Saturday, July 31, 2010

Go West, Life is Peaceful There... Go West...

So about the picture to the left... I did it at this neat website someone told me about... I've never claimed to be an artist I usually end up doing strange abstract types of pictures when I paint or sketch... I do enjoy it though... and usually when I sit down to do a picture in whatever medium I tend to do sunsets, skies or mountain landscapes...

In the midst of doing this picture today I stopped... turned and looked at the Man while I thought for a few moments...

I took art lessons when I was younger, I took every art class I could in school...

I have a couple of pieces hanging in my house... one of a sunset over water... one a landscape of mountains with a small lake and another of a whale tale coming out of the ocean... I did all of them when I was about 12 yo...

Well it dawned on me while I was thinking about that for the moment that I was looking at the Man... the sun sets on the west coast (yeah...duh...we know) ... the best mountains in North America (imho) are on the west coast... I love mountains and sunsets... I subconsciously/automatically go there in my mind when doing anything dealing with artsy stuff...

the Man thinks it means I want to move West, but ever since I can remember I've had a draw to the South... Louisiana specifically... whereas my first idea was past life stuff...

I guess all my day dreams seem to head Westward.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I got the forks... yay.

I have some really interesting conversations sometimes with people ... pretty thought provoking conversations at time...

I got into a conversation with one person that I ended up asking at least two others about after ward...
We had been talking about the person that i seen in the mirror versus the person we think we are... mainly physically...

I had made a few comments about how when I look in the mirror I'm a little disappointed at the person looking back at me ... only because the woman looking back is a bit fatter and a bit uglier then I tend to see in my own mind...

When I was in high school... 13 years ago... I weighed 105lbs... that was my weight when I got pregnant with the Manchild... but for most of my high school life I was about 125 to 130 lbs... which to a high school girl sounds like a lot but when I hit 11 yrs old I had a C cup bra size...

I know I'll never be either of those weights again and frankly I don't want to be... but I would like to be a bit smaller then I am so that it doesn't affect my health to badly.... I'd like to get down to the 150 to 175 lb range...

It's a personal goal... I'm not asking anyone for help or even encouragement or support because for this time this all about me... so a couple of weeks ago I decided I would ease into some extra physical activity... stretching and stuffs... nothing too strenuous for the first little while...

I want to see the person I feel in the mirror... I don't believe that I'm this great beauty or that I'm hot or sexy... but there are some days where I feel sexy or I think I'm looking good... then all I have to do is look in a full length mirror while naked and that all changes right quick...
I'd like to see that change so that after looking in the mirror at all of me that I still feel sexy.

well at least a little bit.

to go along with this whole better health for me thing I'm currently on... I realized today that I haven't been outside for even a drag of a smoke in two days... I'm sure I've been a bit bitchy but then again I'm quite sure that, that happens to be my natural state most days...

so gonna try to keep up with that... I've been on a steady decline of how much I've been smoking lately anyway and was down to like 1/2 a cigarette per day for like a couple of weeks now...

I'm finding that my appetite is a lot smaller... and for really strange things when it does pop up... like last night when I went from eating some nacho cheese... and then ate the last of the pickles... yeah strange combo that I'm still paying for today...

and for now I must find something to feed myself for supper...

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Hey, Whatcha Up To?


You know what's more amusing then conversing with a drunk is the next day or in this case the day after that...

the only thing worse then the walk of shame is the call from the person saying 'Oy what did I say the other night, what did I do'

that was funny as hell... the look on his face as I unabashedly told him what it was he had said and did...

******

I am noticing lately though besides the drunk... I'm having to pull conversations out of people... it's like someone will poke me and say hi and then after the initial hi how are you... you can hear the crickets start chirping in the background...

*shrugs* I'm not gonna continue pulling teeth with everyone... it's to draining... and I feel like I'm interrogating people... and there's really only one person that I want to spend that type of energy on... and I only have to do it once a week rather then every day.


Monday, July 26, 2010

You be like that its that big man we all up tonight



Life is never dull around here I tell you what... lol

well at least not on Sundays...

As I sit and watch the tentacle porn that is Species II ... I sit and think about the night I've just had...

It started out with me having a somewhat deep-ish conversation with one person...about psychology and how I find him somewhat fascinating because of some of the issues that he has...

