As people get older it becomes harder and harder to hold on to those child like dreams and hopes that are bigger then big and totally attainable...
It took me until I was 31 to really see that if you hope and dream hard enough they still won't come true. The older you get the more you realize that people don't act like those people in the movie.
The couple that were meant to be that the audience so badly wants to see together don't actually have it in their heads that they really would move heaven and earth to be together, that instead they're more willing to just give up then take that leap of faith and try it. The only time that you're a failure is when you stop trying. But real people don't take that chance, they don't take that leap of faith and run after that person they should be with, they don't hop on planes and chase them across the country, they don't suddenly realize that their entire life would be dark without that certain someone and set out to get them back in their life. They just don't. Instead they turn their backs on their would be happiness, they shut the door before finding out what was really behind it, and they look for something else instead.
I used to think that the fairy tale endings do come true, and that the princess always got her knight in shining armour and that the lil girl always would have her daddy. Key word to that... used to.
I started to go numb... I cut off my hair... dyed it a different colour... and started doing stuff like... cancelling meetings... dodging phone calls... not wanting to leave the house... not even wanting to have sex...
Then my grandma died... I began to realize how short life is and realized that there isn't a romantic comedy fairy tale ending and have gone numb...
I go through the motions... I'll laugh at jokes and though it may not sound it to others I hear the emptiness in those laughs... I smile when people talk to me when really I just want them to go away so that I can be by myself...
I'm sure it will pass eventually... and I will grieve and I will move on... and I will vow again to never do again what it is I have done before... will it stick? I don't know... but I do know that I'll most likely end up being more sarcastic... more cynical... and just a tad bit more bitter...
I'm not really surprised I should have realized that it was a stupid dream and that it wouldn't come to fruition, but I had that child like fantasy going for me that keep me companhy in the dark, that made me day dream the future, that let me think that every thing would be ok.
Well Virginia there is no Santa Claus... and while we're at it... There's no Easter Bunny, or Tooth Fairy... what there is.. is hurt, and heart ache, darkness and sorrow... and they take no prisoners and they grant no mercy... so buck up lil girl it's just going to get worse...
What ever happens will happen, and this too shall pass...
As I said my maternal grandmother died on January 18th... I don't really know what else to say about it... I have nothing except the whole circle of life crap to spew about it... I loved my grandma... and I know she loved me... and because I don't have some sort of fucked up view about who gets into heaven and who doesn't, I'll just say that I know I'll see her again... and when I do I'll thank her for saving me a seat.
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