Saved My Life...Twice.

I started this post a few weeks ago...probably a couple months ago now since it's nearly October...and I didn't have it in me to share it with anyone... I'm not sure why I am now... but I need to put it out there.


For awhile a lit bit ago... I was very seriously depressed and locked within my own head... it was very hard for me to deal with it.

I went to work...went to derby...went to the gym...went to bed... that is how my schedule has been for the last few weeks.

I have a job that takes very little brain power...so for an extreme over thinker such as myself it left my brain free to think about everything and over think everything as well.

I try very very hard to hide my depression when I'm in the midst of a spell of it like that.
I don't want for my friends and especially my family to see how dark my thoughts can be.
The idea of them knowing scares me a bit...what if they reject me because of those thoughts...or even worse try to have me committed because of them.

I joke around with some of my friends by saying stuff like 'I need adult supervision...' when doing something as easy as putting on sunblock.

A couple of weeks back I went to the beach twice with Sugarbear (...I really do need a new nickname for him...and soon...) in the span of a week. The first time a blanket was brought and some refreshments and we stayed for awhile...
I swam out and just kept swimming until I looked back at one point and everyone seemed small on the beach...Sugarbear was laying on the blanket. I turned and swam out further and was accompanied with the thought of...if I drown out here there would be no mess to clean up...if I just keep swimming eventually I wouldn't be able to continue...
I turned back and saw SB on the blanket and he was laying with his face turned toward the water...and even if he wasn't looking at me at the time it looked like he was...and I felt a bit guilty, I swam back in...and shortly after that we left.
Ended up having a nice dinner and a nice evening together...but in the back of my mind I knew...I knew that I had wanted to keep swimming and not come back earlier.

The second time I had sent SB a text earlier in the day suggesting we go take a dip in the lake after work. When he didn't answer me by the time after work rolled around I showed up at his place to ask him.

We went...not sure he really wanted to...but I'm glad he came...even though he didn't stay in long...and made it seem like he wanted to leave... I got to have a nice swim...but the urge to swim out in the rough water that day was really strong again...

I had thought several times and contemplated on a couple of occasions about harming myself or committing suicide.

I didn't say anything to anyone. Still technically only told two people.
When I have some people in my life whose response to stories of people taking there own lives is a good riddance type of feeling, it's  hard to work up the nerve to say anything.

The thoughts have gone again and I'm feeling much better again.

However I am quite certain that Sugarbear saved my life twice...

Weigh In #13

Disappointment... I am the epitome of disappointment today...

Yep it's that time again... I did my weigh in and I have to admit I wasn't that great this past month (28 days) there were a few potatoes had...and maybe a candy bar or two and perhaps a bowl or two of rice... so it is my own damn fault  ... I know it is... but I didn't think I'd be gaining nearly 10 pounds because I was still going off to the gym to do my workouts... apparently the doc was right... I can't ever go back to eating any of that stuff anymore...

With that being said time to get my ass back in gear...and I don't know how many times I'm going to say that before gears actually become unstuck...

I've signed up for a 5km run called Run or Dye...so my gym time will be changing and will grow more intense...

The goal that I've set for myself is to actually run/jog and finish the 5km rather then walking it... I know I can walk it... I've done that before no problem even when I was really fat...

I need some better shoes... the shoes I have to work out in suck ass...so yeah... that will hopefully be rectified by the end of the month...or it'll make my training harder...

In somewhat positive news... I go back to freshmeat training on May 7th (next Tuesday) I'm hopeful that will help drop some poundage as well but... it's only an hour of skating per week...but add that to the hour or so I do over in North Townawanda...hopefully it'll help...

However on that front I'm not a happy camper either... because I've been frustrated with myself lately because I don't feel like I've been getting better with my skating and there's a few things I've attempted and not be able to complete out of fear... when you break something it leaves you a little leery about doing stuff on it... I know in my head I'm just going to have to punch through that wall of fear and do it... at this point if I break something else then I know I'm just not cut out to be a derby girl...

Guess I should stop stalling and post my disappointment for the world to see...

Ankles - L 9.25 (same) R 8.25 (same)
Calves - L 14.25 (-1) R 14.25 (-1)
Thighs - L 21.5 (-0.25) R 21.5 (-0.5)
Wrists - L 6.25 (same) R 6.5 (+0.25)
Forearms - L 9.75 (-0.5) R 9.75 (-1)
Biceps - L 11.75 (-0.75) R 11.75 (-0.25)

Hips - 41.5 (+0.25)
Belly - 40.5 (+1.75)
Waist - 33 (+1.5)
UnderBust - 33.25 (+0.5)
OverBust - 39.75 (+0.25)
Neck - 13.75 (same)

Weight - 179.5lbs (+4.9lbs)
BMI - 33.02 (+0.89)


Ayep... I'm miserable.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

It's not that I haven't had a whole lot to say it's more like I've had so much to say that I just haven't wanted to sit down and type out all the feels that have been happening for the last few months...normally I would sit and open up completely to my blog in a post but lately I've been very hesitant to do that in fear of those in my life who read it thinking they know better then I and making decisions based on stuff from here...

