What's Going To Happen Next...?

I've been entirely too comfortable in the situation I've been in since the long weekend at the beginning of August.

I have essentially been living in Guelph, with Noise.
For reasons that aren't my business to be sharing, needless to say I've been driving him back and forth from Guelph to Stratford every morning for work, and from Stratford back to Guelph each evening after work. To some that might be a huge inconvenience, I've actually really been enjoying it.

It's coming to an end at the beginning of October, I'm sure he'll be glad to be rid of me and not have to deal with silent car rides or my dislike of loud music in the morning.
I'm going to be sad, I know I am because I'm already sad as the days tick on. I've really enjoyed staying with him. As I've said a bit too much I think.

It's weird, I was so excited about moving into a new apartment down in St Catharines, but now when I've been there I just sort of feel like a visitor in what's suppose to be my own home.

I haven't been great at showing or hiding my emotions at times. This has been no different. I feel the end coming. I started to well up a couple of times. I'm gonna miss him and the days we've had together.

Ridiculous notion came into my head the other day while I was doing some errands around Stratford... Lots of the stores that I went to all had help wanted signs up and on more than one occasion I actually found myself saying 'hm I could work here' - to myself of course.

I don't know how to say what it is that I'm thinking at the moment, and I fear if I was to say any of it that it would likely just freak him the fuck out. So I keep things to myself.
I've been genuinely happy - since about April. Happy with myself especially. I feel like I woke up and came back to myself after all the unpleasantness that I had been through and shut myself away because of.

I don't know what's going to happen from here on out - my life has been sort of hanging in a weird limbo of uncertainty, which I've been oddly okay with...until now.

Something for the last couple of days has been gnawing at me and I can't quite put my finger on it. Perhaps I just don't want to admit it either. It's going to be painful. It's going to be a change that I'm not going to like...I'll adapt. I always do after all.

It's what I do. I help. I fix. Then I'm on my way, sometimes voluntarily sometimes not. Can't hold on to something too tightly or it slips away even faster. We shall see though - like they always say No One Knows The Future... except the Shadow knows...lol

I just wish I had the stability to put my feet down - hanging in limbo can get so taxing on the soul and the spirit.

What's going to happen to me?

I'm Still Here - Birthday

In 11 days I will be celebrating my 40th birthday...

My birthday is really important to me, more so now then when I was a kid.
I truly believe that I've been living on borrowed time...there's 3 times in my life that I've either flat-lined or been close to dying or the doctors didn't know how I was still alive let alone conscious.

So to me each year is a gift - it's probably why I love so intensely, so fully and why I just take the moments to experience everything I can... from taking a moment to appreciate the cloudiness of the day before walking into the house...to standing in the rain and smiling...literally stopping to smell the flowers when I can...listening to the silence of the night...watching a bug crawl by...feeling - everything.

Overall I am happy with my life, and happy to have it - I'm glad I it wasn't taken from me when I had tried to end it before.

Lately my happiness hasn't been shown outwardly enough for some - I'm really not all bouncy, giggly, and all laughs when I'm happy. I'm much more introspective now. Obviously I laugh or smile at jokes, I just don't feel the need to be goofy to show happiness. Maybe that's me just getting old...lol

I know there's a lot of people out there who just don't care about their birthdays, my father is one of them, and I get that. It's not about presents to me it's about presence. I want to spend my day with people who truly care that I'm alive, that appreciate my presence in their lives, that care that I am still walking this big ball of dirt - with people I love very much.

It's been a struggle, a fight, at times a massive war to get to 40...there's been trauma, abuse of all kinds, medical issues, heart breaks, anxiety, depression, deaths... so you're damn right I'm going to celebrate still being here...I just wish those I love would be too.

Saved My Life...Twice.

I started this post a few weeks ago...probably a couple months ago now since it's nearly October...and I didn't have it in me to share it with anyone... I'm not sure why I am now... but I need to put it out there.


For awhile a lit bit ago... I was very seriously depressed and locked within my own head... it was very hard for me to deal with it.

I went to work...went to derby...went to the gym...went to bed... that is how my schedule has been for the last few weeks.

I have a job that takes very little brain power...so for an extreme over thinker such as myself it left my brain free to think about everything and over think everything as well.

I try very very hard to hide my depression when I'm in the midst of a spell of it like that.
I don't want for my friends and especially my family to see how dark my thoughts can be.
The idea of them knowing scares me a bit...what if they reject me because of those thoughts...or even worse try to have me committed because of them.

I joke around with some of my friends by saying stuff like 'I need adult supervision...' when doing something as easy as putting on sunblock.

A couple of weeks back I went to the beach twice with Sugarbear (...I really do need a new nickname for him...and soon...) in the span of a week. The first time a blanket was brought and some refreshments and we stayed for awhile...
I swam out and just kept swimming until I looked back at one point and everyone seemed small on the beach...Sugarbear was laying on the blanket. I turned and swam out further and was accompanied with the thought of...if I drown out here there would be no mess to clean up...if I just keep swimming eventually I wouldn't be able to continue...
I turned back and saw SB on the blanket and he was laying with his face turned toward the water...and even if he wasn't looking at me at the time it looked like he was...and I felt a bit guilty, I swam back in...and shortly after that we left.
Ended up having a nice dinner and a nice evening together...but in the back of my mind I knew...I knew that I had wanted to keep swimming and not come back earlier.

The second time I had sent SB a text earlier in the day suggesting we go take a dip in the lake after work. When he didn't answer me by the time after work rolled around I showed up at his place to ask him.

We went...not sure he really wanted to...but I'm glad he came...even though he didn't stay in long...and made it seem like he wanted to leave... I got to have a nice swim...but the urge to swim out in the rough water that day was really strong again...

I had thought several times and contemplated on a couple of occasions about harming myself or committing suicide.

I didn't say anything to anyone. Still technically only told two people.
When I have some people in my life whose response to stories of people taking there own lives is a good riddance type of feeling, it's  hard to work up the nerve to say anything.

The thoughts have gone again and I'm feeling much better again.

However I am quite certain that Sugarbear saved my life twice...

August Weigh In

I've been getting frustrated because I've been going to the gym and working out pretty hardcore actually...plus been going to derby and instead of seeing any signs of my weight going down I seem to keep yo-yoing up and down with the same 5 pounds.... not even going to lie it's been quite discouraging...

And with not getting feedback from those around me it seems like nothings changing at all...it genuinely makes me feel like being a girl about it and crying...

Ankles   L 9 (same) R 8.5 (same)
Calves    L 16 (-0.5) R 16 (-1)
Thighs    L 26 (same) L 26 (same)
Wrists     L 6.25 (-0.25) R 6.5 (same)
Forearms L 10.5 (-0.25) R 10 (-0.75)
Biceps     L 15 (+1) R 14.75 (+1)

Hips 46 (+1)
Belly 40.5 (-4.5)
Waist 36.25 (-2.75)
U.Bust 36 (+0.5)
O.Bust 41 (-3)
Neck 15 (+0.5)

I seem to still be hovering around the 205 lbs mark I wasn't able to actually weigh myself because I wasn't at the gym on Monday like usual - Pinky's off camping right now until tomorrow...

Sorry to Suck, Swallow and Run...But...

Doing something today that I haven't done in a long time, taking time out of my day to sit down and write up a proper blog post. It seems like since the beginning of the year I haven't really sat down and typed out the stuff that rolls around in my head. I know why part of that is and I may finally touch on that today. The long of it is...this is likely to be a pretty long blog  post that goes a bit everywhere.

Not even sure where to start...

Been taking a more proactive stance when it comes to derby. Trying to do what I can to keep the forward momentum with the league going. Offering suggestions and help when and where I can to different people and committees. So far since the restructuring people seem very open to it. Let's hope it keeps going that way. I have had a couple of issues with  a couple of the refs who seem to be on a power trip of sorts but hopefully that's getting sorted out.
Our next round of games starts again in September...as does the next set of FM training. So that means more intake sessions. Hopefully switching up the format for that...wish me luck.

