Saturday, September 29, 2012

Sleepless in Reno...(just doesn't have the same ring to it)

Sometimes I can't sleep.

No big surprise.

Sometimes I go to sleep and a few hours later my body is telling me to wake up for no good reason. It happens.

I usually get up and make myself a cup of tea and have a smoke, and then back to bed I go.

Here I'm so worried about waking Bing up that there's been a couple of nights where I just laid in bed for hours not moving so that I didn't wake him up.
And going out for a smoke is hard because there's a woman's voice that pretty much announces what door has just been opened in the house. I even does it for the patio door off of the master bedroom. Which pretty much wakes him up anytime the voice goes off. Usually she says 'Back Door' because that's the one I generally go outside by.

It's now just before 3  in the morning here, which means it's nearly 6 at home, almost time for the Man to get up, take the dog out, get the Boychild ready for school...
I'm downstairs in the kitchen having just tried to make the world's quietest cup of tea.
Dunno if when I'm done I'll try to slip out the back door, well as I said above whether I go out quietly it doesn't matter that woman will still announce what door I've just opened.

Bing got real  mad at me yesterday... *sighs*

I knew I probably should have just kept my observations and opinions to myself. I just really don't want to see him get stuck in a situation that he didn't see coming because we all know how blind love can be. I should have known better because I'm not exactly well known for sugar coating things. So I just made his day way more stressful then it could've been. 
However, he also has to see that even though this woman that he likes is having some 'issues' in her personal life with her husband. It's not exactly all rainbows and butterflies over here in my world. 
I've been trying really hard to keep everything under wraps and not spasm out too much, lord have mercy should I be too dramatic. 

I realized last night that I was barely keeping shit contained when I was watching the latest episode of Sons of Anarchy and started bawling my eyes out when Opie died. I mean I really get into the show but wow. I also realized shits barely being contained when I have two drinks and am really tipsy. Like, weird giggly tipsy.

Bing says that even if I don't believe him that he will miss me when I'm gone. It's not like I'll ever know. He's always played the majority of his emotions real close to the vest. So it's not like I'll get a random note from him somewhere down the line that says 'I Miss You'

I dunno.

I really do believe that his life will get way easier without me in it. As sad as that makes me, since he's my best friend as well as someone I love with all my heart. I'm left floundering a bit with the idea of I won't have him to talk to when shit hits the fan. He always has had this weird way of calming me down. Even while here and while dealing with all of this for the most part I've stayed rather calm.
No where near like at home when I would be venting at The Man, usually loudly.

I am smoking more here though, I don't like it. I know that Bing definitely doesn't like it, always making comments about my gross habit, but I've sort of gotten to this point of shrugging and thinking really doesn't matter what you think anymore.

Stuff like that used to sway my decisions on stuff. Now though, I'm shifting my thinking so that he's not quite so involved with them anymore.

I strapped on some gloves and went a few rounds with the punching bag that Bing has (again). If I'm going to continue to do that to burn off stress I seriously need to go buy some tape and tape up my knuckles beforehand, if not to save my knuckles then to save the punching bag. The knuckles on my index fingers and the one middle finger are all skinned and from what I noticed the bag is just covered in a couple of spots from my blood. I gotta say it's a great fucking stress reliever. Almost as good as skating was.

Talking about skating I have a feeling when I go talk to the doc about my ankle he's not going to give me the green light to get back on my skates for a while. The last couple of days here, my ankle has been downright killing me, it gets a bit swollen but also gets a constant stabbing pain. I'm not sure if that's just emotional pain manifesting physically or I've just been working it that much harder then I normally would... or maybe both. But I don't feel like I'm working it any harder then I have before.

Also I've totally been lacking on my stretches that Dr Awesome has given me to do...I'm starting to feel it. So I'm going to have to set some time aside so I can do them. Should probably do some of the ankle stretches too since I haven't really been doing those here either.

