Appreciation and Expectations

I don't have a hidden agenda or malicious motivations, or even unreasonable expectations when I help my friends out or offer to do stuff for them.

I try to be a good person and a good friend to those I care about.
By helping them out any way that I can that isn't monetary, because face it, I'm broke.

It's very common for me to want to try to fix a situation that might be causing them issues, frustrations or annoyances. Mainly because I want to see the people I care about be happy.

Maybe that's lofty of me to think that I could solve other peoples problems but, in reality I try to only offer help or advice in areas that I think I could help out in.

I don't generally expect anything in return, possibly the ability to call on them in my time of need without thinking that I'm bothering or pestering them, which I generally don't do unless it's an absolute must because I'll feel like a burden to them if I ask for assistance. When I do ask for help in some way though I do try to make it up  to them. Buy them lunch, make them a nice dinner, offer up a massage and of course I always let them know that I'm thankful for their help.

I don't really understand people who do things for others just to see what they can get out of them. The people that do the 'Well I helped you with this...so you should do this... for me.'
Or they lord it over you with the 'Well you remember that time that I did this for you.'

That's being a dick...not being a friend.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine with whom I really haven't spoken to in about 9 years. We have said hi how are ya but that's about it over the last few years but never anything too major. I let them know that I was concerned and a bit worried about them because they've been having nightmares quite frequently. They were surprised that I would care at all about what was going on with them or that I would put any thought into trying to help them figure out why they were having them.

I explained that just because we stopped talking and haven't really said much to each other in the last decade doesn't mean I just suddenly one day stopped caring about them.

For the people I care about I wish to be a bright spot in their day...or week...or lifetime. I wish for those I help out, care about and hang out with to smile when they hear my name and say 'she really helped me out when...' or 'she made me feel better when...' Something that makes them have a good thought.
With so much negativity in the world...when there's so many people out there who would rather see us all fail because they're miserable in their own lives... I just want to bring some joy and happiness maybe even some colour to peoples lives...

I read a picture on FB the other day that said 'Don't expect others to do for you what you do for them, their heart isn't like yours.' and also 'Expectations are the downfall of every relationship.'

They both rang very true to me... especially when you read the relationship to mean any relationship you have with any human being... I have a relationship with  my kids, my parents, my friends at different levels, and even the relationship I have with myself... it all boils down to the root of the word relationship...relate...how do you relate to others around you and how are they related or relating to you... All my relations... anyway... it doesn't always mean a couple who are committed to each other in a loving bonded sort of way... This is why it's best to know the English language when trying to communicate with others in discussions...but that's another blog for another time...

I realize that I get disappointed in people when I hold them to the expectations that I hold myself at. I expect myself to be thankful and to tell my friends that I love them and that they are important to me and show that by being helpful, remembering small things like their favourite colours or when their birthdays are... I expect myself to show up in support of someone elses loss of a dear family member even if I've not talked to them in 5 years... I expect myself to give pieces of myself away to others even when they have no idea I've done it... I expect myself to respond to a text from someone, even if it's just an acknowledgement to that person that I received their text...

I also realized that some days I need to lower the expectation bar on myself so that I stop wearing myself a bit thin.

I've made myself a very small group of friends...which is bad in a way when three of them live on the West coast of the United States...but hey we do what we can... the other four that I have here...well...they're all dealing with their own shit...and as much as I try to help them out... I know they need to deal with their own stuff on their own at times...and I also know that even though they are in my very small circle of friends of near and dear and I love them... I'm not in theirs.

And sometimes people set an expectation bar pretty high themselves...like when they treat me a certain way I expect that's how they will always treat me... like driving 2 hrs home to spend 4 hours with me before having to go to bed to sleep and then get up for work again the next morning, driving the 2 hours back again... or finding out that I have an achy body after practice so pouring me a glass of wine and drawing me a beautiful bubble bath before giving me a massage... which after time apparently becomes 'oh that sucks...' while they lay on a couch watching a sitcom...

When you lead with one and turn into the second...it brings about disappointment... I'm not saying I always want or need wine, bubbles and a rub... that's exhausting and would become routine...but a little more compassion...

But anyway I digress...

People tend to set their own expectation bars with how they treat you or at least that's what they do with me... Oh you treated me like this...well I guess this is what I can expect from you from now on...
Not saying that right off the bat you should set it low...but you should never set it so high that you can't keep it up...

I got so far down this topic of expectation I totally lost where my original thought was going...lol

I want to bring happiness to peoples lives by helping them how I can. I don't expect a parade in my honour...but a heartfelt and sincere thank you is appreciated...and goes a long fucking way.

Sticky Words

Sometimes someone will say something to you and it will just stick with you. You try to shake it off or convince yourself that it's not true, but it doesn't matter how hard you try, you just can't shake it.

A month ago in a moment of frustration and anger someone called me a selfish bitch.

It was like a slap in the face with cold water while someone shoved a knife in my back.

I put others first, I try to help them however I can, and I always try to consider their feelings.

So to be called selfish, wounded me. I was hurt by someone who said they would never want to hurt me.
By someone who continually hurts my feelings without thought or perhaps without knowing or maybe without caring.

I talk myself into thinking that they care about me and that if push came to shove that they would have my back. But...would they?

I asked them if they really did think I was selfish. It's been awhile since they called me that and I wanted to see if they really did.

They said no after seeming a bit surprised by the question.

It helped a bit with the nagging part of my brain that kept me wondering if that's how they truly see me.

There's very few people whose opinions matter to me, this person is one. It sucks that there is some days where I'm left wondering whether or not they even like me.