A couple of weeks ago I told the Man that I missed seeing #DD every day...then #DD called me and asked me about coming back to the farm for cherry sorting.
I love #DD, one of my best guy friends like ever...oddly enough since I don't tend to get too close with dudes until I've slept with them.
I love seeing him every day he's one of those people with the energy that just makes me want to hug them every time I'm near them. Odd reaction but there's a few people like that in my life.
Anyway... I love seeing him every day even though it's not for hangouts...but I dislike the job. I mean I hate anything that is 'work', that's why if I've said it once I've said it a million times, I wasn't built for working...I was built for being a housewife and a porn star.
There are several times a day after noon that I picture myself just walking out and going home...or just killing myself.
There's a couple things that I'm holding onto that stop me from walking out or offing myself... I love #DD and either of those would likely hurt him...I want a new tattoo... and I want to go on a vacation...
If I don't have goals...amirite?

Burton came home for two weeks... it was too short.
I understand that she enjoys being out in Cali and that she now calls that home but she doesn't understand that the reason why she's always so busy when she's back here in Canada is because everyone loves her and they want to soak up as much of her as they possibly can. We all miss her so very much while she's gone and our smiles are all just a tiny bit dimmer for her being gone.
It may bother her a bit when we (her friends and family) talk about wanting her to come back and stay here. There's hardly any jobs here, the weather fucking sucks and is either too hot or too cold, and she feels like a failure at times because of her marriage failing... and yeah all of that stuff sucks. However... she makes everyones life a little brighter, a little bit happier and just that little bit better.
It's why she has so many friends where ever she is... and her Cali friends may have missed her SOOOOOO much while she was gone...but they get her so much more than we do.
I did get to spend quite a bit of time with her and for that I'm grateful. I love Burton. She is my wifey after all.

 Pinky and I have been going to the gym together for a couple of months now (we've even made up names for the regulars, but then we had to switch our schedule and there's not as many regulars we're finding in the evenings as there was in the mornings so we're having to come up with new names for people)...I'm not exactly content with any of my results. I've been going up and down with the same five pounds and it's frustrating the fuck out of me. Trying to clock in harder now though. Last night someone lit a fire under my ass. Out of no where I was on the treadmill doing what was suppose to be our cool down after our leg day work out (which I levelled up at all the machines), I started running. I ran for a minute straight at 4mph, then after a couple of minutes of walking at 2mph again I started to run this time at 4.5 mph, then back down to 2 mph...after a couple more minutes was running at 5 mph...and then for the very last minute before the 5 minute cool down I was running at 5.5 mph.

Anyone who knows me knows that I do not run....like ever. Mainly because I don't breathe properly, I dislike the feel of my fat jiggling while I run and I'm always concerned about my boobs and how much they bounce even in a sports bra.
But fuck it... I work out so that I can feel better...and one day I will look great naked...too myself. I put that clarifier in there because I've had people tell me that I look good naked... I just give them the stop trying to placate me look.
In the vein of working out...I wiggled my way into Burton and her big brothers weight loss challenge...have from a week ago to December to lose as much weight as I can.
My ideal goal is to be a very fit 170 to 175 pounds in the end.

I decided to 'Adult-up' (rather than man up) and used some funds that came in on fixing up my car rather than just blowing it on other shit.  I mean I did take the Boychild out for a breakfast just the two of us and splurged and bought a bunch of crap for our Borderlands 2 day and I bought dinner for Sugarbear and I. Other than that though...it mostly stayed in my account so that I could get the car fixed.
And today my car got her bum fixed. She no longer clunkclunks over bumps and potholes... her upper strut/shock mounts needed to be replaced. She sounds good now. There's a couple of other things that the lovely mechanic has said she needs but for now she is good, this makes me a happy camper. The brakes didn't need to be done like we had thought and it wasn't that the shocks and struts needed to be done...just the mounts. So we saved a bunch of money on all of that. The mount replacement even came in under the quoted price.

Ok so since I finally mentioned him in the last paragraph...here goes some rewinding in regards to Sugarbear (SB).
In March he lost both matriarchal and patriarchal figures of his family. However things had been over with us before that... we had gotten to this boyfriend/girlfriend point of our relationship and it seemed unwanted after the new year. Couple of fights in February where he told me straight out that I was nothing but a 'fling and a fuck' and that there was no fucking way that I would ever be meeting his children and that he would never ever love me.
Thinking (and maybe hoping) that it was because of the stress he was under with his parents both being ill and not seeming to find any resolution to his mothers illness.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt but pretty much was like ok no more exclusivity since I am not wanted in the capacity I was being put into.
We continued to stay in touch while he drove back and forth to St Catharines, Sudbury, and Angus. I would tell him that I love him, accidentally one day on the phone he said it back, he then got flustered and just hung up quickly after saying bye. I knew he meant nothing by it though, it was out of habit from all the family he had been talking on the phone, no doubt.
After the passing of his mum I tried to be there for him for whatever it was he needed. He even reached out the day his father passed and sent me a few messages asking me to call him, when I did that's when I found out about his dad.
(I was very confused as to why he didn't just send me a message to tell me about his passing like he had with his mum, but I wasn't about to question him about that especially not on the phone. I've since had a friend tell me that I may have become a touchstone for SB. Possible but he is such a hard man to figure out at times.)
When he had taken a week at home I had grown concerned about his well being (obviously!) especially when I found out that he hadn't been eating properly, was drunk in the middle of the day and not sleeping more then a few minutes to an hour at any given time.
And it was just before his birthday...
He didn't take to kindly to my trying to be helpful or supportive... at the end of the week he lashed out and yelled at me for doing the dishes, for buying him a birthday present, insinuated that I was untrustworthy and demanded his house key back.
I understand lashing out in anger (especially whilst grieving). What I think hurt the most from that encounter on the 28th of March was the insinuation that I was some how untrustworthy, a sneak or that I would some how damage his house.
I got it that he doesn't love me, I got that he doesn't want to 'be with me', I got that he needed time to himself to adjust to having to now take care of everything and everyone in his family, I even got that when hurting sometimes some people don't want anyone around them for awhile..what I didn't get was how he could accuse me of being untrustworthy, I never gave him any cause to think I would do anything untoward. I was hurt and confused and angry (oh so very angry) that someone that I trusted with all of me would think so little of me.

After that happened I had asked him if he could put out on his front porch the presents for the Boychild that I had been hiding at his place, he did...he also bagged up all the stuff I had in his bathroom (he use to let me take baths at his place to help my joints and back after derby and even when I was working last season because I don't have a tub that works properly). I'm not sure why that hurt so bad but it did, it seemed like he didn't want me in his life anymore. I was so very sad.

I didn't see him again until almost mid May... I let him know that I had missed him as my friend. I missed hanging out with him on the deck and listening to tunes. Yeah sure I missed the awesome sex as well but I really missed talking with him. His response was just a very quiet 'I just said I needed some time and space.' which I found interesting since he had been telling our friends that 'it's over' with the two of us. Which wasn't false, just he was a bit behind when I had been telling others that already. I wasn't confused about whether or not we were still 'together', I had been confused as to which level of friendship we would be at now (at that point).
The one year from our first date was like the celebration of a great year we had had together and the end of it.
The universe then said 'oh yeah you guys had a great time quietly hanging out together, having all kinds of awesome sex, fun times, and parties for the last year...well try this on for size now.'

I will always have love in my heart for Sugarbear, as I do with all my friends.However, he called me untrustworthy, creepy, unlovable, and nothing but a 'fling and a fuck'. Even in your darkest hour you don't shit on your loved ones like that.

It's in that moment that every you're amazing, awesome, beautiful, great, sexy and so forth is just wiped away in one foul swoop.
I once asked him while laying in bed together how he knew that I loved him, his answer was 'Because you put up with all of my shit.'
It's been quite a journey for our friendship this past 7 months. I'm very happy to report that we've been hanging out again, have had a few meals together. Gone to a few derby games together, he came to see my games this past season. It is still mainly one sided, as in I'm the one that does all the texting and inviting but...at least it's something. He is my favourite after all.

