HSG - Hella Sore 'Gina

I went for what's called an HSG procedure not last Wednesday but the one before it... I knew about what was going to happen during the procedure so I wasn't going in totally blind to what was happening.

I stayed up through the night talking with a friend of mine because I couldn't sleep, so he was nice enough to keep my company. (It's good to have friends on the other side of the world, that way when ya need to talk you're not walking someone up in the wee hours, you're just keeping them from their dinner). I got dressed and got ready to go as my ride to the hospital would be here at a quarter to seven.

Prepared with my ipod for the bus ride home off I went to go get in the car. So I checked in at the admitting at 7am as I was told that my appointment was at 7:15am by my doctors office... I got sent down to xray and was told to wait in this tiny little waiting room that had about 4 chairs in it and a bunch of storage stuff for the little coffee stand down the hall... there I sat from five after seven until a nurse in altogether too much pink came and called my name looking around as if there was a crowd of people sitting there at about twenty five after seven....

I followed her down the hall and she turns to me as we get to the changing room door "Did you take your tylenol or advil like the doctor told you?" I of course respond with "Um no, what are you talking about?" thinking too myself I only do that to my kids if their going for their shots... what have I been talked into?... she winces a little and gives me that 'there there' smile and says "oh sometimes the other doctors will tell their patients to take a tylenol or advil before hand..." I wanted so badly to ask why but she went right into telling me where the gown was that I have to put on and telling me that she'll come and get me when it's time that I still had a bit to wait... This is where I piped up with "My appointment was for 7:15?" as I look at my watch and giving her the 'what do you mean I have time?' tone ... She checks a sheet in her hand and says "Yep you're appointment is at 7:45am, the doctor should be here at anytime" *sigh*

So she goes into "There's some pain involved, there's a slight pinch and a bit of cramping... hope you brought a panty liner as there will be a bit of leakage as well.." and she disappears through the door that says 'Do Not Enter - Xray'

I stand there blinking and shaking my head, slip into the booth, disrobe and put the gown on which of course we all know opens at the back and flashes everyone behind you your ass crack... Suddenly I'm very cold and faced with the "Should I go to the bathroom now... or should I wait and let her know that I'm going so that she doesn't come back here find me gone and think I've just split?" after a few moments of the 'naked from the waist down, ass crack exposed, I can't wait much longer' pee pee dance I finally say fuckit and just go to the washroom...

After standing on the cold floor waiting after the washroom break the overly pink dressed nurse comes back and gives me a small smile and lets me know that I can come in now... as if all the stuff she had been doing was top secret shit that she'd just finally finished putting away... She leads me into the 'Do Not Enter - Xray' room... where there's of course an xray machine, a few monitors, a really hard table and a big fucking draft coming from the other door... she says to me now that it's half past seven that the doctor hasn't arrived and we're still waiting for him...

So there I sit on a chair freezing my ass off and it's then that I realize that when I had my shower this morning I completely forgot to shave the fur from my legs that of course is long enough to be seen and sharp enough to cut someone should they graze their arm against it... I hang my head as I know that there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it now... The nurse walks out saying something about going to look for the doctor after she gets me to sign the waiver stating that the procedure has been explained to me and I know what's going to happen...

Five minutes later my doctor comes in says good morning shakes my hand and asks how I am, instead of the truth I gave him a pleasant smile and the nod with the "Oh, Fine" answer that we give people when we know that they truly aren't asking because they want to know the answer.

He looks at me then looks around and says "Where's the nurse?" I chuckled and answer with "Out looking for you" he nods and starts of course suiting up in this big heavy duty lead vest dress thing, and she comes back and gets suited up in her heavy duty lead skirt and top thing that she's got and I can't help but wonder if maybe I should be donning one of those things as well or if the flimsy cotton gown has some sort of special lead woven into it to keep my other parts from being liquified by radiation or if they figure I could take it!...

First thing they say when I get up on the table is the first thing I can bet every woman hears at a pap test "Ok if I could just get you to scooch your bum down a bit" which of course is easier said then down for some reason.
So laying there with the gown on this huge machine beside me, my feet together and almost under my arse, the doc lifts the gown and goes ahead and inserts the freezing cold duck billed spreader-opener... which of course is always a good idea since muscles and tissue and shit loves to be forced open when it's trying to slam shut from the cold...good fuckin idea...

So I dunno about any other women out there but when at a pap test the doctor says ok going to feel a bit of pressure when they do the sampling from your cervix.... it hurts, it's not pressure it actually really kinda hurts... so cleaned the area after swabbing it... that didn't feel nice... tells me that now there's going to be a slight pinching... yeah slight pinching if you mean now it's going to feel like I'm shoving a hot poker into your twat... I ask the nurse for a tissue as I sometimes tear up at pap tests so after the hot poker I might just here as well...