So many times they barely look at me or talk to me and yet...there's other times where they make me feel like the most important person.

It's a crazy head game that needs to stop being played.

The Longest Night

I understand that with my particular and peculiar skill set that I'm seen as weird or crazy, I've come to accept that.

I'm highly intuitive, empathic and highly sensitive to the things that people can't see or understand.

This all gets kicked up a notch from October to December.
That's when The Dark Time is...the longest night...so to speak.
The veil between the world and that of the after life thins, messages come from our ancestors and loved ones beyond. This is also the time when those close to their own end will step through the veil.
Also when those of us sensitive to it ride the line between the two and get the messages intended for others.

So often when this time is upon us I withdraw a bit because of the noise around me. This year it seems messages are coming in a bit early...and man is the sender trying their hardest to a message across.

I just don't know what to do when the person who is supposed to be getting it is ignoring the messages.

Some spooky shit has been happening already and it's just coming onto October now, not looking forward to the next month or so.

I don't like when the messages are for me and I can't do anything about them. Going to need to start blocking that shit out.

Saved My Life...Twice.

I started this post a few weeks ago...probably a couple months ago now since it's nearly October...and I didn't have it in me to share it with anyone... I'm not sure why I am now... but I need to put it out there.


For awhile a lit bit ago... I was very seriously depressed and locked within my own head... it was very hard for me to deal with it.

I went to work...went to derby...went to the gym...went to bed... that is how my schedule has been for the last few weeks.

I have a job that takes very little brain power...so for an extreme over thinker such as myself it left my brain free to think about everything and over think everything as well.

I try very very hard to hide my depression when I'm in the midst of a spell of it like that.
I don't want for my friends and especially my family to see how dark my thoughts can be.
The idea of them knowing scares me a bit...what if they reject me because of those thoughts...or even worse try to have me committed because of them.

I joke around with some of my friends by saying stuff like 'I need adult supervision...' when doing something as easy as putting on sunblock.

A couple of weeks back I went to the beach twice with Sugarbear (...I really do need a new nickname for him...and soon...) in the span of a week. The first time a blanket was brought and some refreshments and we stayed for awhile...
I swam out and just kept swimming until I looked back at one point and everyone seemed small on the beach...Sugarbear was laying on the blanket. I turned and swam out further and was accompanied with the thought of...if I drown out here there would be no mess to clean up...if I just keep swimming eventually I wouldn't be able to continue...
I turned back and saw SB on the blanket and he was laying with his face turned toward the water...and even if he wasn't looking at me at the time it looked like he was...and I felt a bit guilty, I swam back in...and shortly after that we left.
Ended up having a nice dinner and a nice evening together...but in the back of my mind I knew...I knew that I had wanted to keep swimming and not come back earlier.

The second time I had sent SB a text earlier in the day suggesting we go take a dip in the lake after work. When he didn't answer me by the time after work rolled around I showed up at his place to ask him.

We went...not sure he really wanted to...but I'm glad he came...even though he didn't stay in long...and made it seem like he wanted to leave... I got to have a nice swim...but the urge to swim out in the rough water that day was really strong again...

I had thought several times and contemplated on a couple of occasions about harming myself or committing suicide.

I didn't say anything to anyone. Still technically only told two people.
When I have some people in my life whose response to stories of people taking there own lives is a good riddance type of feeling, it's  hard to work up the nerve to say anything.

The thoughts have gone again and I'm feeling much better again.

However I am quite certain that Sugarbear saved my life twice...

Happy? Birthday...

So I had a birthday on Tuesday... I'm 37 now.

I had the worst birthday.

Not because everything went wrong...it was just that nothing felt right.

It started the night before where everything just sort of felt weird with SB and I. To the point where I just ended up leaving and going home after he fell asleep.

I woke up and saw that SB wished me a public happy birthday  (which surprised me a bit) and went to the gym like usual with Pinky. Where I got an 'Oh it's today? Well happy birthday.' Between reps on the delts machine.

I told The Man that I wanted to go out for breakfast...had to buy my own of course...and then I went to the bank where on the way he yelled at me because he had a commitment and 'needed' to get to his volunteer thing.

Dropped him off.

And proceeded to spend the rest of my day alone. Where not one but two of my close inner circle of friends totally forgot it was my birthday.

Facebook is great but I have it set up to not show my birthday on purpose. People are sheep. The only reason half the people wished me a happy birthday was because they saw others doing on FB.

I watched the newest Doctor Who to get away from the fakeness that is facebook.

I had sent SB a message at 7:30ish in the morning letting him know that in 12 hours I wanted to kidnap him and do something but that I would have him back by bedtime.

So just before 4 I pick up The Man and head to a doctor's appointment with Dr Awesome. I sat in his waiting room listening to his extremely negative receptionist for an hour...my appointment was at four. I told her to reschedule me because I had other places to be.

Left and went and bought some groceries...whoo can't stop the fun now.

Went to the arena to the Freshmeat practice as I have signed up to be a Guest Trainer and I still needed to collect some more paperwork and registration fees.

I ended up leaving later than I wanted to...raced to the house dropped The Man off out front and raced over to SBs house.

Where I got a really cold reception. Add to that the silent treatment when I asked at 8 if I could still kidnap him for about an hour.

I can't eat cake...regular cake...gluten free...sugar free...ice cream...I can't  (am not suppose to) eat cake. So I don't get a candle on a cake to blow out to make a wish.
So this year I wanted to light a lantern at the  beach and make a wish as it flew off.
Maybe cheesy but that's what I wanted.

