I Still Love My Babys Poundcake

Sometimes the hardest thing you can ever do is give up...

I've always prided myself on the fact that I don't give up when doing something, or when I want something. I find a way to make it happen if I can.

As a recovering addict, and someone who has an addictive personality sometimes giving up is exactly what I have to do.

I've worked really hard on myself, to make myself better and look at myself in a better light.
I use to drink, do drugs, and have sex essentially wherever I could get it. I had to dig deep and learn some very ugly truths about myself - I was ashamed. I was selfish. I was uncompassionate. I was insecure. I was stupid. I was guilty. I was reckless.

Learning the ugly truths about yourself is how you can learn, grow and change to become a better person.

Counselling, 12 step program, Depression, Anxiety, Therapy...

I didn't want to hurt people anymore. I didn't want to sleep with others husbands...or wives... I didn't want to contribute to their immoral acts against their loved ones. I didn't want to continue to look for love in sex. I didn't want to just be a bed warmer for a few hours, day after day. I didn't want to be a part of disgusting behaviours.
I didn't want to wake up in the mornings anymore not knowing what happened the night before, not remembering who I may have been with and how I may have been with them.

Getting high...Getting drunk...Getting fucked...all pretty euphoric...all pretty addictive.

Soon that's how I would deal with stress...how I dealt with anything really...

Today I had to give up on someone...that's hard. I'm notorious for giving at least eleventy billion chances to people...

Hell I gave Sugarbear 4 years of my life - hoping that he would someday see that I'm a beautiful soul and a great person...that I make an exceptional partner in crime...that we could take on the world together and we would be unstoppable rockstars...
Oh yeah...and it nearly killed me... I nearly killed myself. I nearly lost myself in the depths of the darkest depression.

****

April-ish it would have been one year of me sitting on stand-by, being a pseudo girlfriend, partner in crime...well you get the drift... I told Poundcake this morning that I couldn't do that anymore.
I can't hold onto hope for something that isn't going to happen. I feel like after this long it's become blazingly clear that I'm not the one he wants. If I was, I feel like it would have happened.
So instead of making a fool of myself any longer while he stepped out with another, and drinks his life away...I said goodbye to that portion of our life. It makes my heart sore...we could have been the rockstars...we could have been the ones to take on the world together... we've always had so much fun together... we have so many inside jokes...funny moments that make us giggle... he could have had the love and devotion of someone... I could have had my Poundcake and eat it too...lol

In less time Poundcake... had me - fully and completely.
I told him things I never told anyone - I shared stories with him
We would talk for hours at a time about anything and everything...

Then things started to change...
He looked at his phone more often when I was trying to tell him something.
He stopped asking me about my day or how I'm feeling...
He stopped trying to make me smile as much...
He would say 'Pardon...' more often when I would watch his attention divert...
He became secretive...stopped sharing things with me..
He started drinking even more...would care more about the percentage of the alcohol in the drink than, what I was saying to him...
His quips became less banterish and more cruel...
It became funny to put me down in front of other people...
He stopped showing any signs of PDA... and would give me quick secretive kisses before getting out of the car...
He started caring more about the LCBO, the craft breweries, wineries...we hardly went to fleamarkets or out for walks anymore...
He use to wish me a good morning every morning with a lil emoji kiss...
He use to wish me a good night with a little emoji kiss...
The emoji kisses ...became few and far between...then stopped.

Even when all the changes started...they were all small...so I didn't really notice them...then I woke up one day and went...wait... why am I always texting first now...?

Then I realized it had been like that for a bit, and slowly the light was getting brighter and brighter on all the changes that had been happening...

And there was a dawning - if I'm no longer getting his attention and affections...someone else is..

I had a dream the one night that shook me to the core and I wasn't sure exactly why it shook me - the answer came last night when I saw the two of them together...

The silver fox and the tick disguised as the ladybug.

That's when I knew - I had to be done - because if I wasn't, I would go down the Sugarbear path all over again...

I was in such a white rage last night that I woke up so very calm this morning - that scary, quiet, very still calm - that's when I knew I was done.

I'm convinced now that I will never find someone that I love that will ever love me as much as I love them... Big Daddy... Sugarbear... Poundcake...

I'm done. My heart is broken. I will never find that someone that I love with my all and have them love me. Third strike... I'm out.

How can anyone hurt someone to this point?
How can they know that they have broken another persons heart and spirit?
How can they do that?

Not again.

What's Going To Happen Next...?

I've been entirely too comfortable in the situation I've been in since the long weekend at the beginning of August.

I have essentially been living in Guelph, with Noise.
For reasons that aren't my business to be sharing, needless to say I've been driving him back and forth from Guelph to Stratford every morning for work, and from Stratford back to Guelph each evening after work. To some that might be a huge inconvenience, I've actually really been enjoying it.

It's coming to an end at the beginning of October, I'm sure he'll be glad to be rid of me and not have to deal with silent car rides or my dislike of loud music in the morning.
I'm going to be sad, I know I am because I'm already sad as the days tick on. I've really enjoyed staying with him. As I've said a bit too much I think.

It's weird, I was so excited about moving into a new apartment down in St Catharines, but now when I've been there I just sort of feel like a visitor in what's suppose to be my own home.

I haven't been great at showing or hiding my emotions at times. This has been no different. I feel the end coming. I started to well up a couple of times. I'm gonna miss him and the days we've had together.

Ridiculous notion came into my head the other day while I was doing some errands around Stratford... Lots of the stores that I went to all had help wanted signs up and on more than one occasion I actually found myself saying 'hm I could work here' - to myself of course.

I don't know how to say what it is that I'm thinking at the moment, and I fear if I was to say any of it that it would likely just freak him the fuck out. So I keep things to myself.
I've been genuinely happy - since about April. Happy with myself especially. I feel like I woke up and came back to myself after all the unpleasantness that I had been through and shut myself away because of.

I don't know what's going to happen from here on out - my life has been sort of hanging in a weird limbo of uncertainty, which I've been oddly okay with...until now.

Something for the last couple of days has been gnawing at me and I can't quite put my finger on it. Perhaps I just don't want to admit it either. It's going to be painful. It's going to be a change that I'm not going to like...I'll adapt. I always do after all.

