Snippets of Moments

In those moments...short in comparison of all the moments spent apart...in those short moments I can see it in your eyes...when looking at me...in the way your fingers make their  way across my skin...your hands glide across the span of my body...as our bodies get more entwined...pressing closer together...

As you then look down at me...it's the only time you seem to really look at me...
In those  moments we're together by ourselves in the quiet of the room...the only noises are those we make...the results from our explorations of each other...

It's these snippets of time that I see something I so wish I could see  all the time...

A glimpse past the and over the wall...the barricade that is up all the time... I peek at the softness...the creamy nougat if you will...

I get to feel your energy change and the intensity of which it flows from you...
The part of you that I would bet that only one perhaps two others have ever seen...

It's that part that mirrors what I feel all the time. It mirrors and reflects...

In those moments we are so in sync those moments are when forever lasts but one second.

You broke me.

You broke me and changed the way I see things. You changed the way I wanted things.

I can't tell you.
If I did you'd run again.

I don't runaway, I try to save myself from saying things that you don't want to hear.
I save myself from hearing you say cruel things...I save myself from feeling unwelcome and uncertainties.

We don't know what you want.

When things are good they are so so very good.
When things were bad...they were horribly cruel and spiteful.

I don't feel wanted until those moments...those tiny moments where you hold me close and kiss me deeply.
And make me feel like you do love.

Sorry to Suck, Swallow and Run...But...

Doing something today that I haven't done in a long time, taking time out of my day to sit down and write up a proper blog post. It seems like since the beginning of the year I haven't really sat down and typed out the stuff that rolls around in my head. I know why part of that is and I may finally touch on that today. The long of it is...this is likely to be a pretty long blog  post that goes a bit everywhere.

Not even sure where to start...

Been taking a more proactive stance when it comes to derby. Trying to do what I can to keep the forward momentum with the league going. Offering suggestions and help when and where I can to different people and committees. So far since the restructuring people seem very open to it. Let's hope it keeps going that way. I have had a couple of issues with  a couple of the refs who seem to be on a power trip of sorts but hopefully that's getting sorted out.
Our next round of games starts again in September...as does the next set of FM training. So that means more intake sessions. Hopefully switching up the format for that...wish me luck.

A couple of weeks ago I told the Man that I missed seeing #DD every day...then #DD called me and asked me about coming back to the farm for cherry sorting.
I love #DD, one of my best guy friends like ever...oddly enough since I don't tend to get too close with dudes until I've slept with them.
I love seeing him every day he's one of those people with the energy that just makes me want to hug them every time I'm near them. Odd reaction but there's a few people like that in my life.
Anyway... I love seeing him every day even though it's not for hangouts...but I dislike the job. I mean I hate anything that is 'work', that's why if I've said it once I've said it a million times, I wasn't built for working...I was built for being a housewife and a porn star.
There are several times a day after noon that I picture myself just walking out and going home...or just killing myself.
There's a couple things that I'm holding onto that stop me from walking out or offing myself... I love #DD and either of those would likely hurt him...I want a new tattoo... and I want to go on a vacation...
If I don't have goals...amirite?

Burton came home for two weeks... it was too short.
I understand that she enjoys being out in Cali and that she now calls that home but she doesn't understand that the reason why she's always so busy when she's back here in Canada is because everyone loves her and they want to soak up as much of her as they possibly can. We all miss her so very much while she's gone and our smiles are all just a tiny bit dimmer for her being gone.
It may bother her a bit when we (her friends and family) talk about wanting her to come back and stay here. There's hardly any jobs here, the weather fucking sucks and is either too hot or too cold, and she feels like a failure at times because of her marriage failing... and yeah all of that stuff sucks. However... she makes everyones life a little brighter, a little bit happier and just that little bit better.
It's why she has so many friends where ever she is... and her Cali friends may have missed her SOOOOOO much while she was gone...but they get her so much more than we do.
I did get to spend quite a bit of time with her and for that I'm grateful. I love Burton. She is my wifey after all.

 Pinky and I have been going to the gym together for a couple of months now (we've even made up names for the regulars, but then we had to switch our schedule and there's not as many regulars we're finding in the evenings as there was in the mornings so we're having to come up with new names for people)...I'm not exactly content with any of my results. I've been going up and down with the same five pounds and it's frustrating the fuck out of me. Trying to clock in harder now though. Last night someone lit a fire under my ass. Out of no where I was on the treadmill doing what was suppose to be our cool down after our leg day work out (which I levelled up at all the machines), I started running. I ran for a minute straight at 4mph, then after a couple of minutes of walking at 2mph again I started to run this time at 4.5 mph, then back down to 2 mph...after a couple more minutes was running at 5 mph...and then for the very last minute before the 5 minute cool down I was running at 5.5 mph.

Anyone who knows me knows that I do not run....like ever. Mainly because I don't breathe properly, I dislike the feel of my fat jiggling while I run and I'm always concerned about my boobs and how much they bounce even in a sports bra.
But fuck it... I work out so that I can feel better...and one day I will look great naked...too myself. I put that clarifier in there because I've had people tell me that I look good naked... I just give them the stop trying to placate me look.
In the vein of working out...I wiggled my way into Burton and her big brothers weight loss challenge...have from a week ago to December to lose as much weight as I can.
My ideal goal is to be a very fit 170 to 175 pounds in the end.

