Just don't give up... I'm workin' it out... Please don't give in... I wont let you down

So going on from the last post of the What's Wrong with Me...

I got a different answer while on the phone the other day which was pretty much just the opposite of my own question...

What's wrong with them?

What is it that all those people had in common that they continue to treat me like this and what is it that prevents them rom going that last step...

I dunno that just sounds like a transference of blame which I wanted to try to stay away from... because it makes it sound like I'm not taking any of thhe blame for the issue and that I think that I'm perfect or that there isn't any problems with me...

Each of the people had their own situations that they've had to way against whether or not they were going to take that final step... and in all the cases they've come to the conclusion that they love me but that I'm not worth the effort of committing.

So again I come back to what is it that's wrong with me and why is it that people seem to shy away from that sort of commitment.

And I'm not just talking about sexual partners or lovers or anything of that nature I'm talking about friends as well when they decided that they can't handle being my friend in a time of crisis or elation...

I've had people stop being friends with me for both reasons... I was extremely happy last year around this time and I had a friend that couldn't really take my being happy... I wasn't flaunting it in their face I was just being happy... and they distanced themselves from me because of it.

So what's wrong with all of us...

If you're in a situation that you hate, doing a job you dislike, living in a place you've never really liked, and you have found that you could be happy elsewhere... why stay in the spot that makes unhappy?

Why?

I'm Too Good To Be True?! Mhmm...

The other day when I was feeling sorry for myself and trying to figure some stuff out in my life I asked my ex who was drunk and extremely honest at the time a question that has had me wondering for a few years...

What's wrong with me...

Now I should clarify that normally I'm not really all that worried about stuff like that, not until something bad happens and has me questioning the entire world.

So I said to him... "I don't understand... I get told by men that I'm awesome, that I'm exactly what they wish for in a woman, that if they could they would totally make me happy and how they can't believe that I'm real and all this other stuff. Not to mention them telling me I'm hot and sexy and other things of that nature. However, when it come right down to it and it's time for them to commit or step up in some way to make good on all those things they had said about me they don't. What's wrong with me that they don't want to really be with me?"

So after fully explain to him the issue that was floating around in my head... in his drunken honesty he comes out with this explanation...

"You're too good to be true and you are a fantasy that men like to have but will never actually have. You're what we wish our women to be like but will always go back to the nagging women who are constantly trying to change us and pushing us to do things that we really don't want to do."

After me complaining that that was just stupid, he went on to say that women like me are confusing and a puzzle. I was told again that I was pretty much too much work and that men would rather do what was easy.

So instead of doing what could theoretically make them happy they do what's easiest for them.

I would love to hear other peoples opinions on this because of course like I said all I had to go on was the honest drunken ramblings of someone who said I was too much of a hassle almost 10 years ago.

because I'm not sure I can believe the answer of 'You're too good to be true' answer to my 'What's wrong with me?' question.

But I think you could save my life...

I'm such a dreamer... sometimes when I hear certain songs I can picture in my head a certain someone singing that song to me and meaning every word of it...

stupid eh... *sighs*

It's not the only thing that I day dream about that's stupid... I've day dreamed about having another baby... you'd think I'd know better by now... nearly 4 years of trying passed and every so often it comes up again and I just don't think I can survive the heart break of having another miscarriage...

It's one thing to be with someone when they die... or even see someone die... it's a totally different experience to feel a human being die inside you. The pain of it... the feeling of sudden stillness within yourself when something had been moving before. The feeling of despair that there's nothing you could do to stop it. The feeling of loneliness when it's all over.

After the act is actually over there's these feelings left over... where you want closure... you want hugs and kisses... you want strong arms wrapped around you and a soft voice next to your ear telling you that everything will be ok... but then theres another part of you that wants to just hide into your shell and tell the rest of the world to fuck off. Me... I prefer the mix of the two... being holed up with one person and having the closeness without any talking and us telling the rest of the world to fuck off.

I'm especially a fan of withdrawing into myself but I like to be coaxed out every now and then to feel that when I'm gone I'm missed.

But then again I'm also the fan of finding the bottoms of bottles from the inside and just drowning myself and running away for awhile.

It's harded nowadays to get away from it all...and now that I'm older it seems I want to run further...

I've heard it all... look toward the future... keep your chin up...this too shall pass...stay positive...it happens for a reason... but I think the best was 'that sucks'...