It's what I do. I help. I fix. Then I'm on my way, sometimes voluntarily sometimes not. Can't hold on to something too tightly or it slips away even faster. We shall see though - like they always say No One Knows The Future... except the Shadow knows...lol

I just wish I had the stability to put my feet down - hanging in limbo can get so taxing on the soul and the spirit.

What's going to happen to me?

Snippets of Moments

In those moments...short in comparison of all the moments spent apart...in those short moments I can see it in your eyes...when looking at me...in the way your fingers make their  way across my skin...your hands glide across the span of my body...as our bodies get more entwined...pressing closer together...

As you then look down at me...it's the only time you seem to really look at me...
In those  moments we're together by ourselves in the quiet of the room...the only noises are those we make...the results from our explorations of each other...

It's these snippets of time that I see something I so wish I could see  all the time...

A glimpse past the and over the wall...the barricade that is up all the time... I peek at the softness...the creamy nougat if you will...

I get to feel your energy change and the intensity of which it flows from you...
The part of you that I would bet that only one perhaps two others have ever seen...

It's that part that mirrors what I feel all the time. It mirrors and reflects...

In those moments we are so in sync those moments are when forever lasts but one second.

You broke me.

You broke me and changed the way I see things. You changed the way I wanted things.

I can't tell you.
If I did you'd run again.

I don't runaway, I try to save myself from saying things that you don't want to hear.
I save myself from hearing you say cruel things...I save myself from feeling unwelcome and uncertainties.

We don't know what you want.

When things are good they are so so very good.
When things were bad...they were horribly cruel and spiteful.

I don't feel wanted until those moments...those tiny moments where you hold me close and kiss me deeply.
And make me feel like you do love.

Strange Rambling Train...

I cry.

I know technically we all do at some point in our lives...obviously. I just sometimes do it more then others.

The first memory I have of crying as a child...where if I sit here and think back. I was really young and I found out that if anything should ever happen to my parents that my sister and I would be raised by our godparents...but then it dawned on me that we had different godparents...so therefore if something ever happened to my parents my sister and I wouldn't be together any more...
(I think I was around 6 or so when I was trying to work this out in my brain.)
It was after we had been sent to bed and I was laying there in bed and I had realized (if I was correct) that if my parents died, I would not only lose them and they wouldn't be alive any more but I would have also lost my sister and I would be all by myself living at my grandparents house.

I started to cry. I started to cry so hard that my mum came in to find out why I was crying. When she came in she asked me why I was crying and all I could manage to say was "I don't want you to die." She of course thought that was the oddest thing for me to say and told me she wasn't going to die and to go to sleep.

To me that shows just a sneak peek of how it is my brain works...oddly.

I think it was around that time that I didn't want people to leave and forget about me.

It's blossomed into a strange issue of mine.

People move away, people die, people fade away...

I was forgotten a lot as a child by my parents... that was a contributing factor as well.

I remember one night at my dance lessons (One night a week I had 3 classes in one night. So was at the school from 5pm until about 9pm). My mum would drop me off after school and then pick me back up afterwards. I was still sitting out front after all the classes had been let out. It wasn't until the last teacher was heading to her car that I realized just how late my mum was. My stomach was upset and I was on the verge of tears when the teacher asked if I wanted to go back upstairs with her and try to call my mum. I was standing up to go with her when suddenly my mum came flying into the parking lot. Her first words when I got into the car was 'I totally forgot you were here.'
I just nodded and had to keep looking out the window because I had started to cry.

I've tried really hard to not forget people. I've also tried to remind myself that no matter what I do some people will forget about me and that it's ok.

(but back to the crying)

I cry when I think about how I feel about people. Whenever I try to put into words how someone has touched me or how they've made me feel or even how I feel about them.

I tell my friends when I'm proud of them, when I'm disappointed, and I love them... I try to make sure to tell people how I feel about them because...well...life's too short.

I've never regretted telling anyone how I feel or how they make me feel. I think I've made people feel uncomfortable with telling them maybe how in depth it is I feel.

I stay quiet because I tend to be intense...

I want to know everything...constantly wanting to learn more about people...I want to know what makes them tick...what makes them think the way they do...How everything affects them...How does everything make them feel... Why is their favourite song their favourite...How do they pick their favourite sports team... what's their favourite meal... how did they feel when their heart broke for the first time... is sex a deep connection that tingles every nerve ending throughout their body too... does staring into the eyes of your lover make you feel more connected to them as you cum... does the smell of your cum with theirs turn you on... do they look in the mirror and look how they think they look...
I want to know everything...about everyone...

I want to know if when someone runs their fingers across your skin, does it feel like a thousand little caresses...does it make your breath catch...does it send a almost numbing sensation to your brain...does the feel of their bare skin make you bite your bottom lip and lean into their touch...

Does the sun make you smile just looking up into it and closing your eyes and feeling the warmth of it... does the smell of your favourite flower make you smile and make your muscles relax...does the sound of your lovers laugh make you feel at home...does an unkind word from someone slip into your brain and bang around in your head getting louder and louder until that's all you hear when you see that person...

Is life as intense to everyone else?

Laugh or Cry. (or both)

Intense Orgasm...could bring on one or the other,,,only once has it done both.

strange rambling random train of thought....

OCEAN traits for Me.

Just gonna leave that right there...

I don't want to be invisible.

I love having impromptu Skype dates with my wifey (Burton) on a random Sunday night.
I was glad to catch up with her about her weekend last weekend when she was in Portland at a convention.
It made me step back from a blog post I was sitting down to make which probably would have been a lot of wondering and explaining...and blathering on about some other stuff (which I will likely still get to...eventually).

I miss my wife.

On Thursday I went out with Piper (haven't gone out for a while with him) he  picked me up and we went and sat in the truck out by the river in N-O-T-L out by one of the wineries.
Got caught up on life and had some happy leaf that got me semi distracted from our conversation...do believe I kept texting Sugarbear telling him how I wish he was home that night...
He tried to make a move on me... *shakes head*  gotta say 'happy leaf' makes me really fucking horny...however...not so much so that I forget my place...

