I woke up today with a start...because I had the strangest dream...

I was walking down the street talking to a friend, it was winter time, I slipped on a patch of ice, fell on my face and three of my front teeth fell out...ok that was strange...so I was walking along now headed for the dentist with these teeth in my hand...got there told them what happened...they told me I would have to wait a couple of hours til there was a break in his schedule...so I was sitting there talking with my friend and all of a sudden I felt another tooth fall out into my mouth...I spit it out into my hand...my friend was saying how odd that was...one by one all my teeth came loose and fell out...I rabbed a mirror...and looked aat myself and started to cry...thats when I woke up...

So of course me...I had to look up what that could possibly mean... pretty much dreams of any body parts falling off, coming off or what not...means that you feel that your life is in pieces... fucking wonderful eh? just what I needed....

*sigh*

pissed off someone very dear to me tonight... feel like I'm doing that constantly... I can't help it tho...I mean I could...I could just stop talking to them... it's just I need some questions answered... sheesh.. I can't help that I'm an emotional person... I think if I wasn't I would explode sometimes...
Anyway, gonna try my best to not be a bother anymore... I keep telling myself every night before I go to bed that I will stop bothering this person... and then boom I wake up, I end up on the computer...talk to them and next thing I know I'm bugging... I've considered a couple times just taking them off my list all together... but I think that would hurt worse... then I find myself apologizing all the time... gawd I hate myself so much at times...

I have all this hatred bottled up... I don't know where it's coming from... I don't know who its towards... but everyone seems to be catching the ass end of it...

seems like for one week (and I think y'all know what week I'm talking about) I am an emotional wreck...crying and wanting to be wanted and loved and cared for...and then the rest of the month I'm this person that is full of hatred and rage and I just want someone to get up in my face so that I can scream at them and possibly hurt them badly...

I don't understand why I've turned into this person...I really don't...

I seriously wanted to bash Shadow's brains in tonight when he came home from work...all because he didn't call to tell me there had been a change in plans... I wanted to scream at Night for all the unanwsered questions...

Sometimes I think it would be best to just pack up a bunch of clothes in a knapsack and walk away from everything... like everyone would be better off without me... not in the way of killing myself...thats not cool...but you know...just walking away from it all...
walking away from the family that annoys me...the family I feel I've failed...the family I've found on line... just walking away from it all... starting over... I'm a big girl I'm sure I could do something right...sometime... I keep getting accused of trying to run away from my problems...and I guess thats what you could call it if I did walk away... but when you just stop caring about everything...isn't that when you'ore supposed to walk away...isn't that when you're just supposed to say hey I tried and obviously failed...why go thru the hassle of doing everything over and over and over again... it just seems so redundent to keep putting yourself thru the same shite day after day after day...

seems like every "talk" every "argument" are all the same over and over and over again... sometimes I can't help it...sometimes I don't start them... sometimes I do...

I'm so bitter...and...angry...or irritated...all the time...

Shadow tried to tell me that I have really bad depression...lol if that isn't the pot and the kettle LMAO... you know what...maybe I do....maybe I don't... but if you were going thru all the same crap for the last couple years you would be too...

Yeah I get down at times...doesn't everybody? actually don't answer that...I thought everybody had aches and pains and what not like me all the time...and I got a big resounding no from a clinic... *sigh* oh well...

actually talked to Shadow about me joining the reserves... said I would be interested in joining the actual military if there was an out LOL... can we say "chickenshit"? LOL

hell they'd get me in shape tho wouldn't they...lol

Passing thought...might not happen...ok most likely won't happen... altho it would be neat...my grandpa was in the air force...

Was told tonight that I was a strong woman...I laughed...and answered yeah right...thats what it seems doesn't it...
I've been told that before...while sitting in a sub shop waiting for a sub... ;) was told I was a strong woman and could get thru anything... I doubted it then too... but I'm glad that some see me that way...

Gawd it's so foggy tonight...even tho it's midnight I think I may go take a walk down to the canal...

the soles of my feet are itchy again... probably because the party is coming up and I want to be there...
wish someone from around here was going...so I could catch a ride...but then again...no money to help with gas...

wow I really rambled tonight didn't I? ...wow I'll save you your eye sight and stop now...
namaste

*sigh* Yay today is Saturday... MARKET DAY!!!! woo hoo...

I couldn't really get to sleep again last night...*sigh* I think it was the naps fault...so I watched a video in bed...and afterwards came back in the livingroom for a smoke... I was keepin my butt in the room last night to keep it open for the regs... anyway ended up having a strange and unusual conversation with Night before he went to bed... I kinda wish he was like that more often so that I knew what he was thinking most of the time...LOL and we think men are simple...

I've come to the conclusion that every needs their own fantasy world... I always say to people who think that I have the perspective that the universe revolves around me... "No MY universe revolves around me, whether your's does or not is your problem"
Everyone has their own concept of reality...mine is more than likely different then yours... and thats ok...

So what to do for the weekend...hmm...well since I have access to a vehicle today I think we're going to go to the market in downtown... mmmm the Market...

Gambit wants to go to the park again this weekend and play some more soccer...wonder what kind of interesting conversations we'll get into this weekend...LOL well if there are any I'll let ya know ;)
I got some positive feedback from a couple of you saying that it was nice to see stuff like that... instead of me just ranting... LMAO

BTW for anyone who's wondering the story and I aren't getting along right now... it's on pause due to lack of ability to put some stuff in writing... *sigh* I'll finish it soon enough tho...

Should go finish getting dressed...Shadow will be back with the truck soon...
blog ya later

Egad...the nap didn't work...

I laid down at about 2 or 3 woke up to Shadow coming home from work at 5:20pm again...

woke up with a headache, back ache and an urge to kill...

anyway I can't concentrate worth shite... and I'm not feeling up to anything right now...

drugs are good... extra strength anything is good... probably why I can't concentrate...

the good thing that came out of today was finding out that I could post pics... the rest has been nothing but shit.

great day eh?

enh fuck it... blog ya later

Woo Hoo I figured out how to send photos that you can actually see in my blog... YAY me.

I'm not well today...I"m very tired and very drained from last night... we had one of our "talks"...*sigh* yeah... I'm not good today...

Which sucks I said I would do a bunch of stuff today and I just can't do it... maybe with a nap I'll be ok later...

btw thats my favourite pic (thanks to Night) of myself that I posted... I love black and white photos... their more merciful then coloured photos... lol

anyway... maybe I'll post one of my boys later...

namaste

Nice Black and White Close-up Of Me 

I absolutely love the smell of the air right after it rains...it's such a scent of cleansing....it smells great... and after the last week we're all definately getting used to that scent...

Shadow didn't go to the hospital the other day for his x-rays, he said that he was afraid they wouldn't let him out again...because he has been sick... coughing a lot, stuffed up nose and what not... he said "I figure it's about time for the SARS scare to start up soon again and I didn't want them quarentining me for 10 days. We can't afford that" I just looked at him and said..."Are you kidding me? if that starts up again I'm leaving. thats right we're moving the fuck out of here...I can't go through that again."

He did comment a few days ago at my mom's house that he wouldn't mind moving to Georgia... that would be cool. Unlikely but cool. I still wouldn't mind moving to Utah :)) LOL the third party wouldn't tho ...:P

Tigger is still looking at me with that thought provoking look...the lilacs are dead but Tiggers still there.

I got a new skin for my winamp today... Shadow will probably freak out...he said he wanted the classic one cause it will eat less memory...but she's so v=cute I love her...it's a black background with this very beautiful faerie standing there with her head facing down and to the right so you can't really see her face... and woo hoo she's blande ;)

I've been writing a story like I said in my other post, it's a story of the first day I met Night... I've been leary of letting Shadow read it... I think I'm writing our story for closure... that way I can get it out of my head and out of my way... I tried to get Night to help me out a bit to make sure of the order of things and such... he's helped a bit but I don't think he wants to LOL... It'll be a longtime coming before the entire story is complete but the first part is almost finished. I'm finding that as the story progresses it's getting harder and harder... not emotionally or physically or anything...it's getting harder to find the words to describe some of it...LOL yeah I think you know what part I'm at...LMAO When it comes right down to it... I think it's going to hurt Shadow to read it...*sigh* oh well

He apologized for being so emotional the other day...I told him he wasn't emotional...I told him he was an oversensitive cry-ass... it was mean but ya know what.... it's so true... hence the question came up again in my mind well what is it women want it a man?

