blah and apparently I'm not going to get this written until the dog gets taken outside...here's to hoping we don't get blown away...
alright so now that the dog has gone out and we didn't blow away I can finish this...or start it even...
besides myself I have two other friends that are in the path of this hurricane... DrunkenMonkey and Roo... as well as Burton and the Nerd headed out this morning and are driving to Salem Mass... bit worried about all of them and hope that they all fair well through this...thankfully two have checked in to say they're doing alright...though Sandy hasn't quite made landfall yet...
gotta love hurricane season... have had more rain in the last few days then I've seen in the last few months...
so on top of weather watching...and while I still have power...figured I'd give an update on last week...it went by quickly and was a bit hectic...
Last Sunday (the 21st) was Darrel's 'Celebration of Life'...I found out about his passing while I was in Reno and after grieving our loss I had gotten worried that I would miss any funeral/memorial arrangements that would be made... Bing was really sweet about the whole thing and even asked me if I wanted to fly back sooner so that I didn't miss it...if it occurred while I was still there...as much as I loved Darrel and will miss him...I didn't want to give up my time with Bing...thankfully it happened after I got home... it was tough...I felt most for Konga going through the day and gave him lots of hugs...realizing then that I don't get to see him nearly enough and should find a way to rectify that...so that one day I'm not at his service saying how much I wished I could have spent more time with him...I already do that too much with someone else...and now Darrel as well...
I was really tired at the memorial because really early that morning I had taken my sister and 3 of her co-workers to the airport over in Buffalo...I realized halfway back to the border that, that was the first time I had been driving over there by myself...I mean while in Georgia I had gone out for drives (in our awesome rental) but the Man was still in the area...and even when I took Bing's car out by myself I was never really that far away from the house...I dunno all my life going into Buffalo I was usually with someone else...it's weird that it had enough significance to me that it came to mind...
My sister jokingly said when I dropped them off 'Now...turn around and go back over the bridge and go home...' like I was thick in the head or something...I quirked a brow and looked at her...she just smiled and said 'no driving the van to Nevada...' I just smirked and shrugged 'not enough gas or gas money for that...' and told her to have a good trip...
After the memorial I came home and got changed because Burton and I were headed up to Hamilton to go to the pagan pub moot...the Dragon Ritual Drummers were playing...and frankly that made me very happy...because I need to dance out some frustrations...and need to grieve...and was able to do just that...thankfully I have long hair so when a few tears sprang to life while dancing about my hair became a curtain...
had sent Bing a message at the end of that night asking if we could talk on Wednesday because I knew what kind of week I'd be having... especially Wednesday...
Monday I had to drive down to Fort Erie for a doctors appointment to talk to him about my ankle. Not exactly the appointment I was hoping for... he started making a no noise at me when I told him what I wanted and he checked to see how long I'd been off my skates...I was like 'dude...don't make that noise at me..' so he told me that with an injury such as the one I got and the fix I got for it he would be suggesting a mandatory year off of my skates...I wanted to cry...he shook his head...and talked him into giving me a note for 'not full contact' ... he suggested that I go back and talk to the otho...because 'it's his nuts and bolts in your leg...' but the ortho pretty much signed me over to my GP... I've had others telling me I should go see a sports doc specialist...
But he gave me the note saying I could go back for training purposes...so I was a bit happy about that.
Tuesday night I found myself making my way back over to Buffalo airport again...and by Tuesday night I mean Wednesday morning...
Wednesday I went to the gyno doc to get my test results back and find out what all the extra bleeding was...apparently nothing...came back everything was negative and normal and the ultrasound showed no issues inside and no one living in there... huge relief that there's no issues...and I'm sure it was a huge relief to Bing that there were no occupants...I had a pang but it went away...
It was that day that I realized just once and for all that (or so I thought) that yep it was final I wouldn't see Bing again.
The girls had me go with them over to North Tonawanda to the skating rink...I was really nervous but I laced up my skates and put on my knee pads and wrist guards...just in case...I lasted about an hour on my skates...taking it easy...I stopped when I realized that I was starting to limp on my skates and when just pushing off for a glide was causing me to wince a bit...so I sat and listened to the music and watched the others.
I realized the other day that speed has a very euphoric effect on me...could be driving fast which I do love...or skating...although it's almost like flying when skating...it's hard to describe the sensation but it is addictive...and for a split second when I first started skating again I couldn't help but think that at that moment skating was better then sex...
So then I came home to find out that no talking to Bing...but he had suggested Friday instead...I was a bit put out because I had really wanted to talk to him...especially about my doctor's appointments since he had said he was so concerned about my health...
Thursday I went to Krammit's doctors appointment with her...she went to see Dr Awesome...it was a good visit...he's told her she needs to go on a similar diet to mine...she came back to the house and visited with us for a few...I was really tired and bummed from the night before so I wasn't the greatest company...
After she left I headed over to the shop to see Lock and talk to her about my training and the note I got from the doctor to see what could be done with me... she said that it was alright with her if I came out to practice and just did some straight skating for however long I could take it...just have to give my note to the HR girl...
