I Think It's Time...

For two months I suppressed it. I continued to believe what was said, even when there was a hot boulder sitting in my gut.

I trusted too much and gave too much - in the end I got lies, half truths, my dignity stripped away and worst of all...

He raped me.

I've noticed that I make it sound like much less by saying that he 'sexually assaulted' me - but when you boil it down it was rape.

I was asked if I would do a certain sexual thing - I said no. I did consent to something else. We were in the midst of doing the thing I consented to, then without asking he started doing the thing I did not consent to, nor had I changed my mind and suddenly consented to it.

Apparently my saying no and to stop, finally made it's way through his foggy, alcohol soaked mind because he did stop. No apology or check in to see if I was alright. Went back to what I did originally consent to finished up and went to sleep.

I was left wondering if I had somehow made it seem like I did change my mind, did I perhaps make it seem like I wanted him to do that. In his drunken state did it seem like I had said yes...?

I went to sleep thinking that perhaps it was my fault that it had happened.
Woke up the next day and he didn't seem to acknowledge what had happened and I didn't bring it up, I was still trying to figure out what exactly had happened and did I in some way make that happen.

We went out together that next day and as time went on I buried it down and didn't acknowledge it. We went to friends house for a party and were having fun, there was drinking and merriment. Then suddenly I woke with a start at like 7 in the morning, he was laying there next to me, and suddenly I had an enormous panic attack. All I knew was that every fibre of my being was screaming at me to get out of that house and to get away.

I drove home. About halfway home I realized that I likely shouldn't have been driving because I still had too much alcohol in my system. Also that I had been his ride home and essentially left him behind.

I suppressed it all. Pushing the feelings down, and the emotions.

You see... I love him - yes still present tense. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that I could talk to him. I miss all the fun we had together, the places we went together, the things we did.
When those thoughts come up I just think about all the lies that he told me, all the ways that he used me, how he made a fool out of me, and then finally how he raped me that night in my own bed and then acted like nothing happened.

I'm thankful for the help that I sought out, and the positivity in my life now; because I'm still waking up smiling in my heart again.
I needed to get this off my chest. Up until now I had only confided in a few close friends as I still felt so very vulnerable with my healing. Now I'm feeling stronger, and ready to just clear the air around me so that I can go on with my life.

I know I'll never get an apology for all the hurt that he caused me, I have to move on without him ever admitting all the things he did.
It's been good now. I've moved so I no longer am sleeping in the room where he stole my control and sexually abused me.

I don't want to see him, I don't want him in my life anymore; he raped me.

He. Raped. Me.

I Still Love My Babys Poundcake

Sometimes the hardest thing you can ever do is give up...

I've always prided myself on the fact that I don't give up when doing something, or when I want something. I find a way to make it happen if I can.

As a recovering addict, and someone who has an addictive personality sometimes giving up is exactly what I have to do.

I've worked really hard on myself, to make myself better and look at myself in a better light.
I use to drink, do drugs, and have sex essentially wherever I could get it. I had to dig deep and learn some very ugly truths about myself - I was ashamed. I was selfish. I was uncompassionate. I was insecure. I was stupid. I was guilty. I was reckless.

Learning the ugly truths about yourself is how you can learn, grow and change to become a better person.

Counselling, 12 step program, Depression, Anxiety, Therapy...

I didn't want to hurt people anymore. I didn't want to sleep with others husbands...or wives... I didn't want to contribute to their immoral acts against their loved ones. I didn't want to continue to look for love in sex. I didn't want to just be a bed warmer for a few hours, day after day. I didn't want to be a part of disgusting behaviours.
I didn't want to wake up in the mornings anymore not knowing what happened the night before, not remembering who I may have been with and how I may have been with them.

Getting high...Getting drunk...Getting fucked...all pretty euphoric...all pretty addictive.

Soon that's how I would deal with stress...how I dealt with anything really...

Today I had to give up on someone...that's hard. I'm notorious for giving at least eleventy billion chances to people...

Hell I gave Sugarbear 4 years of my life - hoping that he would someday see that I'm a beautiful soul and a great person...that I make an exceptional partner in crime...that we could take on the world together and we would be unstoppable rockstars...
Oh yeah...and it nearly killed me... I nearly killed myself. I nearly lost myself in the depths of the darkest depression.

****

April-ish it would have been one year of me sitting on stand-by, being a pseudo girlfriend, partner in crime...well you get the drift... I told Poundcake this morning that I couldn't do that anymore.
I can't hold onto hope for something that isn't going to happen. I feel like after this long it's become blazingly clear that I'm not the one he wants. If I was, I feel like it would have happened.
So instead of making a fool of myself any longer while he stepped out with another, and drinks his life away...I said goodbye to that portion of our life. It makes my heart sore...we could have been the rockstars...we could have been the ones to take on the world together... we've always had so much fun together... we have so many inside jokes...funny moments that make us giggle... he could have had the love and devotion of someone... I could have had my Poundcake and eat it too...lol

In less time Poundcake... had me - fully and completely.
I told him things I never told anyone - I shared stories with him
We would talk for hours at a time about anything and everything...

Then things started to change...
He looked at his phone more often when I was trying to tell him something.
He stopped asking me about my day or how I'm feeling...
He stopped trying to make me smile as much...
He would say 'Pardon...' more often when I would watch his attention divert...
He became secretive...stopped sharing things with me..
He started drinking even more...would care more about the percentage of the alcohol in the drink than, what I was saying to him...
His quips became less banterish and more cruel...
It became funny to put me down in front of other people...
He stopped showing any signs of PDA... and would give me quick secretive kisses before getting out of the car...
He started caring more about the LCBO, the craft breweries, wineries...we hardly went to fleamarkets or out for walks anymore...
He use to wish me a good morning every morning with a lil emoji kiss...
He use to wish me a good night with a little emoji kiss...
The emoji kisses ...became few and far between...then stopped.

Even when all the changes started...they were all small...so I didn't really notice them...then I woke up one day and went...wait... why am I always texting first now...?

Then I realized it had been like that for a bit, and slowly the light was getting brighter and brighter on all the changes that had been happening...

And there was a dawning - if I'm no longer getting his attention and affections...someone else is..

I had a dream the one night that shook me to the core and I wasn't sure exactly why it shook me - the answer came last night when I saw the two of them together...

The silver fox and the tick disguised as the ladybug.

