The Headache After The Sugary Orgy That Is The Holiday Season...

So tonight my insomnia has flared it's ugly little head ... So I thought I'd sit down and jot down a note or to on this thing we call Blog...

Yule went well for us here... it was the first family yule rit we've had in a very long time... the boy child was here with us... for Yule the tradition with us is... for yule presents they must be home made... since it was last minute that we ended up doing one here I just told the other two to make something for one other person... the man made one for the boychild, the boychild made one for the man and I made one for the man the boychild and the manchild (who wasn't here)... it went well... as we went through the ritual I explained things to the boychild... makes for an awkward ritual but teaches him how and why we do what we do... So the man made a small fire truck out of wood (it was a crafting kit I had upstairs), the boychild made a picture out of construction paper and glue for the man... and I decorated each one of them a rock making each sparkle with glittery paints and their names on them... I explained what we did and so forth to the manchild when he got here from his fathers house.

Christmas... went off without a hitch... I made and served dinner for 9... my mom's household came, including Otis and my Grandma from Bancroft and my Aunt from Hamilton... it was great. I have to tell you it's a big compliment when you're grandmother looks across the table at you and says "Mmm your stuffing is better then mine!" *grins* I think that was the best christmas present... Of course we got all sorts of gifts and of course the children got spoiled rotten... the boychild looked at me christmas morning with his eyebrows arched in surprise and says "I thought this was going to be a small christmas!" I just chuckled and shrugged "I did too!" everyone was thankful for what they got and I didn't once here from the kids a pout with the words "I wanted a ... and didn't get it"
I know that when their grandma from Bancroft comes down they'll end up being spoiled again... it really is nice to space them out a bit so the kids aren't quite so overwhelmed... but I think it's high time the kids go through all their toys again and pack some away to be put in the wagon and taken to the community cares.

I've been sick again... well I shouldn't say again... I should say still.
I'm having a hard time breathing and I'm constantly stuffed up, I really think that I did some permanent damage to my lungs while in that apartment.
I'm avoiding going to the doctor as I don't want to end up in the hospital as he said I would.
It's so much harder to shake these sorts of things when you can't take decongestants or caffeine...
I'm trying not to dwell too much on being sick as I don't want it to stick around.

The kittens are growing quickly... soon they won't be mah lil bay-bees... lol
I'm thankful for the camera I got as a present... now I can capture oh so many moments to completely bore you with... well moreso on the other blog...but it'll boil over to here as well. ;)
you have been forewarned..

So are you one of these people who makes New Years Resolutions?

I'm not, by the beginning of February if you ask someone what theirs was, they'll have forgotten. Try it ;)

I do however wish and hope that everyone's upcoming year is better then the last and that everyone I know gets everything that they deserve...

Our Two New Babies...

Well it's time to make the announcement....

We have two new babies and they've arrived safe and sound and are here at home now... My christmas present to the man this year was going to be a new kitten... and in my time of shopping around to find the perfect little kitten for him I found two... After much consideration and trying to figure which of the two kitties I would get for him I finally asked which one he would want if he could have one... unfortunately it was not the same one that I had picked for him... I wanted the little black short haired one... he of course wanted the little grey fluff ball... So being the great compromisers that we are... We Got Both... So I'm proud to introduce you all to our new babies...

Sitting on daddy's shoulder is Imhotep (aka Fluffy Face)

Chewing on the ribbon on Mommy's pants Onyx (aka Nyx aka Onny)

I'm sure you'll here more about them as time goes on... Onyx was a christmas present to me from the man and Imhotep was a present from me to the man... at least that's what we've told the kids... *chuckles*

There's No Need To Feel No Shame, So Relax And Sip Upon My Champagne...

So for some reason I always come out looking asian when smiling or laughing a lot... last night was the mans xmas party for work... it was a good time got to say hi to some people that I haven't seen in a really long time... dinner wasnt too bad... went into the casino afterwards and hit up the nickel, one cent and two cent slot machines... oh I know big spenders eh? *chuckles* all in all it was a good night... came home to an empty house and slipped into bed and went to sleep... I had spent two days pretty much.. looking for my favourite pair of black heels and my curling iron... and in doing so went in and rummaged around in every box and bag that is left that needs to be unpacked... and because of doing that managed to trip my allergies back into over drive because as everyone I care about knows... the conditions of the apartment were not good when we left and I was very very ill because of it... well because of that I've had to wash and clean absolutely everything that comes out of a box... which of course makes the process of unpacking even slower but it also cuts down on my stuffy head and my headaches... but because of my mad hunting I'm back to where I was... not being able to breathe, needing my inhaler way more then I have before, stuffed up nose, sinus pressure and pain... so the count is on 24 days until xmas/family coming here and I need to clean the stuff and unpack faster... plus shop... plus bake... plus plus plus... well you get the picture...

So anyway today was a relaxing day... just hung out wrapped some presents and watch House with the man... then the boychild came home... so yeah all in all just a really lazy day... apparently I was looking pretty sexy in my dress last night... well then again the man is a biased source...

Not much else to say right now... just wishing the gas man will be here on time on Wednesday and be able to figure out why only a portion of the heaters are working... and getting excited about the holiday! yay!

You'll Never See What You've Done To Me, You Can Take Back Your Memories, They're No Good To Me...

So it was a hard decision to come to but we have decided that Christmas for the kids is much more important then pills... So I haven't told my doctor as of yet that I won't be taking any pills this month but I will be going about the blood tests to see if it's just because of the pills that my insides were working correctly the last 3 months... it was like a balancing act... on one hand a hundred dollars for some pills for me... or a hundred dollars towards christmas... we decided that christmas was more important even if it does make the two of us a little sad...

I was very close to saying I quit a couple of days ago... as I lay in pain in bed listening to the man sleeping beside me... and all I wanted to do was cry... again I felt disappointment and felt like a disappointment... which of course isn't good for the self esteem... but I know that the man isn't disappointed in me in any sort of way... he's made sure to make me realize that every step of the way... but I can't help but still feel it initially when it first happens...

I've been having a wonderful time with the kids the past couple of weeks... they both really seem to be enjoying movie night and game day... which both are pretty self explanatory...

However, it hasn't all been rainbows and sunshine... been having a bit of a trying time with the manchild.... he seems to think that at 11 he tells us what he's doing and that we have to just be ok with that... *chuckles* He's learning the hard way that you don't push mom and dad around like that... he just got off of a 2 week grounding for going behind our backs and reactivating an MSN acct that I had deactivated on Thanksgiving... I told him that this girl he had been talking to and professing his undying love for... was bad news and since he's never actually met her... she's not his girlfriend, never mind the fact that his father and I both told him that he's 11! he doesn't have a gf... nor will he until he's 16... seem harsh? too bad... I know what both his father and I were doing before we were 16 and the manchild will not be doing that... so come to find out that after he got off his grounding he went over to his friends house and readded this girl to his facebook after I had deleted her... oh boy... that was a mistake... I've now blocked her from his facebook and he is of course now grounded again.

So yeah not all sunshine and rainbows... but then again ya can't get the rainbows without a bit of rain...

in other news I worked my ass off today unpacking more boxes... yeah I know it's taking me forever but hey that's how it works when you're the head of the household, not feeling well and decorating for xmas... on top of all sorts of meetings...

the man and I have been spending all sorts of quality time together and it's been fantastic... I find myself getting bored with being on the computer and listening to music and we end up meeting up in the bedroom to watch a show or lay there and talk or play the "When We..." game... you know like 'When we win the lotto this is what we'll do and where we'll go...' but more often then not when we meet up it's just to be together and enjoy each other... I didn't realize just how much I had been missing that...

what's also interesting is that... the boychild has been talking an awful lot about the more christian of subjects... I told his father the other night that it just might be possible that as pagan as we are we might be raising a christian... oughta be interesting if it continues that way... at least if he'd like to learn more about that religion I'm well versed with the scripture... at least I've read the entire bible... both versions... I of course prefer the old testament but enh to each their own I say... So anyway if he wishes to presue it further I'll be able to help him out with that... just because I don't believe that a man named Jesus Christ ever existed doesn't mean that others don't... the most basic thing I've ever wanted to instill in the children is tolerance... to not judge others especially those who are different or believe differently... I wish everyone would teach their children that... but then again... I'm a bit naive that way I guess...

hmmm not much else to say I guess... Happy Turkey Day to all the Americans who read this still... hope you had a good one with lots of family interaction...

I'm Open, You're Closed, Where I Follow, You'll Go...

