Healthiest Solution...?

I guess I just really wanted to hear the words  "But I don't want this to be goodbye." instead of "well this is probably the healthiest solution"

The heart wants what it wants....and unfortunately since I've met him...mine has wanted Bing.

I want to feel his hugs more and again...

and I want to get into really graphic details about what else I want and think about all the time but I don't think that's going to really help the situation any over here.

When I started an argument with him on the 21st I had toddled my ass down the hall and stated "You do realize that you are never going to see me again after this trip, don't you?"

apparently he hadn't realized that when I had told him that I was there to say goodbye to him...and I suppose it hasn't exactly been how I had thought it was going to be where I get on the plane and Reno and just never talk to him again...talked to him while stuck in Vegas and have sent a few messages back and forth since I got home as well... but the point is...I suppose eventually I'll just get sick of not hearing back from him and stop sending any sort of messages...

he had said that he would be alright with me still coming to visit as a friend of a less...intimate nature...
I don't think that will ever be possible for me...especially if he has someone living with him... there's this strange attraction I have to him this really weird connection that when he's around I 'have' to be near him... standing next to him...holding his hand...or other more 'intimate' things...I would spend the entire time visiting (if I was to go back) wanting him so much it would drive me nuts... I don't think he understood that...

as it is the thought of him kissing or doing anything with May just makes me jealous...she's there...close by...at work...next city over...she gets to talk to him and see him all the time... um yeah...and he wonders why I would be jealous... it's not because I think she's better then me or better looking or anything like that...it's just that she gets to be closer to him...

I'm hoping that one day maybe Bing and I could have a relationship like the DrunkenMonkey and I have... I secretly think that Bing is jealous of him, but he wouldn't admit it... the DunkenMonkey and I haven't seen each other or been in the same room for almost ten years...but we talk on skype and goof around and are able to have adult and not so adult conversations about so many different things...

I still have some love for the DrunkenMonkey, always will that's just who I am and how I am...but now we're just really good friends and I can talk to him about most anything...except politics...I think his views on politics are too weird for me...

Do I want to be able to talk to Bing about absolutely anything again...of course
He very quickly turned into my best friend I could count on him to be there for me when I needed someone to calm me down...or bring me back up again... couple of things I really do need to learn on my own... I just know that I'm not a priority to him... not sure I ever really was...but...

I've had a couple of people say to me already...well it's only been a couple of days...give it some time...
Give it some time to what exactly?

It's not going to get better. Bing isn't going to suddenly go 'oh shit wtf?! she's for me and I love her and want her in my life forever!!' I had been hoping for that...wishing that he would realize my awesomeness and realize that together we're awesome and that no matter what we could work it out because we love each other... if it hasn't happened in the four years we've been doing this back and forth thing...it's not going to happen... and I'm sure if it ever was to happen...he likely wouldn't admit it to me...

I was already floored when he had mentioned that he 'might miss you a little' which in Bing speak might as well be 'I miss you' because he just doesn't ever say shit like that... floored me a second time when he said that he did miss my snuggles and pancakes....lol

I tell ya...feed a man some good food and that's what they'll remember ;) however, was nice that he mentioned the snuggles first :D

I don't expect him to say stuff like that too often...as a matter of fact I figure he'll put the wall back up around him and not let me know anything he's feeling anymore.

He has still told me that he loves me... makes me smile a little sad smile...because I know...that'll stop eventually too... maybe not the actual loving me part, I'm sure he'll bury that and stow it as well...but the part where he tells me he loves me...

So for now I'm just biding my time until it all fades away...so I'm enjoying as much of the contact that I still have with him before it goes...

He said as he hugged me at the airport and kissed the top of my head...that contrary to what I think we'd still talk...

I had always been the one to send him texts, pm's, emails, or to call him... it's not like with having a new gf he's going to be suddenly sending me messages or calling me... so I don't really see how it is that we'll still be talking... heck I say by his thanksgiving....was going to say Christmas but *shrugs*

I'll likely send him a card or a small present at Christmas...still... because I'm like that... lol

I don't know.
Maybe I am bat shit crazy... *shrugs*