What happens with my blog posts is 'usually'...I feel something strongly I blog about it and generally the anxiety that comes from those feels goes away...like draining a wound...before it builds up too much pressure and explodes...ick nice visual there...

Well I haven't been doing that...all the anxiety has been building up and making me feel like I'm going crazy... panic attacks, depression, and lots of anxiety related issues...

Avoidance and 'trying to forget about it' had been working very well...but then I noticed that as more stressors came along my reserve would start to crack a bit...and as it cracked more and more that's when things started to affect me even more...

I would get the shakes and be paralyzed, my heart would be racing and my breathing shallow and even a bit laboured as tears would fill my eyes... or I wouldn't be able to catch my breath and would start to panic and start crying... or I would fall into these moods where nothing seemed to matter anymore, where no reason was ever good enough to do something because 'why bother we're all going to die and no one will even notice we were here eventually'... or I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything anyone was saying to me...they might as well have been Charlie Brown's teacher. I could see their mouths moving and hear their voices but nothing they said would make sense to me so I would just shrug and walk away...

The situations I was reliving over and over in mind were enough to drive me batty... I'm here, I'm not here then I'm here again...and it could happen as fast as a blink of the eye or...as slow as an hour... I would forget where I was and where I was going or why I was going there...

I would forget about caring.

I kept all this from everyone around me...especially the Man...

I didn't want him knowing how broken I was feeling...I didn't want anyone to know that I was a lot more broken then I was... and maybe I didn't even realize just how broken I had become

It obviously became more and more evident to me and I was still trying to keep it to myself and say that I was fine... but I wasn't.

Still not, I suppose. However, I'm alright with that. It hasn't made me too insane and I haven't gone catatonic so... I'm not 'that' broken.

I also hadn't been putting anything here because the last time I did I got a message from Squasha asking if I was still hung up on Private Pyle and the last time I talked to Bing about any of this his attitude was 'it's been 3 months what the hell? get over it'

I claim all fault for my own... I no longer say He broke my heart... I know it was my own fault... I know that it was all because of me.

Not going to throw blame around.

I am the one that fell in love.
I am the one who believed in fairy tales, love songs, rom coms...
I am the one that believed I could have a happy ending.
I am the one who believed that happiness could be mine.
I am the one who believed everything he ever said.
I am the one who made up the fantasy that maybe just maybe my love could change someone.
...and so on...

They say talking helps...apparently that is not something that he follows so I'll find another way.

Probably wasn't exactly the best thing to say to him but it was true when I told him I wanted to have the type of Friendship I have with DrunkenMonkey with him.

*shrugs*

We talk about life, our families, our significant others, our kids, our hobbies...we're friends. I don't think Bing really wanted to continue to be friends, can't seem to have conversations like that with him. We did talk like that once, a long time ago...but I think that was more of an act, part of the chase, part of him trying to make himself feel like he's still got it so to speak. Which makes me a bit sad, because, again, I believed him when he said we still would be talking and friends when I left, I knew I should have just followed my instincts and figured I'd never talk to him again.

Oh well.

When it comes right down to it... I'm a tiny ant on a giant rock hurling it's way through space until it's accompanying star decides to die out and I freeze to death with the rest of the little ants.
;) (that's right sometimes I am a joy) lol

I've been keeping myself busy...going out with Burton...going to the gym...going to watch practices...going out with Piper...just trying to get out a lot...

We're talking about moving...not the big move to B.C. that'll take time and some money...but downsizing to something more affordable housing wise so that we can put more money away toward the big move... One does not simply pick up and move into BC...lol

I think it would be really good for me to get out of this house as well... a lot of changes of stuff and what not have happened here in the last few years...but it's still the house that he was at...

So I suppose part of it is downsizing the other part is running away from a ghost that haunts me here. Either way they're both really good reasons to me.

 I don't believe I'm mopey... I believe I have finally been broken of my optimism and have been turned into a realist now...

For now I'll write what I need to...I'll write what I want...I will no longer feel responsible for how others take what I write. (and maybe later I'll actually write about stuff that's happening outside of me)

Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love. ~Christian (Moulin Rouge)

Too...many feels.

All Because I Wanted A Drink Of Water...

So I was off my skates for a couple of weeks because I tweaked my knee...
On Tuesday I went with a group of girls to Hamilton to the skatepad...and on Wednesday I went with a couple of girls over the river to the Rainbow Rink... I was feeling really good...there was still a twinge now and then in my knee but I felt ready to go back to practice on Friday...

