Thursday, December 25, 2014

Death, Prison, Dates, Babies and Derby

I'm not even sure where to start this blog post...I'm so far behind in news and thoughts and ramblings...

Not even sure how far back I need to go to try to catch up either...or if I should start with the good news or the bad...

My step father passed away at the beginning of November...the first day of it actually. He was the third of the groups of deaths that have happened in the latter half of the year. Cancer ate away his insides and he just couldn't fight it any more.

The next day Krammit gave birth to her beautiful was a bit scary for a minute or two...but everyone came out of it and  Jack and Wyatt are beautiful and two of the best babies ever.

After Al's funeral I found out that Biff my favourite Lion ever had passed away, there was no service for him... just the knowledge that in March when I go to the convention I won't get to see him...I won't get my annual picture of me sitting on his lap and having him give me advice on dirty old men.

I went to go visit Krammit and all her boys for nearly a week and it was such a great reprieve from life...I had started to get so depressed and just snuggling and loving the babies and seeing my Krammit for 5 days was just awesome.

Went to the roller derby end of the season party with both Sugarbear and The Man... There aren't words to describe how much I love that I can go out with the both of them and not have to answer to many questions.

At this point I'm not too sure about continuing on with roller derby. I've not been able to pay my dues for December, still need to come up with money for my annual insurance and money for my January dues... may need to sell a kidney to continue.

December brought on the stress of having to deal with my landlords and their thoughts that some how their lack of upkeep of the property is some how our fault. They came back a second day in a row with a paper saying that they'll be raising the rent as of March first...The Man sort of gave our notice...let's see if the landlord takes him seriously...they only thing I've heard from them is that she sent me a text asking me for a measurement for the back door...
So we'll see on the first if we are actually going to give our notice. I think it's time.
I don't want to move. I hate moving...I've moved a lot.
If they're not going to take care of the place and we have to pay more in rent then...what else can I really do... *le sigh*

It hasn't been all bad...?

I did get sick last week...and this past weekend was awesome and horrible all at the same time...
Last Tuesday I seemed to wake up with something horrible living in my head and throat...Wednesday was a bit touch and go as to whether or not I might have had to go to the hospital...thankfully my body decided to take pity on me and just make me feel like hell. My heart didn't go batty thankfully.

This Monday (the 22nd) was the one year mark for Sugarbear and I...went by really fast it seems. He made Saturday awesome. He brought me home a beautiful bouquet of flowers on Friday, which made me blush since before I saw them I was joking about him being spoiled. We went out for breakfast on Saturday (I was and am still, feeling a bit crappy, but I was told he was taking me out for dinner so I was determined to feel well). We went to the Keg in the Falls, had a good view, and a really yummy meal. I have to say that this visit was much better then our last one (which was our first we were so much more comfortable with each other now and so it was just a really good time. After supper we went to Timmies and grabbed a hot chocolate and a tea, then drove down through the festival of lights and through Dufferin Island. Then headed home where I forced him to sit through the Nightmare before Christmas (because hello...everyone should see that movie... Best Christmas movie and Best Hallowe'en movie...) I then got him to open up his presents... we then went on to celebrate Christmas downstairs...

Sunday I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck... Sugarbear was a sweetheart (as he almost always is) he ran me a bath and then made me some brunch and just let me lay around most of the afternoon...which made me feel bad since he was running about cleaning up and such. We ended up going to the bakery but I think that was about it.

A bit of a back story for a moment... My friend Codex who was a diabetic and having some renal issues failed to report on the 17th for his dialysis, nurses at the hospital were concerned and made a call for a welfare check. Where he was found unresponsive in his apartment and rushed to the hospital. The found after a ct scan that no neurological activity was happening. They (his mother and sister) then started calling friends and family from out of town to come and say their goodbyes to him.
He wasn't even 30 fucking years old.

On Sunday at 6pm I got a text from Codex's mother that he was gone now. On the Winter Solstice, his favourite night of the year. The night the light starts to come back. The night that the dark times is officially over...

I'm so tired of death. After this dark time...too many people have slipped through the veil.

Twice now I've been with Sugarbear when I've gotten the news of someone passing. I was eating breakfast with him when I found out about Al...and he was making supper when I found out about Codex.

I stayed at Sugarbears house Monday, Tuesday and then came home on Wednesday... I still wasn't feeling well. But I was also using it as a hidey hole...I didn't want to leave...I didn't want to deal with the world (I still really don't want to). I love that Sugarbear let's me use his place as a sanctuary away from the bright noisy world... He's up North with his family celebrating the holiday...

Tomorrow...err...Today... I'll be heading to Mum's to go do the Christmas thing. I was talking to her on the phone earlier and couldn't stop myself from breaking down... Yesterday I just wanted to get into my car and drive to go see my mum...The Man had the car...and I didn't know what I would say when I got there...

I have these moments where I think about how Barium doesn't have her father tomorrow... Oakie doesn't have Judy this Christmas... my Mum won't have Al to snuggle with tomorrow... We won't be watching Codex's cat for him while he goes to visit his mum... Biff won't be able to see what Santa brought for his grandkids... and my beautiful beautiful friend Moon won't get to see her only child open her gifts when the sun comes up... and I just well up and start to cry.

I just want to curl up in Sugarbears big comfy bed and shut the doors...

Earlier tonight was just awful... I was trying to be in a good mood and was laughing and joking about with the Boychild...apparently The Man was annoyed and we were entertained by annoying him he stormed off.
Boychild tried so very hard to cheer me up afterwards...he is such a sweet kid...he shouldn't have to deal with my depression. Standing hugging his mum in the middle of the living room while she cries because she's angry at the world and annoyed with his fathers behaviour, and frustrated that everything just seems like it's going to shit.

And we've been trying to figure out how we can get up North (5 hr drive) on the 28th for Codex's memorial service. The Man and I both really want to go... Frankly I don't like the thought of travelling for 5 hours, saying good bye to a friend and then travelling another 5 hours home again.

Was hard to not think of DrunkenMonkey today and wonder how he's doing. It was his birthday. He just turned prison.  I have talked to his mum this week to see how he is, to see how she is, and to see if I would be able to mail him a letter.
I know what he did is wrong on so very many levels, but somewhere deep inside me I can't just turn my back on him. I know some people think I'm crazy and think I should just wash my hands of him and be done with it.