There's some people I will just keep trying with. As can be seen with Sugarbear and Bing.
There comes a time where with some I will just shrug and say I tried. I'm getting to that point with Baker. Seems I was a great person to talk to, hang out with and sometimes fuck, as long as he didn't have an online girlfriend. Suddenly he gets an online girlfriend and doesn't have time for friends like me anymore. I can't be cheeky with him anymore, or joke with him, or even go out on a movie date with him and his boychild because god forbid he might be away from his phone (or she'll be thinking that he's on a date!!).
Proved it again at sushi dinner with Burton when he spent more time on his phone, and I felt I couldn't talk to him because he had his dumb bluetooth earpiece in his ear all during the dinner.
I hope he and his online insecure girlfriend are very happy and have many virtual babies together. Yes. I am bitter.
I have very few people that I allow that close to me and feel like I've been duped when one of them just drops me like a hot stone.
Again...another time that every you're amazing, awesome, understanding, magical and one of my most trusted friends, is all just wiped away in one foul swoop.

Bing is getting married. I'm waiting for my invitation to come in the mail. I think when it comes I'll invite my sexy ass wife to go with me. Sounds like it could be lots of fun.

Amazing.... Awesome... Sexy... Incredible... Magical... Goddess-like... Unique... Fantastic... Fabulous... those are some of the words that men have used to describe me... Delicious... Divine... Tight... Drenched... Soaking... Warm... Out of this World... these some of the words (with the first set as well) that have been used by men to describe my pussy... welcome to the TMI and more graphic portion to the post...

I've had lip service from many a men...and that's not a euphemism... many have told me that I'm 'fucking amazing' when it comes to the bedroom sexxors and all the playing that goes with it...

So... why the fuck is it that I cannot get laid when I want and by whom it is I want?

Half the time I feel like I have to convince, persuade, or talk someone into having sex with me. My expectations too high...my views too narrow... my libido just so high?

For a year I was getting laid nearly 6 to 8 times per weekend..and oh my god that was the best ever...so much fun...and was so satisfying...
Now I'm getting laid on average about once a week. I'm really sexually frustrated half the time and most likely bugging the fuck out of my favourite boy with the requests for sex... the others have gone... mother issues... one lives with his mother and son (and a gf - but she's not in the house) and another just had to move his mother into his house...

Don't understand what the problem is... a woman who is apparently awesome and amazing in the sack wants to suck and fuck your cock on a regular basis with no relationship strings attached...how is this a bad thing?

*shrugs*
Maybe I'm too demanding.

Other than my extremely high libido I think I'm fairly low maintenance... I definitely don't spend $200 a week on fucking salon visits...lmao

and on that note...

I want some ice cream.

Me and Fitness...boring.

Pinky asked me if I would be his gym buddy when he got a membership at a local gym. We started back last Wednesday. We weighed ourselves and I was not happy. I had gained back 32 lbs of the 70, I had lost. So I was disappointed in myself.

Today being Monday and the first day of the first full week, so I suggested we weigh ourselves. Since last Wednesday I apparently lost 2.5lbs. 

We've decided on our schedule and have it so it doesn't cause issues with my derby practices. He's been here at 6:30 am to pick me up.

Mondays will be leg days...where we focus on our lower halves but also do core and abs

Tuesdays will be arms and upper body...also including core and abs

Wednesdays will be all cardio...and core and abs

Thursdays will be arms and upper body again...and core and abs

Fridays will be leg days...including core and abs

We're starting each day with at least 15 mins on the treadmill and finishing up with 10 to 15 minutes on the treadmill.

So...I'm going to not only do the weigh ins but will likely go back to measuring as well just so I can get a good feel for how I'm progressing.

So when I started last Wednesday I weighed in at 203.7 lbs... *big huge sigh* on Monday I weighed in at 201.2 lbs.

We're going to weigh in once a week, likely on Mondays, but I'll only do measurements once a month.

I was pleasantly surprised when Pinky asked me to go to the gym with him. We haven't really hung out too much lately and I had been missing him so it's nice to get to see him everyday for a couple of hours.

So here I go again with measurements...starting over.

Ankles L 9.5 R 9

Calves L 16.25 R  16.5

Thighs L 26.25 R 27

Wrists L 6.5 R 6.5

Forearms L 10.5 R 10.75

Biceps L 14.25 R 14.5

Hips 47.5

Belly 44.25

Waist 37

Under Bust 36.5

Over Bust 44

Neck 14.5

Total weight 201.2

Death Has No Mercy

The moment you find out that you are pregnant...that within your body there is another being that is being formed and sustained by all that you eat and drink, that this tiny bunch of cells is forming and that you will one day get to feel it move within you...

Making it feel as though you have butterflies in your stomach at it's tiny fluttering motions, as it grows and moves...

The swell of your belly getting tighter, making your clothes uncomfortable, breasts tender and swollen, vaginal area swelling and much more sensitive...

That glow taking over and feeling just like the mother goddess as you take pride in the fact that you are now incubating another human being...

And you start almost immediately daydreaming about how you'll raise them...things you'll do with them once they're born...what you'll name them... it has to be something that hopefully they will like and not want to change... you'll dream about them being healthy and happy...

You start to get fiercely protective of them...eating right...not drinking... staying away from smokers and smoking... As they and you grow bigger... they move around kicking and pushing against some vital organs...and you forgive them the pain and discomfort they cause you, because you love them with all your heart...they are a part of you, and you know how cramped they're getting in your belly... you rub your belly in the hopes that they can feel your touch and be comforted while in utero...

Knowing that your heart beat is the loudest thing they can hear, you hope that through those beats they feel the love you have for them locked away in there...

You worry about how you'll keep them safe once you give birth to them... you wonder if they'll grow up well adjusted and knowing how much you fear that the ugliness of the world will get to them too soon... you worry about everyone who may come into contact with them and what they might learn from them as they grow...

At times you wish to just keep them from all the dangers...all the horrors...all the nasty stuff out there...

You're full of joy and worry some days one is more intense then the other and vice versa...

Then... suddenly one day you're not feeling very well... so you stay in bed... the next day you can't remember whether or not you felt the baby kick... you get up feeling a bit better... but constantly putting your hands to your swollen belly as if willing the baby to move... wait...was that a small flutter...or was that maybe a gas bubble...well now you're paranoid...you convince yourself that you felt the small flutterings and go about your day...

You get ready to go to bed... nothing different...you can't get comfortable...you're nearly 5 months pregnant...
Finally sleep comes from sheer exhaustion...even though you still don't feel 100%

You awaken in the middle of the night...in the grip of the most excruciating pain in your abdomen that you have ever felt... some unseen force is reaching through your back, trying to snap your spine in it's lethal death grip...
You try to cry out but the pain is so intense it's stolen your voice from you as the warmth seeps down your legs...your body coated with a slick sickly sweat...

You can barely move the pain is so intense...you manage to sit upright and up onto your knees...but the pain hits again and you double over your swollen belly as if to try to protect your unborn child from the pain you're in...

The black out worthy pain rolls over your body again and you feel like you're going to be sick...but instead of dry heaving you feel this intense pressure in your belly... your eyes fly open in horror as you realize that your body is trying to push out your unborn child...your hand goes between your legs as if you can somehow stop this from happening... there's a slick wetness there between your legs... when you pull your hand back you realize that your hand is now covered in dark thick red blood...

Shock tries to take over your body, it tries to make you pass out...it paralyzes you as your body feels ripped apart again from the body racking pain...your body rebels against your wishes and pushes...squeezing the tiny human being you were growing within your womb...that tiny frail miracle that you dreamed of naming...raising...loving and cuddling...expelling that tiny piece of unlimited potential from your loins...