She gives me the tissue and the doctor then says ok take a deep breath (those words are never followed by anything good) I take the deep breath and as I do I feel my entire body clench at the same moment that it feels like he's just busted his way through my cervix and into my throat... I am now not so sure I really want to be laying there doing this... as I strengthen my mind and make myself like a rock... then comes the nurses voice as she pats my shoulder to try to comfort me saying "Now you may feel some slight cramping.." I've turned to look at the monitors as I could see them from where I was as she moves the x-ray into place at my abdomen... I can see my uterus on the screen and of course a dark line going into it... which of course was a hose... Suddenly I see dark shadowy stuff coming from the dark line as he injects the dye into me... and thats when the most severe cramping of my life happened... I went from mediumly uncomfortable to oh my fucking god thats ripping me fucking open in an instant...

I couldn't help but to clench my jaw and groan loudly in pain to keep from screaming, and any and all other energy I had left went into stopping myself from kicking the doctor in the head... then... the phone rings... he has a patient upstairs about to deliver a baby... thankfully the nurse tells them he'll be done soon... as I lay there groaning and they're taking pictures she pats my shoulder again and tells me 'it's all for a good reason'... I just clench further and nod.. of course thinking to myself... I'm going to find the man and kill him whoever thought up this barbaric procedure... Finally they're finished... he walks over to my head and puts a hand on my shoulder and says "I'm sorry for the pain" ... you know... that almost made me feel better.

Not too many doctors apologize for hurting you .. they usually say things like "It'll be over soon" or "it's all over now" but rarely will you ever hear one say 'I'm Sorry'...

So he leaves and goes to deliver the baby ... nurse lets me just lay there for awhile as I've just totally been violated ... so she asks "Did you bring a panty liner with you? I'm not sure if I asked you earlier" I shake my head no and said "You know I don't use them or pads so I never even thought of it" so she offered me one of the pads that the hospitals use... For any and all women who wonder what happened to the pads from the 50's or 60's I've located the mother load of them!

Some won't know what I'm talking about but others will... back when maxi pads first came out women used to wear an elastic type belt around their middles and their big and bulking pads had long flimsy ends that would get clipped to this belt in the front and back... when they came out with the adhesive that makes it nowadays so that the maxi sticks to your panties apparently the hospitals of the world all said to the companies, "we'll take all your old bulky, belt needing pads" and the companies rejoiced and upgraded for the rest of the world...

She hands me one of those pads and says "Sorry we only have these..." and shrugs as I lay there "But there'll only be a bit of leakage" right because most of the crap pumped into me came squirting out my fallopian tubes and is now floating around in my abdomen... So she helps me to sit up and thank goodness for the towel under my butt... (yeah you got the flood image right there didn't ya?)... She helps me off the table and her 'bit of leakage' was trailing down my leg and pooling on her floor... so she got me a wash cloth and sent me on my way into the bath room to get cleaned up...

So thus leads us to another problem... I could care less that I'm leaking a mixture of some sort of dye and blood all over their floor... I was too busy trying to figure out how I was going to get the pad to stay when I don't wear underwear...

I get cleaned up and go to the bathroom and as I sit there I look at this big long pad and my jeans and i think to myself "Gods I'm an idiot" ... until I finally realized ok.. I have fat thighs... and I've worn a thong before... so I stand up and take the pad and give myself a wedgie up the arse with the flimsy end piece of the pad that would have been clipped to the belt, and hold the other flimsy end in the front of me... I keep my legs together as I try so hard to wriggle into my jeans and pull them up... ok so it's positioned right still and I go to do up my pants... I zip 'em up and slip the flimsy end that was in the front through the button hole of my jeans.... eureka... now if I can keep it like that while walking I'll be happy... I made it to the bus stop and sat and waited for it to come ... all the while I'm still in extreme cramping pain... I turn on my ipod and try to lose myself in the music and hide my pain behind my big rock star glasses and get on the bus home... every bump of the bus just added to the pain that I was in... it was horrible...

I got home stripped off my shirt and went into the bedroom as it was only 9am I was going to have to try and sleep now... the man woke up and saw me standing there... he asked if I was alright and I just shook my head and laid down next to him and proceeded to cry for an hour... and continued crying as I described everything that happened to me... and as I said to him...
"I felt totally violated, except this time, I gave permission for it to be done."

For anyone who wants to see a less dramatic explanation of Hysterosalpingography (HSG)