Yes it is true... I'm completely insane... but seriously how many of you didn't realize that already... *laughs*

I'm so excited about the upcoming holiday ... you know the one that's a month away... that I had my mom bring over my decorations and we put up our tree today... and I think our banister leading upstairs has more lights on it then our tree does... *laughs*

I've gotten to the point where I know that we haven't got the money to buy the one present the entire family wanted... but... I'm ok with that... I know that we won't completely all waste away if we don't have it... I know the kids will be a bit sad and disappointed... but they have been forewarned that we just don't have any money for christmas this year... it'll be a different tune on the actual morning of but... at least I've tried to warn them...

So I'll have to get some pics of the really loud banister and of the tree...

I think Jasper (the parrot) was a bit curious as to how and why I was building a tree next to his cage this morning as I sang to him and put up the artificial tree while the kids played upstairs... They eventually made their way downstairs so that they could put all the decorations on and the man put the lovely lady upon the top of the tree... then we made our way down to the dollar store bought some tinsel and a few small gifts and made our way home where we taught the kids to play euchre for game night...
After they went off to bed I put the tinsel on the tree ... and now I'm enjoying a hot cup of cocoa while I looking at my lovely lit up tree and chatting with my man...

and now...

back to Mouse Hunt!!

When You See My Face I Hope It Gives You Hell, Hope It Gives You Hell...

"Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
Where did it all go wrong?
But the list goes on and on
Truth be told I miss you
Truth be told I'm lying"

Alrighty... latest update...

On the Health front... everyone seems to still have a cough... I'm able to do more stuff in a day now without feeling like I have to sit down every few minutes. So not back to 100% yet, more like 85% *chuckles* It stays fairly cool in here which is way different then the apartment so I'll be knitting up some slippers, I find my feet get really cold.
Went to the doctors the other day about the other thing we've been dealing with... seems every things a go... just need to get the timing down. *chuckles* Ya know I never had to worry about things like that when I was younger. Oh well... it'll happen when it wants to.

On the Home front... we're not exactly unpacked yet... we have a lot of those 'last minute' boxes, those are the boxes of stuff that were thrown together at the last minute and there's not really a spot for them at the new place until every thing else is set up... I don't mind those boxes so much... I just mind that it's all those that are by the door of the room that has all of our boxes in it... So I've been moving those slowly upstairs to the other spare bedroom we have so that I'll have room to sit down and go through all that stuff to see whether or not any of it is important. And if it's not... gonna file it under G.
So it's been a slow process... because of those boxes as well as because of how my health has been.

I've invited a bunch of people for yule so hopefully we'll have it all done by then... I've given myself that as a deadline so hopefully I can keep it. I've invited my mom, my sister, mom's bf, my grandmother and my aunt, as well as my oldests father and sister (if she's with him)... So it may just be a house full of people which I haven't had in a long time so it'll be nice.

I think I'll invite my dad but just not for the same night... that could be just disastrous...

Saw the first snow of this year... it was just falling outside my lovely bay window a few moments ago... which of course made me sigh since I'll have to go find all of our boots and hope that the youngests still fit him... if not then uh oh...

We've warned both of the kids that this christmas for them might not be as fruitful as the past christmases since we've just moved and had to pay for all sorts of things... so even though it's only Nov 16th... christmas is on my mind already since they've been coming to us with stuff they want... The man and I were hoping to be able to save up enough to get them a wii this year... yeah that's not looking like it's going to happen... but never know there's been christmas miracles for this family before...

Hmm I'm trying to think if there's anything else going on... Well if there's something else you want to know just leave it in my comments and I'll answer ya...

"Now you'll never see
What you've done to me
You can take back your memories
They're no good to me
And here's all your lies
If you look me in the eyes
With the sad, sad look
That you wear so well

When you see my face
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell"

Song: Gives You Hell
Artist: All American Rejects

Moves So Fast, She Moves So Fast Into That Wedding Ring...

Oh boy...
So much to say and so tired right now...

We've moved. We're in the house now, after we've unpacked everything and it looks decent around here I'll go ahead and post some pictures of the place. The kids are so totally stoked about the house, they love it... they have a bedroom that they share and a play room where their computer, tv, video games and such are all going to be set up in the next day or so...

The man and I are absolutely loving our new bed... King size! Schwing! ... no more of his feet hanging off the end, no more being squished up against a wall. *laughs*

I've been battling (all through this move) a sinus infection, lung infection all on top of a cold... so not nice... on meds for that so not really going to dampen my spirits any as I'm flying high... (not from the meds) right now...

I've been editing my life a bit in the last little while... been pruning some dead weight... now if it was only that easy to lose some dead weight *chuckles*
I've been cutting out some of my time on the computer... makes it easy when you sit down in front of it and immediately feel as if you're going to vomit... yeah not good... mush has been suffering for it... but hey since there's really no one logging in there guess it doesn't matter much, so yeah that might just go into the toilet soon... *shrugs* kinda feels like a waste of like 3 years of my life that I've put into it but... c'est la vie, n'est pas?
We'll see how it all pans out... I'll probably log back in to it a bit more often after I'm completely unpacked ... which is more then I can say for the other staffers on it... I've been at least logging in to check my jobs and make sure the players are doing ok...

I realized a long time ago I was depressed, and I was only feeling happy when I had outside contact from others via the computer... moving has changed my outlook on that sort of thing... the longer I stayed in that hole the more I clutched onto those who were there for me ... I thought they understood me, and even loved me... ended up I was just a hermit that was the butt of their jokes... but now, I know that I don't need those people... I used to feel like if I disappeared for a night or two that they'd forget all about me... now? I really don't care if they do... they were never real friends, least they stopped treating me like one... the last 4 years has been a constant downward spiral... things are so bright and colourful now that I just shake my head when I look back at them... how pathetic I had been... but not anymore... I made a promise to those above that I would get back to the path they had started to lead me down before the bumps in the road got me down...

I've been talking to the Gods a lot lately... mainly in prayers of thanks, promises to myself and them that I'll not go back to what I had been for the last four years... so with that, I think I've mentioned it before but... I'll be going back to teaching... going to open up the temple for rituals and meetings...

the couple of friends that I really feel close too that I've met online I'll stay in contact with but I forsee a lot less computer in my future...

*sighs contently* ok so there's this huge story to go along with moving... but I think I'll save it for another post...

I'm So Tired But I Can't Sleep, Standin' On The Edge Of Something Much Too Deep...

There's a reason why I put my all into everything I do... whether it be relationships, friendships, my non-profit work and my family... there's a reason I take risks and chances that others would shake their heads at... there's a reason why it hurts more when someone hurts me... there's a reason why I hang onto every moment with every person whether good or bad... there's a reason why sometimes it's hard to let go, hard to hold on, hard to stop... There's a reason...

The reason is because I know that every single day I know that I die a little bit inside... I live life to the fullest, take chances, have hope and believe in risks and doing now and asking for forgiveness later... every single day that I wake up I'm that much closer to the end of my life... whether its tomorrow, next week, ten years from now or maybe even 60 years from now... everyday I die just a little bit more... albeit it's a minute part but I know it's happening... the ultimate goal that we all strive toward from the moment we're born... is death. It's the grand prize at the end of it all. I won't go into after life, heaven, hell, reincarnation... none of us truly knows anything about any of those... and I don't really wish to start a debate about it...


But really do you live your life in a way that makes you feel like you've accomplished something? did you learn something new each day that you were a live? did you take the chances or risks or opportunities that presented themselves that day... that week or that month... have you lived in a way that you would be proud of if they wrote your life story after you were gone...

I've been ridiculed for taking some of the chances that I have... frowned at for risking some of the stuff that I've risked... and really cashing in on opportunities that I was faced with... but what have you done?


It doesn't even have to be on a grand scale, like jet setting to foreign countries to live among others, to have the most money, to have the best job... but taking a hold of the opportunities that rear up on a daily basis... the chances that might have a negative reaction... that vacation you've wanted to go on but have been told that you can't... what sort of chances do you take?

What do you do that makes you feel alive... not just living and going day to day... what is it that you do each and every day that makes you inhale deeply, smile broadly and look at the world and make you feel like you could conquer it, if ya wanted too...

Feeling alive everyday helps fight off the reality that you're dying each day... some days you die a little faster... with each drink... each toke... each pill... each cough... and even each time you find yourself in such a state of boredom or you feel like you're stagnating...

Does helping a customer with a hard problem make you feel alive? That first cup of hot coffee in the morning? Mid day masturbation? A hot shower? Closing a big deal? Watching cells split under a scope? Watching a child's face as they figure out the problem all on their own? Knowing a secret? Talking to a loved one? or even just petting your cat or dog?

