I Still Love My Babys Poundcake

Sometimes the hardest thing you can ever do is give up...

I've always prided myself on the fact that I don't give up when doing something, or when I want something. I find a way to make it happen if I can.

As a recovering addict, and someone who has an addictive personality sometimes giving up is exactly what I have to do.

I've worked really hard on myself, to make myself better and look at myself in a better light.
I use to drink, do drugs, and have sex essentially wherever I could get it. I had to dig deep and learn some very ugly truths about myself - I was ashamed. I was selfish. I was uncompassionate. I was insecure. I was stupid. I was guilty. I was reckless.

Learning the ugly truths about yourself is how you can learn, grow and change to become a better person.

Counselling, 12 step program, Depression, Anxiety, Therapy...

I didn't want to hurt people anymore. I didn't want to sleep with others husbands...or wives... I didn't want to contribute to their immoral acts against their loved ones. I didn't want to continue to look for love in sex. I didn't want to just be a bed warmer for a few hours, day after day. I didn't want to be a part of disgusting behaviours.
I didn't want to wake up in the mornings anymore not knowing what happened the night before, not remembering who I may have been with and how I may have been with them.

Getting high...Getting drunk...Getting fucked...all pretty euphoric...all pretty addictive.

Soon that's how I would deal with stress...how I dealt with anything really...

Today I had to give up on someone...that's hard. I'm notorious for giving at least eleventy billion chances to people...

Hell I gave Sugarbear 4 years of my life - hoping that he would someday see that I'm a beautiful soul and a great person...that I make an exceptional partner in crime...that we could take on the world together and we would be unstoppable rockstars...
Oh yeah...and it nearly killed me... I nearly killed myself. I nearly lost myself in the depths of the darkest depression.

****

April-ish it would have been one year of me sitting on stand-by, being a pseudo girlfriend, partner in crime...well you get the drift... I told Poundcake this morning that I couldn't do that anymore.
I can't hold onto hope for something that isn't going to happen. I feel like after this long it's become blazingly clear that I'm not the one he wants. If I was, I feel like it would have happened.
So instead of making a fool of myself any longer while he stepped out with another, and drinks his life away...I said goodbye to that portion of our life. It makes my heart sore...we could have been the rockstars...we could have been the ones to take on the world together... we've always had so much fun together... we have so many inside jokes...funny moments that make us giggle... he could have had the love and devotion of someone... I could have had my Poundcake and eat it too...lol

In less time Poundcake... had me - fully and completely.
I told him things I never told anyone - I shared stories with him
We would talk for hours at a time about anything and everything...

Then things started to change...
He looked at his phone more often when I was trying to tell him something.
He stopped asking me about my day or how I'm feeling...
He stopped trying to make me smile as much...
He would say 'Pardon...' more often when I would watch his attention divert...
He became secretive...stopped sharing things with me..
He started drinking even more...would care more about the percentage of the alcohol in the drink than, what I was saying to him...
His quips became less banterish and more cruel...
It became funny to put me down in front of other people...
He stopped showing any signs of PDA... and would give me quick secretive kisses before getting out of the car...
He started caring more about the LCBO, the craft breweries, wineries...we hardly went to fleamarkets or out for walks anymore...
He use to wish me a good morning every morning with a lil emoji kiss...
He use to wish me a good night with a little emoji kiss...
The emoji kisses ...became few and far between...then stopped.

Even when all the changes started...they were all small...so I didn't really notice them...then I woke up one day and went...wait... why am I always texting first now...?

Then I realized it had been like that for a bit, and slowly the light was getting brighter and brighter on all the changes that had been happening...

And there was a dawning - if I'm no longer getting his attention and affections...someone else is..

I had a dream the one night that shook me to the core and I wasn't sure exactly why it shook me - the answer came last night when I saw the two of them together...

The silver fox and the tick disguised as the ladybug.

That's when I knew - I had to be done - because if I wasn't, I would go down the Sugarbear path all over again...

I was in such a white rage last night that I woke up so very calm this morning - that scary, quiet, very still calm - that's when I knew I was done.

I'm convinced now that I will never find someone that I love that will ever love me as much as I love them... Big Daddy... Sugarbear... Poundcake...

I'm done. My heart is broken. I will never find that someone that I love with my all and have them love me. Third strike... I'm out.

How can anyone hurt someone to this point?
How can they know that they have broken another persons heart and spirit?
How can they do that?