I didn't go down for the knee falls on Friday but managed everything else...and I decided to refrain from scrimmaging because I didn't want to go down hard on my knee and possibly fuck it up more.So there I was sitting there with Anya watching the scrimmages and then when she decided to get up and join in I moved over a bit. I sat watching and then looked over at the boards to my water and wanted a drink.
So I started to get up and didn't really realize until halfway standing that my left foot was fast asleep. It all happened in that one moment...my going oh fuck...cause my foot was asleep at the same time that it started to buckle...and then as I started to go down my next thought was for my knee and how I didn't want to land on it...

so snap went my foot under me and I onto my foot...

I knew something was wrong as soon as I felt/heard the pop.

I asked one of the girls nearby to get Titan (she's an emt) she came over and was talking to me about what happened and everything...as soon as I took off my helmet she suggested that I lay down...apparently I had gone as white as a sheet and looked woozy... She kept me from passing out twice...all the girls were real helpful...three off skate girls went to go pick up The Man so that he could drive me (in our car, which I had at practice) to prompt care...

When The Man showed up, as soon as I saw him I wanted to start crying...I saved it...it took a few minutes for he and another guy to get me out to the car...and it just seemed like it took everything I had to get to the car...
So went to prompt care instead of the hospital because we knew the wait would be less and that I'd still be able to get x-rayed there...

so got wheeled around...didn't really cry until I went in to get xrays...finally said to the woman...could you please stop touching my foot...tell me where you need it and I'll put it in that position as tears were running down my cheeks...

after the xrays went to the casting room where I figured I'd get a splint and cast and be sent on my way...while waiting for the doc to come in a lady came in, just bringing supplies into the room...then she came in again...I exhaled and said 'gah...everytime you  come in I think it's the doc coming in' and chuckled...

she apologized and laughed as she said she had to come in two more times...she did...then the doc came in...

he informed me that the doc over at the General wants me in there with my xrays in the next 45 minutes...because he'll decide then if he's going to get me in for surgery tonight or the next day...it was like cold water...I was like.. 'um..surgery?'

so they splint and wrapped up my leg from toes to knee gave me my paperwork and wheeled me out to the car where The Man drove me over to the General Hospital and I got all signed in...then they wheeled me down to that cast room where I laid there...waiting...

Alex (some ortho med student) came down and talked to me...asking me all the same questions that everyone else had already asked...poked my ankle a few times...and then said he was going to get the doc...they had just finished up a surgery but had heard about me while they were in surgery and he had only quickly looked at my xrays...

In comes the doc with the med student...and proceeds to poke my ankle...and ask the med student every question the student had just asked me...doc took a good look at my ankle then at me and said he was going to double check the xray...came back a few minutes later and nodded...while saying that he doesn't feel comfortable leaving it where it's at to splint and cast it...it's off just enough from the break that he wants to go in and put a plate in with a couple screws...

Got hooked up to an IV where I was given morphine for the first time while at the hospital...holy shit.
had to go through blood tests, another set of xrays (for my chest)...at this point I was waiting for the porter to take me back to the casting room so this woman walks up and says 'all done?' as she starts to wheel me back...where I scrunched up my face pointed at her and said...'wait a sec? aren't you the lady that was walking in and out of the casting room over at Prompt Care?' she winked and said 'good eye..yep I am' of course I then asked her if she was stalking me...then the waiting came...for a bed...I sent The Man home at 2am...got pushed out into the hall (on my gurney) at about 3am...at 4am I was looking for more meds...night nurse gave me more morphine...and by that time was calling for the porter and complaining that I had been waiting for a couple of hours now to be taken up to my room...

I felt bad...because really if I wasn't laying on a bed in the hall I'd just be laying on a bed in a room so wasn't much of a difference to me...*shrugs* what it came down to though is that there was only one porter on at that time of the day and she'd been running her ass off all night...

Next day I woke up though in a haze of morphine...they weren't giving me anything to eat or drink because I was definitely on the schedule for surgery...and from what I remember I was having an Open End Reduction Surgery on my left fibula just above my ankle...click the link if you're interested in seeing what happens...it's animated not an actual surgery...
I was still pretty 'high' on morphine when they took me to surgery...so I didn't end up freaking out too much...though when they strapped me down with my arms spread out I did get in a joke about being Jesus before slipping into the black void...when I came to I immediately started asking where The Man and Big Daddy were (that confused them a bit since they knew there was only one person in the waiting room and that it was The Man)...started asking for them both and saying I wanted them...then I realized and guess just started asking for The Man...one of the nurses finally explained that I had to wait another 30 minutes before I could see him...and then asked how long we'd been married...I smirked and said that'd we've been together 14 years...she seemed surprised that I was so adamant about wanting him with me...

So there I am laying in bed after surgery, still under the influence of morphine and sporting my monkey slipper on my good foot. Obviously still hooked up to my IV...I'm wearing black shorts under my gown and for some reason it looks like I have no tits.