I also couldn't bear the thought of doing that all alone when I was already feeling alone. So with tears in my eyes I went back into the house and asked SB to please come with me.

He did. Begrudgingly, but he did. The beach was beautiful  (smelly...but beautiful)...
Didn't stay long, had promised to get him back for bed...

Had to stop to get something to eat...hadn't eaten since breakfast.
So my birthday dinner at 8:30ish at night was a Tuscan Chicken Panini from Tim Hortons...woohoo fine dining at it's best.

Scarfed it down...and then went and got into bed with SB.

I knew he was tired...I figured he didn't nap like I had suggested in my morning text...didn't look like he ate...but still...no excuse for what happened next...

I asked for a cuddle before sleep... (now...a cuddle is a cuddle... if I wanted sex I would have out and out said fuck me it's my fucking birthday... but I asked for a cuddle...) Not only did I not get even the slightest of fucking hugs...I got out and out berated because he needs 8 hours of sleep to function and has to go to work and doesn't get to just laze around...

This would be where I rolled over and just quietly cried myself to sleep and wished my birthday had never happened feeling isolated and so very alone, not mention uncared for and unwanted.

I understand that to some people their birthday is just another day of the year... I get that. I like to think of mine as a special day just for me...to do what I want with whom I wish. It's  a day just for me. Where I get doted on a bit because I've survived another year of my constant struggle with my own issues and decided to keep myself around for another year. A day where my friends and family wish me more than just a 'great day'.

I spend every other day of the year doing things for others and hoping that in some way I have been a good thing in their lives and brought them some happiness. I don't think it's selfish of me to want one day where people do nice things for me.

I don't even care about getting presents or anything... I dunno.
Maybe my expectations of others are too high.

I just thought those in my life that I love and love me would have done more than just pay lip service to me on my birthday. Or at least would have remembered it was my birthday.

A Weekend Of Firsts...

I am so zen right now I didn't even notice a mosquito biting my forehead.

My calm has been repairing itself for the last two days now.

Friday Sugarbear and I left to come to Manitoulin Island...after possible threats to my job and having #DD not exactly happy about my taking Friday and the holiday Monday off work. But... I just needed to get away to a nature place to repair myself a bit.

It's been amazing.. I don't know how to thank Sugarbear for having me along. He isn't feeling well still but we made the trek here... Oh yeah I am right now sitting in a hunting blind (way up in the air) just listening to the wind in the trees and all the bitty bugs buzzing around, watching all these trees just waving about lazily in the breeze...birds chirp every so often...but what I can't hear is...a sorting machine clanking away, video games, animals scratching at cages, dog nails ticking across the floor, cats yowling, women bickering, traffic on the highway...and it's so fucking fantastic that I can't even think of a better word.

Friday evening we got here about 7:30ish... We stopped at The French River Trading Post (which if we go by there again I'm gonna have to stop...there's a beautiful shawl/poncho there that I want really badly). We stopped so I could see the Big Nickel in Sudbury. Made a couple pee stops for me...

Don't think Sugarbear had realized prior to this trip that I have actually never been this far north before.

He seemed surprised when he found out.

Camp is nice, I like the concept. One common building with bathroom and kitchen facilities and then everyone has their own tent or trailer to sleep in, reminds me of the old scout camps that way a bit.

SB and I are staying in his sisters trailer. I had brought Pinkys kammock setup so I could go out on my own in the woods but never did get around to setting it up. What can I say...I don't mind being all cramped up in a bed with Sugarbear.

I've met a couple more family members while here...an auntie and a couple uncles, the other brother and a nephew. Everyone has been real nice and friendly.

Went out yesterday to Silver Water Lake...the one closest to camp...then went down to Meldrum Bay to see the Mississagi Lighthouse. Got to dance around a bit on some big rocks on the shore of Lake Huron... Now if I were keeping track which I have started to now...I grew up and have been in Lake Erie, I now live by and have been in Lake Ontario, when I was really little I went with my grandpa out west and we took a ferry over Lake Michigan and if I remember correctly dipped my feet in it...and now have had my feet in Lake Huron...I'm just missing Lake Superior from my Great Lakes bucket list.

Sugarbear seems slightly surprised when I tell him things like how being out at the lighthouse on the rocks with the waves of Huron lapping at the rocks was fucking amazing...how it was so serene sitting on a camp chair next to Silver Water Lake...how even I was impressed at the sheer numbers of trees here...

He even took a piece of rock and wrote out my name on the rocks...

SB and his nephew took me to the dump last night...I was so excited...I was going to get to see bears......and then we got there...no bears to be seen... And we waited...and waited...they had been telling me stories about the bears that had been there and how they're always there...and then...nada.

Same with the deer situation...there's always deer around the island especially at dusk...we saw one...and I didn't get to my camera fast enough to catch a pic of her.

On Friday we saw a porcupine in the middle of the road not even giving a fuck about anything...he was adorable.

I've found a few dimes on our travels...more than I've actually given to SB but I have given him 3 that I've found...they have significance to him......

I just don't know what she's trying to convey to him message wise. He won't talk about it...am I the only one that seems to find them around him...or do other people or other women...?

Meh... I don't ask him these sorts of things any more. I figure if he ever wants to share with me in his own time...then he doesn't have to think of a lie on the spot.

Does make me wonder if he lies to the other women he talks to and meets as well or if I'm the only special one that way...lol

Anyway... I just quit asking questions that might provoke a feeling for fear that he'll lash out...

