This Used To Be A Fun House... But Now It's Full Of Evil Clowns...

As people get older it becomes harder and harder to hold on to those child like dreams and hopes that are bigger then big and totally attainable...

It took me until I was 31 to really see that if you hope and dream hard enough they still won't come true. The older you get the more you realize that people don't act like those people in the movie.

The couple that were meant to be that the audience so badly wants to see together don't actually have it in their heads that they really would move heaven and earth to be together, that instead they're more willing to just give up then take that leap of faith and try it. The only time that you're a failure is when you stop trying. But real people don't take that chance, they don't take that leap of faith and run after that person they should be with, they don't hop on planes and chase them across the country, they don't suddenly realize that their entire life would be dark without that certain someone and set out to get them back in their life. They just don't. Instead they turn their backs on their would be happiness, they shut the door before finding out what was really behind it, and they look for something else instead.

I used to think that the fairy tale endings do come true, and that the princess always got her knight in shining armour and that the lil girl always would have her daddy. Key word to that... used to.

I started to go numb... I cut off my hair... dyed it a different colour... and started doing stuff like... cancelling meetings... dodging phone calls... not wanting to leave the house... not even wanting to have sex...

Then my grandma died... I began to realize how short life is and realized that there isn't a romantic comedy fairy tale ending and have gone numb...

I go through the motions... I'll laugh at jokes and though it may not sound it to others I hear the emptiness in those laughs... I smile when people talk to me when really I just want them to go away so that I can be by myself...

I'm sure it will pass eventually... and I will grieve and I will move on... and I will vow again to never do again what it is I have done before... will it stick? I don't know... but I do know that I'll most likely end up being more sarcastic... more cynical... and just a tad bit more bitter...

I'm not really surprised I should have realized that it was a stupid dream and that it wouldn't come to fruition, but I had that child like fantasy going for me that keep me companhy in the dark, that made me day dream the future, that let me think that every thing would be ok.

Well Virginia there is no Santa Claus... and while we're at it... There's no Easter Bunny, or Tooth Fairy... what there is.. is hurt, and heart ache, darkness and sorrow... and they take no prisoners and they grant no mercy... so buck up lil girl it's just going to get worse...

What ever happens will happen, and this too shall pass...

As I said my maternal grandmother died on January 18th... I don't really know what else to say about it... I have nothing except the whole circle of life crap to spew about it... I loved my grandma... and I know she loved me... and because I don't have some sort of fucked up view about who gets into heaven and who doesn't, I'll just say that I know I'll see her again... and when I do I'll thank her for saving me a seat.

See The Light That's Right Before My Eyes

I think sometimes that some of you forget...

I see you.

*points finger at a couple of you*

I see you log on, what you've read, how long you were here and which door you left through.

do you think I'm fuckin stupid?

Enjoy.

*laughs*

... not even listening to music ...

We stop ourselves from living the life we desire due to a series of imagined problems or restrictions.

Rather than focus on the present, we have focused on the future
and imagined it to be other than according to our wishes and dreams.

Keep your ears and eyes open to see where in your day to day
activities (and thoughts), you block yourself
from your good with a 'because'.

Take a look at your thoughts and your patterns
and weed out the negative programs that trip you up.
Take charge of your life and let your guide be the joy within.

Don't let old programming ruin your life
and take the joy out of living.

Don't stop yourself from enjoying the now
because of an imagined tomorrow or a remembered yesterday.

Take a look at how you're stopping yourself from being happy.
It's all up to you, no buts (or because) about it.

Marie T. Russell
Excerpted from
I Can't Do That Because...

I'm Fighting Hard To Hold My Own I Just Can't Make It All Alone ... Beggin, Beggin You... Put Your Lovin Hand Out Darling

Winter is not a time to be trying to look sexy...

So right now there's about a foot of snow on the ground, it's been cold and I've been having to walk the kid to school...

I roll out of bed... put on a pair of lounging pants, socks (up and over the cuff of the pants), shirt (preferably long sleeved), another pair of heavier pants (jeans, polar fleece or my paint ball pants), another shirt, out to the door I go after putting that on... then on go the boots (from the boys section at the department store - kids have better boots) that go up past my ankles (and therefore force me to march rather then walk), hoodie zipped up, monkey toque, hood on hoodie goes up now, scarf (which most times will get pulled up over chin, mouth and nose, coat (puffy adidas coat, with broken zipper and is about 12 years old - yes I have others), black leather gloves and immediately step outside so that I don't have an episode from being over heated....

