

whose killed for his country and will have to do more..

who will dry the tears of the scared lil boy?

whose all alone in his own four walls...

who will dry the tears of the scared lil boy?

who won't show that he's scared no matter what happens...

who will dry the tears of the scared lil boy?

whose best friend is alcohol and smokes too much in a day...

who will dry the tears of the scared lil boy?

whose afraid if you get to close you'll hate him inside...

who will dry the tears of the scared lil boy?

who puts on the act so that you won't go away...

who will dry the tears of the scared lil boy?

when he can't come home for he's been deployed...

who will dry the tears of the scared lil boy?

I don't know who...will you?

He won't show you he's scared...or tired of being alone...he wants someone there everytime he comes home...He won't show you himself for he won't look inside and realize there's no reason to hide...People love him and he doesn't understand why.

who will dry the tears of this lil scared boy when he realizes he's not a lil boy?

... not even listening to music ...

Sometimes I have one of those days where I sit and wonder all day long why I even bothered to get out of bed...

I know we all have those days...



I woke up to a message to me in my inbox of someone complaining about and talking about someone else. Had to deal with that one.
I then in the midst of my afternoon had the someone else that was referred to in the mentioned message above knock on my door and need to talk about the person who sent the message.
After thinking about the situation I sat down and wrote them both one email, stressing that whatever is going on is not nearly as important as the community that needs them. And should they want to I'm available to talk with both over a tea to get it all straightened out once and for all...

So after that... I log on to some blah-ness on the game... deal with that stuff... realize that I'm not even in a frame of mind to play let's pretend and escape into game time... especially after she decides to page me which leaves me sitting here frowning at my screen going 'wtf does she want?' - he figures she just totally forgot who I was in game... uh huh... sure.

I find myself sitting here clicking on facebook games that have no rhyme or reason and are just mind numbingly boring...while chatting away with Bing... good times... then after a small bout of jealousy rearing up... he's off finding food for over an hour...while I sit here dozing... to have him come back so angry about something that happened while he was afk that he's found that he can't even sit and talk to me because he was so angry he couldn't be coherent... talk about colouring me surprised...

So I've been left with this shitty feeling because of really... everyone else's bad day...

Tomorrow's Sunday... I'm wondering if I should just not chance it and stay in bed until Tuesday... because my Saturday just felt like a Monday... big time...

*sighs* I'm going to bed. fuck this shit.

Te quiero papi ... I love you fry guy ...

Happy Hour, Happy Hour... Happy Hour Is Here

Couple of anniversaries just happened...

The man and I had our anniversary on the 31st... 11 years now we've been together... and we couldn't be happier right now... (well we could use some money to pay off some bills... but yeah...)

and we've now been in this house for 1 whole year... we've enjoyed this house.. we've been able to do what we've wanted to do for quite sometime... had rituals here, womens circle, gatherings, classes... etc.

We moved into this house on Nov 1... it took us nearly 4 days to move in... it was just the man and I loading the moving truck and unloading the moving truck... and both of us were so ill that we could barely lift anything heavier then say 10 lbs.... that made moving difficult to say the least.
The boys helped as much as they could but they're just young.

In this past single year so much has happened that I couldn't even begin to sit down and cover it all...

between people who have come into our lives and people I've taken out of our lives... our health has been good... I've not been getting quite as sick as I was before. Though when I have they've landed me in the hospital so yeah... have to keep from getting sick.

Think it's about time to get my arse up stairs though and clean out the spare bedroom. Set it up as an actual bedroom... I guess I had been holding off because I was hoping to be setting it up as a nursery. Since that doesn't seem to be happening I think we'll definitely get a futon and some more shelves and stuff... get all our books in there and maybe a small dresser and use it as a guest room/library... I have to reorganize my craftroom... maybe steal the trunk the kids aren't using and put all my material and fabrics in there... right now they seem to be all over the place...
Also need to get up there and do a major clean out of the kids toys... so many just laying about and with Yule time coming they're probably going to get more... that and a lot of the time they're just not playing with the toys... especially the manchild... being 12 now.

*sighs* oy... so much work to do...

So the oddness of the past few days seems to have passed this morning...
The last few days I've been waking up at exactly 9:44am. To add to it I've been 'go to bed' tired by about 10 or so pm...
So this morning I woke up at... 7:34am... yay! ... not really... I'm sitting here very very tired... I don't want to go back to bed for a nap because I want to be able to sleep tonight... but at the same time if I don't take a nap then I'll end up in bed at 9pm which would suck since I have a meeting tonight...

Samhain was awesome... had a great ritual here at the house with friends and family...
I'm feeling that since it's been a year I'm going to go ahead and change the temple up a bit... So in the next few days I'll be going ahead and doing that... I feel bad for the man... that usually means me in there with a drill and needing help moving furniture...

Think I may get started today while not doing much else...

but first I link food would be in order...


Je t'aime, mes hommes. <3

She Feels Like Kicking Out All The Windows...And Setting Fire To This Life

So quick before I have to do my hair for this meeting tonight...

The man asked me during a moment of weakness... would I be interested if we could get the start up would I be willing to open a store here in the city...

not sure what I was thinking... said yes.

So as you can imagine from my name 'The Witchdoctor' (given to me by a friend) and the content of my blog being very pagan in nature due to the fact.. oh hey look at me.. I'm a witch! ;)

it would be an occult shop... the city is seriously lacking one... there is a very new age type store on the west end of the city but it's over priced due to it being in a strip mall...

It would be nice to do... don't know about getting the start up for it though... *shrugs* filed away as something that may happen... we'll see...

I'm off to a meeting tonight at Lions... dressing up in last years costume... after I get home around midnight I'll be headed into the temple for a healing ritual I'm going to be doing for my friend who's heading to surgery tomorrow morning...

Scary ass shit... So I'll have a couple hours between meeting and ritual to just chill out and relax...

Alright... must go do my hair... glad I'm not doing this again on Friday...

Bitch Looks Like a Werewolf Wearing a Thong Sometimes

Look Ma No Sleep!! (oh yeah... and no hands!)

