180 degree turn and halt...

I know I've posted on here a couple of times that I was exactly sure about how my trip to Reno will be. However, I really did think I knew pretty much how it was going to go because Big Daddy and I have had a whole lot of conversations over the last few months about things we'd like to do and how things might be while I'm there.

Then everything got flipped around about 14 maybe 15 now, hours ago.

Now I have no idea what to expect in the least and I have to admit that for a few minutes I actually contemplated seeing if I could get my money back from my tickets.

However, truthfully, I need this time away from here.

I was trying to think if I could afford to stay elsewhere...yeah not in this lifetime but it was worth checking it out.

I was calm ... way too calm for me...I sat out on the porch chain smoking and telling the Man about the conversation and remained calm the entire time. I sort of freaked myself out by doing that...also made myself feel a little sick...especially since I'm used to smoking like 1 cigarette a day and I think I nearly went through half a pack last night.

Sort of came to an epiphany as I lay in bed talking to the Man after ward... I'm a deluded, hypocritical, unrealistically, selfish, greedy person...

Now that I know that fully and completely I can move on. I can work on those particular things and hopefully get whatever lesson is coming.

I apologized to the Man so many times last night... and the true epiphany was that I am more like Big Daddy then I could have imagined.

As I lay there lamenting over not knowing what was wrong with me, why has this seemingly perfect relationship with the Man ever been truly enough...and then leading into a stream of wonderings about Big Daddy and my not being enough when he's said so many great things about me...and it dawned on me...

I'm the Big Daddy of the relationship with The Man... and I broke down and apologized again and told him that I would try to find out what's wrong with me...

I couldn't ask for a better man in the Man...I couldn't...I've been out there and dated and had relationships with others...and I can't ever see living without the Man in my life...just thinking about how much I love him brings me to tears...he loves me so much and is so patient, and given me everything I could ever need emotionally, told him that even my issues with our sex life haven't been as prevalent since we've both been getting better (health-wise), he's loyal and forgiving and so many other things...he's just amazing...

now I don't have the ego to think that I am like that...however when it comes to the odd, unorthodox 'weird' relationship that I've had with Big Daddy...he's me....and I'm the Man.

it wounds me that he doesn't think he could make me happy...when I've told him so many times that he has...it hurts my heart that he'll tell me that I'm awesome, 'freakishly awesome at sex', that I'm beautiful and he loves me and always will...but in the next breath I'm not what he's looking for...

I don't understand why I need and love him so much...

Sure I can do the friend thing...the friend thing from a distance would be easy... I just close myself down and don't share the stuff that I'm feeling when talking...I've done it before with others...and eventually the feelings aren't so raw...and eventually life goes on and they tend to just fade out of my life...and I go through the pain of losing and missing them...

sometimes in the case of the DrunkenMonkey they resurface and we talk and see how the other is doing...open up and become friends again...talk about our kids and our lives and how we're doing...

sometimes in the case of Swift they resurface just to say Hey and then don't hear from them again for months at a time...

I guess I'll just have to wait to see how it goes with Big Daddy... my embarrassment last night was so overwhelming...I was so ashamed that I had lost it...that I had yelled...out and out yelled at him...

It wasn't my place. We've even discussed it in the past and I still let myself fall into some fucked up delusion. I see that now, and at least now I can right my way of thinking before I get there and before I was about to make a complete ass out of myself. So I'm at least thankful for that... but I've got to say this trip is going to be a helluva lot different then I had envisioned initially...

It's with a lot heavier heart that I board that plane to Reno then I had thought as well. It's for the best though, I really think it is.

And to top it all off... I'm having some sinus issues at the moment.

FML.