I ended up working on Friday...I think it was my last shift...not sure that's all up in the air...but with the way that Farmer is going and pissing me off lately...not sad that it would be my last shift. Must admit though that I had more fun at this job then I've had at most of the others I've had.  I didn't mind packing the fruit...and the people I was working with...all truly interesting stories unto themselves. I'm glad for the experience.

Got to chit the chat with Squasha for a bit back and forth via What'sApp...he went off to Germany for Oktoberfest...nice. I seriously would love to be able to go to visit him in Switzerland...take some trips around to other places in Europe...

Oh...my pipe dreams...they are vast...lol

but any way...

The week started out great...it was my birthday and I got my way (To get a hug and a kiss from both the men I lurves on my birthday - I'm easy to please sometimes.)... I slept at Sugarbears place Sunday night (which I don't normally do) woke up with him at 4:30 in the morning...had a few minutes of snuggle time where I got a sincere yet sleepy sounding happy birthday from him before he got up to get ready for work.
I got up threw on my clothes and came home after getting some more hugs and kisses and another happy birthday from SB in the drive.
Got home...a very sleepy and yet happy dog gave me some kisses before I told him to go back to sleep and slipped into bed with The Man, who gave me a hug and wished me a happy birthday before going back to sleep...
Later in the morning... he took me for breakfast which was nice. :)

Tuesday...things went a bit wonky and I felt as though I got punched in the gut. (not going into great detail...) found Sugarbear on another social media site of sorts and noticed that on his profile it said that he was single, looking for a relationship and a couple of other things.
It made me sad at first...and then I got angry...really angry.
I felt that he had lied to me and that he was just using me.
If ever there was anything that would make me pick up shop and leave...it's lying.
I didn't and still don't care if he has the profile, the thing that bothered me was that it stated that he is looking...

I wasn't going to say anything about it until he got home on Friday and was going to discuss it with him then but...before I was leaving to go to a 'birthday skate' I just couldn't not say something.
My feelings had been hurt and I felt used, betrayed and not good enough.
We had had a conversation about the two of us not too long ago where it was a case of we were happy being together and that we wouldn't be looking for or having sex with anyone else... (sort of a big thing for me...) So to come across that I... I'm not even sure how to describe it...I just felt deflated...like all the air had been sucked out of the room for a moment.

Now yes we know that I can sometimes over react to stuff, however, I think I handled it pretty well when we were talking (via text - which btw big fucking kudos to him for starting the response with - 'I can't respond to this in text, won't get it worded correctly...' - text is a tricky fucking format when having a discussion with someone.)

So we talked it out and I thought, ok well knowing now that it bothers me I'm assuming he'll change it.
I felt much better having the reassurance there that he in fact is not looking and is quite happy in this non-relationship relationship that we seem to be in...lol (whatevs everyone calls him my boyfriend and me his girlfriend... people seem to need labels...)

Fast-forward to a couple days later (i.e. Thursday evening - after I got home from going for a smoke with Piper), I saw on my 'friend feed' that he had been active and what not while I was checking my messages. So I went over to his profile to see that we now have a mutual friend and chuckled at myself at who it was/is, and then noticed that it still said that he was/is looking for a relationship.

Didn't even get mad...got really disheartened...though didn't even really say anything about it until earlier this evening (Sunday) before I was leaving.

It bothers me. Shouldn't it?
Think what bothers me the most is the fact that by saying he's available and looking for possible relationships it tells me (even if it's not meant to convey this message) that I'm not important. I'm not good enough. He's keeping his options open in case something else comes along. I'm short term.

I've been these things. To others, I've been the weekend fling. The 'until someone better comes along'. The 'you're awesome and great but we can't be together'. The 'I love you but you're too much...'.

I've been made to feel unimportant, and the dirty little secret. I don't like it. I don't want to be that any more. Just made me feel like he's ashamed of me.

I know he doesn't love me, he's been quite up front and honest about that. There's a difference though. I'm not asking him to put anything up about the two of us being together, but to just not advertise that he's looking.

In comparison to how I used to be this is definitely not me over reacting but actually I think handling it so much better, because at least I'm saying out loud to him what bothers me and why it bothers me. Much better then clamming up and saying nothing is wrong and stewing over it for weeks and being passive aggressively bitchy...

It's the first thing that has really bothered me in the last 9 months with him. Seems so very minute of a thing and yet...

 .... meh.

Onward...

The house is coming along great for the hallowe'en party that we're throwing... Sugarbear and Myself are hosting, The Man has been awesome coming over to help me with decorating during the week...which sort of weirds Leethal out when she comes to help. I think she's still trying to wrap her head around our relationships. Last weekend, The Man came over to help Sugarbear with a
I personally love seeing the two of them together. Sure they are completely different, and yet have a few different similarities...probably how/why I love 'em both.
pool table. Then they headed to The Man's fathers house (45 mins or so away) to pick up a fridge and stove, then they moved a washer out to the road and moved the fridge and stove in... (The Man also came over in the summer-ish time to help Sugarbear build his deck) I told Leethal about the two of them working together on this stuff and she was just like 'Whaaat? I don't...what?! Really? They're alright together??'

Figured out some lighting issues thanks to Sugarbears creative thinking...so I'm feeling better about the light level in the house for the party. I'm getting really excited about how it's coming together.

Can't wait to post some pics of the finished product. I have people who can't make it to the party but they've asked if they could have a tour of the house when it's finished.

Went out with Sugarbear and The Man on Saturday, we were supposed to go see one of my favourite local bands, showed up at the place and it was packed and there was a big tent outside...didn't realize the kick off of grape and wine was going to be so big at this particular bar. So we got some drinks, listened to a few songs and then the tent portion was finished for the evening...and it was going to be impossible to get inside to the bar... so I'm hoping that we can maybe go next weekend to see them at another bar in town... 1st best part of my evening (the one that happened first) holding both of their hands whilst walking back to the car.... :)
If you want to hear about the other 'best parts of my evening' you'll have to subscribe to the R rated version...lol

....going to have to catch up in another post on another day...it's now getting on to 3:30 a.m.... I need to sleep...