While talking with him I get a call from a drunk who proceeds to tell me how much he's had to drink and amusingly enough continues on to tell me about how if I left my two men how he could make me 100% happy and how he still likes to look at pictures of me, about how he's had to take pills since we had been together because no one else could ever make him as hard as I could, how no one will ever compare to me in his life ever again and how I had scared him all those years ago with how I had made him feel like no one else had made him, oh yes and him telling me about certain body parts of mine that he misses....

so while trying to talk to those two another pops up, this one is a little more sweet, I've had nothing to do with him but idle conversation he doesn't ever want to see me naked unless it were right in front of him and he thinks I'm some sweet innocent angel of sorts... he had been trying to help me last night with my computer issue I've been having...he was popping around to see if I had been able to figure out the issue yet... alas I had not...

So while dealing with these three up pops a message from the man I've been waiting for... I look forward to my Sundays because that seems to be the day that we get to spend some time together... Big Daddy... *dreamy sigh* .. first one finds his way to bed, I tell the third one that I can't talk as he knows where my attentions lay... so there I am talking with the drunk and texting back and forth with Big Daddy... I was in the midst of telling the drunk that I had to go, while laughing at his confusing verbal spewage... when suddenly Big Daddy stopped messaging me... so listened to the drunk until he was ready to pass out...

and thus my weekly talk with Big Daddy got fuckered and I am not happy...

It sucks when you wait a week to talk to somebody about something and then they just disappear while talking... oh well guess I'll have to wait to tell him next week...

On a brighter note... I'm feeling better then I was a blog post or two ago... though I've been really tired...really dragging my ass around, feeling like I'm not getting enough sleep even though I'm sleeping until 2...3...4 sometimes even 5 in the afternoon.... less pukey though... yay!

I've resigned from both Lions and Distress Centre Niagara... I had tried to resign last year from Lions but they decided to help me out for the rest of the year... I wasn't going to ask them to do that again...so instead I just left.
I felt under appreciated, overwhelmed and unheard in both places, so started wondering why it was I was still there when I had other things I could be doing with my time...

I suppose I'll have to find other distractions... one on my plate is the Relay for Life Cancer Walk for next year...I'm trying to raise money for my team for next years walk....

People have asked me why I'm suddenly interested in helping the Canadian Cancer Society... I wrote a message for my personal page that I'm going to share here as well...

Cancer and I...
I participated in the Relay for Life this past June down in my hometown...
It hit me a lot harder then I thought it would...and more then I let on...
I had grandparents with cancer, I've had friends who have battled cancer or lost parents and grandparents to cancer...I've known some who have fallen because of the wretched disease and those who have survived it...
Being there reminded me of the time in my own life when I was younger and had to go through not knowing whether or not I had cervical cancer...
I remember being so scared... so uncertain of the future... wondering what I would go through if I ended up having it...wondering what would happen if I died from it... wondering what would happen to my children if I died...
As I recalled all of this while walking around the track at my old high school I realized that I needed to do what I could to try to raise money for the cancer society...to do what I could to help out..
.


Friday, July 23, 2010

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars...

because I could really use a wish right now...

I couldn't get to sleep last night until after 5am... at 7am I staggered out to go to the bathroom where I was nearly screaming from abdominal pain ... had two episodes while in the bathroom... made it back to the bedroom grabbed a pillow and blanket... dropped those off at the couch and made it back to the bathroom again... I was dizzy as I laid back down on the couch...

I passed out until 5 pm... then I've been in and out of pain since I woke up...

sometimes I wonder why my body chooses to wake up...

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

As long as I'm living, My Baby you'll be.


So I get this wild hair up my ass last night...well more like yesterday during the day that I want a change...there's a lot of things I can't change without approval inside the house but there is something's I can...
well yesterday I decided I didn't like the layout of the living room any longer and wanted to rearrange the furniture... if you've been in my living room you'll know that sure it's a fair sized space but that it's sort of split into three parts...

More like a office/dining room/living room... so when it comes to moving and rearranging furniture it turns very much into a jenga game... or a really large spatial puzzle... which I do love a good spatial problem... so anyway... it's a big project to take on when I say I'm rearranging furniture...

