In 11 days I will be celebrating my 40th birthday...
My birthday is really important to me, more so now then when I was a kid.
I truly believe that I've been living on borrowed time...there's 3 times in my life that I've either flat-lined or been close to dying or the doctors didn't know how I was still alive let alone conscious.
So to me each year is a gift - it's probably why I love so intensely, so fully and why I just take the moments to experience everything I can... from taking a moment to appreciate the cloudiness of the day before walking into the house...to standing in the rain and smiling...literally stopping to smell the flowers when I can...listening to the silence of the night...watching a bug crawl by...feeling - everything.
Overall I am happy with my life, and happy to have it - I'm glad I it wasn't taken from me when I had tried to end it before.
Lately my happiness hasn't been shown outwardly enough for some - I'm really not all bouncy, giggly, and all laughs when I'm happy. I'm much more introspective now. Obviously I laugh or smile at jokes, I just don't feel the need to be goofy to show happiness. Maybe that's me just getting old...lol
I know there's a lot of people out there who just don't care about their birthdays, my father is one of them, and I get that. It's not about presents to me it's about presence. I want to spend my day with people who truly care that I'm alive, that appreciate my presence in their lives, that care that I am still walking this big ball of dirt - with people I love very much.
It's been a struggle, a fight, at times a massive war to get to 40...there's been trauma, abuse of all kinds, medical issues, heart breaks, anxiety, depression, deaths... so you're damn right I'm going to celebrate still being here...I just wish those I love would be too.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 11, 2018
Sunday, November 08, 2015
Appreciation and Expectations
I don't have a hidden agenda or malicious motivations, or even unreasonable expectations when I help my friends out or offer to do stuff for them.
I try to be a good person and a good friend to those I care about.
By helping them out any way that I can that isn't monetary, because face it, I'm broke.
It's very common for me to want to try to fix a situation that might be causing them issues, frustrations or annoyances. Mainly because I want to see the people I care about be happy.
Maybe that's lofty of me to think that I could solve other peoples problems but, in reality I try to only offer help or advice in areas that I think I could help out in.
I don't generally expect anything in return, possibly the ability to call on them in my time of need without thinking that I'm bothering or pestering them, which I generally don't do unless it's an absolute must because I'll feel like a burden to them if I ask for assistance. When I do ask for help in some way though I do try to make it up to them. Buy them lunch, make them a nice dinner, offer up a massage and of course I always let them know that I'm thankful for their help.
I don't really understand people who do things for others just to see what they can get out of them. The people that do the 'Well I helped you with this...so you should do this... for me.'
Or they lord it over you with the 'Well you remember that time that I did this for you.'
That's being a dick...not being a friend.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine with whom I really haven't spoken to in about 9 years. We have said hi how are ya but that's about it over the last few years but never anything too major. I let them know that I was concerned and a bit worried about them because they've been having nightmares quite frequently. They were surprised that I would care at all about what was going on with them or that I would put any thought into trying to help them figure out why they were having them.
I explained that just because we stopped talking and haven't really said much to each other in the last decade doesn't mean I just suddenly one day stopped caring about them.
For the people I care about I wish to be a bright spot in their day...or week...or lifetime. I wish for those I help out, care about and hang out with to smile when they hear my name and say 'she really helped me out when...' or 'she made me feel better when...' Something that makes them have a good thought.
With so much negativity in the world...when there's so many people out there who would rather see us all fail because they're miserable in their own lives... I just want to bring some joy and happiness maybe even some colour to peoples lives...
I read a picture on FB the other day that said 'Don't expect others to do for you what you do for them, their heart isn't like yours.' and also 'Expectations are the downfall of every relationship.'
They both rang very true to me... especially when you read the relationship to mean any relationship you have with any human being... I have a relationship with my kids, my parents, my friends at different levels, and even the relationship I have with myself... it all boils down to the root of the word relationship...relate...how do you relate to others around you and how are they related or relating to you... All my relations... anyway... it doesn't always mean a couple who are committed to each other in a loving bonded sort of way... This is why it's best to know the English language when trying to communicate with others in discussions...but that's another blog for another time...
I realize that I get disappointed in people when I hold them to the expectations that I hold myself at. I expect myself to be thankful and to tell my friends that I love them and that they are important to me and show that by being helpful, remembering small things like their favourite colours or when their birthdays are... I expect myself to show up in support of someone elses loss of a dear family member even if I've not talked to them in 5 years... I expect myself to give pieces of myself away to others even when they have no idea I've done it... I expect myself to respond to a text from someone, even if it's just an acknowledgement to that person that I received their text...
I also realized that some days I need to lower the expectation bar on myself so that I stop wearing myself a bit thin.
I've made myself a very small group of friends...which is bad in a way when three of them live on the West coast of the United States...but hey we do what we can... the other four that I have here...well...they're all dealing with their own shit...and as much as I try to help them out... I know they need to deal with their own stuff on their own at times...and I also know that even though they are in my very small circle of friends of near and dear and I love them... I'm not in theirs.
And sometimes people set an expectation bar pretty high themselves...like when they treat me a certain way I expect that's how they will always treat me... like driving 2 hrs home to spend 4 hours with me before having to go to bed to sleep and then get up for work again the next morning, driving the 2 hours back again... or finding out that I have an achy body after practice so pouring me a glass of wine and drawing me a beautiful bubble bath before giving me a massage... which after time apparently becomes 'oh that sucks...' while they lay on a couch watching a sitcom...
When you lead with one and turn into the second...it brings about disappointment... I'm not saying I always want or need wine, bubbles and a rub... that's exhausting and would become routine...but a little more compassion...
But anyway I digress...
People tend to set their own expectation bars with how they treat you or at least that's what they do with me... Oh you treated me like this...well I guess this is what I can expect from you from now on...
Not saying that right off the bat you should set it low...but you should never set it so high that you can't keep it up...
I got so far down this topic of expectation I totally lost where my original thought was going...lol
I want to bring happiness to peoples lives by helping them how I can. I don't expect a parade in my honour...but a heartfelt and sincere thank you is appreciated...and goes a long fucking way.
I try to be a good person and a good friend to those I care about.
By helping them out any way that I can that isn't monetary, because face it, I'm broke.
It's very common for me to want to try to fix a situation that might be causing them issues, frustrations or annoyances. Mainly because I want to see the people I care about be happy.
Maybe that's lofty of me to think that I could solve other peoples problems but, in reality I try to only offer help or advice in areas that I think I could help out in.
I don't generally expect anything in return, possibly the ability to call on them in my time of need without thinking that I'm bothering or pestering them, which I generally don't do unless it's an absolute must because I'll feel like a burden to them if I ask for assistance. When I do ask for help in some way though I do try to make it up to them. Buy them lunch, make them a nice dinner, offer up a massage and of course I always let them know that I'm thankful for their help.
I don't really understand people who do things for others just to see what they can get out of them. The people that do the 'Well I helped you with this...so you should do this... for me.'
Or they lord it over you with the 'Well you remember that time that I did this for you.'
That's being a dick...not being a friend.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine with whom I really haven't spoken to in about 9 years. We have said hi how are ya but that's about it over the last few years but never anything too major. I let them know that I was concerned and a bit worried about them because they've been having nightmares quite frequently. They were surprised that I would care at all about what was going on with them or that I would put any thought into trying to help them figure out why they were having them.
I explained that just because we stopped talking and haven't really said much to each other in the last decade doesn't mean I just suddenly one day stopped caring about them.
For the people I care about I wish to be a bright spot in their day...or week...or lifetime. I wish for those I help out, care about and hang out with to smile when they hear my name and say 'she really helped me out when...' or 'she made me feel better when...' Something that makes them have a good thought.
With so much negativity in the world...when there's so many people out there who would rather see us all fail because they're miserable in their own lives... I just want to bring some joy and happiness maybe even some colour to peoples lives...
I read a picture on FB the other day that said 'Don't expect others to do for you what you do for them, their heart isn't like yours.' and also 'Expectations are the downfall of every relationship.'
They both rang very true to me... especially when you read the relationship to mean any relationship you have with any human being... I have a relationship with my kids, my parents, my friends at different levels, and even the relationship I have with myself... it all boils down to the root of the word relationship...relate...how do you relate to others around you and how are they related or relating to you... All my relations... anyway... it doesn't always mean a couple who are committed to each other in a loving bonded sort of way... This is why it's best to know the English language when trying to communicate with others in discussions...but that's another blog for another time...
I realize that I get disappointed in people when I hold them to the expectations that I hold myself at. I expect myself to be thankful and to tell my friends that I love them and that they are important to me and show that by being helpful, remembering small things like their favourite colours or when their birthdays are... I expect myself to show up in support of someone elses loss of a dear family member even if I've not talked to them in 5 years... I expect myself to give pieces of myself away to others even when they have no idea I've done it... I expect myself to respond to a text from someone, even if it's just an acknowledgement to that person that I received their text...
I also realized that some days I need to lower the expectation bar on myself so that I stop wearing myself a bit thin.
I've made myself a very small group of friends...which is bad in a way when three of them live on the West coast of the United States...but hey we do what we can... the other four that I have here...well...they're all dealing with their own shit...and as much as I try to help them out... I know they need to deal with their own stuff on their own at times...and I also know that even though they are in my very small circle of friends of near and dear and I love them... I'm not in theirs.
And sometimes people set an expectation bar pretty high themselves...like when they treat me a certain way I expect that's how they will always treat me... like driving 2 hrs home to spend 4 hours with me before having to go to bed to sleep and then get up for work again the next morning, driving the 2 hours back again... or finding out that I have an achy body after practice so pouring me a glass of wine and drawing me a beautiful bubble bath before giving me a massage... which after time apparently becomes 'oh that sucks...' while they lay on a couch watching a sitcom...
When you lead with one and turn into the second...it brings about disappointment... I'm not saying I always want or need wine, bubbles and a rub... that's exhausting and would become routine...but a little more compassion...
But anyway I digress...
People tend to set their own expectation bars with how they treat you or at least that's what they do with me... Oh you treated me like this...well I guess this is what I can expect from you from now on...
Not saying that right off the bat you should set it low...but you should never set it so high that you can't keep it up...
I got so far down this topic of expectation I totally lost where my original thought was going...lol
I want to bring happiness to peoples lives by helping them how I can. I don't expect a parade in my honour...but a heartfelt and sincere thank you is appreciated...and goes a long fucking way.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Not Holding My Breath
I was really angry...no wait...trying to practice precision of language...
I was disappointed, and my feelings were hurt, when I had found out on Sunday that I had been forgotten about again.
Most everyone in my close circle of friends know that I've had a bitch of a time this year (again) trying and training my ass off so that I could pass my minimums testing to play derby again this season. Trials and tribulations...and so forth. Among those who knew what a hard time I was having is my mother and my sister.
Thankfully the Tuesday before the big day I had shown enough improvement in my time for my laps that I was allowed through. I got 24 and a half...was reaching for 25.
However, I digress.
So I find out I'm playing in the second game. I tell my friends and family.
My mother tells me she'll be there...even up until the night before.
Saturday comes and I'm working the penalty box for the first game. I see Baker show up... I see my aunt and uncle show up...
Second game comes around...that's it. Just Baker and my aunt and uncle. Can't see my Sister or Mother anywhere. I keep checking my phone... I gear up and play the first half... I check my phone again... nothing... no calls... no messages... nothing.
I go play the second half...having the time of my life but still in the back of my mind thinking 'where the heck are they...'
I am a mum...so I go back and forth between worry, disappointment, anger...etc.
I send my mum a text when I get to the bar...asking wtf... not quite like that...but...
No response.
I wake up the next morning... I'm fucking sore... I'm really happy... my team won by 2 points...it was a great game...
Then I check my phone.
I had gotten a message from my mum.
I'm sorry we didn't make it to your game. We were decorating Manchilds bedroom and lost track of time. We didn't even eat dinner until 8:30p and that's when I realized I was suppose to be in St Catharines.
Did your team win?
I lost it. It angered me so much to have been forgotten.
I've mentioned it before here on my blog about my childhood and growing up. All my life they would forget about me.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm overly considerate and compassionate at times because of their inconsideration.
Hell my dad didn't even acknowledge that I had game or make any mention of possibly coming. He doesn't let me down, because he never raises my expectations.
Last season... they all made it to 1 game... out of 4.
The man (SB) I was fucking had been more supportive last season then my own parents.
I would have said family there but...my Aunt and Uncle made it out to 3 of my 4 games together...and my uncle came out to the 4th one by himself.
This is why I gather close friends and then consider them family, and have trust issues...lol
Anyway...here's to hoping I might get a couple more friends out willing to watch some derby.
Friday, April 17, 2015
Death Has No Mercy
The moment you find out that you are pregnant...that within your body there is another being that is being formed and sustained by all that you eat and drink, that this tiny bunch of cells is forming and that you will one day get to feel it move within you...
Making it feel as though you have butterflies in your stomach at it's tiny fluttering motions, as it grows and moves...
The swell of your belly getting tighter, making your clothes uncomfortable, breasts tender and swollen, vaginal area swelling and much more sensitive...
That glow taking over and feeling just like the mother goddess as you take pride in the fact that you are now incubating another human being...
And you start almost immediately daydreaming about how you'll raise them...things you'll do with them once they're born...what you'll name them... it has to be something that hopefully they will like and not want to change... you'll dream about them being healthy and happy...
You start to get fiercely protective of them...eating right...not drinking... staying away from smokers and smoking... As they and you grow bigger... they move around kicking and pushing against some vital organs...and you forgive them the pain and discomfort they cause you, because you love them with all your heart...they are a part of you, and you know how cramped they're getting in your belly... you rub your belly in the hopes that they can feel your touch and be comforted while in utero...
Knowing that your heart beat is the loudest thing they can hear, you hope that through those beats they feel the love you have for them locked away in there...
You worry about how you'll keep them safe once you give birth to them... you wonder if they'll grow up well adjusted and knowing how much you fear that the ugliness of the world will get to them too soon... you worry about everyone who may come into contact with them and what they might learn from them as they grow...
At times you wish to just keep them from all the dangers...all the horrors...all the nasty stuff out there...
You're full of joy and worry some days one is more intense then the other and vice versa...
Then... suddenly one day you're not feeling very well... so you stay in bed... the next day you can't remember whether or not you felt the baby kick... you get up feeling a bit better... but constantly putting your hands to your swollen belly as if willing the baby to move... wait...was that a small flutter...or was that maybe a gas bubble...well now you're paranoid...you convince yourself that you felt the small flutterings and go about your day...
You get ready to go to bed... nothing different...you can't get comfortable...you're nearly 5 months pregnant...
Finally sleep comes from sheer exhaustion...even though you still don't feel 100%
You awaken in the middle of the night...in the grip of the most excruciating pain in your abdomen that you have ever felt... some unseen force is reaching through your back, trying to snap your spine in it's lethal death grip...
You try to cry out but the pain is so intense it's stolen your voice from you as the warmth seeps down your legs...your body coated with a slick sickly sweat...
You can barely move the pain is so intense...you manage to sit upright and up onto your knees...but the pain hits again and you double over your swollen belly as if to try to protect your unborn child from the pain you're in...
The black out worthy pain rolls over your body again and you feel like you're going to be sick...but instead of dry heaving you feel this intense pressure in your belly... your eyes fly open in horror as you realize that your body is trying to push out your unborn child...your hand goes between your legs as if you can somehow stop this from happening... there's a slick wetness there between your legs... when you pull your hand back you realize that your hand is now covered in dark thick red blood...
