Tuesday, October 26, 2010

So Take These Broken Wings, And Learn To Fly Again, And Learn To Live So Free

Sometimes it's hard to not feel invisible some days... when you work to help people and they don't acknowledge you or your help... or to say that they need more... when it feels like you're giving all you've got to give to help them... it just makes you start to feel useless...

It's hard to feel wanted when you're only spoken to when people 'have nothing better to do' or are bored.

I try not to give way to things like this... to those feelings of invisible, unnoticed, unwanted, put aside and try instead to be important to myself and to my family.

People don't realize half the time how much we hurt each others feelings and are unaware of how their behaviours affect others around them because generally they're too self involved.

I don't blame it on them...I don't even blame it on the way they were raised or even society which a lot of people would... I blame myself.

I believe it's because I have high expectations. Now, is that because of myself? or is it because of the way I was raised?

I know my mum and dad did their best with me, at least I like to think that they did and didn't half-ass it when it came to raising my sister and I.

One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to be forgotten, or left behind. Or that people I love just don't care enough to remember something that I deem important.

I've nailed the incident in my past that this fear stems from and have worked on it quite a bit so that I can get past it. However, there are times that it sneaks up and makes me remember it.

Such as, if I'm sitting right in front of you, whether it be on your computer screen talking to you via and instant messenger or talking to you on the telephone. Don't keep me waiting, don't fall asleep, don't make me think that you don't deem what I have to say as important as what you have to say.

It's not that I want to be the centre of attention, it's just that I would like to be acknowledged.
There is a difference.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive... or overly sensitive

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Ways to Give Yourself A Heart Attack...

Step 1. Don't allow any of your furry loved ones into your bedroom.

Step 2. Assume that you are alone in your bedroom when you go to bed because of step 1.

Step 3. Drift off to sleep at about 4 o'clock in the morning.

Step 4. Feel something jump up onto the bed and touch your feet.

Step 5. Jump straight up and flick on the light only to not see anything at all, nor hear anything moving.

Step 6. Feel heart rate starting to rise.

Step 7. Look to see that bedroom door is still closed.

Step 8. Convince yourself it was nothing.

Step 9. Turn light off and start to go back to sleep feeling a little uneasy.

Step 10. When just asleep again, hear something rustle in the corner under your dresser.

Step 11. Turn light on and decide to just sleep that way. Feeling really uneasy, heart rate soaring due to being startled out of sleep again.

Step 12. Doze off with light on.

Step 13. Hear rustling noise, followed by something jumping on your bed.

Step 14. With eyes flying wide open, come face to face with the cat that you could have sworn was on the other side of the closed door when you had gone to bed. Squeal softly in surprise, chastise cat, then finally have heart attack.

Still sitting here trying to figure out how the fuck the cat got in through the closed door and trying to calm heart rate down so that I can get more then a broken hours worth of sleep.

I love you Onyx but no... I do not want to look at your balls... and I would like to keep the rest of what's left of my nine lives.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Hmm @ 5a.m.

5 a.m. realization with Krammit...

There's nothing wrong with me.

What's wrong is those guys that I end up with who seem to always think that the grass is greener on the other fucking side...

As I've been sitting here talking to Krammit on the phone... yes at 5 in the morning... I realize the story of my life is I get together with guys... we end up separating for whatever reason and because I end up forgiving them for what ever reason that I might end up talking to them again... and somewhere along the way they end up telling me about how they wish they had never broken up with me in the first place and how they were dumb...

So really... there's nothing wrong with me but somehow the men that I've been with have been successful in making me feel like there's something wrong with me.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

I Have Some of The Weirdest Conversations

An example of American/Canadian relations...

