The List Goes On And On...

When you feel the lowest of lows when you get a high it feels like the highest...

When you're in one of the high times the smallest thing can be such a treat...

I know I know wtf am I babbling about today right? lol

There's plenty of times that you've sat there and read about how sad I was... how my heart hurts... and so many other things that seem to have me down and out about stuff...

Not right now... I'm holding onto this major squee I've been working on now as long as I possibly can...

This weekend is the convention weekend where I'm going to be put onto next years cabinet... much too the surprise of my own clubs members... lol can't wait to see their faces...

Half way through April we'll be getting some company for the weekend... I'll be getting the euchre tournament over with... and just having a really good time...

End of May I'll be going on a trip... a much anticipated trip... for so many reasons I can't wait for this trip... I've missed Big Daddy so much... and @whee @ 6 plane rides :)

Seems my family is growing again.. no not that way... I've given up on the whole baby venture...

My family is growing by 5, for two very different reasons... can't say much about it at this point but nevertheless I'm quite happy to include every single one of them into my life...

Life is just looking really good today and it makes me oh so very very happy... so very squee...

And Truth be told I miss you

And Truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face hope it gives you hell

When you walk my way I hope it gives you hell...

Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself, Where did it all go wrong?

But the list goes on and on...

Now you'll never see what you've done to me

You can take back your memories they're no good to me

And here's all your lies, you can look me in the eyes,

With that sad sad look that you wear so well...

When you see my face hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell

When you walk my way hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell

And that is a lovely message to someone whom will most likely never see it for they're too wrapped up in themselves to ever think of anyone besides themselves and how great they are.

ok getting late.... must sleep... so time to pick out the secretzen post for this blog entry...

... you choose...

I was sitting here trying to figure out the lyrics that I should use for this post as the title and I was having such a hard time trying to choose between two particular songs that have been stuck in my head for a couple of days...

California Dreamin' and The Letter

Both have been pretty much accurate as well as stuck in my head, for pretty much the same reason...

It's nice to know that sometimes if you just wait it out and don't do anything rash that the divine will set the world right and in order in due time... you can't force these types of things.

Spring time...

Oh how I do love spring time... the time when you're waking from the hibernation of sorts... waking up from the autopilot or the cruise control that you set to get you through the dark and cold times... waking up to things you didn't realize before... waking up to things that maybe look different now.

This has happened to me a couple of times now this week... and to a couple of others that I know...

Things are in the works now that prove to me that not all of life is downs...

I have things to look forward too in April and May, this coming weekend and so on...

I've had a long last couple of days... but I have enjoyed them... I'm sleepy though so not a whole lot of time to really elaborate... dozing at the keyboard... no time for even a photo or two

Maybe I'll be able to sit do

Staring At The Blank Page Before You... Open Up The Dirty Window... Let The Sun Illuminate The Words That You Could Not Find

What happens when you find someone who is like you nearly every aspect...

Generally people are friends with those who have a couple commonalities with themselves.. keeps a tie there that keeps them coming back for conversation...

~two hours later~

Gah...

I've been trying for two days to write this blog post and can't even begin to get the words out for it...

I'll get it... I will... just not today it seems...

This Will Never End Cause I Want More, Give Me More, Give Me More

Day two of being bed bound in my dark bedroom...

I thank the divine for this laptop so that I don't go crazy...

I've been in so much pain...

Hope it subsides soon or I'll miss all of March break because of being locked away in a dark hole.

"When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
and there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
to make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
but I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
no doubt in my mind where you belong."

... sounds of silence....

Here's a little something something to put you into the mood just before you crawl into bed with your significant other for a nice romantic evening between the sheets... it gets the blood pumping and just gets you so ready for the action...

The Ultimate Sex Song

enjoy.

So I have a bit of news... not that anyone out there is going to know what I'm talking about or even care about it... and I know there's no one that reads this that can put the word out there to those I'm keeping it from until April...

I got a call last night (thank the goddess the phone was in working order) from the new incoming Governor and her husband... She's asked me to be the cabinet chair for Lions Quest and for the International Peace Poster Contest... My name had been recommended too her by someone I know and love dearly... Only down fall besides the amount of work that will need to be done... is I have to go out and get one of those silly plum coloured (more like burgandy) jackets... which will not go with my hair at all... so... for the next Lions year I might go back to blonde... but I dunno haven't decided yet... I'm going to have to price them too see how much they are... would like a nice tailored one... because wow I've seen the other women in theirs and they make you look so blocky and butch...enh... but anyway...

One foot in the door... I can hopefully get to stay on cabinet providing that I'm doing a good job in the chair position appointed too me..

I immediately called my sponsor and told her about it... she already knew sort of... she was one of the ones who put my name in... but now we'll both be on cabinet this year together, and both working with all the schools across the district... :)

Like I said a few might read this and go... um.. what? I mean it sounds like a good thing sort of but...what??

