I was bombarded last night with some really odd dreams...oh and as I said to Burton today via text... I must have been really fucking ugly last night...I went to bed at 12:30 am and woke up at 12:30pm today...wtf eh?
I ran into Dwayne and he and I went out get a cup of coffee and when we were walking out after an hour of visiting or so, we hugged by his car and as I said 'I've really missed you' I broke down crying and we just stood there hugging for a long time. He said that he had missed me too and that we would have to get together for coffee more often.
talk about odd...
few others that were weird was watching a group of marines while overseas...was helping them (sort of) I'm fuzzy about the details now... probably should have typed this up just after waking up...
another...
I went out and started slaughtering people on Valentine's Day...I mean I felt like it on Tuesday but not really enough that I figured there'd be any residual after effects that would make me dream about killing people...
I have to say though that I was quite impressed by all the ways I was killing tem and also by how efficient I was...
so besides weird dreams...
I went out with Burton on Saturday, went over to Buffalo to go visit PirateGirl. Well that and Burton had some stuff delivered to PirateGirls house. Went out and PirateGirl took us for lunch at a place called Betty's, I had the best burger. Oh...and the best bacon. Spar's bacon equals Epic Yummy Bacon!
I'm glad that I get to hang with Burton when I'm depressed...she doesn't badger me about what's wrong or doesn't try to force me to open up. She just tells me she hearts my face and we go on about the day.
Bought a lovely bottle of Twisted Moscato. Twisted is a winery from California...they make the first white wine that I enjoy. And I also like their White Zinfendal...their old vine zinfendal not as good. lol
Then Sunday we hung out again sort of... went to a Scentsy party that Burton was the consultant at. I had only met the Hostess once and that was at another party where I didn't know the hostess very well...it was interesting. And a bit of Fun. Saw Nickle again as well.
Burton asked me if I wanted to go out with her on Friday (as in tomorrow), going to... could use some dance floor time and can't get drunk on one bottle of wine so...we'll have to see how I do tomorrow. lol
so I'm being distracted by other things so I think I'll save the rest of my updating until after the weekend maybe...
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Don't Forget me. I begged. I'll remember. You said.
I have anxiety just like anyone else does....mine to me is pretty serious because to me it makes me feel like I can't function properly...
I feel small and insignificant, I'm insecure about myself and whether or not I will be forgotten.
I know I've written about it before...but it just hit me again the other night like a ton of bricks...it kept me from sleeping properly, I was waking during every hour at least once...almost as if to check to see if I was still there...
I've been known to make up weird or unusual question just to ask people just to see if they'll respond as if checking to see if to them I still exist or if they have chosen to forget me.
I stay quiet during conversations because I find myself halfway through telling a story and then realizing that those I'm talking to probably don't even care about what I'm saying.
It's been no secret throughout my blog that I have self worth issues at times.
But it was just the other night when the anxiety hit me really hard due to (what I would deem) a drastic personality change....not only do I have the insecurity about being forgotten but that I also don't deal well with change at all.
I'll make a good facade and smile and nod and try to go with the flow but the one insecurity just leads to another. Change will somehow lead to my being forgotten by those I care about.
I try to make sure I tell those that I care about how I feel about them and even their accomplishments, and I try to tell them honestly how I feel about their troubles if they decide to share them with me.
Deep down inside I don't think that distance makes the heart grow fonder, I think it makes it a lot easier to forget.
I've started to withdraw again. It started the other night and I felt myself slowly backing away. As if my backing away will help others just get on with their lives without another thought my way.
I think it's almost time for me to give up. To just let go.
Just see who I become when I stop holding onto everyone so tightly.
I'm so scared that I'm just going to find myself alone.
I don't know what to do.
I feel small and insignificant, I'm insecure about myself and whether or not I will be forgotten.
I know I've written about it before...but it just hit me again the other night like a ton of bricks...it kept me from sleeping properly, I was waking during every hour at least once...almost as if to check to see if I was still there...
I've been known to make up weird or unusual question just to ask people just to see if they'll respond as if checking to see if to them I still exist or if they have chosen to forget me.
I stay quiet during conversations because I find myself halfway through telling a story and then realizing that those I'm talking to probably don't even care about what I'm saying.
It's been no secret throughout my blog that I have self worth issues at times.
But it was just the other night when the anxiety hit me really hard due to (what I would deem) a drastic personality change....not only do I have the insecurity about being forgotten but that I also don't deal well with change at all.
I'll make a good facade and smile and nod and try to go with the flow but the one insecurity just leads to another. Change will somehow lead to my being forgotten by those I care about.
I try to make sure I tell those that I care about how I feel about them and even their accomplishments, and I try to tell them honestly how I feel about their troubles if they decide to share them with me.