Shock tries to take over your body, it tries to make you pass out...it paralyzes you as your body feels ripped apart again from the body racking pain...your body rebels against your wishes and pushes...squeezing the tiny human being you were growing within your womb...that tiny frail miracle that you dreamed of naming...raising...loving and cuddling...expelling that tiny piece of unlimited potential from your loins...
You're left soaking with sweat, in shock, covered in blood, ready to vomit and the most precious teeny tiny baby....who is a dark blue...there's a cord wrapped around her neck...
She was dead.
Making it feel as though you have butterflies in your stomach at it's tiny fluttering motions, as it grows and moves...
The swell of your belly getting tighter, making your clothes uncomfortable, breasts tender and swollen, vaginal area swelling and much more sensitive...
That glow taking over and feeling just like the mother goddess as you take pride in the fact that you are now incubating another human being...
And you start almost immediately daydreaming about how you'll raise them...things you'll do with them once they're born...what you'll name them... it has to be something that hopefully they will like and not want to change... you'll dream about them being healthy and happy...
You start to get fiercely protective of them...eating right...not drinking... staying away from smokers and smoking... As they and you grow bigger... they move around kicking and pushing against some vital organs...and you forgive them the pain and discomfort they cause you, because you love them with all your heart...they are a part of you, and you know how cramped they're getting in your belly... you rub your belly in the hopes that they can feel your touch and be comforted while in utero...
Knowing that your heart beat is the loudest thing they can hear, you hope that through those beats they feel the love you have for them locked away in there...
You worry about how you'll keep them safe once you give birth to them... you wonder if they'll grow up well adjusted and knowing how much you fear that the ugliness of the world will get to them too soon... you worry about everyone who may come into contact with them and what they might learn from them as they grow...
At times you wish to just keep them from all the dangers...all the horrors...all the nasty stuff out there...
You're full of joy and worry some days one is more intense then the other and vice versa...
Then... suddenly one day you're not feeling very well... so you stay in bed... the next day you can't remember whether or not you felt the baby kick... you get up feeling a bit better... but constantly putting your hands to your swollen belly as if willing the baby to move... wait...was that a small flutter...or was that maybe a gas bubble...well now you're paranoid...you convince yourself that you felt the small flutterings and go about your day...
You get ready to go to bed... nothing different...you can't get comfortable...you're nearly 5 months pregnant...
Finally sleep comes from sheer exhaustion...even though you still don't feel 100%
You awaken in the middle of the night...in the grip of the most excruciating pain in your abdomen that you have ever felt... some unseen force is reaching through your back, trying to snap your spine in it's lethal death grip...
You try to cry out but the pain is so intense it's stolen your voice from you as the warmth seeps down your legs...your body coated with a slick sickly sweat...
You can barely move the pain is so intense...you manage to sit upright and up onto your knees...but the pain hits again and you double over your swollen belly as if to try to protect your unborn child from the pain you're in...
The black out worthy pain rolls over your body again and you feel like you're going to be sick...but instead of dry heaving you feel this intense pressure in your belly... your eyes fly open in horror as you realize that your body is trying to push out your unborn child...your hand goes between your legs as if you can somehow stop this from happening... there's a slick wetness there between your legs... when you pull your hand back you realize that your hand is now covered in dark thick red blood...
Shock tries to take over your body, it tries to make you pass out...it paralyzes you as your body feels ripped apart again from the body racking pain...your body rebels against your wishes and pushes...squeezing the tiny human being you were growing within your womb...that tiny frail miracle that you dreamed of naming...raising...loving and cuddling...expelling that tiny piece of unlimited potential from your loins...
You're left soaking with sweat, in shock, covered in blood, ready to vomit and the most precious teeny tiny baby....who is a dark blue...there's a cord wrapped around her neck...
She was dead.
Friday, January 09, 2015
Whirlwind...
Well...Hello 2015...
Is it really January again already...??
It's felt like the year flew by...even though this past week feels like it just slithered by slower then molasses in a polar vortex...
Segue...so apparently there's another polar vortex coming... but climate change isn't happening right...?
But enough about the weather...
I'm stressed.
I hate being stressed...it affects my eating... my sleeping...my health...my libido...
The Man wants to move. I do and I don't want to move... I just wish that this particular house was in better shape so that the bills would be lower and the house more liveable. And because they haven't done anything about maintaining the house while we've been living here the last 7 years I know that it won't change, that would be the reason that I do want to move.
I just really fucking hate packing, giving notice, trying to find a new place, and starting this all over again. I dislike changing landlords, not because I like this set, but because I hate having to get used to new people governing over the place I live.
I've had so many different landlords and only one or two of them have been understanding and bearable. Understanding in the aspect of letting me possibly change paint colours in the house, and being able to put up pictures without worry of them hounding me that there's 'holes' in the walls. Bearable as in not showing up on the 1st of the month at 8am knocking on my door, but then again not making me have to call you on the 6th of the month saying 'um hello? are you going to come pick this up or what?'
The Man keeps talking about buying a house...um...what? - we have no money saved... we live cheque to cheque to cheque... barely making ends meet as it is... how the fuck does he even figure that we would ever be able to purchase a house...?!
And where the hell are we going to get the money to cover moving costs...??
I also don't want to have to think about this shit in the middle of winter.
I've said it before and I'll say it again... I hate money. It's the one thing that makes me depressed the quickest.
I had been trying to decide if I wanted to stay in derby with my league or going with another league.. It looks like I won't be able to continue derby with any league. It makes my heart sad, I love skating but haven't been able to pay my dues for last month, purchase the required insurance and now it's nearly time to start paying dues again for the month of January... and I just don't have the 110$ to cover all of that.
Had to come up with a deposit for the Boychilds end of the year school trip on top of all the stuff for Christmas...very little warning...that was 50$... and they want another 50$ for a payment for January as well... so there goes my dues.
The Man applied for a job the other day. I'm hoping that he gets it. During the summer when I was working on the farm it was nice to be able to have a tiny bit of a money at all times. Just before the Holidays DD and I went to one of the sex shops in town and I'm seriously considering giving them a copy of my CV... seriously is there any other job more fitting for me... I would get to tell people to fuck themselves, how to do it and what to do with it...
The holidays were ok...started off great which I posted about in the last post...then went a tiny bit sideways last week...
Sugarbear went up north to visit his family from the 23rd to the 28th... he had been talking about possibly coming home for the evening of the 29th... I found out while he was up there that he wasn't feeling well which made me feel bad because I likely gave him the cold that I was dealing with before Christmas...
So he sent me a text telling me that he had some not so great news which was he was asked to head to work for the 29th and the 30th...(he was supposed to have from the 23rd to the 5th off) so he let me know that he wouldn't be home until the afternoon of the 30th... (we were having people over to the house on the 31st for new years eve)... So he got home and we went out shopping for stuff for the next evening...went to see DD while he was at work for supper...and then went home...where he fell asleep on the couch...lol - I don't blame him he wasn't feeling well. Went to bed and woke up the next day...had to go out and pick up a few last minute things we didn't grab the night before... and then the chopping started... New Years Eve Fondue was had again...(this time at Sugarbears house), we had Pinky, Femme, DD, Pegleg, The Man, Boychild and of course the two of us at the house.
Like always, I worried about not having enough food...
Don't think I needed to worry... (had all of that and then of course the others brought some as well)
So when we got back to the house we made a late lunch and then I got to chopping and he got to napping...lol
It didn't bother me...again he still wasn't feeling well and we knew we'd be up late...normal for me...not so normal for him.
He ended up waking up and helping me out with cutting up stuff for the fondue after he napped anyway so it was all good.
Which was good...was able to sneak in one last romp before ringing in the new year...lol
So then we spent the evening fondue-ing and chatting and watching the Niagara Falls party on TV, rang in the new year and then headed downstairs to play some pool and horse around all drunk like...
took some drunken blurry pictures on the couch while the others played some pool...
The next "morning" (which was really like 2 or 3 in the afternoon) we got up and got dressed and headed down to Fort Erie to my aunts where The Man, Boychild, Sugarbear and I were going to play games and visit with my Aunt, Uncle, niece, mum, sis and Manchild...oh yeah gang was all there and they had all been messaging me most of the later morning asking where the hell I was... See I told them I'd likely be there just after noon...oops
We got there at 4.
While there after a few hours I got a text from Sugarbear (who was sitting two chairs from me) that his mum was back in the hospital...
So after a bit longer we ended up saying our goodbyes and headed back to the house. Where I asked about his mum...he fell asleep...after a couple of ours we went to bed...
The next morning...woken up by a text from my landlady asking about coming to get the rent...I thought the Man was home but apparently he was off with Ni-Kill ad TBone... so I was getting dressed to walk home so I could get a cheque together for the landlords.
SB woke up and ended up driving me over...I swear I think we were both still half asleep.
It wasn't long after that...that shit got real. He made the decision that he needed to go back to Sudbury so that with help of his family he could get his mother into a better hospital because she just wasn't getting the proper level of care that she required in the one she was at.
At first I asked him if he wanted me to go with him when I could see how frustrated he seemed to be and he didn't really say no or yes at that point about me joining him, just made some sort of mention that he may have to be there the whole weekend and then go straight to work in Barrie. Which sort of made me grin inside because after a year he hasn't seen just how resourceful I can be and me getting from Barrie to home was the least of the problems. I had that on lock before I even asked if he wanted me to go with him. I didn't press it though mainly because I thought he just didn't want me to go but didn't want to say no for fear of hurting my feelings or some such. As the day went on a bit more I didn't say too much because he was trying to ascertain the extent of the situation where his mum was concerned and dealing with stuff with his sister. He got more frustrated and then he got emotional... I wasn't expecting that...all I could do was hug him and tell him that I love him in the hopes that it helped a bit. After some dinner/really late lunch... I hugged on him again and told him I wanted to go with him. By this time I had a bag packed and already had plans in place to get home again from Barrie, and since the house was still a mess from NYE there had even been a suggestion of someone coming to clean it while we were gone.
He nodded. He nodded when I said I wanted to go with him and I wasn't sure if that was a nod of 'yes come with me' or if that was a nod of acknowledgement like 'yes I hear that you have offered that'.
I tidied up a bit of garbage and in the meantime he was getting all of his laundry done (that he had thought he still had a couple more days to do), and had been texting some more with his sister.
I didn't even realize that he had said anything to his sister about whether or not it would be ok if I came up with him until he suddenly tossed his phone onto the coffee table and said 'well it seems my sister doesn't think it's a good idea if you come with me...she pretty much said does she really want to be up here in the middle of all this shit...' I just nodded and said 'for you? yes'...
Needless to say... sister won out on that one since neither of us really had money for a hotel room (especially not after throwing a nye party) and he was going to be staying at her house.
I asked him if he had wanted me to go and he said yes...after realizing that I just meant had he wanted me to go...and not that I meant to defy his sister some how and take me with anyway...I just wanted to know if he wanted me with him. Oh English language...
I wasn't mad per se... I was disappointed and a bit sad. I wasn't going there to stick my nose in family business...I was going so that when he needed a hand to hold or a hug or a small smile and a quiet 'I love you' - I'd be there.
I told The Man that it felt like the universe was throwing a test at me that I wasn't allowed to take. His response was of course that I passed the test because I stepped up, wanted to go, and packed a bag. He said that was the test if there even was one at all. Which I felt a little confused by at first because of course I wanted to go...of course I packed a bag...who wouldn't??
Even if I didn't love him...I would want to be there for him. It just seemed a foreign concept to me that someone wouldn't offer...
So he left... at 6:30 in the evening... and I sat on the couch and cried. I knew he would text me when he got there before going to bed. He knows I worry. But I didn't want to just sit there for 5 hours on the couch...crying and worrying and watching the clock... I knew The Man was at TBone's house playing games.
I dislike asking for help...I dislike appearing to be weak or vulnerable...I dislike people truly seeing my anxiety issues...I dislike feeling useless...
I was surprised by my next action...
While sitting there with tears running down my face I sent DD a text...I told him Sugarbear was gone back up north and I was sitting on the couch crying. DD was there in approximately 30 mins. Followed by Pinky who had sent me a text message asking me if everything was ok.
DD was sick and stayed with me for a couple of hours...just talking and shooting the shit. He let me vent on him and let my anxiety out. Then Pinky stayed with me until 4 am... we talked and watched a movie and played a couple of games and pretty much stayed until we were both exhausted.
I went downstairs to go to bed after he had left and still ended up reading until after 6am...
Of course I worry about Sugarbears' mama...and of course I understand family comes first...and of course I understand his sister not necessarily wanting me there in the midst of all of it...and of course I took care of things at home and cleaned up the house...and of course I sent messages asking for updates about his mum as well as of him and how he was doing...
But I'm not a saint...I am one of the most selfish people I know... there was a tiny part of me...ok well no part of me is tiny...but there was a part of me that wanted to look up to the sky and yell.. Really?! Seriously?! We were suppose to get a week together... We were suppose to cuddle up on the couch from Friday to Sunday and not care about what happened in the outside world... He was supposed to be able to relax and get better on the second half of his vacation... not drive from Sudbury to Angus to St Catharines to Fort Erie to St Catharines to Sudbury to Manatoulin Island to Sudbury to Angus and then back home again...in one week...while sick and worried about his mother for half of that.
Oh yeah... I totally had a 'teenage, foot stomping the ground, yelling at the sky, crying out about how life isn't fair' moment...I held it all inside but man did I visualize the fuck out of that moment...
I just feel like we got robbed of time that we had been looking forward to that was just going to be ours...well I suppose I shouldn't say we...I know I was looking forward to it...I hope that he was...
I have been waiting with bated breath all week that he was going to say that he's coming home this weekend...I haven't wanted to ask (again)... (I asked on Monday but as he patiently pointed out on the phone while tiredly driving to Barrie...bit early to say...)
Broke down and finally asked last night because he hadn't said anything about it... I didn't realize how much it had been bothering me until he told me that yes he was coming home...I let out a huge breath and felt like a weight had been lifted...it was a bit odd... I didn't realize I had been that anxious about it.
It wouldn't have surprised me in the least if he had headed back up north for the weekend to check in on his mum again...and I wouldn't have faulted him for it...would have asked if I could go with this time...and found a way to Barrie...
I just know he's had a rough week and I just want to hug him and hold him and snuggle him and tell him how I think he's a good man and I love him. Hide away with him for at least a day just being all relaxed and cozy.
And then...
The DrunkenMonkey. I spoke to his mother on the phone. well wait... lemme back track...
I finally broke down and sent his mum a message and let her know that I wanted to send him a letter but I knew that I needed his inmate number so that I could make sure that he gets it (when I finally figure out what I'm going to write). She was really happy to hear from me, she did remember me...which was amazing to me since I had only met her once and that was over ten years ago now.
When she visited him on the 28th she had let him know that I contacted her and asked about sending him a letter (so much for the element of surprise) and asked him if he was ok with that. He apparently was very happy to hear that I wanted to write him and said that yes of course that she could give me his inmate number. So she let me know that it was ok but there are strict rules about not sharing that number over social media so I had to call her. Called and spoke to her for about 45mins and found out how he's doing and how she's doing and also found out that he could get out in 5 years providing he has had model behaviour and that he goes to classes and therapy and such. So for now he's in there until 2023.
