Death Has No Mercy

The moment you find out that you are pregnant...that within your body there is another being that is being formed and sustained by all that you eat and drink, that this tiny bunch of cells is forming and that you will one day get to feel it move within you...

Making it feel as though you have butterflies in your stomach at it's tiny fluttering motions, as it grows and moves...

The swell of your belly getting tighter, making your clothes uncomfortable, breasts tender and swollen, vaginal area swelling and much more sensitive...

That glow taking over and feeling just like the mother goddess as you take pride in the fact that you are now incubating another human being...

And you start almost immediately daydreaming about how you'll raise them...things you'll do with them once they're born...what you'll name them... it has to be something that hopefully they will like and not want to change... you'll dream about them being healthy and happy...

You start to get fiercely protective of them...eating right...not drinking... staying away from smokers and smoking... As they and you grow bigger... they move around kicking and pushing against some vital organs...and you forgive them the pain and discomfort they cause you, because you love them with all your heart...they are a part of you, and you know how cramped they're getting in your belly... you rub your belly in the hopes that they can feel your touch and be comforted while in utero...

Knowing that your heart beat is the loudest thing they can hear, you hope that through those beats they feel the love you have for them locked away in there...

You worry about how you'll keep them safe once you give birth to them... you wonder if they'll grow up well adjusted and knowing how much you fear that the ugliness of the world will get to them too soon... you worry about everyone who may come into contact with them and what they might learn from them as they grow...

At times you wish to just keep them from all the dangers...all the horrors...all the nasty stuff out there...

You're full of joy and worry some days one is more intense then the other and vice versa...

Then... suddenly one day you're not feeling very well... so you stay in bed... the next day you can't remember whether or not you felt the baby kick... you get up feeling a bit better... but constantly putting your hands to your swollen belly as if willing the baby to move... wait...was that a small flutter...or was that maybe a gas bubble...well now you're paranoid...you convince yourself that you felt the small flutterings and go about your day...

You get ready to go to bed... nothing different...you can't get comfortable...you're nearly 5 months pregnant...
Finally sleep comes from sheer exhaustion...even though you still don't feel 100%

You awaken in the middle of the night...in the grip of the most excruciating pain in your abdomen that you have ever felt... some unseen force is reaching through your back, trying to snap your spine in it's lethal death grip...
You try to cry out but the pain is so intense it's stolen your voice from you as the warmth seeps down your legs...your body coated with a slick sickly sweat...

You can barely move the pain is so intense...you manage to sit upright and up onto your knees...but the pain hits again and you double over your swollen belly as if to try to protect your unborn child from the pain you're in...

The black out worthy pain rolls over your body again and you feel like you're going to be sick...but instead of dry heaving you feel this intense pressure in your belly... your eyes fly open in horror as you realize that your body is trying to push out your unborn child...your hand goes between your legs as if you can somehow stop this from happening... there's a slick wetness there between your legs... when you pull your hand back you realize that your hand is now covered in dark thick red blood...

Shock tries to take over your body, it tries to make you pass out...it paralyzes you as your body feels ripped apart again from the body racking pain...your body rebels against your wishes and pushes...squeezing the tiny human being you were growing within your womb...that tiny frail miracle that you dreamed of naming...raising...loving and cuddling...expelling that tiny piece of unlimited potential from your loins...

You're left soaking with sweat, in shock, covered in blood, ready to vomit and the most precious teeny tiny baby....who is a dark blue...there's a cord wrapped around her neck...

She was dead.