Whatever you come up with that is your own, whatever it is that makes you feel that feeling of being alive... do it... indulge yourself in it...

Feel that alive feeling... because if you don't... you'll just wake up every day realizing that all you're doing is distracting yourself as you strive ever forward to your death...

We're all going to die sometimes, but wouldn't you like to leave a helluva story behind you... people telling it for years to come... it's not vanity, to want to be remembered.

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

When All You Got To Keep Is Strong, Move Along, Move Along Like I Know Ya Do...

Well I figure it's time to do an update when I have a phone call from the other side of the pond asking me how I've been and what's new since they'd not heard... *smiles* btw... thanks for the call I do enjoy talking to you, even if it's just listening to a message on my machine... I know you'd never say you do... but I do miss you. I know that even though things are changing on the 31st that you'll figure something out again... :)

Ok so ... personal notes to only one person aside for the moment... although I will warn you that there might be another at the end...

So where to start...?

We move on the 1st of Nov. into a big beautiful house, where we're going to have no bed and no furniture... *laughs* but at least we'll be in a house and we'll be happier... I'm sure we'll scrounge together a few bucks to go buy some bargain basement used 1960's furniture or something until we can actually afford some... which is too bad I had a beautiful set picked out at the Brick... oh well... not dwelling.. too happy about the move to do that...

So it's official that Samhain will be the last holiday we have in this apartment... which is funny since... none of us will actually be here...
So I guess technically this past weekend which was our thanksgiving was our last holiday here... I'm glad that I decided on friday night that we should have a real thanksgiving for the four of us...

Showed the manchild the house since he hadn't seen it... he loves it... can't wait to help me fix up the back yard and help me plant some gardens and maybe even set up the trampoline in the back yard...

I can't wait to get in, in the next couple of weeks and paint it to suit us a bit better... ya know... hot pink just ain't my thing and I don't wish it to be in my front foyer... *laughs* omg!! I'm getting a front foyer... *grins* Yeah I'm excited... so we don't have a whole bunch of money for a new bed or new furniture... but I'm getting out of this one and a half bedroom shoe box that we've been in for four years...

my sex life is fantastic... but then again it should be when trying to have a baby... *grins* or two... they've figured out the problems and we've been set straight again and hopefully soon I'll be announcing to all those who actually care and read this that I'll be having my third and maybe fourth baby... *laughs* Yeah we'll have enough room for them ; )

So mostly life right now consists of packing, allergy medication, an odd drink now and then, planning an anniversary party, looking forward to a halloween party, lots of awesomely good yummy sexxors, and late night movie sessions... mixed in with a bit of mu*'ing and some smiles...

Now... obviously not everything is rainbows and candy canes... there is still something hanging up in the air... I hope that the conversation we had today hasn't and doesn't set us back a few weeks... I've been feeling good about talking and getting things out that we hadn't before... the conversations and the pace has been feeling right... and I hope it has for you as well... I've been smiling more afterward... I've been sighing less... and really I've been hoping that things are changing for you for the better as well... if not I understand, but I hope it doesn't stay that way for too long... you know how much I prefer your smile... especially the real one that showcases the dimples ; ) Just Smile Ludo...

Yeah so that was the other personal note... but hey it's my blog...

So the costume will be posted after I get some pics from the party on the 25th... even if no one wants to see my fat ass in it : P ... but anyway... too leave on a bit more serious note...

Why would anyone think that someone who is bi-sexual need to 'come out' too their parents?

I never did and I am... I think I just feel that, that's a part of my life that they really don't need to know about... So I never did... but others feel that they should... what do you think...?

Why Can't We Not Be Sober?

Nothing says 'Hey Don't Forget You're A Parent' ...like...


So the man comes home and I haven't been feeling well all day... was in bed when he got home with the kidlet...
So being the ever loving and caring man that he is, he comes into the bedroom and lays down with me to cuddle... to make me feel better... and apparently to cop a feel as he did...

So the boychild goes out to play on the computer after telling me about his day... the man and I get all cuddly and close and start talking about how we need to get the bills changed for the new house and blah blah blah...

So I start playing with him a bit as we're chatting... and after a few minutes we quirk our eyebrows at each other and get that mischievous look upon our faces... I take a quick glance toward the door... we both know that once the boychild gets on the computer he's there for hours if we let him...

Mid day coitus can be such fun... right... *chuckles* I end up straddling him... not unusual even if the boy child was going to the bathroom and walking by... Mommy sits on Daddy when she gives him a massage too... ;) So yeah... anyway... we do our thing... fairly quickly I may add... but not quite realizing that hey... as we finished up it kinda sounded like someone was coming into the bedroom...

Still breathing heavy and partially naked (we were at least under the covers) suddenly there is a seven year old on my back thinking that mommy and daddy are playing 'pile up'... (go ahead I'll wait for you to all laugh)

he proceeds to announce "Pile Up!! I'm on mommy, mommy's on daddy and daddy's on the bed! I win!"

*insert omfg face on both man and I here*

*laughs*

So yes nothing reminds you more that you're still a parent like the small voice of a child yelling pile up when trying to be all romantic in the middle of the day...

Happy 17th Birthday Linux...

Next year you'll be legal and everyone will want to tap that ass... ;)

And this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away...

Alright so here I am finally giving you all an update on what's happening in my neck of the woods...

How was Monday? Did I do all those things on my list? *laughs* Well I haven't been posting but it's not because I was in Switzerland...

My birthday was like any other 'Monday'... So you can imagine how that went... suffice it to say I had a good time when I went to my friends house and saw some people that I hadn't had a chance to visit with in awhile... The rest of the day was shit.

Awoke to a phone call telling us that the townhouse that we had gotten the ok to rent... was no longer ok'd... after a bit of a bitch session I got back on my computer and started looking for more houses to go and look at...
Didn't end up going out to breakfast, by that time just didn't feel like celebrating anything...

So it's been a bit of a hectic week...

House hunting, (which back and forth on a bus can be a bit difficult with timing and such... You know taking the bus for over 45 mins, walking for a few more, looking at a house for about 30 mins tops, walking a few minutes and waiting 45 minutes for a bus to take 45 minutes to get home again... when you live about 10 mins away by car... it really is frustrating some days), errands to various buildings health card, odsp...blah blah blah..., got one of my many wanted tattoos, had some blood tests done... oh and other things I can't really think about at this point...

So we sign a lease on Wednesday... for a 5 bedroom, 2 bathroom, 2 kitchen house... with a big patio, a backyard, across the street (literally) from a park, and two blocks from the elementary school... we figure the ups and downs paid off finally... that's what I get for jumping the gun... and my promise to the universe can still be fullfilled, actually it can be fullfilled even moreso with this place... biggest problem I have with the place... besides the small bedrooms... is it's in the city... not right in the downtown core... close enough towalk to it though...

So changing schools for the boychild, changing phone numbers, changing a bunch of other stuff as well... but... thems the sacrifices that we make in order for the children to have a yard, a play room and a park nearby...

so thats my news... it took me all day to type it out but gosh darnit I finally made another post...

And I Can Tell That He'll Be There For Life

I'm so glad that my kids feel they can talk to me about anything... that's the way I was hoping that they'd turn out... it was proven too me though this Friday when my oldest showed up for his weekly stay with us...

He walks in and announces to me "Mom, I got pubes" with a grin on his face, as if this was the benchmark sign he'd been waiting for to prove that he was indeed chugging along into puberty. I just stopped and blinked and chuckled "Well that's good, and how did this all come about?"
him... "Well I was going to the bathroom and thought there was a piece of fluff, so I went to pick it off to put it into the toilet, and it hurt."

Ok so this is where I start laughing and jokingly said to him "Oh no honey that was just your penis" of course that whole joke from high school that Jason used to say I thought I had a pubic hair until I peed out of it... anyway... so quick as he is he puts up his thumb and says "my penis is about this big maybe even bigger, how big is yours?" to which I promptly answered "Much bigger then that but I keep it in a box" which of course confused him...

So anyway, he seemed oh so proud about this pubic hair discovery, so I asked him if he had told his dad yet, he blushes and says "No I just found it at grandma's house" which of course made me laugh. So of course I asked him if he told Grandma to which he blushed again and said no.

I didn't do the whole 'Aww my little boy is growing up' but I had to smile inwardly as I was happy that he was happy to share such a personal discovery with us... since he did share it with his step dad, brother and me...