Yes ladies and gentlemen welcome to the 25th and 1/2 hour of me with no sleep...

people ask me how I do it... well it takes talent, perservereance, hard work, dedication and practice practice practice...

Now you may also ask "why do you do it?!"

Is it the fuzzy headed-ness that comes around hour 20 or so?

Is it the nausea that comes at hour 23?

Is it the muscle aches and pains that comes around hour 21?

or maybe...

Is it the heavy eye lids at hour 24 that keep ya doing it?

No kids... its the exhaustion...

It's making yourself get to that sweet point of exhaustion where you know that when you do finally slip into bed and know that as soon as you close your eyes nothing else will be in your mind but.. sleep.

Sweet... dreamless... restful sleep...

Sleep that doesn't let your mind wander because it's too busy trying to recoup...

I was going to say something about people coming to my blog and read it nearly daily who don't even care or like me anymore... but.. meh. too tired and not worth it...

I apparently am Bing-less til Wednesday... ick... meeting on Wed, ritual Wed night after said meeting... so yeah... maybe Thursday then... I think I just cried a little at that thought... *sighs*

I just got side tracked checking my mail. Wow for like 10 minutes.

Seriously think it might be time to get some sleep....

Oh here's some fun.. Friday is the Witches Ball... and Saturday is Samhain... trick or treating... ritual... big feast... fun fun fun...

*looks at above statement, and then the above the above the above statement and shakes her head*

*yawns* ... yeah... laters.

Enh... started listening to ICP and decided to push through the tired as long as I can... longest is four days... should I go for a win and pass that?

there's like a tonne I want to write about... but ... just can't figure out how to say it... all kinds of shit spinnin' and flippin' around in my head... bah anyway...

Driving Fast Now... Don't Think I Know How To Go Slow

Well it's official... the man and I have given up... after just over 2 years of trying to have a baby we've throw in the towel so to speak... it's probably for the best... but still bugs me...

For two years it's killed me when I've found out others around me are pregnant or just had babies... and then I torture myself by actually listening to them tell me all about it instead of quietly excusing myself from the conversations when deep down inside all I wanted to do was scream at them to shut up... I think I've done rather well...

The pain hurts so bad... my heart is broken right now... I'm not feeling well and I just want to crawl into bed and sleep until I can't anymore... But unfortunately I have a class tonight... distractions... right, mi amor?

*sighs* So I pull up my big girl panties and suck it up, buck up and keep my chin up... miss any cliches there? ... Yeah I've been doing that for two years... I'm sick of hiding behind the mask of calm, cool, serene, unwaivering... I would like to just wallow for just a few stinking moments without someone telling me it's going to be alright... or that it'll be ok... I just want someone to hold me so I can cry it out of my system... without them trying to make me feel better... to just be there with a shoulder... or two...

An hour and a half wait down at the medical centre to have less then a five minute appointment to pretty much say there's nothing else without referring us to the centre in Hamilton... yeah.. no... so walked home and tried to not think about it too much...

So now... I haven't slept at all... I'm looking at the clock and thinking 'shit class in 5 hours... So I need to drag my 'happy' ass to get some sleep... I think I"m coming down with something again... who knows... maybe more trips to the hospital are in my future...

And I Realize I'm Never Gonna Quit You Over Time

It was seven years ago today that my familiar died in my arms... his name was Ares and he was the best cat in the world...

There has been a few times when I go to talk to Oynx (my cat now) and I've accidentally called him Airball... or Ares.. or one of the many other name I had for Ares... I end up apologizing to Oynx but he comes to all of Ares' nicknames and just cants his head to the side when I slip and call him Ares.

In the seven years since Ares died I've had other cats, even other black cats that I never slipped and called them Ares... it's only ever happened with Oynx.

I had almost forgotten all about the anniversary of Ares' death until Oynx (doing something very un-Oynx like) jumped up into my lap last night and curled up to go to sleep. Generally when Onnie wants to lay on me he climbs up on my chest or shoulders or back of my chair. Last night he very quietly curled up in my lap and didn't even seem to mind me tap tap tapping away on the keyboard beside his ear. He stayed like that long enough that my legs actually started to hurt because I hadn't moved them in so long.

that's it for now... have to go get ready to go for womens circle tonight...

My Life Would Suck Without You

Long day today...

did a house cleansing with the man and a friend of ours... there was a fair amount of yuckiness coming from the one end of the house... so we're downstairs and grandma comes home... I'm thinking 'oh crap' now we have to explain what's going on... why the house is full of smudge smoke... the friend we were doing it with/for just greeted her grandmother and told her what we were doing... 'a house blessing'... well that's exactly what we were doing... the grandmother is extremely religious as a roman catholic and she's 94... I found the grandmother to be quite open about what we were doing when explained that we were asking God to bless the house and all the people who reside in it... also found out that she enjoyed a lovely lunch with her brother at red lobster... *laughs*

came home and relaxed... talked to Krammit... whined to her a bit about present situations... got the pat on the back and the 'keep your eye on the prize' talk... *chuckles*

got ready for my meeting...

Went and told them my ideas and told them about the forum... they seemed to like the talk I gave... I dunno...

I ended up signing up to be the one up dating the website for the club... more work but at least work I don't have to get up from my desk to do...

back home did some stuff on the game...

talked to my Bing... for not nearly as I would have liked too... but totally not going to complain about the hour I did get... my new mantra... I'm happy with the time I get... yeah if I keep repeating that enough hopefully it'll come true... *laughs*

keeping my eye on the big prize... enjoying the now... looking toward the future...

the man is sick... migraine and sick... not a pretty sight... though he seemed to be feeling much better today... helped with the house cleansing... that made me very happy...

the kidlets are both good... man child got a hair cut... says he didn't like his pictures so he's going to get retakes done at school... wouldn't even let me see the proofs that came in...

boy child got his proofs in but we think we may go with retakes and take our chances... he said he'll try to do a better smile this time... *laughs* he didn't really smile at all... no dimples showing nothing...