I decided to 'Adult-up' (rather than man up) and used some funds that came in on fixing up my car rather than just blowing it on other shit.  I mean I did take the Boychild out for a breakfast just the two of us and splurged and bought a bunch of crap for our Borderlands 2 day and I bought dinner for Sugarbear and I. Other than that though...it mostly stayed in my account so that I could get the car fixed.
And today my car got her bum fixed. She no longer clunkclunks over bumps and potholes... her upper strut/shock mounts needed to be replaced. She sounds good now. There's a couple of other things that the lovely mechanic has said she needs but for now she is good, this makes me a happy camper. The brakes didn't need to be done like we had thought and it wasn't that the shocks and struts needed to be done...just the mounts. So we saved a bunch of money on all of that. The mount replacement even came in under the quoted price.

Ok so since I finally mentioned him in the last paragraph...here goes some rewinding in regards to Sugarbear (SB).
In March he lost both matriarchal and patriarchal figures of his family. However things had been over with us before that... we had gotten to this boyfriend/girlfriend point of our relationship and it seemed unwanted after the new year. Couple of fights in February where he told me straight out that I was nothing but a 'fling and a fuck' and that there was no fucking way that I would ever be meeting his children and that he would never ever love me.
Thinking (and maybe hoping) that it was because of the stress he was under with his parents both being ill and not seeming to find any resolution to his mothers illness.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt but pretty much was like ok no more exclusivity since I am not wanted in the capacity I was being put into.
We continued to stay in touch while he drove back and forth to St Catharines, Sudbury, and Angus. I would tell him that I love him, accidentally one day on the phone he said it back, he then got flustered and just hung up quickly after saying bye. I knew he meant nothing by it though, it was out of habit from all the family he had been talking on the phone, no doubt.
After the passing of his mum I tried to be there for him for whatever it was he needed. He even reached out the day his father passed and sent me a few messages asking me to call him, when I did that's when I found out about his dad.
(I was very confused as to why he didn't just send me a message to tell me about his passing like he had with his mum, but I wasn't about to question him about that especially not on the phone. I've since had a friend tell me that I may have become a touchstone for SB. Possible but he is such a hard man to figure out at times.)
When he had taken a week at home I had grown concerned about his well being (obviously!) especially when I found out that he hadn't been eating properly, was drunk in the middle of the day and not sleeping more then a few minutes to an hour at any given time.
And it was just before his birthday...
He didn't take to kindly to my trying to be helpful or supportive... at the end of the week he lashed out and yelled at me for doing the dishes, for buying him a birthday present, insinuated that I was untrustworthy and demanded his house key back.
I understand lashing out in anger (especially whilst grieving). What I think hurt the most from that encounter on the 28th of March was the insinuation that I was some how untrustworthy, a sneak or that I would some how damage his house.
I got it that he doesn't love me, I got that he doesn't want to 'be with me', I got that he needed time to himself to adjust to having to now take care of everything and everyone in his family, I even got that when hurting sometimes some people don't want anyone around them for awhile..what I didn't get was how he could accuse me of being untrustworthy, I never gave him any cause to think I would do anything untoward. I was hurt and confused and angry (oh so very angry) that someone that I trusted with all of me would think so little of me.

After that happened I had asked him if he could put out on his front porch the presents for the Boychild that I had been hiding at his place, he did...he also bagged up all the stuff I had in his bathroom (he use to let me take baths at his place to help my joints and back after derby and even when I was working last season because I don't have a tub that works properly). I'm not sure why that hurt so bad but it did, it seemed like he didn't want me in his life anymore. I was so very sad.

I didn't see him again until almost mid May... I let him know that I had missed him as my friend. I missed hanging out with him on the deck and listening to tunes. Yeah sure I missed the awesome sex as well but I really missed talking with him. His response was just a very quiet 'I just said I needed some time and space.' which I found interesting since he had been telling our friends that 'it's over' with the two of us. Which wasn't false, just he was a bit behind when I had been telling others that already. I wasn't confused about whether or not we were still 'together', I had been confused as to which level of friendship we would be at now (at that point).
The one year from our first date was like the celebration of a great year we had had together and the end of it.
The universe then said 'oh yeah you guys had a great time quietly hanging out together, having all kinds of awesome sex, fun times, and parties for the last year...well try this on for size now.'

I will always have love in my heart for Sugarbear, as I do with all my friends.However, he called me untrustworthy, creepy, unlovable, and nothing but a 'fling and a fuck'. Even in your darkest hour you don't shit on your loved ones like that.

It's in that moment that every you're amazing, awesome, beautiful, great, sexy and so forth is just wiped away in one foul swoop.
I once asked him while laying in bed together how he knew that I loved him, his answer was 'Because you put up with all of my shit.'
It's been quite a journey for our friendship this past 7 months. I'm very happy to report that we've been hanging out again, have had a few meals together. Gone to a few derby games together, he came to see my games this past season. It is still mainly one sided, as in I'm the one that does all the texting and inviting but...at least it's something. He is my favourite after all.