We say we want them to be sensitive... we want them to be tough guys... we want them to be good looking... we want them to have a sense of humour... but we don't want them to be crude... we want them to know when we want to make love, when we want to fuck, when we want romance, when we want to be ravished from behind when cooking, but we want them to know all this without us telling them...
We definately are the more confusing of the two genders...

"Now don't just walk away pretending everything's ok and you don't care about me. I know it's just no use when all your lies become your truths and I don't care. Could you look me in the eye and tell me that you're happy now? Could you tell it to my face or have I been erased?"

I miss Aries... I want my kitty cat back.

can anyone honestly answer yes to that for me...

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW??

"Could you look me in the eyes and tell me are you happy now?"

I'm not.
Well I'm not going to lie. I'm not.

I miss my daddy...I wish I could see him.

"If you don't like the beach, then walk on by the tree"

Why wasn't it as easy as I was hoping it would be? Why couldn't I do it when thats all I ever wanted to do?

Could you tell that this one was going to be extremely fragmented? LOL I did...hahaha I didn't warn you this time...

"My beating heart wants you and my empty arms need you, don't you go, please stay and never try to send me away"

Gawd I love music... *singing* I especially love listening to music really loud so that it drowns out the rest of the world... actually I had it so loud earlier today I missed a couple phone calls... oops...wasn't important they didn't leave messages... oh well...

Enough of my babbling... namaste

Sorry I haven't blogged too much in the past few days... I've been writing a story during all the free time I have... I won't write while Shadow is here because I don't like anyone reading my stuff before it's done... I will pick and choose one person sometimes to read it while I'm writing it just to get some feedback... but usually I don't let many read it even when I'm finished... but anyway...so yes I've been writing...

If anyone is wondering the phone is back on... *happy dance* (I can't remember if I said that before)

hmm...Dr Phil has my attention right now so I'll be back later... damn you Dr Phil for having interesting shows...

I can't get to sleep and I feel bad...
I put a movie in at 3 am hoping to aybe fall asleep to it... ended up the only thing it did was wake up Shadow and now he can't get back to sleep either...

Now he's gonna fall asleep at work, be grouchy at role playing and then come home and complain cause he didn't get any sleep... oy vey

*sigh* anyway... I'm going back to bed now to see if I can get to sleep yet...

blog ya later :P

What do women want in a man?

A question that has been haunting women and men alike for all time...

I'm making it my new mission...I know I have other missions...(don't worry still trying to rid the world of bunny rabbits and trying to figure out how to put smileys in my blogs)

I'll take all the help with this one anyone wants to give...so send me pm's, emails, blog comments...tell me what women want in a man...in your opinion :D

I'll be writing in my thoughts on it a little more indepth later when I'm not making dinner... oh yes I have definately put some thought into this subject over the years ;) haven't you? LOL

So til then my lil minions...Muahaha... j/k :P

As the date draws closer still I get more and more down... All I want to do is to go see my friends... knowing that a lot of them will be all in one spot has made me sad... I so wanted to be there to see them...and party with them all for one weekend... I hate money... I really do... it always stops us from doing the things we really want...
With money... I would be able to go... Shadow has pulled the money out for me to do stuff before...but we just can't this time... it makes me cry...

That always seems to be the problem doesn't it?
talking to Shana about it earlier... If I had the money I could go on the trip... If she had the money she could get her new carpets...
*sigh*
Money The Root Of All Evil...

If Yan Can Cook So Can You!!

yes that show is actually still on the air... I friggin love Yan... and yes he Can cook ...LOL he has a sense of humour I've never seen on a Asian man... LOL

I'm introducing Gambit to the humour of Yan and his funny antics while cooking... So far so good he thinks he's funny too... yes my child is as weird as I am >:) Muahahaha

Yan just cut a carrot to look like a maple leaf...it was great... See the kind of television you Americans miss out on...LMAO

Its great I used to work in a Chinese Restaurant...(a lot of people don't know that about me) even tho I dragged my ass to work everyday saying I hated it... it was great when we didn't have customers (I know thats bad but...) I used to sit with Jean and Jian and they would tell me about when they used to live in China and they would tell me about some of their customs and about their language and such... I really enjoyed my time with them... I'm sorry that I ended up leaving... and unfortunately the last time I drove by... I don't think they own it anymore... either that or they changed the name... Anyway.. I used to walk into the kitchen and would be able to watch Jian and his father (who I never knew his name...he was always Dad) cook...it was like watching live action art...they used to work in unison it was amazing to watch...unfortunately tho if I stood and watched too long Jean would walk up behind me and yell at me for just standing around...LOL

If life gets you down...do as Yan says "Just Keep on Wok'ing" :D LOL

yeah I know I'm a fucking nutcase some days...what can I say I come by it honestly...

Finally figured out some of the computer shite...
I tried to do a virus scan of all the drives...nope it restarted itself again... so I decided I would do one drive at a time...C: done no viruses woo hoo D: nope it restarted itself... hmm... E: done no viruses woo hoo F: done no viruses woo hoo... so I said to myself "Self whats up with the damn D drive??" and myself answered with "dunno try to defrag it" Woo hoo I'm so smart sometimes... so I analyzed...hmm needs 15% of free space to defrag...hmmm we only had 14% available... so I deleted a few files... and started the defrag begged the computer gods to let it finish without restarting itself and went to bed... told Shadow what I was up to... when I woke up this morning he told me it finished the defrag and he was able to do a scan on it... oh yeah go me go me uh huh I'm good *doing the happy dance*

But anyway.. *straightening shirt*

shaved Gambits head this morning... then I shaved Shadows too...lol (yeah bet you can't wait to see him tomorrow) LMFAO

Anyway...since Shadow is out of the shower now I'll give him back the computer...

Not too much to complain about today...wow eh? LOL thats a first...

Today Gambit and I went out to the park thats down the street and played some soccer...kicked the ball back and forth... I gave him some tips for when he starts his outdoor soccer league which by the by is tomorrow... Dumb coach scheduling a practice on a holiday Monday...Anyway.. we were at a park that is a war memorial... so theres a big statue there of a soldier... he asked me about it (it was dedicated to the soldiers who died in the first world war) so I tried to explain to him the best I could about war... and I told him about all the people that went a fought and how lots of them died... he asked about why there isn't a war right now... and I explained that technically there is one going on, it's just that it's far away from us... so he went on to ask me if there is anyone still alive that has fought in any of the wars... so I told him that there were lots that were still alive and back home in Canada and in the United States... but reminded him that there were a lot that weren't either... he asked me if I knew of anyone that has fought in a war... so I explained to him that Shadow's grandpa (who is deceased...not because of the war) was in WW2...and then I told him how Night was in the United States military and he has been over seas a couple of times... and how he is at home now... (just so he didn't think that everyone I knew who had been in a war of some sort were dead) ...then of course came the big question... Well if the war isn't here then why do Americans and Canadians go over there and fight those people? followed by Why is there war? ...you just have to love the innocence of a 7 year old... some how after that conversation we got talking about adoption... he asked me what it was...I tried to explain that as best I could without making it seem like people who give their kids up for adoption are bad or wrong... because I don't believe they are... after all that deep intellectual conversation he just said Oh...can we go back to playing soccer now... LOL ya gotta love kids...

On the way to 7-11 to call my mom...we came to a busy intersection... Gambit pressed the cross walk button and looked over to the right... he said "Look Mom thees a baby bird in the middle of the road" I looked over and sure enough there was a little baby sparrow who couldn't fly trying to use it's wings to hop across the road...and beside it was a mommy sparrow hopping beside it chirping at it...every time a car went by the mother sparrow would fly up to the wire over head...and when the car was gone she flew back down to continue urging the baby across the road... I got a sick feeling in my stomach and took Gambits hand and said "C'mon hunny I don't think you're going to want to see what happens to that baby bird" and we walked across the street... we got to the pay phones...He asked if he could call grandma...so I dialed and gave him the phone...while he was talking to her I kept my eye on that baby bird and it's mother... somehow some way it made it to the corner of the sidewalk across the road...where the mother bird and baby bird were joined by another adult bird..I'm assuming the male bird... so I let Gambit know that the bird made it across the road and was ok...he seemed relieved...then gave the phone to me...which I then had to explain to my mom what I was talking to him about while she was trying to talk to him LOL

As a surprise for Gambit tomorrow we're all (Shadow, Mom, Myself and Gambit of course) going to see a matinee for Shrek2... Gambit let me know last weekend very nicely that he really wanted to see it in a theatre... because he was a big enough boy now that he will sit thru the entire movie...LOL again ya gotta love kids...

