Friday, January 31, 2014

Sometimes It's Just Silence You Need...

Last night I went to derby practice and sat out, I had one of my team mates skate up to me about half way in and ask me what was broken...generally just her way of asking why I wasn't skating.

Truth is I feel broken... I feel like for the last two weeks there's been some civil unrest within my body as I try to do the battle of staying on track and healthy and not having enough money to stay on track and be healthy.

I would sit at my desk and want to cry at the smell of potatoes cooking in the kitchen because I know that I can't eat them but know that there wasn't much left in the kitchen that I could eat.

I would frown and feel sad when having to put rice on my plate because besides a piece of chicken or pork chop there wasn't anything else that I could eat for dinner.

Then of course I would feel ridiculous because at least I had food in the house where I could provide a 'decent' meal for the rest of my family and I should have felt happy about that, but all I could think about was how much pain that food was going to cause me.

It has caught up to me today and that civil unrest within me has turned into a full scale civil war and the south is unhappy. So many aches in my joints, my back hurts when it's straight...and when I slouch.
I'm on the verge of screaming in anger and screaming in pain...but trying very hard to not scream at all.
I want to cry because now that I know what it feels like to be better it feels a thousand times worse when I am forced to fuck it all up.

My ankle feels like it did when I got the ability to walk on it again after getting my cast off. My knees are not happy campers at all. My sinuses are stuffed and it feels like my head is going to explode from this stupid headache that I have.

I feel like if I open my mouth to hold a 'normal' conversation I'm either going to cry or scream in the persons face that they don't understand what's happening inside of me and how dare they try to talk to me when I'm in so much pain.

When like this you can't see it from the outside, you can't tell I'm in pain, unless you really know me. How am I supposed to expect people to know if I don't tell them. I just can't put into words how much this sucks.

To make things worse since I've decided to start doing the weigh ins again I know there is one coming up and I'm not looking forward to seeing how that is going to turn out. I figure I'll have gained weight and it'll just depress me even more.

On top of all this bullshit with me...

A man I once loved very much, is having his preliminary hearing today, after having been arrested last week.

I was stunned into silence, confusion, disbelief and so many other emotions when I had found out that the DrunkenMonkey had been arrested on 27 counts of sexual abuse of a child, 1 count of continual sexual abuse of a child, 1 count of sexual exploitation of a child, 1 count of  providing alcohol to an under age person, 5 counts of sexual solicitation of a child, 2 counts of endangering the welfare of a child and 2 counts of unlawfully administering drugs.


He was held with a $799 600 secured bond.

Yeah been trying to process that for nearly a week. How is it that someone can sink so low?
I knew he needed professional help for his alcohol abuse but he had been going to counselling...

I was thankful that his (now ex) girlfriend had let me know immediately, because people we had mutually known had started to message me with a 'You'll never guess what's going on in Dover.' So thankfully I didn't get blind sided by those who just wanted to gossip and point.

I know what he did is sickening. I feel more disappointed in him then anything else at this point. I would love to have a conversation with him and just say 'What the fuck were you thinking?! She was your 13 year old step daughter. You were supposed to be her Daddy, and protect her from shit like this happening to her, not do it to her.' Well that and 'No seriously, what happened...?'

I've told Krammit and The Man, that at this point after he's found guilty and put in prison I'll just be waiting to get the message that he's been killed. If he ends up in Gen Pop he's a dead man. I will feel bad, and I'm definitely not wanting or wishing for that to happen, but I'm sadly expecting it.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

I Smell Sex and ... Movies?

So sometimes one can just be so overwhelmed by lust that they forget what's going on around them...

I sort of had this list of strangest movies to ever be playing in the background while making out with or having sex with someone...

Movies that kind of make you go....uh...really...that movie?

The one that had been at the top of the list was the Powerpuff Girls movie...
Yep that happened... Actually with Bing...had been falling asleep after a long day of traveling to get out west...and when he gave me a kiss it just sort of turned something on...and when I say something I mean

So this past weekend I'm fairly certain that the Powerpuff Girls got bumped out of first place by Justin Biebers Never Say Never movie...

Started making out before it started while laying on the couch...and a little while and a bunch of fun later... I laughed as I realized that Bieber wad singing and looked up to see his movie on...

Man talk about  getting wrapped up in what you're doing...lmao

Wanted to share something funny before sitting down to post about some more disheartening stuff that has happened.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

The 5th Cycle of 7 years...

I think that my subconscious is trying to work something out.

I woke up this morning at 7am and immediately wanted to go to the gym, woke up The Man and asked him if he wanted to go with me. He didn't really want to go but up he got and away we went.