There's some people I will just keep trying with. As can be seen with Sugarbear and Bing.
There comes a time where with some I will just shrug and say I tried. I'm getting to that point with Baker. Seems I was a great person to talk to, hang out with and sometimes fuck, as long as he didn't have an online girlfriend. Suddenly he gets an online girlfriend and doesn't have time for friends like me anymore. I can't be cheeky with him anymore, or joke with him, or even go out on a movie date with him and his boychild because god forbid he might be away from his phone (or she'll be thinking that he's on a date!!).
Proved it again at sushi dinner with Burton when he spent more time on his phone, and I felt I couldn't talk to him because he had his dumb bluetooth earpiece in his ear all during the dinner.
I hope he and his online insecure girlfriend are very happy and have many virtual babies together. Yes. I am bitter.
I have very few people that I allow that close to me and feel like I've been duped when one of them just drops me like a hot stone.
Again...another time that every you're amazing, awesome, understanding, magical and one of my most trusted friends, is all just wiped away in one foul swoop.

Bing is getting married. I'm waiting for my invitation to come in the mail. I think when it comes I'll invite my sexy ass wife to go with me. Sounds like it could be lots of fun.

Amazing.... Awesome... Sexy... Incredible... Magical... Goddess-like... Unique... Fantastic... Fabulous... those are some of the words that men have used to describe me... Delicious... Divine... Tight... Drenched... Soaking... Warm... Out of this World... these some of the words (with the first set as well) that have been used by men to describe my pussy... welcome to the TMI and more graphic portion to the post...

I've had lip service from many a men...and that's not a euphemism... many have told me that I'm 'fucking amazing' when it comes to the bedroom sexxors and all the playing that goes with it...

So... why the fuck is it that I cannot get laid when I want and by whom it is I want?

Half the time I feel like I have to convince, persuade, or talk someone into having sex with me. My expectations too high...my views too narrow... my libido just so high?

For a year I was getting laid nearly 6 to 8 times per weekend..and oh my god that was the best ever...so much fun...and was so satisfying...
Now I'm getting laid on average about once a week. I'm really sexually frustrated half the time and most likely bugging the fuck out of my favourite boy with the requests for sex... the others have gone... mother issues... one lives with his mother and son (and a gf - but she's not in the house) and another just had to move his mother into his house...

Don't understand what the problem is... a woman who is apparently awesome and amazing in the sack wants to suck and fuck your cock on a regular basis with no relationship strings attached...how is this a bad thing?

*shrugs*
Maybe I'm too demanding.

Other than my extremely high libido I think I'm fairly low maintenance... I definitely don't spend $200 a week on fucking salon visits...lmao

and on that note...

I want some ice cream.

Real Post Soon...ish

What sucks worse then cravings for food you very specifically are not supposed to eat...?

Having those cravings when over a week late.

On Sunday Night I Had A Baby...

I gave birth to a beautiful tiny baby girl who weighed 6 pounds and 12 ounces. She has a cute button nose, big blue eyes and ginger coloured hair.

On Monday, I rocked with her in a rocking chair and nursed her until she fell asleep. I changed her bottom. Gave her kisses and held her as much as I could.

On Tuesday she went up to the next size for nappies and her hair had grown longer and started to turn into little ringlets at the nape of her neck.

On Wednesday I went roller-skating with her strapped tightly into a snuggly and she made little giggly sounds as she felt the wind. I held her tight and nursed her often. Her eyes have started turning from blue to green.

And every morning I wake up and she doesn't exist.

Yep...it's been an interesting week so far in dreamland...each night I have had a dream about this baby.
Gave birth to her Sunday night in a dream and each night since she's gotten a little older and I've been raising her, no idea whose baby she is, haven't given her a name, and it's always just the two of us in the dream.

Last night she seemed to be around the 2 month old mark so not exactly sure how she was making giggly noises but... yeah...

It sort of makes me want to take a nap to see if the dreams are going to keep coming or not... I figure though that after 4 nights I should write something down about them...for it is interesting that it's not a recurring dream of any sort...it's actually more episodic in nature...

And truthfully with the dark times here once again it sort of makes me wonder about messages coming through...

That's about what she looks like...

Just Breathing Through It...

I hate them.

They're young, slim, smooth and attractive. They catch the eye, make me nervous and want to throat punch someone.

I hate them. My stomach rolls when I see them, their pictures and I feel like I'm going to puke. My chest tightens and I feel myself starting to build a wall to harden so that the blow when it lands I can slough it off that it won't affect me.

I feel the venom I want to spit, the hatred bubbling up and I swallow it all back down. I feel the sneer take over and I want to lash out. I want to hurt everyone before they can hurt me. I want to gouge out their eyes.

Everything tightens up, winding tight like a spring...ready to be released at a moments notice.
I don't want to harden myself getting ready for the blow...I don't want to think that it's coming.

I'm not young any more... I've never been slim... I don't have a smooth stomach or even ass...

My jaw clenches as the tears start to prick at my eyes...my chin quivers as my breathing deepens...
I try to smile but it comes out pained.