Got the boys involved but did a lot of the pushing and pulling of furniture myself, it's almost like exercise :P In rearranging the furniture the living room also gets a good cleaning. In amongst this clean up I found a Robert Munsch book that I used to read to the boys, The Boychild found a copy that the library was giving away and it got shuffled around the living room to different spots, so when I picked up did the 'oh hey...lookit this' and both boys turned smiled and said at the same time 'hey read it'... After looking at them for a moment with strange look I sat down in the middle of the mess of the living room and started to read it... the book is Love You Forever...
("I made that up after my wife and I had two babies born dead. The song was my song to my dead babies. For a long time I had it in my head and I couldn’t even sing it because every time I tried to sing it I cried. It was very strange having a song in my head that I couldn’t sing." ~Robert Munsch)

The Man came home from his trip to the store as I was finishing up and smiled. The Manchild and Boychild, had both said 'that's my favourite book' ... I told them when they got older I'd get them each their own copy so that when they have kids they could read it to their kids...

I used to cry a little when I would read it to them... because I'm a sap but also because the main point that's driven home is written on every other page when the mum scoops up the boy and rocks him (at all stages of his life) and sings to him "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living, My baby you'll be" and at the end of the story the mum gets so old and sick that she can't sing it so he, now a grown man, scoops up his mum and sings "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living, My Mommy you'll be"... and I suppose when they were younger I was just hoping that my boys would grow up to be that caring.

It's hit me hard over the years when I've had miscarriages and just been unable to conceive. I think the worst has been the miscarriages though, to know that there was a chance and it was lost. It was heart breaking.

My poor boys have certainly had to pay the price, I end up loving and hugging them even more.

So anyway... yeah right now I'm sitting in bed as I type this up because I don't feel like going back to work quite yet on the living room... oh yeah did I fail to mention... worked on it til midnight and it's still not all together yet. But I do like how it's coming along...I just don't want to be moving furniture around... not yet.

I wanna go back to sleep... in bed at 5am up at 9am... yeah I think I'm gonna take a nap.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

She makes the cutest faces when she screams obscenities...


I had made a comment the other day about how I was envious of a friend of mine having the ability to go hang out with a group of friends and play games and just be themselves...
now not paying to his hang ups about it I would say that's a pretty good deal... having a group of people who want to spend time with you playing a game... whether it's some long complicated game or just a game of cards...

I don't have that. I didn't realize I had wanted that until I saw this friend and a couple of others I know who get together with a group of friends to play games... a few that get together for rp'ing as well...

I was commenting to the Man last night that I feel like I always have to have the priestess switch on... my friends became my students and it's hard to walk that fine line of what you can talk to them about.

It all came together when I realized I wasn't able to talk to someone about what's been up in my personal life. Then my Krammit called me... and I pretty much updated her with everything since oh like April. And as I told her about some of the stuff I realized that I hadn't said anything about it to anyone else.

Now I'm not exactly one of those people who displays absolutely everything for the world to see, nor am I one of those people who doesn't need other people.
I've actually been accused of both which I find sort of laughable... I've been accused of being an attention whore who seeks the approval of everyone... and I've been accused of playing it to close to the vest and too private for it to be healthy.

I've come to the conclusion I'm different things to different people for a reason. To those that see me as an attention whore, it's their attention I'm looking for, it's their approval I seek. To those who see me as really private and fairly closed mouth, those are the people that I don't really care about their opinions.

And I suppose I should probably re-evaluate those who would call me an attention whore and see if they're really worth my attentions.


I've been talking to some who don't like where they are in their lives, I usually offer suggestions of what they can do or how I think they might be able to make it better. I think I'm going to try to stop doing that. No one fucking listens to me anyway.

I know that we all have to find our way, but when someone suggests something and you immediately push it aside and then 6 months down the road that's what they do and you watch it... it's fucking annoying.

The other thing has been those who tell me that their lives suck the way they are right now... my answer will always be 'then choose to make it different' ... it's your choice. One of my favourite quotes says...

Everything you now do is something you have chosen to do. Some people don't want to believe that. But if you're over age twenty-one, your life is what you're making of it. To change your life, you need to change your priorities.
- John C. Maxwell

It's just like the quote says if you're over 21 years old YOU are the one making your life.