So what's coming up...?

Going to make dinner on Saturday for my dad his gf, and our friends The Farmer and Femme, as well as my 4. Not the biggest crowd I've cooked for but still a good size.

Sugarbear and I (and The Man) are having a bit of a gathering for New Years Eve... the Boychild will be there, it'll really be the first time he's really kind of hung out with Sugarbear. We're going to fondue it up with The Farmer and Femme. Hoping that Nickle will be there, maybe Pinky (miss him).
I've invited some others... starting to think that Leethal and Punisher aren't really interested with maintaining a friendship with us any more. I hardly hear from them, and seems when I do text it's not really ever a good time. Invited them to come out on NYE but I think they're sort of waiting to see if something better comes along. At least...that's how it feels. Who knows.
Been a year and I know she still seems to get amazed and weirded out about the whole situation of the three of

Beyond that... I have no idea.

I'm hoping for at least month off from going to funerals or having someone I know passing away...that would be lovely.

In good news...

I found a Target gift card on my desk that has fifty bucks on it.
I'm still not smoking.
I'm still enjoying my knitting.
My kids are healthy.
I love The Man and Sugarbear... and I'm fairly certain they both love me.

Good Night.

Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 09, 2014

Poly Related Terms...

Posting this here mainly so I can reference them again...just learned a few more from this list that was shared with me...