I've been having some problems sleeping lately... but I'm fairly certain that I know what that's from and if that's the case then I'll be having sleeping issues for at least another six months.... :(

Sleep In Peace When Day Is Done

I really did want to sit down and do up a new blog post...

and now that I am... I'm just too emotionally drained...

had a rough day

and never did get any better at the end... even doing the normal things to try to cheer up from it...

*sighs*

Oh well... can only hope that tomorrow will be better.

Hope you had a good day.

Lo siento mi amor.

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The Human Tragedy Consists In The Necessity Of Living With The Consequences

I should check my horoscope now that it's the end of the day...

See if it says anything about unexpected misunderstandings with a loved one, or unexpected/uninvited guests, or miscommunication from an acquaintance/employer/co-worker...

Because yeah all that shit happened today... on top of... me having to cancel my doc's appt, kidlet didn't go to school, skipped out on my meeting...

hold on one sec... I'm gonna look up m,y horoscope...

Virgo says - See if you can get your friends to see the logic of your position -- but don't expect them to embrace it wholeheartedly. You've got it down cold, but it might actually be a little too cold for them.

Libra says - Your great personal energy makes you want to get out there and try new things -- no matter what! Even if you're slammed with work or home chores, you should still have time for fun.

Hmm nope... see why I don't read them...

*sighs*

I feel like an angry bag of shit...

I was under the impression that we were having fun together... and that we would continue to do so in the days (meaning just future) to come... no expectations... no demands... just come and go as you please or I please... but it was something to do together... *shrugs*

(btw - talking about a game here people... stop always thinking my relationship is falling apart...)

As for the unexpected/uninvited guest...

Yeah generally if people have a problem with me or have an opinion about my life, I tell 'em if you can't talk to me about it then keep it to yourself. I have friends of the same opinion... sometimes things get a little rough... but generally everything works out in the end... so I had a friend who was a huge advocate of this practice... or so I thought... until I'm hearing shit she's saying about my family... do not fuck with my family... you will pay for it if you do...

I know how foreboding... ooo... however.. I am worse then a mama grizzly when you mess with my family...

So this person shows up today at my house... unfortunately about the same time as the inspector and landlord show up... so I couldn't even kill her... there were witnesses.

Anyway... I guess it's just been a real shitty day from the moment it started... spread out to everyone who came into contact with me... and went from there.

New schedules... changes... all sorts of fun is starting... I love this time of year... but it always brings such weirdness with it... once it's settled and the land is blanketed with snow and I only have to have minimum contact with the outside world... oh what a happen camper I will be, it'll be just 'super duper'...

Things I'll be thinking about during the dark times... am I high maintenance? too demanding? do I require too much attention? am I worth the hassle ? see that one has gotten me every year for about 6 years now... I never really knew how much those words hurt me until I found myself asking them of myself...

All those have 'I' in them because well it's time to look within and do soul searching... People during the dark times, end up hearing a lot of...

I just had an epiphany... I just came to the realization... You know what I figured out... I've thought about it and...

I consider myself one of the luckiest people I know... I have men I never fight with... I have two boys who so far are really good... and family that is caring and generous, loyal and loving... usually to a fault but hey we all have those...

I have those pieces that I had been searching for and have come together and made me feel whole...

We've all seen it... Jerry Maguire... "You complete me" ... how many times have you thought that about your lover/spouse/friend?

It's not a silly line from a movie... ok so it is... but so many people feel it... so why do we all think it lame or hokey when others say they feel it about another person...

I love the lame, the cheesy, the hokey, mushy, the embarrassing... you know why? because when you love someone you should let them know... every day... every time you talk to them... tell them how you feel deep inside... you'll type it, or say it in your head and read it or think about it... and go omg I can't send/tell them that! ... they'll think I'm nuts... but they'll walk away going... wow. And if it comes from that special place in your heart... it will be some of the most honest words.

Some of the most heartfelt and touching things come from someone who's embarrassed to say it.

Courage, my word, it didn't come, it doesn't matter,

Courage, it couldn't come at a worse time.

Something that was said to me that I will most likely never forget... because it was super sweet and was completely unexpected... and came from someone that one would never think would get mooshy...

"I was thinking about you tonight...bereft of your eyes, your smile, your voice. It was a singularly unpleasant experience. "

*gets a goofy grin* There was more... but that's all I'm willing to share at the moment...

Tell people that they are important to you...

I think I just made myself feel a little less shitty...

It'd Be Better For Us If You Don't Understand

You don't realize how much you use a body part until you injure it in some way... *sighs*

End of August I was doing something that caused an odd sensation in my left shoulder... I didn't really think about it too much at the time. I just shrugged off the wee bit of pain for the few days afterward, figuring it was just tender from whatever happened...

Fast forward to today...

Every movement of my arm has been causing me to wince in extreme pain. I've asked the Man to remind me on Monday to call the doctor so that I can make an appointment.

According to his doctor you should be able to put your hand behind your back and lift your hand to just above where your bra strap would be (if you're a woman)... If you can't do that you have either muscle weakness or a shoulder injury.

I put my left hand behind my back and lift it to the small of my back and I'm ready to cry. So yeah... I'm thinking I fucked up my shoulder...

And no I'm not going to tell you what I was doing when I messed up my shoulder... :P

*****

Went to Ollie's funeral today... it was alright... very Christian... if I had of thought of it I would have started to count how many times he said God during the service because man it seemed like a million. Though I have to say he impressed be, since he went on to talk about how God is neither male or female, and said the christians screwed it up calling God Father... because it should have been Creator. So was actually an interesting service.

After the service all the pagans in the building went out back and did a chant for Ollie and sent her back to the arms of the God and Goddess in our own way.

Funeral home was ok with that, which was really cool of them as well.

Afterward, we went in and had a bit of lunch, family got to take a couple flowers home each from one of the largest of the bouquets that were sent for her.

It was tough (still is), though I didn't get to see Ollie on a regular basis anymore she was still my Gran and I'm still really going to miss her.

