Sunday, May 31, 2015

Sexual Attraction...Twice?

When I was younger I met a guy...that'll be his name for this post...Guy.

Guy and I met in grade 7 and we clicked. We would hang out at recess and lunch times. In grade 8  we just always wanted to be around each other.

I had no idea what this strange pull was, I would just always want to be around him. I had a boyfriend at the time and he didn't get along with Guy but he went to a different school. I would want to tell Guy about my day and would want to hug him when I saw him, we'd talk a long time on the phone.

Then I graduated and went to the high school that was closer to my house and I didn't get to see Guy as much because he was across town. Which in those days may as well been in another city altogether.

In grade 10, I had some issues. I ended up in a 12 step program. I showed up all nervous to this Alateen meeting and there he was. Guy saw me and his face lit up and he practically pounced on me, and I on him.

We hadn't really ever dated, never had sex...but we had made out a few times. It was more about the just wanting to be near him.

So I was way more willing to go to these meetings on a weekly basis, moreso because he was there. He was there for another reason, his was a family issue not his own.

We stood there hugging for what felt like forever, not saying a word. The person heading up the meetings told us that we could go in another room to catch up. So we did...

We walked into the other room, closed the door and looked at each other for a moment before we just hugged again and started kissing.

I hadn't felt so relaxed in a long time.

We lost touch again after a couple of years. Found each other again via the webs. Haven't had a chance to meet up in person before losing touch again.

He had been the only person  in my life that I could quickly forgive, sit comfortably in absolute silence with, felt a draw to be near him, wanted to be touching him when near him, could be silly with or completely serious with, cuddle for hours with...
Until recently I thought he was the only one I would feel that way with...

That changed. The situation is different this time though insofar as I think it's completely one sided.

I'm the one who feels this draw to this guy, that when we're together I want to be touching him, that I feel like I can just sit in silence with him or we could talk about anything...

It's a bit more adult too insofar as I really want to rip his clothes off every time I see him. I felt that way with Guy too, even though it never happened, but I just put it off to teenage hormones.
However with it happening with this other guy now too, it makes me wonder.

I don't know what to do about it.

Doubt he would enjoy me just ripping his clothes off each time I see him.

Because as much as guys say they want the chick from the porns...I think sexually aggressive women actually scare them.

Oh well.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

The Levels Of Friendship

Yeah strange title but over the last couple of weeks I've talked to a few people about this particular subject and figured what the fuck might as well put it down and post it somewhere.

It's weird to think that there's different levels to friendships...or friends really and where you place them...and maybe it is, whether we all realize we do it is a different matter completely...

I've been aware for a long time and try to keep people in the spots I choose for them, sometimes that doesn't quite work and someone will slip up... I'm alright with most people slipping down the levels.

If I've grown attached to someone as a friend then I do try very hard to keep things right with us so that I may keep them in my life and that may seem selfish inherently we're generally selfish creatures.

Passerbys - These are the people that you know from 'somewhere' that when you pass by you stop and do all the small talk pleasantries at say a grocery store. You ask about their life and they never reveal anything which is good because you didn't really care to know. You also don't share with them, generally answering the question 'What's new?' with "Nothing." Meanwhile you've experienced so much in life since the last time you did this with them. You both talk of getting together sometime, but you know it will never happen.

Friends Friends - These people are invited to outings by another friend, because you know them but you don't think of them as really a friend, even though you'll talk with them while out. When planning an outing with friends you don't really think of these people, but say yes when your other friend asks if they can come.

Booty Calls - These people... These people can be fun. However, they are usually a last moment thought in the haze of horniness or lustiness. They are that late night text saying 'Whatcha doing?' You don't make plans with these people unless those plans just consist of walking through the front door, stripping off your clothes fucking and sucking for as long as you want, getting dressed and walking out again. Fun to be had, but no real personal connection. Simply put, two consenting adults who want to use each others bodies to get off.