Apparently I'm still getting a work out but seems mostly 'cardio' ... I had lost 7 lbs in seven days... not my greatest weight loss... think that happened my second trip to South Carolina... but then again this trip isn't over yet... so I'll keep tallying...
Brought my measuring tape with me so that I can still do my weigh-in on the first...although it's a different scale from home so not sure how far off it might be.

Unfortunately, half of Bing's leave was revoked for next week, so he still has to go into work on Monday and Tuesday, but it could have been a lot worse, so not complaining (too much) ;)

Gah...I wish I could stop coughing. I had a flare up of allergies when I got here and haven't been able to shake this damn cough. Which apparently my coughing down here just woke Bing up as he was just up asking me about how I am.
He asks that a lot, lol, it's kind of cute. He really needs to stop worrying about me, and I assume the worry will fade after I've gone and we've not spoken for awhile.
 Just explained that I made a cup of tea because I couldn't sleep, to which he made a comment about trying to lose a lung. I'm sure he'll roll his eyes when he hears the back door open so I can go outside for a smoke in a minute.

Sometimes you need a warm cup of tea and a smoke to un-pretzel your brain. Non-smokers and non-tea drinkers don't get that.

Just had part of smoke...think I can sleep now.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Fickle and Deadly.

Jax: You need to calm down and think clearly
Tara: I've never been more clear in my life.
Jax: Yeah, Rage feels like that.

I have Love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and Rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one I will indulge the other.

I do not like being lied to, I don't think anyone really does. When you lie to someone you're insulting their intelligence. When you lie to them you never know what your own tells are. You might have one that people notice that you don't even realize, which then just makes you look like an idiot for trying to lie in the first place.

There is a calmness that comes when you are enraged, it takes a minute to find it. Generally in that calmness is when the plotting starts. It's human nature to want to take revenge on those who have wronged you in some way. Most of us try to rise above that and let it pass us by, because it may not be worth the fight, or the consequences would be too grand.

I generally prefer to choose words. They can be some of the most hurtful things that you can do to someone. Words stick with people and they roll around in their brains and gnaw away at they're self worth. I've not cut anyone down in a really long time with my words and am not even sure if I could anymore. So many times I've turned the other cheek that I'm running out of cheeks to turn.

It's very quiet and serene today, as I sit on the second floor balcony. Listening to the children playing at the school  and park, and listen to the hum of the vehicles that go by. The sun is shining down on my face and I'm finally starting to get warm again. I can hear a dog barking in the distance and can't help but wonder if my Zuulie-Bear misses me.
My ankle hurts. I don't know why, I've not been nearly as active here as I have been at home.

Every few moments I just stop, close my eyes, take a deep breath and let the calmness take me over again.

There's things I'd like to say.  Things I can't quite put into words yet. Things I'd like to do. Things I worry about, things I'm trying to let go of. Worry is such a waste and yet I do it so much.
I wish it was just as easy as stopping....but it really isn't.

I worry about how things will be when I'm gone.

Why should I care, I'll be gone. Never to be heard from or seen again. So why should I worry?


I don't know but I still do.

Love is fickle. Very very fickle.

And nearly as deadly as Hope.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012


I didn't get to meet her but once but that one time I met her we chilled out and spent a whole lot of time together for two and a half weeks.
She was really spunky and had a bitchy personality at times. However, nonetheless we hung out and had a lot of fun playing together.

Circe 2011

Especially on those days where Bing would be at work for long nights and it was just the two of us in the house. She would tear ass around or would bat around dingling balls. Which Bing didn't want to buy in the first place because of the noise of them, but we got them for her anyhow and she loved how they rolled on the hardwood floor in the dining room which was lacking in furniture. Talk about a great playground for a kitten.

I fell in love with that little furball.

So when I got the message earlier this year that Big Daddy had to get her put done because she had gotten really sick and wasn't coming back from it. I cried. I mean it I loved that little cat, then to hear the heartbreak that he went through because of the situation I cried again. I felt bad that I could console him except with words and as we all know those are severely lacking at times of great sorrow.