You're left soaking with sweat, in shock, covered in blood, ready to vomit and the most precious teeny tiny baby....who is a dark blue...there's a cord wrapped around her neck...

She was dead.

Your Life. Your choices.

Some days are really easy...other days it takes everything you have to not fall off the side of the cliff of life.

There are many issues I deal with every day...
Heart condition, respiratory issues, dietary restrictions, depression, anxiety, anti-socialism, etc.

Throughout my life I've taken on different sorts of mottos, cliches, sayings, quotes, analogies, ways, beliefs.

One of the ones that has stuck around the longest is Life is comprised of the choices you make.
Pretty simple, right?

If you make the decision to say or do something, that was your choice.
I dislike when people say 'I had (have) no choice.' Because it's just plain false.

Sometimes the choice is the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life.

You can choose to forgive someone of their transgressions or you can choose to cut them from your life, after 20 years.

You can choose to uproot yourself and your family and move to another country, or you can stay where you are.

Life is choices.

Those choices come in all sizes...from the tiniest of 'what socks do I wear today' to the biggest of life changing choices.

A lot of people will make their choices depending on what others might say or do...
'I can't move to B.C. my family will be upset.'
'I can't date that person, my family won't like it.'

Sometimes that should be taken into consideration like 'I can't tell this client to fuck off, my boss won't like it and I'll lose my job.'

Generally I say... make the choices based off of your own opinions and your own information.
Judge others on what they have done to you or said to you. (Well unless they kill and/or maim people...but you catch my drift.)

Making decisions about your life based on other peoples input gives them an awful lot of power over your life.
It's one thing to ask for the advice of others...that's a bit different. You've asked their opinion.

When you are considering a decision about something in your life and you find yourself thinking about what your kids, friends, family, coworkers etc. might think, that's you basing your decision off what they would want instead of what you may need or want.

Now...
I'm not perfect...obviously.

I am currently in the midst of a huge life decision. I find myself thinking a lot about what others might say and/or do when I come to the end of my decision-making process.

Thankfully one of my tiny voices keeps reminding me to refrain from doing that and it also says...if you want to know what they would think...then ask them.

This is why I'm an advocate for children making decisions from the start. So when it comes time for them to make the big decisions in their lives once older they're not depending on others opinions to make up their minds.

I started with my issues at the beginning because I have had people tell me I shouldn't be playing derby because of the health issues I have.

I made the choice to join derby and don't really care what others think about it...mainly because... it's been the best thing to help me deal with the rest of my life.

I Am...

Hm...
What  to say...

I'm fairly straightforward with people. I tell you what I need right up front. Honesty and straightforwardness are two things I require in any sort of relationship...whether I am mother, daughter, wife, friend, lover, sister, or acquaintance... these are the two things that I expect.
I don't see how these things have to be asked for and not just freely given.

When you lie to me I know... I will not always call you out on it... I'll likely nod and just mhm quietly... making a mental note that I can no longer trust you.

Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

Life is so much easier. Do not worry about hurting  feelings if it is  the truth that you speak. You hurt others with lies and disrespect.

Life goes on. Fun shall be had.

Going forward in my life I'll be making some changes... they've already started.

More fun... fucking... and skating...

I've changed my derby name. So I am no longer Raenbow Slash... I am Taboma.
The next 4 Fridays I'll be driving to Kitchener to get some skating help from some of the Tri-City Roller Girls...
I've decided I'm going to get up to Ancaster and get some skating help from the girls from HARD...
I've put my all into planning for the new intake for my league...
Also sent in and offered my help for aome upcoming fundraisers as well...
I'm sure I'm likely to complain about all sorts of it in the days to come...lol

My health...
I do have an appointment with Dr Awesome on the 2nd of March...
My stomach has been much better since this past Monday... (family day).
Some mornings it is a bit touchy still...but the full blown nauseousness I had been feeling is gone. The smell of food cooking doesn't make me feel like I want to puke. I can cook again without mouth breathing to try not to smell it.
My shakes have subsided...and I haven't dropped anything in at least a few days.
Now if only I could get away from at least one of my addictions...the most harmful being the sugars.
The other...not as harmful...actually much much more pleasurable.

My love life...
Ah well...that's a bit of a story...which I'm not telling right now.

I'm looking for a job. I probably will go back to the farm and do more fruit packing...but I do need to find something else as well.
Need some monies for derby stuff...for passport...for activities...for the car.... oh for lots of things...

Until I can find a rich sugar daddy who just wants to lavish me with gifts and money just for being cute and keeping him company...I'll have to find another way....lmao

I have finished some commisioned pieces that I was knitting. Now I'd like to make myself something.

I have thoughts on a few things that I need to really sit down and type up...instead of updating via my phone...would make typing out a post so much easier.

Doc Awesome

I called Dr Awesome's office today... I've not seen him since October...

I'm terrified.

I'm shaking...my insides are shaking...which is not a cool feeling. I have a quivering feeling inside my chest, which gets my heart all retarded.
My stomach is a mess... it hurts and I'm nauseous all the time...
I had the bright idea this morning of taking 1 gravol to help calm my stomach so I could go about my day... yeah...no. It knocked me on my ass and put me to sleep for 5 hours...which was probably good because I haven't been sleeping well.
But didn't do anything for my nausea because I woke up this afternoon still feeling light headed and pukey...

I've managed to eat some salad that was leftover from the weekend...but when I finished it... the nauseous feeling got worse...

I need to leave in 15 minutes to go to my derby practice...I'm practising with the Freshmeat tonight because I think it would be beneficial for getting my wheels back under me...and I'm hoping it's not as intense so that I can make it through the whole practice.

So yeah I have an appointment with Dr Awesome...however it's not until March 9th...

The only thing (besides stress) that I can relate all this health crap to is that the last weekend of January I sort of overdid it with the sugar...

So here's to me sorting this shit out so it'll stop me from doing stupid things...because it always cranks my anxiety up to high when shit starts going down.


More later about how I fair at practice while feeling this off.

Stress, is that a diet aid...?

I feel straight up ill.

My stomach has been in knots for what seems like weeks now.

I feel like I just keep saying the wrong things and scrambling to figure out how to express or explain myself.

I'm scared about my health right now. I've been getting dizzy spells, hands have been shaking and been dropping things...and when all those happened on Friday I started to freak out (mostly on the inside because Sugarbear was home)...
I need to call the doctor again.
Especially since my heart started to act up again this weekend, as well as me being so nauseous I could barely eat yesterday. It was so bad the smell of food cooking was making me groan and gag a bit.

I don't know how much of that is self induced by stress.

Burn or Save

Some days I want to watch the world burn...

Some days I want to save the world...

Yep extremes.

I'm sitting here crying and angry at the country I live in.
Today I don't want to save the world...but I would like to save my country... I just wish I knew how...

The Northern Food Crisis should NOT be happening.

Bless this woman...I want to be able to do something too... I just don't know what I could possibly do.

When it Rains it Pours...

I was so happy that Sugarbear was coming home today...

I sent him my normal Good Morning message when I was headed to bed at twenty after five this morning ... and got a message back at 6ish telling me that his mum had a bad night and that he may not be home...

A bit later I saw that he was in Muskoka and asking for prayers for his family... and when I sent him a message asking what was happening... I got a phone call back from him, the hospital suggested that it would be a good time for them to gather the family... he was on the highway and he would call me when he got to Sudbury...

After hanging up the phone I just cried... and cried... and The Man came in and around the tears I tried to explain to him what was happening...

Suddenly plans are being put into place... and an offer to get me up there came in...

I messaged SB back and told him that I had a way to get up to Sudbury, and asked him 'did you want me to come up?'...

Awkward...phone rang while I was sitting on the can...

I was thanked for the offer, told that he loved that I wanted to be there with him and for him, but that there would be lots of people there and lots on his plate and that I should just stay where I am for now...
Again said he'd call me when he got to Sudbury...
I told him I love him...

