Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Don't Play Well With Others...

That territorial thing is kicking in again...and I don't like it.

As I pointed out in a conversation I was having earlier today in a chat... "And you know me... I'm the jealous type that doesn't play well with others and not really good at sharing my toys..."

I think I need to step back a moment...reassess and see where to go from there... I will not fall back into the routine that comes with the territorial behaviours...it just makes me ugly...

I just want it all to stay as it was at that moment on Monday morning... 

Monday, September 29, 2014

I don't want to be invisible.

I love having impromptu Skype dates with my wifey (Burton) on a random Sunday night.
I was glad to catch up with her about her weekend last weekend when she was in Portland at a convention.
It made me step back from a blog post I was sitting down to make which probably would have been a lot of wondering and explaining...and blathering on about some other stuff (which I will likely still get to...eventually).

I miss my wife.

On Thursday I went out with Piper (haven't gone out for a while with him) he  picked me up and we went and sat in the truck out by the river in N-O-T-L out by one of the wineries.
Got caught up on life and had some happy leaf that got me semi distracted from our conversation...do believe I kept texting Sugarbear telling him how I wish he was home that night...
He tried to make a move on me... *shakes head*  gotta say 'happy leaf' makes me really fucking horny...however...not so much so that I forget my place...

I ended up working on Friday...I think it was my last shift...not sure that's all up in the air...but with the way that Farmer is going and pissing me off lately...not sad that it would be my last shift. Must admit though that I had more fun at this job then I've had at most of the others I've had.  I didn't mind packing the fruit...and the people I was working with...all truly interesting stories unto themselves. I'm glad for the experience.

Got to chit the chat with Squasha for a bit back and forth via What'sApp...he went off to Germany for Oktoberfest...nice. I seriously would love to be able to go to visit him in Switzerland...take some trips around to other places in Europe...

Oh...my pipe dreams...they are vast...lol

but any way...

The week started out great...it was my birthday and I got my way (To get a hug and a kiss from both the men I lurves on my birthday - I'm easy to please sometimes.)... I slept at Sugarbears place Sunday night (which I don't normally do) woke up with him at 4:30 in the morning...had a few minutes of snuggle time where I got a sincere yet sleepy sounding happy birthday from him before he got up to get ready for work.
I got up threw on my clothes and came home after getting some more hugs and kisses and another happy birthday from SB in the drive.
Got home...a very sleepy and yet happy dog gave me some kisses before I told him to go back to sleep and slipped into bed with The Man, who gave me a hug and wished me a happy birthday before going back to sleep...
Later in the morning... he took me for breakfast which was nice. :)

Tuesday...things went a bit wonky and I felt as though I got punched in the gut. (not going into great detail...) found Sugarbear on another social media site of sorts and noticed that on his profile it said that he was single, looking for a relationship and a couple of other things.
It made me sad at first...and then I got angry...really angry.
I felt that he had lied to me and that he was just using me.
If ever there was anything that would make me pick up shop and leave...it's lying.
I didn't and still don't care if he has the profile, the thing that bothered me was that it stated that he is looking...

I wasn't going to say anything about it until he got home on Friday and was going to discuss it with him then but...before I was leaving to go to a 'birthday skate' I just couldn't not say something.
My feelings had been hurt and I felt used, betrayed and not good enough.
We had had a conversation about the two of us not too long ago where it was a case of we were happy being together and that we wouldn't be looking for or having sex with anyone else... (sort of a big thing for me...) So to come across that I... I'm not even sure how to describe it...I just felt deflated...like all the air had been sucked out of the room for a moment.

Now yes we know that I can sometimes over react to stuff, however, I think I handled it pretty well when we were talking (via text - which btw big fucking kudos to him for starting the response with - 'I can't respond to this in text, won't get it worded correctly...' - text is a tricky fucking format when having a discussion with someone.)

So we talked it out and I thought, ok well knowing now that it bothers me I'm assuming he'll change it.
I felt much better having the reassurance there that he in fact is not looking and is quite happy in this non-relationship relationship that we seem to be in...lol (whatevs everyone calls him my boyfriend and me his girlfriend... people seem to need labels...)

Fast-forward to a couple days later (i.e. Thursday evening - after I got home from going for a smoke with Piper), I saw on my 'friend feed' that he had been active and what not while I was checking my messages. So I went over to his profile to see that we now have a mutual friend and chuckled at myself at who it was/is, and then noticed that it still said that he was/is looking for a relationship.