The two of them seem to believe that him sending letters from a prison in the states to an address in Canada won't be an issue. However, his mum has offered that if there is any issues that I could send them to her and she'll send them to him, without reading them of course and vice versa.
So now I just need to figure out exactly what it is I want to say to him. I've wanted to reach out to him since last year when he first went in...but...I still don't know exactly what it is I want to say to him.
And then...
Bing...
I am so proud of you right now. Keep it up. Do it for you, not for anyone else.
Aaaaaand...
Burton...
Get your god damn fucking passport renewed and get your fucking ass home I miss your face.
Everything else will have to wait. I have been writing/typing way to long and should likely go to bed since again it's after 4am and I will likely see this side of 6am...a-fucking-gain.
Is it really January again already...??
It's felt like the year flew by...even though this past week feels like it just slithered by slower then molasses in a polar vortex...
Segue...so apparently there's another polar vortex coming... but climate change isn't happening right...?
But enough about the weather...
I'm stressed.
I hate being stressed...it affects my eating... my sleeping...my health...my libido...
The Man wants to move. I do and I don't want to move... I just wish that this particular house was in better shape so that the bills would be lower and the house more liveable. And because they haven't done anything about maintaining the house while we've been living here the last 7 years I know that it won't change, that would be the reason that I do want to move.
I just really fucking hate packing, giving notice, trying to find a new place, and starting this all over again. I dislike changing landlords, not because I like this set, but because I hate having to get used to new people governing over the place I live.
I've had so many different landlords and only one or two of them have been understanding and bearable. Understanding in the aspect of letting me possibly change paint colours in the house, and being able to put up pictures without worry of them hounding me that there's 'holes' in the walls. Bearable as in not showing up on the 1st of the month at 8am knocking on my door, but then again not making me have to call you on the 6th of the month saying 'um hello? are you going to come pick this up or what?'
The Man keeps talking about buying a house...um...what? - we have no money saved... we live cheque to cheque to cheque... barely making ends meet as it is... how the fuck does he even figure that we would ever be able to purchase a house...?!
And where the hell are we going to get the money to cover moving costs...??
I also don't want to have to think about this shit in the middle of winter.
I've said it before and I'll say it again... I hate money. It's the one thing that makes me depressed the quickest.
I had been trying to decide if I wanted to stay in derby with my league or going with another league.. It looks like I won't be able to continue derby with any league. It makes my heart sad, I love skating but haven't been able to pay my dues for last month, purchase the required insurance and now it's nearly time to start paying dues again for the month of January... and I just don't have the 110$ to cover all of that.
Had to come up with a deposit for the Boychilds end of the year school trip on top of all the stuff for Christmas...very little warning...that was 50$... and they want another 50$ for a payment for January as well... so there goes my dues.
The Man applied for a job the other day. I'm hoping that he gets it. During the summer when I was working on the farm it was nice to be able to have a tiny bit of a money at all times. Just before the Holidays DD and I went to one of the sex shops in town and I'm seriously considering giving them a copy of my CV... seriously is there any other job more fitting for me... I would get to tell people to fuck themselves, how to do it and what to do with it...
The holidays were ok...started off great which I posted about in the last post...then went a tiny bit sideways last week...
Sugarbear went up north to visit his family from the 23rd to the 28th... he had been talking about possibly coming home for the evening of the 29th... I found out while he was up there that he wasn't feeling well which made me feel bad because I likely gave him the cold that I was dealing with before Christmas...
So he sent me a text telling me that he had some not so great news which was he was asked to head to work for the 29th and the 30th...(he was supposed to have from the 23rd to the 5th off) so he let me know that he wouldn't be home until the afternoon of the 30th... (we were having people over to the house on the 31st for new years eve)... So he got home and we went out shopping for stuff for the next evening...went to see DD while he was at work for supper...and then went home...where he fell asleep on the couch...lol - I don't blame him he wasn't feeling well. Went to bed and woke up the next day...had to go out and pick up a few last minute things we didn't grab the night before... and then the chopping started... New Years Eve Fondue was had again...(this time at Sugarbears house), we had Pinky, Femme, DD, Pegleg, The Man, Boychild and of course the two of us at the house.
Like always, I worried about not having enough food...
Don't think I needed to worry... (had all of that and then of course the others brought some as well)
So when we got back to the house we made a late lunch and then I got to chopping and he got to napping...lol
It didn't bother me...again he still wasn't feeling well and we knew we'd be up late...normal for me...not so normal for him.
He ended up waking up and helping me out with cutting up stuff for the fondue after he napped anyway so it was all good.
Which was good...was able to sneak in one last romp before ringing in the new year...lol
So then we spent the evening fondue-ing and chatting and watching the Niagara Falls party on TV, rang in the new year and then headed downstairs to play some pool and horse around all drunk like...
The next "morning" (which was really like 2 or 3 in the afternoon) we got up and got dressed and headed down to Fort Erie to my aunts where The Man, Boychild, Sugarbear and I were going to play games and visit with my Aunt, Uncle, niece, mum, sis and Manchild...oh yeah gang was all there and they had all been messaging me most of the later morning asking where the hell I was... See I told them I'd likely be there just after noon...oops
We got there at 4.
While there after a few hours I got a text from Sugarbear (who was sitting two chairs from me) that his mum was back in the hospital...
So after a bit longer we ended up saying our goodbyes and headed back to the house. Where I asked about his mum...he fell asleep...after a couple of ours we went to bed...
The next morning...woken up by a text from my landlady asking about coming to get the rent...I thought the Man was home but apparently he was off with Ni-Kill ad TBone... so I was getting dressed to walk home so I could get a cheque together for the landlords.
SB woke up and ended up driving me over...I swear I think we were both still half asleep.
It wasn't long after that...that shit got real. He made the decision that he needed to go back to Sudbury so that with help of his family he could get his mother into a better hospital because she just wasn't getting the proper level of care that she required in the one she was at.
At first I asked him if he wanted me to go with him when I could see how frustrated he seemed to be and he didn't really say no or yes at that point about me joining him, just made some sort of mention that he may have to be there the whole weekend and then go straight to work in Barrie. Which sort of made me grin inside because after a year he hasn't seen just how resourceful I can be and me getting from Barrie to home was the least of the problems. I had that on lock before I even asked if he wanted me to go with him. I didn't press it though mainly because I thought he just didn't want me to go but didn't want to say no for fear of hurting my feelings or some such. As the day went on a bit more I didn't say too much because he was trying to ascertain the extent of the situation where his mum was concerned and dealing with stuff with his sister. He got more frustrated and then he got emotional... I wasn't expecting that...all I could do was hug him and tell him that I love him in the hopes that it helped a bit. After some dinner/really late lunch... I hugged on him again and told him I wanted to go with him. By this time I had a bag packed and already had plans in place to get home again from Barrie, and since the house was still a mess from NYE there had even been a suggestion of someone coming to clean it while we were gone.
He nodded. He nodded when I said I wanted to go with him and I wasn't sure if that was a nod of 'yes come with me' or if that was a nod of acknowledgement like 'yes I hear that you have offered that'.
I tidied up a bit of garbage and in the meantime he was getting all of his laundry done (that he had thought he still had a couple more days to do), and had been texting some more with his sister.
I didn't even realize that he had said anything to his sister about whether or not it would be ok if I came up with him until he suddenly tossed his phone onto the coffee table and said 'well it seems my sister doesn't think it's a good idea if you come with me...she pretty much said does she really want to be up here in the middle of all this shit...' I just nodded and said 'for you? yes'...
Needless to say... sister won out on that one since neither of us really had money for a hotel room (especially not after throwing a nye party) and he was going to be staying at her house.
I asked him if he had wanted me to go and he said yes...after realizing that I just meant had he wanted me to go...and not that I meant to defy his sister some how and take me with anyway...I just wanted to know if he wanted me with him. Oh English language...
I wasn't mad per se... I was disappointed and a bit sad. I wasn't going there to stick my nose in family business...I was going so that when he needed a hand to hold or a hug or a small smile and a quiet 'I love you' - I'd be there.
I told The Man that it felt like the universe was throwing a test at me that I wasn't allowed to take. His response was of course that I passed the test because I stepped up, wanted to go, and packed a bag. He said that was the test if there even was one at all. Which I felt a little confused by at first because of course I wanted to go...of course I packed a bag...who wouldn't??
Even if I didn't love him...I would want to be there for him. It just seemed a foreign concept to me that someone wouldn't offer...
So he left... at 6:30 in the evening... and I sat on the couch and cried. I knew he would text me when he got there before going to bed. He knows I worry. But I didn't want to just sit there for 5 hours on the couch...crying and worrying and watching the clock... I knew The Man was at TBone's house playing games.
I dislike asking for help...I dislike appearing to be weak or vulnerable...I dislike people truly seeing my anxiety issues...I dislike feeling useless...
I was surprised by my next action...
While sitting there with tears running down my face I sent DD a text...I told him Sugarbear was gone back up north and I was sitting on the couch crying. DD was there in approximately 30 mins. Followed by Pinky who had sent me a text message asking me if everything was ok.
DD was sick and stayed with me for a couple of hours...just talking and shooting the shit. He let me vent on him and let my anxiety out. Then Pinky stayed with me until 4 am... we talked and watched a movie and played a couple of games and pretty much stayed until we were both exhausted.
I went downstairs to go to bed after he had left and still ended up reading until after 6am...
Of course I worry about Sugarbears' mama...and of course I understand family comes first...and of course I understand his sister not necessarily wanting me there in the midst of all of it...and of course I took care of things at home and cleaned up the house...and of course I sent messages asking for updates about his mum as well as of him and how he was doing...
But I'm not a saint...I am one of the most selfish people I know... there was a tiny part of me...ok well no part of me is tiny...but there was a part of me that wanted to look up to the sky and yell.. Really?! Seriously?! We were suppose to get a week together... We were suppose to cuddle up on the couch from Friday to Sunday and not care about what happened in the outside world... He was supposed to be able to relax and get better on the second half of his vacation... not drive from Sudbury to Angus to St Catharines to Fort Erie to St Catharines to Sudbury to Manatoulin Island to Sudbury to Angus and then back home again...in one week...while sick and worried about his mother for half of that.
Oh yeah... I totally had a 'teenage, foot stomping the ground, yelling at the sky, crying out about how life isn't fair' moment...I held it all inside but man did I visualize the fuck out of that moment...
I just feel like we got robbed of time that we had been looking forward to that was just going to be ours...well I suppose I shouldn't say we...I know I was looking forward to it...I hope that he was...
I have been waiting with bated breath all week that he was going to say that he's coming home this weekend...I haven't wanted to ask (again)... (I asked on Monday but as he patiently pointed out on the phone while tiredly driving to Barrie...bit early to say...)
Broke down and finally asked last night because he hadn't said anything about it... I didn't realize how much it had been bothering me until he told me that yes he was coming home...I let out a huge breath and felt like a weight had been lifted...it was a bit odd... I didn't realize I had been that anxious about it.
It wouldn't have surprised me in the least if he had headed back up north for the weekend to check in on his mum again...and I wouldn't have faulted him for it...would have asked if I could go with this time...and found a way to Barrie...
I just know he's had a rough week and I just want to hug him and hold him and snuggle him and tell him how I think he's a good man and I love him. Hide away with him for at least a day just being all relaxed and cozy.
And then...
The DrunkenMonkey. I spoke to his mother on the phone. well wait... lemme back track...
I finally broke down and sent his mum a message and let her know that I wanted to send him a letter but I knew that I needed his inmate number so that I could make sure that he gets it (when I finally figure out what I'm going to write). She was really happy to hear from me, she did remember me...which was amazing to me since I had only met her once and that was over ten years ago now.
When she visited him on the 28th she had let him know that I contacted her and asked about sending him a letter (so much for the element of surprise) and asked him if he was ok with that. He apparently was very happy to hear that I wanted to write him and said that yes of course that she could give me his inmate number. So she let me know that it was ok but there are strict rules about not sharing that number over social media so I had to call her. Called and spoke to her for about 45mins and found out how he's doing and how she's doing and also found out that he could get out in 5 years providing he has had model behaviour and that he goes to classes and therapy and such. So for now he's in there until 2023.
The two of them seem to believe that him sending letters from a prison in the states to an address in Canada won't be an issue. However, his mum has offered that if there is any issues that I could send them to her and she'll send them to him, without reading them of course and vice versa.
So now I just need to figure out exactly what it is I want to say to him. I've wanted to reach out to him since last year when he first went in...but...I still don't know exactly what it is I want to say to him.
And then...
Bing...
I am so proud of you right now. Keep it up. Do it for you, not for anyone else.
Aaaaaand...
Burton...
Get your god damn fucking passport renewed and get your fucking ass home I miss your face.
Everything else will have to wait. I have been writing/typing way to long and should likely go to bed since again it's after 4am and I will likely see this side of 6am...a-fucking-gain.
 |
| Happy Fucking New Year 2015 |
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Death, Prison, Dates, Babies and Derby
I'm not even sure where to start this blog post...I'm so far behind in news and thoughts and ramblings...
Not even sure how far back I need to go to try to catch up either...or if I should start with the good news or the bad...
My step father passed away at the beginning of November...the first day of it actually. He was the third of the groups of deaths that have happened in the latter half of the year. Cancer ate away his insides and he just couldn't fight it any more.
The next day Krammit gave birth to her beautiful twins...it was a bit scary for a minute or two...but everyone came out of it and Jack and Wyatt are beautiful and two of the best babies ever.
After Al's funeral I found out that Biff my favourite Lion ever had passed away, there was no service for him... just the knowledge that in March when I go to the convention I won't get to see him...I won't get my annual picture of me sitting on his lap and having him give me advice on dirty old men.
I went to go visit Krammit and all her boys for nearly a week and it was such a great reprieve from life...I had started to get so depressed and just snuggling and loving the babies and seeing my Krammit for 5 days was just awesome.
Went to the roller derby end of the season party with both Sugarbear and The Man... There aren't words to describe how much I love that I can go out with the both of them and not have to answer to many questions.
At this point I'm not too sure about continuing on with roller derby. I've not been able to pay my dues for December, still need to come up with money for my annual insurance and money for my January dues... may need to sell a kidney to continue.
December brought on the stress of having to deal with my landlords and their thoughts that some how their lack of upkeep of the property is some how our fault. They came back a second day in a row with a paper saying that they'll be raising the rent as of March first...The Man sort of gave our notice...let's see if the landlord takes him seriously...they only thing I've heard from them is that she sent me a text asking me for a measurement for the back door...
So we'll see on the first if we are actually going to give our notice. I think it's time.
I don't want to move. I hate moving...I've moved a lot...like...a lot.
If they're not going to take care of the place and we have to pay more in rent then...what else can I really do... *le sigh*
It hasn't been all bad...?
I did get sick last week...and this past weekend was awesome and horrible all at the same time...
Last Tuesday I seemed to wake up with something horrible living in my head and throat...Wednesday was a bit touch and go as to whether or not I might have had to go to the hospital...thankfully my body decided to take pity on me and just make me feel like hell. My heart didn't go batty thankfully.