Bright-eyed Novice [BeN] n : a person who has just discovered Polyamory. Handle at your own risk as they tend to date as if eating at a buffet, they are still unaware of the amount of energy and work they will need to make their relationships work and have not yet refined their communication skills. [example of phrase BeN would say? "I love more than one person and I don't care who knows it !"]
Closed Marriage : Marriages where their is no outer emotional relating or sexuality
Closed Group Marriage : A group of individuals who describe themselves as married but may or may not be all primaries and who are closed to outside sexual relationships 2: A marriage in which fidelity is not equated with monogamy
Closed Relationship n : An agreement among the members not to get sexually and/or romantically involved with anyone outside the relationship
Commitment n 1 : to pledge or promise to do something 2 : dedication to a long-term course of action 3 : engagement 4 : involvement 5 : to put into charge or trust 6 : ENTRUST 7 : to carry into action 8 : PERPETRATE 9 : TRANSFER, CONSIGN; committal n; commit vb; committed vb; committing vb
Commune n 1 : a community 2 : interchange of thoughts and feelings 3 : converse; communal adj 1 : to be owned or shared by a community 2 : public
Community n, pl -ties 1 : a body of people living in the same place under the same laws; also : a natural population of plants and animals that interact ecologically and live in one place (as a pond) 2 : society at large 3 : joint ownership 4 : SIMILARITY, LIKENESS
Compersion n : the feeling of taking joy in the joy that others you love share among themselves, especially taking joy in the knowledge that your beloveds are expressing their love for one another, the term was coined by the Keristan Commune in San Francisco which practiced Polyfidelity, Kerista disbanded in the early 1990's
Condom Commitment n : an agreement to confine exchange of bodily fluids and barrier-free intercourse to a closed group which has previously been screened for sexually transmitted diseases. syn. safe sex circle
Condom Compact n : is collection of rules and responsibilities to help members involved in open multiple partner relationships protect themselves against STD, the Condom Compact was written by Oberon and Morning Glory Zell
Conscious Courtship n : dedication is in seeing that commitment and emotional or bonding are developed and based on values and goal alignment as well as initial and on-going attraction
Cooperative n or adj 1 : willing to work with others 2 : of or relating to an association formed to enable its members 3: a cooperative association
Courting n or vb : The process by which people explore how it feels to form or join in a committed relationship. syn. dating
Cowboy n : A male person who believes that alternative relationships are unstable, and consciously or unconsciously tries to pull one of the partners off into a monogamous relationship with them. Refers to "cutting a filly out of the herd". Cowgirl : A female cowboy
Eclectic Relationship n : Relationship that have heterosexual and homosexual members in them , relationship that consisting of diverse elements
Eromance n : romantic sexual love
Eros n : refers to sexual intimacy, sexual love, sexual drive or libido
Expanded Family n : a relationship in which three or more partners consciously chose each other as family, partners may or may not live together, there is the potential for all family members to be sexual with each other if they mutually chose to do so but this is not a requirement for family membership, syn intentional family
Family n, pl -lies 1 : a group of individuals living under one roof and under one head : HOUSEHOLD 2 : a group of persons of common ancestry : CLAN3 : a group of things having common characteristics; esp : a group of related plants or animals ranking in biological classification above a genus and below an order 4 : a social unit usu. consisting of one or two parents and their children
Fidelity n, pl -ties 1 : the quality or state of being faithful 2 : ACCURACY syn allegiance, loyalty, devotion, fealty
Friends With Benefits abbr. - [FWB] n : a casual relationship used to describe the physical and emotional relationship between unmarried people who engage in uncommitted sex acts. The intent is generally to relieve sexual frustrations through an alternative to masturbation, and is not intended as a romantic relationship. All parties are free to date and engage in sex acts with other people. This type of a relationship effectively gives the people involved an outlet for their sexual urges without the potential stress and time-demands of a committed relationship. The people may elect to become "Friends With Benefits" because they are not willing to commit to a full-fledged relationship for whatever reason
Grex n : a synergistic group of highly interdependent individuals whose functioning is enhanced by their association
Group Marriage n : a marriage involving more than two people
Group Partner n : a person of group marriage or relationship
Group Relationship n : a committed, loving relationship involving multiple partners
Hinge n or adj: Refers to Vee's, or similar dynamics in a more complex relationship, the "person in the middle", more bonded to each end than they are to each other, is sometimes called the hinge. Without the hinge, the others people often go their separate ways.
Hippie Hefner n : a male that is a charming mid-life hippie who attempts to create [though may already have done so] a flock of buxom women
Hot Bi Babe [HBB] n : mythical creature [female] that some couples search for as for the Holy Grail.
Husband n : a male partner in a marriage or committed relationship
In search of Hot Bi Babe [ISO HBB] n : a couple that is only looking for the elusive HBB. Won't talk to anyone else. Not interested in anything else.
Inclusive Relationship n : a relationship in which all partners agree to include more lovers into their relationship
Intentional Family n : a relationship in which three or more partners consciously chose each other as family, partners may or may not live together, there is the potential for all family members to be sexual with each other if they mutually chose to do so but this is not a requirement for family membership, syn expanded family
Intimate n, vb or adj 1 : an intimate friend, associate, or confidant 2 : INTRINSIC; also : INNERMOST 3 : marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity 4 : marked by a warm friendship 5 : suggesting informal warmth or privacy 6 : of a very personal or private nature-mated; -mating 7 : ANNOUNCE, NOTIFY 8 : to communicate indirectly : HINT; intimation n; intimacy n; intimately adv
Intimate Network n : individuals who desire friendship and perhaps sex with their lover's and other friend's, forming a web of varying connections within a social circle
Intimate Partner n : a gender-free, hetrosexual free term that define a person that another person is involved with their is a presumption of a romantic or sexual connection
Intimate Relationship n : a gender-free, hetrosexual free relationship term that assumes romantic or sexual connection
Jealousy n or adj 1 : the opposite of compersion 2 : negative, angry feelings that a group or an individual can prevoke in another group or individual 3 : demanding complete devotion 4 : suspicious of a rival or of one believed to enjoy an advantage 5 : VIGILANT; jealously; jealous adj
Line Marriage n : a term from the works of Robert A. Heinlein, science fiction writer, meaning a marriage that from time to time adds younger members, eventually establishing an equilibrium population, spouses dying off at the same rate as new ones are added, this is a different form of familial immortality than the traditional one of successive generations of children
Lovestyle n : the design or structure of a sexualove relationship, like the term lifestyle, it implies a conscious choice. syn. Relationship Orientation
Mixed Relationships n 1 : relationships that have heterosexual and homosexual members 2 : relationships that have people from different races and cultures
Monogamy n 1 : the practice of marrying only once 2 : being married to only one person at a time 3 : a marriage in which tow partners agree not to have sex or erotic love with anyone else 4 : a lovestye for two players; monogamist n; monogamous adj
Multipartner Relationship n : any nonmonogamous Relationship
Multiple adj 1 : more than one; also : MANY 2 : VARIOUS
Multiple Partner n : more than one partner
Multiple Relationship n : more than one relationship
New Normal n or adj : searching for normality and balance after establishing a new relationship within a group relationship. Establishing a new relationship within an existing multipartnered relationship brings changes to the emotionally established order of the group relationship. Finding the "NEW NORMAL" is what the shared group members strive for to improve the relationship and bring the group back into balance after adding a new member.
New Paradigm Relating n : a philosophy of relationship which emphasizes using the relationship to consciously enhance the psychological and spiritual development of the partners, New Paradigm Relating is characterized by responding authentically in the present moment, honoring individual autonomy, equality, total honesty and self responsibility.
New Relationship Energy n or adj: energy that flows between partners in a "new" relationship, the excitement and discovery that occurs during this time as opposed to old relationship energy that is part of a more settled, stable, comfortable time in the relationship
Nonmonogamy n : a relationship which allows for more that one sexual relationship at a time
Not-so-hot Bi Babe [NSHBB] n : unfortunately non-mythical annoying rookie who "Just doesn't get it" and would be more happier swinging.
Odd-One-Out Syndrome n or adj: an intimate situation where one person feels left out, usually because there is an odd number or members
Old Greaser n : a male who, at least once an hour, tries to have sex with anything female, regardless of appropriateness.
Old Paradigm Relating n or adj : a philosophy of relationship which emphasizes well defined rules, extensive agreements, ironclad conditions and the importance of the group over the individual, usually involves a hierarchical power structure.
One True Way Polyamorist n : Often times the Bright-eyed Novice [See Bright-eyed Novice] will morph into The One True Way Polyamorist after several months. This person has read everything they can find and will tell you exactly how Polyamory works, and what you must do. They will tell you that you are immoral or dishonorable if you disagree with them.
Open Marriage n : Includes one primary spouse bond and other secondary or tertiary lover's depending on availability and circumstance.
Open Group Marriage n 1: A group of individuals who describe themselves as married, but may or may not be all primaries and who are open to outside sexual relationships
Open Relationship n : an agreement among the members in which the partners decide that they can have sexual relations outside of the relationship. Partner have agreed that they can have sexual relations independently of each other
Partner n 1 : Short for life partner(s). Gender-free, heterosexual assumption free term for someone with whom one is romantically involved with 2: SPOUSE or SPICE 3: ASSOCIATE(S), COLLEAGUE(S) 4: two or more persons who dance together 5 : one who plays on the same team with another 6: one of two or more persons contractually associated as joint principals in a venture--partnership n
Plural Marriage n : a name often applied to Mormon-style polygyny, all the wives may live together or each may have her own home