When I got here last week I immediately noticed that her toys were still around the house. The next day I realized when I went into the laundry room that her food dish was still out with food in it and her litter box was still set up.

I couldn't help but shed a tear. Bing had said that he hadn't been able to bring himself to throw away her toys.

So yesterday I had decided while I was doing some cleaning that sometimes it just takes a friend to come along and help you out in in situations such as this.

Circe 2011
I gathered the toys of hers that I could find from around the house and put them all into her little cubby scratching post thingy...gathered up her pet taxi, litter box, and food dishes...
I took them outside and sat in the sun and washed them all down and cried.

When I finished I packed them all together and put them into the garage. I found I couldn't even bring myself to throw them away. I sat by her rock for a little while when I was finished and just let her know that not only was I going to miss her Bing but I was also going to miss her, and that I had already been missing her.

I know how hard it is when you lose a pet that you love. My boy Ares got really sick and died in my arms, and I just sat there holding him for a couple of hours because I just couldn't let him go.  It was The Man who had to deal with burying him and getting rid of his toys. I just couldn't do it.

I hope that my doing that yesterday didn't make  Bing upset I had just wanted to help him out because I know how hard that sort of shit could be. I also know how hard it is to see it everyday as well.

Circe 2011
Circe was a great little kitty and I'm so sorry that she's gone.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Thus Far, From Afar...

It's always weird when sitting down at someone else's computer to check your stuff, write emails or in this case to blog.

Everything is different...the keyboard, height of the screen it just doesn't feel right some

However I will make due in this case as I've already started the blog post and hate stopping in mid thought.

I kept up the guise of 'going on vacation' until the moment I got off the plane in Reno, even the friendly people that were talking to me on the way here think I'm living up for two weeks, relaxing and having a great time.

Even the Man wasn't exactly sure what was going to happen while I'm gone...hell I wasn't even exactly sure but I had a real good idea of what might go down when I got here.

I had mentioned before that I had contemplated for a moment just seeing if I could get a refund on my tickets, and after the first day and a half it was suggested by the Man to see if maybe I could get my return ticket to come home sooner.

Tried very hard to steel away my emotions and for the most part was doing rather ok...then I got here.
Saw his face, went sort of mushy inside and then felt very awkward. The first morning here I was on skype with the Man bawling my eyes out and asking him what the fuck I was doing here.

We talked awhile and he told me day at a time...deep breath and keep on keeping on...

He's hurt my feelings a few times but all in all...we've had a roller coaster thus far...aha you thought I was going to say but all in all it hasn't been so really hasn't in the grande scheme of things...we're both alive and still breathing so that's worth something. I'm glad he didn't wait until I got here like he had been thinking originally. It gave me a few days to process and plan and think, oh and to become calmer and less violent feeling...

Was made to feel like an asshole the other night and sort of went off a little bit. For the most part I didn't get overly angry which I'm sure some might say I was downright pissed. However, it was because I was hurting and unfortunately I'm like that wounded animal that lashes out and eventually will hurt the ones trying to help me. Ended up in the kitchen and downing three shots before he came down to see what the fuck I was doing...had a fourth while talking some more. Really I had originally gone down stairs so I could have a smoke. That didn't end up happening as I got dragged back upstairs in a now woozy state and told to get into bed.

My birthday was the next day...didn't really have any official plans. So I decided to get kind of dressed up into the dress that I bought in the spring that hadn't fit until now. I liked it. Still felt a bit fat in it but I'm sure it'll fit fine soon enough.

