I'm So Tired But I Can't Sleep, Standin' On The Edge Of Something Much Too Deep...

There's a reason why I put my all into everything I do... whether it be relationships, friendships, my non-profit work and my family... there's a reason I take risks and chances that others would shake their heads at... there's a reason why it hurts more when someone hurts me... there's a reason why I hang onto every moment with every person whether good or bad... there's a reason why sometimes it's hard to let go, hard to hold on, hard to stop... There's a reason...

The reason is because I know that every single day I know that I die a little bit inside... I live life to the fullest, take chances, have hope and believe in risks and doing now and asking for forgiveness later... every single day that I wake up I'm that much closer to the end of my life... whether its tomorrow, next week, ten years from now or maybe even 60 years from now... everyday I die just a little bit more... albeit it's a minute part but I know it's happening... the ultimate goal that we all strive toward from the moment we're born... is death. It's the grand prize at the end of it all. I won't go into after life, heaven, hell, reincarnation... none of us truly knows anything about any of those... and I don't really wish to start a debate about it...


But really do you live your life in a way that makes you feel like you've accomplished something? did you learn something new each day that you were a live? did you take the chances or risks or opportunities that presented themselves that day... that week or that month... have you lived in a way that you would be proud of if they wrote your life story after you were gone...

I've been ridiculed for taking some of the chances that I have... frowned at for risking some of the stuff that I've risked... and really cashing in on opportunities that I was faced with... but what have you done?


It doesn't even have to be on a grand scale, like jet setting to foreign countries to live among others, to have the most money, to have the best job... but taking a hold of the opportunities that rear up on a daily basis... the chances that might have a negative reaction... that vacation you've wanted to go on but have been told that you can't... what sort of chances do you take?

What do you do that makes you feel alive... not just living and going day to day... what is it that you do each and every day that makes you inhale deeply, smile broadly and look at the world and make you feel like you could conquer it, if ya wanted too...

Feeling alive everyday helps fight off the reality that you're dying each day... some days you die a little faster... with each drink... each toke... each pill... each cough... and even each time you find yourself in such a state of boredom or you feel like you're stagnating...

Does helping a customer with a hard problem make you feel alive? That first cup of hot coffee in the morning? Mid day masturbation? A hot shower? Closing a big deal? Watching cells split under a scope? Watching a child's face as they figure out the problem all on their own? Knowing a secret? Talking to a loved one? or even just petting your cat or dog?

Whatever you come up with that is your own, whatever it is that makes you feel that feeling of being alive... do it... indulge yourself in it...

Feel that alive feeling... because if you don't... you'll just wake up every day realizing that all you're doing is distracting yourself as you strive ever forward to your death...

We're all going to die sometimes, but wouldn't you like to leave a helluva story behind you... people telling it for years to come... it's not vanity, to want to be remembered.

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

When All You Got To Keep Is Strong, Move Along, Move Along Like I Know Ya Do...

Well I figure it's time to do an update when I have a phone call from the other side of the pond asking me how I've been and what's new since they'd not heard... *smiles* btw... thanks for the call I do enjoy talking to you, even if it's just listening to a message on my machine... I know you'd never say you do... but I do miss you. I know that even though things are changing on the 31st that you'll figure something out again... :)

Ok so ... personal notes to only one person aside for the moment... although I will warn you that there might be another at the end...

So where to start...?

We move on the 1st of Nov. into a big beautiful house, where we're going to have no bed and no furniture... *laughs* but at least we'll be in a house and we'll be happier... I'm sure we'll scrounge together a few bucks to go buy some bargain basement used 1960's furniture or something until we can actually afford some... which is too bad I had a beautiful set picked out at the Brick... oh well... not dwelling.. too happy about the move to do that...

So it's official that Samhain will be the last holiday we have in this apartment... which is funny since... none of us will actually be here...
So I guess technically this past weekend which was our thanksgiving was our last holiday here... I'm glad that I decided on friday night that we should have a real thanksgiving for the four of us...

Showed the manchild the house since he hadn't seen it... he loves it... can't wait to help me fix up the back yard and help me plant some gardens and maybe even set up the trampoline in the back yard...

I can't wait to get in, in the next couple of weeks and paint it to suit us a bit better... ya know... hot pink just ain't my thing and I don't wish it to be in my front foyer... *laughs* omg!! I'm getting a front foyer... *grins* Yeah I'm excited... so we don't have a whole bunch of money for a new bed or new furniture... but I'm getting out of this one and a half bedroom shoe box that we've been in for four years...

my sex life is fantastic... but then again it should be when trying to have a baby... *grins* or two... they've figured out the problems and we've been set straight again and hopefully soon I'll be announcing to all those who actually care and read this that I'll be having my third and maybe fourth baby... *laughs* Yeah we'll have enough room for them ; )

So mostly life right now consists of packing, allergy medication, an odd drink now and then, planning an anniversary party, looking forward to a halloween party, lots of awesomely good yummy sexxors, and late night movie sessions... mixed in with a bit of mu*'ing and some smiles...

Now... obviously not everything is rainbows and candy canes... there is still something hanging up in the air... I hope that the conversation we had today hasn't and doesn't set us back a few weeks... I've been feeling good about talking and getting things out that we hadn't before... the conversations and the pace has been feeling right... and I hope it has for you as well... I've been smiling more afterward... I've been sighing less... and really I've been hoping that things are changing for you for the better as well... if not I understand, but I hope it doesn't stay that way for too long... you know how much I prefer your smile... especially the real one that showcases the dimples ; ) Just Smile Ludo...

Yeah so that was the other personal note... but hey it's my blog...

So the costume will be posted after I get some pics from the party on the 25th... even if no one wants to see my fat ass in it : P ... but anyway... too leave on a bit more serious note...

Why would anyone think that someone who is bi-sexual need to 'come out' too their parents?

I never did and I am... I think I just feel that, that's a part of my life that they really don't need to know about... So I never did... but others feel that they should... what do you think...?

Why Can't We Not Be Sober?

Nothing says 'Hey Don't Forget You're A Parent' ...like...


So the man comes home and I haven't been feeling well all day... was in bed when he got home with the kidlet...
So being the ever loving and caring man that he is, he comes into the bedroom and lays down with me to cuddle... to make me feel better... and apparently to cop a feel as he did...

So the boychild goes out to play on the computer after telling me about his day... the man and I get all cuddly and close and start talking about how we need to get the bills changed for the new house and blah blah blah...

So I start playing with him a bit as we're chatting... and after a few minutes we quirk our eyebrows at each other and get that mischievous look upon our faces... I take a quick glance toward the door... we both know that once the boychild gets on the computer he's there for hours if we let him...

Mid day coitus can be such fun... right... *chuckles* I end up straddling him... not unusual even if the boy child was going to the bathroom and walking by... Mommy sits on Daddy when she gives him a massage too... ;) So yeah... anyway... we do our thing... fairly quickly I may add... but not quite realizing that hey... as we finished up it kinda sounded like someone was coming into the bedroom...

Still breathing heavy and partially naked (we were at least under the covers) suddenly there is a seven year old on my back thinking that mommy and daddy are playing 'pile up'... (go ahead I'll wait for you to all laugh)

he proceeds to announce "Pile Up!! I'm on mommy, mommy's on daddy and daddy's on the bed! I win!"

*insert omfg face on both man and I here*

*laughs*

So yes nothing reminds you more that you're still a parent like the small voice of a child yelling pile up when trying to be all romantic in the middle of the day...

Happy 17th Birthday Linux...

Next year you'll be legal and everyone will want to tap that ass... ;)