Poly n or adj 1 : many or several 2 : Short for Polyamorous 3: The relationship orientation of people who love and want to be intimate with more than one person at a time 4: A relationship that is non-monogamous relationship 5: A person that is either in or at least interested in a multipartnered relationship and family
Polyactivist n : a person interested in taking action intended to counteract the political, social and religious enforcement of monogamy; Polyactivists help promote greater awareness of Polyamory as a legitimate relationship choice; polyactivism n
Polyamorous n 1 : practicing polyamory 2 : of or characterized by polyamory
Polyamory n : is the nonpossessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously. Polyamory emphasizes consciously choosing how many partners one wishes to be involved with rather than accepting social norms which dictate loving only one person at a time. Polyamory is an umbrella term which integrates traditional multipartner relationship terms with more evolved egalitarian terms. Polyamory embraces sexual equality and all sexual orientations towards an expanded circle of spousal intimacy and love. Polyamory is from the root words Poly meaning many and Amour meaning love hence "many loves" or Polyamory
Polyandrous n 1 : practicing polyandry 2 : of, engaging in or characterized by polyandry
Polyandry n 1 : the state or practice of having two or more husbands at the same time 2 : the mating of one female animal with more that one male; polyandric adj; polyandrist n
PolyChildhood n 1 : the state of being a child in a multiple partnered relationship
2 : from infancy to puberty 3 : an early stage or development within a multiple partnered relationship
PolyChild n -ren pl 1 : a girl or boy in the period before puberty from a polyamrous marriage or relationship 2 : an infant; baby of polyamorous union
Polyerocist n : a person who practices or prefers sex with multiple partners
Polyeros n : a lifestyle or relationship in which sexual partners agree that they may take additional sexual partners
PolyFamily n 1 : all the people living in or sharing life experences in the same home or household 2 : a social unit consisting of multiple adult models 3 : when polychildren are present the term includes others adults, besides blood or birth parents, who are responsibly involved with the polychild or polychildren, most adult take an active role in polychild rearing 4 : a group of people related by common commune, tribe, clan, lineage, ancestry, relatives, commitment or marriage 5 : a sharing of living expenses and property
PolyFriend n 1 : a person whom one knows well and is fond of polyamorous people 2 : intimate associate or close acquaintance of a person of an polyamorous orientation
Polyfriendly n 1 : an ally of people of a polyamorous orientation 2 : amicable 3 : supporting, helping or favorable 4 : showing friendly feelings polyamorous people or unions 5 : ready to be a friends to polyamorous people or unions
Polyfi Fundamentalist n : Closely related to the One True Way Polyamorist [See One True Way Polyamorist], differing only in the fact that they believe polyfidelity is paramount to all of the other Poly-style relationships. Will politely tell you how immoral you are if you are not Polyfidelitous. Though, some will vehemently call you a swinger or wannabe if you argue with them.
Polyfidelitous adj 1 : practicing polyfidelity 2 : of, engaging in or characterized by polyfidelity
Polyfidelity n : a group in which all partners are primary to all other partners and sexual fidelity is to the group; shared intent of a lifelong run together. More primary partners can be added with everyone's consent. The term was coined by the Kerista commune
Polygamous adj 1 : practicing polygamy 2 : of, engaging in or characterized by polygamy
Polygamy n : the practice of having more than one wife or husband at one time; polygamist n; polygamous adj
Polygynous adj 1 : practicing polygyny 2 : of, engaging in or characterized by polygyny
Polygyny n 1 : the state or practice of having two or more wives at the same time 2 : the mating of a male animal with more than one female
PolyLove n 1 : strong affection or attraction to more than one person 2 : the strong belief that human beings are capable of having love and affection for more than one person at a time 3 : warm attachment and joyful feeling in presence of your beloveds 4 : attraction based on sexual desire multiple partners 5 : intimate fantasies and dreams about multiple partners 6 : beloved people 7 : unselfish loyalty, benevolence and concern for others 8 : to feel a passion, devotion, or tenderness for multiple partners or loveones 9 : to take pleasure in being with many
PolyLover n : a person of polyamorous orientation with whom you have an intimate relationship
PolyMarriage n 1 : the state of being committed in multiple partnered relationship 2 : a multiple partnered relationship where commitment ritual was performed 3 : any close or intimate multi partnered union of duration
PolyPartner n : a person of polyamorous orientation that you are intimately involved
PolyRelationship n : a multiple partnered polyamorous relationship
Poly Mantra n or v: communicate, communicate, communicate and then communicate some more
Primary adj 1: first in order of time or development 2 : PREPARATORY 3: of first rank or importance 4 : FUNDAMENTAL 5 : not derived from or dependent on something else
Primary Partner n : a person of polyamorous orientation that is intimately involved in your life on day to day basis, the person provide emotional and economic support, there is mutual sharing of resources, goal and life paths
Primary Relationship n 1 : the closest relationship type, the person(s) given the most time, energy and priority in a person's life; includes high level of intimacy, attraction and commitment as demonstrated by marriage-level bonding (such as shared life paths, goals, parenting, economics, housing, important values, ongoing emotional support, etc.), typically includes a desire for a shared lifelong future together
Quad n : A multiple partnered relationship with four members
Relationship n : the state of being related or interrelated
Relationship Orientation n 1: The perference for sexual relationships or lovestyles which are monogamous, nonmonogamous, intimate network, Polyfidelitous, etc. 2: The design or structure of a sexualove relationship. Like the term lifestyle, it implies a conscious choice. syn. Lovestyle
Remarriage n : the state of being or getting married again
Safe Sex n : ideal 100% safe sexual activity and especially sexual intercourse in which various measures (as the use of latex condoms) are taken to avoid diseases (as AIDS and other STD's) which are transmitted by sexual contact
Safer Sex n : reality, not 100% safe, sexual activity and sexual intercourse where various measures are taken such as the use of latex condoms and barriers to avoid sexually transmaitted disease also taking into account that no such measure is 100% safe or foolproof
Safe Sex Circle n : an agreement to confine exchange of bodily fluids and barrier-free intercourse to a closed group which has previously been screened for sexually transmitted diseases; syn. Condom Commitment n
Secondary Partner n : a person of polyamorous orientation that is intimately involved in your life but usually not daily, the person provide emotional support may or may not provide economic support, there may be some sharing of resources, goal and life paths but they are few as compared to primary partners
Secondary Relationship n : a close relationship type, by definition it is given less in terms of time, energy and priority in a person's life than any primary relationship, includes aspects of primary relating, such as sexuality and emotional support but usually involves fewer ongoing commitments as evidenced by fewer shared values, plans or finanical/legal involvements, may include a desire for a long term future together
Serial Monogamy n : a succession of monogamous partners over time, overlapping sexuality only in the transition from the current monogamous partner to next
Sex Negative adj : a person with the belief that sexuality in general dirty or distasteful to including their own sexuality
Sex Positive adj : a person who is comfortable with own sexuality and sexuality in general
Skeezer n : a male, closely related to the Old Greaser [See Old Greaser]. His 'open' relationship policy generally means he just likes to have intercourse with anything that moves.
Spice n : Plural of spouse
Spouse n : a persons husband or wife
Swing Club n 1 : a meeting place where recreational sexual activity take place 2 : an organization that support, encourage and promotes recreational sexual activities
Swinger n : a person who is sophisticated, ultra-fashionable, active , uninhibited in the pursuit of pleasure or sex
Swinging vb : Recreational sexual activity, also called "sport sex" where partner's or participant's agree to have casual sex with each other's. There is usually no emotional involvement. A form of monogamy in which usually two primary partners agree to have casual sex with other couples or singles
Synergy n : the state of a system in which the whole is greater taht the sum of its parts : similar harmony as expressed musically : synergism n : interaction of discrete agencies (as industrial firms), agents (as drugs), or conditions such that the total effect is greater than the sum of the individual effects synergist n; synergistic adj; synergistically adv
Trantra n : 1 Hindu or Buddhist scriptures dealing with techiques and rituals including meditative and sexual prictices 2 :TOUCH 3 : Yoga spiritual discipline 4 : SENSATION 5 : FEEL
Tertiary n or adj 1 : of third rank, importance, or value 2 cap : of, relating to, or being the earlier period of the Cenozoic era 3 : occurring in or being the third stage
Tertiary Partner n : a person of polyamorous orientation that is intimately involved in your life erratically, the person provides limited emotional support, usually does not provide economic support, sharing of resources, goal and life paths
Tertiary Relationship n or adj : a relationship which may include emotional support or sexuality on a one-time or highly erratic schedule, attention or energy is given in bursts but the relationship is not a consistent part of a persons life
Tolerance n 1 : the act or practice of tolerating; esp : sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from one's own 2 : the allowable deviation from a standard (as of size) 3 : the body's ability to become less responsive over time to something tolerant adj tolerantly adv
Traditional Monogamy n : only one partner who is a lifelong mate; primary intimacy and sexual fidelity only with this partner : also see monogamy
Triad n 1: any three person lovestyle. 2: three people involved in some way; most often used in a committed sense; in some cases involving ceremonies of commitment 3 : a union or group of three usu. closely related persons or things
Triangle n 1: (or equilateral triangle) relationship where three people are each involved with both of the others, sometimes also called a triad 2 : a plane figure that has three sides and three angles : a polygon having three sides 3 : something shaped like a triangle; triangular adj; triangularly adv
Trisexual n : a sexual orientation of a person who prefers to have sex with two or more partners simultaneously
Vee n : three people, where the structure puts one person at the bottom, or hinge" of the vee, also called the pivot point; in a vee, the arm partners are not as commonly close to each other as each is to the pivot
Zee n :Slang shape of four people in a poly relationship where two are sexual and two are not yet all four live in the same house