I just want someone at times to wrap me up in their arms, kiss my head and say "I hate this happened, it makes me sad, I love you" and stay that way for hours.

I know... day dreamer...

Dear Big Daddy,

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,

Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,

'Coz I got time while she got freedom,

'Coz when a heart breaks no it don't break even

They say bad things happen for a reason

But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding

'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving

And when a heart breaks no it don't break even.

Just don't give up I'm workin it out

Please don't give in, I won't let you down

It messed me up, need a second to breathe

Just keep coming around...

Yeah, it's plain to see that you're beautiful

And there's nothing wrong with you

It's me, I'm a freak but thanks for lovin' me

Cause you're doing it perfectly

But I think you could save my life.

Tell them all I know now

Shout it from the roof top

Write it on the sky line

What we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be is

Impossible

Sometimes songs just say it better then I could.

I love you, I need you more then ever now.

Building Faith on Love and Words

Been spending my 'alone' time doing things I want to do :)

So far I've ordered take away... much cheaper when it's for one...

This weekend I talked to Big Daddy twice - nice treat :D

I went to the movies to see Vampires Suck with my sister...

Went out for dinner with My Mom, Sister and Mom's BF... and was able to have conversation without having to stop midsentence to say something to the boys...

Been exercising every day.

Had a lovely Womens Circle on Thursday... had a couple of new ladies show up.

and the list goes on and on...

I'm a very happy girl right now.

Though after talking to the Man, it seems that he'll be bringing the kids home and then turning around and going back up to his mothers... possibly for a couple more weeks... to help her out with things up there before their snow comes.

Up North where she lives the snow starts falling in October... last year for us we didn't really get any snow until after Yule.

Talking about Yule... I need to find some monies to scrounge together a Yule for the boys. Should do that soon since it tends to sneak up on me every year.

anyway... I should go... just finished working out and am all sweaty...

oh. and it seems the black hair is a big hit with friends and family...

so my body thinks it can dance

I'm real tired but I just had to say...

I need to stop watching martial arts shows/movies and any dance shows/movies... muscle memory is a bitch...

as I sit and watch shows that have either of those particular activities I can feel my muscles flinching... especially when watching any sort of dancing...

13 years of martial arts and over 10 years of dancing when I was younger has hardwired my muscles into recognizing them and wanting to do them again...

the dancing ones just make me want to dance again so bad... it's been 13 years since I was on a stage... :(

and now...to bed with my sleepy head...

Yes I've Been Black But When I Come Back You'll...Know Know Know

BEFORE...

and

AFTER!

So I did it... dyed my hair black this evening... and I'm really liking it...

I'm not really caring who else might like it... only because I really do...

Just don't give up on me...Just don't give up I'm workin' it out

Hey, slow it down whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Yeah I'm afraid whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

There might have been a time
And I would give myself away
Oooh once upon a time I didn't give a damn
But now, here we are so whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just don't give up I'm workin it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Yeah, it's plain to see (plain to see)
That baby you're beautiful
And it's nothing wrong with you
(Nothing wrong with you)
It's me, I'm a freak (yeah)
But thanks for lovin' me
Cause you're doing it perfectly
(It perfectly)

There might have been a time
When I would let you step away
I wouldn't even try
But I think you could save my life

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep comin around
Hey, whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)
Whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)

Just don't give up on me
(Uuuuuuh) I won't let you down
No, I won't let you down

(So I) just don't give up
I'm workin it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up (It messed me up)
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
Whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
Whataya want from me

Dedicated to Big Daddy... ;)

Over a Month Early...

Got an early birthday present from my Mother-in-law when she was here to pick up the Man and the two kids...

she bought me a Wii Fit plus!

Yay!

The way the Man was able to sell me on the idea of getting a wii a couple years ago was because he showed me the original wii fit pack... that and when I found out that the kids could play their game cube games on it as well... but it came down to it and we couldn't afford the Wii Fit pack... so like many things it got put on the back burner with the thought of when we have the money...

The Man knew this so when he found out that his mom was just going to give me money for my birthday he suggested getting the Wii Fit instead... so she did... and I couldn't be happier.

So I've already started using it... taking my time with it though...and not pushing too hard though it's hard...

My brain and my body remember what I used to be able to do... and they want to go gung ho... I've had to reel myself in quite a bit... but I'll get there again...

