Pop Goes The Lightbulb

Just as a quick post before I truly open up a vein and bleed all over my blog about how I'm actually doing....which could take hours to get out so I'll do it after dinner...


I think I just had a huge break through while laying here in bed telling The Man some stuff and crying...

so back to the huge break through...

As a kid/teen I was a self harm-er...I still see some of the traits in stuff I do now...and have tried really hard to pinpoint them so that I can stop them or acknowledge them before I actually harm myself...

when stressed emotionally is when I find the tendencies pop up...and nowadays I don't take a knife to my skin any more but doing things like saying fuckit to the way I'm supposed to eat...or smoking waaaay more then I should...or even drinking waaay excessively...those are just some of the things I would do nowadays instead of the actual cutting...

it dawned on me as a giant light bulb popped over my head...

dealing with the physical pain of seeing an actual 'hurt' or wound is a helluva lot easier then dealing with the pain that we can't see...

yes it 'feels' like there is a gaping sucking chest wound where I've tried to extract  Bing...there is no actual wound...it's like somewhere in my brain it says that in order for me to feel pain properly there must be something physical to equate it to...or attribute it too...

So now that I know this...as fact... maybe just maybe I can stay ahead of it...and not actually harm myself like I have in the past...


More to come later when I figure out how to put all I'm feeling and experiencing into words...meh.