That's when I knew - I had to be done - because if I wasn't, I would go down the Sugarbear path all over again...

I was in such a white rage last night that I woke up so very calm this morning - that scary, quiet, very still calm - that's when I knew I was done.

I'm convinced now that I will never find someone that I love that will ever love me as much as I love them... Big Daddy... Sugarbear... Poundcake...

I'm done. My heart is broken. I will never find that someone that I love with my all and have them love me. Third strike... I'm out.

How can anyone hurt someone to this point?
How can they know that they have broken another persons heart and spirit?
How can they do that?

Not again.

Let's talk about 'Sex'...

Sex for so many is a means to an end... They want to get off... So that's the only thought behind it...

And of course there's so many different types of sex (the act of) nowadays.

I've come to realize that for myself... I want everything in my life to have meaning, to make me feel a joy in my soul as well as in my being.

When I come together with someone... I want to be fully immersed in that moment together, with them.

I want to run my hands and fingers over their skin, and see in their eyes that feels good... I want them to do the same, to watch as my breathing changes, my body trembles a bit as I fall deeply into that moment of pleasure.

I want to take my time with them, savouring every touch, every groan or whimper as the pleasure builds between us.
I want to be able to see, hear, smell and touch, everything in those moments...just see where it all goes without thought of do they like this...do they want to do this...
Just total immersion...and riding the waves with them as the journey moves on.

I want to lock eyes with them and just know that there's no where else we'd rather be then right there rising up together and just holding on as we get near the end.

Afterwards, I want to be able to lay there, slowly stroking their arm or leg or chest, as we lay entwined together coming down and recovering from the pleasurable experience that was just had, to be able to slowly disconnect and slip out of the immersion of it all, together.

I'm not discrediting a good quickie behind the shed, or something, because ya need some excitement sometimes... I'm talking with a loving partner in the bedroom, great sex.

Because really... If I just wanted to bust a nut... I can do that myself with an orgasm better than any I've gotten from others. That's not a slight to any partners I've had... I just know my body better.

I'm Still Here - Birthday

In 11 days I will be celebrating my 40th birthday...

My birthday is really important to me, more so now then when I was a kid.
I truly believe that I've been living on borrowed time...there's 3 times in my life that I've either flat-lined or been close to dying or the doctors didn't know how I was still alive let alone conscious.

So to me each year is a gift - it's probably why I love so intensely, so fully and why I just take the moments to experience everything I can... from taking a moment to appreciate the cloudiness of the day before walking into the house...to standing in the rain and smiling...literally stopping to smell the flowers when I can...listening to the silence of the night...watching a bug crawl by...feeling - everything.

Overall I am happy with my life, and happy to have it - I'm glad I it wasn't taken from me when I had tried to end it before.

Lately my happiness hasn't been shown outwardly enough for some - I'm really not all bouncy, giggly, and all laughs when I'm happy. I'm much more introspective now. Obviously I laugh or smile at jokes, I just don't feel the need to be goofy to show happiness. Maybe that's me just getting old...lol

I know there's a lot of people out there who just don't care about their birthdays, my father is one of them, and I get that. It's not about presents to me it's about presence. I want to spend my day with people who truly care that I'm alive, that appreciate my presence in their lives, that care that I am still walking this big ball of dirt - with people I love very much.

It's been a struggle, a fight, at times a massive war to get to 40...there's been trauma, abuse of all kinds, medical issues, heart breaks, anxiety, depression, deaths... so you're damn right I'm going to celebrate still being here...I just wish those I love would be too.

Appreciation and Expectations

I don't have a hidden agenda or malicious motivations, or even unreasonable expectations when I help my friends out or offer to do stuff for them.

I try to be a good person and a good friend to those I care about.
By helping them out any way that I can that isn't monetary, because face it, I'm broke.

It's very common for me to want to try to fix a situation that might be causing them issues, frustrations or annoyances. Mainly because I want to see the people I care about be happy.

Maybe that's lofty of me to think that I could solve other peoples problems but, in reality I try to only offer help or advice in areas that I think I could help out in.

I don't generally expect anything in return, possibly the ability to call on them in my time of need without thinking that I'm bothering or pestering them, which I generally don't do unless it's an absolute must because I'll feel like a burden to them if I ask for assistance. When I do ask for help in some way though I do try to make it up  to them. Buy them lunch, make them a nice dinner, offer up a massage and of course I always let them know that I'm thankful for their help.

I don't really understand people who do things for others just to see what they can get out of them. The people that do the 'Well I helped you with this...so you should do this... for me.'
Or they lord it over you with the 'Well you remember that time that I did this for you.'

That's being a dick...not being a friend.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine with whom I really haven't spoken to in about 9 years. We have said hi how are ya but that's about it over the last few years but never anything too major. I let them know that I was concerned and a bit worried about them because they've been having nightmares quite frequently. They were surprised that I would care at all about what was going on with them or that I would put any thought into trying to help them figure out why they were having them.

I explained that just because we stopped talking and haven't really said much to each other in the last decade doesn't mean I just suddenly one day stopped caring about them.

For the people I care about I wish to be a bright spot in their day...or week...or lifetime. I wish for those I help out, care about and hang out with to smile when they hear my name and say 'she really helped me out when...' or 'she made me feel better when...' Something that makes them have a good thought.
With so much negativity in the world...when there's so many people out there who would rather see us all fail because they're miserable in their own lives... I just want to bring some joy and happiness maybe even some colour to peoples lives...

I read a picture on FB the other day that said 'Don't expect others to do for you what you do for them, their heart isn't like yours.' and also 'Expectations are the downfall of every relationship.'

They both rang very true to me... especially when you read the relationship to mean any relationship you have with any human being... I have a relationship with  my kids, my parents, my friends at different levels, and even the relationship I have with myself... it all boils down to the root of the word relationship...relate...how do you relate to others around you and how are they related or relating to you... All my relations... anyway... it doesn't always mean a couple who are committed to each other in a loving bonded sort of way... This is why it's best to know the English language when trying to communicate with others in discussions...but that's another blog for another time...

I realize that I get disappointed in people when I hold them to the expectations that I hold myself at. I expect myself to be thankful and to tell my friends that I love them and that they are important to me and show that by being helpful, remembering small things like their favourite colours or when their birthdays are... I expect myself to show up in support of someone elses loss of a dear family member even if I've not talked to them in 5 years... I expect myself to give pieces of myself away to others even when they have no idea I've done it... I expect myself to respond to a text from someone, even if it's just an acknowledgement to that person that I received their text...