Didn't even get mad...got really disheartened...though didn't even really say anything about it until earlier this evening (Sunday) before I was leaving.

It bothers me. Shouldn't it?
Think what bothers me the most is the fact that by saying he's available and looking for possible relationships it tells me (even if it's not meant to convey this message) that I'm not important. I'm not good enough. He's keeping his options open in case something else comes along. I'm short term.

I've been these things. To others, I've been the weekend fling. The 'until someone better comes along'. The 'you're awesome and great but we can't be together'. The 'I love you but you're too much...'.

I've been made to feel unimportant, and the dirty little secret. I don't like it. I don't want to be that any more. Just made me feel like he's ashamed of me.

I know he doesn't love me, he's been quite up front and honest about that. There's a difference though. I'm not asking him to put anything up about the two of us being together, but to just not advertise that he's looking.

In comparison to how I used to be this is definitely not me over reacting but actually I think handling it so much better, because at least I'm saying out loud to him what bothers me and why it bothers me. Much better then clamming up and saying nothing is wrong and stewing over it for weeks and being passive aggressively bitchy...

It's the first thing that has really bothered me in the last 9 months with him. Seems so very minute of a thing and yet...

 .... meh.


The house is coming along great for the hallowe'en party that we're throwing... Sugarbear and Myself are hosting, The Man has been awesome coming over to help me with decorating during the week...which sort of weirds Leethal out when she comes to help. I think she's still trying to wrap her head around our relationships. Last weekend, The Man came over to help Sugarbear with a
I personally love seeing the two of them together. Sure they are completely different, and yet have a few different similarities...probably how/why I love 'em both.
pool table. Then they headed to The Man's fathers house (45 mins or so away) to pick up a fridge and stove, then they moved a washer out to the road and moved the fridge and stove in... (The Man also came over in the summer-ish time to help Sugarbear build his deck) I told Leethal about the two of them working together on this stuff and she was just like 'Whaaat? I don't...what?! Really? They're alright together??'

Figured out some lighting issues thanks to Sugarbears creative thinking...so I'm feeling better about the light level in the house for the party. I'm getting really excited about how it's coming together.

Can't wait to post some pics of the finished product. I have people who can't make it to the party but they've asked if they could have a tour of the house when it's finished.

Went out with Sugarbear and The Man on Saturday, we were supposed to go see one of my favourite local bands, showed up at the place and it was packed and there was a big tent outside...didn't realize the kick off of grape and wine was going to be so big at this particular bar. So we got some drinks, listened to a few songs and then the tent portion was finished for the evening...and it was going to be impossible to get inside to the bar... so I'm hoping that we can maybe go next weekend to see them at another bar in town... 1st best part of my evening (the one that happened first) holding both of their hands whilst walking back to the car.... :)
If you want to hear about the other 'best parts of my evening' you'll have to subscribe to the R rated version...lol

....going to have to catch up in another post on another day...it's now getting on to 3:30 a.m.... I need to sleep...

Monday, September 15, 2014

Wowzers..too long...


I haven't written anything since like July... I'm not even sure where to start to tell you the truth.

SB and I are still doing the weekend thing...I'm still crazy about him and he still kind of drives me crazy...in good and bad ways.

The Man and I are still doing what we do...

The kids are still growing up and older and turning into interesting young men that I still adore.

Burton is still doing the 'living in California' thing and I hate it. I miss my wifey every day.

I miss the desert.

I've been decorating SB's house for a Hallowe'en party that we're throwing on the 25th of October. We just picked up our costumes the other day...we got a 'couples' costume...both being characters from a specific story/movie/video game... first time I've done that...

I can't remember if when I was a nun, the Man was the priest or if we had done those on different years.

Bing had a birthday.

I got a job... I don't like the job but I do have a lot of fun at work.

As I sit here typing this I am wearing a fez.

I got to play my first season of roller derby...the league is on hiatus at the moment...we're doing some restructuring...if things don't change I'll likely leave I'm tired of the petty bullshit that happens.

My body has ached every day since the beginning of July.

I need to go see Dr Awesome... I think I have the hip of an 80 year old woman.

SB has done things to me while in bed that I've never done with another person...which is saying a lot considering what his number is.

I miss Squasha.

I've been missing skating...haven't had my skates on since the 28th of August... it sucks that the league has to go searching out a place to call home during the winter months.

me. in a fez. crazy.

That is my lame attempt at a blog post this evening....