This Monday (the 22nd) was the one year mark for Sugarbear and I...went by really fast it seems. He made Saturday awesome. He brought me home a beautiful bouquet of flowers on Friday, which made me blush since before I saw them I was joking about him being spoiled. We went out for breakfast on Saturday (I was and am still, feeling a bit crappy, but I was told he was taking me out for dinner so I was determined to feel well). We went to the Keg in the Falls, had a good view, and a really yummy meal. I have to say that this visit was much better then our last one (which was our first date...lol) we were so much more comfortable with each other now and so it was just a really good time. After supper we went to Timmies and grabbed a hot chocolate and a tea, then drove down through the festival of lights and through Dufferin Island. Then headed home where I forced him to sit through the Nightmare before Christmas (because hello...everyone should see that movie... Best Christmas movie and Best Hallowe'en movie...) I then got him to open up his presents... we then went on to celebrate Christmas downstairs...
Sunday I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck... Sugarbear was a sweetheart (as he almost always is) he ran me a bath and then made me some brunch and just let me lay around most of the afternoon...which made me feel bad since he was running about cleaning up and such. We ended up going to the bakery but I think that was about it.
A bit of a back story for a moment... My friend Codex who was a diabetic and having some renal issues failed to report on the 17th for his dialysis, nurses at the hospital were concerned and made a call for a welfare check. Where he was found unresponsive in his apartment and rushed to the hospital. The found after a ct scan that no neurological activity was happening. They (his mother and sister) then started calling friends and family from out of town to come and say their goodbyes to him.
He wasn't even 30 fucking years old.
On Sunday at 6pm I got a text from Codex's mother that he was gone now. On the Winter Solstice, his favourite night of the year. The night the light starts to come back. The night that the dark times is officially over...
I'm so tired of death. After this dark time...too many people have slipped through the veil.
Twice now I've been with Sugarbear when I've gotten the news of someone passing. I was eating breakfast with him when I found out about Al...and he was making supper when I found out about Codex.
I stayed at Sugarbears house Monday, Tuesday and then came home on Wednesday... I still wasn't feeling well. But I was also using it as a hidey hole...I didn't want to leave...I didn't want to deal with the world (I still really don't want to). I love that Sugarbear let's me use his place as a sanctuary away from the bright noisy world... He's up North with his family celebrating the holiday...
Tomorrow...err...Today... I'll be heading to Mum's to go do the Christmas thing. I was talking to her on the phone earlier and couldn't stop myself from breaking down... Yesterday I just wanted to get into my car and drive to go see my mum...The Man had the car...and I didn't know what I would say when I got there...
I have these moments where I think about how Barium doesn't have her father tomorrow... Oakie doesn't have Judy this Christmas... my Mum won't have Al to snuggle with tomorrow... We won't be watching Codex's cat for him while he goes to visit his mum... Biff won't be able to see what Santa brought for his grandkids... and my beautiful beautiful friend Moon won't get to see her only child open her gifts when the sun comes up... and I just well up and start to cry.
I just want to curl up in Sugarbears big comfy bed and shut the doors...
Earlier tonight was just awful... I was trying to be in a good mood and was laughing and joking about with the Boychild...apparently The Man was annoyed and we were entertained by annoying him further...so he stormed off.
Boychild tried so very hard to cheer me up afterwards...he is such a sweet kid...he shouldn't have to deal with my depression. Standing hugging his mum in the middle of the living room while she cries because she's angry at the world and annoyed with his fathers behaviour, and frustrated that everything just seems like it's going to shit.
And we've been trying to figure out how we can get up North (5 hr drive) on the 28th for Codex's memorial service. The Man and I both really want to go... Frankly I don't like the thought of travelling for 5 hours, saying good bye to a friend and then travelling another 5 hours home again.
Was hard to not think of DrunkenMonkey today and wonder how he's doing. It was his birthday. He just turned 35...in prison. I have talked to his mum this week to see how he is, to see how she is, and to see if I would be able to mail him a letter.
I know what he did is wrong on so very many levels, but somewhere deep inside me I can't just turn my back on him. I know some people think I'm crazy and think I should just wash my hands of him and be done with it.
So what's coming up...?
Going to make dinner on Saturday for my dad his gf, and our friends The Farmer and Femme, as well as my 4. Not the biggest crowd I've cooked for but still a good size.
Sugarbear and I (and The Man) are having a bit of a gathering for New Years Eve... the Boychild will be there, it'll really be the first time he's really kind of hung out with Sugarbear. We're going to fondue it up with The Farmer and Femme. Hoping that Nickle will be there, maybe Pinky (miss him).
I've invited some others... starting to think that Leethal and Punisher aren't really interested with maintaining a friendship with us any more. I hardly hear from them, and seems when I do text it's not really ever a good time. Invited them to come out on NYE but I think they're sort of waiting to see if something better comes along. At least...that's how it feels. Who knows.
Been a year and I know she still seems to get amazed and weirded out about the whole situation of the three of us...lol
Beyond that... I have no idea.
I'm hoping for at least month off from going to funerals or having someone I know passing away...that would be lovely.
In good news...
I found a Target gift card on my desk that has fifty bucks on it.
I'm still not smoking.
I'm still enjoying my knitting.
My kids are healthy.
I love The Man and Sugarbear... and I'm fairly certain they both love me.
Good Night.
Merry Christmas.
Not even sure how far back I need to go to try to catch up either...or if I should start with the good news or the bad...
My step father passed away at the beginning of November...the first day of it actually. He was the third of the groups of deaths that have happened in the latter half of the year. Cancer ate away his insides and he just couldn't fight it any more.
The next day Krammit gave birth to her beautiful twins...it was a bit scary for a minute or two...but everyone came out of it and Jack and Wyatt are beautiful and two of the best babies ever.
After Al's funeral I found out that Biff my favourite Lion ever had passed away, there was no service for him... just the knowledge that in March when I go to the convention I won't get to see him...I won't get my annual picture of me sitting on his lap and having him give me advice on dirty old men.
I went to go visit Krammit and all her boys for nearly a week and it was such a great reprieve from life...I had started to get so depressed and just snuggling and loving the babies and seeing my Krammit for 5 days was just awesome.
Went to the roller derby end of the season party with both Sugarbear and The Man... There aren't words to describe how much I love that I can go out with the both of them and not have to answer to many questions.
At this point I'm not too sure about continuing on with roller derby. I've not been able to pay my dues for December, still need to come up with money for my annual insurance and money for my January dues... may need to sell a kidney to continue.
December brought on the stress of having to deal with my landlords and their thoughts that some how their lack of upkeep of the property is some how our fault. They came back a second day in a row with a paper saying that they'll be raising the rent as of March first...The Man sort of gave our notice...let's see if the landlord takes him seriously...they only thing I've heard from them is that she sent me a text asking me for a measurement for the back door...
So we'll see on the first if we are actually going to give our notice. I think it's time.
I don't want to move. I hate moving...I've moved a lot...like...a lot.
If they're not going to take care of the place and we have to pay more in rent then...what else can I really do... *le sigh*
It hasn't been all bad...?
I did get sick last week...and this past weekend was awesome and horrible all at the same time...
Last Tuesday I seemed to wake up with something horrible living in my head and throat...Wednesday was a bit touch and go as to whether or not I might have had to go to the hospital...thankfully my body decided to take pity on me and just make me feel like hell. My heart didn't go batty thankfully.
This Monday (the 22nd) was the one year mark for Sugarbear and I...went by really fast it seems. He made Saturday awesome. He brought me home a beautiful bouquet of flowers on Friday, which made me blush since before I saw them I was joking about him being spoiled. We went out for breakfast on Saturday (I was and am still, feeling a bit crappy, but I was told he was taking me out for dinner so I was determined to feel well). We went to the Keg in the Falls, had a good view, and a really yummy meal. I have to say that this visit was much better then our last one (which was our first date...lol) we were so much more comfortable with each other now and so it was just a really good time. After supper we went to Timmies and grabbed a hot chocolate and a tea, then drove down through the festival of lights and through Dufferin Island. Then headed home where I forced him to sit through the Nightmare before Christmas (because hello...everyone should see that movie... Best Christmas movie and Best Hallowe'en movie...) I then got him to open up his presents... we then went on to celebrate Christmas downstairs...
Sunday I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck... Sugarbear was a sweetheart (as he almost always is) he ran me a bath and then made me some brunch and just let me lay around most of the afternoon...which made me feel bad since he was running about cleaning up and such. We ended up going to the bakery but I think that was about it.
A bit of a back story for a moment... My friend Codex who was a diabetic and having some renal issues failed to report on the 17th for his dialysis, nurses at the hospital were concerned and made a call for a welfare check. Where he was found unresponsive in his apartment and rushed to the hospital. The found after a ct scan that no neurological activity was happening. They (his mother and sister) then started calling friends and family from out of town to come and say their goodbyes to him.
He wasn't even 30 fucking years old.
On Sunday at 6pm I got a text from Codex's mother that he was gone now. On the Winter Solstice, his favourite night of the year. The night the light starts to come back. The night that the dark times is officially over...
I'm so tired of death. After this dark time...too many people have slipped through the veil.
Twice now I've been with Sugarbear when I've gotten the news of someone passing. I was eating breakfast with him when I found out about Al...and he was making supper when I found out about Codex.
I stayed at Sugarbears house Monday, Tuesday and then came home on Wednesday... I still wasn't feeling well. But I was also using it as a hidey hole...I didn't want to leave...I didn't want to deal with the world (I still really don't want to). I love that Sugarbear let's me use his place as a sanctuary away from the bright noisy world... He's up North with his family celebrating the holiday...
Tomorrow...err...Today... I'll be heading to Mum's to go do the Christmas thing. I was talking to her on the phone earlier and couldn't stop myself from breaking down... Yesterday I just wanted to get into my car and drive to go see my mum...The Man had the car...and I didn't know what I would say when I got there...
I have these moments where I think about how Barium doesn't have her father tomorrow... Oakie doesn't have Judy this Christmas... my Mum won't have Al to snuggle with tomorrow... We won't be watching Codex's cat for him while he goes to visit his mum... Biff won't be able to see what Santa brought for his grandkids... and my beautiful beautiful friend Moon won't get to see her only child open her gifts when the sun comes up... and I just well up and start to cry.
I just want to curl up in Sugarbears big comfy bed and shut the doors...
Earlier tonight was just awful... I was trying to be in a good mood and was laughing and joking about with the Boychild...apparently The Man was annoyed and we were entertained by annoying him further...so he stormed off.
Boychild tried so very hard to cheer me up afterwards...he is such a sweet kid...he shouldn't have to deal with my depression. Standing hugging his mum in the middle of the living room while she cries because she's angry at the world and annoyed with his fathers behaviour, and frustrated that everything just seems like it's going to shit.
And we've been trying to figure out how we can get up North (5 hr drive) on the 28th for Codex's memorial service. The Man and I both really want to go... Frankly I don't like the thought of travelling for 5 hours, saying good bye to a friend and then travelling another 5 hours home again.
Was hard to not think of DrunkenMonkey today and wonder how he's doing. It was his birthday. He just turned 35...in prison. I have talked to his mum this week to see how he is, to see how she is, and to see if I would be able to mail him a letter.
I know what he did is wrong on so very many levels, but somewhere deep inside me I can't just turn my back on him. I know some people think I'm crazy and think I should just wash my hands of him and be done with it.
So what's coming up...?
Going to make dinner on Saturday for my dad his gf, and our friends The Farmer and Femme, as well as my 4. Not the biggest crowd I've cooked for but still a good size.
Sugarbear and I (and The Man) are having a bit of a gathering for New Years Eve... the Boychild will be there, it'll really be the first time he's really kind of hung out with Sugarbear. We're going to fondue it up with The Farmer and Femme. Hoping that Nickle will be there, maybe Pinky (miss him).
I've invited some others... starting to think that Leethal and Punisher aren't really interested with maintaining a friendship with us any more. I hardly hear from them, and seems when I do text it's not really ever a good time. Invited them to come out on NYE but I think they're sort of waiting to see if something better comes along. At least...that's how it feels. Who knows.
Been a year and I know she still seems to get amazed and weirded out about the whole situation of the three of us...lol
Beyond that... I have no idea.
I'm hoping for at least month off from going to funerals or having someone I know passing away...that would be lovely.
In good news...
I found a Target gift card on my desk that has fifty bucks on it.
I'm still not smoking.
I'm still enjoying my knitting.
My kids are healthy.
I love The Man and Sugarbear... and I'm fairly certain they both love me.
Good Night.
Merry Christmas.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Loved or Lucky...?
Either way I'm feeling like both.
Today (Sunday) hasn't been the day I thought it was going to be.
Figured I'd wake up...maybe we'd have some breakfast...I'd chip away at some concrete blocks while Sugarbear worked on some electrical hookups. (Reno that's happening in the basement). And then drag Sugarbear to the parade that the Boychild was in.
Was awoken with some makings of the lovings...and then Sugarbear says that we have to go to the mall to pick up a jersey for his nephew. I was a bit thrown but threw out the reno plans and was like alright...
Got up ran a brush through my hair and away we went.
So we get to the mall...btw for those who are new...I hate the mall in Nov and Dec...so I have my we're on a mission mode on and start weaving through Sears to get to Sportchek...most obvious place to pick up a TML jersey.
So just outside of Sears in front of Santa's lil setup that's when Sugarbear decides to tell me that we're not actually there for the jersey and that we're actually there so that he can buy me a winter coat as his Christmas present to me...
I didn't know what to say... I was speechless and suddenly didn't know what to do... we hit a few stores...ok...maybe several... I really didn't know what to do...as it dawns on me... I've never had a brand new off the shelf out of a department store winter coat before... I've always gotten hand me downs or have just picked something up from goodwill or value village or something...
I was verklempt and didn't know what to say...and for a while couldn't say anything without tears starting...and I didn't want to cry in front of him.
To some people it's just a coat...but...to me...it's mine...
Sounds weird right?
I can't explain it. This coat has never been someone elses...it's just mine.
Even after going to the parade with Sugarbear and The Man... I still couldn't say Thank You...for fear that I would start crying.
As it was...Sugarbear and I went to bed...and laying in the dark I was finally able to say it...because then he couldn't see the tears at how truly grateful I am.
It was just so thoughtful and generous of him.
Even now I'm getting all teary again thinking of how much he makes my heart swell.
He's a good man and I'm so very glad to be with him.
Now I'm really fucking stuck on what to get him for Christmas... >.<
Monday, September 29, 2014
I don't want to be invisible.
I love having impromptu Skype dates with my wifey (Burton) on a random Sunday night.
I was glad to catch up with her about her weekend last weekend when she was in Portland at a convention.
It made me step back from a blog post I was sitting down to make which probably would have been a lot of wondering and explaining...and blathering on about some other stuff (which I will likely still get to...eventually).
I miss my wife.
On Thursday I went out with Piper (haven't gone out for a while with him) he picked me up and we went and sat in the truck out by the river in N-O-T-L out by one of the wineries.
Got caught up on life and had some happy leaf that got me semi distracted from our conversation...do believe I kept texting Sugarbear telling him how I wish he was home that night...
He tried to make a move on me... *shakes head* gotta say 'happy leaf' makes me really fucking horny...however...not so much so that I forget my place...
I ended up working on Friday...I think it was my last shift...not sure that's all up in the air...but with the way that Farmer is going and pissing me off lately...not sad that it would be my last shift. Must admit though that I had more fun at this job then I've had at most of the others I've had. I didn't mind packing the fruit...and the people I was working with...all truly interesting stories unto themselves. I'm glad for the experience.