I also realized that some days I need to lower the expectation bar on myself so that I stop wearing myself a bit thin.

I've made myself a very small group of friends...which is bad in a way when three of them live on the West coast of the United States...but hey we do what we can... the other four that I have here...well...they're all dealing with their own shit...and as much as I try to help them out... I know they need to deal with their own stuff on their own at times...and I also know that even though they are in my very small circle of friends of near and dear and I love them... I'm not in theirs.

And sometimes people set an expectation bar pretty high themselves...like when they treat me a certain way I expect that's how they will always treat me... like driving 2 hrs home to spend 4 hours with me before having to go to bed to sleep and then get up for work again the next morning, driving the 2 hours back again... or finding out that I have an achy body after practice so pouring me a glass of wine and drawing me a beautiful bubble bath before giving me a massage... which after time apparently becomes 'oh that sucks...' while they lay on a couch watching a sitcom...

When you lead with one and turn into the second...it brings about disappointment... I'm not saying I always want or need wine, bubbles and a rub... that's exhausting and would become routine...but a little more compassion...

But anyway I digress...

People tend to set their own expectation bars with how they treat you or at least that's what they do with me... Oh you treated me like this...well I guess this is what I can expect from you from now on...
Not saying that right off the bat you should set it low...but you should never set it so high that you can't keep it up...

I got so far down this topic of expectation I totally lost where my original thought was going...lol

I want to bring happiness to peoples lives by helping them how I can. I don't expect a parade in my honour...but a heartfelt and sincere thank you is appreciated...and goes a long fucking way.

The Longest Night

I understand that with my particular and peculiar skill set that I'm seen as weird or crazy, I've come to accept that.

I'm highly intuitive, empathic and highly sensitive to the things that people can't see or understand.

This all gets kicked up a notch from October to December.
That's when The Dark Time is...the longest night...so to speak.
The veil between the world and that of the after life thins, messages come from our ancestors and loved ones beyond. This is also the time when those close to their own end will step through the veil.
Also when those of us sensitive to it ride the line between the two and get the messages intended for others.

So often when this time is upon us I withdraw a bit because of the noise around me. This year it seems messages are coming in a bit early...and man is the sender trying their hardest to a message across.

I just don't know what to do when the person who is supposed to be getting it is ignoring the messages.

Some spooky shit has been happening already and it's just coming onto October now, not looking forward to the next month or so.

I don't like when the messages are for me and I can't do anything about them. Going to need to start blocking that shit out.

Saved My Life...Twice.

I started this post a few weeks ago...probably a couple months ago now since it's nearly October...and I didn't have it in me to share it with anyone... I'm not sure why I am now... but I need to put it out there.


For awhile a lit bit ago... I was very seriously depressed and locked within my own head... it was very hard for me to deal with it.

I went to work...went to derby...went to the gym...went to bed... that is how my schedule has been for the last few weeks.

I have a job that takes very little brain power...so for an extreme over thinker such as myself it left my brain free to think about everything and over think everything as well.

I try very very hard to hide my depression when I'm in the midst of a spell of it like that.
I don't want for my friends and especially my family to see how dark my thoughts can be.
The idea of them knowing scares me a bit...what if they reject me because of those thoughts...or even worse try to have me committed because of them.

I joke around with some of my friends by saying stuff like 'I need adult supervision...' when doing something as easy as putting on sunblock.

A couple of weeks back I went to the beach twice with Sugarbear (...I really do need a new nickname for him...and soon...) in the span of a week. The first time a blanket was brought and some refreshments and we stayed for awhile...
I swam out and just kept swimming until I looked back at one point and everyone seemed small on the beach...Sugarbear was laying on the blanket. I turned and swam out further and was accompanied with the thought of...if I drown out here there would be no mess to clean up...if I just keep swimming eventually I wouldn't be able to continue...
I turned back and saw SB on the blanket and he was laying with his face turned toward the water...and even if he wasn't looking at me at the time it looked like he was...and I felt a bit guilty, I swam back in...and shortly after that we left.
Ended up having a nice dinner and a nice evening together...but in the back of my mind I knew...I knew that I had wanted to keep swimming and not come back earlier.

The second time I had sent SB a text earlier in the day suggesting we go take a dip in the lake after work. When he didn't answer me by the time after work rolled around I showed up at his place to ask him.

We went...not sure he really wanted to...but I'm glad he came...even though he didn't stay in long...and made it seem like he wanted to leave... I got to have a nice swim...but the urge to swim out in the rough water that day was really strong again...

I had thought several times and contemplated on a couple of occasions about harming myself or committing suicide.

I didn't say anything to anyone. Still technically only told two people.
When I have some people in my life whose response to stories of people taking there own lives is a good riddance type of feeling, it's  hard to work up the nerve to say anything.

The thoughts have gone again and I'm feeling much better again.

However I am quite certain that Sugarbear saved my life twice...

Happy? Birthday...

So I had a birthday on Tuesday... I'm 37 now.

I had the worst birthday.

Not because everything went wrong...it was just that nothing felt right.

It started the night before where everything just sort of felt weird with SB and I. To the point where I just ended up leaving and going home after he fell asleep.

I woke up and saw that SB wished me a public happy birthday  (which surprised me a bit) and went to the gym like usual with Pinky. Where I got an 'Oh it's today? Well happy birthday.' Between reps on the delts machine.

I told The Man that I wanted to go out for breakfast...had to buy my own of course...and then I went to the bank where on the way he yelled at me because he had a commitment and 'needed' to get to his volunteer thing.

Dropped him off.

And proceeded to spend the rest of my day alone. Where not one but two of my close inner circle of friends totally forgot it was my birthday.

Facebook is great but I have it set up to not show my birthday on purpose. People are sheep. The only reason half the people wished me a happy birthday was because they saw others doing on FB.

I watched the newest Doctor Who to get away from the fakeness that is facebook.

I had sent SB a message at 7:30ish in the morning letting him know that in 12 hours I wanted to kidnap him and do something but that I would have him back by bedtime.

So just before 4 I pick up The Man and head to a doctor's appointment with Dr Awesome. I sat in his waiting room listening to his extremely negative receptionist for an hour...my appointment was at four. I told her to reschedule me because I had other places to be.

Left and went and bought some groceries...whoo can't stop the fun now.

