Friday, October 31, 2014

Weigh-In Retake #2

I was so not looking forward to today's weigh in which is a a day or so early but whatevs...

I have been eating like shit for nearly 2 weeks... I know that the measurements of today are going to reflect that and I know it's going to make me unhappy...

I know it's going to affect them because... I've been feeling ill (not sick) for the past 4 days... headaches, joints hurt, breathing gets laboured and my heart has acted up a couple of times...

Sounds like the good ol days...(not so good ol days)...

So... new month... new plan...actually just more like no more excuses of "It's Hallowe'en!!"

But I digress and am stalling...

As usual info in the brackets will be gains and/or losses for the last 30ish days...everything is in inches...

Ankles - L 8.75 (-0.25) R 8.25 (-0.25)
Calves - L 16.25 (-0.25) R 16.25 (-0.25)
Thighs - L 23.5 (-1) R 24 (-1)

Wrists - L 6 (-0.5) R 6.25 (-0.25)
Forearms - L 10.5 (+0.5) R 10 (-1)
Biceps - L 14.5 (same) R 14 (same)

Hips - 46 (+0.5)
Belly - 44.5 (+2.5)
Waist - 37.75 (+1.75)
Under Bust-  35 (same)
Over Bust - 42 (-2)
Neck- 15 (same)

I knew my belly and waist were what was going to be the major change...when eating what I'm not suppose to that's where it goes first...

Thursday, October 30, 2014

On Sunday Night I Had A Baby...

I gave birth to a beautiful tiny baby girl who weighed 6 pounds and 12 ounces. She has a cute button nose, big blue eyes and ginger coloured hair.

On Monday, I rocked with her in a rocking chair and nursed her until she fell asleep. I changed her bottom. Gave her kisses and held her as much as I could.

On Tuesday she went up to the next size for nappies and her hair had grown longer and started to turn into little ringlets at the nape of her neck.

On Wednesday I went roller-skating with her strapped tightly into a snuggly and she made little giggly sounds as she felt the wind. I held her tight and nursed her often. Her eyes have started turning from blue to green.

And every morning I wake up and she doesn't exist.'s been an interesting week so far in dreamland...each night I have had a dream about this baby.
Gave birth to her Sunday night in a dream and each night since she's gotten a little older and I've been raising her, no idea whose baby she is, haven't given her a name, and it's always just the two of us in the dream.

Last night she seemed to be around the 2 month old mark so not exactly sure how she was making giggly noises but... yeah...

It sort of makes me want to take a nap to see if the dreams are going to keep coming or not... I figure though that after 4 nights I should write something down about them...for it is interesting that it's not a recurring dream of any's actually more episodic in nature...

And truthfully with the dark times here once again it sort of makes me wonder about messages coming through...

That's about what she looks like...

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Other Things...

Well now that that last post is out of the way I may actually be able to talk of other things.

I know that we're heading into the dark times again, it's that time of the year again. But holy shit it's sort of coming on with a vengeance this time. So many deaths, and dying going on right now that I'm feeling very empty and hollow. Like someone pulled the plug without telling me and I'm suddenly just completely drained. Being around most people is annoying me. What most people are saying is annoying me. I love Autumn, but when we head into the dark times I just want to crawl into a comfy bed and snuggle with one of my men and just say fuck it to the rest of the world.
However, Life doesn't lend itself very well to that idea, it requires me to get up out of bed and do stuff.
Sometime I would like to just stay at home (and for the most part in bed) for an entire winter. Doubt it's doable.

I judge people very harshly, I'm not sure why. I know I'm doing it and therefore can curb that somewhat but for the most part I hold people up to these ridiculously high standards. I get angry at them when they do something I wouldn't do. I don't tell them I'm angry, I just sort of mull it over and process it until I'm alright with it.
Sometimes a comment here and there will slip out, or a certain type of vernacular will be used and people will pick up on it, but I try really hard to help it nowadays.
It generally boils down to the fact that I am a selfish horrible person.

Just a statement of fact... I hate when Sugarbear is gone for two weeks...I get a bit bitchy and moody...
I also hate when The Man is gone for 2 weeks in and around the same time that Sugarbear is gone for two weeks. I seem to get extra bitchy and moody.

I have however gotten a hat and cowl set knitted in the time they were both gone. I should have been over at SB's place finishing up the inside of the house for the Hallowe'en party... but sometimes I get a bit lonely there without him.

I explained to SB a couple weeks ago the Man's and my situation a bit better, since he seemed afterward to understand it (from what he said). Not exactly sure where that leaves us.
Seems he didn't get the whole picture the first time around of trying to explain it to him, but anyway...

Few weeks ago...SB sort of took over the role of Big Daddy in my life... after it happened I found myself almost grieving the loss of Bing. I had wanted to talk with Bing about it (much to the chagrin of a few others I suspect). I didn't end up getting to talk to him about it, so decided to just leave it. I'm feeling better and SB is a new and yet fairly good Big Daddy. I have been enjoying this new addition to the non-relationship relationship (dating exclusively and only fucking each other, but not in a relationship for the better part of 9 months now...) we have going on. So yeah, again, still unsure where that leaves, besides just going with the flow.

I do need to curb my 'enthusiasm'...yeah we'll use that word for it. Green eyed monster comes out once in awhile and that's just not attractive.


Derby... ay yi yi...where to start...actually I'll just say this. If I could afford dues and gas-wise to go elsewhere to play derby, I totally would.

Meh... I don't know what else to write about right now... I'm tired and I just want it to be Friday already.

Just Breathing Through It...

I hate them.

They're young, slim, smooth and attractive. They catch the eye, make me nervous and want to throat punch someone.

I hate them. My stomach rolls when I see them, their pictures and I feel like I'm going to puke. My chest tightens and I feel myself starting to build a wall to harden so that the blow when it lands I can slough it off that it won't affect me.