We went out to a couple of stores, had some fun and some laughs, he took me to a lovely dinner at the Claim Jumper again (really like that place...not sure why...perhaps because every time I've been here we've gone there...) after the eats we went to a Hallowe'en store and then we were headed to the movies to see Expendables 2...we had a couple of hours to spare so just chilled in the car talking and listening to my 'Hipster/Hippie/Indie' music...apparently, from what I've been told, I seem to be turning hipster...*shrugs*
The movie was excellently awesome...loved it...loved all the lines and mentions of the movies/shows all these old actions stars used to star in...funny thing was....besides Big Daddy and I there was 7 other people in the theatre...and I noticed about half way through the movie that we were the only two laughing at the funny shit like I mentioned above...*shakes head* I tell ya some peoples kids have no sense of humour.

When the movie got out I took note in the car that it was 9:30 so assumed once we got back to the house (which I really do need to stop referring to it as home) that it would be straight to bed to sleep, since Big Daddy has to maintain an early bedtime schedule. I'll just say I assumed wrong and keep all the wonderful details to myself, except to say that I'm really kind of hoping to have a bit more of that particular style of fun before I leave.

Yesterday...made us a couple of omelettes for breakfast/brunch... I only ate about half of it...just felt full...but then...about a half an hour later it decided to present itself once again...*shrugs*

My system has been so buggered since I've been here. I've barely been eating and have been hungry even less. Big Daddy nearly fainted when I told him on Saturday that I was hungry.

Last night I didn't eat anything for dinner. I made up some chicken and broccoli, carrots and a tater for him but as I was cooking it all I wanted to do was puke. So I finished off a protein bar that I had and that was my dinner. Oh and I stole a bite of chicken off his

I didn't tell him I didn't eat I didn't want him to worry...he really needs to stop worrying about me. He constantly asks if I'm ok, or if something is wrong. Always on me about quitting smoking (I'm anticipating that I'll have to walk to the store in the next day or so when I run out of smokes, so I can buy more.) Seems to always be trying to feed me...It really is super sweet of him and of course I tell him to stop and I know he needs to but it really is sweet.

I really do love him so much, makes me sad that I'm here to say goodbye.

I really do appreciate this chance. It's like all those times when you find out someone died or moved away or some such and you think 'man I wish we could've... just one more time' or 'I never got to say goodbye' ... I'm getting my chance to now. It likely seems weird that I flew 2500miles just to say goodbye...but I just had to see him...had to say the things I needed and still need to say to him in person.

What was weird is I started changing my view on this before I even left home... in my skype he's no longer Big Daddy,  in my phone he's no longer Papi, in all my contacts he's just his name...and as odd as it seems I knew I had to start changing it before hand...
The only place I haven't 'renamed' him to something less...intimate has been here on my blog but that's about to change as well...after this post if/when I refer to him,  I'll just refer to him as Bing.

Monday, September 17, 2012

180 degree turn and halt...

I know I've posted on here a couple of times that I was exactly sure about how my trip to Reno will be. However, I really did think I knew pretty much how it was going to go because Big Daddy and I have had a whole lot of conversations over the last few months about things we'd like to do and how things might be while I'm there.

Then everything got flipped around about 14 maybe 15 now, hours ago.

Now I have no idea what to expect in the least and I have to admit that for a few minutes I actually contemplated seeing if I could get my money back from my tickets.

However, truthfully, I need this time away from here.

I was trying to think if I could afford to stay elsewhere...yeah not in this lifetime but it was worth checking it out.

I was calm ... way too calm for me...I sat out on the porch chain smoking and telling the Man about the conversation and remained calm the entire time. I sort of freaked myself out by doing that...also made myself feel a little sick...especially since I'm used to smoking like 1 cigarette a day and I think I nearly went through half a pack last night.

Sort of came to an epiphany as I lay in bed talking to the Man after ward... I'm a deluded, hypocritical, unrealistically, selfish, greedy person...

Now that I know that fully and completely I can move on. I can work on those particular things and hopefully get whatever lesson is coming.

I apologized to the Man so many times last night... and the true epiphany was that I am more like Big Daddy then I could have imagined.

