These Aren't Just Subtitles...They're Subtitles You Can Ride On...

I sit down to write about this that or the other thing and I find myself wondering if it's worth it...

I don't write for others I usually write to get shit off my chest, out of my brain and to help me feel less crazy... I generally after posting will feel better... but I've been noticing lately probably for the last year that I've been censoring myself... not quite putting everything out there for the world to read...

I'm just another anonymous blogger who doesn't have anything world changing to say about my life... I'm not going to cure cancer, or AIDS, I'm not going to make a post that will suddenly solve financial problems with governments or feed the starving people of the world... I really doubt that I'm going to do anything noteworthy in my lifetime...

and because of that I can't help but sit and think sometimes...then why the fuck am I here... why do I stay... what's anything I do going to matter in 20 years... or 30 years...or 100 years... in 100 years I'll have been forgotten by everyone...I won't be in any history books I won't be famous for anything...I'll have just been another random blogger who used up a small corner of the internet to vent out my thoughts and feelings that made me seem so much smaller because those that are my problems and worries are quite minuscule in comparison to stuff that's going on world wide scale...

I'm trying to quit worrying about that which I cannot control... world issues... other peoples problems... how others feel about me... how others perceive the world... all I can do is try to focus on what it is that's in my control...

I had a lovely 3+ hr phone call today with Nay...a friend of mine who lives in TO... he and I met in grade 7...though we never went to the same school...we met through mutual friends and never really stayed in touch...but became neighbours twice without even realizing it...and have always been able to talk about just about anything and everything... we haven't really talked much in the last few years...some frivolous facebook stuff here and there...and would talk about how we miss each other...
I heart his face and do wish that we could get together more often... that was actually why it was that I had him give me a call... because he was saying how he had wanted to get together with myself and two others...and really the three that he had said he wanted to get together with haven't hung out in nearly ten years...the last time we were all in a room together it was by accident sort of and that was in Nov...and it wasn't exactly the most comfortable situation...lol

after talking to him on the phone I told him I was in...that I'd love to come up to his place for a weekend... :) Hopefully it'll happen...and if not...fuckit I might just go up and visit him on my own or with the Man... after all I haven't met his husband yet... I need more positive people in my life...

I have to say I'm really proud of Big Daddy... (I had a big write up following that explaining why I'm proud of him but...I don't know I just had to delete it...)

I've been feeling old this past week... the Manchild turned 15 today... I look at him and see how old he's getting now and shake my head because most of the time I don't feel old enough to have a teenage son...physically I do...mentally I definitely don't...

I left home at 15... I had Manchild when I was just barely 18... on my 19th birthday I was taken to the casino so that I could have my first legal drink while gambling legally for the first time... I couldn't do what others do for their 19th and get wasted...hell I couldn't even drink a second drink... I had to breastfeed the baby a couple of hours after I got home...
the moment I walked out of that house with a suitcase in my hand leaving a note that said I wasn't coming back...I knew I had to grow up and fast... now that my son is 15 I look at what I've done these past 18 yrs and thought...WTF was I doing?!

Even now at 33 I still sit and wonder half the time...wtf am I doing?

Everything gets to me...I get feeling really overwhelmed, drowning in the chaos that is my life, the issues with my family and some friends, the rigors of day to day... I know that I'm not worse off then anyone else, my problems aren't worse then anyone elses...and I'm not comparing myself or even saying oh woe is me...please pity me...

all I'm saying is that a lot of the time stuff is just 'too much' for me... with the help of the Man I've realized that when it all becomes waaaay too much my fight or flight kicks in...and the first thing I do is fly... there has been a couple of times now that I've said I was leaving... and was fairly certain I wasn't coming back...
we've come to realize that as long as I can get away for a little bit I'll be ok...
after a few things that have happened in the last little while I'm starting to feel that way again...hopefully I"ll be able to have a getaway soon before I start snapping hardcore at people...



Oh! and I'm a happy girl today... Big Daddy's present came in today... hope I can see him soon so I can give it to him...I don't want to just send it through the mail I'd rather see him when I give it to him... I hope he likes it... *crosses fingers*

so yeah... um...I'm getting tired so I'll have to type more later...