Didn't realize just how much fun it would be to have boys... *laughs*

Swift says, "Mice? Ugh"

Birds... Possums... Skulls... Oh My...

I was awoken this morning to a small voice saying the following...
"Umm... mum... one of the birds got out and it's in the bathroom..."

first... why tell me, it's daddy he deals with in the morning... that's the dude that takes him to school... why wake me from only 3 maybe 4 hours of sleep...

I grumble out a 'mhmm' of some sort... and try to ignore what I just heard even though I know full well that the bathroom window is open...

the man stirs beside me... I tell him to go check it out... then we hear...

"Umm... Mum... There's two in the bathroom..." long pause as child looks back toward the bathroom door which is closed now... "And they aren't ours"

A quirk of the eyebrow as I wake much more this time and do the frowning trying to comprehend 'What?!'

The man gets up and tells me he's on it. Thank goodness, I try to go back to sleep but know that the mice are nearby and start getting creeped out...

The man comes back... yep two outdoor birds that it would be a bit more cozy in our bathroom instead of outside on the line outside the window... He got them out ... all is well and all involved are alive and harm-free.

All day today I was cleaning out the kitchen, throwing away a lot of unneed stuff and cleaning up a lot of crap that should have been done ages ago... all the while I'm doing that there is a horde of mice (I shit you not about the number of them) literally playing out in the open, eating some poisoned food, chasing each other around and so forth... I was afraid that one was gonna try to climb the leaning tower of creeped out Rae...

The phone rang just before 3 the man missed the bus so I had to go and run to get the littlest of the boychildren... on the way there I see a very well preserved bird skull... I left it as I had to hurry and get into the park incase he had gotten out a bit early... So it was still there on the way back... oh yeah I'm about to gross you out... I picked it up and brought it home... and of course followed my mothers orders... always wash your hands... it's gonna look real good on my altar... but it was just fascinating on how it was so well preserved...

So after all the boys get home... we work like the dickens... (what ever it is that really means) to accomplish one goal... getting all the boxes grandma had brought upstairs and piled up so that we don't have to trip all over them... kitchen tidied...check... boxes in a neat pile... check! Everyone got a squishee and now all is well... sorta ...

On our way back up the stairs the boys all make it to the top where the oldest of the boychildren drops a real stinker of a fart for me to walk into... how nice... gotta love boys... I heard a scratching sound but I'm so used to it from living with mice that I didn't think anything of it... standing with one foot on the top step and the other on the next step down, I hear it again... and then out of the darkness of the landing from behind the recycling box and from underneath the chair this grey blur comes streaking toward me and wham! runs into my shin before falling a couple of steps and then running the rest of the way down... yep a opossum/possum attacked me (well not really) but I screamed so loud I scared the neighbours next door who were all gathered out on the porch of the house behind us...
And ya know it was the same little sucker that tried to eat my chinese food a couple weeks back... long story but anyway... so I think he's been living behind our recycling box... and he's just little... like he should still be with his mama... and of course I get the look from the man that says 'leave it outside, you are not his mama'...

So all in all it's been quite the odd day when it comes to animals...

Why Oh Why Didn't I Take The Red Pill... ?

So I had someone ask me to describe my perfect birthday to them... so here it goes... what would make this birthday perfect to me....


Wake up in the morning, on my own, without a mini heart attack from a phone, or alarm clock... (or have someone wake me up just how I like to be woken up ;) )
Go to Cosmo's for breakfast with my honey...
Go and get a nice pedicure and manicure...
Head over and get my hair done... nice fiery reds like I like it in the winter...
Maybe go for an ice cream or maybe a light lunch...
Go to my favourite tattoo parlour, get my tattoo done and re-pierce my eyebrow...
Head out and buy a couple of outfits and a suitcase... pack said clothes into said suitcase...
Go to the airport, board a plane to Switzerland...
Go to Squasha's and sit with him for a nice quiet evening on his terrace with his wonderful view, smoking a cigar and sipping a warm brandy...

Not much to ask... right?
*laughs*

So I might be able to do a couple of those things that are on the list... I'll letcha know which ones on Tuesday...
Now that would just be this years perfect birthday... next years might be different... we're always changing...

I Want To See You Dance Again, On This Harvest Moon...

Alright so I made a post yesterday but... My weekend has finally ended.

It was a good and long one...

Started on Saturday, I took the kids down to a friends house that they haven't seen in ages... after that went to a progressive Euchre Tournament... I know sounds like old lady stuff right but it wasn't... was lots of fun... I like playing cards with strangers... some who take the game waaay to serious and some that are just out to have some fun... I won a door prize... that was cool... the man got the prize for most honest player... read as: He got the lowest score of the night... *chuckles*

Sunday morning, the Suicide Awareness Walk was held and we went, the man walked, I didn't. I'd love to say that I helped out, but there were so many volunteers that there was a few of us that just kind of sat around. However, I'm happy to say that our goal of $6,000 dollars was surpassed... the total from the walk was just over $9,500 dollars... so happy campers we definitely are...

Monday, yesterday, last night I had a fantastic evening... I got together with some of the best people in my pagan community... and oh my god did we ever have fun... I drummed so much my hands are killing me today... I ended up icing them before I went to bed... while the energy was high and while I was trancing out during drumming I sent out to the universe that I really need to move and get out of my tiny apartment, that I need to get this community back together again. So, got a call back about a townhouse today... things are looking up. If we get it I have a promise to the universe to fulfill.

So maybe things will look up for the man and I in other areas as well. I'm keeping my fingers crossed about that for sure.

"The judge said, "Son, what is your alibi?
If you were somewhere else,
Then you won't have to die."
Well, I said not a word
Though it meant my life"

Why Can't We Not Be Sober?

So....

It's exactly one week before my birthday... my 30th birthday... I'm not freaking out like a lot of people do... I could careless it's another number... and I really don't feel 30...

Someone asked me if I was freaking out... and I honestly answered "No, maybe I'll be taken seriously now, when I have something to say."

I've always gone through life with people saying stupid demeaning things such as "Oh you're too young to have an opinion about that" ... "Well you wouldn't know about that, you're too young?" ... "Oh you're only a baby..." ... "Well I"ll check anyway..." ... "Are you sure??"

I only really talk about something or tell someone something if I'm sure... generally when not in a heightened over sensitive and over emotional place while having the conversation... which generally only happens when talking with Jamie... so... I'm fairly confident that I know what I'm talking about, unless I come right out and say "Well I don't know that much about this could you explain it a bit better..." which I have been known too do.

If they don't take me more serious then maybe I'll just shrug... say fuckit... and become a hermit that does nothing but play computer games online all day long... and just stop interacting with people....

Next!

So here's a non-rhetorical question for you all... let's see if any of you actually answer it...

After two people have been in love for 5 years can they ever just be friends?

I would love to hear the answer on this one as others I've spoken too have some very interesting opinions about whether or not that could actually ever happen. Some say yes... some say no... some say it depends who the people are... some say they won't answer...

I know... it's a toughie... but gimme an opinion ; )

R.I.P Kayleb

Kayleb sitting in the window of my bedroom in our old house.

So here I sit today saddened by the fact that my kitty cat died. He was just a bit older then my youngest son. And he's been with us through three moves, five other cats, two dogs, several fish and even a bird or two...