Choices... they are magnificent things.

I choose to live the life I'm living, I chose the people in my life, I chose the men I love, I choose to stay in certain situations, I choose the lesser of two evils sometimes, I choose the high road on occasion, I even choose to be vindictive sometimes... I take responsibility for my own happinesses, I accept that I do self destructive things on occasion, I sometimes hate that I choose to ignore stuff that could make me happy, I dislike that I allow myself to be mean to myself.

I set a goal with my choices and generally stick to that goal... sometimes long term...sometimes short term... but I don't just react to something by choosing to placate another... my choices are generally over analyzed to death before I make them a goal...

I choose to be different not because I want to be different, because I am different.

Sometimes when your choice is entwined with another's choice and makes up a goal, it's best to check back once in awhile to make sure that you're still on the same page. It would definitely save on some heartache, some miscommunication and it would definitely help when it comes to making other decisions.

Changes and Choices... that's life. Everything comes down to choices and changes and not letting the fear of both of them stop you from getting what it is that you want, or need in your life.

Fear is so ugly. It's the cause of so many problems and yet needed as well to keep people in line.
Fear is one of the main causes of jealousy (anger is the other), it's one of the main hindrances in our lives. It prevents us from doing bad things because growing up we hear all the reasons to not do things... fear of the police, fear of hurting ourselves or others... generally it comes to those two fear of pain or trouble... and sometimes if we got in trouble there would be pain... so from that can we surmise that fear equals pain?

we fear getting close to those we love because we're afraid of getting our heart hurt by them... we fear changing ourselves for the better because of being afraid that we won't be accepted and again our choice causing heart ache...

I suppose that's also biased because looking at it from a point of view such as mine means that it would be tainted with emotion... So therefore anyone who relies on feelings and emotions would fear those sorts of things... because I'm the sort of person where if you walked up to me and broke my leg I could forgive and forget that...if you broke my heart eventually I could forgive but I would never forget.

I suppose I've blathered on long enough... I do have other things that I need to get done today besides to sit here listening to techno music and pondering life and real estate in the states...

Firefox plug-ins.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Satellite television + 3 hr behind bio clock + need for escapism = me not getting to bed until nearly 6am

So yeah... we have satellite television now... we have for a couple of weeks now... I was trying very hard to ignore it... but then I started finding all the shows I used to watch and some of the ones that I had started downloading...

So having an inner clock that's 3 hrs behind... and a television that can now accommodate that... ooo scary...



Friday, July 16, 2010


Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane.

is that normal?

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Soy un perdedor... Get crazy with the cheese whiz...

So as to what I said before I went to bed... apparently my boys are brilliant... The Manchild has been doing advanced math at school for quite sometime now, he was doing grade 9/10 math last year while he was in grade 7... and brought home a report of 11 A's and 4 B's...

The Boychild on the other hand... we never thought him stupid by any stretch of the imagination... but I just figured him an average everyday little boy... well we had some issues this past year with him not behaving in class and had many parent teacher conferences to find out what was going on or what could be done about it... so the Learning Resource Teacher (LRT) started him on a few different things to help him out... and encouraged us to fill out some paper work so that he could be tested in a variety of areas by one of the boards pyschologists to see what sort of academic levels he's at so that they and we can start to tailor his studies and possibly work with him better on what he needs done.

So we were told by the LRT that if we filled out this paperwork because of the fact that they're backed up with the testing and what not, so it could take a year before they see him which would put him in the middle of grade four when it would get done. Ends up they called just before school ended to see about doing his testing in July. So he went in on Monday and then again yesterday (Tues) to meet with the woman who was going to put him through a bunch of tests.

He came home on Monday and proudly announced that he was tested at a grade 9/10 Mathematics level. To which I blinked in disbelief and said .... 'what?'

So I went to go pick him up from the school yesterday after he finished his testing again and met the woman who had been doing it. She reiterated again about how she at first checked to see if he could see the answers on her sheet, even though she knew he couldn't, and was flabbergasted at the fact that she was witnessing a grade three student that was spouting off answers to gr 9/10 stuff.

She went on to explain that his scores had been so high all around that to say something is a weakness for him is to say that he is like the other kids in it. So his 'weakness' is their 'average'. He completely blew her away.