Went to the arena to the Freshmeat practice as I have signed up to be a Guest Trainer and I still needed to collect some more paperwork and registration fees.

I ended up leaving later than I wanted to...raced to the house dropped The Man off out front and raced over to SBs house.

Where I got a really cold reception. Add to that the silent treatment when I asked at 8 if I could still kidnap him for about an hour.

I can't eat cake...regular cake...gluten free...sugar free...ice cream...I can't  (am not suppose to) eat cake. So I don't get a candle on a cake to blow out to make a wish.
So this year I wanted to light a lantern at the  beach and make a wish as it flew off.
Maybe cheesy but that's what I wanted.

I also couldn't bear the thought of doing that all alone when I was already feeling alone. So with tears in my eyes I went back into the house and asked SB to please come with me.

He did. Begrudgingly, but he did. The beach was beautiful  (smelly...but beautiful)...
Didn't stay long, had promised to get him back for bed...

Had to stop to get something to eat...hadn't eaten since breakfast.
So my birthday dinner at 8:30ish at night was a Tuscan Chicken Panini from Tim Hortons...woohoo fine dining at it's best.

Scarfed it down...and then went and got into bed with SB.

I knew he was tired...I figured he didn't nap like I had suggested in my morning text...didn't look like he ate...but still...no excuse for what happened next...

I asked for a cuddle before sleep... (now...a cuddle is a cuddle... if I wanted sex I would have out and out said fuck me it's my fucking birthday... but I asked for a cuddle...) Not only did I not get even the slightest of fucking hugs...I got out and out berated because he needs 8 hours of sleep to function and has to go to work and doesn't get to just laze around...

This would be where I rolled over and just quietly cried myself to sleep and wished my birthday had never happened feeling isolated and so very alone, not mention uncared for and unwanted.

I understand that to some people their birthday is just another day of the year... I get that. I like to think of mine as a special day just for me...to do what I want with whom I wish. It's  a day just for me. Where I get doted on a bit because I've survived another year of my constant struggle with my own issues and decided to keep myself around for another year. A day where my friends and family wish me more than just a 'great day'.

I spend every other day of the year doing things for others and hoping that in some way I have been a good thing in their lives and brought them some happiness. I don't think it's selfish of me to want one day where people do nice things for me.

I don't even care about getting presents or anything... I dunno.
Maybe my expectations of others are too high.

I just thought those in my life that I love and love me would have done more than just pay lip service to me on my birthday. Or at least would have remembered it was my birthday.

I Hate Feeling So Weak.

I do not like to be seen as weak ...ever.

I struggle with accepting that my 'issues' are actually 'mental illness'. Depression and Anxiety...to be even more specific.

I don't just come right out and tell people that I have these issues. I have enough outward health issues that I don't want to scare people away.

I have a fucked up tendon in my thumb that goes into my wrist (that's the latest issue), respiratory issues with my lungs (obvi), of course my ongoing heart condition, my ankle which will start to bother me when I stand too long...

I try very hard to not complain about my aches pains bumps or bruises...and I definitely do not complain to people about my mental illness when it's flaring up and getting the better of me.

When the sneak up and become larger then my life seems to be I try very hard to get away from the hub bub of every day and recharge...generally somewhere quiet and when it gets really bad somewhere in nature.

Burton and I going to Red Spiral was a very good recharge for me when we would go to Egansville to Raven's Knoll.

The last couple of years though I've not had a chance to get away to do a recharge...it's really creeping up on me. I've had SBs place to get some quiet when I need...he and I have been to the beach a few times and being in the water helps...but it's not quite the same.

When my brain gets too loud...and life is too loud it makes me want to shut down. It makes me irritable, and angry at the littlest of things. Last week while the boys were gone things got much worse, having to deal with a bunch of derby stuff for the intake, the house with all the animals - and the messes that I was coming home to, the chaos that is working on the farm and a lack of sleep.

I have a support system that don't even know how much I depend on them to make sure I don't do stupid things. SB had saved me 3 times last month and he doesn't even realize it.

I broke down and told #DD about what had been going through my head...and I feel as though I shouldn't have done that. I had just gotten really close to the end of my rope and he's been there for me in the past.
I just know that he has so many other things and other stressors that he has to deal with.

I just need to get away and go sit in a bush for a couple of days...and for the first time I don't mean the slang term for a womans vagina.

I have so many other things to write about and post but I just don't have the time at the moment... I need to go to bed again so that I can go to work in a few hours.

Snippets of Moments

In those moments...short in comparison of all the moments spent apart...in those short moments I can see it in your eyes...when looking at me...in the way your fingers make their  way across my skin...your hands glide across the span of my body...as our bodies get more entwined...pressing closer together...

As you then look down at me...it's the only time you seem to really look at me...
In those  moments we're together by ourselves in the quiet of the room...the only noises are those we make...the results from our explorations of each other...

It's these snippets of time that I see something I so wish I could see  all the time...

A glimpse past the and over the wall...the barricade that is up all the time... I peek at the softness...the creamy nougat if you will...

I get to feel your energy change and the intensity of which it flows from you...
The part of you that I would bet that only one perhaps two others have ever seen...

It's that part that mirrors what I feel all the time. It mirrors and reflects...

In those moments we are so in sync those moments are when forever lasts but one second.

You broke me.

You broke me and changed the way I see things. You changed the way I wanted things.

I can't tell you.
If I did you'd run again.

I don't runaway, I try to save myself from saying things that you don't want to hear.
I save myself from hearing you say cruel things...I save myself from feeling unwelcome and uncertainties.

We don't know what you want.

When things are good they are so so very good.
When things were bad...they were horribly cruel and spiteful.

I don't feel wanted until those moments...those tiny moments where you hold me close and kiss me deeply.
And make me feel like you do love.

It's The Little Things

Sometimes I have the loveliest of admirers.

They try and it's sweet.

Sorry to Suck, Swallow and Run...But...

Doing something today that I haven't done in a long time, taking time out of my day to sit down and write up a proper blog post. It seems like since the beginning of the year I haven't really sat down and typed out the stuff that rolls around in my head. I know why part of that is and I may finally touch on that today. The long of it is...this is likely to be a pretty long blog  post that goes a bit everywhere.

Not even sure where to start...