But back to the here...so...it's Sunday and it's almost one in the afternoon...and I'm in a deer hunting blind trying to figure out what kind of bird is making this weird noise by me... And doubting at this time of the day that I'll see any wild life...

I just sort of wandered off while SB and his nephew are doing some work on the camp building.

And now I pick this post back up and it's Wednesday and I have so much more to say...

Sunday I got down out of the deer blind and moseyed back to camp to find that the guys were almost done the work on the ceiling... I told the nephew about my journey out back and into the blind...he seemed surprised, then SB comes back in and asks about my goings on and I told him about my journey out back to the deer blind and he seemed surprised as well...

So... it seems no one has been up in it in years and they weren't sure if it was too safe any more...I can't help but chuckle...leave it to me.

There were a couple spots where the wood was a bit soft but I just didn't put a whole lot of weight down in those spots.

When the work was as complete as it was going to get we all jumped into the cars and headed down to the lake where I proceed to bathe with three men.

It was a weekend of many firsts for both Sugarbear and I...that was definitely one of them...the bathing with three men, not the bathing in a lake...

We ended up getting invited to go to dinner at an uncles place down the road and around the corner...made some awesome chicken wings...

Had a fairly laid back night...didn't have a fire like we had the night before...sort of did some knitting and then went into camp to see what the guys were doing... SB and nephew were still watching some nascar and other brother went to bed...
After a few minutes I grabbed a drink and headed back out.

Monday morning was pretty much wake up and pack up.

We hit the road by about 11 (if I remember correctly) and I was very quiet for the first bit of driving...I wasn't overly excited to be heading home already, it had been so relaxing and I had such a good time with SB that I kind of didn't want it to end yet.

He drove to a place called Bridal Veil Falls near Kagawong on Manitoulin Island...where we took some pics got a little damp and enjoyed the scenery.
It was so pretty just these two little falls tucked away...there were some other people there enjoying it as well.

We continued our journey, stopping in Sudbury for some food and then headed to The French River Trading Post again... I nearly had an anxiety attack... I had fallen in love with an alpaca poncho/shawl and it was so soft and so pretty...and then when we got back there, there was two... a dark blue one and a royal medium blue one (the one I saw the first time)...I have never spent so much on one article of clothing for myself before in my life.
As I swiped my debit card, my inside voice was screaming 'That's a ten hour shift at minimum wage!!' I just breathed through it and now own it.

Just before or after depending on which way you're travelling there is a sort of walking bridge that you can see from the one lane bridge by the trading post...

And now it's Friday...
Finally got pics put up on facebook - I whittled it down to about 108 photos... which is good normally I have hundreds of photos...

So back to what I had been saying... we stopped at a rest stop of sorts after the one lane bridge and went into the trails to find the one that lead to that bridge we could see...

I'm not used to someone being willing to make stops to check stuff out for me... when we walked out of the trading post I asked a bit sheepishly if we could go for a walk meaning look for that bridge... SB seemed quite willing to stop so that I could check it out...

It just seemed the very opposite of when I went to San Francisco...

We found the bridge after taking a different trail...but both ended up with a gorgeous view.

Our trek home was another of my favourite snippets of time...we talked. Quite a bit actually...From Bridal Falls to Barrie we just talked about all sorts of things... we don't tend to talk like that too often and it was just nice. Seemed like a really good getting to know you sort of conversations.
I loved it.

There's not too much about the trip that I didn't like...what I'm not exactly liking now is that the photos I've been trying to add to this post are giving me a bitch of a time and making me frustrated.
I'm also not liking not being able to just cuddle with SB whenever I want...lol

We did end the weekend on a fun note... and I don't know about Sugarbear but there has been a couple of times that I've reflected this past week and wished we were still away on our vacation...

However looking forward... I can't wait for our Dominican Republic trip this winter.

(I had a bunch of lovely pics that I was wanting to add to this post but that just wasn't happening they would be perfectly fine in their folder but as soon as I would go to upload them into the post they would get rotated a quarter of a turn and then once they are in the post there is no way to rotate them again so...instead... going to have to just give the link to the album that I put up on Facebook because I'm tired of fucking around with this stupid thing.)

I Hate Feeling So Weak.

I do not like to be seen as weak ...ever.

I struggle with accepting that my 'issues' are actually 'mental illness'. Depression and Anxiety...to be even more specific.

I don't just come right out and tell people that I have these issues. I have enough outward health issues that I don't want to scare people away.

I have a fucked up tendon in my thumb that goes into my wrist (that's the latest issue), respiratory issues with my lungs (obvi), of course my ongoing heart condition, my ankle which will start to bother me when I stand too long...

I try very hard to not complain about my aches pains bumps or bruises...and I definitely do not complain to people about my mental illness when it's flaring up and getting the better of me.

When the sneak up and become larger then my life seems to be I try very hard to get away from the hub bub of every day and recharge...generally somewhere quiet and when it gets really bad somewhere in nature.

Burton and I going to Red Spiral was a very good recharge for me when we would go to Egansville to Raven's Knoll.

The last couple of years though I've not had a chance to get away to do a recharge...it's really creeping up on me. I've had SBs place to get some quiet when I need...he and I have been to the beach a few times and being in the water helps...but it's not quite the same.

When my brain gets too loud...and life is too loud it makes me want to shut down. It makes me irritable, and angry at the littlest of things. Last week while the boys were gone things got much worse, having to deal with a bunch of derby stuff for the intake, the house with all the animals - and the messes that I was coming home to, the chaos that is working on the farm and a lack of sleep.