My throat burns as I try not to cry. Is the pain in the end worth the happiness of now...

just breathing through it... when it comes... it comes...

I don't want to be invisible.

I love having impromptu Skype dates with my wifey (Burton) on a random Sunday night.
I was glad to catch up with her about her weekend last weekend when she was in Portland at a convention.
It made me step back from a blog post I was sitting down to make which probably would have been a lot of wondering and explaining...and blathering on about some other stuff (which I will likely still get to...eventually).

I miss my wife.

On Thursday I went out with Piper (haven't gone out for a while with him) he  picked me up and we went and sat in the truck out by the river in N-O-T-L out by one of the wineries.
Got caught up on life and had some happy leaf that got me semi distracted from our conversation...do believe I kept texting Sugarbear telling him how I wish he was home that night...
He tried to make a move on me... *shakes head*  gotta say 'happy leaf' makes me really fucking horny...however...not so much so that I forget my place...

I ended up working on Friday...I think it was my last shift...not sure that's all up in the air...but with the way that Farmer is going and pissing me off lately...not sad that it would be my last shift. Must admit though that I had more fun at this job then I've had at most of the others I've had.  I didn't mind packing the fruit...and the people I was working with...all truly interesting stories unto themselves. I'm glad for the experience.

Got to chit the chat with Squasha for a bit back and forth via What'sApp...he went off to Germany for Oktoberfest...nice. I seriously would love to be able to go to visit him in Switzerland...take some trips around to other places in Europe...

Oh...my pipe dreams...they are vast...lol

but any way...

The week started out great...it was my birthday and I got my way (To get a hug and a kiss from both the men I lurves on my birthday - I'm easy to please sometimes.)... I slept at Sugarbears place Sunday night (which I don't normally do) woke up with him at 4:30 in the morning...had a few minutes of snuggle time where I got a sincere yet sleepy sounding happy birthday from him before he got up to get ready for work.
I got up threw on my clothes and came home after getting some more hugs and kisses and another happy birthday from SB in the drive.
Got home...a very sleepy and yet happy dog gave me some kisses before I told him to go back to sleep and slipped into bed with The Man, who gave me a hug and wished me a happy birthday before going back to sleep...
Later in the morning... he took me for breakfast which was nice. :)

Tuesday...things went a bit wonky and I felt as though I got punched in the gut. (not going into great detail...) found Sugarbear on another social media site of sorts and noticed that on his profile it said that he was single, looking for a relationship and a couple of other things.
It made me sad at first...and then I got angry...really angry.
I felt that he had lied to me and that he was just using me.
If ever there was anything that would make me pick up shop and leave...it's lying.
I didn't and still don't care if he has the profile, the thing that bothered me was that it stated that he is looking...

I wasn't going to say anything about it until he got home on Friday and was going to discuss it with him then but...before I was leaving to go to a 'birthday skate' I just couldn't not say something.
My feelings had been hurt and I felt used, betrayed and not good enough.
We had had a conversation about the two of us not too long ago where it was a case of we were happy being together and that we wouldn't be looking for or having sex with anyone else... (sort of a big thing for me...) So to come across that I... I'm not even sure how to describe it...I just felt deflated...like all the air had been sucked out of the room for a moment.

Now yes we know that I can sometimes over react to stuff, however, I think I handled it pretty well when we were talking (via text - which btw big fucking kudos to him for starting the response with - 'I can't respond to this in text, won't get it worded correctly...' - text is a tricky fucking format when having a discussion with someone.)

So we talked it out and I thought, ok well knowing now that it bothers me I'm assuming he'll change it.
I felt much better having the reassurance there that he in fact is not looking and is quite happy in this non-relationship relationship that we seem to be in...lol (whatevs everyone calls him my boyfriend and me his girlfriend... people seem to need labels...)

Fast-forward to a couple days later (i.e. Thursday evening - after I got home from going for a smoke with Piper), I saw on my 'friend feed' that he had been active and what not while I was checking my messages. So I went over to his profile to see that we now have a mutual friend and chuckled at myself at who it was/is, and then noticed that it still said that he was/is looking for a relationship.

Didn't even get mad...got really disheartened...though didn't even really say anything about it until earlier this evening (Sunday) before I was leaving.

It bothers me. Shouldn't it?
Think what bothers me the most is the fact that by saying he's available and looking for possible relationships it tells me (even if it's not meant to convey this message) that I'm not important. I'm not good enough. He's keeping his options open in case something else comes along. I'm short term.

I've been these things. To others, I've been the weekend fling. The 'until someone better comes along'. The 'you're awesome and great but we can't be together'. The 'I love you but you're too much...'.

I've been made to feel unimportant, and the dirty little secret. I don't like it. I don't want to be that any more. Just made me feel like he's ashamed of me.

I know he doesn't love me, he's been quite up front and honest about that. There's a difference though. I'm not asking him to put anything up about the two of us being together, but to just not advertise that he's looking.

In comparison to how I used to be this is definitely not me over reacting but actually I think handling it so much better, because at least I'm saying out loud to him what bothers me and why it bothers me. Much better then clamming up and saying nothing is wrong and stewing over it for weeks and being passive aggressively bitchy...