So yeah if I was actually trying to get picked up by someone they'd have to peel back all the outer layers to see if I'm even female.. *laughs* then I can't help but wonder how was it I used to leave the house as a teenager with my coat in my hand while wearing a tshirt and a pair of jeans, with some sneakers...

So... it's the new year...

usually the first post of the new year is where people would sum up the year and go on about either how long or how short the year has been...

This year... yeah same thing... :P

I have no idea what happened until May... Yep was just boring I suppose... actually it was before that... yeah Big Daddy came into my life in January but it was in April that he totally stole my heart... then he did it again in August... En su bolsillo...

February my eldest baby (the manchild) had his coming of age ritual...

After a year of fertility stuffs we decide to stop going to see the doctor about... if it happens it happens... The Man and I celebrated 11 years together... we had some upsets within the pagan community... I started teaching again... as of last week I have 3 students... I've taken over High Priestess duties to a local circle of pagans... I've found out who my real friends our and have kept them close... Big Daddy came to visit me and meet the fam, I was over the moon, the kids like him, boychild more I think because he spent more time with him. The Man likes him as well *smiles* and well we know how I feel about him. Broke my heart that he had to leave again, but he promised he'd be back. I believe him. ... unfortunately there was some other heartaches throughout the year... none worth mentioning... good things... the Womens Circle has been going for nearly a year now... Lions have made it so I can continue to be one... DCN... still on the board and still running the euchre tournament... got fired from the Mush...

isn't the motto or slogan of the New Year ~ Out with the Old and In with the New ~ ?

Apparently for this new year it's Out with the old and in with the old...

There's not really many who have been following my blog since it's inception way back in like 2004 or 2003 or whenever it was... (shit I'll have to check on that...) but there might still be one or two that have... anyway...

Some might remember nightvision/drunkenmonkey being spoken about... like how he had ripped out my heart and did a Mexican hat dance on it and then left the Man and friends to pick up the pieces and try to convince me that I am worth something... right got that image in your head now? ok... so... I spoke to him the other day.

Most people know how laid back The Man is ... he wasn't the other night... nor last night. Something's really gotta be bad for him to say something to me about it... because we know he generally lets me get away with doing whatever it is that I want... and he spoils me in all sorts of way. Last night, he came out of the bedroom and found out I was talking to drunkenmonkey... and gave me one of his stern looks and let me know just how much he hates that idea and I know it's because he's worried ... with good reason. I've already questioned him (not The Man) on the shit that went down like 5 years ago... we've talked a bit each time about what happened, not so that I can try to get with him or him with I... that door was pushed closed a long fucking time ago... and though the door was closed I never got the closure... I was left with being insecure with whether or not I was worth anything... he said things to me that didn't just hurt me but scarred me and fucked me up... big time.

So most... like The Man and Swift... wants to know wtf I'm doing talking to him. I've been told I'm too forgiving... and maybe that's right... but. I needed my questions answered. I've no intention of ever giving that man anything that he could ever hurt me with.

And while on the subject of Swift... had a bit of a convo with him the other day... I'm a big pack rat... and I realized that some shit just shouldn't be kept... and especially kept on my computer anymore...

I've limited my time on the mush to just one alt and that's one that most just don't rp with. So we'll see how it goes... all the others are in the freezer so I can't even pop on to just see what's going on.

So yeah... not sure if there's anything else right now... gotta say I don't that's too bad for only having 3 1/2 hours of sleep. Think I might take a nap before having to tidy up a bunch of stuff before class tonight. Hmmm maybe I'll nap on the couch, then the cats can curl up with me. (they haven't been allowed in the bedroom or upstairs)

Oh yeah... was gonna go back to take another Spanish course... :( no go... couple reasons... too much (sorta - $112 + course materials of $20) I mean could have swung it but... classes fall on Tuesdays (class nights)... and it would take two buses to get there... All doable but... I can't really justify spending a hundred and thirty bucks (+ bus fare each week) on myself... I know that with the girls I can change the day for classes and it wouldn't be a great upset... but it's the spending that much on something for myself...

I dunno maybe it's the new year or something but I usually end up getting the itch to pick up a course or two around this time of the year... still slowly working on my degree... very slowly... like at a crawl slow... and then I have this thing where I'd like to expand on my little tiny bit of French and Spanish... *shrugs* yeah... I'm weird I know...

I suddenly feel like painting today...