Not again.

Sorry to Suck, Swallow and Run...But...

Doing something today that I haven't done in a long time, taking time out of my day to sit down and write up a proper blog post. It seems like since the beginning of the year I haven't really sat down and typed out the stuff that rolls around in my head. I know why part of that is and I may finally touch on that today. The long of it is...this is likely to be a pretty long blog  post that goes a bit everywhere.

Not even sure where to start...

Been taking a more proactive stance when it comes to derby. Trying to do what I can to keep the forward momentum with the league going. Offering suggestions and help when and where I can to different people and committees. So far since the restructuring people seem very open to it. Let's hope it keeps going that way. I have had a couple of issues with  a couple of the refs who seem to be on a power trip of sorts but hopefully that's getting sorted out.
Our next round of games starts again in September...as does the next set of FM training. So that means more intake sessions. Hopefully switching up the format for that...wish me luck.

A couple of weeks ago I told the Man that I missed seeing #DD every day...then #DD called me and asked me about coming back to the farm for cherry sorting.
I love #DD, one of my best guy friends like ever...oddly enough since I don't tend to get too close with dudes until I've slept with them.
I love seeing him every day he's one of those people with the energy that just makes me want to hug them every time I'm near them. Odd reaction but there's a few people like that in my life.
Anyway... I love seeing him every day even though it's not for hangouts...but I dislike the job. I mean I hate anything that is 'work', that's why if I've said it once I've said it a million times, I wasn't built for working...I was built for being a housewife and a porn star.
There are several times a day after noon that I picture myself just walking out and going home...or just killing myself.
There's a couple things that I'm holding onto that stop me from walking out or offing myself... I love #DD and either of those would likely hurt him...I want a new tattoo... and I want to go on a vacation...
If I don't have goals...amirite?

Burton came home for two weeks... it was too short.
I understand that she enjoys being out in Cali and that she now calls that home but she doesn't understand that the reason why she's always so busy when she's back here in Canada is because everyone loves her and they want to soak up as much of her as they possibly can. We all miss her so very much while she's gone and our smiles are all just a tiny bit dimmer for her being gone.
It may bother her a bit when we (her friends and family) talk about wanting her to come back and stay here. There's hardly any jobs here, the weather fucking sucks and is either too hot or too cold, and she feels like a failure at times because of her marriage failing... and yeah all of that stuff sucks. However... she makes everyones life a little brighter, a little bit happier and just that little bit better.
It's why she has so many friends where ever she is... and her Cali friends may have missed her SOOOOOO much while she was gone...but they get her so much more than we do.
I did get to spend quite a bit of time with her and for that I'm grateful. I love Burton. She is my wifey after all.

 Pinky and I have been going to the gym together for a couple of months now (we've even made up names for the regulars, but then we had to switch our schedule and there's not as many regulars we're finding in the evenings as there was in the mornings so we're having to come up with new names for people)...I'm not exactly content with any of my results. I've been going up and down with the same five pounds and it's frustrating the fuck out of me. Trying to clock in harder now though. Last night someone lit a fire under my ass. Out of no where I was on the treadmill doing what was suppose to be our cool down after our leg day work out (which I levelled up at all the machines), I started running. I ran for a minute straight at 4mph, then after a couple of minutes of walking at 2mph again I started to run this time at 4.5 mph, then back down to 2 mph...after a couple more minutes was running at 5 mph...and then for the very last minute before the 5 minute cool down I was running at 5.5 mph.

Anyone who knows me knows that I do not run....like ever. Mainly because I don't breathe properly, I dislike the feel of my fat jiggling while I run and I'm always concerned about my boobs and how much they bounce even in a sports bra.
But fuck it... I work out so that I can feel better...and one day I will look great naked...too myself. I put that clarifier in there because I've had people tell me that I look good naked... I just give them the stop trying to placate me look.
In the vein of working out...I wiggled my way into Burton and her big brothers weight loss challenge...have from a week ago to December to lose as much weight as I can.
My ideal goal is to be a very fit 170 to 175 pounds in the end.