Deep down inside I don't think that distance makes the heart grow fonder, I think it makes it a lot easier to forget.
I've started to withdraw again. It started the other night and I felt myself slowly backing away. As if my backing away will help others just get on with their lives without another thought my way.
I think it's almost time for me to give up. To just let go.
Just see who I become when I stop holding onto everyone so tightly.
I'm so scared that I'm just going to find myself alone.
I don't know what to do.
Wednesday, February 08, 2012
Mourning...Babe...Heart...Date...Psychic...Moon...
it is with a sad heavy heart that I have finally realized that I need to...*le sigh* replace my mouse... I love my mouse...it's one of those crazy trackball on top stationary mice where I just have to move my thumb... it started to die last year and I was able to trick it by switching the settings to think it was a left handed mouse...but it has caught on to my nefarious plan and has started dying on me again... I've tried the whole taking it apart and cleaning it and other stuffs like that...it feels better for awhile but then it just gets all old and crotchity on me again...it's lasted me at least 5 years now so we had a good run... and really after finding out what the Man pay for it (he had purchased it for my birthday) it's definitely been worth the money he paid... *sigh* my poor mouse...how I loves it so...
Babe? hmm... I'm not really the babe type...I don't call people that, I find it awkward when people call me that... it's just... I dunno... Babe is a little pink pig... and yeah I'm short and fat and pinkish in colour but... really... I find Babe to be one of the most annoying 'pet names' especially when a complete stranger uses it...
**later on in the evening...**
so not sure if I should work from last week to now or today back to last week... lol
Thursday... so for the first time in like ever I met up with someone for something akin to a blind date...met this guy online and we decided that we would get together and go for dinner and since he'd never been here before he wanted to see Niagara Falls... so being somewhat smart I met him down the road at the plaza and away we went... ended up in Mississauga for dinner... had a good time. Won't be happening again, but was still a good time.
Friday and Saturday the boys and the Man and I worked our asses off around the house...cleaning, tidying putting stuff away throwing old stuff out... because Saturday afternoon the landlords came in for what they called a 'walk through'... funny how the idea over came the land lady when she found out we got a puppy.
Imagine her surprise as she walked through the house and realized there was absolutely no damage done to the house in the 3 years that we've lived here... I think they were surprised because the other house they own they tend to rent to crack heads who destroy the place all the time.
Landlord stayed and finally fixed the blister in the ceiling in the living room. yay. Though I must admit he left a huge mess of dust and clumps of drywall mud...
Sunday I went out with Burton to a psychic fair here in the city. Got a bit of a reading done which was fairly accurate... mostly some of the stuff that you know about yourself that you would never admit to others...as Burton put it. Had a very tasty Tropical Mango Smoothie while we chatted.
Monday went with the Man to the Boychild's school while he was at karate. We were having a meeting/information session about the Academy that we want to be sending him to next year. After the info session we believe even more that this will be perfect for the Boychild, even though he seems to be resisting us on this. It'd be longer days, more homework but a much better atmosphere for him, one on one mentoring, the same school from grade 6 until he graduates high school and a lot more focus on post secondary education lead up.
Tuesday... went to Burton's house for Full Moon Tea... was just three of us again, though our third wasn't Parker this time.. it was Burton's manager from work. We had a good time, lovely dinner nice little rit and then some yummy Japanese Sour Cherry Tea mixed with hot chocolate... it was quite dee-lish.
Today... Wednesday... I had to go back for my follow up appointment with my cardiologist... got the results back from the King of Hearts monitor that I was wearing for two weeks. Ends up that I'm not crazy, but I'm also not having episodes like I had been having before my ablation in 2006.
It seems that not only am I more sensitive to what it is that my heart is doing, and it's now extremely sensitive to drugs and outside stimulus... stress, sickness, not enough sleep etc... can all make the ticker go a bit funny.
So since the doc isn't worried about it...I pretty much got the chicken dinner from him... so unless there is a dramatic change... I just have to live with what's going on in my chest... fun times
Tomorrow... nothing on the books...whoo!
same with Friday... and then again on Saturday...
However in other good news...
I was contacted by one of the woman that put together the pagan pub moot in the next city and was asked if I'd like to vend my wares at the next one...well the one in March since the next one is actually on Sunday... so I'm happy... I have to make up some more trees... think I have enough jewelry right now...
so yay!
and now... time for bed... especially since I've been yawning my face off since around 9:30ish...
Babe? hmm... I'm not really the babe type...I don't call people that, I find it awkward when people call me that... it's just... I dunno... Babe is a little pink pig... and yeah I'm short and fat and pinkish in colour but... really... I find Babe to be one of the most annoying 'pet names' especially when a complete stranger uses it...