Then proceeded to pace around my house feeling absolutely fucking useless.

DD came over to discuss arrangements for getting me to Sudbury... I told him about the second call back...

While he was here we realized that my cell had been turned off... I was able to receive calls but that was it.

Well fuck... I guess phone companies get upset when you owe them money...
*see last nights comment about how much I love money*

I was upset by the thought of him not coming home...
Depressed by the thought of his mother being so ill of health and unable to be able to do anything for her or him... (trials and tribulations of being an empathic healer)
Angered by the thought of him possibly not being able to get a hold of me to let me know what's happening or if he just needs to vent or talk...

DD left with the comment to keep him updated as well and if I ended up needing/wanting/having permission to go up to let him know...


The other thing I was going to write about yesterday that I forgot to because of all the hubbub and it being so late at night...
I signed up for more online courses again... my first one started yesterday...and I just can't seem to get excited to do it right now...
The one that started yesterday... Introduction to Pharmacy...
so...yay?

*sighs and cries a little*

I want my Sugarbear to be happy and his mum to be healthy...
I want my wife to be here so I can get big hugs that last minutes and hours...
I want The Man to not have to put up with me pacing around the house upset and feeling useless...
I lurves them all.

I think I should have gotten more then an hour and a half of sleep.

Whirlwind...

Well...Hello 2015...

Is it really January again already...??

It's felt like the year flew by...even though this past week feels like it just slithered by slower then molasses in a polar vortex...

Segue...so apparently there's another polar vortex coming... but climate change isn't happening right...?

But enough about the weather...

I'm stressed.

I hate being stressed...it affects my eating... my sleeping...my health...my libido...

The Man wants to move. I do and I don't want to move... I just wish that this particular house was in better shape so that the bills would be lower and the house more liveable. And because they haven't done anything about maintaining the house while we've been living here the last 7 years I know that it won't change, that would be the reason that I do want to move.

I just really fucking hate packing, giving notice, trying to find a new place, and starting this all over again. I dislike changing landlords, not because I like this set, but because I hate having to get used to new people governing over the place I live.
I've had so many different landlords and only one or two of them have been understanding and bearable. Understanding in the aspect of letting me possibly change paint colours in the house, and being able to put up pictures without worry of them hounding me that there's 'holes' in the walls. Bearable as in not showing up on the 1st of the month at 8am knocking on my door, but then again not making me have to call you on the 6th of the month saying 'um hello? are you going to come pick this up or what?'

The Man keeps talking about buying a house...um...what? - we have no money saved... we live cheque to cheque to cheque... barely making ends meet as it is... how the fuck does he even figure that we would ever be able to purchase a house...?!

And where the hell are we going to get the money to cover moving costs...??

I also don't want to have to think about this shit in the middle of winter.

I've said it before and I'll say it again... I hate money. It's the one thing that makes me depressed the quickest.

I had been trying to decide if I wanted to stay in derby with my league or going with another league.. It looks like I won't be able to continue derby with any league. It makes my heart sad, I love skating but haven't been able to pay my dues for last month, purchase the required insurance and now it's nearly time to start paying dues again for the month of January... and I just don't have the 110$ to cover all of that.

Had to come up with a deposit for the Boychilds end of the year school trip on top of all the stuff for Christmas...very little warning...that was 50$... and they want another 50$ for a payment for January as well... so there goes my dues.

The Man applied for a job the other day. I'm hoping that he gets it. During the summer when I was working on the farm it was nice to be able to have a tiny bit of a money at all times. Just before the Holidays DD and I went to one of the sex shops in town and I'm seriously considering giving them a copy of my CV... seriously is there any other job more fitting for me... I would get to tell people to fuck themselves, how to do it and what to do with it...

The holidays were ok...started off great which I posted about in the last post...then went a tiny bit sideways last week...

Sugarbear went up north to visit his family from the 23rd to the 28th... he had been talking about possibly coming home for the evening of the 29th... I found out while he was up  there that he wasn't feeling well which made me feel bad because I likely gave him the cold that I was dealing with before Christmas...
So he sent me a text telling me that he had some not so great news which was he was asked to head to work for the 29th and the 30th...(he was supposed to have from the 23rd to the 5th off) so he let me know that he wouldn't be home until the afternoon of the 30th... (we were having people over to the house on the 31st for new years eve)... So he got home and we went out shopping for stuff for the next evening...went to see DD while he was at work for supper...and then went home...where he fell asleep on the couch...lol - I don't blame him he wasn't feeling well. Went to bed and woke up the next day...had to go out and pick up a few last minute things we didn't grab the night before... and then the chopping started... New Years Eve Fondue was had again...(this time at Sugarbears house), we had Pinky, Femme, DD, Pegleg, The Man, Boychild and of course the two of us at the house.

Like always, I worried about not having enough food...

Don't think I needed to worry... (had all of that and then of course the others brought some as well)

So when we got back to the house we made a late lunch and then I got to chopping and he got to napping...lol
It didn't bother me...again he still wasn't feeling well and we knew we'd be up late...normal for me...not so normal for him.

He ended up waking up and helping me out with cutting up stuff for the fondue after he napped anyway so it was all good.
Which was good...was able to sneak in one last romp before ringing in the new year...lol

So then we spent the evening fondue-ing and chatting and watching the Niagara Falls party on TV, rang in the new year and then headed downstairs to play some pool and horse around all drunk like...

took some drunken blurry pictures on the couch while the others played some pool...

The next "morning" (which was really like 2 or 3 in the afternoon) we got up and got dressed and headed down to Fort Erie to my aunts where The Man, Boychild, Sugarbear and I were going to play games and visit with my Aunt, Uncle, niece, mum, sis and Manchild...oh yeah gang was all there and they had all been messaging me most of the later morning asking where the hell I was... See I told them I'd likely be there just after noon...oops

We got there at 4.

While there after a few hours I got a text from Sugarbear (who was sitting two chairs from me) that his mum was back in the hospital...

So after a bit longer we ended up saying our goodbyes and headed back to the house. Where I asked about his mum...he fell asleep...after a couple of ours we went to bed...

The next morning...woken up by a text from my landlady asking about coming to get the rent...I thought the Man was home but apparently he was off with Ni-Kill ad TBone... so I was getting dressed to walk home so I could get a cheque together for the landlords.
SB woke up and ended up driving me over...I swear I think we were both still half asleep.

It wasn't long after that...that shit got real. He made the decision that he needed to go back to Sudbury so that with help of his family he could get his mother into a better hospital because she just wasn't getting the proper level of care that she required in the one she was at.

At first I asked him if he wanted me to go with him when I could see how frustrated he seemed to be and he didn't really say no or yes at that point about me joining him, just made some sort of mention that he may have to be there the whole weekend and then go straight to work in Barrie. Which sort of made me grin inside because after a year he hasn't seen just how resourceful I can be and me getting from Barrie to home was the least of the problems. I had that on lock before I even asked if he wanted me to go with him. I didn't press it though mainly because I thought he just didn't want me to go but didn't want to say no for fear of hurting my feelings or some such. As the day went on a bit more I didn't say too much because he was trying to ascertain the extent of the situation where his mum was concerned and dealing with stuff with his sister. He got more frustrated and then he got emotional... I wasn't expecting that...all I could do was hug him and tell him that I love him in the hopes that it helped a bit. After some dinner/really late lunch... I hugged on him again and told him I wanted to go with him. By this time I had a bag packed and already had plans in place to get home again from Barrie, and since the house was still a mess from NYE there had even been a suggestion of someone coming to clean it while we were gone.

He nodded. He nodded when I said I wanted to go with him and I wasn't sure if that was a nod of 'yes come with me' or if that was a nod of acknowledgement like 'yes I hear that you have offered that'.

I tidied up a bit of garbage and in the meantime he was getting all of his laundry done (that he had thought he still had a couple more days to do), and had been texting some more with his sister.