I feel the venom I want to spit, the hatred bubbling up and I swallow it all back down. I feel the sneer take over and I want to lash out. I want to hurt everyone before they can hurt me. I want to gouge out their eyes.

Everything tightens up, winding tight like a spring...ready to be released at a moments notice.
I don't want to harden myself getting ready for the blow...I don't want to think that it's coming.

I'm not young any more... I've never been slim... I don't have a smooth stomach or even ass...

My jaw clenches as the tears start to prick at my chin quivers as my breathing deepens...
I try to smile but it comes out pained.

My throat burns as I try not to cry. Is the pain in the end worth the happiness of now...

just breathing through it... when it comes... it comes...

Thursday, October 02, 2014

Weigh-In Retake...

So...back to the drawing board...and starting this shit again...

It's been since March that I did a weigh-in of any sort... I figured I need to get back to it...

Dr Awesome looked at me at my last visit and asked me to stop killing myself... "You're too young and beautiful to be killing yourself. I don't want to see that happen."
I love him and his bluntness it usually helps keep me on track but the last few months I've just been like 'meh whatevs...'

Lately however, I've been feeling uncomfortable in my own skin...and I've been having cardiac episodes again...headaches every day...joint and back hip thinks it's 80...(part of that is because of having lost the weight and then putting some of it back on again)...

So here I go again.

No grains... No sugar... No starch... (yep right before Thanksgiving and Hallowe'en)

The list of what I can eat is really short in comparison... when people ask me what I can't eat... I'm not looking forward to this in the least... especially getting rid of sugar again... but I put on at least 25 lbs in the last 6 months...not good... that's almost half of what I had lost...

So... Weigh-In Retake...measured this I will again do at the beginning of each month...
(numbers in brackets will be losses or gains since the last measuring day - measurements are in inches)

Ankles  - L -9 (+0.25)  R -8.5 (+0.25)
Calves - L - 16.5 (+1) R -16.5 (+1)
Thighs - L - 24.5 (same) R -25 (-0.5)

Wrists - L -6.5 (+0.5) R -6.5 (+0.25)
Forearms - L -10 (+0.25) R -11 (+0.5)
Biceps - L -14.5 (+0.5) R -14 (-1)

Hips - 45.5 (+0.75)
Belly - 42 (+1.75)
Waist - 36 (same)
Under Bust - 35 (-0.5)
Over Bust - 44 (+2.5)
Neck - 15 (+0.5)

So there we have it... didn't gain back nearly as many inches as I thought but I definitely gained it back in one of the areas I didn't want to...

Would like to get back to this...

apprx 165 (ish) lbs Oct 2012 - was quite happy with myself

Me; MLP'd.

I found this in my news feed on Facebook on Wednesday morning when I still wasn't too sure...and it just rings so true for's done with My Little I wanted to post it here as a reminder...and it's not just those with whom I's all my friends...(hopefully the order doesn't get messed up after I hit 'publish'...)

Wednesday, October 01, 2014

Just Breathe...

Earlier today I was attempting to make up a post while on my phone and also in the middle of a bit of a mental phone was being an asshat and not allowing me into blogger so that I could type up said post...

Now that I'm home and in a much more peaceful state of mind... I'm really quite happy that my phone prevented  me from being able to post.

Sometimes I think that I shouldn't expose myself to new people and should just save them the hassle of getting to know me, because I can be such a handful at times and trying to the most saintly...

Those that know me really well know that I'm a fairly intense and passionate person. Not necessarily negative and yet not necessarily positive things either. It's just how I am. As I said in a chat earlier today... My happiness when I have it is intense, my sadness is intense, my anger is intense and when horny...well that gets pretty
It's like when they were handing out the doses of emotions to everyone I got greedy and ended up with 3 doses to everyone elses 1 dose.

I no longer apologize for this. It's who I am. It's likely why I have to deal with depression.

Where a text message from my Mum asking me if I'd like to come over for Thanksgiving and that she loves me can bring me to tears.

However, that intensity can bring a whole other level of awesomeness when it comes in the form of sex... may also explain a bit about my insatiable never ending libido as well... hmm now there's one I hadn't thought of.

My reward centre is fucked...when it wants something it wants it now and it doesn't want to stop getting

Anyway... I digress...

Today was a low day... A day were I was preparing for a painful hurt that hasn't happened and doesn't exist. I was prepping for an end that isn't in sight. I tried to skate it out, because sometimes that really it didn't. I tried laying in the bath and just tried to meditate and relax and let it go...and that didn't help.

I started chatting it out with Burton...and by 'started chatting it out' I sort of blind-sided her with a bit of a meltdown... Sometimes a level head that's 3000 miles away is what you need. And the convincing me that I should just say something to Sugarbear instead of fretting over what was probably nothing...
btw - no probably about it... it was nothing.
not that I want to discredit my own emotions...just sometimes they are like a run away train...especially around the end of the

I need to stop complicating shit...and I need to stop letting my brain convince me that everything is going to go to shit.

I also realized that I need to go back to taking my vitamin D...especially now that we'll be heading into winter again.

Taking a deep breath...

On the list of things marked as 'Other'...
I'm officially finished my job, need to find another it seems.
Skating is going to resume this Thursday,,,can't wait to get back to training. Although not looking forward to all the 'business' that goes along with the league.
I've been so sad, my beautiful friend Monette's 24 year old daughter died. And just a couple weeks ago my wonderful friend Judy lost her battle with cancer, leaving her lovely wife Oklahoma behind. I'm too far away from either of them to even give them a hug and tell them I love them.
Also.. I CANNOT wait until the hallowe'en party that's coming up in 24 days...!!

Hallowe'en 2012

Hallowe'en 2013