Got to chit the chat with Squasha for a bit back and forth via What'sApp...he went off to Germany for Oktoberfest...nice. I seriously would love to be able to go to visit him in Switzerland...take some trips around to other places in Europe...
Oh...my pipe dreams...they are vast...lol
but any way...
The week started out great...it was my birthday and I got my way (To get a hug and a kiss from both the men I lurves on my birthday - I'm easy to please sometimes.)... I slept at Sugarbears place Sunday night (which I don't normally do) woke up with him at 4:30 in the morning...had a few minutes of snuggle time where I got a sincere yet sleepy sounding happy birthday from him before he got up to get ready for work.
I got up threw on my clothes and came home after getting some more hugs and kisses and another happy birthday from SB in the drive.
Got home...a very sleepy and yet happy dog gave me some kisses before I told him to go back to sleep and slipped into bed with The Man, who gave me a hug and wished me a happy birthday before going back to sleep...
Later in the morning... he took me for breakfast which was nice. :)
Tuesday...things went a bit wonky and I felt as though I got punched in the gut. (not going into great detail...) found Sugarbear on another social media site of sorts and noticed that on his profile it said that he was single, looking for a relationship and a couple of other things.
It made me sad at first...and then I got angry...really angry.
I felt that he had lied to me and that he was just using me.
If ever there was anything that would make me pick up shop and leave...it's lying.
I didn't and still don't care if he has the profile, the thing that bothered me was that it stated that he is looking...
I wasn't going to say anything about it until he got home on Friday and was going to discuss it with him then but...before I was leaving to go to a 'birthday skate' I just couldn't not say something.
My feelings had been hurt and I felt used, betrayed and not good enough.
We had had a conversation about the two of us not too long ago where it was a case of we were happy being together and that we wouldn't be looking for or having sex with anyone else... (sort of a big thing for me...) So to come across that I... I'm not even sure how to describe it...I just felt deflated...like all the air had been sucked out of the room for a moment.
Now yes we know that I can sometimes over react to stuff, however, I think I handled it pretty well when we were talking (via text - which btw big fucking kudos to him for starting the response with - 'I can't respond to this in text, won't get it worded correctly...' - text is a tricky fucking format when having a discussion with someone.)
So we talked it out and I thought, ok well knowing now that it bothers me I'm assuming he'll change it.
I felt much better having the reassurance there that he in fact is not looking and is quite happy in this non-relationship relationship that we seem to be in...lol (whatevs everyone calls him my boyfriend and me his girlfriend... people seem to need labels...)
Fast-forward to a couple days later (i.e. Thursday evening - after I got home from going for a smoke with Piper), I saw on my 'friend feed' that he had been active and what not while I was checking my messages. So I went over to his profile to see that we now have a mutual friend and chuckled at myself at who it was/is, and then noticed that it still said that he was/is looking for a relationship.
Didn't even get mad...got really disheartened...though didn't even really say anything about it until earlier this evening (Sunday) before I was leaving.
It bothers me. Shouldn't it?
Think what bothers me the most is the fact that by saying he's available and looking for possible relationships it tells me (even if it's not meant to convey this message) that I'm not important. I'm not good enough. He's keeping his options open in case something else comes along. I'm short term.
I've been these things. To others, I've been the weekend fling. The 'until someone better comes along'. The 'you're awesome and great but we can't be together'. The 'I love you but you're too much...'.
I've been made to feel unimportant, and the dirty little secret. I don't like it. I don't want to be that any more. Just made me feel like he's ashamed of me.
I know he doesn't love me, he's been quite up front and honest about that. There's a difference though. I'm not asking him to put anything up about the two of us being together, but to just not advertise that he's looking.
In comparison to how I used to be this is definitely not me over reacting but actually I think handling it so much better, because at least I'm saying out loud to him what bothers me and why it bothers me. Much better then clamming up and saying nothing is wrong and stewing over it for weeks and being passive aggressively bitchy...
It's the first thing that has really bothered me in the last 9 months with him. Seems so very minute of a thing and yet...
.... meh.
Onward...
The house is coming along great for the hallowe'en party that we're throwing... Sugarbear and Myself are hosting, The Man has been awesome coming over to help me with decorating during the week...which sort of weirds Leethal out when she comes to help. I think she's still trying to wrap her head around our relationships. Last weekend, The Man came over to help Sugarbear with a
I personally love seeing the two of them together. Sure they are completely different, and yet have a few different similarities...probably how/why I love 'em both.
pool table. Then they headed to The Man's fathers house (45 mins or so away) to pick up a fridge and stove, then they moved a washer out to the road and moved the fridge and stove in... (The Man also came over in the summer-ish time to help Sugarbear build his deck) I told Leethal about the two of them working together on this stuff and she was just like 'Whaaat? I don't...what?! Really? They're alright together??'
Figured out some lighting issues thanks to Sugarbears creative thinking...so I'm feeling better about the light level in the house for the party. I'm getting really excited about how it's coming together.
Can't wait to post some pics of the finished product. I have people who can't make it to the party but they've asked if they could have a tour of the house when it's finished.
Went out with Sugarbear and The Man on Saturday, we were supposed to go see one of my favourite local bands, showed up at the place and it was packed and there was a big tent outside...didn't realize the kick off of grape and wine was going to be so big at this particular bar. So we got some drinks, listened to a few songs and then the tent portion was finished for the evening...and it was going to be impossible to get inside to the bar... so I'm hoping that we can maybe go next weekend to see them at another bar in town... 1st best part of my evening (the one that happened first) holding both of their hands whilst walking back to the car.... :)
If you want to hear about the other 'best parts of my evening' you'll have to subscribe to the R rated version...lol
....going to have to catch up in another post on another day...it's now getting on to 3:30 a.m.... I need to sleep...
I was glad to catch up with her about her weekend last weekend when she was in Portland at a convention.
It made me step back from a blog post I was sitting down to make which probably would have been a lot of wondering and explaining...and blathering on about some other stuff (which I will likely still get to...eventually).
I miss my wife.
On Thursday I went out with Piper (haven't gone out for a while with him) he picked me up and we went and sat in the truck out by the river in N-O-T-L out by one of the wineries.
Got caught up on life and had some happy leaf that got me semi distracted from our conversation...do believe I kept texting Sugarbear telling him how I wish he was home that night...
He tried to make a move on me... *shakes head* gotta say 'happy leaf' makes me really fucking horny...however...not so much so that I forget my place...
I ended up working on Friday...I think it was my last shift...not sure that's all up in the air...but with the way that Farmer is going and pissing me off lately...not sad that it would be my last shift. Must admit though that I had more fun at this job then I've had at most of the others I've had. I didn't mind packing the fruit...and the people I was working with...all truly interesting stories unto themselves. I'm glad for the experience.
Got to chit the chat with Squasha for a bit back and forth via What'sApp...he went off to Germany for Oktoberfest...nice. I seriously would love to be able to go to visit him in Switzerland...take some trips around to other places in Europe...
Oh...my pipe dreams...they are vast...lol
but any way...
The week started out great...it was my birthday and I got my way (To get a hug and a kiss from both the men I lurves on my birthday - I'm easy to please sometimes.)... I slept at Sugarbears place Sunday night (which I don't normally do) woke up with him at 4:30 in the morning...had a few minutes of snuggle time where I got a sincere yet sleepy sounding happy birthday from him before he got up to get ready for work.
I got up threw on my clothes and came home after getting some more hugs and kisses and another happy birthday from SB in the drive.
Got home...a very sleepy and yet happy dog gave me some kisses before I told him to go back to sleep and slipped into bed with The Man, who gave me a hug and wished me a happy birthday before going back to sleep...
Later in the morning... he took me for breakfast which was nice. :)
Tuesday...things went a bit wonky and I felt as though I got punched in the gut. (not going into great detail...) found Sugarbear on another social media site of sorts and noticed that on his profile it said that he was single, looking for a relationship and a couple of other things.
It made me sad at first...and then I got angry...really angry.
I felt that he had lied to me and that he was just using me.
If ever there was anything that would make me pick up shop and leave...it's lying.
I didn't and still don't care if he has the profile, the thing that bothered me was that it stated that he is looking...
I wasn't going to say anything about it until he got home on Friday and was going to discuss it with him then but...before I was leaving to go to a 'birthday skate' I just couldn't not say something.
My feelings had been hurt and I felt used, betrayed and not good enough.
We had had a conversation about the two of us not too long ago where it was a case of we were happy being together and that we wouldn't be looking for or having sex with anyone else... (sort of a big thing for me...) So to come across that I... I'm not even sure how to describe it...I just felt deflated...like all the air had been sucked out of the room for a moment.
Now yes we know that I can sometimes over react to stuff, however, I think I handled it pretty well when we were talking (via text - which btw big fucking kudos to him for starting the response with - 'I can't respond to this in text, won't get it worded correctly...' - text is a tricky fucking format when having a discussion with someone.)
So we talked it out and I thought, ok well knowing now that it bothers me I'm assuming he'll change it.
I felt much better having the reassurance there that he in fact is not looking and is quite happy in this non-relationship relationship that we seem to be in...lol (whatevs everyone calls him my boyfriend and me his girlfriend... people seem to need labels...)
Fast-forward to a couple days later (i.e. Thursday evening - after I got home from going for a smoke with Piper), I saw on my 'friend feed' that he had been active and what not while I was checking my messages. So I went over to his profile to see that we now have a mutual friend and chuckled at myself at who it was/is, and then noticed that it still said that he was/is looking for a relationship.
Didn't even get mad...got really disheartened...though didn't even really say anything about it until earlier this evening (Sunday) before I was leaving.
It bothers me. Shouldn't it?
Think what bothers me the most is the fact that by saying he's available and looking for possible relationships it tells me (even if it's not meant to convey this message) that I'm not important. I'm not good enough. He's keeping his options open in case something else comes along. I'm short term.
I've been these things. To others, I've been the weekend fling. The 'until someone better comes along'. The 'you're awesome and great but we can't be together'. The 'I love you but you're too much...'.
I've been made to feel unimportant, and the dirty little secret. I don't like it. I don't want to be that any more. Just made me feel like he's ashamed of me.
I know he doesn't love me, he's been quite up front and honest about that. There's a difference though. I'm not asking him to put anything up about the two of us being together, but to just not advertise that he's looking.
In comparison to how I used to be this is definitely not me over reacting but actually I think handling it so much better, because at least I'm saying out loud to him what bothers me and why it bothers me. Much better then clamming up and saying nothing is wrong and stewing over it for weeks and being passive aggressively bitchy...
It's the first thing that has really bothered me in the last 9 months with him. Seems so very minute of a thing and yet...
.... meh.
Onward...
The house is coming along great for the hallowe'en party that we're throwing... Sugarbear and Myself are hosting, The Man has been awesome coming over to help me with decorating during the week...which sort of weirds Leethal out when she comes to help. I think she's still trying to wrap her head around our relationships. Last weekend, The Man came over to help Sugarbear with a
I personally love seeing the two of them together. Sure they are completely different, and yet have a few different similarities...probably how/why I love 'em both.
pool table. Then they headed to The Man's fathers house (45 mins or so away) to pick up a fridge and stove, then they moved a washer out to the road and moved the fridge and stove in... (The Man also came over in the summer-ish time to help Sugarbear build his deck) I told Leethal about the two of them working together on this stuff and she was just like 'Whaaat? I don't...what?! Really? They're alright together??'
Figured out some lighting issues thanks to Sugarbears creative thinking...so I'm feeling better about the light level in the house for the party. I'm getting really excited about how it's coming together.
Can't wait to post some pics of the finished product. I have people who can't make it to the party but they've asked if they could have a tour of the house when it's finished.
Went out with Sugarbear and The Man on Saturday, we were supposed to go see one of my favourite local bands, showed up at the place and it was packed and there was a big tent outside...didn't realize the kick off of grape and wine was going to be so big at this particular bar. So we got some drinks, listened to a few songs and then the tent portion was finished for the evening...and it was going to be impossible to get inside to the bar... so I'm hoping that we can maybe go next weekend to see them at another bar in town... 1st best part of my evening (the one that happened first) holding both of their hands whilst walking back to the car.... :)
If you want to hear about the other 'best parts of my evening' you'll have to subscribe to the R rated version...lol
Sunday, December 09, 2012
People...How Dare They Be Important...
I'm up rather early today...
So much so that no one else is awake yet...I'm sure one of the boys are but they just haven't come down yet because they know that today is the day that is going to prove that the rest of the weekend was awesome...it's cleaning day...
It's funny last night I said to them that we've had fun all weekend and so that should tell them what tomorrow (meaning today) is going to be...The Manchild looked up before I said anything else and said..."I'm only doing my room" really quickly...
I shook my head slowly as I laughed..."No we need to clean the living room so that we can move some furniture around a bit so that we can put up the Christmas tree..."
I have one of those 'lived in houses'...that's what I like to call it....lol
But truly...it's a mess...full of clutter...piles of laundry that go undone...projects started that now lay on a table half done...*shrugs*
For the most part I don't particularly care...There's better things I do with my time then cleaning...I would like to be more motivated to clean...to want to do laundry...to tidy up and make everything 'look nice'...
But really when it comes right down to it I'm lazy...and I'd rather do stuff that's a lot more fun...
Lately...it's been more lazy then fun as I haven't really been able to truly feel like I'm having fun...until...
Yesterday I had some fun...as well as Friday night...
I felt a lot better.
On Friday the Manchild decided that he didn't want to go to his Dad's...said it was going to be too boring there...so...after taking the Boychild to his swimming lessons the three of us, the Man and the Boychild and myself, all went shopping for snacks...that in itself can be a big ordeal at times...we came home with nachos, nacho cheese, pork rinds, brandy beans, mint rosebuds, regular rosebuds, peanut butter type rosebuds, pringles, soya nuts, pistachios, popcorn (made here) and I feel like I'm forgetting something...but anyway...
we can be some pretty serious snackers...lol
When we got back we finished watching the movie Wrath of the Titans...then the kids noticed DrunkenMonkey was online playing Black Ops 2 and challenged him to a couple of games...so got on skype with him...and all of us, except the Man (he just enjoyed watching), took turns playing with DrunkenMonkey...
The Manchild took such pleasure in beating the crap out of him...and the Boychild loves killing him and then walking over to his body and then making his character crouch up and down while calling over to him on skype 'tea bag, tea bag, tea bag...' lol
DrunkenMonkey saw it the one time...and was all 'Duuuude!' so since then Boychild does it with relish...
I ended that night well into the earlier morning playing rock band...realizing that Krammit still has our guitar I had to use the mic...felt good about myself as I kept getting in the 90's for my percentages with the songs I was singing...
Yesterday morning I woke up... and asked the Man if he wanted to Hamilton for my extended family's Christmas party...I originally had RSVP'd that we wouldn't be going,,,mainly because my Mum and my Sister weren't going and because the Manchild was supposed to be at his dad's...
I don't know why it hit me while laying in bed yesterday morning that we should go or that I suddenly wanted to go...so we took the kids out for a nice breakfast at the diner...which it always makes me happy when four of us can go out for a yummy breakfast for under $35...but anyway...we all went out for breakfast I grabbed a couple packs of Christmas cards and came home filled them all out to take with me (including some extras in case I forgot a couple of people)...we got changed and headed out with a couple of stops to Hamilton...