I didn't even realize that he had said anything to his sister about whether or not it would be ok if I came up with him until he suddenly tossed his phone onto the coffee table and said 'well it seems my sister doesn't think it's a good idea if you come with me...she pretty much said does she really want to be up here in the middle of all this shit...' I just nodded and said 'for you? yes'...

Needless to say... sister won out on that one since neither of us really had money for a hotel room (especially not after throwing a nye party) and he was going to be staying at her house.

I asked him if he had wanted me to go and he said yes...after realizing that I just meant had he wanted me to go...and not that I meant to defy his sister some how and take me with anyway...I just wanted to know if he wanted me with him. Oh English language...

I wasn't mad per se... I was disappointed and a bit sad. I wasn't going there to stick my nose in family business...I was going so that when he needed a hand to hold or a hug or a small smile and a quiet 'I love you' - I'd be there.

I told The Man that it felt like the universe was throwing a test at me that I wasn't allowed to take. His response was of course that I passed the test because I stepped up, wanted to go, and packed a bag. He said that was the test if there even was one at all. Which I felt a little confused by at first because of course I wanted to go...of course I packed a bag...who wouldn't??
Even if I didn't love him...I would want to be there for him. It just seemed a foreign concept to me that someone wouldn't offer...

So he left... at 6:30 in the evening... and I sat on the couch and cried. I knew he would text me when he got there before going to bed. He knows I worry. But I didn't want to just sit there for 5 hours on the couch...crying and worrying and watching the clock... I knew The Man was at TBone's house playing games.

I dislike asking for help...I dislike appearing to be weak or vulnerable...I dislike people truly seeing my anxiety issues...I dislike feeling useless...

I was surprised by my next action...

While sitting there with tears running down my face I sent DD a text...I told him Sugarbear was gone back up north and I was sitting on the couch crying. DD was there in approximately 30 mins. Followed by Pinky who had sent me a text message asking me if everything was ok.

DD was sick and stayed with me for a couple of hours...just talking and shooting the shit. He let me vent on him and let my anxiety out.  Then Pinky stayed with me until 4 am... we talked and watched a movie and played a couple of games and pretty much stayed until we were both exhausted.

I went downstairs to go to bed after he had left and still ended up reading until after 6am...

Of course I worry about Sugarbears' mama...and of course I understand family comes first...and of course I understand his sister not necessarily wanting me there in the midst of all of it...and of course I took care of things at home and cleaned up the house...and of course I sent messages asking for updates about his mum as well as of him and how he was doing...

But I'm not a saint...I am one of the most selfish people I know... there was a tiny part of me...ok well no part of me is tiny...but there was a part of me that wanted to look up to  the sky and yell.. Really?! Seriously?! We were suppose to get a week together... We were suppose to cuddle up on the couch from Friday to Sunday and not care about what happened in the outside world... He was supposed to be able to relax and get better on the second half of his vacation... not drive from Sudbury to Angus to St Catharines to Fort Erie to St Catharines to Sudbury to Manatoulin Island to Sudbury to Angus and then back home again...in one week...while sick and worried about his mother for half of that.

Oh yeah... I totally had a 'teenage, foot stomping the ground, yelling at the sky, crying out about how life isn't fair' moment...I held it all inside but man did I visualize the fuck out of that moment...

I just feel like we got robbed of time that we had been looking forward to that was just going to be ours...well I suppose I shouldn't say we...I know I was looking forward to it...I hope that he was...

I have been waiting with bated breath all week that he was going to say that he's coming home this weekend...I haven't wanted to ask (again)... (I asked on Monday but as he patiently pointed out on the phone while tiredly driving to Barrie...bit early to say...)
Broke down and finally asked last night because he hadn't said anything about it... I didn't realize how much it had been bothering me until he told me that yes he was coming home...I let out a huge breath and felt like a weight had been lifted...it was a bit odd... I didn't realize I had been that anxious about it.

It wouldn't have surprised me in the least if he had headed back up north for the weekend to check in on his mum again...and I wouldn't have faulted him for it...would have asked if I could go with this time...and found a way to Barrie...

I just know he's had a rough week and I just want to hug him and hold him and snuggle him and tell him how I think he's a good man and I love him. Hide away with him for at least a day just being all relaxed and cozy.

And then...

The DrunkenMonkey. I spoke to his mother on the phone. well wait... lemme back track...
I finally broke down and sent his mum a message and let her know that I wanted to send him a letter but I knew that I needed his inmate number so that I could make sure that he gets it (when I finally figure out what I'm going to write). She was really happy to hear from me, she did remember me...which was amazing to me since I had only met her once and that was over ten years ago now.

When she visited him on the 28th she had let him know that I contacted her and asked about sending him a letter (so much for the element of surprise) and asked him if he was ok with that. He apparently was very happy to hear that I wanted to write him and said that yes of course that she could give me his inmate number. So she let me know that it was ok but there are strict rules about not sharing that number over social media so I had to call her. Called and spoke to her for about 45mins and found out how he's doing and how she's doing and also found out that he could get out in 5 years providing he has had model behaviour and that he goes to classes and therapy and such. So for now he's in there until 2023.

The two of them seem to believe that him sending letters from a prison in the states to an address in Canada won't be an issue. However, his mum has offered that if there is any issues that I could send them to her and she'll send them to him, without reading them of course and vice versa.

So now I just need to figure out exactly what it is I want to say to him. I've wanted to reach out to him since last year when he first went in...but...I still don't know exactly what it is I want to say to him.

And then...

Bing...

I am so proud of you right now. Keep it up. Do it for you, not for anyone else.

Aaaaaand...

Burton...
Get your god damn fucking passport renewed and get your fucking ass home I miss your face.

Everything else will have to wait. I have been writing/typing way to long and should likely go to bed since again it's after 4am and I will likely see this side of 6am...a-fucking-gain.

Happy Fucking New Year 2015

Weigh-In Retake...

So...back to the drawing board...and starting this shit again...

It's been since March that I did a weigh-in of any sort... I figured I need to get back to it...

Dr Awesome looked at me at my last visit and asked me to stop killing myself... "You're too young and beautiful to be killing yourself. I don't want to see that happen."
I love him and his bluntness it usually helps keep me on track but the last few months I've just been like 'meh whatevs...'

Lately however, I've been feeling uncomfortable in my own skin...and I've been having cardiac episodes again...headaches every day...joint and back pain...my hip thinks it's 80...(part of that is because of having lost the weight and then putting some of it back on again)...

So here I go again.

No grains... No sugar... No starch... (yep right before Thanksgiving and Hallowe'en)

The list of what I can eat is really short in comparison... when people ask me what I can't eat... I'm not looking forward to this in the least... especially getting rid of sugar again... but I put on at least 25 lbs in the last 6 months...not good... that's almost half of what I had lost...

So... Weigh-In Retake...measured this morning...as I will again do at the beginning of each month...
(numbers in brackets will be losses or gains since the last measuring day - measurements are in inches)

Ankles  - L -9 (+0.25)  R -8.5 (+0.25)
Calves - L - 16.5 (+1) R -16.5 (+1)
Thighs - L - 24.5 (same) R -25 (-0.5)

Wrists - L -6.5 (+0.5) R -6.5 (+0.25)
Forearms - L -10 (+0.25) R -11 (+0.5)
Biceps - L -14.5 (+0.5) R -14 (-1)

Hips - 45.5 (+0.75)
Belly - 42 (+1.75)
Waist - 36 (same)
Under Bust - 35 (-0.5)
Over Bust - 44 (+2.5)
Neck - 15 (+0.5)

So there we have it... didn't gain back nearly as many inches as I thought but I definitely gained it back in one of the areas I didn't want to...

Would like to get back to this...

apprx 165 (ish) lbs Oct 2012 - was quite happy with myself

One Day... I'll Figure Out How To Kill It...

Ever since I was a little girl I have had body image issues...

That is not an uncommon thing to hear someone say nowadays...