I have a support system that don't even know how much I depend on them to make sure I don't do stupid things. SB had saved me 3 times last month and he doesn't even realize it.

I broke down and told #DD about what had been going through my head...and I feel as though I shouldn't have done that. I had just gotten really close to the end of my rope and he's been there for me in the past.
I just know that he has so many other things and other stressors that he has to deal with.

I just need to get away and go sit in a bush for a couple of days...and for the first time I don't mean the slang term for a womans vagina.

I have so many other things to write about and post but I just don't have the time at the moment... I need to go to bed again so that I can go to work in a few hours.

My Best Friend.

In 1998 at a Hallowe'en party standing at a table next to my best friend a person asked us... Are you two together? We looked at each other and then back at the person and in unison said 'No'... the person chuckled and said 'well you should be.' We looked at each other again and shrugged and said 'I dunno...ya wanna?'

That's when we started 'dating' and it was just after that we ended up moving in together... it was never an earth shattering falling in love or head over heels... it was a comfortable setup... we had always enjoyed each others company...

At the beginning I had been going through a lot of testing because there had been some abnormalities in some tests I had done on my cervix and after talking with my doctor about what comes next he suggested that if I wanted anymore children that I should likely do that rather soon because the procedures that he was talking about doing could limit whether or not I could have more children.
I already had the Manchild so I knew I wanted at least one more.

I was quite worried.

My best friend is/was The Man. We lived together and of course I love him. We discussed children and Boychild came along.

The Man and I also had conversations about the fact that he and I had vastly different needs when it came to sexual appetites.

He was actually the first one to bring up an open relationship and said that it would be more for my benefit. We established some ground rules which evolved and changed over time as things are want to do.

As time went on so did we...living together and raising the boys and I would have a guy here or there to satiate my needs.

And then... I fell hard for another guy. I was confused...and distraught. I didn't know what to do...because of how I was raised I assumed that I couldn't possibly love two people. So I told The Man that I was leaving and moving away.

Shit happened...I came home. Moved back in with The Man and my boys.

Years later I fell in love with another...Bing. We tried to make it work with him so far away and The Man and I here. It lasted nearly 4 years before Bing didn't want to do it anymore.

The Man has been my rock...my go to when things are rough. I do love him. I never really fell in love with him though...I didn't have the butterflies and the always thinking about him stuff. There were and are times when I want him around to talk to and to figure shit out with, but I found that I was never really physically or sexually attracted to him like I was with the other two.

Over the last 2 and a half years we've been living more like room mates than like lovers. He's been my support when my anxiety attacks come or when my depression hits hard. He's been my touchstone when I'm trying to figure shit out with other men. Just like you would do with your best friend over wine or beer.

This last year and a half we've barely even slept together. Maybe as many times as I can count on one hand.

For nearly a year I had been exclusively with SB and The Man and I have just been room mate best friends living together. When the exclusivity with SB and I stopped in February, and I started dating others again, it was nice that it didn't change things with The Man and I.

And why not? If we still get on so well why should we bother to move apart? We still have a son at home who would benefit by having his parents here in the same house loving him and taking care of him. Financially it's easier on both of us to live in the same house.

I have a great amount of love for The Man and would hate to lose him from my life, he is as I said my greatest supporter and the best friend I could ever have.

In a world as cruel as the one we live in can be why not stick together as a clan?

I'm probably a dick for this...living with a man who I care a great deal about especially because he's a great father to my child, but who I am not truly in love with. It works for us. We talk shit out about our feelings and we're honest about everything.
He's been compared to a saint for "dealing with me and my shit" according to friends and family...and me.

After 18 years we have settled into a groove of what works for us...why should I move out and struggle in a place of my own just to maybe find someone who would want to date me?

All the men I've been with tend to be amazed by me and then my novelty seems to wear off and they chuck me aside.

So why deal with that alone? I live with my best friend whose ear I can talk off about how dumb boys are for hours...lol

I live with my best friend...he's the best damn room mate I could ever ask for.

August Weigh In

I've been getting frustrated because I've been going to the gym and working out pretty hardcore actually...plus been going to derby and instead of seeing any signs of my weight going down I seem to keep yo-yoing up and down with the same 5 pounds.... not even going to lie it's been quite discouraging...

And with not getting feedback from those around me it seems like nothings changing at all...it genuinely makes me feel like being a girl about it and crying...

Ankles   L 9 (same) R 8.5 (same)
Calves    L 16 (-0.5) R 16 (-1)
Thighs    L 26 (same) L 26 (same)
Wrists     L 6.25 (-0.25) R 6.5 (same)
Forearms L 10.5 (-0.25) R 10 (-0.75)
Biceps     L 15 (+1) R 14.75 (+1)

Hips 46 (+1)
Belly 40.5 (-4.5)
Waist 36.25 (-2.75)
U.Bust 36 (+0.5)
O.Bust 41 (-3)
Neck 15 (+0.5)

I seem to still be hovering around the 205 lbs mark I wasn't able to actually weigh myself because I wasn't at the gym on Monday like usual - Pinky's off camping right now until tomorrow...

Shh...

Not fair to say secret emotionally feely type things in your sleep.

Snippets of Moments

In those moments...short in comparison of all the moments spent apart...in those short moments I can see it in your eyes...when looking at me...in the way your fingers make their  way across my skin...your hands glide across the span of my body...as our bodies get more entwined...pressing closer together...

As you then look down at me...it's the only time you seem to really look at me...
In those  moments we're together by ourselves in the quiet of the room...the only noises are those we make...the results from our explorations of each other...