*****

I was totally uber squee last night and this morning... *chuckles*

I couldn't stop grinning, smiling or giggling while talking last night. Friggin' made me feel like some kind of school girl...

Thank ya Bing... ;)

you made me so uber giddy last night and this morning...

*****

Well I'm off as this post has taken me all day to write... started it before the funeral...

all kinds of 'sum-tin' to The Man and Bing...

It Would Seem To Me... I Remember Every Single Fucking Thing I Know

Sometimes when I'm feeling out of sorts (like this evening) for whatever reason I try to find something that has made me happy or lifted my spirits to see if it will do that again.

I'm out of sorts this evening I think mainly because Gran died... well about 24 hrs ago.

But I don't think it's just that which has me sitting here wondering about things...

I've also been getting ideas that I"d like to do for this years Samhain... it'll be the first for the womens circle and I want to do a good one that will be remembered... but as I do the searches on ideas... I'm reminded that we'll be opening the door to the dark times...

The times were we reflect upon ourselves and do some heavy duty soul searching and take an introspective look at ourselves. It can be a tough time for some if not most. From Samhain to Yule... it's a time outside of a time... Samhain is our year end, new year's eve for all intents and purposes... Yule is our first day of the new year... the day the sun is born again. The time in between is considered the dark times. Generally I just try to hibernate a whole lot then. Easier to look at yourself when you're not conscience. *chuckles*

So as the Dark Times approach and the dealing with a family member passing on... I'm feeling not quite right tonight...

So tonight I went digging through my email, as I get some of the best emails... ones that make you laugh or cry or d'aww or some other mooshy emotion... there is one I go back to quite a bit... it's from my Bing... he sent me a beautifully personal email to me on Mother's Day... every time I read it, it just makes me want to hug him...

It made me smile a little tonight... I'd thank him for giving me such a precious gift but he'd probably wave it off or call me silly or some such...

I miss you terribly Bing and I can't wait til you come home.

I'm supposed to be in bed right now... you know since it is 5 am... *sighs*

I just don't see the point of laying in bed staring at the ceiling...

enh I'm jumbled again ...

Fill Up A Drink... Mazeltov!

Sorry I didn't post there for a couple of days... the forum was a really hectic place... especially for a newb like me... it was my first forum and I tell you I'm not used to that many Lions in one place... at our convention we get maybe 6 or 7 hundred lions... there was over 2900 lions from all over the world at the forum... mostly from North America but we had directors and such that flew in from their respective countries...

So Thursday morning we went on a tour with two bus loads of Lions to Graceland... Now I'm not a huge Elvis fan... I appreciate what he did for music and I like his music but have never felt the need to go to his house. But when in Rome... as they say... So I went and roamed around the complex and the mansion grounds with all the other people who were wearing headsets and listening to a tour guide via the headset... coming out of the raquet ball building and seeing the beautiful meditation garden and the pool, you come around and there is Elvis' grave. The tour goes on to tell you that after Elvis died and was buried next to his mother in the cemetary, Vernon (his father) went and got permission to transport Elvis', Gladys' and Mae's bodies from the cemetary to the Graceland property so that no one could defile the graves in any way.

I stood there and looked around the grounds and then back down at the grave site and almost started to cry. It wasn't that I was sad that he was dead, he has been since before I was actually born. Anyway... Yeah I'm a big sap and got choked up at the grave side of the King of Rock n' Roll...

This is me with one of his many cars... I looooove the colour it was gorgeous... I totally wanted to take it home...

This is me (obviously) in front of an airbrushed picture down on Beale St on Friday night. It was fantastic down there!! I loved snooping around in Tater Red's and listening to all the music... watching the people... and seeing all the sights... I'd definitely go back when I could go in and sit at the bars and listen to the music... I didn't go into BB King's but stood outside and listened in.

This was actually just before heading down to Beale St but enh... This impersonators name was Danny, and he and his family used to live behind Graceland when he was a young boy. Elvis had been friends with his older brothers and they would go over to ride around the grounds with Elvis and his golf carts sometimes. So now he impersonates him, and actually he's not too shabby either. Helps that he already has the Memphis accent down pat ;)

I'm sitting here in Ohio again I'll show ya the ground we covered today in just a moment...

all I have to say is it was a looooong ass day today in the van heading eastward again...

we've been discussing going to the next two forums... next years would be cheaper to go to... but the year afters would be waaaaay cooler to go to...

Next years is in Milwaukee WI and the year after is in Anchorage AK... so we'll see how that goes...

Ok here's the ground we covered today...

Doesn't look very far but it's 673 miles in 12 1/2 hrs...

View Larger Map

but I miss my boys and my men... and I'm so ready to be home now...

love to Bing and the man...

I Forgot To Say Out Loud How Beautiful You Really Are To Me

Today seemed like such a long day...

Then ya look at the map of the ground we covered... Yeah... Long day.

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Dixie Stampede in Pigeon Forge.

Parthenon in Nashville.

Me and Sugar @ Sugar's Roadhouse in Mt Pleasant.

Me and Luke (the driver of our pink stretch limo), he drove us over to Marlowe's for some kick ass food, in Memphis.

Tomorrow we head to Graceland and then the Forum starts in the afternoon... so the Lions portion of the trip starts... post more tomorrow.

...Many Captive Chimps Are Treated Like People... (some show in the background)

Yesterday's trip...

View Larger Map

Today's Trip...

View Larger Map

Tired and sitting in a hotel lobby in order to use internet...

Post more tomorrow... maybe even some pictures...

I'm Gonna Muster Every Ounce Of Confidence I Have...

Oh...man...

That's what this state should be called instead of Ohio.

Got into Ohio to where we were going last night and found the house of the people we were staying the night with.

They weren't home.

So we waited on their porch for three hours for them to get here. Just before they got home we ordered pizza from a nearby Domino's that we found online that delivered.

Because you know I got bored prayed and pulled out the laptop to find that they have an unsecured wireless network.... niiiice.

