Sunday, November 08, 2015

Appreciation and Expectations

I don't have a hidden agenda or malicious motivations, or even unreasonable expectations when I help my friends out or offer to do stuff for them.

I try to be a good person and a good friend to those I care about.
By helping them out any way that I can that isn't monetary, because face it, I'm broke.

It's very common for me to want to try to fix a situation that might be causing them issues, frustrations or annoyances. Mainly because I want to see the people I care about be happy.

Maybe that's lofty of me to think that I could solve other peoples problems but, in reality I try to only offer help or advice in areas that I think I could help out in.

I don't generally expect anything in return, possibly the ability to call on them in my time of need without thinking that I'm bothering or pestering them, which I generally don't do unless it's an absolute must because I'll feel like a burden to them if I ask for assistance. When I do ask for help in some way though I do try to make it up  to them. Buy them lunch, make them a nice dinner, offer up a massage and of course I always let them know that I'm thankful for their help.

I don't really understand people who do things for others just to see what they can get out of them. The people that do the 'Well I helped you with you should do this... for me.'
Or they lord it over you with the 'Well you remember that time that I did this for you.'

That's being a dick...not being a friend.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine with whom I really haven't spoken to in about 9 years. We have said hi how are ya but that's about it over the last few years but never anything too major. I let them know that I was concerned and a bit worried about them because they've been having nightmares quite frequently. They were surprised that I would care at all about what was going on with them or that I would put any thought into trying to help them figure out why they were having them.

I explained that just because we stopped talking and haven't really said much to each other in the last decade doesn't mean I just suddenly one day stopped caring about them.

For the people I care about I wish to be a bright spot in their day...or week...or lifetime. I wish for those I help out, care about and hang out with to smile when they hear my name and say 'she really helped me out when...' or 'she made me feel better when...' Something that makes them have a good thought.
With so much negativity in the world...when there's so many people out there who would rather see us all fail because they're miserable in their own lives... I just want to bring some joy and happiness maybe even some colour to peoples lives...

I read a picture on FB the other day that said 'Don't expect others to do for you what you do for them, their heart isn't like yours.' and also 'Expectations are the downfall of every relationship.'

They both rang very true to me... especially when you read the relationship to mean any relationship you have with any human being... I have a relationship with  my kids, my parents, my friends at different levels, and even the relationship I have with myself... it all boils down to the root of the word do you relate to others around you and how are they related or relating to you... All my relations... anyway... it doesn't always mean a couple who are committed to each other in a loving bonded sort of way... This is why it's best to know the English language when trying to communicate with others in discussions...but that's another blog for another time...

I realize that I get disappointed in people when I hold them to the expectations that I hold myself at. I expect myself to be thankful and to tell my friends that I love them and that they are important to me and show that by being helpful, remembering small things like their favourite colours or when their birthdays are... I expect myself to show up in support of someone elses loss of a dear family member even if I've not talked to them in 5 years... I expect myself to give pieces of myself away to others even when they have no idea I've done it... I expect myself to respond to a text from someone, even if it's just an acknowledgement to that person that I received their text...

I also realized that some days I need to lower the expectation bar on myself so that I stop wearing myself a bit thin.

I've made myself a very small group of friends...which is bad in a way when three of them live on the West coast of the United States...but hey we do what we can... the other four that I have here...well...they're all dealing with their own shit...and as much as I try to help them out... I know they need to deal with their own stuff on their own at times...and I also know that even though they are in my very small circle of friends of near and dear and I love them... I'm not in theirs.

And sometimes people set an expectation bar pretty high when they treat me a certain way I expect that's how they will always treat me... like driving 2 hrs home to spend 4 hours with me before having to go to bed to sleep and then get up for work again the next morning, driving the 2 hours back again... or finding out that I have an achy body after practice so pouring me a glass of wine and drawing me a beautiful bubble bath before giving me a massage... which after time apparently becomes 'oh that sucks...' while they lay on a couch watching a sitcom...

When you lead with one and turn into the brings about disappointment... I'm not saying I always want or need wine, bubbles and a rub... that's exhausting and would become routine...but a little more compassion...

But anyway I digress...

People tend to set their own expectation bars with how they treat you or at least that's what they do with me... Oh you treated me like this...well I guess this is what I can expect from you from now on...
Not saying that right off the bat you should set it low...but you should never set it so high that you can't keep it up...