I was a bit nervous truthfully...because up until this trip I had never spent any time with any of these family members without either my mum or my sister being there almost like a buffer...
So I showed up and was intrigued that I had only told 3 people that we weren't coming...and yet...nearly all the actual family members looked surprised as they got there and said 'Hey! I didn't think you were coming?!" as they hugged me...I explained that our other plans fell through and decided at last minute to come up...
If it was a small gathering I probably wouldn't have sprung it on them...but this is a big part of one section of my family...the matriarch is Ruth....and she had Harriet, Heather, Roland, Jack and Glen (twins), Bobby, and Scott... Ruth is my mum's Aunt and her kids are all my mum's cousins...
So a lot of them are my mum's age and younger...and of course they have some kids...and some of them come...they're around my age and a bit younger...and of course...now my generation has kids...so needless to say it's a fairly huge gathering when the majority of us are there...
It was so nice to just get lost in the sea of people who I knew I was safe with...no one there was going to hurt me in any way...and it was a nice place to let my guard down a bit...talked with the older cousins and asked how they've been and had them ask about us...had the comments of how I'm looking great...if I'm lucky I get to see this particular bunch of family once maybe twice a year...
it sucks but at the same time... at least when I see them and they ask 'what's new?' they're asking because they want to know, because sure some of them are on my FB but...they're actually interested...
and only those who are interested actually ask...I have to admit there are one or two people that come to these gatherings who never say a word to me...and...I'm ok with that... lol
I'm always of the mindset that no one remembers me...because I'm easily forgotten...
(this isn't just something that happens when in relationships...it's pretty much an ongoing thing through my entire life)
So it was nice that being there, pretty much by myself and having people that I haven't seen all year asking about specifics in my life... *shrugs*
I think it will continue to surprise me....which is ok...I find it nice.
I felt happy...came home and was sharing a smoke with The Man...I told him I was happy that we went...and it wasn't a lie...there were moments of happiness while there...
You see my family gets together and the guitars come out and the singing ensues...when I was the Manchilds age we would go for xmas at Ruth's house (now it's in a hall due to the size of our family) and we would eat at a huge table down in the basement (biggest room that would hold us in the house) we'd all eat together and after the dishes got cleared away the guitars would come out and the singing would start...
Not Christmas Carols...lol - far from it.... House of the Raising Sun, Proud Mary, Hotel California, Bobby McGee... Classic Rock tunes... that's what my family sings when it gets together...some newer songs get added as the kids of the kids and their kids come up through the years...last night Taylor Swift's song Never Getting Back Together made it to the list...none of the older guys knew the song to sing or to play it on the guitar...and really only two of the girls were willing to sing it...one was about the Boychild's age...around 11 or so...and the other was one of the girls from my generation singing with the younger one to help her confidence of singing in front of the family...as the song went on I couldn't help but join in...so there we were the three of us singing the song in front of the whole family...
It's always so laid back and easy...
Best way to describe it... Easy.
Ties to others are important...even if it's on rare occasions...it's necessary to have those ties to people who love and care about you...
So much so that no one else is awake yet...I'm sure one of the boys are but they just haven't come down yet because they know that today is the day that is going to prove that the rest of the weekend was awesome...it's cleaning day...
It's funny last night I said to them that we've had fun all weekend and so that should tell them what tomorrow (meaning today) is going to be...The Manchild looked up before I said anything else and said..."I'm only doing my room" really quickly...
I shook my head slowly as I laughed..."No we need to clean the living room so that we can move some furniture around a bit so that we can put up the Christmas tree..."
I have one of those 'lived in houses'...that's what I like to call it....lol
But truly...it's a mess...full of clutter...piles of laundry that go undone...projects started that now lay on a table half done...*shrugs*
For the most part I don't particularly care...There's better things I do with my time then cleaning...I would like to be more motivated to clean...to want to do laundry...to tidy up and make everything 'look nice'...
But really when it comes right down to it I'm lazy...and I'd rather do stuff that's a lot more fun...
Lately...it's been more lazy then fun as I haven't really been able to truly feel like I'm having fun...until...
Yesterday I had some fun...as well as Friday night...
I felt a lot better.
On Friday the Manchild decided that he didn't want to go to his Dad's...said it was going to be too boring there...so...after taking the Boychild to his swimming lessons the three of us, the Man and the Boychild and myself, all went shopping for snacks...that in itself can be a big ordeal at times...we came home with nachos, nacho cheese, pork rinds, brandy beans, mint rosebuds, regular rosebuds, peanut butter type rosebuds, pringles, soya nuts, pistachios, popcorn (made here) and I feel like I'm forgetting something...but anyway...
we can be some pretty serious snackers...lol
When we got back we finished watching the movie Wrath of the Titans...then the kids noticed DrunkenMonkey was online playing Black Ops 2 and challenged him to a couple of games...so got on skype with him...and all of us, except the Man (he just enjoyed watching), took turns playing with DrunkenMonkey...
The Manchild took such pleasure in beating the crap out of him...and the Boychild loves killing him and then walking over to his body and then making his character crouch up and down while calling over to him on skype 'tea bag, tea bag, tea bag...' lol
DrunkenMonkey saw it the one time...and was all 'Duuuude!' so since then Boychild does it with relish...
I ended that night well into the earlier morning playing rock band...realizing that Krammit still has our guitar I had to use the mic...felt good about myself as I kept getting in the 90's for my percentages with the songs I was singing...
Yesterday morning I woke up... and asked the Man if he wanted to Hamilton for my extended family's Christmas party...I originally had RSVP'd that we wouldn't be going,,,mainly because my Mum and my Sister weren't going and because the Manchild was supposed to be at his dad's...I don't know why it hit me while laying in bed yesterday morning that we should go or that I suddenly wanted to go...so we took the kids out for a nice breakfast at the diner...which it always makes me happy when four of us can go out for a yummy breakfast for under $35...but anyway...we all went out for breakfast I grabbed a couple packs of Christmas cards and came home filled them all out to take with me (including some extras in case I forgot a couple of people)...we got changed and headed out with a couple of stops to Hamilton...
I was a bit nervous truthfully...because up until this trip I had never spent any time with any of these family members without either my mum or my sister being there almost like a buffer...
If it was a small gathering I probably wouldn't have sprung it on them...but this is a big part of one section of my family...the matriarch is Ruth....and she had Harriet, Heather, Roland, Jack and Glen (twins), Bobby, and Scott... Ruth is my mum's Aunt and her kids are all my mum's cousins...
So a lot of them are my mum's age and younger...and of course they have some kids...and some of them come...they're around my age and a bit younger...and of course...now my generation has kids...so needless to say it's a fairly huge gathering when the majority of us are there...
It was so nice to just get lost in the sea of people who I knew I was safe with...no one there was going to hurt me in any way...and it was a nice place to let my guard down a bit...talked with the older cousins and asked how they've been and had them ask about us...had the comments of how I'm looking great...if I'm lucky I get to see this particular bunch of family once maybe twice a year...it sucks but at the same time... at least when I see them and they ask 'what's new?' they're asking because they want to know, because sure some of them are on my FB but...they're actually interested...
and only those who are interested actually ask...I have to admit there are one or two people that come to these gatherings who never say a word to me...and...I'm ok with that... lol
I'm always of the mindset that no one remembers me...because I'm easily forgotten...
(this isn't just something that happens when in relationships...it's pretty much an ongoing thing through my entire life)
So it was nice that being there, pretty much by myself and having people that I haven't seen all year asking about specifics in my life... *shrugs*
I think it will continue to surprise me....which is ok...I find it nice.
I felt happy...came home and was sharing a smoke with The Man...I told him I was happy that we went...and it wasn't a lie...there were moments of happiness while there...
You see my family gets together and the guitars come out and the singing ensues...when I was the Manchilds age we would go for xmas at Ruth's house (now it's in a hall due to the size of our family) and we would eat at a huge table down in the basement (biggest room that would hold us in the house) we'd all eat together and after the dishes got cleared away the guitars would come out and the singing would start...
Not Christmas Carols...lol - far from it.... House of the Raising Sun, Proud Mary, Hotel California, Bobby McGee... Classic Rock tunes... that's what my family sings when it gets together...some newer songs get added as the kids of the kids and their kids come up through the years...last night Taylor Swift's song Never Getting Back Together made it to the list...none of the older guys knew the song to sing or to play it on the guitar...and really only two of the girls were willing to sing it...one was about the Boychild's age...around 11 or so...and the other was one of the girls from my generation singing with the younger one to help her confidence of singing in front of the family...as the song went on I couldn't help but join in...so there we were the three of us singing the song in front of the whole family...
It's always so laid back and easy...
Best way to describe it... Easy.
Ties to others are important...even if it's on rare occasions...it's necessary to have those ties to people who love and care about you...
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Um...What?!
Wow. Um.
Shit got Real Today.
I'm not going to rehash it out here...even though I tend to share everything here on my blog...
Suffice it to say that something I never thought was ever going to happen...happened this morning...and made me want to fucking scream...was so pissed off... wanted to scream and beat the fuck out of someone... but instead I didn't get all reactionary...I realized what was going on...made a very adult decision and now am going to have a lot to do before I go away next month...
the timing was horrible...the happenstance was horrible...and I'll have to face more horrible before it's over...
*sigh*
went about the rest of my day... and what a long day it was...
went to an orientation thing for the Boychilds new school...then a tour of the college campus...then to the safety village...then lunch...then a bus ride to the new school...where we toured the school again...then picked up his new laptop and his uniform and all his school supplies...
then came home...picked up my swimsuit and the dog...then headed down to mum's for her annual BBQ where I just relaxed enjoyed myself...stopped worrying...had a nice dinner...
think the Zuulie-Bear enjoyed his time at grandma's house...he went swimming in the pool twice...ran around the pool many many times jumping over the diving board looking ever so much like a horse each time he did...
he came home fell fast asleep on the floor...not bad for a pup who started out his day in his crate for a few hours...
and now... I'm just taking a moment to breathe...and sort out how fucked up my next couple of weeks will be...
Shit got Real Today.
I'm not going to rehash it out here...even though I tend to share everything here on my blog...
Suffice it to say that something I never thought was ever going to happen...happened this morning...and made me want to fucking scream...was so pissed off... wanted to scream and beat the fuck out of someone... but instead I didn't get all reactionary...I realized what was going on...made a very adult decision and now am going to have a lot to do before I go away next month...
the timing was horrible...the happenstance was horrible...and I'll have to face more horrible before it's over...
*sigh*
went about the rest of my day... and what a long day it was...
went to an orientation thing for the Boychilds new school...then a tour of the college campus...then to the safety village...then lunch...then a bus ride to the new school...where we toured the school again...then picked up his new laptop and his uniform and all his school supplies...
then came home...picked up my swimsuit and the dog...then headed down to mum's for her annual BBQ where I just relaxed enjoyed myself...stopped worrying...had a nice dinner...
think the Zuulie-Bear enjoyed his time at grandma's house...he went swimming in the pool twice...ran around the pool many many times jumping over the diving board looking ever so much like a horse each time he did...
he came home fell fast asleep on the floor...not bad for a pup who started out his day in his crate for a few hours...
and now... I'm just taking a moment to breathe...and sort out how fucked up my next couple of weeks will be...
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
and the top stories of the night are....(not listed below)
so not feeling well...
still wearing the heart monitor for the rest of this week... but been having sinus headaches...been stuffed up...haven't been hungry...and today I started coughing...
glad I have the monitor for the rest of the week... why? well because now I can take some meds for the sickness and if anything happens with my heart I can totally hit the button...
I have pushed the button on the monitor 5 times since I got the monitor... what happens is...I feel the wonkiness (yes that's a technical term) in my heart...I push the button and the monitor starts recording for the next minute...and then it says 'hey let's go ahead and record the 15 seconds before she pushed the button'...
it's been annoying trying to sleep with it on, and trying to keep comfortable while wearing it throughout the day... but now that I've had it for over a week... it's become a small friend... lol
sort of like when I was in hospital in Toronto and I was naming all of the medical equipment... my IV standy/rolly thing was Bernie... lol
I've not named the monitor but it's called a 'King of Hearts Express AF' so I just call it Kingy... lol
I was going to update about what's been going on but I've been a bit distracted last night and today I've been trying to find a ring of mine... it's making me sad that I haven't been able to find it... when sitting down and thinking when the last time I wore it was... was in Nevada... problem is.. after asking Big Daddy...he said he can't find it there...or hasn't seen it... *le sigh* I hope it turns up... I like that ring... it's my ring from Tiffany's...
can't seem to keep a thought it my head for more then a few moments...
oh... I haven't had a chance to really saying anything about my Zuulie-Bear (aka Zuul)... Nov 30th Burton proved once again just how freakin' awesome she is and gave me a ride out to Jordan and we went and picked up Zuul... a black labradoodle bull mastiff mix puppy... who for the last couple of months has been testing our patience... scratching us up... loving us up... and growing like a weed...
that's him the first night we got him... he was born on Oct 7 and like I said we picked him up on Nov 30th...so he was just shy of 8 weeks old... I think he was already bigger then Otis... (my sister's jack russell)...
and that's him on January 3rd after having just come in after a walk...don't mind the mess under the couch I hadn't swept yet... lol
He's going to be a big boy... his mum, the labradoodle, is about 75lbs and his dad, the bull mastiff, is about 90 lbs.. according to the lady I bought him from...hence why I call him Zullie-Bear... that and he doesn't have long hair but he doesn't really have short hair... his fur is quite strange... but thankfully he does have the poodle hair/dander so he's not bothering anyone's allergies...
I swear he's tripled in size from when we first got him... I'm going to try to take a pic of him every few weeks so I can see how much he's grown...
I've got to say I've really been enjoying Skyrim (on our new ps3) every time the Manchild is here I ask him to bring it with him... this last weekend he said we could keep it for the week... especially since he has exams this week that he's studying for...I've never found a game that holds my attention like Skyrim does...
But talking about the Manchild... the change in him has been really nice... since we/I found out what's really going on at his dad's place... Manchild has been much more open about what's going on with him... I've told him numerous times that he is welcome to move in here...and he's thinking that it would be best for him to do that at the end of this current school year... he despises all the people that he's having to live with at the moment... and is pretty much convinced that his father is a dick and a douchebag... I can't really say that I blame him much...I mean there are reasons I'm not with his father anymore... that's two of them right there...but in all seriousness... the Manchild doesn't tell his dad when something's bothering him, when he's injured, what's going on in his games, what's happening at school, or as far as I know even who the latest girl is that he has a crush on... and since his father has gotten a landline at the house the Manchild has been calling me on a fairly regular basis... heck I was on the phone with him for over an hour this morning... talking about his Business exam, sopa, skyrim, mw3, his friends and what his plans are for the rest of the week... this was just after spending the weekend with him... it's been really nice to see the turn around from a sullen teen with enough attitude for an entire platoon of teens...to someone who actually does seem to care about those around him...
I have a sneaking suspicion that his father has told him that I didn't want him...that I didn't want him living with me... I do know for a fact that he used to punish/discipline/keep the Manchild in line with using me as a threat... 'if you don't smarten up I'm going to send you to live with your mother' ...I was like wtf?? when I had heard that one...