We did a kilometre of walking first and then went and did some yoga and some core exercises. I went on to do another kilometre of doesn't sound like much but I'm just getting back to it, and frankly the only reason I stopped today was because we thought we were on a time constraint... I didn't want to stop...and I don't know why.

Don't know why I was up so earlier the last little while... Don't know why I'm waking in a good mood more often then not... Don't know why I'm so tired so early in the evenings either... Not complaining...just confused.

Just like I don't know why suddenly I'm purchasing pink clothing... Well not a I picked up two pink coloured tops today while out... I don't like pink... But I just had to have these two shirts...and a cute super new pair of's like I'm going girly...

What the hell is that about...

Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Learn All The Things!!

So I enjoy learning and have really loved taking these online courses.

They keep me busy... keep me distracted...and...teach me stuff that I didn't know before... and colour me geeky but I enjoy them...

I completed Introductory Human Physiology (Duke)...I do not have any sort of background in science of any kind... I quit sciences in grade 10 and wasn't interested in them...likely because of how they were taught and what was being taught...just not stuff I was interested in...when I went to college I dropped my Horticulture program because there was 'too much science'... so yes I was a little disappointed with the grade that I received was such a low grade in this course... but after some thought I realized that I did pretty well for a non-science person... so I'm not ashamed to admit I only received 55.6% in that course.

I also completed a Social Psychology (Wesleyan) course as well, now psych is something I am most definitely interested in and it usually comes quite naturally, and I absolutely loved this course. I dropped the ball one week and missed half of the assignment that I needed to hand in, talk about a large-ass fucking brain fart. I know I would have done much better if I would have gotten it finished too. So not quite so proud of my 70.5% but still happy to complete it.

I've just completed (yesterday) another psych course (with a long ass name) The Mind Is Flat: The Shocking Shallowness of Human Psychology (Warwick). It was a different sort of layout and through a different web site, but was still a very interesting course that just made me think a bit more about...well... a lot of things and how it is humanity tends to think about stuff. Walked away from that one with a 76.2%, but also didn't have the money to be driving up to Toronto to pay to take an exam, so that percentage is just from the tests that we did each week throughout the course.

I was also in a course Think Again: How To Reason and Argue (Duke)...however...I got to the last weekend of it and there was a choice of doing the exam for the course or go to New York City... I chose NYC. :D
(Wouldn't you?)
So I did sign back up for that course again so that I can finish it, only because it does bother me that I didn't get it finished.

So besides patting myself on the back for doing something constructive with my time to distract me. I also wanted to post about the courses because I've signed up for some

I thought I had spread them out enough so that I wouldn't be swamped like I was before with the three at the same time...apparently

Coming up...

January 13th - Think Again: How To Reason and Argue (Duke)
January 15th - Introduction to Communication Science (Amsterdam)
January 27th - Corpus Linguistics: Method, Analysis, Interpretation (Lancaster)
February 17th - Understanding Drugs and Addiction (King's)
March 31st - Introduction to Public Speaking (Washington)
March 31st - Forensic Science and Criminal Justice (Leicester)

So as I was putting these into my calendar I sort of went... uh oh... some of these (ok...most) courses will overlap each other by a few weeks...

I believe in March, four of them will over lap for a couple of weeks, two will end on the 31st of March just in time for the two others to start that day...

all I say to this is...

Weigh #1 ... Here We Go Again.

In the spirit of getting back into shape, adhering once again to my dietary restrictions and working out, I've decided once again to start keeping track of my measurements.

I'm not looking back to see what they looked like before, because if I do that I will just be upset with the fact that I allowed myself to go back up again and that may discourage me from moving forward.

This time The Man will be keeping track of his measurements as well, although has asked that I don't post them online, which I of course won't do unless I have his permission.

So not only am I keeping track of them here on my blog but I've also got a lovely journal (that I got from my lovely wife) that I"ll be keeping track of our monthly measurements.

I found this the most helpful way last time to keep track of my weight-loss and muscle gain as well.

So here we go... Measurements are in inches...and I forgot to get my weight while at the gym today so I'll have to grab it tomorrow.

Ankles L - 9  R - 8.5
Calves L - 16  R - 15
Thighs L - 25 R - 26

Wrists L - 6 R - 6
Forearms L - 10 R - 10
Biceps L - 13 R - 13

Hips 44.5
Waist 36
Belly 44
U. Bust 36
O. Bust 43
Neck 15

Weight **191lbs**

I went back to the gym today for the first time in a long while and it was good.

Did 23 minutes on the treadmill @ 3.5 mph that got me all warmed up and so then I went upstairs and did a bunch of stretches and core exercises... I didn't want to bust my ass too much I am suppose to skate tomorrow...