Got in touch with the man and the kidlet to say that we got here. Ordered the pizza online for delivery, and waited.

When she got home she felt bad that we had waited so long and that we ended up ordering pizza to be delivered to their porch.

They were nice enough people, we'll be seeing them again on Sunday when we're coming back through to go home again.

We made pretty good time coming down too. We were over the border at 8am and getting here to their porch at about 2:45ish. that's with stopping for an hour for lunch.

covered about 500 miles.

So we're leaving this morning and heading through West By God Virginia and will just catch Virginia as we deke into Tennessee from the east.

I just finished having the worst shower in the world... water pressure was going in and out and the temperature was going back and forth... I have long semi thick hair and man it was hard to rinse out conditioner with water that felt like a tepid rain shower.

I got to curl up in bed last night and nearly fall asleep on the man... get this... at 10 o'clock. *laughs*

I was so tired from not getting any sleep the day before that I was falling asleep at like 9.

so I retired into the bedroom and skyped him and chatted with him til I nearly passed out. Got out the ipod and listened to probably two songs before falling asleep before 10:30... Yeah how often you hear me telling you that...?

So I didn't get to talk to my Bing last night, that made me a bit sad. But the man kept me company and even got a front row seat to most everything we did via webcam. Even got to wave at the kidlet and show him the view from the porch which btw is a pretty great view if you want to live in the middle of no where surrounded by hills and trees.

Saw some deer munching away on some grass and got to listen to some angry locusts... now that's an interesting sound. It got all real quiet on the porch and then came this sound... reminded me of Deliverance or something...

Anyway... so that was pretty much the first day of the trip... tonight y'all get to hear about the dinner show we're going to and the trials and tribulations of getting there.

oh yeah.. and happy birthday too me... *twirls finger in a whoop dee doo fashion*

I love you my guys.

post soon to those who still actually read this.

oh yeah and freaked me out when I went to Google and it was actually Google.com and not .ca :P

I Love You Oh So Well Enough to Fill Up Heaven Overflow and Fill Hell

I'm supposed to be in bed right now...

I'm leaving here in about 4 hours to go on a road trip down to Memphis TN where I'm going to a conference...

You can see how tired I am right? *chuckles*

I figured since my last post was way back on the 26th of Aug I should probably up date what's happened since.

Bing made it here on the 26th... we ended up having to wait for his fllight to get in... but I tell ya waaaay worth the wait...

He was everything I expected and more... he and I spent the first few days alone which was so uber cool of the man... After the kids and the man got home we all hung out and went to different sites and what not... apparently we did too much because like Murphy's law states and all that... I got really sick... I mean really really sick... however... I have to say that I had the best two men looking after me that anyone could ever have... even though he was sick as well Bing was still trying to get up and do and get stuff for me... the man slept in a different room so that he didn't get as sick as we did... the kidlet even missed two days in the first week of school because he had gotten it as well...

Well I ended up in the hospital the friday that I was supposed to go to the YAMS Womens Weekend... yeah that totally sucked... so ended up in bed for the weekend instead... *sighs* I was really not happy about missing the first womens weekend in over 5 years...

Then even worse... Bing went home... *sighs* I really didn't want him too...

He didn't want to either which was nice to know... guess that means that we're not half bad... he'll be back... and I'm hoping that after he comes back he still thinks we're not half bad... we've been (the three of us) talking about having Bing move in...

I'd really like that... you have no idea how much I would love that...

I love the man... no one on the face of this big ball we live on understands me like he does... and I can't imagine my life without him...

I really should be getting some sleep but I'm so really not enthused about going to TN... I mean it's 3 am and I still haven't finished packing my bags.

Wish me luck...

I love and miss you both.

You said always and forever
Now I believe you baby
You said always and forever
Is such a long and lonely time

At Worst I Feel Bad For Awhile...

*takes a deep breath*

After a rocky start yesterday afternoon... and hours of worrying, fretting, refiguring... I can now say that Bing is in transit!!

I have never in my life had such a brain fart... after looking at all flight details... or at least I thought all the details... it was soon pointed out that the flights we believed he was supposed to be on today... were actually yesterday... neither one of us even remotely realized it... until he got the cancellation email...

*hangs head* I have NO idea how both of us missed that little (read: HUGE) detail...

But now he is on his way and hopefully somewhere on his way to North Carolina for his final layover before Buffalo...

What really sucks is I woke to find a note from the construction crew down the street saying we'd be without water for pretty much the entire day today...

I'm craving soup :(

Also woke up from the weirdest dream... had people in it that I haven't spoken to in a while... made me sad... Squasha ended up with some head trauma, I had to beat up a woman with a golf club, dinner was odd, I can't even begin to explain how weird it was... left me with a bit of an uneasy feeling...

bah too distracted to finish this one...

Strong Independent Pagan Woman Singing

Ok so I haven't said anything for awhile because I was going to end up gushing at you or ranting...

So now I'm good... I'm gushing good but... I'll try not to get any on you...

So...

Our fusebox went on the fritz, we're not the type to complain overly so we figured we'd wait and we made due because it was only affecting the ceiling lights in the kitchen and living room. About two weeks later suddenly there's no hot water coming out of the tap in the kitchen. Of course I'm poor and generally broke so my first thought was to my gas bill... called the man, when he got home he checked and the gas was still on. (Yeah I know horrible that we wouldn't know something like that) Anyway, so the man heads into the basement and hears a 'pssssh' sound as he nears the water tank. There was water all over that corner of the basement and the 'psssh' was actually coming from the tank itself. It had a leak inside that had put out the pilot light. So the man and I strong armed the tap on the tank and got the water to stop leaking out all over the floor.

So with this we did call the landlords. Who got the gas company out the next day to look at the water tank. And they had a electrician coming out the day after to put in a breaker box where the fusebox was.

So this is on a Friday. Next day, Saturday, gas co comes out and looks. 'Sorry can't replace the tank there's no liner in your chimney, have to have one it's illegal not too. We can get someone out on Monday.'

Well thank goodness we were going out of town for the weekend. (which we had an awesome time reconnecting with a bunch of people we missed).