After having talked with Manchild about what I would expect of him if he were to move here... he shrugged and said that he could live with that...and he never understood why his dad thought it would be so terrible for him here...hell it's like playland here compared to at his father's...
the only thing he doesn't like is the geography... location location location... right?
all his friends are in the same city as his dad...which would be nearly 30 mins to get here if they were to come and hang out... which would also mean having to change high-schools which I know would suck...but I still think he would be a lot happier here...
meh... we'll see...
in other news...
we've had one snow fall that really counted... and the snow only stayed for a little bit... other then that it's mostly been raining... *shrugs*
and in sports related news...
the Boychild had his first big karate tournament this past weekend on the 21st...my baby... he went into kata and kumite... I was so proud of him... the tournament he was in was my old clubs annual tournament... so it was the tournaments where I had won all my medals... some of the same sensei's were there...and the president of the federation is a family friend of ours and couldn't believe first off that the Boychild was mine but also that my mum was old enough to have a grandson competing...lol
so he was in a group of 8 or 9 kids (around the same age and belt colour) that were competing in the kata portion of the competition and Boychild didn't place... but we all (and I mean all - my mum, sis, Me, the Man, my dad, the Man's dad and the Man's step-monster) told him it was alright and that he'd do better next time... then it was a smaller group that were paired up for the kumite (aka sparring) portion... two white belts (the Boychild is a white belt) and two yellow belts...he was happy that he placed 3rd... but you could tell he was not really entirely impressed...I was congratulating him and he shrugged and responded with 'yeah but it's third out of four...' I just grinned and said that it at least wasn't fourth out of four and gave him a wink... we all gave him big hugs and told him that he was great and could only get better...
but talking about all of us who were there and why it was kind of a big deal is... my father is getting a divorce from his second wife...and he has recently (beginning of Dec) moved back to the area...and when I say back to the area I mean has moved and is now living in the same city as my mother... who is not very happy to hear that... she holds a grudge better then any Scorpio I know...(well as does my sister...but anyway)
so for the first time in nearly 12 years my Mum and Dad were in the same room...didn't speak nor stand near each other...but hey it's a step... I've told them all that all of them will be invited to stuff the kids have going on... if Manchild decides to go back into ball hockey...I'll let my Dad know when his games are and such... there's no reason that he should be left out of my children's lives just because it will make my mother and sister uncomfortable... in my opinion they both need to put on their big girl panties and suck it up...
I feel like it's taken me hours to type this post... and now I'm just so tired again... think I'll be going to bed early tonight...
still wearing the heart monitor for the rest of this week... but been having sinus headaches...been stuffed up...haven't been hungry...and today I started coughing...
glad I have the monitor for the rest of the week... why? well because now I can take some meds for the sickness and if anything happens with my heart I can totally hit the button...
I have pushed the button on the monitor 5 times since I got the monitor... what happens is...I feel the wonkiness (yes that's a technical term) in my heart...I push the button and the monitor starts recording for the next minute...and then it says 'hey let's go ahead and record the 15 seconds before she pushed the button'...
it's been annoying trying to sleep with it on, and trying to keep comfortable while wearing it throughout the day... but now that I've had it for over a week... it's become a small friend... lol
sort of like when I was in hospital in Toronto and I was naming all of the medical equipment... my IV standy/rolly thing was Bernie... lol
I've not named the monitor but it's called a 'King of Hearts Express AF' so I just call it Kingy... lol
I was going to update about what's been going on but I've been a bit distracted last night and today I've been trying to find a ring of mine... it's making me sad that I haven't been able to find it... when sitting down and thinking when the last time I wore it was... was in Nevada... problem is.. after asking Big Daddy...he said he can't find it there...or hasn't seen it... *le sigh* I hope it turns up... I like that ring... it's my ring from Tiffany's...
can't seem to keep a thought it my head for more then a few moments...
oh... I haven't had a chance to really saying anything about my Zuulie-Bear (aka Zuul)... Nov 30th Burton proved once again just how freakin' awesome she is and gave me a ride out to Jordan and we went and picked up Zuul... a black labradoodle bull mastiff mix puppy... who for the last couple of months has been testing our patience... scratching us up... loving us up... and growing like a weed...
He's going to be a big boy... his mum, the labradoodle, is about 75lbs and his dad, the bull mastiff, is about 90 lbs.. according to the lady I bought him from...hence why I call him Zullie-Bear... that and he doesn't have long hair but he doesn't really have short hair... his fur is quite strange... but thankfully he does have the poodle hair/dander so he's not bothering anyone's allergies...
I swear he's tripled in size from when we first got him... I'm going to try to take a pic of him every few weeks so I can see how much he's grown...
I've got to say I've really been enjoying Skyrim (on our new ps3) every time the Manchild is here I ask him to bring it with him... this last weekend he said we could keep it for the week... especially since he has exams this week that he's studying for...I've never found a game that holds my attention like Skyrim does...
But talking about the Manchild... the change in him has been really nice... since we/I found out what's really going on at his dad's place... Manchild has been much more open about what's going on with him... I've told him numerous times that he is welcome to move in here...and he's thinking that it would be best for him to do that at the end of this current school year... he despises all the people that he's having to live with at the moment... and is pretty much convinced that his father is a dick and a douchebag... I can't really say that I blame him much...I mean there are reasons I'm not with his father anymore... that's two of them right there...but in all seriousness... the Manchild doesn't tell his dad when something's bothering him, when he's injured, what's going on in his games, what's happening at school, or as far as I know even who the latest girl is that he has a crush on... and since his father has gotten a landline at the house the Manchild has been calling me on a fairly regular basis... heck I was on the phone with him for over an hour this morning... talking about his Business exam, sopa, skyrim, mw3, his friends and what his plans are for the rest of the week... this was just after spending the weekend with him... it's been really nice to see the turn around from a sullen teen with enough attitude for an entire platoon of teens...to someone who actually does seem to care about those around him...
I have a sneaking suspicion that his father has told him that I didn't want him...that I didn't want him living with me... I do know for a fact that he used to punish/discipline/keep the Manchild in line with using me as a threat... 'if you don't smarten up I'm going to send you to live with your mother' ...I was like wtf?? when I had heard that one...
After having talked with Manchild about what I would expect of him if he were to move here... he shrugged and said that he could live with that...and he never understood why his dad thought it would be so terrible for him here...hell it's like playland here compared to at his father's...
the only thing he doesn't like is the geography... location location location... right?
all his friends are in the same city as his dad...which would be nearly 30 mins to get here if they were to come and hang out... which would also mean having to change high-schools which I know would suck...but I still think he would be a lot happier here...
meh... we'll see...
in other news...
we've had one snow fall that really counted... and the snow only stayed for a little bit... other then that it's mostly been raining... *shrugs*
and in sports related news...
the Boychild had his first big karate tournament this past weekend on the 21st...my baby... he went into kata and kumite... I was so proud of him... the tournament he was in was my old clubs annual tournament... so it was the tournaments where I had won all my medals... some of the same sensei's were there...and the president of the federation is a family friend of ours and couldn't believe first off that the Boychild was mine but also that my mum was old enough to have a grandson competing...lol
so he was in a group of 8 or 9 kids (around the same age and belt colour) that were competing in the kata portion of the competition and Boychild didn't place... but we all (and I mean all - my mum, sis, Me, the Man, my dad, the Man's dad and the Man's step-monster) told him it was alright and that he'd do better next time... then it was a smaller group that were paired up for the kumite (aka sparring) portion... two white belts (the Boychild is a white belt) and two yellow belts...he was happy that he placed 3rd... but you could tell he was not really entirely impressed...I was congratulating him and he shrugged and responded with 'yeah but it's third out of four...' I just grinned and said that it at least wasn't fourth out of four and gave him a wink... we all gave him big hugs and told him that he was great and could only get better...
but talking about all of us who were there and why it was kind of a big deal is... my father is getting a divorce from his second wife...and he has recently (beginning of Dec) moved back to the area...and when I say back to the area I mean has moved and is now living in the same city as my mother... who is not very happy to hear that... she holds a grudge better then any Scorpio I know...(well as does my sister...but anyway)
so for the first time in nearly 12 years my Mum and Dad were in the same room...didn't speak nor stand near each other...but hey it's a step... I've told them all that all of them will be invited to stuff the kids have going on... if Manchild decides to go back into ball hockey...I'll let my Dad know when his games are and such... there's no reason that he should be left out of my children's lives just because it will make my mother and sister uncomfortable... in my opinion they both need to put on their big girl panties and suck it up...
I feel like it's taken me hours to type this post... and now I'm just so tired again... think I'll be going to bed early tonight...
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
I'm not dead. yet.
I figured it was high time that I sat down and write something...
it's not that I haven't had anything to say in the last few months... it's just there was no way that I could sit down to start writing up a blog post without likely starting to cry or getting so angry that something I regretted came out...
to say that I had gotten depressed would be an understatement...a vast, huge, humongous understatement... I had stopped talking to Krammit...I barely spoke to the Man...didn't want anything to even remind me of Big Daddy... every time I went to open my mouth my eyes would begin to fill with tears... and it would take me a few moments to compose myself so that I could talk to anyone... I stopped listening to music...still have some trouble listening to a few particular singers...food was tasteless and therefore I didn't really want to eat very much nor very often...I stopped working out...I stopped going out... Burton was able to get me out of the house a couple of times to go and see PirateGirl over in Buffalo and it was so nice to be with the two of them because even though they knew that I was down they didn't try to 'fix' me or even ask me about what was bothering me... was the best thing I could have asked them to do for me...
Nothing really pulled me out of it... I just rode it out... I'm still riding it out...I knew the Dark Times were going to be hard for me this year...I don't know how I knew I just knew some how that they were going to be very difficult... and they really have been... I predict that I'll be back to myself again in February-ish...
I'm also having to deal with some health issues that I don't exactly know if I want to talk about...I know I generally always have but this just seems more severe...but how could it be possibly more severe then having a heart condition of sorts?? I don't know...
I admitted to Krammit the other day that I've foreseen me not seeing the end of the year in the same way as I am... sounds cryptic I know... but I've been having some really messed up dreams...way too realistic...
I'm confused...which I should just move there... I'm sure there's a Confusion located somewhere in the world... it seems to be my natural state so just seems like the place I should live...
Big Daddy...*sigh*...never mind I'm not even going to get into that whole conversation... let's just leave it with confusion at the moment... maybe I'll talk about it in another post... or maybe I'll just forget it...
I can't help but feel that no one really understands me...maybe it's just the pain I'm in trying to make me feel small...
the Manchild might be moving in...he has the next week and a half to decide if he's going to or not... he and his dad (and that crazy household) haven't been getting along very well...
(Yes I know this post is all over the place...but that's how my minds been the last little while) lol who am I kidding that's how my mind always is...
been thinking that the only thing that I'm good for with some of the male friends I have is sex...they don't seem to get in touch with me unless they're looking for some... some of them I haven't even done anything with which makes it even weirder... it's like I'm that 'friend' that you can send a message to that says 'I'm horny' and I'll respond with... 'that sucks what do you want me to do about it??' *shrugs*
seriously think I should have just became a prostitute...hell at least they get paid... I was making a comment to Parker (another friend of mine...female) that it seems boys pop up on the spring and winter to tell me how horny they are and how they'd like to get laid... (likely hoping that I'll offer or some shit)... they never really send me messages to say 'hi how ya doing?'... guess 'friend' is a word I use a little too loosely for them...
that can't really be all I'm good for... is it? *le sigh*
I'm having a crisis of faith... for a long time now I've been questioning what it is I believe... I may not fully believe in a Divine figurehead and I'm not sure what may change my mind one way or the other...I'm sort of on the fence... I believe in energy, that much I do know. We'll see what February brings.
there's so much more that I want to say... but I've been censoring myself from here about some specific things... I think there would have to be some changes before I divulge that stuff... just wish I could see the light...
and not the train...
it's not that I haven't had anything to say in the last few months... it's just there was no way that I could sit down to start writing up a blog post without likely starting to cry or getting so angry that something I regretted came out...
to say that I had gotten depressed would be an understatement...a vast, huge, humongous understatement... I had stopped talking to Krammit...I barely spoke to the Man...didn't want anything to even remind me of Big Daddy... every time I went to open my mouth my eyes would begin to fill with tears... and it would take me a few moments to compose myself so that I could talk to anyone... I stopped listening to music...still have some trouble listening to a few particular singers...food was tasteless and therefore I didn't really want to eat very much nor very often...I stopped working out...I stopped going out... Burton was able to get me out of the house a couple of times to go and see PirateGirl over in Buffalo and it was so nice to be with the two of them because even though they knew that I was down they didn't try to 'fix' me or even ask me about what was bothering me... was the best thing I could have asked them to do for me...
Nothing really pulled me out of it... I just rode it out... I'm still riding it out...I knew the Dark Times were going to be hard for me this year...I don't know how I knew I just knew some how that they were going to be very difficult... and they really have been... I predict that I'll be back to myself again in February-ish...
I'm also having to deal with some health issues that I don't exactly know if I want to talk about...I know I generally always have but this just seems more severe...but how could it be possibly more severe then having a heart condition of sorts?? I don't know...
I admitted to Krammit the other day that I've foreseen me not seeing the end of the year in the same way as I am... sounds cryptic I know... but I've been having some really messed up dreams...way too realistic...
I'm confused...which I should just move there... I'm sure there's a Confusion located somewhere in the world... it seems to be my natural state so just seems like the place I should live...
Big Daddy...*sigh*...never mind I'm not even going to get into that whole conversation... let's just leave it with confusion at the moment... maybe I'll talk about it in another post... or maybe I'll just forget it...
I can't help but feel that no one really understands me...maybe it's just the pain I'm in trying to make me feel small...
the Manchild might be moving in...he has the next week and a half to decide if he's going to or not... he and his dad (and that crazy household) haven't been getting along very well...
(Yes I know this post is all over the place...but that's how my minds been the last little while) lol who am I kidding that's how my mind always is...
been thinking that the only thing that I'm good for with some of the male friends I have is sex...they don't seem to get in touch with me unless they're looking for some... some of them I haven't even done anything with which makes it even weirder... it's like I'm that 'friend' that you can send a message to that says 'I'm horny' and I'll respond with... 'that sucks what do you want me to do about it??' *shrugs*
seriously think I should have just became a prostitute...hell at least they get paid... I was making a comment to Parker (another friend of mine...female) that it seems boys pop up on the spring and winter to tell me how horny they are and how they'd like to get laid... (likely hoping that I'll offer or some shit)... they never really send me messages to say 'hi how ya doing?'... guess 'friend' is a word I use a little too loosely for them...
that can't really be all I'm good for... is it? *le sigh*
I'm having a crisis of faith... for a long time now I've been questioning what it is I believe... I may not fully believe in a Divine figurehead and I'm not sure what may change my mind one way or the other...I'm sort of on the fence... I believe in energy, that much I do know. We'll see what February brings.
there's so much more that I want to say... but I've been censoring myself from here about some specific things... I think there would have to be some changes before I divulge that stuff... just wish I could see the light...
and not the train...
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Exactly 3 Weeks...