Friends - These people you'll text them every so often just to see how they're doing, catch up with life every once in awhile. Maybe get together for a dinner or go out to a bar to have a night of fun. They are a friend but you're still a bit guarded and don't tell them much about your chewy gooey creamy filling.

Close Friends - These are few and far between (well for me). They are that close knit group of people that you text with on a regular basis. You drop in on them just to see what's up. Help yourself to their fridge to get your own drink, inside of waiting for them to ask. You reveal problems in your life, ask for advice. You seek their company when you're feeling down. You want to share all your happy news with them. You get together for dinner, go on outings (movies, beach, camping, etc.) Share hopes, dreams, fears. Are there for them in whatever they need. Love them and consider them family.

Friends With Benefits - See Above for Close Friends + Fucking. lmao

Moving from one to the other could take some getting use to during the transition. Generally though I'm comfortable with going from one to the other.

I do have some rules that are new for FwB and Booty Calls... I've come to realize that these are needed unfortunately or people start misconstruing what is what... I'd like to prevent that from happening again.

1. No Sleepovers, unless Breakfast and/or Morning Sex is guaranteed.
2. No seeing each other more then twice a week. (For FwB it could be more but as long as hanging out for other reasons besides just sex.)
3. (For some of my FwB and BCs I've implemented...) No Kissing. (There's one especially that I just can't follow this's just too awesome...)
4. I will be honest, blunt and upfront with you about what I want and need. Do the same.

What can I say I'm a sexually active woman, with an extremely healthy appetite for sex. I want sex and am not ashamed of it, and if I want it with you, I will tell you...especially if I think the feeling might be mutual...
If it's not mutual then one just has to say the word and I won't ask again. It won't be the end of my

So yeah...these are my levels of friendship for people...feel free to ask where you are in that list...

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Me and Fitness...boring.

Pinky asked me if I would be his gym buddy when he got a membership at a local gym. We started back last Wednesday. We weighed ourselves and I was not happy. I had gained back 32 lbs of the 70, I had lost. So I was disappointed in myself.
Today being Monday and the first day of the first full week, so I suggested we weigh ourselves. Since last Wednesday I apparently lost 2.5lbs. 

We've decided on our schedule and have it so it doesn't cause issues with my derby practices. He's been here at 6:30 am to pick me up.
Mondays will be leg days...where we focus on our lower halves but also do core and abs
Tuesdays will be arms and upper body...also including core and abs
Wednesdays will be all cardio...and core and abs
Thursdays will be arms and upper body again...and core and abs
Fridays will be leg days...including core and abs

We're starting each day with at least 15 mins on the treadmill and finishing up with 10 to 15 minutes on the treadmill.

So...I'm going to not only do the weigh ins but will likely go back to measuring as well just so I can get a good feel for how I'm progressing.

So when I started last Wednesday I weighed in at 203.7 lbs... *big huge sigh* on Monday I weighed in at 201.2 lbs.

We're going to weigh in once a week, likely on Mondays, but I'll only do measurements once a month.

I was pleasantly surprised when Pinky asked me to go to the gym with him. We haven't really hung out too much lately and I had been missing him so it's nice to get to see him everyday for a couple of hours.

So here I go again with measurements...starting over.

Ankles L 9.5 R 9
Calves L 16.25 R  16.5
Thighs L 26.25 R 27
Wrists L 6.5 R 6.5
Forearms L 10.5 R 10.75
Biceps L 14.25 R 14.5
Hips 47.5
Belly 44.25
Waist 37
Under Bust 36.5
Over Bust 44
Neck 14.5
Total weight 201.2

Wednesday, May 06, 2015

New Toys

When you get a new toy you should check for sharp that pinch...and or make sure it's not defected in some way before playing with that toy...
*insert tongue into cheek*

Monday, May 04, 2015


Yesterday it was a beautiful day outside, 22 degrees (like 85F) and I put on the first summer dress of the season and went out and get some pho for dinner.