So on Sunday the landlord/lady came out and got the electrician to come and do the box.

We came home Sunday night to lights!! yay!

Found out that the gas company was coming out on Tuesday... and yay! I woke up to hot water and took a most needed shower.

So yay! to hot water and lights! and neither having to do with bills!

So then a couple of days later go to call the cable company and arrange to make a payment, and the phone wasn't working. Ok looked at the bill. We had a few days before having to make the much needed payment... nope ends up they just decided to turn it off before the deadline. *le sigh*

So it's been really peaceful around the house... *laughs*

My dollar this month is gonna be stretched to the limit I dare say... but it's all good... we take it all in stride now... can't afford for me to have a heart attack...

So phone should be back tomorrow or day after... not that anyone who reads this actually calls *laughs*

I say so a lot.

Anyway... few more days until my visitor from Cali, totally stoked. Everyone here is. Three whole weeks... nice long visit.

Kids go back to school on the 8th!! Yay!!

Also coming up... YAMS Womens Weekend (You Are My Sister)... I'll be gone to that for the weekend of the 11-13 of Sept.

I come back from that and Bing goes back to Cali on the 16th... :(

Then I leave on the 20th to go down to Tennessee until the 29th.

There's other picnics, bbq's and girls nights and stuff like that in there as well but those are the three main things that have my September busy...

I know, you're wondering 'how is she going to Tennessee for 9 days if she's so broke?!' Well if you're friend enough to me to have me on a msg system ask me there. Other then that, none of your bees wax!

*laughs and sings...*

I'm late... I'm late... for a very important date... no time for Hello ~ Goodbye... I'm late... I'm late... I'm late...

toodles!

And the Northern girls, with the way they kiss...

So I noted how it was odd about the whole me craving fish when I don't really like already right...?

Well I've now cleaned/eaten the house of all it's fish products that I've bought lately.

So it was I think maybe three or four days ago when I last had some... and of course the cravings still haven't gone away... except now... my brain is playing tricks on me...

I can smell fish in the house... not so much like 'ew dead rotting stinky fish' ...

As I described it to the man... you know the smell of the ocean... how it's that salty fresh breeze that comes off the water that has that live fish smell to it and the warm smell the sand gets... it's not obscene but just faint... yeah... I'm totally smelling the ocean in my house...

(no I haven't bought any new air freshners or anything like that...)

So.. I've gone from just craving fish to smelling the ocean in my house... oh and the last two days I've been singing beach boys songs... I think I'm slowly going insane...

So.... yeah.... any ideas?

Youll Catch Your Death In The Fog...

I'm so sore...

did a bunch of running around yesterday and on the way home was sitting at a stoplight waiting for the light to change... and then there was a bang... a truck hit us in the back end of my friends car...

now it was only a light bump but it was enough of a jar to my system that I'm now really sore today...

thankfully the boychild was fine... I swear kids are made out of boogers and rubber... and my friend who was driving was fine as well... and that makes me happy to know that they're both alright...

The man went with her this morning to take the boychild to his day camp... I was so thankful... especially since besides being in pain... I had been up til 6 in the morning... :)

I'm getting excited... I'm going back to my old stomping grounds this weekend... going to hang out with my Aunt and Uncle... I haven't done that in a long long time... so hoping we all have some fun...

meanwhile... the last four days or so I've been craving fish... which I find odd. Normally I don't like fish very much... and I take an omega 3 supplement that would cure almost any fish craving I swear... *shrugs* I dunno it's strange... normally I'm a growling and snarling carnivore looking for red meat... *chuckles*

Fear Is Not The End Of This!

So....

I have so much to say... all sorts of things I would love to have spew forth... so I could tell 'somebody'... but.. no.

Yeah I know that's why I started this blog in the first place was to spew all my shit... good and bad...

this is of the good variety... it makes me very squee...

I always feel a bit out of sorts when I'm really happy about something and then hear something that upsets me... I feel torn about whether I should be happy or whether I should be upset... especially when it's coming from the same person...

This past weekend was a great weekend for me... I got away a bit... concert... movies... picnic...

All in different cities but... it was good... it was a weekend of friends... some of which I was absolutely tickled pink to see...

What I noticed about myself this weekend was that depending on who I'm with depends on how I'm acting... I mean I'm myself but in just very different ways...

I guess we all do it see how the others are around us and act accordingly... I couldn't do on Saturday what I was doing on Sunday... may have totally weirded out the person I was with on Saturday...

if I was like I was on Friday with the people on Sunday they woulda wondered what happened and what was wrong with me...

as a person who finds people facsinating I like to sit back and analyze shit like that...

I started to wonder who all it was that got to see the real me I am when I'm just me... unguarded... no shit... no filters... None that I was with this past weekend has... except the man.

The man has seen into all the dark corners of my mind and still loves me... but I can't really afford for anyone else to get that close... not until I know they won't jump to conclusions or flip out...

Ain't About What's Waiting On The Other Side...

It's sort of funny how the littlest thing can put things into prospective...

Sitting here reading about how a friend has gotten yet another ticket and how of course this 5th or 6th can't possibly be his fault. I mean he was only driving the car right?

I have to shake my head at him because really after getting six tickets in the last two months, how can he possibly blame everything and everyone else for them. They all happened while he was driving the car. There's one common thread running through there and it would seem he is it. However, no matter how much he wonders 'why him?' he's never going to figure out it's because he hasn't changed his behaviour.

What's even funnier is that since he's decided to put it out there on his facebook, people have been commenting of course. We all know that we love to make comments about other peoples lives when they go ahead and put theirs out there. So he's gotten angry about the comments. *chuckles*

He's gotten upset enough to change his facebook status to how people are so judgemental and how dare those that are commenting comment about his situation when they weren't there.

Well really when you think about it, he secretly must want those comments...right? why else would he put himself out there like that? it couldn't possibly be because he was looking for some sympathy from his friends... could it?

I mean really now...