Thursday, December 04, 2014

Cynical Romantic

I'm not sure if I'm like other women.

I'm fairly anti-marriage...yet I'll still sometimes fantasize about a wedding...

I'm sarcastic and cynical when it comes to love...yet I like romantic gestures...

I like getting flowers once in awhile just as a 'I was thinking of you' type token...but not big expensive bouquets that would seem too extravagant...perhaps a lollipop...or something small even...

But then that big gesture of a big date (once in a blue moon) a dinner at a fancy restaurant followed by hours of just making

Ok so that might seem strange...but I'm big on the making out thing...just something about touching and caressing while a whole lot of kissing is happening...that exploration and wonder of how far can I go...will they say they like this...

I suppose that's why new relationships and or weekend flings can be fun at times.

Sometimes you just get into a groove and forget about stuff like that... what making out for the first time was like... or it's just known that this will be happening tonight...leaves some of the wonderment out of it.

Suppose that's why people will try out new things in the bedroom... or why some people hold back on telling someone about their kinks or fetishes or favourite things...for fear that the person they're with will think them a freak...and therefore wait a long long time before feeling comfortable enough to tell them...if they ever tell them.

There's really only one person I really divulged that information to... He knew my kinks and never found them taboo or to 'weird'... he never judged me or made me feel bad about any of them...

I'm not sure if I'll have that this time... I'm fairly certain there would be a level of judgement there that would make me feel embarrassed or ashamed for having said anything.

I'm a kinky cynic who loves romance and passion...

Not sure if I'll ever find that...

Monday, November 24, 2014

Loved or Lucky...?

Either way I'm feeling like both.

Today (Sunday) hasn't been the day I thought it was going to be.

Figured I'd wake up...maybe we'd have some breakfast...I'd chip away at some concrete blocks while Sugarbear worked on some electrical hookups.  (Reno that's happening in the basement). And then drag Sugarbear to the parade that the Boychild was in.

Was awoken with some makings of the lovings...and then Sugarbear says that we have to go to the mall to pick up a jersey for his nephew. I was a bit thrown but threw out the reno plans and was like alright...
Got up ran a brush through my hair and away we went.
So we get to the mall...btw for those who are new...I hate the mall in Nov and I have my we're on a mission mode on and start weaving through Sears to get to Sportchek...most obvious place to pick up a TML jersey.
So just outside of Sears in front of Santa's lil setup that's when Sugarbear decides to tell me that we're not actually there for the jersey and that we're actually there so that he can buy me a winter coat as his Christmas present to me...

I didn't know what to say... I was speechless and suddenly didn't know what to do... we hit a few stores...ok...maybe several... I really didn't know what to it dawns on me... I've never had a brand new off the shelf out of a department store winter coat before... I've always gotten hand me downs or have just picked something up from goodwill or value village or something...

I was verklempt and didn't know what to say...and for a while couldn't say anything without tears starting...and I didn't want to cry in front of him.

To some people it's just a's mine...
Sounds weird right?
I can't explain it. This coat has never been someone's just mine.

Even after going to the parade with Sugarbear and The Man... I still couldn't say Thank You...for fear that I would start crying.

As it was...Sugarbear and I went to bed...and laying in the dark I was finally able to say it...because then he couldn't see the tears at how truly grateful I am.

It was just so thoughtful and generous of him.

Even now I'm getting all teary again thinking of how much he makes my heart swell.
He's a good man and I'm so very glad to be with him.

Now I'm really fucking stuck on what to get him for Christmas... >.<

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Real Post Soon...ish

What sucks worse then cravings for food you very specifically are not supposed to eat...?

Having those cravings when over a week late.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Weigh-In Retake #2

I was so not looking forward to today's weigh in which is a a day or so early but whatevs...