I've been told being on district is much more fun... I hope so... lord knows I could use a bit more fun...

Open Letter...

Though things got figured out ... the cost truly out weighs the gain in my mind...

I love you for doing it... but it hurt my heart to lose what it is I wanted so much.

I hope that you can forgive me for being irresponsible and that we can still do what it is we had started to plan for... I feel like shit because it's not just me that's losing out... that you did too... and you didn't fault me for it, you didn't blame me... you told me you'd take care of it... and you did... but it doesn't make me feel better.. it makes me feel worse...

When you had said 'you never know what will happen' I didn't even think that the 'what' that would happen would be me... *sighs*

I love you and I'm really sorry for being a fuck up...

I have no right to ask if we might be able to in May... but I kinda hope you'll think about the long weekend...

I'm sorry.

Change... ?

Sometimes you have to wonder why it is that everything just can't all go right all at once...

When one thing is going great something else is going to fall down...

and so goes the cycle of life... when one aspect of my life is going along well then something else is going to flub up... and so it has happened...

Everything had been going real well... for over a year now... then a few mismanagements and some carelessness... here I am again...

Communication will be limited to nothing after Saturday... again...

One day I'll get this right and it'll be longer then year... maybe it'll be never again... I had just wanted to give my kids a christmas...

Now apparently is when I get to pay for it with something I love doing...

It’s Not Always Rainbows And Butterflies, It’s Compromise That Moves Us Along, My Heart Is Full and My Door’s Always Open You Come Anytime You Want

so...

where to start...

well in the last week... my father has joined the ranks of those addicted cultists that join facebook... I'm sure he might get addicted to crackbook for awhile as well... I can say that because well... I am... I swear I only use it for the games!

I actually hesitated in adding him to my friends list... there's stuff I've said on there that I wouldn't tell my family... then I figured.. enh fuckit I'm supposedly an adult now... what are they gonna do ground me for being bisexual?!

which that leads me into the next thing that sort of made me realize that my family will never really know like a lot of my friends do... Riding along in the van with my mom and happened to be talking about a friend of mine who is in a hetero relationship but made mention of her working with a LGBTQ organization... she wondered why she would be working with them... I shrugged and said she's bisexual... to which my mother without hesitation responded with 'Ew that's gross.... I thought she was with 'so and so'... and he's ok with that? ew' ... I mean I should have figured that would have been her reaction but still... it hurts to know that your mother would find you gross... So no telling her that I'm bi... definitely no telling her I'm poly... she'd probably start questioning the way she raised me... yeah like it has anything to do with her... *shakes head*

The Man was great about it though was right here after reading my plurk about it waiting with arms wide open and telling me that he loves me... I really needed that.

Told my aunt (who was staying for a couple of days) about it as well... figured if anyone would understand she would. She did.

So the Manchild has turned 13... and still is talking to me... so I'm sort of hoping I'm still doing this parenting thing right...

I have to admit I have been having my doubts... it got to the point at the middle of last week that I was sitting here crying because I don't know how to get through the Boychild that school is important, behaving is important, that he needs to do his work and listen to the teachers... it's been weeks of this... taking away privileges, groundings... went in to speak to the LRT at the school... *sighs* she wants to do some sort of psycho-educational evaluation with him... want us to get him tested for dysgraphia... I just... I don't know what else to do... and I feel like it's my fault... we've gone with an idea the LRT did.. each day that he has a good day he gets a sticker in his agenda, if we don't see a sticker we know there was an 'issue'... first day didn't go so well... last week was better... 4 out of 5 days with stickers... I just wish I knew what's been setting him off... he didn't do this in grade 2 or 1 or either of the K's.... we've been suspecting that he doesn't like the teacher... but... he says that's not it... She's been nice and moved the kids around in the classroom in the hopes that maybe that will help out as well.... so yeah... we'll see how it goes...

Teaching has been going well... the girls are really doing well in their studies... this coming week is energywork again so we'll see how it goes... gonna have to keep them on topic a bit better... and let them know that hanging out after class is cool... but maybe not until 1am... tough though when I'm not saying anything about it...

Ostara coming up... woot to a fertility ritual... but yeah... comes with a bit of pain on my heart... I know we've actively stopped trying for a third but I can't help but still get sad when I get my menses each month... Soon I'll be 32 and I had wanted another before I was 30... *sighs* enh not going to get into that... already have enough sadness on my heart that I need to do away with.

I miss Big Daddy, a little more each day... I can't help but wonder and worry... mostly about how he's doing.. if he's happy and of course if he misses me... *chuckles* yeah I know bit selfish there but... you know sometimes I wonder... but mostly worry about how he's feeling and doing...