As I lay there lamenting over not knowing what was wrong with me, why has this seemingly perfect relationship with the Man ever been truly enough...and then leading into a stream of wonderings about Big Daddy and my not being enough when he's said so many great things about me...and it dawned on me...

I'm the Big Daddy of the relationship with The Man... and I broke down and apologized again and told him that I would try to find out what's wrong with me...

I couldn't ask for a better man in the Man...I couldn't...I've been out there and dated and had relationships with others...and I can't ever see living without the Man in my life...just thinking about how much I love him brings me to tears...he loves me so much and is so patient, and given me everything I could ever need emotionally, told him that even my issues with our sex life haven't been as prevalent since we've both been getting better (health-wise), he's loyal and forgiving and so many other things...he's just amazing...

now I don't have the ego to think that I am like that...however when it comes to the odd, unorthodox 'weird' relationship that I've had with Big Daddy...he's me....and I'm the Man.

it wounds me that he doesn't think he could make me happy...when I've told him so many times that he hurts my heart that he'll tell me that I'm awesome, 'freakishly awesome at sex', that I'm beautiful and he loves me and always will...but in the next breath I'm not what he's looking for...

I don't understand why I need and love him so much...

Sure I can do the friend thing...the friend thing from a distance would be easy... I just close myself down and don't share the stuff that I'm feeling when talking...I've done it before with others...and eventually the feelings aren't so raw...and eventually life goes on and they tend to just fade out of my life...and I go through the pain of losing and missing them...

sometimes in the case of the DrunkenMonkey they resurface and we talk and see how the other is up and become friends about our kids and our lives and how we're doing...

sometimes in the case of Swift they resurface just to say Hey and then don't hear from them again for months at a time...

I guess I'll just have to wait to see how it goes with Big Daddy... my embarrassment last night was so overwhelming...I was so ashamed that I had lost it...that I had yelled...out and out yelled at him...

It wasn't my place. We've even discussed it in the past and I still let myself fall into some fucked up delusion. I see that now, and at least now I can right my way of thinking before I get there and before I was about to make a complete ass out of myself. So I'm at least thankful for that... but I've got to say this trip is going to be a helluva lot different then I had envisioned initially...

It's with a lot heavier heart that I board that plane to Reno then I had thought as well. It's for the best though, I really think it is.

And to top it all off... I'm having some sinus issues at the moment.


Saturday, September 15, 2012

Making Tail, Watching Zombies, Maybe Dying...

Spoke too soon I believe...

Been having some real bad cramping the last couple of much so that the man left a few minutes ago to buy me a new hot water bottle from the drug store...

We both agree that my body is me a couple of days where I was fine and feeling good...and then suddenly a couple of days later it decides to start cramping and purging worse then a binge eater...

So today...taking it easy...having a The Walking Dead Marathon that started last night...2 episodes to finish season one....then we're going to hunker down and spend the rest of the day/evening watching season two...

My idea? Not in the least... I effin' hate zombies...but since I'm feeling so horrible...I'm easily swayed by my

So going to sit here...making a tail and watching zombies...yep...maybe eat something...


and going to try not to die from all my insides falling out...

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

And Life Goes On...

They said to expect 2 to 3 days up to possibly 2 weeks of bleeding like a normal to heavy menstrual cycle.

What they didn't ever say was that there was a possibility that there'd be no bleeding... yeah I'm a bit mystified by it.

Had some pretty bad cramping yesterday when I came to in the hospital, and was bleeding then...came home and took a couple of advil...was a bit dizzy and nauseous from the anesthetic... had a good sleep last night...

Still had some slight cramping today but for the most bleeding...