I decided to 'Adult-up' (rather than man up) and used some funds that came in on fixing up my car rather than just blowing it on other shit.  I mean I did take the Boychild out for a breakfast just the two of us and splurged and bought a bunch of crap for our Borderlands 2 day and I bought dinner for Sugarbear and I. Other than that though...it mostly stayed in my account so that I could get the car fixed.
And today my car got her bum fixed. She no longer clunkclunks over bumps and potholes... her upper strut/shock mounts needed to be replaced. She sounds good now. There's a couple of other things that the lovely mechanic has said she needs but for now she is good, this makes me a happy camper. The brakes didn't need to be done like we had thought and it wasn't that the shocks and struts needed to be done...just the mounts. So we saved a bunch of money on all of that. The mount replacement even came in under the quoted price.

Ok so since I finally mentioned him in the last paragraph...here goes some rewinding in regards to Sugarbear (SB).
In March he lost both matriarchal and patriarchal figures of his family. However things had been over with us before that... we had gotten to this boyfriend/girlfriend point of our relationship and it seemed unwanted after the new year. Couple of fights in February where he told me straight out that I was nothing but a 'fling and a fuck' and that there was no fucking way that I would ever be meeting his children and that he would never ever love me.
Thinking (and maybe hoping) that it was because of the stress he was under with his parents both being ill and not seeming to find any resolution to his mothers illness.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt but pretty much was like ok no more exclusivity since I am not wanted in the capacity I was being put into.
We continued to stay in touch while he drove back and forth to St Catharines, Sudbury, and Angus. I would tell him that I love him, accidentally one day on the phone he said it back, he then got flustered and just hung up quickly after saying bye. I knew he meant nothing by it though, it was out of habit from all the family he had been talking on the phone, no doubt.
After the passing of his mum I tried to be there for him for whatever it was he needed. He even reached out the day his father passed and sent me a few messages asking me to call him, when I did that's when I found out about his dad.
(I was very confused as to why he didn't just send me a message to tell me about his passing like he had with his mum, but I wasn't about to question him about that especially not on the phone. I've since had a friend tell me that I may have become a touchstone for SB. Possible but he is such a hard man to figure out at times.)
When he had taken a week at home I had grown concerned about his well being (obviously!) especially when I found out that he hadn't been eating properly, was drunk in the middle of the day and not sleeping more then a few minutes to an hour at any given time.
And it was just before his birthday...
He didn't take to kindly to my trying to be helpful or supportive... at the end of the week he lashed out and yelled at me for doing the dishes, for buying him a birthday present, insinuated that I was untrustworthy and demanded his house key back.
I understand lashing out in anger (especially whilst grieving). What I think hurt the most from that encounter on the 28th of March was the insinuation that I was some how untrustworthy, a sneak or that I would some how damage his house.
I got it that he doesn't love me, I got that he doesn't want to 'be with me', I got that he needed time to himself to adjust to having to now take care of everything and everyone in his family, I even got that when hurting sometimes some people don't want anyone around them for awhile..what I didn't get was how he could accuse me of being untrustworthy, I never gave him any cause to think I would do anything untoward. I was hurt and confused and angry (oh so very angry) that someone that I trusted with all of me would think so little of me.

After that happened I had asked him if he could put out on his front porch the presents for the Boychild that I had been hiding at his place, he did...he also bagged up all the stuff I had in his bathroom (he use to let me take baths at his place to help my joints and back after derby and even when I was working last season because I don't have a tub that works properly). I'm not sure why that hurt so bad but it did, it seemed like he didn't want me in his life anymore. I was so very sad.

I didn't see him again until almost mid May... I let him know that I had missed him as my friend. I missed hanging out with him on the deck and listening to tunes. Yeah sure I missed the awesome sex as well but I really missed talking with him. His response was just a very quiet 'I just said I needed some time and space.' which I found interesting since he had been telling our friends that 'it's over' with the two of us. Which wasn't false, just he was a bit behind when I had been telling others that already. I wasn't confused about whether or not we were still 'together', I had been confused as to which level of friendship we would be at now (at that point).
The one year from our first date was like the celebration of a great year we had had together and the end of it.
The universe then said 'oh yeah you guys had a great time quietly hanging out together, having all kinds of awesome sex, fun times, and parties for the last year...well try this on for size now.'

I will always have love in my heart for Sugarbear, as I do with all my friends.However, he called me untrustworthy, creepy, unlovable, and nothing but a 'fling and a fuck'. Even in your darkest hour you don't shit on your loved ones like that.