So I had to stay in the hospital until Monday because the surgeon said he wanted me to talk to the physio people and they weren't in until Monday. So there I lay Sunday and most of Monday, didn't see the therapist until Monday afternoon, and as it was she walked into my room and said 'Um...were you waiting for physio, because you weren't on my schedule..' - um excuse me?

I waited until  2 in the afternoon to have a woman take me to the staircase and get me to hop up two steps and hop down two steps. I wasn't exactly impressed.
However she apparently was as she kept commenting on how strong I seemed to be.

If/when I get my xrays (I'm going to see if I can have copies) I'll have to see about posting them. And I'm liking going to freak out the surgeon by saying I want to take pictures of my stitches and leg when it comes out of this heavy-ass cast. I'm really hoping that the air cast my leg will be going into will be lighter.

I've been having muscle spasms in my legs because this one is so heavy, and because of standing on my right leg a lot.

So that's the story of that...it was late but meh...took me a week to type it.

Life Goes On...

This stupid cough won't go away...I'm not on the anti-biotics anymore...my cooch is very happy about that...and my sinuses seem to be fine...but this stupid cough is hanging on for dear life it seems...which sucks...it's affecting my skating...went out the other morning to work on my endurance and ended up hacking up a lung...it makes me a little nervous as I have one week from today to get up to par for minimums...

Yes I am still worried about them...Big Daddy told me not to be that I was going to do fine and even if I didn't pass it wouldn't be the end of the world...and I agree that yes in theory the world will not end and I will not die if I don't pass...but it will still make me feel very sad and that I'm not good enough...after last nights meeting and hearing a couple of horror stories from last weeks batch for minimums...maybe I should have just done it last week...just to get it over with...but I didn't feel as though I were ready enough to take them...although I'm sure if I felt ready I would end up on my ass...*shrugs*
I dunno... I'll go and do my stuff (hopefully without falling)...for the endurance part I'll pop in my ipod and just go for it as best I can...
I'll try to stop losing sleep over it...

the latest uproar with derby seems to be the colours/jerseys/logos/practices/money... lol
so like everything...depending on who you talk to depends on which complaint you'll get... with me...it's money... we were promised they wouldn't just drop it on us a day before money is due for stuff...and I was fine with that...get into a schedule and routine about monthly dues and it shouldn't be an issue...

what was an issue for me was...we were told it would be $60 for our shirts and to bring it to the girl in charge of it at next practice...like 2 days before...turns out that didn't happen...so we got an email yesterday telling us that the shirt cost is now like $88 or 86 or something like that ($85.88 - just checked)  because we have to have two shirts...umm why?? this is a 'house' league...that's not really a home and away...so wtf?? and ontop of that all dues have to be paid before the first...ok...so a lot of us took that as 'Hi...We need $125.88 on Friday' we got the email yesterday....so there was a bit of an uproar...I too was in that uproar...I was just uproaring at home...at the Man and a little bit to Burton...and listened to a bit more uproaring at my meeting later on last night...my thought this morning? - fuck it...if I have the money then I'll give it to them...if I don't then I explain to them that I can get it to them but that I don't have just a few hundred bucks sitting around or anyone I can borrow it from... turns out...I will have it...but they need to stop dropping expensive shit on us with 2 days notice...as it is they set it up that we pay $60 of our shirts now so that they can be ordered...and then the remainder of it when they're about to be shipped...

I'm just really thankful that the Man isn't a fucking asshole...he could've told me to go fuck myself when it came to trying to get the money for this...

Talking about that though...he needs to stop acting like a fucking asshole...snapping at me today like he's some sort of pissed off turtle...snapping at the Boychild... because the two of them are exactly the same...you snap at them and they will start snapping back...vicious cycle...this morning...don't know wtf was wrong with him but he was just giving me attitude until he left...I knew if I snapped back at him though it would have been me snapping a fist into his mouth...so just stayed calm and tried to not give him attitude...

now I don't remember what else I was going to talk about... so I'm going to go to the store because I need some elastics for my hair and I'm feeling ill... so...I'll write more later if I am so inclined...

There doesn't seem to be anyone around...

Yeah... so I'm a dumbass... came across this article in the local news... and read it and thought WTF?! and then linked it to my Facebook account... with of course my opinion on the subject within...

So after a few people made comments... my aunt made a comment about it being a joke... So I went back to the article and looked at the date... the spot I had looked the day before and sure enough it was now today's date... and I hung my head and mumbled... "I'm a fucking door knob" ... but I just shrugged it off and left the article up so that everyone could get a laugh out of the fact that apparently I had fallen for a silly April Fools joke put out by an isp...

So yeah... like I said... I'm a dumbass...oh well ;) seems it gave a few people a chuckle... so at least I could do that...