**later on in the evening...**
so not sure if I should work from last week to now or today back to last week... lol
Thursday... so for the first time in like ever I met up with someone for something akin to a blind date...met this guy online and we decided that we would get together and go for dinner and since he'd never been here before he wanted to see Niagara Falls... so being somewhat smart I met him down the road at the plaza and away we went... ended up in Mississauga for dinner... had a good time. Won't be happening again, but was still a good time.
Friday and Saturday the boys and the Man and I worked our asses off around the house...cleaning, tidying putting stuff away throwing old stuff out... because Saturday afternoon the landlords came in for what they called a 'walk through'... funny how the idea over came the land lady when she found out we got a puppy.
Imagine her surprise as she walked through the house and realized there was absolutely no damage done to the house in the 3 years that we've lived here... I think they were surprised because the other house they own they tend to rent to crack heads who destroy the place all the time.
Landlord stayed and finally fixed the blister in the ceiling in the living room. yay. Though I must admit he left a huge mess of dust and clumps of drywall mud...
Sunday I went out with Burton to a psychic fair here in the city. Got a bit of a reading done which was fairly accurate... mostly some of the stuff that you know about yourself that you would never admit to others...as Burton put it. Had a very tasty Tropical Mango Smoothie while we chatted.
Monday went with the Man to the Boychild's school while he was at karate. We were having a meeting/information session about the Academy that we want to be sending him to next year. After the info session we believe even more that this will be perfect for the Boychild, even though he seems to be resisting us on this. It'd be longer days, more homework but a much better atmosphere for him, one on one mentoring, the same school from grade 6 until he graduates high school and a lot more focus on post secondary education lead up.
Tuesday... went to Burton's house for Full Moon Tea... was just three of us again, though our third wasn't Parker this time.. it was Burton's manager from work. We had a good time, lovely dinner nice little rit and then some yummy Japanese Sour Cherry Tea mixed with hot chocolate... it was quite dee-lish.
Today... Wednesday... I had to go back for my follow up appointment with my cardiologist... got the results back from the King of Hearts monitor that I was wearing for two weeks. Ends up that I'm not crazy, but I'm also not having episodes like I had been having before my ablation in 2006.
It seems that not only am I more sensitive to what it is that my heart is doing, and it's now extremely sensitive to drugs and outside stimulus... stress, sickness, not enough sleep etc... can all make the ticker go a bit funny.
So since the doc isn't worried about it...I pretty much got the chicken dinner from him... so unless there is a dramatic change... I just have to live with what's going on in my chest... fun times
Tomorrow... nothing on the books...whoo!
same with Friday... and then again on Saturday...
However in other good news...
I was contacted by one of the woman that put together the pagan pub moot in the next city and was asked if I'd like to vend my wares at the next one...well the one in March since the next one is actually on Sunday... so I'm happy... I have to make up some more trees... think I have enough jewelry right now...
so yay!
and now... time for bed... especially since I've been yawning my face off since around 9:30ish...
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
Zombies wouldn't want to eat my brains...
right... so what was I going to say again?
I swear my brain is nothing but mush nowadays...barely remembering stuff from one day to the next... I'll think of something and think...oh yeah I had wanted to blog about that...then I'll sit down at my desk and draw a blank...
not fun...
wasn't feeling well last week... last couple of days it's still felt that someone is sitting on my chest half of the time...
in domestic news...
I finally got up stairs (what a sight I was) and helped the Man clear out the spare room... it had been filled with some boxes of stuff that we just don't have storage space for when we moved in (*mumbles* three years ago) well with the talk of the Manchild possibly moving in and the landlords wanting to do a 'walk through' of the house we decided to tidy up the upstairs... that way they can redo the floor like they need to up there and then after they do that we'll be giving the Manchild his own room...
I got up the other day put on a set of scrubs, put my hair up in a bandana, dust mask, latex gloves and went up stairs... it took a bit longer before my allergies set in but man when they did... holy crap...
I'm gonna have to suck it up and get back up there tomorrow again... the landlords will be here on Saturday...
