Weigh In #11

Back dating this post so that it actually falls with when I did my weigh in...unfortunately we were without interwebs for about a week or so...and wow lots of stuff can happen in that time period...but alas...here to keep my self accountable...

I didn't lose as much as I had wanted...I had wanted to get back down to my Reno weight...but I'm finding it difficult to adhere so strictly to my diet and it's frustrating the hell out of me that I've not only lost my motivation but also my willpower it seems...

I guess keeping up my willpower in regards to some things is costing me in other areas...just don't have enough for all the things... ALL THE THINGS!!

But anyway...here's weigh in 11...

Ankles - R 8 (-0.5) L 9 (-0.5)
Calves - R 15 (same) L 14.5 (-1)
Thighs -  R 23 (+1) L 22.25 (+0.25)
Wrists - R 6.5 (+0.25) L 6.25 (same)
Forearms - R 10.5 (+0.75) L 10 (+0.75)
Biceps - R 12.5 (+0.25) L 13 (+0.5)

Hips - 41 (-0.25)
Belly - 37 (-0.50)
Waist - 32.75 (-0.25)
Underbust - 33.75 (+0.5)
Overbust - 40.5 (+2.25) (wtf?!)
Neck - 14 (same)

Weight - 173.1 (-1.1)
BMI - 31.93 (last BMI was 32.13... -0.2)

So overall not a huge loss but also not a huge gain...just need to force myself to get back in there full force and stop dicking around and hoping I'll shed the last 30lbs just by wishing them away.

Hat = Done.

So... I finished my hat... I've started working on a small gift for a friend of mine... So far so good I hope she'll like it...

Idle Hands and All That...

Believe it or not this is what's been keeping me in reality...grounded...so grounded...when I'm not keeping busy with my hands I start to lose my mind...here's to hoping I don't run out of yarn/wool...

Oh and huzzah to me posting from my phone...that's new...

World's Worst Mum...And how are you?

I broke my heart near the end of last year...I say I did it because it really was my own fault...I was under the impression then someone felt for me as I did them and that nothing would ever stop us from being together in some fashion even if it was as friends...I was wrong.

So I've been trying to mend myself for the last while...thought I was doing really well too...

That was until my son came along and decided that the best way to deal with people who love him is through cruelty.

I know that as teens go they no longer seem to be human because they are self centred and arrogant and think they know everything....I know...because I was one.

But never was I downright cruel with my parents.

I have tried to teach him during our time together that all actions have consequences (sometimes a lesson I'm still learning) some are good and some are bad...generally depending on the action.

He knows and seems to understand the concept itself...I think that when it comes to it happening to him it's like he's forgotten it all over again...or that it also applies to him...so when he's given consequences he lashes out because now he's not getting his own way as he thinks he should...

When he moved in here we told him he had to follow the rules....be home on time...get your grades up...be respectful of the other people you live with... he had agreed to them...said he could do that, even said that he needed structured rules in his life...

Apparently he didn't really believe that...the first time he came home late I gave a warning, reminding him of the rules...he tried to pass the blame...I just shrugged and reminded him.

The next time he came home I had already gone up and taken his laptop and told him he wasn't able to play the PS3 for the rest of the night and provided that all went well for the rest of the night then he would get them back the next day. He flipped the fuck out...posted shit to his facebook (because apparently that's how children lash out now....might as well make it completely public and one sided)

***Ok mom come febuary 21st on my 16th birthday my ass is gone you don't have to be a dumb bitch, cuz i was late by 20 min for a good reason and you take my shit away and mock me like a 5 year old? I never should have left my father, hes the one i always looked up to for everything, you walked out of my life shortly after i was born and my father took responsability, my father is my true family, hoestly i wish i never fucked up, i miss him everyday, but instead now i have to look at you, only with disappointment i gave you the chance to take on the roll you failed to be my whole life, i should have listened to dad, and this hasn't even been the only time i've regreted coming here. I miss the old days when it was only me and my father living together only us two life was perfect, and i thank him for that time he gave me but it saddens me that we cant have quality time together anymore but it's alright he has responabilities now, he has to work and look after my beautiful brother and sister, i wish i wasnt such an asshole to my bro and sis because now i relize how much i miss them and how much they mean to me. Brother*, Sister*, BrotherG*, Dad.. I love you guys with all my heart and i'm sorry for not being the best son, or brother but i love you guys with all my heart, really and truley..***

So upon reading that I went upstairs and asked him if he had something he wanted to say to me...which apparently he was to cowardly to call me a dumb bitch to my face...probably smart move on his part...

Instead of ever owning up to the fact and taking responsibility for not following the rules of the house...he starts throwing shit at me about relationships and accusing me of all sorts of things...like stepping out on The Man...which of course is untrue...telling me I'm a horrible parent because I have an eleven year old son who now knows that I've been with other people other then his father... (um yep he knows...he knew that already because of conversations I've had with the Boychild)...

So while I'm upstairs getting accused of being all sorts of hateful, The Man who dislikes...nah downright hates when people are disrespectful (especially to me) changes the network password so the Manchild can no longer get onto the web...