It's in that moment that every you're amazing, awesome, beautiful, great, sexy and so forth is just wiped away in one foul swoop.
I once asked him while laying in bed together how he knew that I loved him, his answer was 'Because you put up with all of my shit.'
It's been quite a journey for our friendship this past 7 months. I'm very happy to report that we've been hanging out again, have had a few meals together. Gone to a few derby games together, he came to see my games this past season. It is still mainly one sided, as in I'm the one that does all the texting and inviting but...at least it's something. He is my favourite after all.

There's some people I will just keep trying with. As can be seen with Sugarbear and Bing.
There comes a time where with some I will just shrug and say I tried. I'm getting to that point with Baker. Seems I was a great person to talk to, hang out with and sometimes fuck, as long as he didn't have an online girlfriend. Suddenly he gets an online girlfriend and doesn't have time for friends like me anymore. I can't be cheeky with him anymore, or joke with him, or even go out on a movie date with him and his boychild because god forbid he might be away from his phone (or she'll be thinking that he's on a date!!).
Proved it again at sushi dinner with Burton when he spent more time on his phone, and I felt I couldn't talk to him because he had his dumb bluetooth earpiece in his ear all during the dinner.
I hope he and his online insecure girlfriend are very happy and have many virtual babies together. Yes. I am bitter.
I have very few people that I allow that close to me and feel like I've been duped when one of them just drops me like a hot stone.
Again...another time that every you're amazing, awesome, understanding, magical and one of my most trusted friends, is all just wiped away in one foul swoop.

Bing is getting married. I'm waiting for my invitation to come in the mail. I think when it comes I'll invite my sexy ass wife to go with me. Sounds like it could be lots of fun.

Amazing.... Awesome... Sexy... Incredible... Magical... Goddess-like... Unique... Fantastic... Fabulous... those are some of the words that men have used to describe me... Delicious... Divine... Tight... Drenched... Soaking... Warm... Out of this World... these some of the words (with the first set as well) that have been used by men to describe my pussy... welcome to the TMI and more graphic portion to the post...

I've had lip service from many a men...and that's not a euphemism... many have told me that I'm 'fucking amazing' when it comes to the bedroom sexxors and all the playing that goes with it...

So... why the fuck is it that I cannot get laid when I want and by whom it is I want?

Half the time I feel like I have to convince, persuade, or talk someone into having sex with me. My expectations too high...my views too narrow... my libido just so high?

For a year I was getting laid nearly 6 to 8 times per weekend..and oh my god that was the best ever...so much fun...and was so satisfying...
Now I'm getting laid on average about once a week. I'm really sexually frustrated half the time and most likely bugging the fuck out of my favourite boy with the requests for sex... the others have gone... mother issues... one lives with his mother and son (and a gf - but she's not in the house) and another just had to move his mother into his house...

Don't understand what the problem is... a woman who is apparently awesome and amazing in the sack wants to suck and fuck your cock on a regular basis with no relationship strings attached...how is this a bad thing?

*shrugs*
Maybe I'm too demanding.

Other than my extremely high libido I think I'm fairly low maintenance... I definitely don't spend $200 a week on fucking salon visits...lmao

and on that note...

I want some ice cream.

Just Breathing Through It...

I hate them.

They're young, slim, smooth and attractive. They catch the eye, make me nervous and want to throat punch someone.

I hate them. My stomach rolls when I see them, their pictures and I feel like I'm going to puke. My chest tightens and I feel myself starting to build a wall to harden so that the blow when it lands I can slough it off that it won't affect me.

I feel the venom I want to spit, the hatred bubbling up and I swallow it all back down. I feel the sneer take over and I want to lash out. I want to hurt everyone before they can hurt me. I want to gouge out their eyes.

Everything tightens up, winding tight like a spring...ready to be released at a moments notice.
I don't want to harden myself getting ready for the blow...I don't want to think that it's coming.

I'm not young any more... I've never been slim... I don't have a smooth stomach or even ass...

My jaw clenches as the tears start to prick at my eyes...my chin quivers as my breathing deepens...
I try to smile but it comes out pained.

My throat burns as I try not to cry. Is the pain in the end worth the happiness of now...

just breathing through it... when it comes... it comes...

Big Tall Men...Yes Please

If I was to have a 'type' I would say tall/large men...right off the cuff...

We all have our types some don't have a specific one...most people would say that mine is tall men with shaved heads and goatees...but...not exactly...