Wowzers..too long...

Wow.

I haven't written anything since like July... I'm not even sure where to start to tell you the truth.

SB and I are still doing the weekend thing...I'm still crazy about him and he still kind of drives me crazy...in good and bad ways.

The Man and I are still doing what we do...

The kids are still growing up and older and turning into interesting young men that I still adore.

Burton is still doing the 'living in California' thing and I hate it. I miss my wifey every day.

I miss the desert.

I've been decorating SB's house for a Hallowe'en party that we're throwing on the 25th of October. We just picked up our costumes the other day...we got a 'couples' costume...both being characters from a specific story/movie/video game... first time I've done that...

I can't remember if when I was a nun, the Man was the priest or if we had done those on different years.

Bing had a birthday.

I got a job... I don't like the job but I do have a lot of fun at work.

As I sit here typing this I am wearing a fez.

I got to play my first season of roller derby...the league is on hiatus at the moment...we're doing some restructuring...if things don't change I'll likely leave I'm tired of the petty bullshit that happens.

My body has ached every day since the beginning of July.

I need to go see Dr Awesome... I think I have the hip of an 80 year old woman.

SB has done things to me while in bed that I've never done with another person...which is saying a lot considering what his number is.

I miss Squasha.

I've been missing skating...haven't had my skates on since the 28th of August... it sucks that the league has to go searching out a place to call home during the winter months.

me. in a fez. crazy.

...

That is my lame attempt at a blog post this evening....

Big Tall Men...Yes Please

If I was to have a 'type' I would say tall/large men...right off the cuff...

We all have our types some don't have a specific one...most people would say that mine is tall men with shaved heads and goatees...but...not exactly...

I will admit that I do miss being with a taller man (taller = 6'1" and up)

There's just something about being dwarfed by someone else when getting spooned... I first experienced the feeling when I was 17... I had a boyfriend at the time who was 24 and he was big and tall and soooo cuddly...

We had a really long night and the next day I was tired mid-afternoon so I said I was going to lay down for a nap... he came with even though he wasn't tired, just because he wanted to lay with me... (d'aw how sweet...pfft) he didn't even try to make any moves on me...anyway... we were at my Sister's apartment and we got into bed and I was nearly giddy with how little I was compared to him...he snuggled in behind me, my head under his chin and when we 'curled' up my feet were at his shins...when his arm went around me I practically disappeared...and actually my Sister did at one point come in to see if we were asleep and she didn't think I was there, she couldn't see me...

I've loved the feeling of that and have tried many times to get that feeling again...and I have... just not very often...

I'm not sure how I ended up with a man who is under 6' but I do love the hell out of him...that's one of his flaws though...lol

And lately it seems like the men I've been with have all been under 6' and I seriously need to rectify that and soon....lol

There's no better feeling to me then being wrapped up in the arms of a man, especially one that can make you feel so warm, and safe at that moment. Not saying that shorter men can't do that, not in the least... I just really dig the big tall men... ;)

Was thinking about that while in the shower today... thought I'd share.

I do know that it's remembrance day and I do honour that in my own way...wearing a poppy over my heart and the dog tag of my favourite vet...

There's also been a lot of stuff going on that I need to get down before I forget about it, but some of it isn't mine, some of it has back story, some of it I am trying to shake off before I sit down to write about it.

No Weigh In Today...But Try This On For Size...

Re-experiencing... Avoidance... Numbing...

Those are the three out of four that I have... I would have never thought it myself but when ya sit right down and think it through... I'm not sure if anxiety attacks would be a symptom as well but I do have those as well...

I would have never thought about it except that The Man made a comment that sort of stuck with me a few weeks ago until I finally started looking into it... I think if he hadn't made the comment I would have still been left wondering...

Now I need to figure out how to deal with it all...

It seemed to pop up even worse when stressed about the Manchild...which I should really sit down and vent about that situation as well...but...I just haven't had the heart to sit here crying to release all my frustrations while I type...

I started knitting again...

It's really therapeutic...it's like when Finnick just knots the rope over and over and over again during and after the Games it sort of keeps him from breaking down or freaking out...and when Katniss starts to feel herself slipping away and she visits with him he gives her some of his rope...and they tie and untie knots until their hands start to bleed just so they can keep it together (Hunger Games reference fyi)...the knitting seems to be doing that for me at the moment...just been sitting here each night knitting and watching Doctor Who...(that's a whole other blog post as well...my thoughts on Doctor Who and  on Whovians....lol)

I need to keep my hands busy or I start to feel a little crazy at times....so yeah...been trying to keep busy...

Anyway...I know I'm supposed to do my weigh in today but it seems that the devil of periods has decided to bestow upon me another gift...so...instead I give you the story I shared yesterday about my last year and my health and weight loss...weigh in to follow in the next day or two...


I wanted to sit down and tell ya all a little story about myself (how vain I know) :P

At this time last year I was approximately 225 to maybe 230 pounds. Of course I never would step on a scale because of the fact that well...I was fat.
Not only was I fat I was extremely unhealthy. I thought I had been eating a healthy and balanced diet when I was making sure that my family and I were eating from the food groups and not over indulging at meals, keeping snack/junk foods to a minimum and eating out rarely.

I, however, was no where near as healthy as I thought I was. I had been going to doctors for various reasons...had a heart condition, had issues with infertility, constant headaches, irritability, constant pain in my back, obesity and many other issues. What scared me the most was when I went to the doctor because I had had months of weakness, numbness, tingling and other strange symptoms happening in my legs and arms. I would be serving dinner and would drop plates full of food because my hands would suddenly go weak, or I would have to stay in bed for days because my legs would be so weak I would fall. I really believed that by the end of 2012 I would be in a wheelchair or worse.

My doctor had almost given up on me, having had me tested for some many things he had just wanted to label me as having fibromyalgia and leave it at that. However, me being the wonderfully persuasive person that I can be at times, told him that wasn't good enough. He sent me to a physiologist (who also has many other doctorates/certificates) who literally saved my life.