As I got ready to go to pick up some pho for my dinner, the breeze picked up just slightly and it felt really nice, and reminded me of summertime weekends on the deck. #deckdays

I was reminded and had quick flashes of memories from last year... SB and the day that The Man and PenalizeHer came over to help dig the holes needed for the deck posts...

Another day where I was sitting in a chair 'supervising' (lol) while SB and The Man were working on the deck... Another time where I was actually trying to help measure stuff... 

I remember being so nervous...He was so excited and happy to be 'finally building his deck' and I couldn't help but watch him and smile while he worked...whether he was by himself or someone was there helping... he looked so in his element and so skilled... doing everything so spot on and so quickly... I couldn't help but be so impressed by him... asking him questions...wanting to pick his brain to learn anything I could... then apologizing for asking so many questions... but having so many more I wanted to ask...

I didn't want to screw up when he did ask for a hand with something... I think mostly because I didn't want to seem useless... or have him upset with me

Oh his face though when he was done just the most basic part of the deck... the grin and the sense of happiness and accomplishment radiated...

I couldn't believe how quickly it all happened...

Then there was talks of a pergola and showing me a rough plan for benches that he thought of while at work and how he was going to make those...and he seemed excited to show them to me to help me visualize his idea...

The pergola was done in a weekend and it looked great...providing a sense of privacy  but also housing the BBQ...
Which we had been using a lot...that man knows his way around a grill... lol

Cold beers and ciders were had and good food was eaten...and we didn't much care what was happening in the rest of the world...

Those were some good deck building weekends...

 Thought I'd share a happy memory... before mentioning...yet another death in my family. My dads cousin just passed...another cancer victim in the family. :(


Yep up to 10 since last September.
Rest in peace Randy.

And people wonder why I dwell on good memories, take lots of pictures and try to see the positive in even the darkest of times...

Life is too short for anger, misunderstandings and hate... Life should be lived to the fullest to make you the happiest you can be in this short time that we're here on this ball of dirt...

Love hard and love often...

Friday, May 01, 2015

Outsiders are Dangerous.

I had an interesting conversation the other day with Martin (boarder staying with us). We were discussing relationships and the biggest issue that will ever come up and the biggestthing that will cause hardships in any relationship.

A relationship is any sort of connection between two people who know each other. Mother and son, son and father, boyfriend and girlfriend, lovers, room mates, even casual acquaintances...

The biggest thing to come between two people, to put doubts in their minds, to make them think twice about the other person, to make them wonder by placing thoughts in their minds... People.

Other people that aren't in the relationship. Perhaps out of jealousy...usually out of some sort of selfishly motivated jealousy.

There are genuine people out there that do actually hope for your happiness...they may even believe that them saying things about the other person is for that persons 'own good'.

What they don't realize is people are selfishly motivated...even if they don't realize it.

Sisters telling brothers that they're choice in friends is questionable. Sons telling mothers that their new boyfriend is a doofus. Best friends telling each other that their choice of significant other is sketchy. Daughters telling fathers that they don't feel right about his new girlfriend.

He said, She said games should never be played.

This is why I'm an advocate for open and honest communication with those whom you deem important in your life.

I have surprised friends with how frank I can be with them. Some people it has offended and turned them on their ear, those that stayed have been the ones that have told me that they appreciate my honesty, even if sometimes can be brutal. And they've even found it somewhat

Other peoples opinions should never influence your opinion of someone else. Be an adult and form your own judgements and opinions about those you let into your life. Get to know them for who they are and how they make you feel and how they are to you.

Especially if outside people are offering you their insights without your asking them for the opinion.

The only way to cultivate true and meaningful relationships with honest interactions.

Not just honest as in lying. Honest as in being true to who you are with others. Take the time to listen, truly listen, when they are talking to you. 

Always believing that people have nefarious motives or aren't being honest, is paranoid and self harming. You will end up with no real true friends, that is a tragedy.