After we were done in the park and we were on our way back to the apartment... we heard that a boat was in the lock... so we went to the lock exit and sat on the bench there and watched it rise up to the canal level...(if you have no clue what I'm talking about look up Thorold at google.ca :P ) and when it was ready to pull out of the lock I took him over to the trail/parking area right beside the canal...(pretty much if you were stupid enough you can get right up to the edge and touch the boat as it goes by...) So of course (since he's 7) he started asking how the lock works...where the boats come from...where do they go...where do they come from... he was amazed at how big the boat really was...of course since he was standing right nect to it...LOL we waved at some guy that was on deck...he was nice enough to wave back...

So on the walk back to the apartment after the boat was gone... Gambit said "it's too bad Shadow didn't come with us I had fun today" I was so glad...

It was nice to know that he had fun and learned a few things from his mom today...

so all in all it was a good day out...

the moral of todays post is...if you have kids go spend some time just walking around with them... if you don't have kids...go borrow someones and take them out for an afternoon (the parents and the kids will most likely thank you for it)

It's good feeling you get when you know that someone has learnt something from you...

OMG Shadow decides today (Saturday) to actually format the computer and re-install everything... at 5 p.m.

then he was setting everything back up...

He saved all of email info so that he could just click a couple things and voila all our emails and folders and stuff would be back in there... So he does it with his...everythings fine... does it with mine...everythings GONE!! all the emails I had been saving and waht not...GONE... he was like "whoops how the fuck did that happen I did the same thing to yours as I did to mine" so I'm sitting there thinking to myself damnit if his second email account is fine then this is some sort of conspiracy...sure as shit he sets up his second email account...and poof all his emails and all his folders were right there..WTF is that about?? what the fuck happened to the coffee flavoured coffee...huh?? anyway...so yep thats gone... bye bye email... "so sorry I don't know what happen he says" grrr I do...life...Rae's life has come crashing down and proven that hers sucks donkey dick... *sigh* but I digress...

Waters back on YAY...happy dance...

Phone on the other hand *shaking fist* (thanks Craig ya dork now ya got me doing it) damn bastards don't fucking work on saturdays...and of course its a long fucking weekend...and they're only in the office during the week til five pm...which of course means I'm either going to have to deal with it or Shadow's gonne have to call from work... I would prefer the latter of the two ideas there... *sigh*

then of course I need to find a new cracked couple of ytunnel... the one that was sent to me ended up causing me to not be able to get on the internet for some reason...fucked up piece of crap...

I want to live in a place where all my friends live locally so that I can call them (when I have a phone) or go visit them...rather then them all living so far away...

Shadow thinks I'm not paying enough attention to him... at least thats what I suspect from some of his comments...
"You were down there for 10 days I talked to you all of four times...you come back here and make sure your available to talk to him every night" *sigh*
give it a rest I'm here aren't I?? Gawww

Hung up some pictures tonight with Gambit and Shadow's help... now I'm not looking at white glaring walls all day long...

It's so foggy tonight that I can't even see the beer store that is diagonally across the street from my apartment... I like walking in the fog... but I'm afraid if I get dressed and go out that Shadow will wake up and freak out cause I'm not here... It's bad enough that he's paranoid that one day he'll come home from work and I won't be here...
He's twice as paranoid when he's not feeling well...

And isn't it the rule that if a guy goes out shopping he's supposed to bring his woman home something...whether it's a special occasion or not?? hmm.. I was under the impression that was the rule... especially if he goes some place like the Green Earth...Bastard...I hope you feel guilty everytime you look at that Bast statue that you're gonna have on your desk :P

I'm writing a story...it was going thru my head last night as I was trying to go to sleep... I thought a couple times about getting up and starting it...but if I did that I would have been all passed out in the chair from exhaustion when Shadow got up... when I'm writing I don't tend to put it down until I know I safely can without going insane... It's My story... part of my story that is... the story that not too many people have been privileged enough to hear... Not even Shadow... He asked if he might be able to read this one... I'm still not sure yet... there are others he hasn't been allowed to read...

He's good that way tho.. he won't go into my journals (except this one), and when he reads this one he knows that these are my thoughts and if he gets offended by them...oh fucking well...this is what goes thru my head...But anyway...he doesn't go thru my paper journal... he doesn't go thru my poetry, he doesn't read my stories... and it's not cause he doesn't want to...cause I'm sure he does...he says he does...but it's because he respects my privacy and knows I'll beat him to a bloody pulp if I find out that he has done any of the above ;)
You chuckle at that...but...it's true... he asked me today why I'm so violent... I replied with "it's in my nature...I can't explain why I'm so cute and so violent...thats just the way I was drawn" ;;)
Yep thats me Cute but Violent...
and just think as I've been getting older I've been calming down more ;)

Anyway...back to my story writing I go...

The water Saga??

Well Shadow came back upstairs turned on the faucet in the kitchen... and went ewww.... went into the bathroom... I asked about the ewwness.... came out turned on the tap he told me to look at the colour of the water...

anyway it was kaka brown...

I asked what took so long cause he was gone about twenty minutes... he said "Frig I couldn't get out of there...hey man wanna beer? (shadow) no thanks man I'm allergic to it...oh dude sucks to be you....wanna smoke a joint? (shadow) um no thanks..."

Apparently as soon as the four drunk and apparently stoned guys found out there was some sort of "handy man" needed for something they all went in one direction... I'm not sure what happened... the tale gets a little foggy from there... something about the guy downstairs being sorry for stealing our cable and so forth...

I dunno it was a story about four drunks and it was being told by a guy who is so sick and exhausted that he could've fallen over at any second...
So I'm not quite sure what the rest of it was...
it doesn't particularly matter either my water is back on...my toilet flushes I'm happy....

Whatever Ergo's man told me to do last night to stop it from automatically restarting didn't work... *sigh* thanks for the help anyway guys...

Back to the grind with the werstling with the stupid ass ghetto machine... at least I got two trojans off of it before I went to bed...

Anyway Gambit and Shadow are waiting for me so we can walk in the rain over to the new market that is going to be in Thorold... Later Gators

I know that you were all on the edge of your seats wondering what happened to my water so I just had to tell you before I left... LOL Later

WOW... where the fuck do I start? hmmm...

I woke up today (Friday) and wasn't feeling all that well... So I did a little bit of arranging not too much cause everytime I bent over to pick something up I would feel dizzy and ready to vomit (mmm lovely piture eh?)

It was a nice quiet day which I was really enjoying... that is until I realized why it was so quiet...

about 5 pm I was thinking...damn I really should call my mother to make sure that she is bringing Gambit tonight and figure out this weekend... I picked up the telephone...started dialing the number... halfway thru dialing it I get this strange busy signal...hmm... hung it up picked it back up...no dial tone... Hello? Hello? hmmm... hung it back up picked it up... dial tone this time... very carefully punched in the number... again with the busy signal... tried three other phone numbers all the same thing.... FAAAWWWKKK.... the phone had been disconnected.... cock smoking mother fucking monkey fucking crack whore... Grrrr ok so pissed could chew glass spit it out and shoot someone in the head...

Finally calm down a bit Shadow comes home... forgot that he was going to the clinic after work...so was pissed he was late was pissed about the phone... because of course in my mind it's his fault...he has the money he pays the bills his fault it gets turned off...

cooled down finally by the time he walked up the stairs...

my mother shows up a little while later with gambit in tow... YAY the doorbell finally decided to work so she wasn't in the street screaming my name like last time... oh yeah...neighbours love us already...*shaking head*

for the last week I've been bitching about not having nails so I couldn't hang stuff on the walls... (btw been bitchy all week to anyone and everyone) so mom stayed and chatted for a bit...
that was nice...she's so blunt sometimes.. I love my mom.. I'm just like her for the most part...shhh don't ever tell Shadow I said that... LOL
So I told her to bring me some nails when she comes back at the end of the weekend...she said theres a hardware store right there go get a box of them for 80 cents... I just said yeah thanks I hadn't thought of that in my poor state of exsistence :P said bye to mom...came back in the apartment to the front room... we were talking all of a sudden Shadow looks out the window and says.. your mothers back... goes walking back out and down the stairs...comes walking back in with a small box of nails...woo hoo yay mom...