He put me on a very specific diet, gave me stretches that I have to do (to realign my hips, back, knees, ankles...) after having talked to me for nearly 2 hours to get a thorough medical history on me. It seems that I had sugar toxicity, where the foods I was eating when they would break down into sugar, as they all do at some rate, was slowly poisoning me. The diet was/is so strict that I can't have any grains, any starches or any sugar (of course)...and also had found out that most of my back pain was because I was way out of alignment in my pelvis and hips.

It's been nearly a year now that I've been following doctors orders (on the odd occasions where I'm an asshole to myself and have something I shouldn't)

Every month at the beginning of the month I do a weigh in and do my measurements from head to toe...it's one of my motivators (not a big one...but...) It's almost time for me to do it again...over the holidays I had made myself ill by eating stuff I really wasn't suppose to...(it was my first christmas with trying to stick to a strict diet...though I was good and stayed away from sweets)...

So since March of last year to last month I've lost overall 33 inches...and 50.8 pounds...(that's going up and down a bit of course...we all do) and going from a size 24 pants to a size 14...

What I need after doing this for a year (almost) is a group of friends who can help keep me going...during holidays, times of stress, that time of the month...when I really want sweets and comfort foods...

Xmas I believe of 2010 (might be 2009)

Jan 18th of 2013

Can't Seem To Quit.

Oh my god...

So much to say but then I sit down and look at this blank white [age and wonder to myself how relevant anything I type will actually be... will it make any sense...will I just ramble on cryptically just to get stuff out of my system...should I just out and out say stuff...

Been trying to be very stoic about the shite in my head... it's not all emo shit there's been lots going on... but there is a lot of emotional shite tied up with all the goings on...

Hence my escaping I suppose.

Not really online for the most part...not really wanting to interact with the public...not really even wanting to do anything here...just wanting to veg...outside of my head...


A trinket so personal that I can wear that has so much meaning to both brings a comfortable feeling of closeness that I no longer have anymore, shouldn't really have anymore and really will likely never ever have anymore beyond the wearing of the thing.

Meh...I need a smoke.

Then I'll be as right as rain.

Fun With Words

I love the English language and how wonderfully diverse it can be...however it can also be a fickle, strange, twisted and fucked up mistress...I always thought learning other languages were difficult....having tried to learn and retain as much French, and to also try to learn Spanish...I found/find them difficult...

However, looking at the English language now, especially when the boys have some sort of homework to do, or when they just run across new words that they don't know...sometimes it makes me sit back and go 'hmm' no wonder they find that confusing...

I don't tend to think too much about everyday conversations and the words used...

However, when I'm sitting down to write a letter, an email or some sort of correspondence with someone that I don't know very well...I think long and hard about what I'm saying, how I'm saying it and how it might be perceived...and that's when I definitely make sure that I know what each word means and if they have multiple meanings and how each one could be taken...

I also like to use words that some people assume they know the meaning of...such as the word awful....the 4th definition of the word Awful is full of awe; reverential... most people don't think of that definition...so when used with that in mind as it's meaning it throws people off...

So when you use a word that some depict as a positive thing and it actually can be something not so positive it's more of a backhanded insult and it can be fun to have them thinking that you complimented them when in actuality you just told them you hope they die....

*chuckles*

Fun with words... I love words... they can be the softest sweetest most loving things....or they can be the most vile, evil, heart-wrenching and cruelest things you could ever wield... it all just depends on mood (usually)

And for those literal minded people like myself... word play can be so entertaining...

For Example....

 

Fickle and Deadly.

Jax: You need to calm down and think clearly
Tara: I've never been more clear in my life.
Jax: Yeah, Rage feels like that.

I have Love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and Rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one I will indulge the other.

I do not like being lied to, I don't think anyone really does. When you lie to someone you're insulting their intelligence. When you lie to them you never know what your own tells are. You might have one that people notice that you don't even realize, which then just makes you look like an idiot for trying to lie in the first place.

There is a calmness that comes when you are enraged, it takes a minute to find it. Generally in that calmness is when the plotting starts. It's human nature to want to take revenge on those who have wronged you in some way. Most of us try to rise above that and let it pass us by, because it may not be worth the fight, or the consequences would be too grand.

I generally prefer to choose words. They can be some of the most hurtful things that you can do to someone. Words stick with people and they roll around in their brains and gnaw away at they're self worth. I've not cut anyone down in a really long time with my words and am not even sure if I could anymore. So many times I've turned the other cheek that I'm running out of cheeks to turn.

It's very quiet and serene today, as I sit on the second floor balcony. Listening to the children playing at the school  and park, and listen to the hum of the vehicles that go by. The sun is shining down on my face and I'm finally starting to get warm again. I can hear a dog barking in the distance and can't help but wonder if my Zuulie-Bear misses me.
My ankle hurts. I don't know why, I've not been nearly as active here as I have been at home.

Every few moments I just stop, close my eyes, take a deep breath and let the calmness take me over again.

There's things I'd like to say.  Things I can't quite put into words yet. Things I'd like to do. Things I worry about, things I'm trying to let go of. Worry is such a waste and yet I do it so much.
I wish it was just as easy as stopping....but it really isn't.

I worry about how things will be when I'm gone.

Why should I care, I'll be gone. Never to be heard from or seen again. So why should I worry?

*shrug*

I don't know but I still do.

Love is fickle. Very very fickle.

And nearly as deadly as Hope.

And Life Goes On...

They said to expect 2 to 3 days up to possibly 2 weeks of bleeding like a normal to heavy menstrual cycle.

What they didn't ever say was that there was a possibility that there'd be no bleeding... yeah I'm a bit mystified by it.

Had some pretty bad cramping yesterday when I came to in the hospital, and was bleeding then...came home and took a couple of advil...was a bit dizzy and nauseous from the anesthetic... had a good sleep last night...

Still had some slight cramping today but for the most part...no bleeding...

Not sure if I should be happy or worried. *shrugs*

I was doing some laundry today...did some dishes...didn't feel much different then any other day...but still been real good about not lifting anything heavy or too physical ...even though I felt as though I should be doing some other stuff...

did light things...did some more sewing...been making yoga pants and dresses from old t-shirts that are too big for me now...or just don't suit me much any more...

pulled down my suitcase and garment bag but still seems a bit too early to start packing...ya know since I only have so much clothing that'll fit at the moment...

been gathering some 'things' and some 'stuff' to start packing up... but a bit unsure of how things'll be in Reno... especially the weather...

good news though...I'll be all healed up and won't have to take it easy while I'm there...even though I'll likely be getting my R & R on while I'm down there...