I grew up being put on diets so I could fit in my spring recital costumes for dancing...being called a lard ass or fat ass when weighing 125 lbs... It takes it's toll on you when you're put down about the way you look or your weight...
After having my first son I thought I was flawed and that the stretch marks on my thighs, breasts, stomach and hips would make me undesirable to anyone...

I met a woman who tried very hard to get it through my head that stretch marks should be thought of as 'tiger stripes' or 'badges of honour'... even now that's what I'll tell other women who self-shame themselves about theirs...even as I look in a mirror and wish that my stomach would be smooth...
It's never been flat...I always had a small ponch on my stomach...not realizing when  I was younger that it was a lot smaller in reality then it was in my imagination... looking back I'd like to go smack my younger self for thinking and believing that I was fat... I had curves and was sexy...

I still have curves and am told that I'm sexy... I find it hard to believe it though...

The Man and I have been together for 16 years... he has seen me at my smallest weight of 105 lbs and seen me at my largest of 250ish lbs... and never once has ever said anything negatively to me about my weight... and yet I still have this inner struggle...

I'll walk around in next to nothing, in only a sarong...or wear form fitting clothes...or tight jeans... now.

But even a couple of years ago I wouldn't...

I've said many times that even when I weighed my heaviest...I never 'felt' fat... I knew I was a big girl... there are men out there that love them some plus sized girls...so I would feel desired...even though I would still look in a mirror and say...but I could use to lose a couple of pounds...and always dreamed of a smooth stomach again...

I know if I eat right and get more exercise I could go back down (losing some of the weight that I gained back in the last year) again...

I've been with men who have said they enjoyed my company and told me that they think that I'm sexy...

but it had been a really long time since a man ran his hands over my naked body in a lit room and told me that I have a beautiful sexy body...

I nearly cried a little...as I said one word... 'Really?'

No matter how much I preach positive body image to other women and tell them to love themselves and take care of themselves and don't settle for a man who won't love you the way you are...

I still dislike my own and seem to find it hard to believe that someone could look past, what I think are my flaws, and love my body just the way it is...

Even now as I sit in my sports bra and a pair of jogging pants and look down at my stretch mark covered stomach... there's a small voice inside my head that says 'yeah but he was drinking that night, so maybe he didn't really mean it...' or 'well maybe he was just saying that because he thought that's what you wanted to hear...'

That tiny voice that never lets me enjoy and savour the fact that someone told me that they found me desirable... I try very hard to tell that tiny voice to fuck off...unfortunately it's the same inner voice that feeds most of my fears... but that's for another day...

Sometimes It's Just Silence You Need...

Last night I went to derby practice and sat out, I had one of my team mates skate up to me about half way in and ask me what was broken...generally just her way of asking why I wasn't skating.

Truth is I feel broken... I feel like for the last two weeks there's been some civil unrest within my body as I try to do the battle of staying on track and healthy and not having enough money to stay on track and be healthy.

I would sit at my desk and want to cry at the smell of potatoes cooking in the kitchen because I know that I can't eat them but know that there wasn't much left in the kitchen that I could eat.

I would frown and feel sad when having to put rice on my plate because besides a piece of chicken or pork chop there wasn't anything else that I could eat for dinner.

Then of course I would feel ridiculous because at least I had food in the house where I could provide a 'decent' meal for the rest of my family and I should have felt happy about that, but all I could think about was how much pain that food was going to cause me.

It has caught up to me today and that civil unrest within me has turned into a full scale civil war and the south is unhappy. So many aches in my joints, my back hurts when it's straight...and when I slouch.
I'm on the verge of screaming in anger and screaming in pain...but trying very hard to not scream at all.
I want to cry because now that I know what it feels like to be better it feels a thousand times worse when I am forced to fuck it all up.

My ankle feels like it did when I got the ability to walk on it again after getting my cast off. My knees are not happy campers at all. My sinuses are stuffed and it feels like my head is going to explode from this stupid headache that I have.

I feel like if I open my mouth to hold a 'normal' conversation I'm either going to cry or scream in the persons face that they don't understand what's happening inside of me and how dare they try to talk to me when I'm in so much pain.

When like this you can't see it from the outside, you can't tell I'm in pain, unless you really know me. How am I supposed to expect people to know if I don't tell them. I just can't put into words how much this sucks.

To make things worse since I've decided to start doing the weigh ins again I know there is one coming up and I'm not looking forward to seeing how that is going to turn out. I figure I'll have gained weight and it'll just depress me even more.

On top of all this bullshit with me...

A man I once loved very much, is having his preliminary hearing today, after having been arrested last week.

I was stunned into silence, confusion, disbelief and so many other emotions when I had found out that the DrunkenMonkey had been arrested on 27 counts of sexual abuse of a child, 1 count of continual sexual abuse of a child, 1 count of sexual exploitation of a child, 1 count of  providing alcohol to an under age person, 5 counts of sexual solicitation of a child, 2 counts of endangering the welfare of a child and 2 counts of unlawfully administering drugs.

Yep.

He was held with a $799 600 secured bond.

Yeah been trying to process that for nearly a week. How is it that someone can sink so low?
I knew he needed professional help for his alcohol abuse but he had been going to counselling...

I was thankful that his (now ex) girlfriend had let me know immediately, because people we had mutually known had started to message me with a 'You'll never guess what's going on in Dover.' So thankfully I didn't get blind sided by those who just wanted to gossip and point.

I know what he did is sickening. I feel more disappointed in him then anything else at this point. I would love to have a conversation with him and just say 'What the fuck were you thinking?! She was your 13 year old step daughter. You were supposed to be her Daddy, and protect her from shit like this happening to her, not do it to her.' Well that and 'No seriously, what happened...?'

I've told Krammit and The Man, that at this point after he's found guilty and put in prison I'll just be waiting to get the message that he's been killed. If he ends up in Gen Pop he's a dead man. I will feel bad, and I'm definitely not wanting or wishing for that to happen, but I'm sadly expecting it.

I didn't care anymore...

When I left Reno I was gutted...heart broken...trying so hard to see the good in it and just trying to keep in mind that Big Daddy had found someone who lived close to him that he had developed feelings for and that he wanted a 'normal' monogamous relationship with this woman he had found.

I knew he loved me and would still love me for awhile at least, I knew that I would always love him...he had become a huge part of my life even if he was so far away... I resented him a little bit for going back on his original word but I got over that and we had been managing, or at least I thought, even though I knew that one day he would find someone to replace me and he would no longer need me in his life... I tried to think that I was helping him...trying to keep him in good spirits and making sure that he knew that he was not a failure and that he was/is loved by others...that he is a good person and just like most of us is flailing through life but I hoped that I was a bright spot in his life that he could look to if he needed to talk or just needed the reassurance of the fact that he is worthy of being loved... I still hope that he knows that.

Bing...You are worthy of love.

to steal it from one of my favourite Tom Wait songs 'Now I'm home and I'm blind and I'm broke, what is next...'

I didn't know what to do... I didn't care.

I held my shit together as much as I could around my kids and around The Man. I had friends that I knew I could talk to but amazingly enough it was two of my other exes that heard the crying...saw the tears...heard the fears and just was there...and by there I mean on the internet...

It was so much easier for me to cry to them.

I didn't really want the Man to see just how destroyed I was...which was stupid of me...of course he saw...

He had to deal with me not wanting to be touched...not really wanting to be hugged...he got used to me shutting off certain songs on the radio, clearing others from my playlists, me just stopping and turning away from others for a few moments to compose my thoughts again and put my facade back up as it was threatening to crumble...the moments where I couldn't answer him because there was a huge lump in my throat...

All the while still talking to Big Daddy and trying really hard to make it seem like no big deal via text...but crying after nearly every conversation...

I tried really hard to not say much of what was on my mind here on my blog so that Big Daddy wouldn't read it and possibly feel guilty or get upset or start thinking that not talking to me would be best...it would have made it worse.

Panic/Anxiety attacks started...only reason I knew what they were was because my doc originally thought that's what my heart condition was...but anyway...