Not sure if I should be happy or worried. *shrugs*

I was doing some laundry today...did some dishes...didn't feel much different then any other day...but still been real good about not lifting anything heavy or too physical ...even though I felt as though I should be doing some other stuff...

did light things...did some more sewing...been making yoga pants and dresses from old t-shirts that are too big for me now...or just don't suit me much any more...

pulled down my suitcase and garment bag but still seems a bit too early to start packing...ya know since I only have so much clothing that'll fit at the moment...

been gathering some 'things' and some 'stuff' to start packing up... but a bit unsure of how things'll be in Reno... especially the weather...

good news though...I'll be all healed up and won't have to take it easy while I'm there...even though I'll likely be getting my R & R on while I'm down there...

I'm getting really's already next week when I leave...hoping that my ankle holds up on the 20th with walking through airports and shit...

The Man and I were talking about what we're going to do tomorrow...he was thinking of going to work out...I might just go and walk the track... I'm not allowed to swim or workout yet...

Some odd things on the list of do's and don'ts...but the most odd one was for 12 hours after surgery I wasn't to cook or use electrical reasons why...just don't do it... lol

I should look it up to see if there is a reason listed somewhere.

Birthday Wishlist...
See Pacific...
Layers by Scentsy combo - Daily Layers - Satin Sheets
Lose my belly fat
Nook Colour
Roller Derby Shirt a Month Club :)
Fancy Underpants

Pyramid Lake 2010

Sunday, September 09, 2012


I have to have surgery on Monday afternoon....

I go in at noon... 2 hrs before the surgery itself...I can't help but think, that time is going to do nothing but make me worry worse...I'm hoping they'll give me a sedative before they knock me out...

Going to have my lady bits scraped out...yep doesn't that sound like fun... nothing like having surgery less then two weeks before going out on vacation...

I'm still not 100% after my ankle fracture... and now I have to go under again to have something else done... what else am I going to have to go through before the end of the year...

Had a conversation with Big Daddy tonight...the timing on it sucked...big time...seems he went out for a breakfast with a lady from work... dunno where that's going... don't want to think about it right now... like I said... bad timing and all...

All I can hope right now is that my birthday doesn't suck... I'm not even all about the acknowledgement and presents this year...

really right now...I just want to stop being hormonal...want my tits to stop hurting...and I want to get my weight back under control...I haven't been eating right...or sleeping right...

I want to get to Reno...lay on Big Daddy's couch and read a book in complete silence...and not have to worry about anything...and maybe see the Pacific... really want that...

I'm not supposed to smoke for two days before my surgery...but been so stressed I've been smoking more...

Yeah...think I need to go to bed...I'm tired and feeling a bit like crying

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Weigh In #6 cont'd

Ok so I remembered today to get up and actually check my weight...which I was told not to do until my ankle was 100% better...but figured I started doing weigh in's once a month so  I'll keep it up...

Even though my results aren't really making me very happy...

Weight for this month is 184 lbs (+4lb)

I hate this I"m slowly creeping back up again...seems like I should just lay around from now on because when I was doing that I lost 17 that I'm working on actually losing weight, toning muscle and getting into shape...I seem to gain it all...


well as long as I keep seeing minus signs from month to month when doing my body measurements I'll try to not get too discouraged....but I"m understanding why it is that people quit that's for damn sure....

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Weigh In #6

Having some issues this month with the girly bits and therefore doesn't surprise me that my hips and belly and tits might be a bit wider...
fuckin girl parts...

Ankles - Left 9.5 (+0.5) Right 8.75 (+0.25)
Calf  - Left 15 (+0.5) Right 15.5 (+0.5)
Thighs - Left 23.5 (+0.5) Right 23 (-1)
Hips - 44 (+1.25)
Belly - 40.5 (-0.5)
Waist - 34 (-1)
Under bust - 34 (same)
Over Bust - 42 (+2)
Neck - 14 (-0.5)
Wrists - Right  6.5 (+0.25) Left 6 (-0.25)
Forearm - Right 10 (-0.5) Left 10 (-0.25)
Biceps - Right 13.5 (+0.75) Left 13.25 (-0.25)

I forgot to pull out the scale this morning so I'll have to add that tomorrow...knew I forgot something...