Narkash says, "Yay! What's tomorrow so there's no school?"
Dwyvach say, "long weekend this weekend ... it's Thanksgiving weekend here"
Narkash says, "Oh, that's right, weird."
Dwyvach say, "weird?"
Narkash says, "Well, your Thanksgiving is wrong, of course. ;)"
Dwyvach o.O
Narkash says, "Not at the end of November, I mean."
Dwyvach was just told that it's actually in the constitution itself and not an admendment that all Americans must be big fat jerks.
Narkash says, "Our founding fathers were very wise."
Dwyvach say, "and very fat"
Narkash says, "Well, not as fat as we are now, but yes."
Dwyvach say, "see your nation was doomed from the start... it was started by fat guys... all you guys have had was to try to be better and therefore fatter then them"
Dwyvach waits with a cute grin on her face.
Narkash says, "George Washington and Jesus Christ both want us to be obnoxious fat pigs."
Dwyvach say, "wait... how does Jesus want you to be an obnoxious fat pig?"
Narkash says, "Well, our founding fathers wanted America to be a Christian nation. The Constitution is based on the Bible, you know. It's kind of like Bible fanfic."
Dwyvach starts choking while laughing... coughinng madly.
Narkash grins.
Dwyvach say, "So George Washington and his cronies were all Team Jesus, eh?"
Narkash says, "Oh totally, of course."
Dwyvach say, "So when did Team Moses get there then?"
Narkash says, "In the late 19th century. They all went to New York City and Hollywood."
Dwyvach laughs

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

"People fake a lot of human interactions, but I feel like I fake them all, and I fake them very well, that's my burden, I guess." ~ Dexter

I got very excited when I saw that Dexter was back on television with it's new season... there's not too many tv shows that I would say that I connect with... I watch tv and connect with a show in generally a purely 'this is on so I'll watch it because I find it less annoying then other shows that might be on television at the time' sort of way...

truthfully I've never actually watched Dexter on the television or with anyone else... whenever I've watched it...I've been in my bedroom with my laptop...

For anyone who hasn't seen the show or know what it's about... Dexter Morgan is a blood spatter and stain analyst for the Miami Homicide division of the police... he has a couple of kids had a lovely wife named Rita, has a sister who is a police detective and is the run of the mill nice guy... except for one thing... he's a serial killer.

Now to say that you can connect with a serial killer is putting yourself out there to say that you could also be a serial killer... no not exactly and I know that some people aren't going to understand even after I try to explain how it is that I connect to the character in the show... that's ok... they won't get it because they're not that sort of person... and that's ok

It's not the serial killer part of him that I connect with... it's the person who is trying to learn what it's like to be normal or at least appear to be normal that I connect with...

we all have our inner self who we might not like or we might not think is normal... it's that underlying fear that someone is going to find out what we truly are or how we truly think and that it's going to come out...

there was a line from Criminal Minds where they're talking to a killer and he says 'I see a guy walking down the street and envision what it would be like busting his head in, that's normal to me, that you don't is strange'

I just can't even begin to think of putting it better then that... it's only been in the past few years that I've found out in small conversations that there is someone else in my blood family that has the same sort of morbid thoughts that I do.

I think one of the reasons I like connecting with new people and finding out more about them, besides my morbid curiosity about the way people think, is because I get to try out my normalcy on others... and then slowly peel away the normalcy to see just how much of my true self I can reveal to them before they'll get too weirded out to talk to me anymore. I like to push to see how much of themselves they'll reveal before they get to that uncomfortable spot where they don't want to share... then that's when I really want them too... they feel uncomfortable about talking about it and yet seem so comfortable with me that they will talk about it... there hasn't yet been anyone who reveals something to me where I haven't seen it coming or it was nothing compared to what I have tucked away...

There's only one person that's pushed me past my own comfort point and made me share part of my inner self with... they backed away... they're still around and I still talk to them but no where near like we talked before. Neither of us are pushing or pulling anymore and I figure it will just be a matter of time before he pulls away completely.

I wonder if a show like Dexter is so popular because of how it makes people think about their own psyche or if it's popular because of the fact that there are so many people out there that just want to see blood and violence... or both.

I think that it makes us realize that no matter how much we might reach out for others and want to maybe have them near us... we're always alone in our own minds and deep down inside that frightens us all.