I have been eating like shit for nearly 2 weeks... I know that the measurements of today are going to reflect that and I know it's going to make me unhappy...

I know it's going to affect them because... I've been feeling ill (not sick) for the past 4 days... headaches, joints hurt, breathing gets laboured and my heart has acted up a couple of times...

Sounds like the good ol days...(not so good ol days)...

So... new month... new plan...actually just more like no more excuses of "It's Hallowe'en!!"

But I digress and am stalling...

As usual info in the brackets will be gains and/or losses for the last 30ish days...everything is in inches...

Ankles - L 8.75 (-0.25) R 8.25 (-0.25)
Calves - L 16.25 (-0.25) R 16.25 (-0.25)
Thighs - L 23.5 (-1) R 24 (-1)

Wrists - L 6 (-0.5) R 6.25 (-0.25)
Forearms - L 10.5 (+0.5) R 10 (-1)
Biceps - L 14.5 (same) R 14 (same)

Hips - 46 (+0.5)
Belly - 44.5 (+2.5)
Waist - 37.75 (+1.75)
Under Bust-  35 (same)
Over Bust - 42 (-2)
Neck- 15 (same)

I knew my belly and waist were what was going to be the major change...when eating what I'm not suppose to that's where it goes first...

Thursday, October 30, 2014

On Sunday Night I Had A Baby...

I gave birth to a beautiful tiny baby girl who weighed 6 pounds and 12 ounces. She has a cute button nose, big blue eyes and ginger coloured hair.

On Monday, I rocked with her in a rocking chair and nursed her until she fell asleep. I changed her bottom. Gave her kisses and held her as much as I could.

On Tuesday she went up to the next size for nappies and her hair had grown longer and started to turn into little ringlets at the nape of her neck.

On Wednesday I went roller-skating with her strapped tightly into a snuggly and she made little giggly sounds as she felt the wind. I held her tight and nursed her often. Her eyes have started turning from blue to green.

And every morning I wake up and she doesn't exist.'s been an interesting week so far in dreamland...each night I have had a dream about this baby.
Gave birth to her Sunday night in a dream and each night since she's gotten a little older and I've been raising her, no idea whose baby she is, haven't given her a name, and it's always just the two of us in the dream.

Last night she seemed to be around the 2 month old mark so not exactly sure how she was making giggly noises but... yeah...

It sort of makes me want to take a nap to see if the dreams are going to keep coming or not... I figure though that after 4 nights I should write something down about them...for it is interesting that it's not a recurring dream of any's actually more episodic in nature...

And truthfully with the dark times here once again it sort of makes me wonder about messages coming through...

That's about what she looks like...

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Other Things...

Well now that that last post is out of the way I may actually be able to talk of other things.

I know that we're heading into the dark times again, it's that time of the year again. But holy shit it's sort of coming on with a vengeance this time. So many deaths, and dying going on right now that I'm feeling very empty and hollow. Like someone pulled the plug without telling me and I'm suddenly just completely drained. Being around most people is annoying me. What most people are saying is annoying me. I love Autumn, but when we head into the dark times I just want to crawl into a comfy bed and snuggle with one of my men and just say fuck it to the rest of the world.
However, Life doesn't lend itself very well to that idea, it requires me to get up out of bed and do stuff.
Sometime I would like to just stay at home (and for the most part in bed) for an entire winter. Doubt it's doable.

I judge people very harshly, I'm not sure why. I know I'm doing it and therefore can curb that somewhat but for the most part I hold people up to these ridiculously high standards. I get angry at them when they do something I wouldn't do. I don't tell them I'm angry, I just sort of mull it over and process it until I'm alright with it.
Sometimes a comment here and there will slip out, or a certain type of vernacular will be used and people will pick up on it, but I try really hard to help it nowadays.
It generally boils down to the fact that I am a selfish horrible person.

Just a statement of fact... I hate when Sugarbear is gone for two weeks...I get a bit bitchy and moody...
I also hate when The Man is gone for 2 weeks in and around the same time that Sugarbear is gone for two weeks. I seem to get extra bitchy and moody.

I have however gotten a hat and cowl set knitted in the time they were both gone. I should have been over at SB's place finishing up the inside of the house for the Hallowe'en party... but sometimes I get a bit lonely there without him.

I explained to SB a couple weeks ago the Man's and my situation a bit better, since he seemed afterward to understand it (from what he said). Not exactly sure where that leaves us.
Seems he didn't get the whole picture the first time around of trying to explain it to him, but anyway...

Few weeks ago...SB sort of took over the role of Big Daddy in my life... after it happened I found myself almost grieving the loss of Bing. I had wanted to talk with Bing about it (much to the chagrin of a few others I suspect). I didn't end up getting to talk to him about it, so decided to just leave it. I'm feeling better and SB is a new and yet fairly good Big Daddy. I have been enjoying this new addition to the non-relationship relationship (dating exclusively and only fucking each other, but not in a relationship for the better part of 9 months now...) we have going on. So yeah, again, still unsure where that leaves, besides just going with the flow.

I do need to curb my 'enthusiasm'...yeah we'll use that word for it. Green eyed monster comes out once in awhile and that's just not attractive.


Derby... ay yi yi...where to start...actually I'll just say this. If I could afford dues and gas-wise to go elsewhere to play derby, I totally would.

Meh... I don't know what else to write about right now... I'm tired and I just want it to be Friday already.

Just Breathing Through It...

I hate them.

They're young, slim, smooth and attractive. They catch the eye, make me nervous and want to throat punch someone.

I hate them. My stomach rolls when I see them, their pictures and I feel like I'm going to puke. My chest tightens and I feel myself starting to build a wall to harden so that the blow when it lands I can slough it off that it won't affect me.

I feel the venom I want to spit, the hatred bubbling up and I swallow it all back down. I feel the sneer take over and I want to lash out. I want to hurt everyone before they can hurt me. I want to gouge out their eyes.

Everything tightens up, winding tight like a spring...ready to be released at a moments notice.
I don't want to harden myself getting ready for the blow...I don't want to think that it's coming.

I'm not young any more... I've never been slim... I don't have a smooth stomach or even ass...

My jaw clenches as the tears start to prick at my chin quivers as my breathing deepens...
I try to smile but it comes out pained.

