I'll Remember...

I'll remember everything.

That's the problem, and the reminder on Sunday night just haunts me and makes me really confused...

I'll remember everything... most everything from the last four years...it'll confuse me, depress me, make me happy, make me sad and break my heart over and over again... but I'll remember...

the way it felt with Bing, the way I felt with him....

the heat of him behind me as we snuggled in bed, the way his arm felt wrapped around me, the way at least one of his hands would always find its way to my hip and sit there like a perfect fit, the way he would nuzzle my neck and give me kisses there when I was standing in the kitchen, the way he started to dance with me when he came home from work to find me dancing in the living room, the look on his face when he walked in to find me going to town on the punching bag, the way snuggling with him on the couch seemed to make it like everything was going to be ok, the way he would just smirk when trying not to smile at something silly I would do, the way he would always ask over and over 'are you ok?' if I was just adjusting how I was laying in bed, the way he would always say thank you and tell me my food was good even if it wasn't something he particularly liked very much, the very quietly whispered I love you's in the dark of the bedroom, the way he would reach over to hold my hand in the car while driving, the way he would kiss me on my forehead while hugging me, the grimace and frown when he would tell me that I need to stop smoking, the slap on the ass he'd give me 'just because', the way he said goodbye to me on Sunday night...

I won't focus on the negative stuff...I won't dwell on the arguing...the late night kitchen fight...I don't want to focus on that...

I want to remember all the good stuff...down to the last thing he said to me at the airport... 'alright you're batman'

My heart aches so badly...and feels so broken...it's like I now have a big gaping sucking chest wound in the middle of my chest...I can't really help that at times I just start crying at the thought that I've just lost my Big Daddy...

Yeah sure he says we'll still talk and I suppose since I've left we have... but I know that sooner or later...probably sooner rather then later even the skype messages will stop...they've already dropped...

I realized that I wasn't it any more when I noticed just how much he would talk to May (not her name but going with it anyway)... it would hurt as I would see him answer her so often... and I know that there had been days when I would wait hours for a response (the times when he wasn't at work that was)... I knew that I was no longer the important one with just a small gesture... he sleeps with his phone beside his bed (it's his alarm), when he wakes up he checks it, he would take it into the bathroom with him, it would sit within arms reach of him in the office, it would sit next to him on the couch while downstairs...this isn't just this year because of her messages, this is just how it's always seemed to be... so it would make me sad when he wouldn't respond to me... especially when I knew how close his phone always is to him... this time it made me sad that not only was it always there but it was always there and he was always sending or answering messages from May...but I still had to wait for hours if I sent him a message...

He says he'll always love me... and I told him that I would always love him...

Unfortunately I bought into the Beatles hype a long time ago... All You Need Is Love...

Apparently that's not true...apparently just because two people love each other doesn't mean it'll ever work out in their favour...*shrugs* I dunno... I had always hoped it would...and now I will always stand by my opinion of hope is one of the evils of mankind...

So every time I go to send him a message I'll need to remind myself that I'll likely never get an answer back... every time I go to email  him I'll need to remember that I won't get an answer back... and every time I go to call him I'll need to remember that he may just not answer... I need to remember that I'm no longer important.

I'll always answer if he needs me... that's just how I am.

I'll never ever forget how elated I was when with him... even if we had just been fighting and weren't talking there was part of me that was still so happy to be with him that I can't even describe it...

People don't understand that... I have no way of describing it except  that when with him I was happy no matter what...

Sunday Night...will always be oh so bitter sweet to me... but... I'll remember.