So went to practice that evening and talked to the HR girl and it seems as soon as I send her my note I'm a go to come back. I'm only worried because the hall we're practicing at has slippery floors...all the girls have commented on it...so I'll just have to take my time.
Friday...hmm...oh right...Friday I contacted Bing to talk to him...couldn't do any face time with him because he was doing OT at work (he said maybe Saturday...that didn't happen...)...got him all caught up it seems on the majority of stuff...he seemed in good spirits which made me happy...he was glad that health-wise I'm doing well...he apparently was sorry that I'm not exactly doing 'okay' otherwise...
I mean I don't understand why...why am I not doing okay yet...?
I don't... still trying to get over the fact that he loves me....he misses me...he still 'wants' me...he worries about me... and yet... for the most part... won't talk to me...
I'd love to have a huge ego and think OMG he misses me so much that it'll cause him emotional pain to hear my voice... yeah I'm not that dumb or deluded...
I admitted something pretty big on Friday...and he just told me to stop being ridiculous... *shrugs* I wasn't trying to be ridiculous...I was just trying to be honest...
Friday there was a couple more aha moments of yeah I won't see Bing again while we were chatting...there was a couple of times that I typed in 'next time' only to catch it and backspace quickly before I sent that to him...it really doesn't feel like it...you know...it doesn't feel like that was the last time...but I can't start to have hope for seeing him again...hope is evil.
Friday was also the first time I had been intimate with the Man since I got home...mainly due to the bleeding issue...or at least so I thought... it was nice to feel close to him like that... I generally take a little bit to get back into the swing of things here with us...it's nothing out of the ordinary...I've made comments in the past about being a skittish horse at times... (tongue in cheek since my Chinese zodiac I'm an earth horse)
This would have to be my favourite pic...but mainly because of Anonymous just lounging back on the couch taking it all in...just proves that Anon is always watching...just this time he's watching The PenalizeHer and myself look like Tards....lol
It was a really great party and The Man and I had a great time...it was nice to hang out with Derby people away from derby...and nice to see the Nerd since I haven't seen him in awhile...
He was telling me about his upcoming adventures...I told him I was going to sneak into his luggage when he heads to Vegas again...so he should be prepared to pay the 'overweight' baggage fee...
The party was definitely the best distraction I could have ever asked for...and I totally didn't even get wasted...had a couple of drinks...did a shot with Leethal and with PenalizeHer..so yeah...couple drinks and a couple of shots...was feeling a bit buzzed...
Yesterday (Sunday) was just sort of recovery day...not because we were hungover...mainly just because it really doesn't feel like I've had two moments to breathe since coming home...
Last night was a late night for no other reason then just wasn't tired... (here comes the TMI portion of the post)
I was laying here in bed reading when The Man's fingers started walking and saying hello...it was nice...and everything was chugging along quite nicely and we started getting all intimate and I was having a great time with it...until suddenly...out of what seemed like the middle of nowhere...I burst out into tears and started bawling...like out and out sobbing... *sighs*
I felt like such an ass...I think at first The Man thought he had hurt me...but that wasn't it at all...
I admit to have read the Twilight series of books...and I believe it's in the second one when Edward feels that Bella would be better off and leaves her...she at first goes into a deep depression but then when she starts going back to some what normal she finds that anything she does that is reckless or life endangering she hears Edward's voice telling her not to do what ever she's doing or to stop or what not...in the movie she sort of sees him as well but I'm sure that was just for affect...
I add that admission in there because that's almost sort of what I experienced last night...
On the last night that I was in Reno Bing had made love to me and it was sweet and great and so many other descriptive words that are eluding me at the moment...and it was much different then any other sex we had had while I was there and it just held a whole lot of meaning in it for me...hopefully him as well...it seemed to...and during it he ever so softly whispered to me I Love You...the emotion in that made me shudder because it answered something for me...
So with that all being said... last night I heard that i love you all over again at the most inopportune time and I was sort of knocked sideways by that... hearing him and being with The Man.. and yeah...
I just felt like such an asshole afterward...there's so much more to it then that but that's all I'm really willing to fess up to at the moment and even said this much hesitantly...
I'm not alright yet.
I don't think I will be for awhile...we had a lot of history together...lots of ups and downs...and while still here there's lots of memories...
Another Bing song it seems...there's about 4 or 5 of them now that I hear and immediately think about him...the two biggies are One More Night and Some Nights (this one)...
Damn me for listening to lyrics...lol
So yeah...that's about where I'm at, at the moment...
Some days are easier then others...sometimes I can go hours without thinking about Bing... some times I amaze even myself with how much emotion I feel toward him... I don't think even I realized how much I was in love with him... not exactly something I can turn off but... for now I'll have to cover it up...sweep it under the proverbial rug...and trudge on...
All the power is in his hands. I suppose it always has been. *nods*
I'm not looking forward to my weigh in... I've not really exercised enough since I've been back...and due to some unforeseen issues I've not been eating quite as well as I should have been...but now that I'm back to knowing that I'm healthy and in need of a distraction...I'll be hitting the gym full force again....
So I won't be too discouraged if I gained some weight since I've been back.
No comments:
Post a Comment