Wednesday, August 12, 2015

My Best Friend.

In 1998 at a Hallowe'en party standing at a table next to my best friend a person asked us... Are you two together? We looked at each other and then back at the person and in unison said 'No'... the person chuckled and said 'well you should be.' We looked at each other again and shrugged and said 'I dunno...ya wanna?'

That's when we started 'dating' and it was just after that we ended up moving in together... it was never an earth shattering falling in love or head over heels... it was a comfortable setup... we had always enjoyed each others company...

At the beginning I had been going through a lot of testing because there had been some abnormalities in some tests I had done on my cervix and after talking with my doctor about what comes next he suggested that if I wanted anymore children that I should likely do that rather soon because the procedures that he was talking about doing could limit whether or not I could have more children.
I already had the Manchild so I knew I wanted at least one more.

I was quite worried.

My best friend is/was The Man. We lived together and of course I love him. We discussed children and Boychild came along.

The Man and I also had conversations about the fact that he and I had vastly different needs when it came to sexual appetites.

He was actually the first one to bring up an open relationship and said that it would be more for my benefit. We established some ground rules which evolved and changed over time as things are want to do.

As time went on so did together and raising the boys and I would have a guy here or there to satiate my needs.

And then... I fell hard for another guy. I was confused...and distraught. I didn't know what to do...because of how I was raised I assumed that I couldn't possibly love two people. So I told The Man that I was leaving and moving away.

Shit happened...I came home. Moved back in with The Man and my boys.

Years later I fell in love with another...Bing. We tried to make it work with him so far away and The Man and I here. It lasted nearly 4 years before Bing didn't want to do it anymore.

The Man has been my go to when things are rough. I do love him. I never really fell in love with him though...I didn't have the butterflies and the always thinking about him stuff. There were and are times when I want him around to talk to and to figure shit out with, but I found that I was never really physically or sexually attracted to him like I was with the other two.

Over the last 2 and a half years we've been living more like room mates than like lovers. He's been my support when my anxiety attacks come or when my depression hits hard. He's been my touchstone when I'm trying to figure shit out with other men. Just like you would do with your best friend over wine or beer.

This last year and a half we've barely even slept together. Maybe as many times as I can count on one hand.

For nearly a year I had been exclusively with SB and The Man and I have just been room mate best friends living together. When the exclusivity with SB and I stopped in February, and I started dating others again, it was nice that it didn't change things with The Man and I.

And why not? If we still get on so well why should we bother to move apart? We still have a son at home who would benefit by having his parents here in the same house loving him and taking care of him. Financially it's easier on both of us to live in the same house.

I have a great amount of love for The Man and would hate to lose him from my life, he is as I said my greatest supporter and the best friend I could ever have.

In a world as cruel as the one we live in can be why not stick together as a clan?

I'm probably a dick for with a man who I care a great deal about especially because he's a great father to my child, but who I am not truly in love with. It works for us. We talk shit out about our feelings and we're honest about everything.
He's been compared to a saint for "dealing with me and my shit" according to friends and family...and me.

After 18 years we have settled into a groove of what works for us...why should I move out and struggle in a place of my own just to maybe find someone who would want to date me?

All the men I've been with tend to be amazed by me and then my novelty seems to wear off and they chuck me aside.

So why deal with that alone? I live with my best friend whose ear I can talk off about how dumb boys are for

I live with my best friend...he's the best damn room mate I could ever ask for.

August Weigh In

I've been getting frustrated because I've been going to the gym and working out pretty hardcore been going to derby and instead of seeing any signs of my weight going down I seem to keep yo-yoing up and down with the same 5 pounds.... not even going to lie it's been quite discouraging...

And with not getting feedback from those around me it seems like nothings changing at genuinely makes me feel like being a girl about it and crying...

Ankles   L 9 (same) R 8.5 (same)
Calves    L 16 (-0.5) R 16 (-1)
Thighs    L 26 (same) L 26 (same)
Wrists     L 6.25 (-0.25) R 6.5 (same)
Forearms L 10.5 (-0.25) R 10 (-0.75)
Biceps     L 15 (+1) R 14.75 (+1)

Hips 46 (+1)
Belly 40.5 (-4.5)
Waist 36.25 (-2.75)
U.Bust 36 (+0.5)
O.Bust 41 (-3)
Neck 15 (+0.5)

I seem to still be hovering around the 205 lbs mark I wasn't able to actually weigh myself because I wasn't at the gym on Monday like usual - Pinky's off camping right now until tomorrow...

Sunday, August 09, 2015


Not fair to say secret emotionally feely type things in your sleep.

Saturday, August 08, 2015

Snippets of Moments

In those moments...short in comparison of all the moments spent those short moments I can see it in your eyes...when looking at the way your fingers make their  way across my skin...your hands glide across the span of my our bodies get more entwined...pressing closer together...

As you then look down at's the only time you seem to really look at me...
In those  moments we're together by ourselves in the quiet of the room...the only noises are those we make...the results from our explorations of each other...

It's these snippets of time that I see something I so wish I could see  all the time...

A glimpse past the and over the wall...the barricade that is up all the time... I peek at the softness...the creamy nougat if you will...

I get to feel your energy change and the intensity of which it flows from you...
The part of you that I would bet that only one perhaps two others have ever seen...

It's that part that mirrors what I feel all the time. It mirrors and reflects...

In those moments we are so in sync those moments are when forever lasts but one second.

You broke me.

You broke me and changed the way I see things. You changed the way I wanted things.

I can't tell you.
If I did you'd run again.

I don't runaway, I try to save myself from saying things that you don't want to hear.
I save myself from hearing you say cruel things...I save myself from feeling unwelcome and uncertainties.

We don't know what you want.

When things are good they are so so very good.
When things were bad...they were horribly cruel and spiteful.

I don't feel wanted until those moments...those tiny moments where you hold me close and kiss me deeply.
And make me feel like you do love.