I'm getting really excited...it's already next week when I leave...hoping that my ankle holds up on the 20th with walking through airports and shit...

The Man and I were talking about what we're going to do tomorrow...he was thinking of going to work out...I might just go and walk the track... I'm not allowed to swim or workout yet...

Some odd things on the list of do's and don'ts...but the most odd one was for 12 hours after surgery I wasn't to cook or use electrical appliances...no reasons why...just don't do it... lol

I should look it up to see if there is a reason listed somewhere.

Birthday Wishlist...
See Pacific...
Layers by Scentsy combo - Daily Layers - Satin Sheets
Lose my belly fat
Nook Colour
Roller Derby Shirt a Month Club :)
iTouch
iPhone
Vibrator
Fancy Underpants

Pyramid Lake 2010

I often stop and wonder what's wrong with humanity...

I am not Jewish nor is anyone in my family. None of my family (that I know of) fought in WWII. However when I hear about the stories of those times and what happened to the Jewish people (and others who were in Concentration/Extermination Camps) I can't help but feel sad, angry and disheartened. I found this on Twitter today and found that I really just longed to go there.  Not so that I can gawk, but more so that I can grieve, if that makes any sense. So that I can feel apart of that history and really be able to understand the magnitude of what happened there.

It's getting to a time now where there's not going to be many survivors or soldiers left to tell the stories of what happened during that time. It will be just another war that will be read about in history books written likely by those who weren't even alive when it happened.

I once told The Man's Nana that she should take all the letters that she and his Grandpa sent back and forth during the war and put them into a book. He was there on D Day when they stormed the beaches. She wrote him nearly every single day, and he of course wrote her back as often as he could. Because of her age and the way her hands will start to bother her she had taken to reading the letters each night before going to bed because she could no longer hold a book for any length of time. She relayed how she felt really bad because after he had come back from the war during a big argument that they had, she picked up a stack of them and threw them into the fireplace, into a fire. You could see the sadness in her eyes when telling the story.

I loved when we would visit and she would tell us about how the women joined the war efforts as well and she had become a riveter. She helped build the planes by putting the rivets in where they needed to be. She'd also go on to tell us about how even though there was a war going on and he was over seas he had told her that he wanted her to go out and still have fun, so she'd go out swing dancing with friends but when she got home she'd reread the letters he had sent her.

I'm not a fan of war, I don't romanticize it. Don't particularly think it's a good thing at all.

As a matter of fact...secret confession time...I love war movies for some reason, I still haven't figured out why since I dislike war...but...I cry during them...nearly every single one that I've ever seen I will undoubtedly cry.

I'm not sure exactly where this post came from but I just felt compelled to write after seeing the pictures...they brought tears to my eyes...then again I was a little emotional already to start with.

These Aren't Just Subtitles...They're Subtitles You Can Ride On...

I sit down to write about this that or the other thing and I find myself wondering if it's worth it...

I don't write for others I usually write to get shit off my chest, out of my brain and to help me feel less crazy... I generally after posting will feel better... but I've been noticing lately probably for the last year that I've been censoring myself... not quite putting everything out there for the world to read...

I'm just another anonymous blogger who doesn't have anything world changing to say about my life... I'm not going to cure cancer, or AIDS, I'm not going to make a post that will suddenly solve financial problems with governments or feed the starving people of the world... I really doubt that I'm going to do anything noteworthy in my lifetime...

and because of that I can't help but sit and think sometimes...then why the fuck am I here... why do I stay... what's anything I do going to matter in 20 years... or 30 years...or 100 years... in 100 years I'll have been forgotten by everyone...I won't be in any history books I won't be famous for anything...I'll have just been another random blogger who used up a small corner of the internet to vent out my thoughts and feelings that made me seem so much smaller because those that are my problems and worries are quite minuscule in comparison to stuff that's going on world wide scale...

I'm trying to quit worrying about that which I cannot control... world issues... other peoples problems... how others feel about me... how others perceive the world... all I can do is try to focus on what it is that's in my control...

I had a lovely 3+ hr phone call today with Nay...a friend of mine who lives in TO... he and I met in grade 7...though we never went to the same school...we met through mutual friends and never really stayed in touch...but became neighbours twice without even realizing it...and have always been able to talk about just about anything and everything... we haven't really talked much in the last few years...some frivolous facebook stuff here and there...and would talk about how we miss each other...
I heart his face and do wish that we could get together more often... that was actually why it was that I had him give me a call... because he was saying how he had wanted to get together with myself and two others...and really the three that he had said he wanted to get together with haven't hung out in nearly ten years...the last time we were all in a room together it was by accident sort of and that was in Nov...and it wasn't exactly the most comfortable situation...lol

after talking to him on the phone I told him I was in...that I'd love to come up to his place for a weekend... :) Hopefully it'll happen...and if not...fuckit I might just go up and visit him on my own or with the Man... after all I haven't met his husband yet... I need more positive people in my life...

I have to say I'm really proud of Big Daddy... (I had a big write up following that explaining why I'm proud of him but...I don't know I just had to delete it...)

I've been feeling old this past week... the Manchild turned 15 today... I look at him and see how old he's getting now and shake my head because most of the time I don't feel old enough to have a teenage son...physically I do...mentally I definitely don't...

I left home at 15... I had Manchild when I was just barely 18... on my 19th birthday I was taken to the casino so that I could have my first legal drink while gambling legally for the first time... I couldn't do what others do for their 19th and get wasted...hell I couldn't even drink a second drink... I had to breastfeed the baby a couple of hours after I got home...
the moment I walked out of that house with a suitcase in my hand leaving a note that said I wasn't coming back...I knew I had to grow up and fast... now that my son is 15 I look at what I've done these past 18 yrs and thought...WTF was I doing?!

Even now at 33 I still sit and wonder half the time...wtf am I doing?