Been taking a more proactive stance when it comes to derby. Trying to do what I can to keep the forward momentum with the league going. Offering suggestions and help when and where I can to different people and committees. So far since the restructuring people seem very open to it. Let's hope it keeps going that way. I have had a couple of issues with  a couple of the refs who seem to be on a power trip of sorts but hopefully that's getting sorted out.
Our next round of games starts again in September...as does the next set of FM training. So that means more intake sessions. Hopefully switching up the format for that...wish me luck.

A couple of weeks ago I told the Man that I missed seeing #DD every day...then #DD called me and asked me about coming back to the farm for cherry sorting.
I love #DD, one of my best guy friends like ever...oddly enough since I don't tend to get too close with dudes until I've slept with them.
I love seeing him every day he's one of those people with the energy that just makes me want to hug them every time I'm near them. Odd reaction but there's a few people like that in my life.
Anyway... I love seeing him every day even though it's not for hangouts...but I dislike the job. I mean I hate anything that is 'work', that's why if I've said it once I've said it a million times, I wasn't built for working...I was built for being a housewife and a porn star.
There are several times a day after noon that I picture myself just walking out and going home...or just killing myself.
There's a couple things that I'm holding onto that stop me from walking out or offing myself... I love #DD and either of those would likely hurt him...I want a new tattoo... and I want to go on a vacation...
If I don't have goals...amirite?

Burton came home for two weeks... it was too short.
I understand that she enjoys being out in Cali and that she now calls that home but she doesn't understand that the reason why she's always so busy when she's back here in Canada is because everyone loves her and they want to soak up as much of her as they possibly can. We all miss her so very much while she's gone and our smiles are all just a tiny bit dimmer for her being gone.
It may bother her a bit when we (her friends and family) talk about wanting her to come back and stay here. There's hardly any jobs here, the weather fucking sucks and is either too hot or too cold, and she feels like a failure at times because of her marriage failing... and yeah all of that stuff sucks. However... she makes everyones life a little brighter, a little bit happier and just that little bit better.
It's why she has so many friends where ever she is... and her Cali friends may have missed her SOOOOOO much while she was gone...but they get her so much more than we do.
I did get to spend quite a bit of time with her and for that I'm grateful. I love Burton. She is my wifey after all.

 Pinky and I have been going to the gym together for a couple of months now (we've even made up names for the regulars, but then we had to switch our schedule and there's not as many regulars we're finding in the evenings as there was in the mornings so we're having to come up with new names for people)...I'm not exactly content with any of my results. I've been going up and down with the same five pounds and it's frustrating the fuck out of me. Trying to clock in harder now though. Last night someone lit a fire under my ass. Out of no where I was on the treadmill doing what was suppose to be our cool down after our leg day work out (which I levelled up at all the machines), I started running. I ran for a minute straight at 4mph, then after a couple of minutes of walking at 2mph again I started to run this time at 4.5 mph, then back down to 2 mph...after a couple more minutes was running at 5 mph...and then for the very last minute before the 5 minute cool down I was running at 5.5 mph.

Anyone who knows me knows that I do not run....like ever. Mainly because I don't breathe properly, I dislike the feel of my fat jiggling while I run and I'm always concerned about my boobs and how much they bounce even in a sports bra.
But fuck it... I work out so that I can feel better...and one day I will look great naked...too myself. I put that clarifier in there because I've had people tell me that I look good naked... I just give them the stop trying to placate me look.
In the vein of working out...I wiggled my way into Burton and her big brothers weight loss challenge...have from a week ago to December to lose as much weight as I can.
My ideal goal is to be a very fit 170 to 175 pounds in the end.

I decided to 'Adult-up' (rather than man up) and used some funds that came in on fixing up my car rather than just blowing it on other shit.  I mean I did take the Boychild out for a breakfast just the two of us and splurged and bought a bunch of crap for our Borderlands 2 day and I bought dinner for Sugarbear and I. Other than that though...it mostly stayed in my account so that I could get the car fixed.
And today my car got her bum fixed. She no longer clunkclunks over bumps and potholes... her upper strut/shock mounts needed to be replaced. She sounds good now. There's a couple of other things that the lovely mechanic has said she needs but for now she is good, this makes me a happy camper. The brakes didn't need to be done like we had thought and it wasn't that the shocks and struts needed to be done...just the mounts. So we saved a bunch of money on all of that. The mount replacement even came in under the quoted price.

Ok so since I finally mentioned him in the last paragraph...here goes some rewinding in regards to Sugarbear (SB).
In March he lost both matriarchal and patriarchal figures of his family. However things had been over with us before that... we had gotten to this boyfriend/girlfriend point of our relationship and it seemed unwanted after the new year. Couple of fights in February where he told me straight out that I was nothing but a 'fling and a fuck' and that there was no fucking way that I would ever be meeting his children and that he would never ever love me.
Thinking (and maybe hoping) that it was because of the stress he was under with his parents both being ill and not seeming to find any resolution to his mothers illness.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt but pretty much was like ok no more exclusivity since I am not wanted in the capacity I was being put into.
We continued to stay in touch while he drove back and forth to St Catharines, Sudbury, and Angus. I would tell him that I love him, accidentally one day on the phone he said it back, he then got flustered and just hung up quickly after saying bye. I knew he meant nothing by it though, it was out of habit from all the family he had been talking on the phone, no doubt.
After the passing of his mum I tried to be there for him for whatever it was he needed. He even reached out the day his father passed and sent me a few messages asking me to call him, when I did that's when I found out about his dad.
(I was very confused as to why he didn't just send me a message to tell me about his passing like he had with his mum, but I wasn't about to question him about that especially not on the phone. I've since had a friend tell me that I may have become a touchstone for SB. Possible but he is such a hard man to figure out at times.)
When he had taken a week at home I had grown concerned about his well being (obviously!) especially when I found out that he hadn't been eating properly, was drunk in the middle of the day and not sleeping more then a few minutes to an hour at any given time.
And it was just before his birthday...
He didn't take to kindly to my trying to be helpful or supportive... at the end of the week he lashed out and yelled at me for doing the dishes, for buying him a birthday present, insinuated that I was untrustworthy and demanded his house key back.
I understand lashing out in anger (especially whilst grieving). What I think hurt the most from that encounter on the 28th of March was the insinuation that I was some how untrustworthy, a sneak or that I would some how damage his house.
I got it that he doesn't love me, I got that he doesn't want to 'be with me', I got that he needed time to himself to adjust to having to now take care of everything and everyone in his family, I even got that when hurting sometimes some people don't want anyone around them for awhile..what I didn't get was how he could accuse me of being untrustworthy, I never gave him any cause to think I would do anything untoward. I was hurt and confused and angry (oh so very angry) that someone that I trusted with all of me would think so little of me.