I got so far down this topic of expectation I totally lost where my original thought was

I want to bring happiness to peoples lives by helping them how I can. I don't expect a parade in my honour...but a heartfelt and sincere thank you is appreciated...and goes a long fucking way.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Sticky Words

Sometimes someone will say something to you and it will just stick with you. You try to shake it off or convince yourself that it's not true, but it doesn't matter how hard you try, you just can't shake it.

A month ago in a moment of frustration and anger someone called me a selfish bitch.

It was like a slap in the face with cold water while someone shoved a knife in my back.

I put others first, I try to help them however I can, and I always try to consider their feelings.

So to be called selfish, wounded me. I was hurt by someone who said they would never want to hurt me.
By someone who continually hurts my feelings without thought or perhaps without knowing or maybe without caring.

I talk myself into thinking that they care about me and that if push came to shove that they would have my back. But...would they?

I asked them if they really did think I was selfish. It's been awhile since they called me that and I wanted to see if they really did.

They said no after seeming a bit surprised by the question.

It helped a bit with the nagging part of my brain that kept me wondering if that's how they truly see me.

There's very few people whose opinions matter to me, this person is one. It sucks that there is some days where I'm left wondering whether or not they even like me.

So many times they barely look at me or talk to me and yet...there's other times where they make me feel like the most important person.

It's a crazy head game that needs to stop being played.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

The Longest Night

I understand that with my particular and peculiar skill set that I'm seen as weird or crazy, I've come to accept that.

I'm highly intuitive, empathic and highly sensitive to the things that people can't see or understand.

This all gets kicked up a notch from October to December.
That's when The Dark Time is...the longest to speak.
The veil between the world and that of the after life thins, messages come from our ancestors and loved ones beyond. This is also the time when those close to their own end will step through the veil.
Also when those of us sensitive to it ride the line between the two and get the messages intended for others.

So often when this time is upon us I withdraw a bit because of the noise around me. This year it seems messages are coming in a bit early...and man is the sender trying their hardest to a message across.

I just don't know what to do when the person who is supposed to be getting it is ignoring the messages.

Some spooky shit has been happening already and it's just coming onto October now, not looking forward to the next month or so.

I don't like when the messages are for me and I can't do anything about them. Going to need to start blocking that shit out.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Saved My Life...Twice.

I started this post a few weeks ago...probably a couple months ago now since it's nearly October...and I didn't have it in me to share it with anyone... I'm not sure why I am now... but I need to put it out there.

For awhile a lit bit ago... I was very seriously depressed and locked within my own head... it was very hard for me to deal with it.
I went to work...went to derby...went to the gym...went to bed... that is how my schedule has been for the last few weeks.
I have a job that takes very little brain for an extreme over thinker such as myself it left my brain free to think about everything and over think everything as well.
I try very very hard to hide my depression when I'm in the midst of a spell of it like that.
I don't want for my friends and especially my family to see how dark my thoughts can be.
The idea of them knowing scares me a bit...what if they reject me because of those thoughts...or even worse try to have me committed because of them.
I joke around with some of my friends by saying stuff like 'I need adult supervision...' when doing something as easy as putting on sunblock.
A couple of weeks back I went to the beach twice with Sugarbear (...I really do need a new nickname for him...and soon...) in the span of a week. The first time a blanket was brought and some refreshments and we stayed for awhile...
I swam out and just kept swimming until I looked back at one point and everyone seemed small on the beach...Sugarbear was laying on the blanket. I turned and swam out further and was accompanied with the thought of...if I drown out here there would be no mess to clean up...if I just keep swimming eventually I wouldn't be able to continue...
I turned back and saw SB on the blanket and he was laying with his face turned toward the water...and even if he wasn't looking at me at the time it looked like he was...and I felt a bit guilty, I swam back in...and shortly after that we left.
Ended up having a nice dinner and a nice evening together...but in the back of my mind I knew...I knew that I had wanted to keep swimming and not come back earlier.
The second time I had sent SB a text earlier in the day suggesting we go take a dip in the lake after work. When he didn't answer me by the time after work rolled around I showed up at his place to ask him.