So it makes you wonder, we do we, the bloggers of the world, the status updaters of the world... why do we put our lives out there? even the small fraction of our lives that we choose to reveal. Why do we do it?

Do we secretly want others to make snide back handed degrading uneducated ignorant comments about us? Is it because we have this need to share with others?

Is it because secretly we want our lives to amount to more then they feel they do?

So many questions...

Maybe... just maybe... we're computer geeks who instead of keeping a diary under our pillows feel more comfortable typing posts to ourselves and whoever else may pop by to see if our lives are any more interesting then their own...

Anyway... there's my deep thought for the morning...

I have a doctor's appointment again today and as you can see if you're reading this I can't sleep... I think I can't sleep for two reasons... the statement above... and because I'm so excited because Bing is going to come for a visit... I love visits! (oh and of course Squasha is coming to Toronto, but unfortunately I'm not excited about that as I won't get to see him at all this time... again.)

So I've started and need to quit smoking again... it's making feel yucky.

I need to tidy up the spare room and straighten out my bedroom...

*sighs* I also was out weeding the garden the other evening... apparently that is not what my heart had in mind for a fun activity... I had an episode so bad that I nearly fell over in the garden... I made my way over to the picnic table... where I looked back toward the house and it seemed like 5 miles away... after a few moments of it not passing I found the will to make it to te back patio... where I slumped into my old computer chair... I tossed a couple of pebbles at the bay window hoping that someone would come out to wonder what was going on... the man did after the second pebble... took one look at me and went back in for my ice pack and brought me and small handful of freezies... it took almost 5 minutes before I could even feel the ice pack normally on my skin... it was not pleasant...

It didn't last long not like they used too but it hit me like a train... normally I feel it sneak up on me...

Anyway... enough of that... three hours til I'm supposed to get up for my doctors appointment... :-S

I Love, How, I Love Love...

You are a deep, sensitive dreamer.

You are usually laid back and calm, though, like an ocean, you can kick up a good storm, too!

You are probably a daydreamer, who has his/her head in the clouds. You love spending time with your friends, and probably just go with whatever they want to do (you're a go with the flow type of person, just like water!).

You are emotionally inclined - unlike reds, who feel passionately and intensely, you feel things deeply and strongly.

You are extremely loyal, and your friends can always count on you to be there for them.

Blues are almost always very intelligent, and they strive for perfection in many areas.

You may tend to beat yourself up for your imperfections. Other people admire you and strive to be like you, but you probably have a hard time understanding why.

You can be light and fun at times, and other times deep and introverted. It just depends on your mood.

Sometimes you throw people off with your random changes in disposition, but your friends love you anyways. You can be a very wise, intellectual person, but you have to pull yourself up out of your own thoughts first!

You, in a nutshell: Deep, emotional, wise, loyal, slightly moody, feeling, sensitive, supportive, intelligent. BLUE!

So I took some online quiz and this was the answer too it afterward... it was telling me what colour I am... and frankly after reading it I had to nod and say 'wow... that really does sound like me...'

Maybe a bit too much... but anyway... not why I came back to post... but just wanted to share...

While my movie is loading I figured I'd come back and talk a bit about what I was saying earlier...

So a friend of mine the other day in a drunken haze says to me... "If a handsome man, came to you and promised you the world... everything you've ever desired and told you that you'd never have to worry about anything ever again... would you leave Ry?" I without hesitation replied with... "No..."

She followed it up with same everything above and added onto it "and the only stipulation is you have to leave Ry... would you?"

and again without hesitation I said "No..."

She just looked at me through her beer goggles for a few moments and nodded... telling me that what Ry and I have is something very special...

I reminded her and told the story of how it hasn't always been story book perfect for the two of us...

So of course after telling her some of the stuff that happened, she asked me the real question that was on her pickled brain... "why would you want to mess with that?" of course I looked to her to elaborate a bit further... She knows that we're polyamorous... and that's what she had been asking about...

If the man and I are so good together then why would we 'mess' around with that...

This is where I proceeded to tell her that... no matter how much I love him and how wonderful we are together and how I could never live without him... there's something missing... there's still a part of me that is missing... and I know that there is someone else I'm to be with... I should say we're to be with... and not in that dirty naughty sexual way... though that would be fun too...

There have been a lot of people who know that I'm bi... and have been quite alright with it... frankly it's the whole... what happens in my bedroom stays there and is none of your concern when it comes to my family... but then I got to thinking if we end up having someone come and live with us would it be so easy to just tell them its none of their business... especially when we rely so much on them and them on us... and that's when I realized they'd have to deal with it...

I have found my missing piece... with finding it though there has been some obstacles and some learning of patience on my part... when I talk to them I feel whole... and I feel together and ... well it just feels right... and what's so great about it is the man knows, understands, and accepts it... he's willing to open our home to this person... and already likes them... has offered to help in whatever way possible to bring them here...

I didn't realize just what the affect this would have on me... I'm practically giddy when I get to talk to them... I've been having dreams of our family being all together and doing things together...

I know that when it happens there will be people who don't understand and in not understanding will be angry... or think differently of all of us... and we're prepared for that... but in my heart of hearts I hope that even if they don't understand that they won't turn their backs on us...

It's funny that I got into a conversation similar to this one again today... when a friend of mine asked me to explain how it's possible to love two people... I asked him to explain how you love one... *chuckles* he believes that you can only have one soulmate, and can only be fated to love one person... I say bollocks... how about all those people out there that after their spouse dies they get remarried... what happens if you happen to find the two people you are to fall in love with in the same life time... it's really not so odd...

I'm in love with two people... have been for awhile... it's not even the first time it's happen... but it's the first time that I feel as I do about them... I could never live without the man in my life... and he knows just how much and how deeply I love him... he also knows that this love feels as if it will end up being the same that I have with him over time...