After that happened I had asked him if he could put out on his front porch the presents for the Boychild that I had been hiding at his place, he did...he also bagged up all the stuff I had in his bathroom (he use to let me take baths at his place to help my joints and back after derby and even when I was working last season because I don't have a tub that works properly). I'm not sure why that hurt so bad but it did, it seemed like he didn't want me in his life anymore. I was so very sad.

I didn't see him again until almost mid May... I let him know that I had missed him as my friend. I missed hanging out with him on the deck and listening to tunes. Yeah sure I missed the awesome sex as well but I really missed talking with him. His response was just a very quiet 'I just said I needed some time and space.' which I found interesting since he had been telling our friends that 'it's over' with the two of us. Which wasn't false, just he was a bit behind when I had been telling others that already. I wasn't confused about whether or not we were still 'together', I had been confused as to which level of friendship we would be at now (at that point).
The one year from our first date was like the celebration of a great year we had had together and the end of it.
The universe then said 'oh yeah you guys had a great time quietly hanging out together, having all kinds of awesome sex, fun times, and parties for the last year...well try this on for size now.'

I will always have love in my heart for Sugarbear, as I do with all my friends.However, he called me untrustworthy, creepy, unlovable, and nothing but a 'fling and a fuck'. Even in your darkest hour you don't shit on your loved ones like that.

It's in that moment that every you're amazing, awesome, beautiful, great, sexy and so forth is just wiped away in one foul swoop.
I once asked him while laying in bed together how he knew that I loved him, his answer was 'Because you put up with all of my shit.'
It's been quite a journey for our friendship this past 7 months. I'm very happy to report that we've been hanging out again, have had a few meals together. Gone to a few derby games together, he came to see my games this past season. It is still mainly one sided, as in I'm the one that does all the texting and inviting but...at least it's something. He is my favourite after all.

There's some people I will just keep trying with. As can be seen with Sugarbear and Bing.
There comes a time where with some I will just shrug and say I tried. I'm getting to that point with Baker. Seems I was a great person to talk to, hang out with and sometimes fuck, as long as he didn't have an online girlfriend. Suddenly he gets an online girlfriend and doesn't have time for friends like me anymore. I can't be cheeky with him anymore, or joke with him, or even go out on a movie date with him and his boychild because god forbid he might be away from his phone (or she'll be thinking that he's on a date!!).
Proved it again at sushi dinner with Burton when he spent more time on his phone, and I felt I couldn't talk to him because he had his dumb bluetooth earpiece in his ear all during the dinner.
I hope he and his online insecure girlfriend are very happy and have many virtual babies together. Yes. I am bitter.
I have very few people that I allow that close to me and feel like I've been duped when one of them just drops me like a hot stone.
Again...another time that every you're amazing, awesome, understanding, magical and one of my most trusted friends, is all just wiped away in one foul swoop.

Bing is getting married. I'm waiting for my invitation to come in the mail. I think when it comes I'll invite my sexy ass wife to go with me. Sounds like it could be lots of fun.

Amazing.... Awesome... Sexy... Incredible... Magical... Goddess-like... Unique... Fantastic... Fabulous... those are some of the words that men have used to describe me... Delicious... Divine... Tight... Drenched... Soaking... Warm... Out of this World... these some of the words (with the first set as well) that have been used by men to describe my pussy... welcome to the TMI and more graphic portion to the post...

I've had lip service from many a men...and that's not a euphemism... many have told me that I'm 'fucking amazing' when it comes to the bedroom sexxors and all the playing that goes with it...

So... why the fuck is it that I cannot get laid when I want and by whom it is I want?

Half the time I feel like I have to convince, persuade, or talk someone into having sex with me. My expectations too high...my views too narrow... my libido just so high?

For a year I was getting laid nearly 6 to 8 times per weekend..and oh my god that was the best ever...so much fun...and was so satisfying...
Now I'm getting laid on average about once a week. I'm really sexually frustrated half the time and most likely bugging the fuck out of my favourite boy with the requests for sex... the others have gone... mother issues... one lives with his mother and son (and a gf - but she's not in the house) and another just had to move his mother into his house...

Don't understand what the problem is... a woman who is apparently awesome and amazing in the sack wants to suck and fuck your cock on a regular basis with no relationship strings attached...how is this a bad thing?

*shrugs*
Maybe I'm too demanding.

Other than my extremely high libido I think I'm fairly low maintenance... I definitely don't spend $200 a week on fucking salon visits...lmao

and on that note...

I want some ice cream.

Sexual Attraction...Twice?

When I was younger I met a guy...that'll be his name for this post...Guy.

Guy and I met in grade 7 and we clicked. We would hang out at recess and lunch times. In grade 8  we just always wanted to be around each other.

I had no idea what this strange pull was, I would just always want to be around him. I had a boyfriend at the time and he didn't get along with Guy but he went to a different school. I would want to tell Guy about my day and would want to hug him when I saw him, we'd talk a long time on the phone.

Then I graduated and went to the high school that was closer to my house and I didn't get to see Guy as much because he was across town. Which in those days may as well been in another city altogether.

In grade 10, I had some issues. I ended up in a 12 step program. I showed up all nervous to this Alateen meeting and there he was. Guy saw me and his face lit up and he practically pounced on me, and I on him.

We hadn't really ever dated, never had sex...but we had made out a few times. It was more about the just wanting to be near him.

So I was way more willing to go to these meetings on a weekly basis, moreso because he was there. He was there for another reason, his was a family issue not his own.

We stood there hugging for what felt like forever, not saying a word. The person heading up the meetings told us that we could go in another room to catch up. So we did...

We walked into the other room, closed the door and looked at each other for a moment before we just hugged again and started kissing.

I hadn't felt so relaxed in a long time.

We lost touch again after a couple of years. Found each other again via the webs. Haven't had a chance to meet up in person before losing touch again.

He had been the only person  in my life that I could quickly forgive, sit comfortably in absolute silence with, felt a draw to be near him, wanted to be touching him when near him, could be silly with or completely serious with, cuddle for hours with...
Until recently I thought he was the only one I would feel that way with...

That changed. The situation is different this time though insofar as I think it's completely one sided.