It's the first thing that has really bothered me in the last 9 months with him. Seems so very minute of a thing and yet...

 .... meh.

Onward...

The house is coming along great for the hallowe'en party that we're throwing... Sugarbear and Myself are hosting, The Man has been awesome coming over to help me with decorating during the week...which sort of weirds Leethal out when she comes to help. I think she's still trying to wrap her head around our relationships. Last weekend, The Man came over to help Sugarbear with a
I personally love seeing the two of them together. Sure they are completely different, and yet have a few different similarities...probably how/why I love 'em both.
pool table. Then they headed to The Man's fathers house (45 mins or so away) to pick up a fridge and stove, then they moved a washer out to the road and moved the fridge and stove in... (The Man also came over in the summer-ish time to help Sugarbear build his deck) I told Leethal about the two of them working together on this stuff and she was just like 'Whaaat? I don't...what?! Really? They're alright together??'

Figured out some lighting issues thanks to Sugarbears creative thinking...so I'm feeling better about the light level in the house for the party. I'm getting really excited about how it's coming together.

Can't wait to post some pics of the finished product. I have people who can't make it to the party but they've asked if they could have a tour of the house when it's finished.

Went out with Sugarbear and The Man on Saturday, we were supposed to go see one of my favourite local bands, showed up at the place and it was packed and there was a big tent outside...didn't realize the kick off of grape and wine was going to be so big at this particular bar. So we got some drinks, listened to a few songs and then the tent portion was finished for the evening...and it was going to be impossible to get inside to the bar... so I'm hoping that we can maybe go next weekend to see them at another bar in town... 1st best part of my evening (the one that happened first) holding both of their hands whilst walking back to the car.... :)
If you want to hear about the other 'best parts of my evening' you'll have to subscribe to the R rated version...lol

....going to have to catch up in another post on another day...it's now getting on to 3:30 a.m.... I need to sleep...

One Day... I'll Figure Out How To Kill It...

Ever since I was a little girl I have had body image issues...

That is not an uncommon thing to hear someone say nowadays...

I grew up being put on diets so I could fit in my spring recital costumes for dancing...being called a lard ass or fat ass when weighing 125 lbs... It takes it's toll on you when you're put down about the way you look or your weight...
After having my first son I thought I was flawed and that the stretch marks on my thighs, breasts, stomach and hips would make me undesirable to anyone...

I met a woman who tried very hard to get it through my head that stretch marks should be thought of as 'tiger stripes' or 'badges of honour'... even now that's what I'll tell other women who self-shame themselves about theirs...even as I look in a mirror and wish that my stomach would be smooth...
It's never been flat...I always had a small ponch on my stomach...not realizing when  I was younger that it was a lot smaller in reality then it was in my imagination... looking back I'd like to go smack my younger self for thinking and believing that I was fat... I had curves and was sexy...

I still have curves and am told that I'm sexy... I find it hard to believe it though...

The Man and I have been together for 16 years... he has seen me at my smallest weight of 105 lbs and seen me at my largest of 250ish lbs... and never once has ever said anything negatively to me about my weight... and yet I still have this inner struggle...

I'll walk around in next to nothing, in only a sarong...or wear form fitting clothes...or tight jeans... now.

But even a couple of years ago I wouldn't...

I've said many times that even when I weighed my heaviest...I never 'felt' fat... I knew I was a big girl... there are men out there that love them some plus sized girls...so I would feel desired...even though I would still look in a mirror and say...but I could use to lose a couple of pounds...and always dreamed of a smooth stomach again...

I know if I eat right and get more exercise I could go back down (losing some of the weight that I gained back in the last year) again...

I've been with men who have said they enjoyed my company and told me that they think that I'm sexy...

but it had been a really long time since a man ran his hands over my naked body in a lit room and told me that I have a beautiful sexy body...

I nearly cried a little...as I said one word... 'Really?'

No matter how much I preach positive body image to other women and tell them to love themselves and take care of themselves and don't settle for a man who won't love you the way you are...

I still dislike my own and seem to find it hard to believe that someone could look past, what I think are my flaws, and love my body just the way it is...

Even now as I sit in my sports bra and a pair of jogging pants and look down at my stretch mark covered stomach... there's a small voice inside my head that says 'yeah but he was drinking that night, so maybe he didn't really mean it...' or 'well maybe he was just saying that because he thought that's what you wanted to hear...'

That tiny voice that never lets me enjoy and savour the fact that someone told me that they found me desirable... I try very hard to tell that tiny voice to fuck off...unfortunately it's the same inner voice that feeds most of my fears... but that's for another day...

Sonuva....!

So...

Bing broke me. Asshat.

I had my doubts and suspicions about it but after yesterday I know now that he definitely broke me.

I have been having some difficulties when having relations with the Man, which I have written about already...but those have been slowly getting better and going away.

However when committed to Bing I hadn't really gone to any of my 'Friends with Benefits'...mainly because before Bing had been somewhat jealous at times, which because I know that can even be hard to admit let alone hard to handle I was staying away from others out of respect to him...not to say I always did I did meet up with the Major once this last year...

So how do I know that I'm broken?