So great now I have two brilliant kids and one who doesn't want to apply himself. They're just as tough to raise as a troubled child.

And really... how in the fucking hell am I supposed to raise them?!

I'm a fucking dumbass.

Seriously.

*sighs*

But it broke his heart so he stuck his middle finger to the world

I've been craving spicy food... not just spicy food... but spicy southern food... odd. Made Indian tacos this evening for dinner... first time making them... tasted great. Did I mention that I don't really like spicy foods...?

I have a bunch of other stuff I wanted to say as well but... it's too late... I need to get to bed.

So ... more later on my children being genius' and me being a worthless waste of skin that should just do everyone a favour and sod off.

Friday, July 09, 2010

Anything else but the way you breathe...

I sometimes feel a prisoner in my own house... when the weather is too warm or the weather is too cold... whether it be because of windchill or humidex...

The weather for the last little bit has been so unbearable that I couldn't be outside for more then a few minutes at a time because the air was so thick I couldn't breathe which of course stresses out my system...

The doctor has finally agreed with me that the ablation I had done a few years ago now was a failure in regards to getting rid of my episodes all together... so now I only get the comfort of knowing I was right... and the discomfort of daily episodes of varying degrees...

I really do prefer spring and autumn...

I've been feeling a bit out of sorts as of late... though cooking and trying new recipes has been helping...

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Got feeling very domestic suddenly today... it's ok I'm not ill... I didn't clean so worry not... I ended up making dinner mostly from scratch...

made buttered cornsticks... which is a cornbread of sorts made from creamed corn and stuff, and rolled them in butter and cook 'em... mmm they were yummy...

and right now I'm working on some dumplings... yeah there really is a good reason I'm a big girl... I love cooking good food... especially some comfort foods... and I don't get anywhere near enough 'cardio' exercise as I'd like and need :P

guess I should find some zombies.

so making up some ground beef and gravy to go with the dumplings... was going to make yorkshire pudding but it's waaaaay to hot in the house to be turning the oven back on again...

All this btw because I'm sick of making mac n cheese and hotdogs with french fries... hope the episodes while making dinner make the food taste that much better...

more later...




97 degrees is too hot with the humidity :(

Got feeling very domestic suddenly today... it's ok I'm not ill... I didn't clean so worry not... I ended up making dinner mostly from scratch...

made buttered cornsticks... which is a cornbread of sorts made from creamed corn and stuff, and rolled them in butter and cook 'em... mmm they were yummy...

and right now I'm working on some dumplings... yeah there really is a good reason I'm a big girl... I love cooking good food... especially some comfort foods... and I don't get anywhere near enough 'cardio' exercise as I'd like and need :P

guess I should find some zombies.

so making up some ground beef and gravy to go with the dumplings... was going to make yorkshire pudding but it's waaaaay to hot in the house to be turning the oven back on again...

All this btw because I'm sick of making mac n cheese and hotdogs with french fries... hope the episodes while making dinner make the food taste that much better...

more later...

(couple hours later)
food was very yummy...

I have a talent of making something out of nothing... I think it would be dangerous if I had a lot to work with ...

and now... I need some pickles.

Sunday, July 04, 2010

Could you take my picture... 'Cuz I won't remember


Weather's here, wishing you were great!

Thursday, July 01, 2010

I say all you demons go back to hell... I'll save my soul save myself

Well I am a happy girl... generally am for a few days after talking to Big Daddy... but this time it's because yesterday I ordered a new webcam from NewEgg! Yay!

First new webcam in years... and hopefully I won't have to have a light pointing directly in my face in order to see it on the other end. I don't use webcams anywhere near as much as I used to, but it'll be nice for if my Dad (my actual Father) and I are on skype together which does happen sometimes. Or if Big Daddy actually decides to maybe talk to me via skype again :P I had actually thought about buying him one and shipping it to him... *chuckles*

But yeah so the very few that still talk to me via webcam...fun times!

*****

Hrm... ok I'll post later... I'm being shoved out the door and still need to go and get dressed...

I do so get annoyed when everyone is bothering me and I'm trying to blarg... like violently annoyed. *sighs* ....*mutters* I need a vacation away from these people.

Happy Canada Day :)

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te amo papi