I'm the one who feels this draw to this guy, that when we're together I want to be touching him, that I feel like I can just sit in silence with him or we could talk about anything...

It's a bit more adult too insofar as I really want to rip his clothes off every time I see him. I felt that way with Guy too, even though it never happened, but I just put it off to teenage hormones.
However with it happening with this other guy now too, it makes me wonder.

I don't know what to do about it.

Doubt he would enjoy me just ripping his clothes off each time I see him.

Because as much as guys say they want the chick from the porns...I think sexually aggressive women actually scare them.

Oh well.

Me and Fitness...boring.

Pinky asked me if I would be his gym buddy when he got a membership at a local gym. We started back last Wednesday. We weighed ourselves and I was not happy. I had gained back 32 lbs of the 70, I had lost. So I was disappointed in myself.

Today being Monday and the first day of the first full week, so I suggested we weigh ourselves. Since last Wednesday I apparently lost 2.5lbs. 

We've decided on our schedule and have it so it doesn't cause issues with my derby practices. He's been here at 6:30 am to pick me up.

Mondays will be leg days...where we focus on our lower halves but also do core and abs

Tuesdays will be arms and upper body...also including core and abs

Wednesdays will be all cardio...and core and abs

Thursdays will be arms and upper body again...and core and abs

Fridays will be leg days...including core and abs

We're starting each day with at least 15 mins on the treadmill and finishing up with 10 to 15 minutes on the treadmill.

So...I'm going to not only do the weigh ins but will likely go back to measuring as well just so I can get a good feel for how I'm progressing.

So when I started last Wednesday I weighed in at 203.7 lbs... *big huge sigh* on Monday I weighed in at 201.2 lbs.

We're going to weigh in once a week, likely on Mondays, but I'll only do measurements once a month.

I was pleasantly surprised when Pinky asked me to go to the gym with him. We haven't really hung out too much lately and I had been missing him so it's nice to get to see him everyday for a couple of hours.

So here I go again with measurements...starting over.

Ankles L 9.5 R 9

Calves L 16.25 R  16.5

Thighs L 26.25 R 27

Wrists L 6.5 R 6.5

Forearms L 10.5 R 10.75

Biceps L 14.25 R 14.5

Hips 47.5

Belly 44.25

Waist 37

Under Bust 36.5

Over Bust 44

Neck 14.5

Total weight 201.2

#DeckDays

Yesterday it was a beautiful day outside, 22 degrees (like 85F) and I put on the first summer dress of the season and went out and get some pho for dinner.

As I got ready to go to pick up some pho for my dinner, the breeze picked up just slightly and it felt really nice, and reminded me of summertime weekends on the deck. #deckdays

I was reminded and had quick flashes of memories from last year... SB and the day that The Man and PenalizeHer came over to help dig the holes needed for the deck posts...

Another day where I was sitting in a chair 'supervising' (lol) while SB and The Man were working on the deck... Another time where I was actually trying to help measure stuff... 

I remember being so nervous...He was so excited and happy to be 'finally building his deck' and I couldn't help but watch him and smile while he worked...whether he was by himself or someone was there helping... he looked so in his element and so skilled... doing everything so spot on and so quickly... I couldn't help but be so impressed by him... asking him questions...wanting to pick his brain to learn anything I could... then apologizing for asking so many questions... but having so many more I wanted to ask...

I didn't want to screw up when he did ask for a hand with something... I think mostly because I didn't want to seem useless... or have him upset with me

Oh his face though when he was done just the most basic part of the deck... the grin and the sense of happiness and accomplishment radiated...

I couldn't believe how quickly it all happened...

Then there was talks of a pergola and showing me a rough plan for benches that he thought of while at work and how he was going to make those...and he seemed excited to show them to me to help me visualize his idea...

The pergola was done in a weekend and it looked great...providing a sense of privacy  but also housing the BBQ...

Which we had been using a lot...that man knows his way around a grill... lol

Cold beers and ciders were had and good food was eaten...and we didn't much care what was happening in the rest of the world...

Those were some good deck building weekends...

 Thought I'd share a happy memory... before mentioning...yet another death in my family. My dads cousin just passed...another cancer victim in the family. :(

10.

Yep up to 10 since last September.
Rest in peace Randy.

And people wonder why I dwell on good memories, take lots of pictures and try to see the positive in even the darkest of times...

Life is too short for anger, misunderstandings and hate... Life should be lived to the fullest to make you the happiest you can be in this short time that we're here on this ball of dirt...

Love hard and love often...

Death Has No Mercy

The moment you find out that you are pregnant...that within your body there is another being that is being formed and sustained by all that you eat and drink, that this tiny bunch of cells is forming and that you will one day get to feel it move within you...

Making it feel as though you have butterflies in your stomach at it's tiny fluttering motions, as it grows and moves...

The swell of your belly getting tighter, making your clothes uncomfortable, breasts tender and swollen, vaginal area swelling and much more sensitive...

That glow taking over and feeling just like the mother goddess as you take pride in the fact that you are now incubating another human being...

And you start almost immediately daydreaming about how you'll raise them...things you'll do with them once they're born...what you'll name them... it has to be something that hopefully they will like and not want to change... you'll dream about them being healthy and happy...

You start to get fiercely protective of them...eating right...not drinking... staying away from smokers and smoking... As they and you grow bigger... they move around kicking and pushing against some vital organs...and you forgive them the pain and discomfort they cause you, because you love them with all your heart...they are a part of you, and you know how cramped they're getting in your belly... you rub your belly in the hopes that they can feel your touch and be comforted while in utero...

Knowing that your heart beat is the loudest thing they can hear, you hope that through those beats they feel the love you have for them locked away in there...

You worry about how you'll keep them safe once you give birth to them... you wonder if they'll grow up well adjusted and knowing how much you fear that the ugliness of the world will get to them too soon... you worry about everyone who may come into contact with them and what they might learn from them as they grow...

At times you wish to just keep them from all the dangers...all the horrors...all the nasty stuff out there...

You're full of joy and worry some days one is more intense then the other and vice versa...

Then... suddenly one day you're not feeling very well... so you stay in bed... the next day you can't remember whether or not you felt the baby kick... you get up feeling a bit better... but constantly putting your hands to your swollen belly as if willing the baby to move... wait...was that a small flutter...or was that maybe a gas bubble...well now you're paranoid...you convince yourself that you felt the small flutterings and go about your day...