It's these snippets of time that I see something I so wish I could see  all the time...

A glimpse past the and over the wall...the barricade that is up all the time... I peek at the softness...the creamy nougat if you will...

I get to feel your energy change and the intensity of which it flows from you...
The part of you that I would bet that only one perhaps two others have ever seen...

It's that part that mirrors what I feel all the time. It mirrors and reflects...

In those moments we are so in sync those moments are when forever lasts but one second.

You broke me.

You broke me and changed the way I see things. You changed the way I wanted things.

I can't tell you.
If I did you'd run again.

I don't runaway, I try to save myself from saying things that you don't want to hear.
I save myself from hearing you say cruel things...I save myself from feeling unwelcome and uncertainties.

We don't know what you want.

When things are good they are so so very good.
When things were bad...they were horribly cruel and spiteful.

I don't feel wanted until those moments...those tiny moments where you hold me close and kiss me deeply.
And make me feel like you do love.

July Weigh In

This is being posted late...because I forgot to post it not because I forgot to do it...oops...
As always everything is in inches.


Ankles    L 9 (-0.5) R 8.5 (-0.5)
Calves     L 16.5 (same) R 17 (+0.5)
Thighs     L 26 (+0.5) R 26 (-0.5)
Wrists      L 6.5 (same) R 6.5 (+0.25)
Forearms L 10.75 (-0.25) R 10.75 (-0.5)
Biceps     L 14 (+0.5) R 13.75 (+0.25)

Hips 45 (-0.5)
Belly 45 (+1.5)
Waist 39 (+2)
U. Bust 35.5 (-1.5)
O. Bust 44 (same)
Neck 14.5 (+0.5)

It's The Little Things

Sometimes I have the loveliest of admirers.

They try and it's sweet.

Sorry to Suck, Swallow and Run...But...

Doing something today that I haven't done in a long time, taking time out of my day to sit down and write up a proper blog post. It seems like since the beginning of the year I haven't really sat down and typed out the stuff that rolls around in my head. I know why part of that is and I may finally touch on that today. The long of it is...this is likely to be a pretty long blog  post that goes a bit everywhere.

Not even sure where to start...

Been taking a more proactive stance when it comes to derby. Trying to do what I can to keep the forward momentum with the league going. Offering suggestions and help when and where I can to different people and committees. So far since the restructuring people seem very open to it. Let's hope it keeps going that way. I have had a couple of issues with  a couple of the refs who seem to be on a power trip of sorts but hopefully that's getting sorted out.
Our next round of games starts again in September...as does the next set of FM training. So that means more intake sessions. Hopefully switching up the format for that...wish me luck.

A couple of weeks ago I told the Man that I missed seeing #DD every day...then #DD called me and asked me about coming back to the farm for cherry sorting.
I love #DD, one of my best guy friends like ever...oddly enough since I don't tend to get too close with dudes until I've slept with them.
I love seeing him every day he's one of those people with the energy that just makes me want to hug them every time I'm near them. Odd reaction but there's a few people like that in my life.
Anyway... I love seeing him every day even though it's not for hangouts...but I dislike the job. I mean I hate anything that is 'work', that's why if I've said it once I've said it a million times, I wasn't built for working...I was built for being a housewife and a porn star.
There are several times a day after noon that I picture myself just walking out and going home...or just killing myself.
There's a couple things that I'm holding onto that stop me from walking out or offing myself... I love #DD and either of those would likely hurt him...I want a new tattoo... and I want to go on a vacation...
If I don't have goals...amirite?

Burton came home for two weeks... it was too short.
I understand that she enjoys being out in Cali and that she now calls that home but she doesn't understand that the reason why she's always so busy when she's back here in Canada is because everyone loves her and they want to soak up as much of her as they possibly can. We all miss her so very much while she's gone and our smiles are all just a tiny bit dimmer for her being gone.
It may bother her a bit when we (her friends and family) talk about wanting her to come back and stay here. There's hardly any jobs here, the weather fucking sucks and is either too hot or too cold, and she feels like a failure at times because of her marriage failing... and yeah all of that stuff sucks. However... she makes everyones life a little brighter, a little bit happier and just that little bit better.
It's why she has so many friends where ever she is... and her Cali friends may have missed her SOOOOOO much while she was gone...but they get her so much more than we do.
I did get to spend quite a bit of time with her and for that I'm grateful. I love Burton. She is my wifey after all.

 Pinky and I have been going to the gym together for a couple of months now (we've even made up names for the regulars, but then we had to switch our schedule and there's not as many regulars we're finding in the evenings as there was in the mornings so we're having to come up with new names for people)...I'm not exactly content with any of my results. I've been going up and down with the same five pounds and it's frustrating the fuck out of me. Trying to clock in harder now though. Last night someone lit a fire under my ass. Out of no where I was on the treadmill doing what was suppose to be our cool down after our leg day work out (which I levelled up at all the machines), I started running. I ran for a minute straight at 4mph, then after a couple of minutes of walking at 2mph again I started to run this time at 4.5 mph, then back down to 2 mph...after a couple more minutes was running at 5 mph...and then for the very last minute before the 5 minute cool down I was running at 5.5 mph.

Anyone who knows me knows that I do not run....like ever. Mainly because I don't breathe properly, I dislike the feel of my fat jiggling while I run and I'm always concerned about my boobs and how much they bounce even in a sports bra.
But fuck it... I work out so that I can feel better...and one day I will look great naked...too myself. I put that clarifier in there because I've had people tell me that I look good naked... I just give them the stop trying to placate me look.
In the vein of working out...I wiggled my way into Burton and her big brothers weight loss challenge...have from a week ago to December to lose as much weight as I can.
My ideal goal is to be a very fit 170 to 175 pounds in the end.