It was in February 2001, I was immensely pregnant with the youngest of the menchildren... the man and I had two cats. Aries and Sylver. But every time we went outside for something we'd see these three cats out on our neighbours balcony. We lived in a quad and he was the other second floor apartment. It was very cold out and there was at least three feet of snow on our balconies that we had to shovel just to get to the stairs.
Cliff (the neighbour) had asked us a couple weeks previous if we'd like to have a kitten. Well with our two already we said no, of course. Our apartment was fairly small already didn't need more cats. So it had been a few weeks of really cold when we started to see these three furballs out on his balcony.
One night the man came in the house and said the were there when he got home from work (he had been working straight midnights) and that they were still out there. If any of you truly know me at all you know what happened next...
The man and I looked at each other with the same look the "they can't stay out in the cold and freeze to death, but we really can't afford to take care of them" look... most of my friends know that look, they've used it themselves.
For the next couple hours he tried to catch the three cats who of course were very wary of people. After much running around and almost freezing he managed, much to the chagrin of Aries and Sylver, to finally catch all three of them.
And thus Scarlett, Demona and Kayleb all came to live with us. Scarlett got her name because she was the mama cat with an attitude that matched Scarlett O'Hara's, she never really did warm up to people much. Demona, got her name... hmm... I'm trying to remember where she got her name, I think it was from Gargoyles...
Kayleb, he got his name because I had gone back to school after giving birth to the oldest boychild, even though I was a grade 12 I ended up in two grade ten classes. I only needed two electives to graduate. So all these friggin grade tens thought I was some transfer student since I started halfway through the year. As we all know highschool is not really great, this proved it to me, I loved high school until taking a year off and went back. Anyway, this kid Caleb, was pretty nice to me even when the others weren't. I took the boy to a highschool hockey game with me and Caleb came over to say hi to me. Cutest thing, he looks at me and says "Oh hey, you babysitting?" to which I replied "Well, if you consider taking care of your own baby as babysitting" and laughed. Well you could have picked his jaw up off the floor. He asked how old I was, when he found out I was 19 and actually a grade 12, he realized that the others had been such idiots. He just gave me a smile, nodded and said "Cool, you two want to come sit with me?"
I don't know why when we got the cats Caleb had come to mind, but he did and thats how Kayleb got his name.
Years went on, Sylver and Aries died shortly after we moved into the house of some rare cat disease. Since it didn't affect the other three the vet thought that maybe they had been carriers. So we said no more cats for us.
Well life happens and Scarlett and Demona went to go live with the mans mom, the man and I were going through some real tough shit and I was leaving and it was just yucky... he gave them to her and was going to keep Kayleb. She didn't think he'd fit in up there (read that as: I have uncut males who would try to kill him)
So I wised up came back, missed the others and convinced the man that I wanted another cat, one that actually shows affection and such. Kayleb was never one that got too affection with people. Thats when Skeezix came along, we got him while a friend was visiting.
Kayleb's attitude started changing, he would watch how the kitten interacted with us, and started to come out of his shell. He would rub up against us and come on the bed looking for pets and such. He was much more lovable.
Well, not thinking, Skeezix got sick. It had been six years we hadn't thought about how he could have gotten sick.
Then Kayleb got sick. So it would seem he was a carrier, and when he got older he succumbed to the sickness as well.

So the man and I have decided, no more cats, for a long while.

I'll miss him

Oh What Can It Mean, To A Daydream Believer and A Homecoming Queen...

Not to be all angst-y again ... I try to get my angst out here and then to move on... keyword there is try... So not to say that I'm not dealing with some crap still but... onward....

So week two of the beginning of school is coming to an end ... and I have not been to the gym these past two weeks like I had wanted.. if it wasn't one thing it was another... so when I've been going to get the monkey from school I've been leaving the house a bit late so that I have to hustle my ass and get some cardio going... yeah lame... but it's that little bit that will help...

I'm thinking of recruiting a friend of mine to help me out for a couple of weeks...

Went and met the teachers at the little guys school last night... I'm not sure at which grade it was that I started having more then one teacher a day... but I know that in grade two I did not have three teachers.

Their day is split into three... they have two periods then a nutrition break then two periods then lunch then two periods... so he has one teacher for the first two, another in the second two and the third in the last two periods...

That's really kind of confusing for a 7 year old... and hell that's going to make parent teacher interviews a bit confusing...

If this first two weeks was a preview of the year to come I'm going to become the schools worst nightmare... a major component of school is spelling... and everyone knows that I'm a spelling nazi.. .so when my kid is coming home and his spelling words that he has to study for the next week aren't spelt correctly in his book... I have a problem with this... either he copied them down wrong, or they put them up wrong... for the second scenario it wouldn't surprise me (see below for that rant) however, for the first one... if he's put them done wrong, they check the agendas everyday so... you would think that the would have corrected the spelling list at the side. Nope. I did.


Now as for the second scenario... it wouldn't surprise me as I know a few teachers, and sure they're not all english teachers but... come-the-fuck-on... you should know how to spell. I don't care if you work with elementary students, high school or college level people. Spelling mistakes reflect so poorly on a teacher. A typo here and there is understandable as we all do them. It's usually a case of brain moving faster then the fingers. However, when you are constantly spelling words in correct, you need to look at your profession and think... how serious am I about this... children look up to you and you are setting an example for them. If you can't spell simple everyday words what does that say about you?

I think it's downright shameful that there are people out there teaching my kids and other peoples children that can't spell. Yeah it may seem to be a small thing, but when you come to think about how much typing/writing and what not you have to do in your daily lives...

People say there's two subjects you'll use everyday from elementary school... 1- Math ... 2- English.

If you can't express yourself via the written word when you're a teacher, without coming across looking like an idiot, get a new job.


So it's 11 days until my birthday... and thus far it looks as if it's going to suck a large knobby cock... and I haven't been anywhere near as excited about it as I have in past years... *shrugs* maybe I'm actually starting to grow up. Or it could be because of all this bullshit that's been dumped on me by a friend who dumped it and then left me 'waiting'... so much fun I couldn't even bear to try and shake a stick at it...

friend

n. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance. ---> A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade. <--- One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement. Friend, A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.

anyway a little side tangent there for a moment...

So back to the birthday... I have no plans as of yet... I won't be going out because my sitter won't be around... doubt we'd go out anyway not much money laying about for that sort of stuff... so it looks like my 30th will be spent at home... doing what we do every night...
Pinky and I will be 'TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!' *insert evil laugh here*

yeah... I know... showing my age... and also displaying how tired I am... that's what happens when you get no sleep... or aren't sleeping well when you do sleep... unfortunately it's been easier to do during the day... when others - I know - are awake...

*laughs* So not impressed in this labour day picture but it so reflects how I'm feeling right now. No smile. No laughter. No patience. No sleep.
Though I must have some sort of sense of humour to put up such an unattractive pic of myself ;)

Oh and looking at that pic it's hard to believe, whether your a daydreamer or not, that I once was a homecoming type queen...

"intelligent input darlin' why don't you just go and have another beer then?"

took last two pills...

So now... I have a confession to make... after all this talk from me about how all us bloggers only talk about the surface superficial stuff...


I quit smoking almost four years ago... it's been a daily struggle for me to not light up... I was one of those crazy kids that started when they were like 10 years old... it's easy when you have a parent that's a smoker... so by the time I quit I had already been smoking for 15 years... I fell to the temptation two years ago and had two cigarettes while on vacation...

It had been quite the trying day in a semi sort of positive way... ah hell... some guy got me really fucking horny and I couldn't stand it anymore... it was either have the cigarette or stop being good... tell you the truth I should have just forgone the cigarettes...

After that day two years ago I haven't touched a cigarette since... I know how easy it is once your an ex smoker to fall right back into it after one or two...
The man is helpful about it... tells me how proud of me he is when he knows I'd just like to light one up... he is a smoker and to help me he smokes outside... and if we're all outside he smokes away from the rest of us... not to hide it but because he doesn't want to make the kids sick and also doesn't want to tempt me into smoking again...

Last night...
I was so distraught after a five and a half hour long conversation, about another conversation that was had on Friday and ... yeah it was an emotional roller coaster at the best of times last night as we discussed feelings and emotions and all that good stuff that happen with people who have been friends for as long as we have...

I was so emotional drained and trying to numb myself that I just got up from my desk went outside took a deep breath and lit a cigarette...

I'm not going to try to justify that it doesn't count because I only smoked half... or rationalize why I smoked it...

I fell.

Today has been harder... I've been sitting here fidgeting all day... fighting off the want to go take another of the mans cigarettes and smoke it... as I fight off the urge to dive into this bottle of Jack Daniels I have sitting in the other room...

Oh no,
She's at the bottom of that bottle
She's only one more swallow
From being, oh, so hollow

Usually the music helps... but when part of the issue is brought forth from the music itself... it's tough...

there's a burning feeling in the bottom of my stomach... a lump in my throat... feeling a bit fuzzy headed... I'd tell you how I feel but the only words that come to me when I even think about it are 'raw' and 'numb'

Now how can someone be raw and numb at the same time ? *shrugs and sighs*

So there you go... something 'real' in a blog post... maybe I'll actually tell you the back story to the feelings one day...

Anyway... I'm off to fill another addiction... (slurpee)

I Want To Feel The Steel Of The Red Hot Truth....

Day 3 of taking the pills...

So... if I have one word of advice for any women out there it would have to be... don't make big decisions while hormonal... you'll start to have second thoughts about it in the morning...

Letting go of control on my night time stories had such an odd effect... people I don't talk to, running marathons, large lobsters breaking fishing tanks... to me trying so hard without prevail to save some smaller fish...