(on a side note while mom was here she filled my brita...saying something about its more useful actually full of water rather than sitting in the fridge empty)

So anyway finally ok mom's gone Gambit has had his bath...time for me to make dinner... of course had to spend 20 minutes deciding on what to make for dinner... so made pasta and chicken cutlets...filled the pot full of water put it on the stove to boil...chicken cutlets in the oven..pop a movie in... go to the bathroom... put pasta in the water...blah blah blah... call Shadow out to strain the pasta... he puts it in the strainer...goes to rinse it off... turns and looks at me and says...how did you fill this pot... I said by turning on the tap... he says which one... I said I dunno probably the cold water tap... he says this one as he turns and turns and turns the tap... nothing comes out... I said what the fuck? ... walked over tried the hot... nope nothing there either... I said what the fuck???...walked into the bathroom... tried both sink faucets...nothing...tub faucet nothing... FAAAAWWWKKKK no water anywhere in the apartment....
then it dawns on me... FAWWWWKKKK that means the toilets not going to work properly... ok back to being extremely pissed again... so we decide to wait a bit maybe its just a watermain and they usually fix those pretty quick...

ok so at one o'clock in the morning I notice that the dude that lives downstairs in the basement...his lights are on... so I put a shirt on..going trekking downstairs... I can hear music.. so I knock on his window...three times... oy... so I walk around to the back of the house... which is dark... go in and knock on his door... can hear the music even more now... still nothing...grrr I just want to know if he has any water in his place...
here it is three o'clock in the morning... I hear banging... not loud kinda of dull... I go check on Gambit... nope he's sleeping... oh yeah shit while I was there realized I hadn't done the toothfaerie thing yet... go grab a couple bucks...trade tooth for money... hear dull banging again...check on Shadow nope he's passed out (he's also sick) hmm what the fuck is doing the banging... I go lean out the bathroom window look down the stairs...sure as shit I see buddy downstairs lights are still on but now...oo ho ho... I hear talking and laughing... I come racing thru the kitchen... HEY Shadow YOU AWAKE??? (which he wasn't but he was now) so I explain that I can hear the guy downstairs and he has friends there... I'd go down and ask him myself but... 1. I don't know the guy 2. it's 3 am and finally 3. there's more than one guy in the apartment... "pwetty pwease will you get up get dwessed and go downstairs..." so he drags his sorry lookin butt out of bed got dressed and still to the moment of me typing this he's still gone...hmm should I check on him ...it has been 10 minutes... hmm maybe in a few more minutes...
I'll have a smoke first...

hmm ok done smoke now... and I can't even go check to see whats going on... because if Gambit wakes up.. he'll wonder where everyone is...

oh well... I'll fill ya in later on the water saga... or I should say lack thereof...

Rage... Hatred... Despise.... Anger... Madness... Insanity...

(Nappy Roots - Sick and Tired) <--- Good Song...

Have you ever noticed that it doesn't matter what tax bracket you're in... you have mney problems... think about it realistically...
How quick could you go thru a million dollars nowadays?

After laying into him last night in person and on my blog...he emptied his pockets this morning so that I could get a pack of smokes... hmmm

sat and watched a boat go thru the lock this afternoon... I'm always amazed when I watch them...I dunno why... most people can pass by while they are going thru without a second thought towards them... I'm not sure why I like watching them... maybe it's because I sit and imagine all the places they see in their travels...

As everyone knows I have itchy soles... I guess thats what happens when your ancestors were gypsies...and vikings ...LOL travellers on both sides...

I hate unpacking... especially when I have no fucking nails...I can't hang the things that need to be hung... and I hate it when I can't find a place for everything... and not having any help... oh ya had to know that was coming... :P

have I mentioned thta I don't like this apartment? ... I feel like I'm living in a tin can... especially after last night...
when we were at the house... if I got sick of his face or after/during an arguement I could go upstairs or go downstairs or somewhere... got into an arguement last night... no where to go... go in the kitchen could still see him... go in the bedroom... could still hear him breathing... I wasn't about to go lock myself in the bathroom... gawd knows two seconds later he would've needed to go pee or something...

why can't I stop crying...? days and days now... gawd I hate showing weakness... I hate cryasses... I hate crying for no reason... I hate being mean to him... (well only when he doesn't deserve it)

Last Night... (S=Shadow R=Rae)
S-so are we going to the picnic? R- you haven't told me where it is... S-At a park just outside of Milton... R-MILTON?!? S-yeah Milton... R- No we're not going to Milton...especially if we have to rely on others for a ride S-Zy will be there so it's ok for Gambit to come... R-no and I'm not going to try and borrow a vehicle to go that far either S-well they're trying to see how many are going so they can carpool R- NO not relying on others for a ride to fucking Milton...

This Morning (me half asleep)...
S- So do you mind if I go to the picnic in Milton? R-what? S-Do you mind if I go to Milton R- oh fuck I don't care do whatever you want... S- ok so thats a no than... R-*grumbling* S- they're also planning a trip to Canadas Wonderland... R-What? again too far away...and too expensive... S-well it's $20 thru work right now... R-again too far away not relying on others for a ride that far and not asking to borrow a vehicle to go that far...

there was something in there about my mother only having one vehicle this weekend as well...but I don't remember where that came in...

But c'mon why do I always have to be the bad guy??? we're supposed to be trying to save money... not spend it in the millions of dollars it would cost in gas to go to either place... I hate relying on other people for rides anywhere... because then I have to follow their schedule... What if I want to leave?? cant gotta wait for so and so to leave or want to leave... What if I want to stay??? ya see where I'm going with this... I don't mind going to peoples houses and hanging out...or going to a LOCAL park or something... I hate bars... I'm not a bar person and they cost money too... and he probably went to work and said "no we're not going to go...Rae doesn't want too" it's not that...it's Rae wants to save some money... *sigh* always makes me out to be the heavy...

anyway...must get back to work... and also must think of something for dinner...
gawd I'm just so drained and always so tired... *sigh*

Like I said..

The day isn't truly over until I get stark raving mad about something...

Shadow I love ya... just stop being an inconsiderate prick at times...

maybe ask how my day was... or something before throwing a fit when ya come home....

*sigh*

dropping it now...

Being a girl has it's ups and downs...

girls tend to me more openly insecure... about absolutely everything... I dunno if you can see that in my journal or not... but yeah it's true... we're more self conscious as well... about everything... evn the most rough tough stuck up hard ass broad out there is insecure about something...

right now I can't really think of ups...gimme a few days maybe I will...

have I ever mentioned that I hate girls? yep I do... I absolutely hate them... why? you ask... well because... I am one.. no I don't hate that I am one... and no I don't hate myself... I just know how clever,cunning, conniving, plotting, planning, devious, evil evil creatures... I hate them all...

I especially hate them if they like my men... yes I pluralized it for a reason... if they like my men... if they go near my men... and the worst...if they touch them... one of the reasons I pluralized it is because I've always been this way...ALWAYS!!! so it's been that way with all the men that I have coupled with...

I contain myself of course...because men don't always like it when you pee on them to mark your territory before they go off with the boys, or off to work, or off to where ever they have to go... but sometimes... just underneath the surface I'm ready to scratch off anyones face... but I can't do that either....cause then I'm the biggest bitch that ever lived...

oh well fuck it... I'm a bitch and y'all are gonna have to deal with...

with that being said....

I'm sick and fucking tired of whiney ass people too...

and I really fucking hate it when people repeat themselves OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER again...when trying to explain something...
if I don't get what you're saying the first time...repeating the exact same thing over again isn't going to make me understand it any faster...

and are you a fucking mascot or a pet...make up yer damn mind already :P LOL

and damnit get in the game and do your damn background...sheesh...

remember how I said that there are times that I hate you... well I think you should pick those times a bit better...like let's say in the morning...if you piss me off in the morning it probably won't be as hazardous to your health then lets say if you do it right before you go to bed... fucking doorknob...gawww....

and never ever ever tell me to go fuck myself... I already do that on a regular basis... DUH!! what kind of comeback is that??? seriously...

oh my I just admitted on my journal that I masturbate :O

bah like you guys didn't know that already...LOL

you just don't know how much :P *evil grin*

I HATE RUNNING LOW ON SMOKES!!!

*warning-probably going to be really fragmented*

New moon tonight... ritual time... woo hoo... a private ritual...because yes as you all remember from my last entry... no Shadow tonight til 11pm... good thing too... Mr Shadow is quitting smoking again for the new moon for the moonth... *sigh* I hate when he does this... he's usually moody... So yes as I was saying... private ritual tonight... that gives me a nice warm fuzzy feeling...