We went...not sure he really wanted to...but I'm glad he came...even though he didn't stay in long...and made it seem like he wanted to leave... I got to have a nice swim...but the urge to swim out in the rough water that day was really strong again...
I had thought several times and contemplated on a couple of occasions about harming myself or committing suicide.
I didn't say anything to anyone. Still technically only told two people.
When I have some people in my life whose response to stories of people taking there own lives is a good riddance type of feeling, it's  hard to work up the nerve to say anything.
The thoughts have gone again and I'm feeling much better again.

However I am quite certain that Sugarbear saved my life twice...

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Happy? Birthday...

So I had a birthday on Tuesday... I'm 37 now.

I had the worst birthday.

Not because everything went was just that nothing felt right.

It started the night before where everything just sort of felt weird with SB and I. To the point where I just ended up leaving and going home after he fell asleep.

I woke up and saw that SB wished me a public happy birthday  (which surprised me a bit) and went to the gym like usual with Pinky. Where I got an 'Oh it's today? Well happy birthday.' Between reps on the delts machine.

I told The Man that I wanted to go out for breakfast...had to buy my own of course...and then I went to the bank where on the way he yelled at me because he had a commitment and 'needed' to get to his volunteer thing.

Dropped him off.

And proceeded to spend the rest of my day alone. Where not one but two of my close inner circle of friends totally forgot it was my birthday.

Facebook is great but I have it set up to not show my birthday on purpose. People are sheep. The only reason half the people wished me a happy birthday was because they saw others doing on FB.

I watched the newest Doctor Who to get away from the fakeness that is facebook.

I had sent SB a message at 7:30ish in the morning letting him know that in 12 hours I wanted to kidnap him and do something but that I would have him back by bedtime.

So just before 4 I pick up The Man and head to a doctor's appointment with Dr Awesome. I sat in his waiting room listening to his extremely negative receptionist for an appointment was at four. I told her to reschedule me because I had other places to be.

Left and went and bought some groceries...whoo can't stop the fun now.

Went to the arena to the Freshmeat practice as I have signed up to be a Guest Trainer and I still needed to collect some more paperwork and registration fees.

I ended up leaving later than I wanted to...raced to the house dropped The Man off out front and raced over to SBs house.

Where I got a really cold reception. Add to that the silent treatment when I asked at 8 if I could still kidnap him for about an hour.

I can't eat cake...regular cake...gluten free...sugar cream...I can't  (am not suppose to) eat cake. So I don't get a candle on a cake to blow out to make a wish.
So this year I wanted to light a lantern at the  beach and make a wish as it flew off.
Maybe cheesy but that's what I wanted.

I also couldn't bear the thought of doing that all alone when I was already feeling alone. So with tears in my eyes I went back into the house and asked SB to please come with me.

He did. Begrudgingly, but he did. The beach was beautiful  (smelly...but beautiful)...
Didn't stay long, had promised to get him back for bed...

Had to stop to get something to eat...hadn't eaten since breakfast.
So my birthday dinner at 8:30ish at night was a Tuscan Chicken Panini from Tim Hortons...woohoo fine dining at it's best.

Scarfed it down...and then went and got into bed with SB.

I knew he was tired...I figured he didn't nap like I had suggested in my morning text...didn't look like he ate...but excuse for what happened next...

I asked for a cuddle before sleep... (now...a cuddle is a cuddle... if I wanted sex I would have out and out said fuck me it's my fucking birthday... but I asked for a cuddle...) Not only did I not get even the slightest of fucking hugs...I got out and out berated because he needs 8 hours of sleep to function and has to go to work and doesn't get to just laze around...

This would be where I rolled over and just quietly cried myself to sleep and wished my birthday had never happened feeling isolated and so very alone, not mention uncared for and unwanted.

I understand that to some people their birthday is just another day of the year... I get that. I like to think of mine as a special day just for do what I want with whom I wish. It's  a day just for me. Where I get doted on a bit because I've survived another year of my constant struggle with my own issues and decided to keep myself around for another year. A day where my friends and family wish me more than just a 'great day'.

I spend every other day of the year doing things for others and hoping that in some way I have been a good thing in their lives and brought them some happiness. I don't think it's selfish of me to want one day where people do nice things for me.

I don't even care about getting presents or anything... I dunno.
Maybe my expectations of others are too high.

I just thought those in my life that I love and love me would have done more than just pay lip service to me on my birthday. Or at least would have remembered it was my birthday.