Roo-bee-roo and The Man keep me fairly distracted from thinking too much about him... but they both go to bed before me so I still wonder before I go to sleep...

Talking about Roo seems he might be coming to visit again in April... that makes me a happy camper... totally need to find Big Daddy a job in DC... *chuckles*

I can't help but feel absolutely totally blessed to have three such wonderful men love me... and I them...

I keep half expecting someone to walk by.. pinch me... and have me wake up.

Talking about pinching... I went to see Alice in Wonderland in 3D the other day with my aunt and my sister... it was great... I do love me some Johnny Depp ... Helena Bonham Carter was good too... though I do wonder if the lisp she puts on some of her characters is really hers...

hmm... not sure what else to say... oh I'm totally loving plurk... I think I'm more addicted to that then anything else nowadays... probably because there's not a whole lot of people on it that I know... though I do have to confess that some of the private plurks are waaaay fun.

Oh... Also got myself an avatar on imvu... that's been interesting... now instead of going into a chatroom and getting ignored via text you can literally walk into a room full of people and get ignored completely... woo fun... mind you making the avatar is like playing grown up dolls... go shopping and fun stuff... so it's not too bad... figured I'd add a couple of pics of my avi...

Ended up having some strange conversations this week... that started with really strange questions...

1. How do you deal with STD's? - my answer 'I don't get them' *knocks on wood and thanks condoms*

it turned into a question about being promiscuous nowadays and dating and how do you trust guys to give you anything...

2. Do you have Anal sex, and what's so great about it? - my answer 'uh...yeah... uh... I dunno'

That turned into a conversation about pussy tightness vs sphincter tightness... I hate to tell but sphincter will beat pussy in a clenching contest every single time... *whispers* every time.

3. How do you find men who like chubby chicks?! - my answer 'don't be stuck up, lower your standards a bit, don't be so negative...' Ended up that yes talking to a chubby chick but she hates that she's chubby, and it shows, and she's shy or overbearing... she needs to find a middle ground with her approach to men...

Oh and never go to a bar to try to pick up a guy... they'll almost never be the one who's looking for any sort of relationship past 6am...

to The Man... I love you <3>

to Big Daddy... te amo papi <3>

to Roo... ya you know ...

to Squasha... Big Shout Out! yeah you thought I forgot about you eh... you might not be one of my boys but I know that you're still a somewhat regular reader :P

We're Not Perfect.

You might have heard that some papers in the U.K. slammed the Vancouver Olympics. Here is an awesome reply, author unknown.....

We never claimed to be perfect; that means we've learned to be humble. We say "Excuse me" and "I'm sorry" as well as "Please" and "Thank you". Even when it's not our fault, we apologize. Sure, one arm of the torch didn't rise. But when the earthquake struck Haiti, Canadians raised their hands to say, "We'll help." And yes, there is a fence around the torch. But you can walk right up and shake hands with our Prime Minister and most famous Canadians. We put Gretzky in the back of a pick up, in the rain, not surrounded by police, and he was okay. And by the way, the great one is Canadian and HE wasn't complaining! We do have security at the games, of course, but most people don't even have a gun that they have to leave at home. The medals ARE under lock and key but our doors and our hearts are open to the world. It has been pointed out that some buses broke down last week. But let's not overlook the fact that our banking system didn't. We didn't get the "green ice maker" right this time but we will, eventually. Just like we did when we invented the Zamboni.

Citius Altius Fortius

If you don't reach higher how do you get faster and stronger? Was the first quad jump perfect? Should we never have given snowboarding to the world "in case" it didn't take off? So, big deal, one out of four torch arms didn't rise....good thing we had three more! It's called contingency planning! But remember, the Canadarm works every time in outerspace and insulin turned out to be okay! We couldn't change the weather but maybe we can help stop to global warming. We don't have the tax base of the US or the power of the Chinese but, per capita, we ponied up for some pretty kick-ass venues in the worst global recession ever. Sure, some folks couldn't afford tickets but our health care is universal. We have shown the world that we can raise our voices in celebration and song but moments later stand in silence to respect a tragic event....together....spontaneously and unrehearsed. What's more, we don't need permission from anyone to have a slam poet, fiddlers with tattoos and piercings and a lesbian singer tell our story to the world while our multilingual, female, Haitian-born, black head of state, Governor-General Michaele Jean, shares a VIP box with her First Nations equals. We've shown the world that it doesn't always rain in Vancouver. That you can strive for excellence but not get hung up on perfection. And we've learned what it feels like to be picked on by some no-name newspaperman and we don't have to take it lying down! So the point is not the snow, nor the hydraulics nor a couple guys being five minutes late for a ceremony. We know we're lucky that these are the biggest problems we've had to deal with in the last couple weeks. So take your cheap shots, Guardian newspaper and cynics of the world!

We're bigger and better than that. What's more we're finally starting to believe it!