I had already gone back to working out a few weeks again but it feels good to be doing it with something that will keep track for me ;)

Oh What A Night... Late December back in... (Well technically August...)

what a day indeed...

I woke up today with the intention of going into the temple to do my workout ... went in and ended up doing a fairly lengthy meditation instead...

I came out and the Man and Boychild had just come back from the dentist, Boychild has no cavities... yay...

So I'm standing there looking over as I see him scratching his head... been on his case the last couple of showers he's had to fully wash out all the shampoo and conditioner out of his hair or his head will be itchy... then it dawned on me.... I went over to the loveseat and sat down... put a pillow down on the floor and had him kneel down and started checking... sure as shit... I found head lice... I wanted to cry... the poor kid has had it a few times in his life (since starting school)... I didn't have enough of the treatment solution to treat all of us... which I do every time it happens...

I thought we were going to all cry as I sat here and shaved 17" of his beautiful blonde off of his little head... as he sat there and fretted over the fact that the Manchild will likely make fun of his haircut... I just wanted to cry....

So in an act of solidarity the Man sat down while the Boychild was in the shower... so now they have this wager going to see who's hair will grow the fastest... we kept his hair (after washing it) and then I used the treatment on myself and on the Boychild... it was either that or I shaved my head as well... which I really considered...

So then of course came the stripping of beds and spraying of furniture and washing of bedding... Not what I expected to be doing today...

I then got a wild hare up my ass and took all the elements off the stove after making dinner and completely washing (SCRUBBING) the crap out of it... moved/trashed the stuff on the small counter top beside the stove... because we've found that we have a couple of resident rodents that have moved in... colour me pissed off...

Other then that I've been wanting to get the house clean before the Man and the kids head up north for two weeks... I'd like to do mostly a lot of resting those two weeks... you know since I won't have them to boss around and get me things :P

The last week when the Manchild was here we came to the conclusion that we totally need to watch more bad horror/thriller movies together... we watched Jaws 3 and Jaws 2 (yes in that order) and laughed our butts off at the graphics and acting in them...

But he enjoyed them... and wants to watch more of 'em... I told him he should just come here and live with us for his grade 8 year so I can get him caught up in all the bad 70's and 80's horror movies...

I've been drinking milk like it's going out of style... don't know why... not much of a milk drinker... but as of late can't seem to get enough of it... oh and fresh veggies... odd combo I know...

now I'm all yawny and need to go back to sleep... I'm thinking I'd love to just sleep for the two weeks that all the boys are gone... oh how sweet that would be...

oh and I want to go back to school... hmm not sure how that's gonna work...

I Know You Want Me, You Know I Want You...

Poor Blanche I understand her dilemma... and it usually ends up that no matter how badly you really want it someone else may want it even more... or in my case they want it less...

Hope everyone is having a very nice day.

see ya later.

You Are Always On My Mind.... you are always on my mind...

I really need to stop dreaming about me dying it's starting to get a little unnerving...

the last week it's been dying in child birth... when I've given birth to the two I have there was no chance of that happening... I have been warned that if I were to have another that it might wreak havoc with my heart and I would have to give birth in the hospital instead of at home like I had wished to do with the Boychild... there's never been any chance of me dying during childbirth and yet... I've been dreaming of dying while birthing a child...

I'm not about to start interpreting the dreams as I can just imagine where that would leave me...

I just wish they would stop they leave me feeling icky inside when I wake up...

Yes I've been black but when I come back you'll...know know know

black hair over 15 years ago.. Me preparing for the junior prom (crowned that night as well :P)

Here's me with my uber blonde hair

from a couple of years ago...

And of course me with my red hair....

I've done my hair red for the last few years because the Man, Manchild and Boychild all seemed to like it ... I'm getting a little tired of it... and it always fades so fast that it always seems to look dull...

when I was little I was extremely blonde though I always had dark eyebrows... people would ask my mom if she dyed my hair... she of course was upset by this because the first time I did dye my hair when I was like 14 yo she went up one side of me and down the other... then again I went from blonde to a plum colour so it was pretty drastic...

So I think I'll be doing my hair black again... it stayed a long time... hardly faded at all... and I looked pretty good with black hair...

that and it's been over 15 years since I dyed my hair black so I think it's about time to do that again :D

So I'll post a pic when I can go and pick up the dye....