I went to go see the Major yesterday, we got together to take some pics and some recreational fun...we always have a good time together because both of us are completely blunt, honest and straight forward...we can have conversations about shit that bothers us without the other one taking it to heart or taking it personally...I can talk about what parts of me I'm uncomfortable with so that while we're taking photos he knows...and him saying things like...move this way, it's a little more flattering because of that fold of skin right there...doesn't bother me like it would from some one else...

After taking some photos we had some fun...well... tried too...

I tried to get into it but I wasn't getting lost like I normally would (found that with the Man a few times too)...and as embarrassing as this is to admit...kept drying up...

That's the part that shocked me...the most... I have never in my life had that happen to me before...ever.

So yeah that was disconcerting a bit...I know/knew that I wasn't completely ready to be out playing with others as of yet but sort of wanted to throw myself back into 'the game' so to speak...

I know he didn't do it on purpose...hell probably didn't even realize how much cutting him out would hurt...but it still was him...

I'm glad now that I hadn't taken up someone else I knew on the offer a month ago...if I was having this much of a problem yesterday I can't imagine what last month would have been like.

But anyway... we took some awesome shots yesterday and I really kind of can't wait to share a couple of them...

I won't share too many of them...would hate to weird out Burton...lol

More to come about other stuffs...

Kind of feel like this deep down today...

Aaaand Everyone Had a Part To Play...

Crazy Wacky Dream Time...

Apparently Squasha was down visiting and for some reason laundry service from his hotel brought his underpants and watch over while I was asleep and hung up (yes on a hanger) his underpants just inside my door.
After a little while suddenly Squasha stumbled through the door naked and yanked his underpants off the hanger and started to get dressed right there in the front entry way.

When I asked him what was up and why he was stumbling he said that he had just got back from a dentist's appointment and he was still really woozy and half of his face was still frozen.
So I offered to drive him and his rental car back to the hotel and The Man was to follow in my car.
They agreed and Squasha also offered that his friend was waiting for him at the hotel and that she'd make sure that he was fine for the rest of the evening.

Walked Squasha into the hotel and up to his room giving him a hug and a good luck in the hallway just before the door opened and there to my huge surprise was May (yes, May...as in Bing's new girlfriend). She looked all worried and hug Squasha without seeing me at first, probably good since the look on my face was one that shouldn't be seen by any. When she did see me finally she tried to conceal her look of surprise and guilt and started to say something, but I just put up my hand and walked back downstairs not listening.

I heard a party going on in one of the ballroom's of the hotel and it sounded very much like drumming, like DRD drumming. So I popped open the door as if I were supposed to be there and filed through the crowd, as I got to the stage area the DRD stopped and said they'd be back after a short break.

I went to say hi to them but a woman stepped in front of me and did one of those OMG! I haven't seen you in a long time type yells and action as she put her arms out to hug me. However, it was one of the derby girls (Assassin) whom I'd just seen the night before...she was really drunk.

As I was stepping away from her Utu  walked up to me and said hello as we hugged. We hugged and hugged, he scooped me up, lifting me up and placing me down so that I could sit on top of a table and continue hugging him. He made no move to stop or withdraw from the hug and actually put my legs around his waist so that I was hugging him completely.
I could feel at that moment all tension draining out of me and I started to smile, a real one. All he said as I started to smile (even though he couldn't see it) was 'Now isn't that better?'

Just as I was about to answer, Bing walked in, gaze immediately finding mine over Utu's shoulder and he started to make a beeline directly for us (since Utu was still standing there hugging me) and in a low voice and a really nasty look all he said was 'What the fuck is going on?'
Utu stood up and sighed as all tension came flooding back into me, Utu kissed my cheek and walked away. Leaving me sitting on top of a table nearly as tall as Bing, with Bing standing right in front of me looking angry. I just shook my head and said "I told you."

With that I woke up.

And Life Goes On...

They said to expect 2 to 3 days up to possibly 2 weeks of bleeding like a normal to heavy menstrual cycle.

What they didn't ever say was that there was a possibility that there'd be no bleeding... yeah I'm a bit mystified by it.

Had some pretty bad cramping yesterday when I came to in the hospital, and was bleeding then...came home and took a couple of advil...was a bit dizzy and nauseous from the anesthetic... had a good sleep last night...

Still had some slight cramping today but for the most part...no bleeding...

Not sure if I should be happy or worried. *shrugs*

I was doing some laundry today...did some dishes...didn't feel much different then any other day...but still been real good about not lifting anything heavy or too physical ...even though I felt as though I should be doing some other stuff...

did light things...did some more sewing...been making yoga pants and dresses from old t-shirts that are too big for me now...or just don't suit me much any more...

pulled down my suitcase and garment bag but still seems a bit too early to start packing...ya know since I only have so much clothing that'll fit at the moment...

been gathering some 'things' and some 'stuff' to start packing up... but a bit unsure of how things'll be in Reno... especially the weather...

good news though...I'll be all healed up and won't have to take it easy while I'm there...even though I'll likely be getting my R & R on while I'm down there...

I'm getting really excited...it's already next week when I leave...hoping that my ankle holds up on the 20th with walking through airports and shit...