Got to hang with Burton today... was really happy with that...we went grocery shopping, then she went to go visit her Oma in the hospital (up the road) then when she came to get her car (from my driveway) she stayed for supper...watched some Tim Minchin and had some laughs (well had some laughs all day really...lol)
in foreign news... (lol)
I think I may kind of have a date tomorrow...lol
Been talking to a friend from Texas...found out that he's here in Mississauga and so he was sort of joking saying he's never seen the Falls...told him he totally had to since he was so close...some how it ended up with him offering to buy me dinner and me showing him the Falls after he was finished work tomorrow...*shrugs*
So we'll have to see how that goes...
in medical news...
the Man dropped off the heart monitor today...so have an appointment to find out the results next Wednesday at like 4 in the afternoon... sort of a late appointment...but hey hopefully I'll learn something...
appointment with the specialist on the 28th...hopefully find out about the cramping and weakness that's been happening...it's spreading... :(
in employment news...
the doorbell rang this morning...like 9am...the Man went out and answered it...he came back in with a large UPS envelope in his hand...after opening he read off on a piece of paper... Letter of Termination...
yep he got a letter from Screwcom stating that as of March 28th he'll be unemployed...well since he's been on medical leave for over a year it wasn't a huge surprise...however then we found out that 144 people were getting their walking papers today...one of the major clients is taking their business out of Canada...
aaaand....I forget what else I was going to say...I swear I need some of that brain strong stuff or something...
I swear my brain is nothing but mush nowadays...barely remembering stuff from one day to the next... I'll think of something and think...oh yeah I had wanted to blog about that...then I'll sit down at my desk and draw a blank...
not fun...
wasn't feeling well last week... last couple of days it's still felt that someone is sitting on my chest half of the time...
in domestic news...
I finally got up stairs (what a sight I was) and helped the Man clear out the spare room... it had been filled with some boxes of stuff that we just don't have storage space for when we moved in (*mumbles* three years ago) well with the talk of the Manchild possibly moving in and the landlords wanting to do a 'walk through' of the house we decided to tidy up the upstairs... that way they can redo the floor like they need to up there and then after they do that we'll be giving the Manchild his own room...
I got up the other day put on a set of scrubs, put my hair up in a bandana, dust mask, latex gloves and went up stairs... it took a bit longer before my allergies set in but man when they did... holy crap...
I'm gonna have to suck it up and get back up there tomorrow again... the landlords will be here on Saturday...
Got to hang with Burton today... was really happy with that...we went grocery shopping, then she went to go visit her Oma in the hospital (up the road) then when she came to get her car (from my driveway) she stayed for supper...watched some Tim Minchin and had some laughs (well had some laughs all day really...lol)
in foreign news... (lol)
I think I may kind of have a date tomorrow...lol
Been talking to a friend from Texas...found out that he's here in Mississauga and so he was sort of joking saying he's never seen the Falls...told him he totally had to since he was so close...some how it ended up with him offering to buy me dinner and me showing him the Falls after he was finished work tomorrow...*shrugs*
So we'll have to see how that goes...
in medical news...
the Man dropped off the heart monitor today...so have an appointment to find out the results next Wednesday at like 4 in the afternoon... sort of a late appointment...but hey hopefully I'll learn something...
appointment with the specialist on the 28th...hopefully find out about the cramping and weakness that's been happening...it's spreading... :(
in employment news...
the doorbell rang this morning...like 9am...the Man went out and answered it...he came back in with a large UPS envelope in his hand...after opening he read off on a piece of paper... Letter of Termination...
yep he got a letter from Screwcom stating that as of March 28th he'll be unemployed...well since he's been on medical leave for over a year it wasn't a huge surprise...however then we found out that 144 people were getting their walking papers today...one of the major clients is taking their business out of Canada...
aaaand....I forget what else I was going to say...I swear I need some of that brain strong stuff or something...
 |
| <3 yer face BD |
Monday, January 30, 2012
tiny mini squee
Longer post later as I've been thinking one up... few different topics running around through my head..
however...quick mini squee...
before christmas I had ordered something for Big Daddy and figured if it didn't come in by christmas that I'd just send it to him as a random gift or wait and take it with me the next time I go see him...
anyway.. I had forgotten about it and ended up getting him something else for christmas... (something he totally liked a lot..score!) but anyway... just got a message last night about the other thing that I had ordered like back in October (no money had been exchanged so when I hadn't heard back I was kinda meh and shrugged it off) so yeah I'm happy that I finally heard back and will be getting it in the mail in the next couple of weeks... yay!
I think I'll just keep it until the next time I go visit... *crosses fingers that it all comes in smoothly*
however...quick mini squee...
before christmas I had ordered something for Big Daddy and figured if it didn't come in by christmas that I'd just send it to him as a random gift or wait and take it with me the next time I go see him...
anyway.. I had forgotten about it and ended up getting him something else for christmas... (something he totally liked a lot..score!) but anyway... just got a message last night about the other thing that I had ordered like back in October (no money had been exchanged so when I hadn't heard back I was kinda meh and shrugged it off) so yeah I'm happy that I finally heard back and will be getting it in the mail in the next couple of weeks... yay!
I think I'll just keep it until the next time I go visit... *crosses fingers that it all comes in smoothly*