I have so much to tell and yet can't find the words... making one person extremely happy by making another extremely unhappy...

sometimes we have to make sacrifices and those are the hardest things we have to do... we do them for our family, our friends, and ourselves... we sacrifice our own happiness to make others happy so much more often then not...

we wittle away at our own happiness.. thinking that others make us happy because we make others happy... we can only be happy if we make ourselves happy... yet we're so willing to sacrifice all that to make someone else's life easier...
sometimes they don't realize what you've done for them... until it's too late and they can't even thank you for it anymore...

I know I'm the reason you're so angry today... it's because of what I said and did last night... I've apologized... and rationalized why I did it... I know that you think how you feel now about it doesn't matter to me because of what I said. You couldn't be more wrong... it tears me apart having to tell you goodbye like that, I never wanted it... never.
In order to make someone happy I had too, even if they'll never know that I did it for them.
There are no words in any language that can explain how sorry I am for having to do what I did last night, and I hope that maybe one day you won't be angry with me anymore.

Have you ever had to say goodbye to your best friend in the world? It's really not an easy thing to do. It leaves both people hurt, confused, angry, and just not in the best frame of mind.

enh... maybe more later...

Chasing Amy...

Day 2 no ill effects thankfully...

The universe has come down upon me and told me to put my actions where my mouth is...

I got a phone call yesterday, a friend of mine is taking on a project and has asked for me to help her out if she finds out if it's been ok'd. I'm not going to go into exactly what it is until I get a confirmation that it's on. But I can't wait I'm so excited I hope that it goes through it's a project I'd definitely get some enjoyment out of working on.

I've done a lot of thinking lately and it sucks... one of things that I enjoyed most about my evenings has been taken from me. The timing of it tells me that I already know the reason. Even though I've tried to tell myself that ... enh fuckit... not gonna sit here and spew forth the emotion train...

There is the exact reason why I don't reveal the raw emotions on my blog... and really... no one with a blog does...

There's a world of people writing in blogs about the surface of their lives ... speaking in cryptic analogies about their true feelings...

Welcome to the world of blogging... a whole lot of people talking and no one really saying anything...

We Only Said Good-bye with Words

Ok so day 1 of the drug treatment...

just read the little paper insert... seems the only real warning it has is that blurry vision may occur... well I've been walking around with blurry vision for a couple of years now... what's a bit longer...

Especially since I haven't been wearing my glasses much this summer since I don't have any prescription sunglasses... I'm going to look into getting another pair and having the light sensitive lenses in them...

Seems I have stirred some attention southward as I now seem to have visitors coming in from some Universities logging in to witness some of my ramblings... *waves at the peepers from UGA and VSU* Can't imagine I'm posting anything noteworthy to them.

hmm... wonder if I could entertain with a song or two...

Name that tune... as you wonder...
Well, my girl's in the next room Sometimes I wish she was you I guess we never really moved on It's really good to hear your voice say my name It sounds so sweet Coming from the lips of an angel Hearing those words it makes me weak And I never wanna say goodbye But girl you make it hard to be faithful With the lips of an angel

Or how about this one...
Oh, now, we took it back too far, Only love can save us now, all these riddles that you burn All come runnin back to you, all these rhythms that you hide Only love can save us now, all these riddles that you burn I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you Fear is not the end of this!

And lastly how about this one...
There is this place inside Where all the good things die Sometimes I feel like a whore (Sometimes I feel like a whore) I hate the way I am around you (I'm so nervous and weird) Sometimes I feel like I'm Breathing underwater Yes I dream of the time When I can make you mine (Maybe then I'll feel half alive, more alive, so alive)

*stops now, and stops chuckling...*

It's only 9:30 in the morning and I'm already feeling like it's going to be a good day... It's the day after the rain...

Have you ever noticed that guilt makes people do things they wouldn't normally do... it makes them try harder because they feel bad... shouldn't they try harder because they want to instead of feeling obligated too... instead of trying to placate the other person... and really it's not like the other person could honestly believe that the effort is true... To all of a sudden get up and do something that has become very uncharacteristic of them ... to do it to make someone else happy... is that really going to make them happy... doing stuff that only makes others happy? Eventually they know it'll suck them up and cause them that deep dark depression that they dislike so much because they've lost who they are in this person that they seem to have become...

It's funny (in that strange, not so 'ha ha' kind of way). If they really wanted to do what they're doing... then they would have been doing it.

In the end, they're a bigger liar than they ever realized. And there's no way back from that.
How does that feel, knowing that you're a liar, a fake, a shadow of your true existence?

We only said good-bye with words

Just Tell Me Have You Ever Really?

To really love a woman
To understand her - you gotta know it deep inside
Hear every thought - see every dream
N' give her wings - when she wants to fly
Then when you find yourself layin' helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman you tell her
that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
she needs somebody to tell her
that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
- really really ever loved a woman?

To really love a woman
Let her hold you -
til ya know how she needs to be touched
You've gotta breathe her - really taste her
Til you can feel her in your blood
N' when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman
you tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
she needs somebody to tell her
that you'll always be together
So tell me have you ever really -
really really ever loved a woman?

You got to give her some faith - hold her tight
A little tenderness - gotta treat her right
She will be there for you, takin' good care of you
Ya really gotta love your woman...

Then when you find yourself layin' helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman you tell her
that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
she needs somebody to tell her
that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
- really really ever loved a woman?

Just tell me have you ever really,
really, really, ever loved a woman? You got to tell me
Just tell me have you ever really,
really, really, ever loved a woman?

Real post to come when not so tired... For now... Enjoy some Bryan.

y 2 = 2px or x2 = 2py

Oh so many blogs in oh so many days... whatever will you all do with yourselves!! *laughs*

I had to have a post for today...!

It's labour day... well that's not why there just /had/ to be a blog for today... but... Happy Labour Day to You!

If you don't know what labour day is you didn't grow up in North America and it's not important to you... so no worries... Happy First Monday of September!! to the rest of the world.

This is a two part blog... the first part everyone will understand... the second... I will understand.

I once told someone that I don't blog about my feelings anymore... there's a reason for that.
I haven't blogged about my feelings anymore because I always felt I had to be cryptic about them so as to not offend anyone, and so that I wouldn't get to open with anyone, so that people didn't know me... and also so that those who do read this blog that know me well don't call me up and rag on me or ask me if I'm ok...

I don't write about my inner thoughts and feelings because for the most part they're very dark and somewhat morbid and I would hate to have any of you know just how much... it's the facade of the happy go lucky 'nice' Canadian girl that's expected here on the web... if I had total anonymity I would feel a little more secure with revealing all about my inner workings... but with having friends of friends, and co workers, family and friends all reading this... it's a bit different... it would be like you willingly walking in and saying to your parents "I broke the big 7 and I don't regret it for one moment." You know that you wouldn't for a moment do that.

There are lots of people on the net who blog publicly and never open themselves up... to do so is to welcome criticism from your peers. Do you really want someone to come along and say "Dude! How could you be such a cold hearted bastard and not take their feelings into consideration before doing such a god awfully despicable thing?! How dare you feel that way! it's just not normal!" Do you want to open yourself up to that?

No of course not, so we blog about things.. things that happen to us, or around us... things that happen in the world and our opinions on it... things that happen to our friends and loved ones... things about our health... We never talk about the things that we don't want people to say negative things about...

Even those who don't care about the blank masses opinion of our small blip of a life, the ones who shout out "Fuck The World" those who shrug when babies die, animals get run over, or hear of people getting flooded out of their homes... even those people have at least one person in their life that they would rather die then have that person say something negative about what they're doing or feeling.

The internet is a wonderful marvel...it's a place for complete anonymity and a place where you can find out all the info you would ever need on a person... Lots of us hide behind our computers and express our opinions no matter how disgusting, hateful, wonderful or brilliant they might be... Some have become famous from the internet for different reasons, good and bad.

Some of us write our blogs to get comments from others to validate our existence... to let us know that there are people out there who commiserate with us... there are those that write in order to stay sane... stay awake... fall asleep... quiet the demons... wake the soul... motivate... relax... there are so many reasons why we sit at our computers and reach out into the unknown that is cyber space... I'd ask why you do it, but then you might think that it wasn't a rhetorical question and you might answer thinking that I'm looking for some sort of human contact through this cold machine...

I've met some wonderful people and some not so wonderful people through this contraption... some I loved and now hate... some I hated and now love... but beware it's so easy to do either when misrepresented too...

I hope you all (and I can say that as I know there's more then one person who reads my drivel) have a great Labour Day/First Monday In September ... may the changes in your life teach you something about yourself...