I will admit that I do miss being with a taller man (taller = 6'1" and up)

There's just something about being dwarfed by someone else when getting spooned... I first experienced the feeling when I was 17... I had a boyfriend at the time who was 24 and he was big and tall and soooo cuddly...

We had a really long night and the next day I was tired mid-afternoon so I said I was going to lay down for a nap... he came with even though he wasn't tired, just because he wanted to lay with me... (d'aw how sweet...pfft) he didn't even try to make any moves on me...anyway... we were at my Sister's apartment and we got into bed and I was nearly giddy with how little I was compared to him...he snuggled in behind me, my head under his chin and when we 'curled' up my feet were at his shins...when his arm went around me I practically disappeared...and actually my Sister did at one point come in to see if we were asleep and she didn't think I was there, she couldn't see me...

I've loved the feeling of that and have tried many times to get that feeling again...and I have... just not very often...

I'm not sure how I ended up with a man who is under 6' but I do love the hell out of him...that's one of his flaws though...lol

And lately it seems like the men I've been with have all been under 6' and I seriously need to rectify that and soon....lol

There's no better feeling to me then being wrapped up in the arms of a man, especially one that can make you feel so warm, and safe at that moment. Not saying that shorter men can't do that, not in the least... I just really dig the big tall men... ;)

Was thinking about that while in the shower today... thought I'd share.

I do know that it's remembrance day and I do honour that in my own way...wearing a poppy over my heart and the dog tag of my favourite vet...

There's also been a lot of stuff going on that I need to get down before I forget about it, but some of it isn't mine, some of it has back story, some of it I am trying to shake off before I sit down to write about it.

Ass Is Getting Away

Holy hell...

I was in a good mood last night...this morning I've woken up feeling as though it might be unsafe to leave the bathroom...

Glad I don't have to do anything today until this evening...

Had wanted to go to the gym...but...blarg I got an hour at least if not an hour and a half of skating last night...that's a lot of cardio...

*le sigh* I hate feeling nauseous...

All The Updates!! *arm in the air*

With hurricane Sandy on her way to come and blow us around... she's the last thing I need right about now...

blah and apparently I'm not going to get this written until the dog gets taken outside...here's to hoping we don't get blown away...

alright so now that the dog has gone out and we didn't blow away I can finish this...or start it even...

besides myself I have two other friends that are in the path of this hurricane... DrunkenMonkey and Roo... as well as Burton and the Nerd headed out this morning and are driving to Salem Mass... bit worried about all of them and hope that they all fair well through this...thankfully two have checked in to say they're doing alright...though Sandy hasn't quite made landfall yet...

gotta love hurricane season... have had more rain in the last few days then I've seen in the last few months...

so on top of weather watching...and while I still have power...figured I'd give an update on last week...it went by quickly and was a bit hectic...

Last Sunday (the 21st) was Darrel's 'Celebration of Life'...I found out about his passing while I was in Reno and after grieving our loss I had gotten worried that I would miss any funeral/memorial arrangements that would be made... Bing was really sweet about the whole thing and even asked me if I wanted to fly back sooner so that I didn't miss it...if it occurred while I was still there...as much as I loved Darrel and will miss him...I didn't want to give up my time with Bing...thankfully it happened after I got home... it was tough...I felt most for Konga going through the day and gave him lots of hugs...realizing then that I don't get to see him nearly enough and should find a way to rectify that...so that one day I'm not at his service saying how much I wished I could have spent more time with him...I already do that too much with someone else...and now Darrel as well...

I was really tired at the memorial because really early that morning I had taken my sister and 3 of her co-workers to the airport over in Buffalo...I realized halfway back to the border that, that was the first time I had been driving over there by myself...I mean while in Georgia I had gone out for drives (in our awesome rental) but the Man was still in the area...and even when I took Bing's car out by myself I was never really that far away from the house...I dunno all my life going into Buffalo I was usually with someone else...it's weird that it had enough significance to me that it came to mind...

My sister jokingly said when I dropped them off 'Now...turn around and go back over the bridge and go home...' like I was thick in the head or something...I quirked a brow and looked at her...she just smiled and said 'no driving the van to Nevada...' I just smirked and shrugged 'not enough gas or gas money for that...' and told her to have a good trip...