It's hard to say to someone 'hey you're being an asshole' or even 'hey that was a real jackwad thing to do' when you know the response to either one of those comments (if you get a response at all) will be 'I know, I toldja' ...
doesn't exactly take the wind out of the sails or anything like that.. but at the same time when you already know what the response will be and that it won't make the person change their behaviour...is it really worth pointing it out?
yeah...probably not...
was up at 7am this morning which I thought was going to be difficult since I didn't get to sleep until after 2am... apparently not... I went to bed angry...I woke up angry... I laid in bed staring at the ceiling for 20 minutes before actually getting out of bed just trying to get into a better mood... it sort of worked... said good bye to the Man as he's headed up to his mothers...again. 9 hour bus trip so that he can be there for a week going and picking up another 24 cords of wood...know how much that is?? yeah it'll likely take the entire time he's there to get it all... making at least 2 to 3 trips per day with the pick up truck...
he will be coming back down with the truck to pick up the boys and I so that we can go up for the weekend (not this weekend...next) so that we can go and spend Thanksgiving with his mom... I've offered to cook dinner for us all... only so I know that everyone will enjoy their dinner... lol
when the Man told his mom that I offered she commented on how sweet I was to offer... his mom loves my cooking... though I'm sure when you don't really know how to cook...
I have an appointment with my new cardiologist today...(in a few hours) I'm a bit nervous... I'm not really good with doctors in the first place... but I get this weird feeling when talking to them that they don't believe half of what I'm saying... which is generally why I take the Man with me to my appointments...I dunno almost to back me up about what happens...however I'm on my own today...gonna have to put on my big girl panties and just deal with it...
I think part of the reason why I don't think they believe me...is because so many people don't... my heart condition is one of those things where I look fine...I can do all the things that other people can do...but then suddenly it'll decide that it's time for me to stop...
I made mention when I was in Reno about the episode I had that had Big Daddy finding me passed out at the top of the stairs... yeah... still deathly embarrassing to me...
well I had also had an episode during dinner when we went out for dinner for his birthday... it was a pretty bad one as well... like hard to walk straight afterward type... started passing out in the car on the way home... pretty much seemed like we had to cut dinner short because of the stupid thing...
I hate this stupid affliction...I always feel so embarrassed when episodes happens.... I've been told that it's silly to feel that way because I can't help that I have it... but I think it's because it makes me feel so weak...and then after the episodes happen I am so weak as well...
I don't like appearing or being weak... I'm supposed to be the strong, confident head of this household...
I've been told that I'm crazy, weird and silly...on different occasions when I try to talk about how I feel because of this stupid condition...I end up just trying to keep my thoughts to myself...
I suppose Big Daddy's right though when he said that the worse thing that could come from today's appointment is that nothing new is learned... though I suppose I worry because I expect the worse and yet hope for the best... which in this case the worst thing that I could find out from this appointment isn't 'nothing new'...it's actually that it's getting worse... I will not go for that stupid ablation again... I tear up and want to cry just thinking about that damn surgery... no one I know will ever be able to understand how horrible that was for me... no amount of describing it will ever help...
two procedures I never want again and wish to never think on again... the ablation for my heart and the HSG to check my inside girly parts... *shudders*
*sighs* I suck... I wish my body wouldn't vex me so... well I wish that and for people who truly don't know about my condition to stfu when they see me using salt, eating meat, having a drag of a smoke...
alas I am just rambling now when I should be getting into the shower and then getting something to eat...
doesn't exactly take the wind out of the sails or anything like that.. but at the same time when you already know what the response will be and that it won't make the person change their behaviour...is it really worth pointing it out?
yeah...probably not...
was up at 7am this morning which I thought was going to be difficult since I didn't get to sleep until after 2am... apparently not... I went to bed angry...I woke up angry... I laid in bed staring at the ceiling for 20 minutes before actually getting out of bed just trying to get into a better mood... it sort of worked... said good bye to the Man as he's headed up to his mothers...again. 9 hour bus trip so that he can be there for a week going and picking up another 24 cords of wood...know how much that is?? yeah it'll likely take the entire time he's there to get it all... making at least 2 to 3 trips per day with the pick up truck...
he will be coming back down with the truck to pick up the boys and I so that we can go up for the weekend (not this weekend...next) so that we can go and spend Thanksgiving with his mom... I've offered to cook dinner for us all... only so I know that everyone will enjoy their dinner... lol
when the Man told his mom that I offered she commented on how sweet I was to offer... his mom loves my cooking... though I'm sure when you don't really know how to cook...
I have an appointment with my new cardiologist today...(in a few hours) I'm a bit nervous... I'm not really good with doctors in the first place... but I get this weird feeling when talking to them that they don't believe half of what I'm saying... which is generally why I take the Man with me to my appointments...I dunno almost to back me up about what happens...however I'm on my own today...gonna have to put on my big girl panties and just deal with it...
I think part of the reason why I don't think they believe me...is because so many people don't... my heart condition is one of those things where I look fine...I can do all the things that other people can do...but then suddenly it'll decide that it's time for me to stop...
I made mention when I was in Reno about the episode I had that had Big Daddy finding me passed out at the top of the stairs... yeah... still deathly embarrassing to me...
well I had also had an episode during dinner when we went out for dinner for his birthday... it was a pretty bad one as well... like hard to walk straight afterward type... started passing out in the car on the way home... pretty much seemed like we had to cut dinner short because of the stupid thing...
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| Closest thing I could find to sort of describe/show SVT |
I hate this stupid affliction...I always feel so embarrassed when episodes happens.... I've been told that it's silly to feel that way because I can't help that I have it... but I think it's because it makes me feel so weak...and then after the episodes happen I am so weak as well...
I don't like appearing or being weak... I'm supposed to be the strong, confident head of this household...
I've been told that I'm crazy, weird and silly...on different occasions when I try to talk about how I feel because of this stupid condition...I end up just trying to keep my thoughts to myself...
I suppose Big Daddy's right though when he said that the worse thing that could come from today's appointment is that nothing new is learned... though I suppose I worry because I expect the worse and yet hope for the best... which in this case the worst thing that I could find out from this appointment isn't 'nothing new'...it's actually that it's getting worse... I will not go for that stupid ablation again... I tear up and want to cry just thinking about that damn surgery... no one I know will ever be able to understand how horrible that was for me... no amount of describing it will ever help...
two procedures I never want again and wish to never think on again... the ablation for my heart and the HSG to check my inside girly parts... *shudders*
*sighs* I suck... I wish my body wouldn't vex me so... well I wish that and for people who truly don't know about my condition to stfu when they see me using salt, eating meat, having a drag of a smoke...
alas I am just rambling now when I should be getting into the shower and then getting something to eat...
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sex Dreams, Classic Cars, Birthdays and Buffalo
I'm not eating popcorn before bedtime anymore... or doing any of the other things I did last night before I went to bed...besides texting Big Daddy...I'm not stopping that...
I woke up from the weirdest....I can't even call it a sex dream, because there wasn't a whole lot of sex in it... about someone I haven't talked to in ages...and even when we did hang out together he was a friend of a friend, so when we did hang out it was only because we were hanging out with that mutual friend... yeah weird and stuff...
I don't quite remember why he stopped by the house (in the dream) but we ended up in bed making out and then The Man came home and other guy got all 'Oh shit!' and I was just like 'Meh' he's not going to be upset... and sure enough the Man walked in to put his coat away (now I knew it was a dream) and just nodded at other guy and said 'Oh hey how's it going?' Other guy starts in on all sorts of 'this isn't what it looks like'... *laughs* it was really funny... The Man was all 'meh it's alright have at her'...so other guy was still so worried about getting the crap kicked out of him that he said very quick goodbyes and left.
Now we thought he had left as in left in his car and went home...apparently he went and fell asleep in his car because another person we know that we haven't seen in ages pops up to 'drop in and say hello' (knew it was a dream by that as well...no one does that) and she said 'hey did you know that so-and-so is out in his car asleep... The Man went out woke him up told him to come in for a coffee before he leaves...(it was the next morning) and dude starts freaking out not only because had he been making out with me the night prior but now he hadn't come home and his wife (another friend of a friend) was going to be really worried and really pissed...lol
oh it was all very crazy..though I do have to say that in my dream he was a good kisser... *laughs*
Also another odd thing that happened last night was did the regular 'i love you' text to Big Daddy before going to sleep...however, I must have had a really good dream about him at some point as well because when I woke up...our chat window was still up on my screen and apparently I had sent him another text at almost 7 am... I didn't recall doing this at all...and am now wondering how many other messages I've sent to him while half to almost fully asleep...if I was fully awake I wouldn't have sent it because of the timing and figuring him already in bed...
it was a crazy night last night/this morning...
The Manchild came this weekend... I didn't smack him like I thought I would. He was actually pleasant to be around and we had some fun this past weekend. In case you're wondering why this is all a bit surprising to me is because after me being gone for over two weeks, I came home to him texting me to say he wasn't coming to my house for the weekend to which I told him that yes he was and an argument started via text... and lo and behold I just shrugged and said that I didn't fucking care anymore (not to him) and told my family to leave him in Niagara Falls...that if he was going to be a fucking asshole then I didn't want him here spreading his bad attitude to the rest of us. So I was waiting for a text on Thursday telling me that he wasn't coming again. I didn't...he showed up on Friday all cock and swagger just like he always does when he comes from his fathers house (who's actually been staying with the Junkie again...*sigh*) but he lost it pretty quick this time...thankfully.
We were both navigators on Saturday for the Journey For Sight Car Rally put on by the Lions club...that was way fun. I was asked to be a navigator but after showing up we found out that the guy I was supposed to be navigating for was scheduled to have a visually impaired lady with him (the whole thing is to raise money for CNIB...so they bring in blind/visually impaired people to navigate...for some) so I said I would back out so that she could do it. Instead they paired all three of us up. She sat in the back with the route in braille (with her pretty guide dog) and I sat in the front with the driver, and all I did even though I had the route as well was look for street signs and special signs that the Lions had along the way to point out the route. We were in a 1967 Mustang... it was niiiice. Sounded nice. *drools just a lil* (I love me some classic cars)
I got my pic taken in it as well as in a couple of the T-Birds that were there... A friend of the family was there and he had his black 1965 Thunderbird...he was mentioning that he's thinking of selling it *cries a lil* I'm not crying because he's selling or wants to sell it...but because I'd have to sell both my kids in order to buy it... it is a beautiful car... and then I was also in a red T-Bird (for a photo) I'm trying to remember what year that one was...
Anyway... my car won for the closest to the route time with a visually impaired navigator...and we had fun wit the three of us.
The Manchild was a navigator as well...he was navigating for an older couple who doesn't know the area very well...lol apparently they had fun in their car as well...the older couple dressed up like hippies and made an outfit for him as well...and surprisingly enough he was a really good sport about wearing it... so his car won for the costume portion of the day...he got a little trophy and everything...the older couple liked him very much and said what a good kid he is.
Besides all of that...this week is going to be somewhat fun...I have a date on Thursday with the Man...and a 'date' with Big Daddy on Friday...and a day planned with Burton and Pirate Girl on Saturday over in Buffalo...Usually I'm all excited about my birthday but this year...I dunno I'm really kind of 'meh' about it. The only thing I wanted was to be able to see Big Daddy and thankfully he's willing to spend some time on Friday with me via skype... so I'm happy.
The kids are both getting settled back at school...I'm awaiting some funds to really get the business rolling (however have been commissioned to do two pieces in the interim)...
Things are ... ok.
I woke up from the weirdest....I can't even call it a sex dream, because there wasn't a whole lot of sex in it... about someone I haven't talked to in ages...and even when we did hang out together he was a friend of a friend, so when we did hang out it was only because we were hanging out with that mutual friend... yeah weird and stuff...
I don't quite remember why he stopped by the house (in the dream) but we ended up in bed making out and then The Man came home and other guy got all 'Oh shit!' and I was just like 'Meh' he's not going to be upset... and sure enough the Man walked in to put his coat away (now I knew it was a dream) and just nodded at other guy and said 'Oh hey how's it going?' Other guy starts in on all sorts of 'this isn't what it looks like'... *laughs* it was really funny... The Man was all 'meh it's alright have at her'...so other guy was still so worried about getting the crap kicked out of him that he said very quick goodbyes and left.
Now we thought he had left as in left in his car and went home...apparently he went and fell asleep in his car because another person we know that we haven't seen in ages pops up to 'drop in and say hello' (knew it was a dream by that as well...no one does that) and she said 'hey did you know that so-and-so is out in his car asleep... The Man went out woke him up told him to come in for a coffee before he leaves...(it was the next morning) and dude starts freaking out not only because had he been making out with me the night prior but now he hadn't come home and his wife (another friend of a friend) was going to be really worried and really pissed...lol
oh it was all very crazy..though I do have to say that in my dream he was a good kisser... *laughs*
Also another odd thing that happened last night was did the regular 'i love you' text to Big Daddy before going to sleep...however, I must have had a really good dream about him at some point as well because when I woke up...our chat window was still up on my screen and apparently I had sent him another text at almost 7 am... I didn't recall doing this at all...and am now wondering how many other messages I've sent to him while half to almost fully asleep...if I was fully awake I wouldn't have sent it because of the timing and figuring him already in bed...
it was a crazy night last night/this morning...
The Manchild came this weekend... I didn't smack him like I thought I would. He was actually pleasant to be around and we had some fun this past weekend. In case you're wondering why this is all a bit surprising to me is because after me being gone for over two weeks, I came home to him texting me to say he wasn't coming to my house for the weekend to which I told him that yes he was and an argument started via text... and lo and behold I just shrugged and said that I didn't fucking care anymore (not to him) and told my family to leave him in Niagara Falls...that if he was going to be a fucking asshole then I didn't want him here spreading his bad attitude to the rest of us. So I was waiting for a text on Thursday telling me that he wasn't coming again. I didn't...he showed up on Friday all cock and swagger just like he always does when he comes from his fathers house (who's actually been staying with the Junkie again...*sigh*) but he lost it pretty quick this time...thankfully.
We were both navigators on Saturday for the Journey For Sight Car Rally put on by the Lions club...that was way fun. I was asked to be a navigator but after showing up we found out that the guy I was supposed to be navigating for was scheduled to have a visually impaired lady with him (the whole thing is to raise money for CNIB...so they bring in blind/visually impaired people to navigate...for some) so I said I would back out so that she could do it. Instead they paired all three of us up. She sat in the back with the route in braille (with her pretty guide dog) and I sat in the front with the driver, and all I did even though I had the route as well was look for street signs and special signs that the Lions had along the way to point out the route. We were in a 1967 Mustang... it was niiiice. Sounded nice. *drools just a lil* (I love me some classic cars)
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| Ralph and I w/ his '67 Mustang |
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| Papa's '65 and I :) |
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| Tim's Candy Apple Red T-Bird |
The Manchild was a navigator as well...he was navigating for an older couple who doesn't know the area very well...lol apparently they had fun in their car as well...the older couple dressed up like hippies and made an outfit for him as well...and surprisingly enough he was a really good sport about wearing it... so his car won for the costume portion of the day...he got a little trophy and everything...the older couple liked him very much and said what a good kid he is.
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| Manchild w/ Ted and Ruth |
Besides all of that...this week is going to be somewhat fun...I have a date on Thursday with the Man...and a 'date' with Big Daddy on Friday...and a day planned with Burton and Pirate Girl on Saturday over in Buffalo...Usually I'm all excited about my birthday but this year...I dunno I'm really kind of 'meh' about it. The only thing I wanted was to be able to see Big Daddy and thankfully he's willing to spend some time on Friday with me via skype... so I'm happy.
The kids are both getting settled back at school...I'm awaiting some funds to really get the business rolling (however have been commissioned to do two pieces in the interim)...
Things are ... ok.