The Man and I were talking about what we're going to do tomorrow...he was thinking of going to work out...I might just go and walk the track... I'm not allowed to swim or workout yet...

Some odd things on the list of do's and don'ts...but the most odd one was for 12 hours after surgery I wasn't to cook or use electrical appliances...no reasons why...just don't do it... lol

I should look it up to see if there is a reason listed somewhere.

Birthday Wishlist...
See Pacific...
Layers by Scentsy combo - Daily Layers - Satin Sheets
Lose my belly fat
Nook Colour
Roller Derby Shirt a Month Club :)
iTouch
iPhone
Vibrator
Fancy Underpants

Pyramid Lake 2010

'Cause all of my demons have withered away...Demons, withered away...You'll understand when you go my way...

Somedays...like today... I just lay back and think...

I was sitting here on the futon in the temple, I had just finished an almost two hour workout, the Manchild and I had set up camp in here to get away from the distractions in the living room, namely the Boychild watching Yu-Gi-Oh, so that he could work on an assignment his father gave him to do and I'm writing a couple of papers... I realized I hadn't taken any time since I was rudely awakened by the phone to just sit and be. Sounds crazy I'm sure but I like a few moments of solitude when I first wake up in the morning and to say hello to the day.
So I just laid back and closed my eyes, and when I did I just let random thoughts go swirling about in my head as I just laid there breathing and listening to the music playing and the Manchild writing his paper.

I started thinking about the people in my life that I've deemed important... those I feel close too and those I wish to keep in my life... and those I may need to distance myself from...

I do this on occasion and especially when I feel as if those I wish to spend some time with don't wish to spend any with me... and I'm not talking about calling them once and them saying they're busy... I'm talking about those that when I call, never answer the phone, never return messages, not showing any interest in my life and what's happening in it, those that ask how you're doing and then cut ya off while you're answering because they obviously didn't care in the first place... ya know that type of behaviour that just gives you this feeling that there's either something wrong, or that they don't seem able to make the time to talk to you for five minutes...

Yeah so I was doing that... and whoa I realized that I have a really small circle of friends and even those that were in that close circle in November...their numbers have dwindled further... lost 3...though I gained 2...for now I suppose...we'll see how it goes...

I take stock... I don't find it weird but I suppose others may. I think back to what was going on in my life a year ago, and compare it to now and see if it's better, worse or stayed the same...and am I happy with that?
Then I decide if it's worth changing or if it'll change itself, or if it's worth the bother of saying or doing anything about it. nothing like taking inventory of yourself and your friends.

Does it seem to analytical? or too systematic? I don't know... maybe it does.

It boils down I guess to I trust who I trust and I don't trust those I don't... Trust isn't exactly a hot commodity these days so it's nice to find those people you can trust... even though after so many that you can't... it's just bloody amazing to be able to find it in yourself to trust someone with who you really are.

Another new adventure starting again...this time with Burton...hoping it turns out a lot better then the last couple.
Part of me is sighing and telling I'm stupid for doing this again. Another part is screaming at me that I'm a glutton for punishment. Another part is whispering that she's just another that's going to leave. Where as the majority among the rest are feeling pretty good about this. We'll definitely see though.
History has a tendency of either repeating itself or teaching some much needed lessons...we'll see how it works this time.

So I'll and work on some papers again and see what's what tomorrow when the Man is home.

after the night when i wake up i'll see what tomorrow brings

Oh Pandora You Silly Woman...

The myth of Pandora's Box is legendary but really... think about it long and hard for just a few moments... do that for me...

She opens the box (or jar or container) and lets out all the evils and despairs of the world. Only Hope remained in the box when she quickly closed it again.

Think about that if the box contained all the evils and despairs... what was Hope doing in there?

It's because Hope can be a very evil emotion.

If the box contained all the evils that would plague mankind I think it's safe to say that Hope is a plague and not the remedy of the others that were let out.

Look what people have done when they've 'held out Hope' about something important to them... those who hold onto Hope like a dog on a bone have gotten hurt and fell into despair or hopelessness...

So... am I right?

If all the evils that would plague mankind were in the box, wouldn't that mean Hope is one of them?

...listening to my own singing...

I come to you every night by way of your window...you don't seem to see me...do you feel me I wonder as I stand in the darkness of your room...do you feel my presence as I stand next to your bed and gaze at you while you sleep...do you feel me as I try ever so hard to feel the warmth of your skin as I brush my hand down your cheek...do you notice when I sit next to you and watch your body move ever so slightly up and down as you breathe...do you feel me next to you when I lay down and ret my head on your chest...how I wish I was able to actually feel your warm touch....how I wish I could smell your soft musky scent...how I wish I could stay and have you see me when you open you eyes...do you know that I've been there next to you...do you know how long I stay and just watch you while you sleep...how peaceful you look...how content you look while dreaming the dreams that I hope are about us...I wish I was able to get in your dreams and let you know that I have been there...I wish there was some way to let you know that I had been there...do you know how much I long to actually feel your soft warm skin pressing up against mine...it kills me to come and not be able to feel you...but its much worse when I don't come to see you...my heart aches to be with you...my body cries out for the touch of yours...my soul shudders with the anticipation of seeing you again...I have to keep from dying inside everyday because I'm not apart of your reality as of yet...I watch you as you sleep and wish I could be there next to you...I wish I could let you know that I have been there...I wish you could feel me there with you always.