After the memorial I came home and got changed because Burton and I were headed up to Hamilton to go to the pagan pub moot...the Dragon Ritual Drummers were playing...and frankly that made me very happy...because I need to dance out some frustrations...and need to grieve...and was able to do just that...thankfully I have long hair so when a few tears sprang to life while dancing about my hair became a curtain...

had sent Bing a message at the end of that night asking if we could talk on Wednesday because I knew what kind of week I'd be having... especially Wednesday...

Monday I had to drive down to Fort Erie for a doctors appointment to talk to him about my ankle. Not exactly the appointment I was hoping for... he started making a no noise at me when I told him what I wanted and he checked to see how long I'd been off my skates...I was like 'dude...don't make that noise at me..' so he told me that with an injury such as  the one I got and the fix I got for it he would be suggesting a mandatory year off of my skates...I wanted to cry...he shook his head...and talked him into giving me a note for 'not full contact'  ... he suggested that I go back and talk to the otho...because 'it's his nuts and bolts in your leg...' but the ortho pretty much signed me over to my GP... I've had others telling me I should go see a sports doc specialist...
But he  gave me the note saying I could go back for training purposes...so I was a bit happy about that.

Tuesday night I found myself making my way back over to Buffalo airport again...and by Tuesday night I mean Wednesday morning...

Wednesday I went to the gyno doc to get my test results back and find out what all the extra bleeding was...apparently nothing...came back everything was negative and normal and the ultrasound showed no issues inside and no one living in there... huge relief that there's no issues...and I'm sure it was a huge relief to Bing that there were no occupants...I had a pang but it went away...
It was that day that I realized just once and for all that (or so I thought) that yep it was final I wouldn't see Bing again.

The girls had me go with them over to North Tonawanda to the skating rink...I was really nervous but I laced up my skates and put on my knee pads and wrist guards...just in case...I lasted about an hour on my skates...taking it easy...I stopped when I realized that I was starting to limp on my skates and when just pushing off for a glide was causing me to wince a bit...so I sat and listened to the music and watched the others.

I realized the other day that speed has a very euphoric effect on me...could be driving fast which I do love...or skating...although it's almost like flying when skating...it's hard to describe the sensation but it is addictive...and for a split second when I first started skating again I couldn't help but think that at that moment skating was better then sex...

So then I came home to find out that no talking to Bing...but he had suggested Friday instead...I was a bit put out because I had really wanted to talk to him...especially about my doctor's appointments since he had said he was so concerned about my health...

Thursday I went to Krammit's doctors appointment with her...she went to see Dr Awesome...it was a good visit...he's told her she needs to go on a similar diet to mine...she came back to the house and visited with us for a few...I was really tired and bummed from the night before so I wasn't the greatest company...

After she left I headed over to the shop to see Lock and talk to her about my training and the note I got from the doctor to see what could be done with me... she said that it was alright with her if I came out to practice and just did some straight skating for however long I could take it...just have to give my note to the HR girl...

So went to practice that evening and talked to the HR girl and it seems as soon as I send her my note I'm a go to come back. I'm only worried because the hall we're practicing at has slippery floors...all the girls have commented on it...so I'll just have to take my time.

Friday...hmm...oh right...Friday I contacted Bing to talk to him...couldn't do any face time with him because he was doing OT at work (he said maybe Saturday...that didn't happen...)...got him all caught up it seems on the majority of stuff...he seemed in good spirits which made me happy...he was glad that health-wise I'm doing well...he apparently was sorry that I'm not exactly doing 'okay' otherwise...

I mean I don't understand why...why am I not doing okay yet...?
I don't... still trying to get over the fact that he loves me....he misses me...he still 'wants' me...he worries about me... and yet... for the most part... won't talk to me...
I'd love to have a huge ego and think OMG he misses me so much that it'll cause him emotional pain to hear my voice... yeah I'm not that dumb or deluded...

I admitted something pretty big on Friday...and he just told me to stop being ridiculous... *shrugs* I wasn't trying to be ridiculous...I was just trying to be honest...

Friday there was a couple more aha moments of yeah I won't see Bing again while we were chatting...there was a couple of times that I typed in 'next time' only to catch it and backspace quickly before I sent that to him...it really doesn't feel like it...you know...it doesn't feel like that was the last time...but I can't start to have hope for seeing him again...hope is evil.