I"m sitting here...watching a show I've already watched... why you ask... well because a guy in the show seems to have the same heart condition I have... and they gave him a medication for it to stop his episodes... (WTF??) there's medicine that could help?? so I'm waiting around just to see if I could catch the name of the medication...so that I can look into it... again you ask why... well... because I got a referral to the cardiologist I wanted to go see.. yeah... my god damn fucking appointment is in September... I wanted to cry when it came in the mail...seriously...September? I've just sort have been left speechless... Probably going to call his office and get on some sort of waiting list for cancellations... or something... I truly don't believe he's that booked up...

... other updates to do... too exhausted to make 'em now...

I'm not just playing a guitar....I'm playing a guitar that sounds like dolphins.

Sitting here watching American Idol ... yeah it's my dirty little secret... but it's music so you should figure it hides somewhere in my life... not that it's my only dirty little secret...but I'm not sharing those tonight... ;)

I was saying before how I had a bunch of stuff on my mind... just seems like if I started typing about it that I'd never stop and as I've said before I've been told that my blog posts are too long sometimes...

well first and foremost... totally got my Starbucks cherry popped tonight... and that was a memorable experience... Burton and I went after going with her to get some groceries... I got a Chai Tea Latte... and was introduced to Red Velvet Whoopie Cake...  both were equally delightful!


I'm not going to go into what Big Daddy's going through at the moment as it's not my business to share... but I just wish that I could be there to hug him when he needs one and to try to him out however I could... I heart you Big Daddy and hope beyond hope that everything works out for you.

Now to weigh in about Japan... well ya had to know I was going to say something about it...

Some of the reactions to the Quake/Tsunami/Nuclear Power Plant stuffs that I've seen in my journeying through the interwebs have been nothing short of disheartening...especially those reactions from our neighbours to the south... some of the ignorant things I've seen people say just make me want to cry... whatever happen to compassion for your fellow man?

I came across a link to an image that someone put together a bunch of status messages from facebook... the common factor was (two actually) all American... and all were saying how all of this happened/is happening to Japan as payback for the Japanese bombing Pearl Harbour... WTF?! I was just so fucking sickened by all of them... there was over 50 status msgs just on this one image... I cannot believe that any one would say that... the ignorance that has come to light is just disgusting... People commenting about how the President is dumb/stupid/retarded/a terrorist (yeah that one floored me) all because he was sending aid to Japan...
Does the general populace of the States have selective memory recall? do those particular people forget about Hiroshima? H Bombs?
*shakes head*
I just don't get it. It's a grudge held onto by people who weren't even around when it happened.

The comments about how it was God doing it...(several reasons given) but pretty much that God would never do anything like that to a Christian country like the States... rly? wtf?

My heart goes out to all those in Japan who are affected...hell my heart goes out to the world right now...as we'll all be affected by this for some time. I think it's wonderful how countries from across the world have gotten together to help out in this time of need.

*deep breath...inhale...exhale....* and now... I'll move on before I digress further...

It made me angry today when I found out that a friend of mine that works at a medical facility, of sorts, was at work when they had no water... none... no facilities for bathroom needs, not able to wash their hands, no running water... so decided to do something about it... hopefully something comes from it...

Since my last post... the Man has moved into the temple for bed time... (the room next to our bedroom)... it's been really kind of odd, hugging him good night and then going separate ways to go to sleep... and I've always said that people who sleep in separate beds are just really odd... yeah... I stick to that.
He asked how I had slept the first night we were apart... I told him that when I finally got to sleep it was good...but I could hear him snoring through the wall... *sighs*
So when he goes back to the Respirology doctor he's going to see if they'll lower the machine so it doesn't hurt when he wears it at night... he too doesn't like sleeping in separate beds. Which..I'm thankful for.
Too bad his next appointment isn't until July 25th... *facepalms*

Got to play with an ipad this past week when in Future Shop getting the boys birthday presents... oooo I liked it... but then again I like the idea of the tablets...

gah... it's taken me hours to get this post out... I'm getting really tired now that it's nearly 1 am...

I'm done for now... update on doctor, the movies and working out maybe tomorrow...

How Long Is To Long To Care?

I think I'm done...

for those who know me and will read this ... the comments of  'it's about time' will probably come up...

The Drunken Monkey had come back into my life... as I've said in other posts he had apologized to me for being such a douchebaggy dick head all those years ago, asked if we could be friends (to which I responded with alright after his explanation of how he didn't have any left anymore)... I know I'm not the first person to be friends with their exes... I much prefer that to having hatred toward someone...



He's always had a bit of a drinking problem... hence his name... it used to be used to blow off steam.. but now it just seems like every time I'm talking to him he is so drunk and high on meds...I don't take the bullshit answer of it was because of having been in the military... yeah sure I know how the American military can really fuck up the men and women that end up naively signing up...