******* Thus ends Part One ... And So Starts Part Two ******

two years ago today... it has not dwindled it has not died... both remember it fondly... have spoken many times about it in whispers... without any regret... wished it could and would happen again... many a day while one was away listened to each other hope out loud... wish with a groan... oh how many times we said the words 'I wish'...

I wish I'd known you before... I wish you were here... I wish we were together... I wish you were mine... I wish I could hear you... I wish I could see you... I wish I could hold you... I wish she were yours...

Somedays I can't believe that it was two years ago... it feels like just yesterday... and other days it feels oh so long ago...

It's happened so many more times... in thought and dream and word...

I <3 Kevin Smith

As I sit here typing up this blogpost I'm watching one of my favourite men in the movie industry... He reminds me of a friend of mine... He is an extremely intelligent and down to earth guy... I've been watching some of the lectures/questions and answer times that he does around the countries and conventions... he's smart, funny, fluffy, and just cool and man I love his hands... it's no wonder that I heart Kevin Smith... and I wish I could talk more with my friend that in almost every way is like Kevin Smith...

So I sat down the other night and was thinking about the upcoming fall... it seems that I'm going to be quite a busy busy girl this autumn...

Lions will be going back into full swing as of next week... DCN meetings will be back in swing in a couple of weeks after the Suicide Awareness Walk... I'll be going to the college a couple of courses... The three of us will be leaving everyday at the same time, we'll be walking the youngest to school, then the man and I will be catching the bus, where I'll be getting off of the bus at the mall and going to the gym, the man will be heading to work... I'll be buckling down on packing up the apartment... I'll be setting up a new scouting group in the area... Plus dealing with all the medical stuff... So I really hope that I can get away from this chair that's flattening and fattening my ass...

The internet is the devil... messenger services... email... online games... networking sites... blogs...

What's funny is the fact that since I'm not even remotely Christian I don't even believe in the devil... so that's really just for you guys that are...

I have been online since 1998... that was the year that I took my student loans and bought myself a computer... December 2006 I bought my second computer... (yeah the old one had a few upgrades during the 8 years) ... I think it's time that my presence online diminished a bit... I'll still post here for those who do want to know whats going on with me... those who wish to spy on me... and for those who are bored... I'll still be a staffer on the MU* that I'm on... albeit my time there will not be as much and as pronounced... so I'm glad we got a couple new plot masters this evening...

So yes my naughty little donkeys as of Tuesday life in my house will be getting busier and in better shape... and the only ones who will suffer will be the ones that don't talk to me that often anyway... so I guess they wouldn't be suffering at all... a few may even rejoice that I am not around.

Comedic Quote for today comes from Jimmy Carr:
"When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend, and I used to think he went everywhere with me, that I could talk to him and he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up and I stopped going to church."

And How Was Your Friday?!

I get a call yesterday from the oldest's dad... "Have you heard from him?" to which I reply .."Um no..." he's calling from his cell phone on the bus and I can hear him mutter before he says "I'm gonna fucking kill him. He's not at home, I just got off the phone with your mother, he wasn't there when she went to pick him up."

Well that was like a splash of cold water... "So what are you telling me? You don't know where our son is?!"

Here I sat at my tiny apartment another city away with no car finding out that it's possible that no one has seen my son for at least 3 hours.

There was a system we had set up all summer. If his dad had to work he would check in with my mom at just after 1pm. But the night before he had slept at his friends house, he was supposed to call me before noon, be home by 4pm when my mom was picking him up to come.

Well I thought nothing of him not calling because sometimes he just forgets that, but I never for a million years would think that he would not be at home for when my mom got there to pick him up. He knows better then that.

So the ex tells me he'll call me back as soon as he gets home and sees if he's somewhere in their housing complex at a friends house.

Well while he's doing that.. I make my own phone call to calm my nerves...

So I'm on the phone with my friend, when he calls back... He's at home and checked around and went to the friends house. Seems the manchild left at 2pm with another of his friends... ok but now it's about 5:30pm or so.

So my mom and my ex start scouring the countryside... parks, hangouts, driving up and down the roads... he'll call me back when he finds out anything...

Thank the gods for call waiting... I go back to my friend who is getting constant updates... and here I sit... in my tiny apartment with no car... useless.

It goes back and forth between my friend and my ex... for... hours!

I text my sister - You still at the carnival? - They still can't find him. - She calls me. Friend holds... again.

Now I remember what it was like doing the telemarketing job. Sis thinks of a couple of places to check. I hang up with her, and grab my cell phone to call mom and suggest a couple of places to her to look and I get... the voice.

'We've got him. I'm bringing him there.'

She used that voice, the mother voice that no matter how old you are you feel about 3 inches tall and 10 years old. I just said ok and hung up.

That was at 8 something pm. That they had finally found him. He was three doors down at a friend of his friends, in the basement playing video games.

The ex by this point was so angry he wanted to ... and I quote "I want to smash your face into this wall so bad right now!" ... yep he said that too him.

So I went outside and was waiting on the stairs... still on the phone with the friend... the ex calls me and tells me all that happened and that mom was on her way with him.
Go back to friend after telling the ex to go have a stiff drink and relax now. And start to tell her what the ex just said and the phone beeps it's my mom. So I go back to the friend after talking to mom for a second. And let her know that I have to go as mom is literally pulling into my driveway.

So after hugging my mom, I grab him and hug him tight. I told him that I love him and let him know that we'll talk tomorrow (today), since he got a dose of his dad and grandma already I figured I'd let things cool down a bit before talking to him. He'd be more receptive that way.

Went over and said thanks to my mom and gave her a hug.

So after a little while and a phone for some take away, I grab the oldest and decide we're going for a walk to the store... on the way I got him talking... asking him about what my mom and his dad said to him. He shrugged and said "To not do it again." so yeah I need to talk to him still and make him understand why.

All he remembered of his dad saying was the quote above... yeah that's not helpful. He says that he understood what grandma was saying but that he didn't remember too much of it. She tends to cry a bit when shit like this happens. But I do recall her telling me she wanted to beat his ass as well, so wouldn't be surprised if that was in there.

So I think I'll give it a go a bit later.

I thank the gods every time I have to sit and talk with the kids about their actions and the consequences of them...

However, the ex had said that maybe if he's going to be like this, after I move maybe the oldest should come and live with me. Thats not exactly how I wanted that to happen but...

Hard Gay- Papa Hooo!

Ok so I was up until about 7 or 8 this morning talking with a friend of mine on skype... we had a ball!

I was introduced to Hard Gay... the funniest clip of his would be the one that highlights his name there...

The two of us would sync up our youtube so that we were watching at the exact same time ... I had to take breaks between the clips because I couldn't breathe from laughing so much...

It was nice to wake up and have sore cheeks and stomach from laughing so hard... I've not done that with anyone in a really long time... told my friend that not many get to see me laugh that hard as it's not that easy to do anymore... I'm glad we had so much fun just talking and exchanging links from different sites...

They've done this with me before not the hard gay links that was new, but staying up with me keeping me company or cheering me up... especially before the HSG and my doctors appointment where we got the results... I get all nervous and worked up... it's good to have friends that are willing to sacrifice some sleep to make you feel better... From the bottom of my heart... Thank You. ; )

The 30th is a second new moon in this month... it will serve to be an interesting time for ritual... and boy oh boy do I have one planned... *grins*

I had a great albeit long weekend... I'm thankful that soccer is over... it was fun coaching and I'd do it again but I don't think the littlest wants to do soccer again... the made out pretty well... everyone at that age gets trophies but overall they had 6 wins and 7 losses... the older one isn't finished until playoffs on Sept 6th... but I just get to be mom and watch that one.

Had a good time at a bbq at moms house after all the soccer stuff...
hmm other then that nothing of importance to note ...

Short and Sweet Compared to The Last

So good and bad news from my doctors appointment last Thursday.

Everything is all good with the man... everything seems to be all in order with me...

BUT...

I'm not ovulating... well that can mess with shit... *laughs*

We're gonna fix that little problem right up. ; ) And then be on our way...

HSG - Hella Sore 'Gina

I went for what's called an HSG procedure not last Wednesday but the one before it... I knew about what was going to happen during the procedure so I wasn't going in totally blind to what was happening.

I stayed up through the night talking with a friend of mine because I couldn't sleep, so he was nice enough to keep my company. (It's good to have friends on the other side of the world, that way when ya need to talk you're not walking someone up in the wee hours, you're just keeping them from their dinner). I got dressed and got ready to go as my ride to the hospital would be here at a quarter to seven.