Everything gets to me...I get feeling really overwhelmed, drowning in the chaos that is my life, the issues with my family and some friends, the rigors of day to day... I know that I'm not worse off then anyone else, my problems aren't worse then anyone elses...and I'm not comparing myself or even saying oh woe is me...please pity me...

all I'm saying is that a lot of the time stuff is just 'too much' for me... with the help of the Man I've realized that when it all becomes waaaay too much my fight or flight kicks in...and the first thing I do is fly... there has been a couple of times now that I've said I was leaving... and was fairly certain I wasn't coming back...
we've come to realize that as long as I can get away for a little bit I'll be ok...
after a few things that have happened in the last little while I'm starting to feel that way again...hopefully I"ll be able to have a getaway soon before I start snapping hardcore at people...



Oh! and I'm a happy girl today... Big Daddy's present came in today... hope I can see him soon so I can give it to him...I don't want to just send it through the mail I'd rather see him when I give it to him... I hope he likes it... *crosses fingers*

so yeah... um...I'm getting tired so I'll have to type more later...

Odd Things...Indeed...Squirrel!

I was bombarded last night with some really odd dreams...oh and as I said to Burton today via text... I must have been really fucking ugly last night...I went to bed at 12:30 am and woke up at 12:30pm today...wtf eh?

I ran into Dwayne and he and I went out get a cup of coffee and when we were walking out after an hour of visiting or so, we hugged by his car and as I said 'I've really missed you' I broke down crying and we just stood there hugging for a long time. He said that he had missed me too and that we would have to get together for coffee more often.

talk about odd...

few others that were weird was watching a group of marines while overseas...was helping them (sort of) I'm fuzzy about the details now... probably should have typed this up just after waking up...

another...

I went out and started slaughtering people on Valentine's Day...I mean I felt like it on Tuesday but not really enough that I figured there'd be any residual after effects that would make me dream about killing people...

I have to say though that I was quite impressed by all the ways I was killing tem and also by how efficient I was...

so besides weird dreams...

I went out with Burton on Saturday, went over to Buffalo to go visit PirateGirl. Well that and Burton had some stuff delivered to PirateGirls house. Went out and PirateGirl took us for lunch at a place called Betty's, I had the best burger. Oh...and the best bacon. Spar's bacon equals Epic Yummy Bacon!
I'm glad that I get to hang with Burton when I'm depressed...she doesn't badger me about what's wrong or doesn't try to force me to open up. She just tells me she hearts my face and we go on about the day.
Bought a lovely bottle of Twisted Moscato. Twisted is a winery from California...they make the first white wine that I enjoy. And I also like their White Zinfendal...their old vine zinfendal not as good. lol

Then Sunday we hung out again sort of... went to a Scentsy party that Burton was the consultant at. I had only met the Hostess once and that was at another party where I didn't know the hostess very well...it was interesting. And a bit of Fun. Saw Nickle again as well.

Burton asked me if I wanted to go out with her on Friday (as in tomorrow), going to... could use some dance floor time and can't get drunk on one bottle of wine so...we'll have to see how I do tomorrow. lol

so I'm being distracted by other things so I think I'll save the rest of my updating until after the weekend maybe...

I See A Nap in My Future...'Cause I'm Psychic Bitches!

I like being alone sometimes. I like immersing myself in my thoughts as  I sing at the top of my lungs while doing chores...like dishes.  When someone is around I don't get that singing at the top of my lungs out of my system...and unfortunately in my thoughts...because usually the other person is talking or something...

So I got up this morning with the rest of the blurry-eyed masses...whether parents getting their kids ready for school or people getting ready for work... walked the Boychild to school and realized I prefer to be a homebody... I admit that it's a nice feeling to have strangers say good morning or to say thank you as you pass them by... but to me it's just sort of awkward... (the thank you this morning was because me with my umbrella stepped off the sidewalk so a woman and her two tiny ones could pass by...realized that it would seem weird to someone reading this that a random person would say thanks for walking by)...

However, I would prefer to just stay home... not to see people to have awkward fake cheerful morning interactions... as soon as October/November rolls around I don't want to leave the house for any reason...if I trusted people enough I'd likely have groceries delivered...and I would hibernate...until April.

Well sometimes later then that just so I can be guaranteed that there was no snow on the ground.

It's been really quiet here for the past couple of days...it's been nice... mind you I need to do more of those nasty things called chores...but I'm actually not minding it to much... it seems I don't mind doing them if I'm the only person here... it's when everyone else is here not doing anything that I kinda get pissed about doing the chores...

Been listening to Adele quite a bit lately... I'm so glad that she's much more mainstream now... I used to have such a hard time finding her music...though there is still a few songs I've heard her do that I wish she'd record on an album... I heart her so much...

I learned very quickly last night that you should never joke about poopin' on someone... I was in a really weird/giddy mood... and yeah... apparently the other party (who was at work) didn't really appreciate it very much... *shrugs* live and learn...

was up waaay too late last night... I went to bed at like 1am...which isn't so bad... still gives me almost 6 hours before the Boychild has to be up and eating before school... yeah... 3:30am...is definitely too late... I need to turn my skype off when I crawl into bed so that shit doesn't happen again... it was funny and nice to have someone to talk to for a bit but totally stayed up too late....

there's phrases, statements, questions, comments and the like that people will always remember that you have said or another person has said... stuff that sticks with you that will keep coming back to you... that happens to me quite a bit... people would say that I dwell (whether it's good or bad) but I don't really consider it dwelling or even brooding... it's remembering what people have said and then usually trying to figure out if they were just 'saying it' or if they were actually sincere...as we all know it's harder for us to believe the good stuffs said about us, though we hold onto the negative or bad stuff like it's a security blanket at times...