You know that cliche "it's best to love and lost then not to have loved at all" yeah thats fucking bullshit... I hate cliches... they're almost never true... at least not for me... I had to part with two items today... both made of metal... both dear to me in their own way... made me cry... oh well... you know the saying "it's in the mail" well today it literally is... he asked for the key back.. so I sent the key and the ring... in return I asked for my heart and my sex drive back... LOL sounds funny...but... *sigh* anyway...

Shadow had bought me a couple weeks ago a body spray from some girl at work... *Roll eyes* oy vey... this shit stinks... there is no nice way to say it... it's SUPPOSED to smell like Dragons Blood ....mmm... I smell I absolutely love.... Yeah right...this shit stinks like skin so soft mosquito repellant... obviously when you're used to working with pure resin and extremely high quality oils.. when you get something like this that is SO obviously an inferior product it's gonna suck... *sigh* needless to say I won't be using it as a body spary thats for sure... and he is SO not buying any more of their products...

Talking about smells...

I unpacked a box today that had a lot of my incense in it... powdered and stick... when the shop was open and I used to go to it all the time... I had overdosed myself on Nag Champa... to the point where the smell of it would make me want to vomit... I found a half used box of it in the bottom of this box... and at first I looked at it sideways.. becuase of the reaction I had gotten used of my stomach turning and what not... anyway... I inhaled the smell of it... and it brought back a bunch of old memories... so I decided to light some up... don't worry about me tho..I'm not dumb enough to make myself sick of it again... LOL

I miss my pagan brothers and sisters on occasion... I wish we could get together like we used to... too bad that theres politics in every community... *sigh* Sorry Tamara I tried... I really did... oh well such is life... remember change is the only constant...

I picked a couple of lilac blossoms on my way back up the stairs after sending the letter... I put them in one of my winnie the pooh dixie cups with some water... I made a good choice with the dixie cup... it's a picture of Tigger deep in thought...it's very cute... but is also very much like me... anyway... every so often the breeze comes thru the window and blows just a hint of the smell of the lilacs at me... it's very nice... (it's a good thing I was burning the Nag Champa in the kitchen) LOL don't think the two smells would go together very well...

It's funny how one grows out of different kinds of music... and then when they find it again...they think why did I stop listening to this...

My Crystals and Magick things are taking a lovely little sun bath in the window... they are loving being out of the stupid boxes...

I'm running low on cigarettes.... grrr I hate when that happens...

guess I should go find something for myself for dinner...

*sigh*

why does it seem like the day is not complete until I get stark raving mad at least once... then vent out all the anger and then thats when I feel better again...

I tell people over and over again to not let things bother them... don't read too much into things... don't jump to conclusions or decisions... yet (well except for the last one which only happens on occasions where I feel threatened) I do them all...

It's strange I tell ya... ODD!

nah it's human nature... is that really a good cop out... it used to be human nature to dig a hole and shit in it but people have stopped doing that on a regular basis haven't they?

Evolution...

Do you think we evolved from monkies? or do you think we crawled out of the ocean as a small one cell organism? or do you think that there was ONE god and he made everything including us?

Or maybe you are one of those far out thinkers...ONE god made everything including the primordial ooze we came from...he picked it up and shaped it into the "monkey" people that we have since evolved into... so there was an Adam and an Eve... however they weren't what people thought they were... they were more like cro magnan man instead of being more like us... he threw them out of the garden of eden because they were stupid and they then had to work for everything and over time they evolved and kept evolving... change is the only thing that is a constant... we're constantly evolving... hmmm ... Alright enough fucking around LOL

interesting day it was again today....
told ya about the phone call earlier... then went into the chatroom for awhile... got mad and disappointed about something that happened in the room on Saturday (which I wasn't here for) to someone that I don't know and yelled at people I'm not quite sure who cause they didn't say who did it...But hell you know me...any chance I get to drag out the soap box and scream a few screams and yell at people I'm there with popcorn and sodas ...LOL

I just like to be able to sit down and express what I think...NO REALLY RAE?? yep yep yep LOL

and apparently I did a good job of it too... I was commended on my writing :D *patting own back*

anyway so I sort of got my rant out already today just in a different forum... sorry to burst your bubble... didn't happen here...

I'm running out of smokes... I hate when I'm running low on smokes... it aggravates me... or as my sister would say (always using it in the wrong context) That irrates me... LOL gawd love my sister but damn she sucks at english...

I finally realized what was missing... I didn't turn my music on while I sit and type this... oh well... I'm almost done anyway...

I'll be all by myself again tomorrow... yeppers thats right folks it's roleplaying day tomorrow for Shadow.. I'll be here by myself til about 11pm or so...
If I know ya go ahead and gimme a call LOL

I think I'm going to take a trip back to that malkavian site I found tonight and laugh myself into oblivion...
I told Shadow this morning that when I grow up I want to be a malkavian ...LOL
(but shhh I hate roleplaying don't tell Shadow that I'm reading his books)

Later Gators

ok I tried adding a picture to my profile in here... yeah apparently you can't exceed 68 characters dumbass thing...

http://ca.f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/shadowchylderae/vwp?.dir=/Yahoo!+Photo+Album&.dnm=fc74.jpg

unfortunately thats how long the link was to go see my pic...LOL

and I really liked that pic too...

I was doing that to pass the time...because I had a strange phone call today...
I was sitting here talking to Night before he went to work on yahoo and we were talking about his latest art picture...phone rings...I tell Night I'll brb... I decide to actually answer the phone even tho I don't recognize the phone number...and the same numbr has called numerous times and hasn't left any messages...
so I wanted to see who the hell it was...

it was a guy from a clinic in Toronto... last time Shadow was at the doctors office we filled out these forms for this guy... seemed like a good way to pass the time while we waited... a couple weeks later we got these more indepth =questionnaires in the mail... the questionnaire/tests that we filled out were for whether or not you have symptoms of Chronic fatigue or Fibromyalgia or Migraines I didn't think anything more about it...well that is until this guy called... and told me that I have a lot... A LOT...of the symptoms for Fibromyalgia... I was stunned to say the least... so he explained what that was since I don't/didn't know what it was... he asked if I had any rheumatiod problems in the past... I explained how the doctor tested me for it before and said that it came back inconclusive but there was a chance that I had rheumatic fever (spent over a week just laying on my mothers couch because of it)... anyway... so he said that it is most likely that I have fibromyalgia... so of course I'm thinking great...what the fuck is next... anyway...so I have to go for a physical soon to my doctor so I'm going to ask him about it... in the meantime I looked up fibromyalgia http://www.arthritis.ca/types%20of%20arthritis/fibromyalgia/default.asp?s=1 there ya go... if you don't know about it...go ahead and educate yourselves...

god damn stupid mother fucking cock smoking monkey fucking crack whore I'm gonna fuckin chuck this ghetto ass piece of shit computer out the mother fucking window....


after waiting over a fuckin hour for the stupid thing to encode the stupid thing the fucking thing won't burn....

gawd damn it...

*sigh* I'm going to bed...fuck this shite

I HATE MY COMPUTER!!!! It's so fucking ghetto...I tell you what...

I'm trying to burn a video onto a cd...the encoding process is going so fecking slow I want to heave it out the window... at least I'm talking to Shana while I'm watching the stupid thing encode so I'm not going completely insane...

Gawd damn...I mean all I want to do is too watch my frigging porn bloopers video on the television...is that too much to ask???

Apparently it is...*sigh*

Shadow read my blog earlier and came into the bedroom and asked if I wanted to talk (I was watching a mmovie) I said No the he said after the movie I looked at my watch and said No (we had to leave for a meeting very soon at that point) he said after the meeting I said probably not... it wasn't until well after we got home from the meeting that he said something about it...and I realized then that he thought it was about him... I assured him it wasn't... It was about Night...

oh well...

My meeting tonight sucked ass... now I know that I really didn't miss going... stupid Lenny ruined a perfectly good day...asshole :P

Stupid Lenny... Stupid Ghetto Computer.... Stupid Heart...

"watch the sunrise, say your goodbyes off you go, some conversation no contemplation hit the road"

Good bye my dear friend that did so much for me...I wish you the best in your life...

Good bye my love... it was great while it lasted and I'm sorry that you have felt the things you have...

"I know I don't know you but I want you so bad..."

you say that I don't know the real you... but you never gave me that chance to decide for myself whether or not I would still love you and accept you for who you are..