My throat burns as I try not to cry. Is the pain in the end worth the happiness of now...

just breathing through it... when it comes... it comes...

Thursday, October 02, 2014

Weigh-In Retake...

So...back to the drawing board...and starting this shit again...

It's been since March that I did a weigh-in of any sort... I figured I need to get back to it...

Dr Awesome looked at me at my last visit and asked me to stop killing myself... "You're too young and beautiful to be killing yourself. I don't want to see that happen."
I love him and his bluntness it usually helps keep me on track but the last few months I've just been like 'meh whatevs...'

Lately however, I've been feeling uncomfortable in my own skin...and I've been having cardiac episodes again...headaches every day...joint and back hip thinks it's 80...(part of that is because of having lost the weight and then putting some of it back on again)...

So here I go again.

No grains... No sugar... No starch... (yep right before Thanksgiving and Hallowe'en)

The list of what I can eat is really short in comparison... when people ask me what I can't eat... I'm not looking forward to this in the least... especially getting rid of sugar again... but I put on at least 25 lbs in the last 6 months...not good... that's almost half of what I had lost...

So... Weigh-In Retake...measured this I will again do at the beginning of each month...
(numbers in brackets will be losses or gains since the last measuring day - measurements are in inches)

Ankles  - L -9 (+0.25)  R -8.5 (+0.25)
Calves - L - 16.5 (+1) R -16.5 (+1)
Thighs - L - 24.5 (same) R -25 (-0.5)

Wrists - L -6.5 (+0.5) R -6.5 (+0.25)
Forearms - L -10 (+0.25) R -11 (+0.5)
Biceps - L -14.5 (+0.5) R -14 (-1)

Hips - 45.5 (+0.75)
Belly - 42 (+1.75)
Waist - 36 (same)
Under Bust - 35 (-0.5)
Over Bust - 44 (+2.5)
Neck - 15 (+0.5)

So there we have it... didn't gain back nearly as many inches as I thought but I definitely gained it back in one of the areas I didn't want to...

Would like to get back to this...

apprx 165 (ish) lbs Oct 2012 - was quite happy with myself

Me; MLP'd.

I found this in my news feed on Facebook on Wednesday morning when I still wasn't too sure...and it just rings so true for's done with My Little I wanted to post it here as a reminder...and it's not just those with whom I's all my friends...(hopefully the order doesn't get messed up after I hit 'publish'...)

Wednesday, October 01, 2014

Just Breathe...

Earlier today I was attempting to make up a post while on my phone and also in the middle of a bit of a mental phone was being an asshat and not allowing me into blogger so that I could type up said post...

Now that I'm home and in a much more peaceful state of mind... I'm really quite happy that my phone prevented  me from being able to post.

Sometimes I think that I shouldn't expose myself to new people and should just save them the hassle of getting to know me, because I can be such a handful at times and trying to the most saintly...

Those that know me really well know that I'm a fairly intense and passionate person. Not necessarily negative and yet not necessarily positive things either. It's just how I am. As I said in a chat earlier today... My happiness when I have it is intense, my sadness is intense, my anger is intense and when horny...well that gets pretty
It's like when they were handing out the doses of emotions to everyone I got greedy and ended up with 3 doses to everyone elses 1 dose.

I no longer apologize for this. It's who I am. It's likely why I have to deal with depression.

Where a text message from my Mum asking me if I'd like to come over for Thanksgiving and that she loves me can bring me to tears.

However, that intensity can bring a whole other level of awesomeness when it comes in the form of sex... may also explain a bit about my insatiable never ending libido as well... hmm now there's one I hadn't thought of.

My reward centre is fucked...when it wants something it wants it now and it doesn't want to stop getting

Anyway... I digress...

Today was a low day... A day were I was preparing for a painful hurt that hasn't happened and doesn't exist. I was prepping for an end that isn't in sight. I tried to skate it out, because sometimes that really it didn't. I tried laying in the bath and just tried to meditate and relax and let it go...and that didn't help.

I started chatting it out with Burton...and by 'started chatting it out' I sort of blind-sided her with a bit of a meltdown... Sometimes a level head that's 3000 miles away is what you need. And the convincing me that I should just say something to Sugarbear instead of fretting over what was probably nothing...
btw - no probably about it... it was nothing.
not that I want to discredit my own emotions...just sometimes they are like a run away train...especially around the end of the

I need to stop complicating shit...and I need to stop letting my brain convince me that everything is going to go to shit.

I also realized that I need to go back to taking my vitamin D...especially now that we'll be heading into winter again.

Taking a deep breath...

On the list of things marked as 'Other'...
I'm officially finished my job, need to find another it seems.
Skating is going to resume this Thursday,,,can't wait to get back to training. Although not looking forward to all the 'business' that goes along with the league.
I've been so sad, my beautiful friend Monette's 24 year old daughter died. And just a couple weeks ago my wonderful friend Judy lost her battle with cancer, leaving her lovely wife Oklahoma behind. I'm too far away from either of them to even give them a hug and tell them I love them.
Also.. I CANNOT wait until the hallowe'en party that's coming up in 24 days...!!

Hallowe'en 2012

Hallowe'en 2013

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Don't Play Well With Others...

That territorial thing is kicking in again...and I don't like it.

As I pointed out in a conversation I was having earlier today in a chat... "And you know me... I'm the jealous type that doesn't play well with others and not really good at sharing my toys..."

I think I need to step back a moment...reassess and see where to go from there... I will not fall back into the routine that comes with the territorial just makes me ugly...

I just want it all to stay as it was at that moment on Monday morning... 

Monday, September 29, 2014

I don't want to be invisible.

I love having impromptu Skype dates with my wifey (Burton) on a random Sunday night.
I was glad to catch up with her about her weekend last weekend when she was in Portland at a convention.
It made me step back from a blog post I was sitting down to make which probably would have been a lot of wondering and explaining...and blathering on about some other stuff (which I will likely still get to...eventually).

I miss my wife.

On Thursday I went out with Piper (haven't gone out for a while with him) he  picked me up and we went and sat in the truck out by the river in N-O-T-L out by one of the wineries.
Got caught up on life and had some happy leaf that got me semi distracted from our believe I kept texting Sugarbear telling him how I wish he was home that night...
He tried to make a move on me... *shakes head*  gotta say 'happy leaf' makes me really fucking horny...however...not so much so that I forget my place...