I've been called many things in my time... and I was writing them down as an exercise after I got back and was still in that whole transition period... and I have to say it's quite a list... and it's not all bad at all... but it's not just what others say about us... but 'to' us as well that we will remember... I've been told by a few people that they will always love me, or love me until the end of time, or something along those lines... and sometimes I get that sadistic urge to call them and say 'Yeah, still love me?' just so I can have some sort of sick satisfaction of saying 'see I knew you were lying' when they say No... I was told that it was hard to believe that anyone could 'get over' me... and of course my biggest issue is being forgotten...and I have been over the course of my life, starting at a young age and so that stuck with me even into adulthood and sort of festered into a feeling of being unimportant because of having been forgotten... few days ago I made a comment about being unmemorable and sort of got a snerking response of 'yeah right'... maybe that's why I get whacky and so odd and giddy sometimes...so that at least I'll be remembered for being weird/crazy...

this lyric makes me tear up every time I sing it...

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

Don't forget me, I beg "I'll remember", you said,

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead. 

Dunno why I felt like that sharing that...probably because it was playing... the thing I don't get is the fact that I don't exactly think there's anything special about me that would make me 'unforgettable' and yet I don't want to be forgotten... how messed is that.. lol 

I never claimed to be normal. Don't want to be normal... as it doesn't exist.

*laughs*

I want to be the hermit lady who doesn't want to be forgotten... man I'm a fucking conundrum...

Gloria Steinem, I Am Not.

Call me a detriment to the womens lib and all that jazz but I have to admit that I thoroughly enjoy when a man shows his appreciation and affection with displays of affection... public or otherwise...

and the reason why I'm likely a detriment to the lib movement is that I'm ok with a bum pinch, a slap on the bum, an arm around the shoulder or hand resting on my back.. walking up behind me to kiss my neck or just to hug me around the waist... all these are little ways of saying I love you without really ever having to say it out loud...

other ones that are nice once in a while is hair brushing, impromptu foot rubs, hugs for no reasons and of course the best ones are the kisses that leave ya weak in the knees...

I'm not sure why men seem to stop those sorts of things for/to us after a certain amount of time... but it always seems to fall away in the course of a relationship...

and I'm sure there is a flip side to that and that women have stopped doing things that men like... I'm not on that side of the story...

but what has happened to displays of affection? they seem to get tossed aside at times...

I'm sort of glad that I got thinking on this after reading a write up on Fetlife that one of the kinksters there wrote..

I'm finding the site to be quite interesting... especially the thoughts and opinions of others on there about certain things...


displays of affection = happy loved ones = yay!

The Shadows in the Night

The sleeping laptop closed and laying upon the floor next to the bed is unaware of the eerie shadows it's bright white LED case light throws upon the walls.

Shadows that when gazed upon for too long seem to undulate and writhe, oozing as if they've been pinned against the wall still alive.

The green cyclops timepiece standing vigilant against the shadows behind it, it's gaze ever forward, not throwing enough of it's own light to throw shadows upon the opposite wall.

The sharp rattle of the air conditioner coming to life to spew forth cold air seems to snap the shadows back into focus, standing them ramrod straight again. Until they seem to grow accustomed to the rattling hum from the window unit, then the life pours back into them again.

It's then that he slinks into the room, seemingly unnoticed. Seemingly. Acting as one of the shadows but seen out of the corner of an eye. He's not paying enough attention and will get caught.

Attracted to the sounds of a man gasping for air in his sleep, seeming to sigh when the mans body shudders and remembers that it's main function at this point is to breathe for the sleeping man.

The shadow stalking the night draws closer with each gasping inhale, backing away again when the mans body spams and reminds itself to breathe again.

The room feels heavier, more crowded when the shadow stalks into the room. He's startled as the window unit rattles to life once more, he backs away from the man again, keeping a distance.  Perhaps thinking the air conditioner is some sort of warning device.

The man oblivious to the happenings around him continues to try to maintain sleeping peacefully, his snores and gasps for air keeping the shadow in the night hopeful.

As I lay awake I whisper into the air of the bedroom 'Not tonight' and every morning sit up, inhale deeply and with my exhalation state 'And not today'.

Death visits my bedroom, he stalks my husband and keeps me awake at night. At least if the LED wasn't in the bedroom, I wouldn't have to see him.

The smile upon your face tells you the truth ... You’re exactly where you wanna be

omg went to bed last night such a happy girl... If I could talk to Big Daddy every day, most know that I would be just fucking tickled pink all the time... lol

well last night we were sending texts back and forth from I dunno like 9pm until 3am... so yeah... fell asleep a very happy girl...

I've been feeling really kind of crafty lately... yeah I know not the bet segue but deal with it... anyway... in the spring I always suddenly just wanna create stuffs... So last night after finishing up a couple of the Tree of Life ornaments that I wanted to try out ... I ended up taking photos of all the jewelry I've made that I still have... that was a lot of time... I still need to resize them as well... but... I wanted to put up the two trees I made... I'm thinking of trying an actual tree this evening while I sit and watch tv with the Man and the Boychild...


The other sort of crafty type thing I'm working on is somewhere in the next week or so I'll be putting my hair up in a sort of hybrid of braids/dreads...I just need to go and pick up a couple balls of wool :)

It will essentially look like this... providing I do them correctly... I'll end up posting pics when I've finished.

Another bad segue coming your way...

So I tried out my new enhanced license for the first time by going to Buffalo with Burton for an International Dinner our friend was putting on. I was very happy that we had no issues at the border. Got to the church (where the dinner was being held) and boy am I glad that we didn't wait much longer about going... the food was almost gone when we got there. We had shown up about 20 minutes after starting time... this months meal was Irish.. lots of 'taters :)

After the dinner we invited back to The Pirates pad... I love their home... I couldn't help how much Pirate Girl  reminds me of my Aunt ABC... I wonder if The Pirates are parrotheads like my aunt is... I'll have to ask. I gave Pirate Girl her bridal gift (waaaay early - her shower and wedding isn't until October) she seemed really genuinely happy with it.
Sometimes I'm not to sure about how the stuff I make for people will be received. Her reaction though definitely was worth it. She put the necklace and earrings on right away and then went running to the kitchen to show her Pirate Boy.
It'll make me very sad if I lose touch with her just because of the other bullshit that's going on and will eventually blow up. I'm not really wanting that day to come yet... but I know my aunt too well... it will.
I wish I had taken a picture of the set I did for her...might send her a message and ask her to take a pic of them so that I can keep them in my album.


Rawr!