"Everyone has a secret oh but can they keep it? no they can't"

you keep your secrets and you keep hiding from the world... and maybe I'll catch ya the next time around... this was the shortest ten years I've ever seen...LOL you knew I was going to say something about it...

I'm sorry for everything... you said no apologizes needed as I've also said to you.. but that doesn't mean I'm not...

thank you for the extremely fond memories I now have... over time they will hurt less and make me smile more... but right now they will only make me teary eyed... cause I'm gushy ;) LOL

I'm not sure why I'm typing this in my blog since you don't even read it...but I guess it's better that I get this off my chest without sending you another email...

*sigh* Good Bye

ok...now that that's over with... *bending over and picking up the pieces*
what was I going to say...

I don't know... I really don't... I was hoping that it would be easier than this... but then again after the last few months I've had why should I deserve anything the easy way...

maybe if I vent the self loathing it will go away sooner...

I was a stupid idiot on Saturday...I locked the keys in the van when we stopped at the grocery store... Shadow tried to console me...I was furious... I wasn't furious because of actually locking them in the van... I was furious because everytime I do something stupid people have a tendancy of rubbing it in when ever they have a chance...
one week after I got my beginners.. I was backing out of my driveway...and accidently hit a parked truck...that was two years ago....they still won't let me live that down...so I was furious that I gave them more fuel to point out my flaws...

*sigh* oh well...more later...

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older,
their conversational skills will be as Important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep
all you want.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams
don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the
only way to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer,
smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve
great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for
others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate
steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in
your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Friday- went out for dinner with my mom and sister...

Saturday- went to a birthday party with Shadow...

Sunday- went to my mom's for dinner...

maybe I'll be more wordy in the morning...

sometimes I just look at you and wonder how it ended up this way...
there are times I look at you and hate you in a loving way...
and then theres times I gaze at you and wonder where we'd be...
if only I'd love you the way you need to be...
I sit and wonder where I'd be without you in my life...
I love you oh so much from the time I first saw your face...

"they" say there is a fine line between love and hate...and I think that I have come very close to balancing right in the middle of it...in several situations of my life with many different people... love is love no matter how you look at it...no matter if it's between parent and child, lovers, family and friends...it's all love...but for everyone that you love there is that fine line between you and them that is the love/hate line...and with so very many people in my life I do feel like I'm walking a love/hate tightrope...

and that line from a song that goes "love isn't love til you give it away" well now thats just plain stupid... how do you love yourself if you have to give away your love?

I'm still fasanated at this whole not using my voice during the day thing..I'm liking it... I'm relishing the thought of not having to talk during the day... I know I'm strange... it's just it makes me think more when I'm not busy sitting there yakking about nothing...

I sit and watch some of the traffic go by while I'm sitting at the window trying to get a breeze...I sit and think..and think about what to think about and I think about life and love...oh boy I think a lot about love...I think about those I do love

Do you realize how much you piss me off? how much you frustrate me? you're gonna ask me about this part later when you get home and read this and realize its about you... having a conversation today with a friend on the phone... I realized just how much I hate you sometimes... this weekend...yeah about this weekend...you rolled over like a pussy and took it up the ass when it came to us... this was one of the first big tests in this trial period and you fucked it up big time...MAJOR....huge... I thought you wanted one thing but by you agreeing with him about saturday you made me think that you don't want me to get to know them at all... you like having your own little world that doesn't involve me... you like having us at odds... you'll show them my tits but you won't introduce us formally... thats fucking sick and retarded... all I have to say is at least while I was gone... someone was proud of me... proud to show me off and introduce me to everyone... not ashamed of me... and thats exactly what it seems like you are... tension? of course there would be some tension... uncomfortable? of course I'm going to be uncomfortable... I DON'T KNOW THEM!!! ... I'm uncomfortable with everyone I meet for the first time.. aren't you?? you make me feel like I'm supposed to be a hermit... I wat to be a hermit because thats what I've decided... I don't want to be one because thats what you've decided.. you make me so angry... do you even know who I am? after yesterday I'm not sure I know who you are anymore... so you go ahead and go run off with your little friends... the ones you spend more time with than me... you go.. have fun... sitting around at someone elses home... with someone elses family.. and while you're there I'll be sitting here... wondering what fucking time you'll be walking in the door THIS time... I hope you choke on a piece of fucking cake...

Remember that fine line I was taking about a little ways up... yeah well at this moment in time..I fucking hate you...

(this is what happens when I start thinking about how people make me feel)

People will forget what you said...
People will forget what you did...
But people will never forget how you made them feel...

thats one of my favourite sayings...let it be a warning to you as well...

A friend of mine and I were joking around about ways to release frustrations...she said that lately hers has been blasting people...mostly men...innocent, unsuspecting men.. just blow up on them... I replied with "no man is innocent"...

*sigh* whew...ok I think I'm feeling better now...
I'm going out for dinner tonight with the family...good thing I vented that now...cause I'll probably have to come back tonight and vent about my family...gawd sometimes it's so difficult dealing with them...*crossing fingers* maybe tonight will be different...Later

the cigarette butts are collecting in the ashtray... I should empty it out soon...

I need some air... I'm feeling stifled... smothered... drained... all in all I feel like KaKa... easiest way to put it I guess...

I'm liking not using my voice during the day... gives me a chance to hear myself...
I"ve been bugged about not using my mic in the chatroom... I dunno it just doesn't feel necessary anymore... I played music for them today... so they said well now that we know you have your mic...are you going to talk to us... nah I typed... I listened to my music and I typed... if I used the mic it was only because I had something important that I wanted them to hear... found when I don't use my mic a lot they listen more when I do use it... it's like having a captive audience...

In real life... hmm no scratch that... in my outside life... I don't have that... never have... people constantly interrupt me... even if I complain about it or ask them not too... they still interrupt... thats a very bad habit... it's worn off on me...it's almost like their behaviour has made me think that the only way to get heard is to interrupt... what makes them think that what they have to say is more important then what I have to say... they don't... they don't shut up long enough to see if I do have something important to say... because to them anything they say is more important then anything anyone else has to say...

I guess thats why I hide away in the chat room... we're polite to each other in our own way... we take turns talking on the mic... if we "bump" into each other on the mic we always apologize... if someone interrupts and starts stepping on someone... we curse them out for being rude... obviously it's not a paradise...we have problems just like the outside...so and so doesn't like this person... or this person said this about that person... but we resolve it or those folks just don't talk to each other... we've made our own family in that room... our own family of misfits, perverts, freaks and weirdos... I wouldn't give them up...I love them all... because we help each other out and look out for one another... and it doesn't matter to us that we are in different parts of the world...

People don't understand why I can chat so much and get caught up in it... it's because I've finally found a place I can call home... that sickens some...and even the people I chat with would shake their heads and go "huh?" but thats the jist of it... I barely feel right in my own skin... for the most part I feel lost and unwelcome... certain people try they really do to make me feel at home and loved and cared for... you know what tho.. I feel like I can manage that part myself...

it's the almighty dollar I loathe hate and can never manage... I know how... in theory... but I always fail the practical... especially the getting and maintaining part... I'd be great if I was independently wealthy... but then again wouldn't we all ...LOL

Have you ever kissed someone and felt as if you kept kissing them you would melt into that person?
I have...

Have you ever shared an intimate moment with someone and wished you could freeze all time?
I have...

I woke up at one point this morning...had a beautiful thought....not even a thought it was a memory... a recent one... made me tear up a bit...and smile at the same time... I held onto that thought as I rolled over and went back to sleep... (Gawd the love in his eyes...)

I really like not talking... I prefer to putter quietly...

Shhh.... try it... you'll hear yourself better... I promise...

AGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!


I CAN'T SLEEP!!!!


IT'S TOO FUCKING HOT IN HERE!!!

I HATE THIS!!!!

SO I think I'm becoming a hermit...

I don't feel like going out... I barely go anywhere... unless its grocery shopping or walking to the store...

I barely see any of my friends... I barely call them even... I am more than happy to talk to them when they call me but I never really make an effort to call them...

I feel bad... but I haven't done anything to change it...

I've withdrawn into myself... and essentially don't want to come back out again...

I always feel like my family are asking too much when they want me to do things...

I just want to be left alone but not alone...

I hate it when people expect stuff from me...

It sucks but at the same time thats what I want...