I ended up working on Friday...I think it was my last shift...not sure that's all up in the air...but with the way that Farmer is going and pissing me off lately...not sad that it would be my last shift. Must admit though that I had more fun at this job then I've had at most of the others I've had.  I didn't mind packing the fruit...and the people I was working with...all truly interesting stories unto themselves. I'm glad for the experience.

Got to chit the chat with Squasha for a bit back and forth via What'sApp...he went off to Germany for Oktoberfest...nice. I seriously would love to be able to go to visit him in Switzerland...take some trips around to other places in Europe... pipe dreams...they are

but any way...

The week started out was my birthday and I got my way (To get a hug and a kiss from both the men I lurves on my birthday - I'm easy to please sometimes.)... I slept at Sugarbears place Sunday night (which I don't normally do) woke up with him at 4:30 in the morning...had a few minutes of snuggle time where I got a sincere yet sleepy sounding happy birthday from him before he got up to get ready for work.
I got up threw on my clothes and came home after getting some more hugs and kisses and another happy birthday from SB in the drive.
Got home...a very sleepy and yet happy dog gave me some kisses before I told him to go back to sleep and slipped into bed with The Man, who gave me a hug and wished me a happy birthday before going back to sleep...
Later in the morning... he took me for breakfast which was nice. :)

Tuesday...things went a bit wonky and I felt as though I got punched in the gut. (not going into great detail...) found Sugarbear on another social media site of sorts and noticed that on his profile it said that he was single, looking for a relationship and a couple of other things.
It made me sad at first...and then I got angry...really angry.
I felt that he had lied to me and that he was just using me.
If ever there was anything that would make me pick up shop and's lying.
I didn't and still don't care if he has the profile, the thing that bothered me was that it stated that he is looking...

I wasn't going to say anything about it until he got home on Friday and was going to discuss it with him then but...before I was leaving to go to a 'birthday skate' I just couldn't not say something.
My feelings had been hurt and I felt used, betrayed and not good enough.
We had had a conversation about the two of us not too long ago where it was a case of we were happy being together and that we wouldn't be looking for or having sex with anyone else... (sort of a big thing for me...) So to come across that I... I'm not even sure how to describe it...I just felt all the air had been sucked out of the room for a moment.

Now yes we know that I can sometimes over react to stuff, however, I think I handled it pretty well when we were talking (via text - which btw big fucking kudos to him for starting the response with - 'I can't respond to this in text, won't get it worded correctly...' - text is a tricky fucking format when having a discussion with someone.)

So we talked it out and I thought, ok well knowing now that it bothers me I'm assuming he'll change it.
I felt much better having the reassurance there that he in fact is not looking and is quite happy in this non-relationship relationship that we seem to be (whatevs everyone calls him my boyfriend and me his girlfriend... people seem to need labels...)

Fast-forward to a couple days later (i.e. Thursday evening - after I got home from going for a smoke with Piper), I saw on my 'friend feed' that he had been active and what not while I was checking my messages. So I went over to his profile to see that we now have a mutual friend and chuckled at myself at who it was/is, and then noticed that it still said that he was/is looking for a relationship.

Didn't even get really disheartened...though didn't even really say anything about it until earlier this evening (Sunday) before I was leaving.

It bothers me. Shouldn't it?
Think what bothers me the most is the fact that by saying he's available and looking for possible relationships it tells me (even if it's not meant to convey this message) that I'm not important. I'm not good enough. He's keeping his options open in case something else comes along. I'm short term.

I've been these things. To others, I've been the weekend fling. The 'until someone better comes along'. The 'you're awesome and great but we can't be together'. The 'I love you but you're too much...'.

I've been made to feel unimportant, and the dirty little secret. I don't like it. I don't want to be that any more. Just made me feel like he's ashamed of me.

I know he doesn't love me, he's been quite up front and honest about that. There's a difference though. I'm not asking him to put anything up about the two of us being together, but to just not advertise that he's looking.

In comparison to how I used to be this is definitely not me over reacting but actually I think handling it so much better, because at least I'm saying out loud to him what bothers me and why it bothers me. Much better then clamming up and saying nothing is wrong and stewing over it for weeks and being passive aggressively bitchy...

It's the first thing that has really bothered me in the last 9 months with him. Seems so very minute of a thing and yet...

 .... meh.


The house is coming along great for the hallowe'en party that we're throwing... Sugarbear and Myself are hosting, The Man has been awesome coming over to help me with decorating during the week...which sort of weirds Leethal out when she comes to help. I think she's still trying to wrap her head around our relationships. Last weekend, The Man came over to help Sugarbear with a
I personally love seeing the two of them together. Sure they are completely different, and yet have a few different similarities...probably how/why I love 'em both.
pool table. Then they headed to The Man's fathers house (45 mins or so away) to pick up a fridge and stove, then they moved a washer out to the road and moved the fridge and stove in... (The Man also came over in the summer-ish time to help Sugarbear build his deck) I told Leethal about the two of them working together on this stuff and she was just like 'Whaaat? I don't...what?! Really? They're alright together??'

Figured out some lighting issues thanks to Sugarbears creative I'm feeling better about the light level in the house for the party. I'm getting really excited about how it's coming together.

Can't wait to post some pics of the finished product. I have people who can't make it to the party but they've asked if they could have a tour of the house when it's finished.

Went out with Sugarbear and The Man on Saturday, we were supposed to go see one of my favourite local bands, showed up at the place and it was packed and there was a big tent outside...didn't realize the kick off of grape and wine was going to be so big at this particular bar. So we got some drinks, listened to a few songs and then the tent portion was finished for the evening...and it was going to be impossible to get inside to the bar... so I'm hoping that we can maybe go next weekend to see them at another bar in town... 1st best part of my evening (the one that happened first) holding both of their hands whilst walking back to the car.... :)
If you want to hear about the other 'best parts of my evening' you'll have to subscribe to the R rated

....going to have to catch up in another post on another's now getting on to 3:30 a.m.... I need to sleep...