Needless to say the next week wasn't pleasant at home and no one really talked to each other...there was a lot of tension going around...Boychild wasn't happy, seeming listless and lethargic...the Man and I ended up arguing about shit and snapping more at each other...I was depressed...

I seem to have developed some localized anxiety as well it's sort of what I touched on in another post...I'm having anxiety attacks of a sort...something will trigger it and I try very hard to not let any of the reactions I have to it show...sometimes not so easy with the shakes....shortness of breath...and I blink back the crying as much as possible...there's other stuff that happens as well but really it's not really that interesting...

So anyway...the Manchild has decided that he doesn't want to live here in a house with rules that he's expected to follow...so he's back at his dad's where they told him if he was going back there that he was to get a job, never be late, to always go to school and not fail any subjects....I don't know...if you ask me those sound like rules to me...*shrugs*

Both his father and I have told him there will not be any more jumping back and forth between houses.

After sitting down and talking it over with Boychild and the Man...it's unfortunate but...we were all happier as a family unit when the Manchild wasn't living here full time...

July 2010 Sleepy  at the Chinese Restaurant after Hedley Concert

No Weigh In Today...But Try This On For Size...

Re-experiencing... Avoidance... Numbing...

Those are the three out of four that I have... I would have never thought it myself but when ya sit right down and think it through... I'm not sure if anxiety attacks would be a symptom as well but I do have those as well...

I would have never thought about it except that The Man made a comment that sort of stuck with me a few weeks ago until I finally started looking into it... I think if he hadn't made the comment I would have still been left wondering...

Now I need to figure out how to deal with it all...

It seemed to pop up even worse when stressed about the Manchild...which I should really sit down and vent about that situation as well...but...I just haven't had the heart to sit here crying to release all my frustrations while I type...

I started knitting again...

It's really therapeutic...it's like when Finnick just knots the rope over and over and over again during and after the Games it sort of keeps him from breaking down or freaking out...and when Katniss starts to feel herself slipping away and she visits with him he gives her some of his rope...and they tie and untie knots until their hands start to bleed just so they can keep it together (Hunger Games reference fyi)...the knitting seems to be doing that for me at the moment...just been sitting here each night knitting and watching Doctor Who...(that's a whole other blog post as well...my thoughts on Doctor Who and  on Whovians....lol)

I need to keep my hands busy or I start to feel a little crazy at times....so yeah...been trying to keep busy...

Anyway...I know I'm supposed to do my weigh in today but it seems that the devil of periods has decided to bestow upon me another gift...so...instead I give you the story I shared yesterday about my last year and my health and weight loss...weigh in to follow in the next day or two...


I wanted to sit down and tell ya all a little story about myself (how vain I know) :P

At this time last year I was approximately 225 to maybe 230 pounds. Of course I never would step on a scale because of the fact that well...I was fat.
Not only was I fat I was extremely unhealthy. I thought I had been eating a healthy and balanced diet when I was making sure that my family and I were eating from the food groups and not over indulging at meals, keeping snack/junk foods to a minimum and eating out rarely.

I, however, was no where near as healthy as I thought I was. I had been going to doctors for various reasons...had a heart condition, had issues with infertility, constant headaches, irritability, constant pain in my back, obesity and many other issues. What scared me the most was when I went to the doctor because I had had months of weakness, numbness, tingling and other strange symptoms happening in my legs and arms. I would be serving dinner and would drop plates full of food because my hands would suddenly go weak, or I would have to stay in bed for days because my legs would be so weak I would fall. I really believed that by the end of 2012 I would be in a wheelchair or worse.

My doctor had almost given up on me, having had me tested for some many things he had just wanted to label me as having fibromyalgia and leave it at that. However, me being the wonderfully persuasive person that I can be at times, told him that wasn't good enough. He sent me to a physiologist (who also has many other doctorates/certificates) who literally saved my life.

He put me on a very specific diet, gave me stretches that I have to do (to realign my hips, back, knees, ankles...) after having talked to me for nearly 2 hours to get a thorough medical history on me. It seems that I had sugar toxicity, where the foods I was eating when they would break down into sugar, as they all do at some rate, was slowly poisoning me. The diet was/is so strict that I can't have any grains, any starches or any sugar (of course)...and also had found out that most of my back pain was because I was way out of alignment in my pelvis and hips.

It's been nearly a year now that I've been following doctors orders (on the odd occasions where I'm an asshole to myself and have something I shouldn't)

Every month at the beginning of the month I do a weigh in and do my measurements from head to toe...it's one of my motivators (not a big one...but...) It's almost time for me to do it again...over the holidays I had made myself ill by eating stuff I really wasn't suppose to...(it was my first christmas with trying to stick to a strict diet...though I was good and stayed away from sweets)...

So since March of last year to last month I've lost overall 33 inches...and 50.8 pounds...(that's going up and down a bit of course...we all do) and going from a size 24 pants to a size 14...

What I need after doing this for a year (almost) is a group of friends who can help keep me going...during holidays, times of stress, that time of the month...when I really want sweets and comfort foods...

Xmas I believe of 2010 (might be 2009)

Jan 18th of 2013