I love my friends and family... I just like it better when they call to say hi or how ya doin and so forth...

today I have been by myself all day... I've had my computer when I want to talk to people and my phone has rung a few times...but other than that it has been nice and quiet and will remain that way until about midnight or so...
I haven't had to talk to anyone that I didn't want to talk to... If I didn't feel like talking I just logged off my computer... nobody here...so I haven't felt like I have to talk...I didn't feel obligated to talk... I just puttered around did what I want...moved some stuff about...didn't listen to music...which is strange for me as y'all know...
It's been nice...I could kind of get used to this...

Walking to the library two little girls said hi to me..I was polite said hi back...on the way home I was on the other side of the street...they said hi again...I smiled and said hi back...then the one looked up at me and said how are you today...I smirked at her and said I'm fine thank you...she didn't ask just to be nice...I could tell by the look on her face she really wanted to know how I was...
it was nice...

. o O (Alone...hmmm I think I could do it)

I feel like I'm lost...
I'm off wandering in the depths of my own mind..
yet theres nothing familiar there...

when I think I have it figured out...
something comes along and makes it spin...

I sit and wonder what's going to happen next...
People are waiting on me...waiting for me...

I don't know what's going to happen...
I don't know what I'm going to do...

Stop looking at me with that look in your eyes...
That look that says "you owe me this much"

Stop looking at me with that look...
that look that says "I'm sorry I deceived you"

Time does not heal all things...
Time does not make things go away...
Time does not heal a broken heart...
Time just hardens the scabs on the wound and turns them into scars...
thats not healing...

Feelings aren't easy...
they're not things that one can easily describe...
what describes feelings the best are memories...
do you have any of those of me?
I have them of you...
I have them of me...
I have them of us...
Do you?

I Love You...
I cherish those feelings...
those emotions...
those memories...
Do you?

Do you wonder about me?
About what goes thru my mind?
What I feel in my heart?
Do you wonder about what I think about?

I wonder if you wonder...
you never ask...
and it makes me think you don't care...
Do you?

First off thanks Zeppy for helpin me out last night to get the comment form so that people can spout off at me if they want too :D

At this point I dare anyone to comment >:) oh yeah thats right go ahead and judge me by sending me a comment...LOL

I have the shakes today...probably because I haven't eaten very much today...and I have been slowly injecting myself with small doses of alcohol...ummm...mmmm thank you brandy chocolates...yummy...I loves them...they are yummy and sneaky...LOL

and I stil need something to eat...cause now I'm not slwowly injecting it anymore...now I'm out and out drinking...starting with killer koolaids...and if I still need something after those...I'll break into something else...thank you small liquor cabinet :D

I just gotta tell ya I hate living in limbo...I hate making others live in limbo...I hate when others make me live in limbo...yeah huh...it sucks major donkey dick...LOL

Shadow is installing a usb hub while I'm writing this...lol...it's distracting :))
It's fuckin with my music...damn I need to upgrade this piece of shit computer...soon...oh well...too much other stuff needs to be done first...

I need my music when posting...Hey Mama sounds funny when it's being played in slow speed cause of this stupid thing...

"I'll never leave you behind or treat you unkind I know you understand"

omg it took me long enough to find that line of a song for a person who won't even ever read this LOL

"I know you like to think yo shit don't stink,but lean alittle bit closer and see if roses really smell like poo poo"

Ba ha ha ha no thats not from the same song...but yeah it's for the same person

why do I do that...put little messages in here for people who won't even read my damn blog?? Glutton for punishment?? maybe...oh well such is life :D

what the fuck am I doing with my life??
well right now I'm fucking up other peoples apparently...

when you want something bad enough how far are you willing to go to get it??
me if I had to I would walk the planet living on bugs and rain puddles to get what I want...apparently others aren't that passionate about things that they want...oh well...fuck them.

Today is my Daddy's birthday...I think instead of calling him I should just send him a email...I'm not going to be in any shape to be talking on the telephone...and he would be wondering why it is I'm drunk as a skunk on a Tuesday...LOL and I would have to say...when you have nothing to do the next day...what the fuck does it matter what day you get drunk on? well seriously tho...I can unpack with a hangover...I can search for a job online and chat with my friends with a hangover...when ya never leave your house and are a constant fucking hermit it doesn't matter no way no how...

If I could find a job that I was good at it would be talking....rambling...talking...chatting... but it would have to be with people who aren't stupid.... I hate stupid people... they shouldn't be allowed to breed...

There's nothing like hearing someone whisper in your ear during love making "I love the way you move"

Emotionally hindered people need to be put into a small tub filled with angry scorpians until they cry and spill evrything... all their problems all their feelings all there hopes fears...EVERYTHING

. o O (hmm thats not fair I fall into that category)

mmmmm Moby.......Flower...... good fucking beat...BA HA HA...literally it's a good beat for fucking too as well...but thats not what I meant...LOL

Random thoughts are fun...

Living in limbo sucks fart popsicles on a summers day...

Yes Shadow I am actually still sitting here...still posting my blog...wondering when you get to crack yet?

Blogging and Drinking...Is that Legal? If I'm not careful someone will read this assinine post and make it illegal...LOL

Is it bad that I'm starting to not care anymore...?
or is it that I care so much that I'm going numb?

Numb...now thats a word that I wouldn't care if I heard ever again...same with confusion...Numb Confusion...they can go take a flying fucking leap :D

I need to figure out a way to insert actual smiley faces in my posts...my next mission...
after I finish the mission I'm on now...which is to wipe the world of all bunny rabbits....they're evil...they make me stuffed up and sneeze ...

This has got to be one of the longest posts I've ever made...

I need a fuckin FAN....GAWD!!! it's so friggin hot in this tiny little shoebox apartment...

"You do something to me that I can't explain"

I think that I might go and watch a movie when I'm done this post...

I warned Shadow that I might be getting frightfully drunk tonight ;;)

I just got out of the shower about an hour ago and I already feel like I need another one...gawd I'm fat...or it's the alcohol...or it's both...

*sneeze* damn rabbits...

"Mama put my guns in the ground, I can't shoot them anymore, that long black cloud is coming down"

Man I'm tired and I need a really good massage...

I think I've monopolized the computer long enough...

Maybe I'll write later...if I can see...

"The priests and the friars behold me in dread, because I still love you, my love and your dead... I would still be your shelter from rain and from storm"

ok so I tried adding a comment thingie so that anyone who actually reads this can make comments about what I've written...not that I'll give a fuck too much about what you have to say...however I'm not sure it worked...LOL

Ok just so you know the post that I made earlier..I have no idea where it came from...I woke up and that was going thru my head and wouldn't leave til I posted it...I'm assuming it was in one of my dreams but I can't for the life of me remember what my dreams were about last night...

I was tired but I couldn't fall asleep until 5 am...egad I know...and then the phone woke me up at 9:20 this morning...thanks a lot Paulie...but anyway...I don't mind too much I haven't talked to him for awhile...he was just checking in on me...

It's actually been quite funny for the last week and a half...answering the phone that is... because I'll answer the phone like anyother human being..."Hello?" and what have I been getting lately..."Oh you did come back?" LMFAO...yes amazing isn't it that I could and would actually come back...and for that matter if I didn't come back and Shadow had of answered the phone what would they say then?? this is how it goes in my imagination Shadow "Hello?" Person Calling "Uh hi is Rae there?" Shadow "No she is in South Carolina now" PC "Oh ok I was just checking to see if she came back or left you" Shadow "No she left and isn't coming back for awhile" PC (al embarassed) "oh ok sorry man...uh...well...I...guess I'll let you go then..."
LMFAO I shouldn't laugh but...I'm twisted and warped and to me it's funny...like seriously people...gawd...

But anyway...thats my twisted post for now...might write more later...

Do You Wipe Out Before You Kill A Bunch Of Mother Fuckers?

*sigh*

Well today was Mother's Day ...but you never really would've known it at my house...

Shadow said Happy Mothers Day when I woke up and Gambit said it after I found my mothers day card...got to talk to Keenan on the phone...got him talking by making him say Oompa...LOL gawd thats cute when he does that...

at the end of the call he was crying...that made me sad...I know he misses us... we miss him too...

Anyway... wtf is a super-man-stealing-whore-girl anyway?? oh well...

I love watching peoples faces as the get all screwed up with confusion...LOL
The phone rings today...it was my ex...Shadow answers the phone...and then his face got all screwed up from confusion when my ex didn't ask to talk to me ...but rather wanted to talk to him...LOL...