There's been a few times where he's told me that part of the reason he drinks is to deal with the pain and memories of his past and his past fuck ups... I get that... as someone who used to drink everyday to numb it all I understand it all to well... but there's a time when you have to stop, get through the pain of it all and get on with live and getting drunk on a couple bottles of vodka just isn't going to do it...

I have to keep from crying as I remember how he used to be and what it is that he's turned into... I complain to him that he only ever calls me when he's drunk and or stoned on his meds... but he assures me that the only time he drinks is the nights he calls me... I call shenanigans on that shit... then the other night he drunk skypes me and I again mention the drinking and how he needs to stop... and he tells me that when talking to me is when he feels like drinking... that I make him have the need to drink...

Tonight I'm in the midst of a normal conversation with someone else and all of a sudden up comes my skype and it's him... totally fucking wasted... talking to me about how he's started a vlog... he recorded 5 videos in one night... and you could see the progression... or I should say the digression from totally sober and funny, to drunk and dumb...

He's very charismatic... drunk or sober... could likely sell a freezer to an eskimo... I find my heart so heavy after talking/listening to his ramblings... and discussing his drinking again...it doesn't help that he seems to genuinely care about my opinion about everything except his drinking... I just want to cry...

And it has nothing to do with being in love with him or anything like that ... I know that I'm not anymore... I do care for him on some level or else I would so easily be able to turn my back on him and let him pickle himself...

it's like I have this ridiculous notion that I could help him...and I guess that's what saddens me the most...

I told him that if talking to me makes him feel the urges to drink then maybe I should just not talk to him anymore... then he'd have no reason to drink anymore... he just went into some rant about how the raspberry vodka he had tasted like shit so he was going to just guzzle that one but the cotton candy vodka he would sip because he actually liked the taste of it... didn't even hear what I had actually said...

*sighs*

I think I need to call him when he's sober and have a talk with him about no longer talking to him when he's been drinking... I'm tired of feeling sad and on the verge of crying after talking to him...

Srsly?

some online men just equal epic fail...

so in the same vein as some of Krammit's blog posts... here goes a real 'speshul' one... oh yeah...

Today at 12:13pm

Joe

We should make out some time lol

Today at 12:15pm

You

o.O - why?

Today at 12:16pm

Joe

Lol...why not? Hehe text me 3478601180

Today at 12:26pm

You

maybe because I don't just make out with random people...I have no idea who you are.. and I'm taken twice over... that's why not... so no I don't think I"ll be texting you...

This guy is a prime example of what a lot of women will run into on the internet.... Joe... name not changed nor has the number... so if you are a 'speshul' kinda gal who wants to text Joe, well go ahead, I'm sure he would love to hear from you...

And that really is the entirety of the conversation... that was his ice-breaking approach to me... *shakes head*

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay... Awake when I'm asleep

You thought I was joking when I came out of the bathroom logged in to tell you in front of your online friends that I was displeased with what just happened... you laughed it off... you made it seem like it was no big deal... well it was.

I may fall asleep afterward and that might seem like a bad thing, but I fall asleep right after because I'm at a place where I'm content and comfortable, and it usually only happens while you're still around...

To come out of the bathroom to find you on the couch and latched onto your new addiction instead of coming back to bed with me... just reaffirmed what I was already thinking when you said you weren't tired...

IMVU is not the whole world... I was on it as a way to just do nothing with my brain for the night... you were on it when I woke up, you were on it after you came home from the store and while we watched a movie, you were on it straight until we went to bed... and then... afterwards you went out there and sat down and logged on it again rather then coming to cuddle or even just lay in bed with me...

tell me how does that feel... is this pay back for my insomniac episodes where I wouldn't come to bed because I would get frustrated and angry and toss and turn because no matter what I couldn't fall asleep?

And how about you... Mr. get me all set up and then 'ok go have fun I'm going to be over here with someone else'... can't even seem to work up enough oomph to log into WE so that we can rp but you can push me aside so that you can go rp on Spin Dizzy... knowing that I had no idea who anyone was or even what a lot of the commands there are... literally just tossed me in with a pack of wolves... sure I probably could have just logged out and not gone back but I was curious I just didn't realize I would have to meet like 15 others all by myself knowing nothing about the game...

Or how about you... you log in and you tell me all about the gold digging sluts who find you on plenty of fish and how they insult you... and I talk to about how crappy that is... and then totally avoid me for two days... only to find out that yeah you got my messages but you would rather play WoW, then talk to me for a couple of minutes when I need an ear...

What about you... Mr in the fucking country can't even be bothered to pick up a telephone and say 'Hey, I'm here family is great, won't be able to see ya but wanted to say hi' ... and then you wonder why I'm a little bit cold when you finally send me a message a few months later...

And you... I tell you that I really am just going to need a friend and that maybe 'persuing' me could you know take a back burner, since we're so much a like that maybe just maybe I could use someone unbiased to be an ear for me so that I can sort a few things out... you say 'yeah sure Rae no problem I can do that' and then fucking disappear... right yeah... not impressed with you either...