My fight or flight would kick into high gear, heart racing, unable to breathe properly...etc.

It was a tough year in my head.

I stopped working out... I stopped caring about how I looked... I knew that my motivator had been Big Daddy.... I wanted to show up in Reno and look so good for him that his jaw would drop and he'd go 'daaaayum'... yep shallow but that's what I wanted to happen when he would see me...So I used that when I had the doctor tell me that I was dying...it became my motivation for eating properly and working out and doing derby

So when I realized that I just didn't care anymore... I was slowly killing myself by not working out and not eating the diet the doctor put me on... it started in Reno when I went off my restrictions...and just got progressively worse the rest of this year...to the point where the other night I ate mashed potatoes, regular stuffing, a box of chocolates (7), some regular chocolate covered cookies, and washed it down with an eggnog type latte from Starbucks...

I felt so ill... but got so high...

I had been at the doctors in November and he asked me what was going on and why was I not eating properly anymore...I just shrugged and said I'd fallen off the wagon so to speak...he was under the impression that for that year before Reno my motivation was the fact that he had told me if I didn't do something I would die...I told him I had lost my motivation...yeah it sounded like I wanted to die...

And for the last year I haven't really cared if I did.

*shrugs* it's true...every time I put something in my mouth that I knew I wasn't supposed to eat I knew that it was going to turn to poison in my system and I would be getting ever closer to death again and I would mentally shrug and I just wouldn't care...

I would say that I needed to get back on track and stop being such an asshole with my health and yada yada yada...but inside I just didn't care anymore...

I'd say that since about September I've been trying to get myself back on the caring wagon...I had a bit of a fall again in October when I realized that it had been a year since I had seen Big Daddy... a year since I had hugged him..a year since I heard his voice... a year since I had heard him tell me that he will always love me...

I had given up on myself... Every happy moment I had was always shadowed...

I threw myself into my friends...helping them any way that I could... I needed life lines... household projects... talking through issues or problems with them...derby (although it was a deflating moment when I found out from Big Daddy that she was signing up to become a derby girl too)...

I found distractions... knitting was a big help... can't dwell when needing to count stitches... Roo hooked me up with some online learning courses that definitely distracted me..

My Roo-bee-Roo has been the bestest...not only did he come to visit me in June but he's let me cry on his shoulder virtually so many times...I've disclosed so many feelings to him that I've not told anyone... not the Man...not the Wifey...no one...
Roo would make me smile or would just let me lean on him...

So it was in November that I realized that I really was trying to kill myself...by not adhering to the diet...by not working out...by not caring... I was slowly committing suicide...

I got a surprise in the trip to NYC... not only was I amazed at how well I did walking all over the place without complaint...but I tried as best I could to adhere to my restrictions... I was in awe of the city...
As I passed ground zero I realized that I was being a selfish asshole... it jarred me...

Most know (if they know me) I use sex to process things about myself...

It was in NYC that I realized that something was wrong with me...like...really really wrong...

On the way home I decided that I was not going to over analyze or try to process anything about that trip except the fact that it had been so cool to just be there... I distracted myself with talking to the Wifey's hubby for 4 hours and then slept until I saw The Man again...


The Dark Times this year for me was all inner thoughts, wrestling and cuddling some of my demons and coming to an understanding.

I do not want to die.
I do care again.
I want everyone to look at me when they see me and say 'daaaayum'.
I need to keep my friends...because frankly they all fucking rock.
I love the Man, and Bing. I always will. I'm ok with that.
I have a crush. A huge crush.
I will eat better...for me.
I will not be embarrassed by how sexual of a being I truly am.
I will not be afraid to meet new people.

I woke up smiling. For one of the first times I wasn't thinking about someone else... I was smiling about myself. I was happy in that moment that I had woken up. Meditated for 30 minutes and was still smiling... and though there have been moments while typing this that I have shed a tear or two, I've been smiling.

I'm going to be alright.
Thank you Bing for the conversation the other day...it was surprising and comforting.
Thank you Roo... you are so awesome...wish you knew it truly. Come back soon.
Thank you DrunkenMonkey...it's been awhile since we've really talked for more then just a quick catch up, but you helped me out so much, especially while I was still in Reno.
Thank you Squasha...don't really need to list for what. It was so helpful you'll never understand how much.
Thank you Rubes... ;)

My biggest thanks has to go out to The Man because omg he's my rock...he is my foundation and keeps me grounded so  that I may take flight...he's been through so much in last 16 years with me and yet stays here and still tells people that I would have to kill him in order for him to leave...he's understanding of my needs and wants... doesn't make me feel less then what I am... and stands up as my defender...
thank you for knowing how fragile I really am but never treating me like I might break... even when you can see that I'm standing there breaking... thank you so much for loving me and understanding as I stand in a grocery store and have a small cry about a maragine product... thank you for hugging my fiercely at home and giving me distance in public...


I do not want to die.
I'm going to be the most perfect me I can be...so I'm going to be alright.

Thank Fuck.

Well halla-fucking-lujah...
After being 3 weeks late my period finally decided to show up...and in full force...

Had me sweating just a little bit though.

Wouldn't believe how happy I was when I suddenly had an onset of some major fucking cramping today...

There was a bit of stressful shit going on around me...but yeah... 3 weeks of feeling a bit ill, having some strange cravings and fucked up sleep patterns...

Kinda figured I wasn't pregnant when my boobs didn't hurt...

*shrugs*

I'm a girl. This is my blog. Girl issues will be posted.

So...after 3 weeks of wondering what the hell is going on with my body... I've decided I'm going to go talk to my doctors about getting 'fixed'
That would make life easier.

Weigh In #14

I'm not really getting any better...

I need to stop snacking on shit I'm not supposed to be eating and snack more on stuff I can eat...like trail mix instead of pretzel goldfish... I'd like to whine and say I can't help it...but I really truly can... I just need to go back and find the willpower I had before... and seriously the motivation I had before was I wanted to hear someone say 'wow you look great...I'm really proud of you'... I don't have that person any more... it was Bing... when I started losing weight over a year ago now I had it set in my mind that I wanted him to pick me up from the airport with a 'who the fuck are you and where did the fatty go that was here the year before' ...I sort of got that...paraphrased but still...

But unless something major happens...that won't be happening again any time soon...so it's almost like my brain is saying fuckit.... I'm sure that was all the wrong reasons for losing weight but that's what I did...and it worked...now I just get all down on myself because since I was in Reno last I've gained 10lbs back... and it really pisses me off and makes me sad...and sure I could try to console myself by saying well a lot of that could be muscle but really... I've looked at myself naked in a mirror... it's not muscle at all...

Well...anyway... here's my weigh in for the beginning of June... *sigh*

Ankles L 8.5 (-0.75) R 8 (-0.25)
Calves L 15 (+0.75) R 15 (+0.75)
Thighs L 22.5 (+1) R 22.5 (+1)
Wrists L 6.25 (same) R 6.25 (-0.25)
Forearms L 10.25 (+0.5) R 10.25 (+0.5)
Biceps L 13 (+1.25) R 13 (+1.25)

(it's like everything's trying to even itself out)

Hips 42.5 (+1)
Belly 41.25 (+0.75)
Waist 32.5 (-0.5)
Underbust 34.5 (+1.25)
Overbust 41  (+1.25)
Neck 13.75 (same)

Weight 180.7 (+1.2lbs)
BMI 33.47 (+0.45)

So not going to sit here and bitch and moan... going to take the set back as my own fault because that's what it is...it's my own fault when I reach across the table and snatch up some of the goldfish to eat...it's my own fault when I dish out the rice or quinoa or potato during dinner when I know I shouldn't be eating it... it's my own fault when I say 'yeah sure a couple won't hurt'...

What I need to do is remember the feeling of disappointment in myself that I get at the beginning of each month when I do my weigh in, in those moments of weakness.

And from now on I need to take snacks I can eat to game night and stop eating the other stuff.