I decided to 'Adult-up' (rather than man up) and used some funds that came in on fixing up my car rather than just blowing it on other shit.  I mean I did take the Boychild out for a breakfast just the two of us and splurged and bought a bunch of crap for our Borderlands 2 day and I bought dinner for Sugarbear and I. Other than that though...it mostly stayed in my account so that I could get the car fixed.
And today my car got her bum fixed. She no longer clunkclunks over bumps and potholes... her upper strut/shock mounts needed to be replaced. She sounds good now. There's a couple of other things that the lovely mechanic has said she needs but for now she is good, this makes me a happy camper. The brakes didn't need to be done like we had thought and it wasn't that the shocks and struts needed to be done...just the mounts. So we saved a bunch of money on all of that. The mount replacement even came in under the quoted price.

Ok so since I finally mentioned him in the last paragraph...here goes some rewinding in regards to Sugarbear (SB).
In March he lost both matriarchal and patriarchal figures of his family. However things had been over with us before that... we had gotten to this boyfriend/girlfriend point of our relationship and it seemed unwanted after the new year. Couple of fights in February where he told me straight out that I was nothing but a 'fling and a fuck' and that there was no fucking way that I would ever be meeting his children and that he would never ever love me.
Thinking (and maybe hoping) that it was because of the stress he was under with his parents both being ill and not seeming to find any resolution to his mothers illness.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt but pretty much was like ok no more exclusivity since I am not wanted in the capacity I was being put into.
We continued to stay in touch while he drove back and forth to St Catharines, Sudbury, and Angus. I would tell him that I love him, accidentally one day on the phone he said it back, he then got flustered and just hung up quickly after saying bye. I knew he meant nothing by it though, it was out of habit from all the family he had been talking on the phone, no doubt.
After the passing of his mum I tried to be there for him for whatever it was he needed. He even reached out the day his father passed and sent me a few messages asking me to call him, when I did that's when I found out about his dad.
(I was very confused as to why he didn't just send me a message to tell me about his passing like he had with his mum, but I wasn't about to question him about that especially not on the phone. I've since had a friend tell me that I may have become a touchstone for SB. Possible but he is such a hard man to figure out at times.)
When he had taken a week at home I had grown concerned about his well being (obviously!) especially when I found out that he hadn't been eating properly, was drunk in the middle of the day and not sleeping more then a few minutes to an hour at any given time.
And it was just before his birthday...
He didn't take to kindly to my trying to be helpful or supportive... at the end of the week he lashed out and yelled at me for doing the dishes, for buying him a birthday present, insinuated that I was untrustworthy and demanded his house key back.
I understand lashing out in anger (especially whilst grieving). What I think hurt the most from that encounter on the 28th of March was the insinuation that I was some how untrustworthy, a sneak or that I would some how damage his house.
I got it that he doesn't love me, I got that he doesn't want to 'be with me', I got that he needed time to himself to adjust to having to now take care of everything and everyone in his family, I even got that when hurting sometimes some people don't want anyone around them for awhile..what I didn't get was how he could accuse me of being untrustworthy, I never gave him any cause to think I would do anything untoward. I was hurt and confused and angry (oh so very angry) that someone that I trusted with all of me would think so little of me.

After that happened I had asked him if he could put out on his front porch the presents for the Boychild that I had been hiding at his place, he did...he also bagged up all the stuff I had in his bathroom (he use to let me take baths at his place to help my joints and back after derby and even when I was working last season because I don't have a tub that works properly). I'm not sure why that hurt so bad but it did, it seemed like he didn't want me in his life anymore. I was so very sad.

I didn't see him again until almost mid May... I let him know that I had missed him as my friend. I missed hanging out with him on the deck and listening to tunes. Yeah sure I missed the awesome sex as well but I really missed talking with him. His response was just a very quiet 'I just said I needed some time and space.' which I found interesting since he had been telling our friends that 'it's over' with the two of us. Which wasn't false, just he was a bit behind when I had been telling others that already. I wasn't confused about whether or not we were still 'together', I had been confused as to which level of friendship we would be at now (at that point).
The one year from our first date was like the celebration of a great year we had had together and the end of it.
The universe then said 'oh yeah you guys had a great time quietly hanging out together, having all kinds of awesome sex, fun times, and parties for the last year...well try this on for size now.'

I will always have love in my heart for Sugarbear, as I do with all my friends.However, he called me untrustworthy, creepy, unlovable, and nothing but a 'fling and a fuck'. Even in your darkest hour you don't shit on your loved ones like that.

It's in that moment that every you're amazing, awesome, beautiful, great, sexy and so forth is just wiped away in one foul swoop.
I once asked him while laying in bed together how he knew that I loved him, his answer was 'Because you put up with all of my shit.'
It's been quite a journey for our friendship this past 7 months. I'm very happy to report that we've been hanging out again, have had a few meals together. Gone to a few derby games together, he came to see my games this past season. It is still mainly one sided, as in I'm the one that does all the texting and inviting but...at least it's something. He is my favourite after all.