And to the three out of the four of you... you better fucking shape up and get your acts in gear or you're all going to be in for a big surprise... I'm not wasting my time week after week to see the three of you fiddle fucking fart around and not take this shit seriously... I have as you can tell, way more on my plate that could use my attention...

Riiight... and you two... oh yes, you two... fuck off, leave me alone. You don't read my blog and I really don't think I'd care at this point if you did, I'm sick of you two acting like small children who had their ball taken away, you're not the end all and be all, you are not the almighty and all powerful you think you are... get over yourselves and grow the fuck up already, you're older then me for christ's sake...

Can you tell it's been a great week... all I can say is this last week has made me want nothing more then to take this trip next week... omg I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to this trip to Reno... only down point is it's only the weekend... but fuck that I'll take what I can get right now...

I miss you...

Open Letter...

Though things got figured out ... the cost truly out weighs the gain in my mind...

I love you for doing it... but it hurt my heart to lose what it is I wanted so much.

I hope that you can forgive me for being irresponsible and that we can still do what it is we had started to plan for... I feel like shit because it's not just me that's losing out... that you did too... and you didn't fault me for it, you didn't blame me... you told me you'd take care of it... and you did... but it doesn't make me feel better.. it makes me feel worse...

When you had said 'you never know what will happen' I didn't even think that the 'what' that would happen would be me... *sighs*

I love you and I'm really sorry for being a fuck up...

I have no right to ask if we might be able to in May... but I kinda hope you'll think about the long weekend...

I'm sorry.

Change... ?

Sometimes you have to wonder why it is that everything just can't all go right all at once...

When one thing is going great something else is going to fall down...

and so goes the cycle of life... when one aspect of my life is going along well then something else is going to flub up... and so it has happened...

Everything had been going real well... for over a year now... then a few mismanagements and some carelessness... here I am again...

Communication will be limited to nothing after Saturday... again...

One day I'll get this right and it'll be longer then year... maybe it'll be never again... I had just wanted to give my kids a christmas...

Now apparently is when I get to pay for it with something I love doing...

See The Light That's Right Before My Eyes

I think sometimes that some of you forget...

I see you.

*points finger at a couple of you*

I see you log on, what you've read, how long you were here and which door you left through.

do you think I'm fuckin stupid?

Enjoy.

*laughs*

And So I Cry Sometimes When I'm Laying In Bed Just To Get It All Out What's In My Head...

nails says, "46 would be big enough for my apartment, but not for my ego"

nails is compensating

nails says, "for your small penis?"

nails says, "oof"

nails says, "you should go for a 70"."

Sorad says, "I have a 55" CRT rear-projection. It is very bulky."

nails nods

nails has DLP rear proj

nails says, "I didn't want to pay an extra grand for a flat screen with worse contrast"

You say, "I only have a 15 inch crt, does that mean I have a huge penis?"

nails says, "Dwy, satellites can see your junk from space"

Tiamat admires Dwy's junk

Sorad says, "Is that what keeps hitting me in the ey?"

nails touches Dwy's junk. without getting up off the couch. in NH.

Sorad says, "It knocked a damned 'e' off."

Dwyvach loses it laughing.

You say, "I almost choked on my popcorn"

nails says, "are you just going to do guitar? skip the whole kit?"

You say, "thanks I needed that, helps make me forget my arm is killing me"

nails hugs Dwy. "you strained it? had to pee?"

Sorad says, "Or masturbate?"

Sorad shudders.

Dwyvach laughs and shakes her head

You say, "Nah nails can do that for me in NH"

nails says, "I just tickle the tip. Sorad works the shaft."

Narkash says, "Masturbation takes a team of 250 strategically placed throughout the Mid-Atlantic region"

I know longer feel comfortable posting personal stuff here, which would explain the long bouts of silence....

there's a couple of people that no longer even speak to me that read my blog and then decide to spew hate about me behind my back...

So... so much for my own place on the web... enjoy any of the stuff I do decide to put up.

The Day Has Finally Come!!

I have slowly over the last 10 years or so been brainwashed, molded and been shown how to be a true geek.

From learning about computer software,
the differences in OS's,
to the hardware and putting together computers on my own now,
shopping and having a wishlist on ThinkGeek.com,
play online text based rp'ing games and staff on one!

I have been rising through the ranks of geekdom and have completed my geek training. Today I was awarded my reward for completing my training and embracing completely my geekhood.

*DRUMROLL PLEASE*

So yes I now have my glasses and the man now has his as well...

*cue graduation music*

I'm ready to take on my advance geek training... switching to Linux, making snide remarks about Microsoft, complaining that not everyone uses linux and linux based programs and try to convert all whom I come into contact with, reading/writing/and understanding all programming languages and make jokes about those who don't, and writing my own rpg!!