Friday was also the first time I had been intimate with the Man since I got home...mainly due to the bleeding issue...or at least so I thought... it was nice to feel close to him like that... I generally take a little bit to get back into the swing of things here with us...it's nothing out of the ordinary...I've made comments in the past about being a skittish horse at times... (tongue in cheek since my Chinese zodiac I'm an earth horse)

Saturday...got all dressed up and went down to one of the derby girls' house for the most awesome hallowe'en party of them all...she and her hubs put on a very good time... pics surfacing on FB all over the place...

This would have to be my favourite pic...but mainly because of Anonymous just lounging back on the couch taking it all in...just proves that Anon is always watching...just this time he's watching The PenalizeHer and myself look like Tards....lol

It was a really great party and The Man and I had a great time...it was nice to hang out with Derby people away from derby...and nice to see the Nerd since I haven't seen him in awhile...

He was telling me about his upcoming adventures...I told him I was going to sneak into his luggage when he heads to Vegas again...so he should be prepared to pay the 'overweight' baggage fee...

The party was definitely the best distraction I could have ever asked for...and I totally didn't even get wasted...had a couple of drinks...did a shot with Leethal and with PenalizeHer..so yeah...couple drinks and a couple of shots...was feeling a bit buzzed...

Yesterday (Sunday) was just sort of recovery day...not because we were hungover...mainly just because it really doesn't feel like I've had two moments to breathe since coming home...

Last night was a late night for no other reason then just wasn't tired... (here comes the TMI portion of the post)

I was laying here in bed reading when The Man's fingers started walking and saying hello...it was nice...and everything was chugging along quite nicely and we started getting all intimate and I was having a great time with it...until suddenly...out of what seemed like the middle of nowhere...I burst out into tears and started bawling...like out and out sobbing... *sighs*
I felt like such an ass...I think at first The Man thought he had hurt me...but that wasn't it at all...

I admit to have read the Twilight series of books...and I believe it's in the second one when Edward feels that Bella would be better off and leaves her...she at first goes into a deep depression but then when she starts going back to some what normal she finds that anything she does that is reckless or life endangering she hears Edward's voice telling her not to do what ever she's doing or to stop or what not...in the movie she sort of sees him as well but I'm sure that was just for affect...

I add that admission in there because that's almost sort of what I experienced last night...

On the last night that I was in Reno Bing had made love to me and it was sweet and great and so many other descriptive words that are eluding me at the moment...and it was much different then any other sex we had had while I was there and it just held a whole lot of meaning in it for me...hopefully him as well...it seemed to...and during it he ever so softly whispered to me I Love You...the emotion in that made me shudder because it answered something for me...

So with that all being said... last night I heard that i love you all over again at the most inopportune time and I was sort of knocked sideways by that... hearing him and being with The Man.. and yeah...

I just felt like such an asshole afterward...there's so much more to it then that but that's all I'm really willing to fess up to at the moment and even said this much hesitantly...

I'm not alright yet.

I don't think I will be for awhile...we had a lot of history together...lots of ups and downs...and while still here there's lots of memories...



Another Bing song it seems...there's about 4 or 5 of them now that I hear and immediately think about him...the two biggies are One More Night and Some Nights (this one)...

Damn me for listening to lyrics...lol

So yeah...that's about where I'm at, at the moment...

Some days are easier then others...sometimes I can go hours without thinking about Bing... some times I amaze even myself with how much emotion I feel toward him... I don't think even I realized how much I was in love with him... not exactly something I can turn off but... for now I'll have to cover it up...sweep it under the proverbial rug...and trudge on...

All the power is in his hands. I suppose it always has been. *nods*

I'm not looking forward to my weigh in... I've not really exercised enough since I've been back...and due to some unforeseen issues I've not been eating quite as well as I should have been...but now that I'm back to knowing that I'm healthy and in need of a distraction...I'll be hitting the gym full force again....

So I won't be too discouraged if I gained some weight since I've been back.

Life = Distraction!

It's Tuesday.

Yep I know what the day is... I have had one helluva fucking week I tell you what...

A week ago today I woke up and didn't leave my room until it was dinner time I was trying to keep myself composed because I was grieving pretty badly.

I didn't want to cook...didn't really want to do much of anything to tell you the truth...

So the Man and I decided to take the kids out for dinner because the Manchild was still here so that he could be here with his brother while I got picked up from the airport... at dinner we discussed the Manchild's living situation and by the end of dinner he decided that we would go to pick up the rest of his stuff rather than going to drop him off at his father's house...