Prepared with my ipod for the bus ride home off I went to go get in the car. So I checked in at the admitting at 7am as I was told that my appointment was at 7:15am by my doctors office... I got sent down to xray and was told to wait in this tiny little waiting room that had about 4 chairs in it and a bunch of storage stuff for the little coffee stand down the hall... there I sat from five after seven until a nurse in altogether too much pink came and called my name looking around as if there was a crowd of people sitting there at about twenty five after seven....

I followed her down the hall and she turns to me as we get to the changing room door "Did you take your tylenol or advil like the doctor told you?" I of course respond with "Um no, what are you talking about?" thinking too myself I only do that to my kids if their going for their shots... what have I been talked into?... she winces a little and gives me that 'there there' smile and says "oh sometimes the other doctors will tell their patients to take a tylenol or advil before hand..." I wanted so badly to ask why but she went right into telling me where the gown was that I have to put on and telling me that she'll come and get me when it's time that I still had a bit to wait... This is where I piped up with "My appointment was for 7:15?" as I look at my watch and giving her the 'what do you mean I have time?' tone ... She checks a sheet in her hand and says "Yep you're appointment is at 7:45am, the doctor should be here at anytime" *sigh*

So she goes into "There's some pain involved, there's a slight pinch and a bit of cramping... hope you brought a panty liner as there will be a bit of leakage as well.." and she disappears through the door that says 'Do Not Enter - Xray'

I stand there blinking and shaking my head, slip into the booth, disrobe and put the gown on which of course we all know opens at the back and flashes everyone behind you your ass crack... Suddenly I'm very cold and faced with the "Should I go to the bathroom now... or should I wait and let her know that I'm going so that she doesn't come back here find me gone and think I've just split?" after a few moments of the 'naked from the waist down, ass crack exposed, I can't wait much longer' pee pee dance I finally say fuckit and just go to the washroom...

After standing on the cold floor waiting after the washroom break the overly pink dressed nurse comes back and gives me a small smile and lets me know that I can come in now... as if all the stuff she had been doing was top secret shit that she'd just finally finished putting away... She leads me into the 'Do Not Enter - Xray' room... where there's of course an xray machine, a few monitors, a really hard table and a big fucking draft coming from the other door... she says to me now that it's half past seven that the doctor hasn't arrived and we're still waiting for him...

So there I sit on a chair freezing my ass off and it's then that I realize that when I had my shower this morning I completely forgot to shave the fur from my legs that of course is long enough to be seen and sharp enough to cut someone should they graze their arm against it... I hang my head as I know that there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it now... The nurse walks out saying something about going to look for the doctor after she gets me to sign the waiver stating that the procedure has been explained to me and I know what's going to happen...

Five minutes later my doctor comes in says good morning shakes my hand and asks how I am, instead of the truth I gave him a pleasant smile and the nod with the "Oh, Fine" answer that we give people when we know that they truly aren't asking because they want to know the answer.

He looks at me then looks around and says "Where's the nurse?" I chuckled and answer with "Out looking for you" he nods and starts of course suiting up in this big heavy duty lead vest dress thing, and she comes back and gets suited up in her heavy duty lead skirt and top thing that she's got and I can't help but wonder if maybe I should be donning one of those things as well or if the flimsy cotton gown has some sort of special lead woven into it to keep my other parts from being liquified by radiation or if they figure I could take it!...

First thing they say when I get up on the table is the first thing I can bet every woman hears at a pap test "Ok if I could just get you to scooch your bum down a bit" which of course is easier said then down for some reason.
So laying there with the gown on this huge machine beside me, my feet together and almost under my arse, the doc lifts the gown and goes ahead and inserts the freezing cold duck billed spreader-opener... which of course is always a good idea since muscles and tissue and shit loves to be forced open when it's trying to slam shut from the cold...good fuckin idea...

So I dunno about any other women out there but when at a pap test the doctor says ok going to feel a bit of pressure when they do the sampling from your cervix.... it hurts, it's not pressure it actually really kinda hurts... so cleaned the area after swabbing it... that didn't feel nice... tells me that now there's going to be a slight pinching... yeah slight pinching if you mean now it's going to feel like I'm shoving a hot poker into your twat... I ask the nurse for a tissue as I sometimes tear up at pap tests so after the hot poker I might just here as well...

She gives me the tissue and the doctor then says ok take a deep breath (those words are never followed by anything good) I take the deep breath and as I do I feel my entire body clench at the same moment that it feels like he's just busted his way through my cervix and into my throat... I am now not so sure I really want to be laying there doing this... as I strengthen my mind and make myself like a rock... then comes the nurses voice as she pats my shoulder to try to comfort me saying "Now you may feel some slight cramping.." I've turned to look at the monitors as I could see them from where I was as she moves the x-ray into place at my abdomen... I can see my uterus on the screen and of course a dark line going into it... which of course was a hose... Suddenly I see dark shadowy stuff coming from the dark line as he injects the dye into me... and thats when the most severe cramping of my life happened... I went from mediumly uncomfortable to oh my fucking god thats ripping me fucking open in an instant...

I couldn't help but to clench my jaw and groan loudly in pain to keep from screaming, and any and all other energy I had left went into stopping myself from kicking the doctor in the head... then... the phone rings... he has a patient upstairs about to deliver a baby... thankfully the nurse tells them he'll be done soon... as I lay there groaning and they're taking pictures she pats my shoulder again and tells me 'it's all for a good reason'... I just clench further and nod.. of course thinking to myself... I'm going to find the man and kill him whoever thought up this barbaric procedure... Finally they're finished... he walks over to my head and puts a hand on my shoulder and says "I'm sorry for the pain" ... you know... that almost made me feel better.

Not too many doctors apologize for hurting you .. they usually say things like "It'll be over soon" or "it's all over now" but rarely will you ever hear one say 'I'm Sorry'...

So he leaves and goes to deliver the baby ... nurse lets me just lay there for awhile as I've just totally been violated ... so she asks "Did you bring a panty liner with you? I'm not sure if I asked you earlier" I shake my head no and said "You know I don't use them or pads so I never even thought of it" so she offered me one of the pads that the hospitals use... For any and all women who wonder what happened to the pads from the 50's or 60's I've located the mother load of them!

Some won't know what I'm talking about but others will... back when maxi pads first came out women used to wear an elastic type belt around their middles and their big and bulking pads had long flimsy ends that would get clipped to this belt in the front and back... when they came out with the adhesive that makes it nowadays so that the maxi sticks to your panties apparently the hospitals of the world all said to the companies, "we'll take all your old bulky, belt needing pads" and the companies rejoiced and upgraded for the rest of the world...

She hands me one of those pads and says "Sorry we only have these..." and shrugs as I lay there "But there'll only be a bit of leakage" right because most of the crap pumped into me came squirting out my fallopian tubes and is now floating around in my abdomen... So she helps me to sit up and thank goodness for the towel under my butt... (yeah you got the flood image right there didn't ya?)... She helps me off the table and her 'bit of leakage' was trailing down my leg and pooling on her floor... so she got me a wash cloth and sent me on my way into the bath room to get cleaned up...

So thus leads us to another problem... I could care less that I'm leaking a mixture of some sort of dye and blood all over their floor... I was too busy trying to figure out how I was going to get the pad to stay when I don't wear underwear...

I get cleaned up and go to the bathroom and as I sit there I look at this big long pad and my jeans and i think to myself "Gods I'm an idiot" ... until I finally realized ok.. I have fat thighs... and I've worn a thong before... so I stand up and take the pad and give myself a wedgie up the arse with the flimsy end piece of the pad that would have been clipped to the belt, and hold the other flimsy end in the front of me... I keep my legs together as I try so hard to wriggle into my jeans and pull them up... ok so it's positioned right still and I go to do up my pants... I zip 'em up and slip the flimsy end that was in the front through the button hole of my jeans.... eureka... now if I can keep it like that while walking I'll be happy... I made it to the bus stop and sat and waited for it to come ... all the while I'm still in extreme cramping pain... I turn on my ipod and try to lose myself in the music and hide my pain behind my big rock star glasses and get on the bus home... every bump of the bus just added to the pain that I was in... it was horrible...

I got home stripped off my shirt and went into the bedroom as it was only 9am I was going to have to try and sleep now... the man woke up and saw me standing there... he asked if I was alright and I just shook my head and laid down next to him and proceeded to cry for an hour... and continued crying as I described everything that happened to me... and as I said to him...
"I felt totally violated, except this time, I gave permission for it to be done."

For anyone who wants to see a less dramatic explanation of Hysterosalpingography (HSG)