Things I want to know...

How do you think you'd feel if someone moved into your neighbourhood and started telling you that what you believe is wrong?

Now what if they started withholding your food, and told you that what you believe is absolutely wrong and that you have to start believing what they do in order to get your food?

How long would it take you to tell them that you believe what they do?

Would you tell them that you believe what they do in order to get the food and still practice what you believe instead?

and yet it has and still happens all over the world ...

Why is that?

Io, Saturnalia

When it comes to festivals, parties, and downright debauchery, no one beats the folks of ancient Rome. Around the time of the winter solstice each year, they celebrated the festival of Saturnalia. As the name implies, this was a holiday in honor of the agricultural god, Saturn. This week-long party typically began around December 17th, so that it would end right around the day of the solstice.

Fertility rituals were performed at the temple of Saturn, including sacrifices. In addition to the large public rites, many private citizens held ceremonies honoring Saturn in their homes.

One of the highlights of Saturnalia was the switching of traditional roles, particularly between a master and his slave. Everyone got to wear the red pileus, or freedman's hat, and slaves were free to be as impertinent as they wished to their owners. However, despite the appearance of a reversal of social order, there were actually some fairly strict boundaries. A master might serve his slaves dinner, but the slaves were the ones who prepared it -- this kept Roman society in order, but still allowed everyone to have a good time.

Businesses and court proceedings closed up for the entire celebration, and food and drink were everywhere to be had. Elaborate feasts and banquets were held, and it wasn’t unusual to exchange small gifts at these parties. A typical Saturnalia gift might be something like a writing tablet or tool, cups and spoons, clothing items, or food. Citizens decked their halls with boughs of greenery, and even hung small tin ornaments on bushes and trees. Bands of naked revelers often roamed the streets, singing and carousing - a sort of naughty precursor to today's Christmas caroling tradition.

The traditional greeting at a Saturnalia celebration is, "Io, Saturnalia!", with the "Io" being pronounced as "Yo." So next time someone wishes you a happy holiday, feel free to respond with "Io, Saturnalia!" After all, if you lived in Roman times, Saturn was the reason for the season!

Sacrifice

sac·ri·fice /ˈsækrəˌfaɪs/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[sak-ruh-fahys] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, -ficed, -fic·ing.

–noun

1.	the offering of animal, plant, or human life or of some material possession to a deity, as in propitiation or homage.

2.	the person, animal, or thing so offered.

3.	the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

4.	the thing so surrendered or devoted.

5.	a loss incurred in selling something below its value.

6.

Also called sacrifice bunt, sacrifice hit. Baseball. a bunt made when there are fewer than two players out, not resulting in a double play, that advances the base runner nearest home without an error being committed if there is an attempt to put the runner out, and that results in either the batter's being put out at first base, reaching first on an error made in the attempt for the put-out, or being safe because of an attempt to put out another runner.

–verb (used with object)

7.	to make a sacrifice or offering of.

8.	to surrender or give up, or permit injury or disadvantage to, for the sake of something else.

9.	to dispose of (goods, property, etc.) regardless of profit.

10.	Baseball. to cause the advance of (a base runner) by a sacrifice.

–verb (used without object)

11.	Baseball. to make a sacrifice: He sacrificed with two on and none out.

12.	to offer or make a sacrifice.

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[Origin: 1225–75; (n.) ME <>sacrificium, equiv. to sacri- (comb. form of sacer holy) + -fic-, comb. form of facere to make, do¹ + -ium -ium; (v.) ME sacrifisen, deriv. of the n.]

What sacrifices have you made lately?

If I'm Only Dreaming, Then Why'm I Screaming

A few years ago my friend and her mom and I all went to go see a psychic (go ahead and groan) his name was Lenny, nice guy. So we waited in the car while we each went upstairs one at a time.
He did his readings out of a small upstairs apartment and he prefers when reading family members to keep them separated during the reading, so since we're all like family to each other we did it that way.

So her mom went first, and then my friend went, and then I went up last. He looked tired when I came upstairs, I understand how that goes when you're doing readings for people.

I enjoyed my reading, yes of course he told me things I already knew, but I didn't tell him anything. Save the nickname I use as my name. He came back with my full first name.

I had almost completely forgotten about the reading. Until the other day when I was in the shower. I love my shower, I just love being able to for all intents and purposes trance out in the shower and just make my mind blank it's just the best part of the cleansing process. but anyway...
At the time I was seeing this guy, sort of. And of course I wanted to ask him about this guy and see what was going to happen with us.

Lenny told me he was a flash in the pan, never gonna work out. Which I was already starting to feel like it was going that way. So he went on to tell me that the relationship I'm in won't be my last, there's much love but it too eventually won't be what we're looking for. Then he talked of the next one. Can't give too much away there. I shrugged at the time because the initial (name) that he gave didn't make sense to me I didn't have any friends with that initial that I could ever see that happening with. Now... why would this hit me in the shower almost 4 years after it happened.

*chuckles*
you know...

I don't know... :)