That wasn't the most pleasant of situations that evening...but we did it... I was just glad to have him decide that he wanted to finally move in with us to get away from his father's whore...

So Wednesday was busy as hell as we ran to Niagara Falls to get his high school transfer papers and a couple more of his things. Running back into St Catharines to the first high school that we wanted him to go to....they were capped and wouldn't take him... so off to the second one got him all set up there but was pissed that he wasn't able to get into any French...because apparently a lot of high school's when doing cuts cut all French after grade 9...WTF?! but he could have picked up a Spanish class next term if he wanted...um bi-lingual with French in this country...not Spanish... not yet...

After that had to go talk to our case worker and tell her that living arrangements had changed and gave her all the Manchild's information.

Then we had to go run out to doctor's appointments with Dr. Awesome. Poor Manchild had to come because we were running late for our time slots. He got to see the doc though and agrees that he looks like Santa...lol

I talked to Doc Awesome about the rapid weight loss while I was in Reno...we bounced some ideas of why that happened off of each other... one of which makes sense is that the difference in elevation was a key factor as well...especially with how much the elevation changes were affecting me in other ways...

Both of us are just hoping that the weight stays off.

Thursday...came around with the Manchild going to his first day of school here in the city... the Boychild had karate and I went out to derby practice... with me walking out of it telling The Man 'I need to call the doctor tomorrow!'...

Friday tried the doctor for a couple of hours in the afternoon to no avail in regards to getting one...

That night I was feeling out of it and was really wanting to get out. So I got a ticket for the All Ontario Roller Derby Skills Competition and ended up going on Sunday with Bella and her hubby. That was some fun I needed. Watched 6 of our derby girls try there best to win. They did awesome especially for girls who've only been doing this for one season, they went against girls who have been in derby for years.

Saturday went to Pumpkinville and then down to Mum's for our belated Thanksgiving celebration...there was a house full of us...it was a nice distraction...

Unfortunately that's what life here has become at the moment... a distraction...hopefully it'll slide back into being in the forefront... but for now...life is a distraction to make me not think to hard about the shit that makes me want to cry...

Such as... distraction #560 - still bleeding... *sighs* I have a doctor's appointment which was supposed to be a follow up to the procedure that I had almost 6 weeks ago now... but it may turn into a 'Doc why am I still bleeding from a period that started on the 6th of Oct??' appointment instead... further updates will be shared... whether it's TMI or not...

Distraction #4223 Derby and getting back to hittin' bitches...actually that should be like distraction #2 but anyway... going to see the doc on Monday to find out if I can put my damn skates back on yet...I'm getting the need to scratch that itch real bad... the girls have been great about it as well... telling me they can't wait until I get back on my skates...one even told me that she can't wait until I hit her...lol that made me feel a lot better.


Added this because this is the perfect song that serves as a reminder of what my Trip to Bing's was like. I will always think of that last trip when I hear this song....the lyrics are so apropos

Here Comes The Blood Again...?

Ok so now I'm getting a little worried... Oh... this post may contain TMI... only warning...and I swear that song title you could use just about any word instead of Rain...lol

So...

Normally when I would have my period it would last 3 maybe 4 days max and that's it....it would be fairly heavy but than again with it only being 3 or 4 days that was expected...

I started spotting last Friday...Monday I would say is when it really started which was still 4 days early...ok that's not so weird...sometimes the timing is off... I was still bleeding as of last night... *blinks*

Technically a week.

I thought I was done last night when I went to bed and so went out today 'unprepared'... apparently while out with the family at Pumpkinville.... my body decided to gang up with Life and give me a big ol fuck you...

Got caught with my pants down, so to speak... got to Mum's and had a not so pleasant surprise... so apparently bleeding a bit full force again as of this afternoon...

so now I'm on day 8... twice as long as usual...

thankfully I did end up getting an appointment for my 6 week follow up with the vag doc but it's not until the 30th of Oct...

if I was hemorrhaging I'd likely go down to the ER but it's not really 'that' bad... I just really dislike going to see the doctors when I don't feel like I'm dying...

My only concern is that maybe I was dumb and had sex too soon (and maybe too much of it) after the D&C... >.>
I really hope not.

I mean I did have a bit of cramping and a little bit of spotting but that went away after a couple of days of being in Reno...

Here's to hoping that I didn't fuck up my uterus as well while I was away. *lifts tea and sighs*