You get ready to go to bed... nothing different...you can't get comfortable...you're nearly 5 months pregnant...
Finally sleep comes from sheer exhaustion...even though you still don't feel 100%

You awaken in the middle of the night...in the grip of the most excruciating pain in your abdomen that you have ever felt... some unseen force is reaching through your back, trying to snap your spine in it's lethal death grip...
You try to cry out but the pain is so intense it's stolen your voice from you as the warmth seeps down your legs...your body coated with a slick sickly sweat...

You can barely move the pain is so intense...you manage to sit upright and up onto your knees...but the pain hits again and you double over your swollen belly as if to try to protect your unborn child from the pain you're in...

The black out worthy pain rolls over your body again and you feel like you're going to be sick...but instead of dry heaving you feel this intense pressure in your belly... your eyes fly open in horror as you realize that your body is trying to push out your unborn child...your hand goes between your legs as if you can somehow stop this from happening... there's a slick wetness there between your legs... when you pull your hand back you realize that your hand is now covered in dark thick red blood...

Shock tries to take over your body, it tries to make you pass out...it paralyzes you as your body feels ripped apart again from the body racking pain...your body rebels against your wishes and pushes...squeezing the tiny human being you were growing within your womb...that tiny frail miracle that you dreamed of naming...raising...loving and cuddling...expelling that tiny piece of unlimited potential from your loins...

You're left soaking with sweat, in shock, covered in blood, ready to vomit and the most precious teeny tiny baby....who is a dark blue...there's a cord wrapped around her neck...

She was dead.

The Force Awakened

You're right Bing there is a line there...

Sometimes it takes me awhile to pick up on stuff like that.. mainly because of the way I grew up...

But I see it now...

I just needed to stop focusing on the small picture and look at the big one... that's when I saw the line...

Thanks.

Now is time for the fun to begin for me...lol

Good times ahead.

I am a Strong, Independent, Sexy, Intelligent, Confident, Intense, Passionate woman who is about to take her life by the short and curlies... and I'm going to take over my world.

Even if I do it alone.

Wait...what?!

Nothing quite like cleaning the house for 3 days when you know that company is coming...

Spring cleaning.

Thank fuck it's actually spring so I have something else to blame for this cleaning spree as well.

Company comes tomorrow.

Not sure what I've gotten us into yet...might get killed in our sleep at some point this week...

lol...nah that's just dramatics...

However we are opening our house to a stranger for the next...month or so.

A friends sisters boyfriend needs a place to stay.
They will be moving to the area, apparently he found a job faster then expected, so he needs somewhere to stay whilst he looks for a place for them whilst he's working...and whilst she gets packed up and ready to move from wherever they're moving from.

Never met either one of them...just going on the friends vouching for him...

So this should prove to be interesting.

And this is all happening tomorrow.

I dislike people I don't know in my house. Especially when I'm out as often as I am with derby.

(The pic is just one of my favourite moments of the week. Trash talking via text for the Leafs vs Habs game.)

Your Life. Your choices.

Some days are really easy...other days it takes everything you have to not fall off the side of the cliff of life.

There are many issues I deal with every day...
Heart condition, respiratory issues, dietary restrictions, depression, anxiety, anti-socialism, etc.

Throughout my life I've taken on different sorts of mottos, cliches, sayings, quotes, analogies, ways, beliefs.

One of the ones that has stuck around the longest is Life is comprised of the choices you make.
Pretty simple, right?

If you make the decision to say or do something, that was your choice.
I dislike when people say 'I had (have) no choice.' Because it's just plain false.

Sometimes the choice is the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life.

You can choose to forgive someone of their transgressions or you can choose to cut them from your life, after 20 years.

You can choose to uproot yourself and your family and move to another country, or you can stay where you are.

Life is choices.

Those choices come in all sizes...from the tiniest of 'what socks do I wear today' to the biggest of life changing choices.

A lot of people will make their choices depending on what others might say or do...
'I can't move to B.C. my family will be upset.'
'I can't date that person, my family won't like it.'

Sometimes that should be taken into consideration like 'I can't tell this client to fuck off, my boss won't like it and I'll lose my job.'

Generally I say... make the choices based off of your own opinions and your own information.
Judge others on what they have done to you or said to you. (Well unless they kill and/or maim people...but you catch my drift.)

Making decisions about your life based on other peoples input gives them an awful lot of power over your life.
It's one thing to ask for the advice of others...that's a bit different. You've asked their opinion.

When you are considering a decision about something in your life and you find yourself thinking about what your kids, friends, family, coworkers etc. might think, that's you basing your decision off what they would want instead of what you may need or want.

Now...
I'm not perfect...obviously.

I am currently in the midst of a huge life decision. I find myself thinking a lot about what others might say and/or do when I come to the end of my decision-making process.

Thankfully one of my tiny voices keeps reminding me to refrain from doing that and it also says...if you want to know what they would think...then ask them.

This is why I'm an advocate for children making decisions from the start. So when it comes time for them to make the big decisions in their lives once older they're not depending on others opinions to make up their minds.

I started with my issues at the beginning because I have had people tell me I shouldn't be playing derby because of the health issues I have.

I made the choice to join derby and don't really care what others think about it...mainly because... it's been the best thing to help me deal with the rest of my life.

I choose Compassion.

Sometimes the hardest thing you can do is to tell someone that you're there for them and truly mean it.

It may be that you offer to make dinner, or offer up a ride to wherever they need to go, or just sitting with them while they watch tv and hand them a tissue when a memory washes over them and leaves them emotionally raw again...

And then sometimes... you become a whipping post for their anger...a verbal punching bag for their frustrations...

When they feel overwhelmed and emotionally raw one thing could set them off, if they don't have an outlet for that frustration and anger they'll lash out...at you.

It may seem strange to some but after getting into a discussion like that I like to come back with kindness, and compassion, and even consideration.
I had said that I wasn't going anywhere and that whatever is needed to help I would do it...including moving a mountain if required.

Not because I'm looking for a reward of some sort. I do it because if I've chosen you as my friend (which is something unto itself because I'm not a big fan of people) I am loyal and will do anything for those I choose to love.
I love those I've chosen to have in my inner circle of friends.

I can't do anything to help people monetarily and sometimes the issue is something I've never dealt with so I can't offer any advice.

What I do offer is healing... massages... conversations that just flow from one thing to the next... physical closeness... or just a shoulder to cry on...

And the most precious thing to me of all that I offer is...my time.