Thursday, October 04, 2018

No Take Backs

I said the words last night. I said them out loud to someone I love. It was the first time I told anyone even the vaguest details of what happened to me that day when I was alone in the hospital.

I hadn't told anyone. I hadn't even said them out loud to myself.

It was because I was trying to connect with them, giving them a bit of insight into the trauma of losing my child.
I shed tears, and had too much wine.

They thought in that moment that I was trying to one up them. They took my confession the wrong way, it made me sad that I was just trying to open up to them.

Now I can't take those words back.

Tuesday, October 02, 2018

Old Life...New Place...

The moments when he asks What's wrong and I keep answering with 'nothing' because it's easier to say that instead of trying to form the words to say, I already told you yesterday what's wrong and we haven't addressed it because I would likely just break down and start crying... instead of just releasing a few tears at a time like the rest of the day.

How my teeth and jaw hurt from clenching back my truth, because I don't want to be a bother, because I don't want to hear his truth...

How my throat hurts from swallowing back questions...comments... probably silly corny stuff...

How my head hurts because of trying so hard to not cry right now.

How I just want the dryer to finish so that I can make the bed...curl up in it...go to sleep and just get on with tomorrow.

How my heart hurts because I miss him already and he's still right in front of me...but too busy unpacking his old life in his new place.

Sunday, September 30, 2018

Will It Work...?

I'm sitting here feeling sick in my stomach.
Not the oh my god I think I'm going to vomit sick, the everything doesn't feel like it's going to go well sick.

I've been trying to be okay, doesn't help that I've forgotten to take my medication for the last few days. Just grabbed it and took it.
I'm obviously not okay, I've been asked what's wrong and why do I seem so depressed this afternoon.

Well truthfully it's because life is about to change again, and for me, not in a good way.
I'm happy for Noise, he's moving on from the issues he's had and life is getting better for him, going to be closer to work and away from the reason he moved to this city to begin with. He's getting to start the next chapter of his life, I hope for him that everything goes well and life is good for him.

He's moving further away from me... means longer trips to see him, and he likely won't be making trips down to see me.

I don't see how this is going to work out for us. Well whatever Us there is... because well that's still swinging in limbo.
I don't want to fight to have something work, especially if it's just me fighting for it.

I guess I just don't know if it is just me wanting this for us...

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

What's Going To Happen Next...?

I've been entirely too comfortable in the situation I've been in since the long weekend at the beginning of August.

I have essentially been living in Guelph, with Noise.
For reasons that aren't my business to be sharing, needless to say I've been driving him back and forth from Guelph to Stratford every morning for work, and from Stratford back to Guelph each evening after work. To some that might be a huge inconvenience, I've actually really been enjoying it.

It's coming to an end at the beginning of October, I'm sure he'll be glad to be rid of me and not have to deal with silent car rides or my dislike of loud music in the morning.
I'm going to be sad, I know I am because I'm already sad as the days tick on. I've really enjoyed staying with him. As I've said a bit too much I think.

It's weird, I was so excited about moving into a new apartment down in St Catharines, but now when I've been there I just sort of feel like a visitor in what's suppose to be my own home.

I haven't been great at showing or hiding my emotions at times. This has been no different. I feel the end coming. I started to well up a couple of times. I'm gonna miss him and the days we've had together.

Ridiculous notion came into my head the other day while I was doing some errands around Stratford... Lots of the stores that I went to all had help wanted signs up and on more than one occasion I actually found myself saying 'hm I could work here' - to myself of course.

I don't know how to say what it is that I'm thinking at the moment, and I fear if I was to say any of it that it would likely just freak him the fuck out. So I keep things to myself.
I've been genuinely happy - since about April. Happy with myself especially. I feel like I woke up and came back to myself after all the unpleasantness that I had been through and shut myself away because of.

I don't know what's going to happen from here on out - my life has been sort of hanging in a weird limbo of uncertainty, which I've been oddly okay with...until now.

Something for the last couple of days has been gnawing at me and I can't quite put my finger on it. Perhaps I just don't want to admit it either. It's going to be painful. It's going to be a change that I'm not going to like...I'll adapt. I always do after all.

It's what I do. I help. I fix. Then I'm on my way, sometimes voluntarily sometimes not. Can't hold on to something too tightly or it slips away even faster. We shall see though - like they always say No One Knows The Future... except the Shadow knows...lol

I just wish I had the stability to put my feet down - hanging in limbo can get so taxing on the soul and the spirit.

What's going to happen to me?

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Vulnerability Is Not My Forte

I did it.
I got through it.

I told my truth, told of my hurt, the betrayal, the similarities, and I got to the other side...with only a few tears shed.

He didn't back away, he didn't look at me like I'm some hideous monster, he didn't get angry or mad at what I had to say.

He couldn't hold my hand... I was driving.

He slid his hand between my arm and my side, and held my arm as I drove and continued to pour out the emotions, thoughts, and feelings that had been bogging me down.

When I stopped the car at the end of the journey... I felt lighter. Even a bit more free.

I forgave him, though I hadn't forgotten, there was an ache that I had still been covering up and holding back.

I'm not good with rejection - not being able to tell my truth fully and on my terms feels like a door closing in my face.

I need to be heard and understood while bleeding out vulnerability and fear. I don't need prompt responses, I need well thought out understanding and patience, as I scrub my mind of the atrocities, as they fade away and are replaced by beauty.