And then and only then after graduating from my schooling for Advanced Geekdom then I will be able to wear the coveted Pocket Protector!!

You know you've got it if it makes you feel good...

Ok so I'm fucking pissed in this one...

figured I'd warn ya first.


Ok so we had another game tonight... we lost 4-2 ... thats a bit heart breaking for the kids and coaches... however when you have a ref that can't hear/see what the other coach is doing you just want to kill them both...
This asshole coach on the other team was encouraging his kids to trip, check, elbow and fall our team members. And the kid on the other team that was the best, never sat the entire game.
Shit like that pisses me off - they are 7 and 8 years old, and this dumbass is teaching them bad sportsmanship... *sighs*
I can't wait to talk to the convener about this shit... and I'll warn every other coach that goes up against this guys team.

Soccer at ages 7 and 8 is for fun, at the end of the year everyone gets a trophy and they have a big pizza party... heck even my eldest's team gets all that and that's the 11 to 13 age group.

I have to just sit back and shake my head at this coach because all he's doing is ruining it for the kids on his team.

On another soccer note, Gambit's team lost their game on Sunday... 3 to 2...

I should change the name of my blog to 'The Ramblings of A Soccer Mom' this summer you'll probably hear a lot about soccer since both kids are in it. Feel free to come back in September ;)

There's some other shite bothering me too, but I've chosen to not really talk about it here.

Things I want to know...

How do you think you'd feel if someone moved into your neighbourhood and started telling you that what you believe is wrong?

Now what if they started withholding your food, and told you that what you believe is absolutely wrong and that you have to start believing what they do in order to get your food?

How long would it take you to tell them that you believe what they do?

Would you tell them that you believe what they do in order to get the food and still practice what you believe instead?

and yet it has and still happens all over the world ...

Why is that?

Reason #10,569 Why I Love My Guy

Laying on our bed watching a movie the phone rings at 7:30pm.

oh wait gotta back up for a second.

So I have what's called 'Call Privacy' on my phone. Pretty much if you call me with a blocked number you get a message first that states that I have this service and that you have one of two options you can choose at that point.

Option 1 - Press the * key to release the id of your phone number, which will then pop up on my id screen.

Option 2- Press # and type in a phone number, which will pop up on my id screen

Keeping that in mind I'll continue...

So the phone rings and Raistlan jumps up to answer it, now a lot of the time he reads out the number if it doesn't seem familiar to him and I'll tell him who it is if I recognize the number.
He rattles off the number on the display and as I'm processing the number which in my head a little voice is going 'Wait a second we know this number' - then out it slips as he's pressing the talk button "That's our phone number" in an odd questioning kind of way.
This is what I hear as I say that

*beep* (of talk button being pressed) "I know that I am not calling myself" in a 'don't be fucking stupid' kind of way coming from Raistlan *beep* (of the off button being pressed)

I lost it, I started laughing so hard I thought I was going to piss myself.
You see one of the collectors that loves calling us seems to think it's more likely that we're going to answer the phone if we see our own phone number on the display. That's the first time either of us had actually answered it though.

We went back to watching our movie after we stopped laughing, but every once in a while one of us would snicker quietly as we thought about it again.

I'm Stupid...

It's a wonder how a guy who's only known me about 2 weeks could possibly know what I need over a guy who has known me for 5 years and another that has for 10 years...

Yesterday I went for my last road test for my drivers license... I've had my license for just a bit over 5 years but hadn't finished all the tests. My license came up for renewal and in order to renew it I had to get that last test done. *sighs* Well I failed.

Yep.. me... the one who's favourite past time is driving... the one who's driven to Montreal... to Georgia... and all over the freaking place... failed my drivers test.

Which means... I lost my license.

No it's not that strict... it's a case of because my license had expired before I did the test I got an extension and this was the do or die kinda thing.

Well as I said... I failed. So had no license.

Oh I can start the process all over again if I want... and have $200... beginners (written) and 1st road test - $125 Exit test - $75...

Well I've been told a few times... Don't stress... It's not the end of the world... *nods*

Ya know.. I realize this... but I should be allowed the time to beat myself up about this... even if I'd like to do it for a couple of days...

So I will stop stressing, and I will continue on, and the world shall not crumble... But I will now lose control of where I go and how long I'm there and when I want to go...

*shrugs*

Let me freak about this for however I deem necessary... honestly this is not the straw that has broken this camels back.

*sighs* I had something else to say but I just don't have it in me...
See ya around

OH MY GOD IT SNOWED IN DECEMBER!!!

"This surprising snow fall today...." says the weatherman
That made me stop and go /:) all I could think was 'Uhhh Helloooo, you live in Canada dickhead and it's December 4th, you fucking idiot, if you were surprised, you were the only one!! the rest of us knew that eventually it'd be here'

We now are the proud owners of about 3 inches of snow, with more falling from the sky... everybody dance and party and celebrate like its 1999!