What was even more odd was watching Shadow help my ex with his math homework...talk about feckin' strange...LOL

Damn ... someone just pointed out that I lead a life that talk shows would love to film...
and I guess when you break it down it is kind of a real life Jerry Springer life...
oh well...people will just have to deal with it...altho now I am starting to wonder how much Springer pays his guests..LOL

Little Bunny Foo Foo I Can Really See You, Sucking Up the Guys You Meet, and Spitting Them on the Street...roflmfao

Omg that was too funny...I'm really quite warped right now...

But anyway...

I gotta stop drinking when I'm typing my blog for the night..LOL I just get kinda strange...

"So I don't have to go *poof* whatdaya need? *poof* whatdaya need? Oh to be free..."

there's my quote for the day...LOL

right then...ok...where was I? ...ahhh yes...I was saying good night...

GOOD NIGHT!!! *laughing*

Yay I'm home....

Gambit got second place (his team) in his division...the last game was REALLY close went into two overtime periods...he's so proud...we all are...he got a little trophy...his first ever in anything so he's happy :D

Thats really all I have to say right now..

ok so sometimes I wonder why I bother staying up to talk to him when I talk to him for less then ten minutes and then he goes off and is doing something else...sheesh...MEN!!

anyway...on a more positive note...I got an early Mothers Day present....Shadow bought me the Maroon 5 CD... that was really nice of him... I have most of the songs downloaded on the puter already but...he said that was one of the reasons he bought the cd..I haven't found a Maroon5 song I don't like yet...

Got some more stuff unpacked today...altho it really doesn't look like it...Gawd I hate moving...first ya pack all the shit into boxes...then within the next two days your supposed to unpack all the shit out of the boxes you just packed them into....I hate that it's frustrating...it just seems tedious and stupid...

Shadow also bought a compact USB 4 port hub today so we aren't having to unplug the cam to plug in the printer...YAY...making life easier is always fun...

I feel like crap today... I woke up feeling like someone shot me thru the head...so I took a major muscle relaxer and went back to sleep....when I woke up I felt a bit better...but I just took another one about an hour ago...hopefully I'll feel better in the morning...Gambit has a soccer game ...it's his last indoor game...Gawd I need to lose some weight...it would probably help my whole back pain situation...

Anyway..I could complain some more about other stuff...but I'll leave it for now...if I do all my complaining in one night...what would I write about tomorrow :P LOL

G'Night

You Are F***-able!

And boy do you ever take advantage of your do-ability. And why not?

If you can score, why not go for it? And no matter how many steamy affairs you have...

Well, you always seem to find more. And no wonder - you are hot from any perspective.

Hot attitude, hot appearance, and hot passion equals tons of hot screwing!



Are You F***able?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

You are a SHAMELESS Flirt!

Some might consider this kind of flirt a borderline whore.

You, on the other hand, see it differently.

This kind of flirt is bold, fearless, and brave.

Your brazenness pays off in other areas of your life.

You get promotions and lucky breaks.

And even if your efforts aren’t always successful, there’s another factor that’s in your favor:

You, O Shameless One, know how to have fun!

Kick your heels up, or kick them off entirely.



What Kind of Flirt Are *You*?

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You Are An Introvert! You're not necessarily anti-social, but you do tend to need a lot of alone time. You tend to think before you talk, which doesn't make you the loudest person in the room. While you aren't outgoing, you are a good listener - and you tend to be a loyal friend. And you enjoy your friends as much as any extrovert does, in smaller doses. You're more of a conversation over dinner type than a party animal... and so are all your friends.. Are You An Extrovert or Introvert? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

You'll Get Caught Doing it In the Wilderness!

Unlike girly girls, you don't mind dirt, sweat, or grime.


You are are into natural men, and you love the way they look and smell.


You love the peacefulness of being outdoors and would never consider yourself an indoor person.


You especially dig the risk of getting naked outdoors.


You love the feel of the air on your naked body, and you love the fear that a stranger might be watching.


Your heart thumps, waiting, silently. Who is it going to be?


You have a secret fantasy of getting taken against your will.


You spend so much time outdoors that you know how and where to run away.


But, would you want to?



Where Will You Get Caught Having Sex?

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You Are an Oral Master!

If going down were a class, you'd be an A+ student.

You've been known to do anything - from deep throat to ass licking.

Your oral can get almost anyone off...

Too bad you're not flex enough to try it on yourself!



How Oral Are *You*?

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Yep I Love Quizzes :D

wow so ok the move is almost finished...went back to the "old" house and threw everything that was left over into the dumpster which had finally been emptied... that was a bone of contension for a couple of days...landlord said it would be emptied on monday...yet alas we show up and it wasn't emptied...oh well...so we didn't get over there yesterday to finish the stuff that needed to be done because we were like god and we needed a day of rest...well ok that and it was Shadow's birthday...
So we stayed in bed most of the day...then I made him brownies for his birthday (he doesn't like cake) so I found the brownie mix in and amongst all the boxes of crap we have here...then had to find the mixing bowl and the oil...so yeah made brownies...watched movies then he decided to crack for a bit....then ate some supper then I kicked him out of the bedroom,,,he was going to crack for a bit then decided after he had logged in that he didn't feel like playing so he amused himself by room surfing on yahoo...all the while I cleaned up some of the bedroom...set up candles all over the room...got all made up in an outfit he bought me a long time ago (yes something sexy) I popped in one of our many "adult" movies...came out told him to close his eyes and I guided him to the bedroom where we laid on the bed and watched porn :D (uh huh yup thats all we did :P)

Anyway...

Today was a slow kind of day too...Shadow let me sleep til I wanted too...which apparently was when the phone rang and Krammit called...I vaguely remember talking to her...hung up the phone rolled over and curled back up with Magilla (my gorilla Night bought for me) and went back to sleep...having some strange and disconnected dream fragments...

Then I got out of bed..had my shower...came onto yahoo while I did my hair and ate some of the brownies I made...then Shadow headed to the library to return some videos we borrowed...he asked me to go with...but I wasn't ready...so he went without me...which was good cause the phone rang and it was my sister letting me know she wasn't going to make it tonight...so Shadow came back and we went over to the house to throw the rest of the shite out... however unfortunately we had to leave a couple of things there which we will have to make sure to pick up tomorrow...my trampoline and a big bag of clothes that need to go to good will...and I have to take the keys over to the landlord and get a cheque from him...he's buying our fridge, stove, and freezer from us...blah blah blah I know bunches and bunches of mundane stuff in my blog tonight...oh well deal with it :P

Oh Shadow let me put his hair in two french braided pigtails before he went to bed...tee hee hee...he was so purdy...lol...actually its strange cause it looks good on him...I swear to make some extra cash he should start doing drag queen shows...he's got the nails the legs the ass the hair and the bone structure to pull it off...LOL he'd never go for it again...LOL oh yeah you read that right I said again...

In highschool he lost a bet to me and the rules were if he lost he had to let me dress him in drag and walk him thru town...he lost...he walked thru town...the fricken bastard got more looks and whistles then I've ever gotten...but it was fun and funny...

but it's getting late I should go I still need to call Night before I go to bed and I need to finish my nightcap...(mmm yummy baileys)

I'm so fucking tired...

been moving all of our stuff for two days...down to storage or over to the new apartment...

me feet hurt, my back hurts, my legs and arms...I have bruises and bumps...and my head hurts...

I figure I'll complain here that way no one can tell me to shut up...or start to compare how they are feeling in comparision...I'm trying not to verbally complain because the others have been doing more than me...but once they're done moving all the stuff I'm the one who is left at the end of the day to unpack and put the stuff away...so I have a right to complain too...it just seems like they always minimize how I'm feeling by comparing...so here I can complain all I want and frankly I don't think anyone who reads this is going to care too much anyway...

this is a huge change...we're moving from a 2 storey 3 and a half bedroom house to an upstairs 1 and a half bedroom apartment....LOTS of stuff is going to storage...bare minimum here at the apartment...and you'd be surprised what the bare minimum is too us...LOL we have no furniture here except our beds and diningroom set...we'll be using our lawnchairs in the livingroom they are the ones that fold up and go into the bags that can be carried over your shoulder...most of my life right now is sitting either on the bottom of a dumpster or in a storage unit...
I'm so tired I feel like I could go back to sleep again...gawd why the hell does my head hurt so bad...
oh well back I go...
Shadow just got off work and will be meeting me at the house to finish up tonight...