When you've gone so long thinking that you'll never find that missing piece to fill the void that you can feel all the way to your soul... it... it just... yeah I can't even describe the feeling I get... the highs are high... but the lows are so dreadfully low... when you've felt whole... and then watched and felt it start to slip away... it hurts like hell... the ache starts to become unbearable... the feeling of dread won't subside... until doubt and worry start to cloud everything... it feels like drowning... and it takes everything to just stay above the water line... but the highs of it all make those dark moments almost bearable... hearing their voice... getting a message or a word...

Te amo ... <3

Now Holidays Come And Then They Go

Happy 4th kids... well that's to any and all Americans who happen to read my drivel...

One of my favourite trick questions is 'Do they have 4th of July in England?'

I'm supposed to be outside tidying up the yard right now... or in here tidying up the living room... see how much I've gotten accomplished... I rolled out of bed finally after getting a phone call at like 1:30 this afternoon... I came out to find the boys (all three of them) watching Star Wars... the fish tank light was off and Jasper was peeping at me... which means that the fish and bird hadn't been fed yet... all the males were just lounging around on the couches staring at the tv... *shakes head* and people wonder why we don't have television services...

So of course big bad mom had to tell them to get the fuck up and do the shit they're supposed to be doing... and ask why I didn't get woken up... that's a huge fault of mine... when I get to sleep I never want to wake up... I need to be woken up...

So now I'm cooking a huge ham in the oven... it's smelling wonderful... hopefully it'll be ready in time for dinner... seriously it's the size of the boychild... so after dinner we're all heading down to my old stomping grounds... down to Fort Erie... the friendship festival has been going on down there... tonight is one of the last concerts... I'm not expecting anything spectacular... but... yeah...

So we're having some friends over for a barbeque tomorrow... I'm hoping the weather co-operates... and I'm hoping that everyone is able to make it... not like I invited a whole bunch of people... but yeah...

I'm excited... next weekend is the PigRoast that we go to every year out in Chatham at my cousins place (well actually 2nd cousin but ya know... it's all family)... anyway... we head out there with tents and musical instruments... we all bring something to share food wise... there's at least 100 people there each year... and at least half of those are family... looks like my Ma won't be going this year... so we'll be going up with just the five of us... wish it was six... but... I'm trying not to dwell on that...

Anyway... tonnes o' fun coming our way this month... we're also hoping to go camping the last weekend of the month... whether it's with friends or without... I was gonna talk to Ma and see what's what... see if she's going any where or what not...

I know the tall ships and Canal Days down in Port Colborne are coming up as well... talked to Krammit about using her house and maybe just chilling down there... she'll be at a lacrosse tourny...

Also have to deal with the fact that both the kids have week long summer camps coming up... on different weeks... and yeah... I have to figure out how to get them there... that's always nice...

my ham is smelling absolutely wonderful... just thought I'd add that in there...

I have more to say... but I might wait til later to bring it up... it's about a conversation I had with a friend of mine about... well... about... yeah it was a weird conversation - talked about loneliness and togetherness... and the most basic urges of people... and love...

always talking about love...

I can't help it... I love love... and how it effects and affects people... I'm a student of the people... *laughs*

probably why I am so drawn to Psychology Courses...

Oh which brings me to another conversation I had recently... talking with another psychology student and PSW... about opening up an office of counsellors... interesting stuff...

Need to check on a few things outside...

wow... it's feckin' hot out there today...

so I'll tidy up outside a little later when the sun has dipped down a bit...

Anyway... I'll write again later about some more deep-ish stuff...

I Know That You've Got Something Buried...

So... here I sit... Canada Day has just finished... what an interesting day it's been...

I was laying in bed sleeping this morning... and the phone kept ringing... so I finally got up and answered it and found out that my sister was going to check out the free buffet that the Mandarin was putting on for Canada Day... so she was thinking she'd come pick me and the boychild up and go to the one here in the city...

So we head over there just after noon... the line was literally around the plaza where the restaurant is... we weren't that hungry that we were going to wait over three hours for food... so she took us to the North China Buffet and bought us some lunch...

Made a couple of other stops before going to get the man from work and heading into Niagara Falls... decided to on a whim go check the line up at the Mandarin there to see if it was just as bad... (four hours after checking the on in St Catharines)... it wasn't quite as long but was still pretty bad... and of course... took pics of it...





Ended up at my mom's place and had a nice dinner there with the fam... came home to a phone call from a friend of mine who decided to tell me about his day and how it went...

After that I decided to sit down and do up a post since I hadn't in a little while...

not that anyone really reads it anymore but I guess I can start using it as an outlet again for all the stuff I'd like to say but don't want to bother people with...

I've generally been a very private person... except for here... and after the last couple of times it takes me awhile to really open up to people... and I think I've done it again... made the mistake of opening up and allowing myself to get hurt... I can't say for sure as they haven't come right out and said it... but then again they haven't really come right out and said anything to me lately...

I know that I can be impatient... and I know that I can be a bit ... whatever...

but anyway... yeah... I'm just not in a good head space at the moment... so... I think I'm just gonna withdraw and wait... wait for them... I've been feeling exposed and out there and I'm not comfortable with it now... because I start thinking weird shit... like 'oh god did I say too much'... 'did I do something stupid'... 'did I push too far'...
when you've found a good thing you try to hang on to it... you try to do anything to keep it... you do whatever you humanly can...
at least that's what I've always thought... but now... I'm thinking that I should just stop...it's obvious that I was wrong about this... that i shouldn't have started any of this... I should've known it wouldn't go in my favour... it's just my luck...

I was just hoping for once... that just maybe... it would...

*sighs*

I know that anyone who actually reads this isn't going to know wtf I'm talking about... but that's only because I've kept this to myself... and told them all my fears and hopes and all that other shit... *sighs*
like I said... I should have just kept it to myself...

So I've turned off my messengers... I've actually closed my email... I've logged off the Mu*... and now... I just try to forget... hard when there's a reminder in my living room... hard when my thoughts turn that way when ever they're idle... hard when I've let them in totally and completely...

I'm sad... my heart hurts... aches really... I really thought this was it...

now if only I could get my dreams to stop...

if only...

*sighs*

Hope you had a Happy Canada Day...

Congratulations Sasha... hope you the best...