There's some people I will just keep trying with. As can be seen with Sugarbear and Bing.
There comes a time where with some I will just shrug and say I tried. I'm getting to that point with Baker. Seems I was a great person to talk to, hang out with and sometimes fuck, as long as he didn't have an online girlfriend. Suddenly he gets an online girlfriend and doesn't have time for friends like me anymore. I can't be cheeky with him anymore, or joke with him, or even go out on a movie date with him and his boychild because god forbid he might be away from his phone (or she'll be thinking that he's on a date!!).
Proved it again at sushi dinner with Burton when he spent more time on his phone, and I felt I couldn't talk to him because he had his dumb bluetooth earpiece in his ear all during the dinner.
I hope he and his online insecure girlfriend are very happy and have many virtual babies together. Yes. I am bitter.
I have very few people that I allow that close to me and feel like I've been duped when one of them just drops me like a hot stone.
Again...another time that every you're amazing, awesome, understanding, magical and one of my most trusted friends, is all just wiped away in one foul swoop.

Bing is getting married. I'm waiting for my invitation to come in the mail. I think when it comes I'll invite my sexy ass wife to go with me. Sounds like it could be lots of fun.

Amazing.... Awesome... Sexy... Incredible... Magical... Goddess-like... Unique... Fantastic... Fabulous... those are some of the words that men have used to describe me... Delicious... Divine... Tight... Drenched... Soaking... Warm... Out of this World... these some of the words (with the first set as well) that have been used by men to describe my pussy... welcome to the TMI and more graphic portion to the post...

I've had lip service from many a men...and that's not a euphemism... many have told me that I'm 'fucking amazing' when it comes to the bedroom sexxors and all the playing that goes with it...

So... why the fuck is it that I cannot get laid when I want and by whom it is I want?

Half the time I feel like I have to convince, persuade, or talk someone into having sex with me. My expectations too high...my views too narrow... my libido just so high?

For a year I was getting laid nearly 6 to 8 times per weekend..and oh my god that was the best ever...so much fun...and was so satisfying...
Now I'm getting laid on average about once a week. I'm really sexually frustrated half the time and most likely bugging the fuck out of my favourite boy with the requests for sex... the others have gone... mother issues... one lives with his mother and son (and a gf - but she's not in the house) and another just had to move his mother into his house...

Don't understand what the problem is... a woman who is apparently awesome and amazing in the sack wants to suck and fuck your cock on a regular basis with no relationship strings attached...how is this a bad thing?

*shrugs*
Maybe I'm too demanding.

Other than my extremely high libido I think I'm fairly low maintenance... I definitely don't spend $200 a week on fucking salon visits...lmao

and on that note...

I want some ice cream.

Back to Measuring

Well been a month since starting back at the gym...and I've gone back to measuring...

Ankles L- 9.5 (same) R- 9 (same)

Calves L- 16.5 (+0.25) R- 16.5 (same)

Thighs L- 25.5 (-0.75) R- 26.5 (-0.5)

Wrists L- 6.5 (same) R- 6.25 (-0.25)

Forearms L- 10.5 (same) R- 11 (-0.75)

Biceps L- 14.5 (-0.25) R- 14 (-0.5)

Hips 45.5 (-2)

Belly 43.5 (-0.75)

Waist 37 (same)

Under Bust 37 (+0.5)

Over Bust 44 (same)

Neck 15 (+0.5)

201.5 lbs (-3.3lbs)

Family

Sometimes it's just about having someone there, just some company, someone you can lean on in times of trouble, in times of heartache, in times of darkness.

When the cloud of darkness shades your day it's nice to have the one person who can bring a bit of brightness to your moment.

There's quite a bit of darkness that will shade me some days and very few that will bring me the brightness.

It's too bad that they don't understand what they do for me.

It's my first Fathers Day without Al. It's a bit weird of me to think of that. He and my mum had only been together for a decade. He and I weren't exactly close, but really for that decade he was there for me when my own father was off doing who knows what, with who knows who...

Biff, even though I didn't see him often was like a father...grandfather... I loved sitting and talking with him. He was genuinely interested in what was happening in my life and knew immediately when I was bullshitting just for the sake of being polite, and he would call me on it as well. Then tell me to tell him the truth. He made the time for me.

Was hoping for a bright spot in my shade...was hoping to be a bright spot in someone elses shade...

I will not pretend to know what it's like to not have my father on fathers day... I haven't had mine for quite a few.
And I've lost some of my favourite father figures.

I'm tired of Hallmark holidays getting me down.
Must try to not let them get to me anymore.

Rest In Peace to our Forefathers.

Post Beaver Bash

I'm not dead... :)

I thoroughly enjoyed Fridays game...a lot more then most games I've played in.
I was on team Gayme Changers (the other team was Wheels of Equality...bit rubbish name but enh). I  was absolutely fucking tickled pink to find out that I was going to be on the same team as Fraxxure. She gives me lady boners in my derby shorts.

I was nervous as hell. Like genuinely scared. I don't tend to tell too many people those sorts of things especially when it's happening. Too vulnerable.

There was really only two people that I let on to that I was scared. SB and Bing.

SB had told me a couple weeks beforehand that he wouldn't be coming to the game. Saw him the night before and got a really nice massage from him after having some pho together. It helped calm my nerves a bit. He never really does the 'you can do it' sort of bit...but doesn't tell me I can't either...lol
I messaged him in the late morning while he was at work (figuring he'd get the msg later) just telling him how I was really bloody nervous.
Long and short of it...he ends up telling me he's gonna go...and then even offered to drive (does  have a spiffy lil car now...) colour me surprised. It was really nice of him. Even now it still calms my nerves to see him trackside. Friendly face and all, especially when most of my friends play or volunteer.

Before I knew SB was coming I ended up talking to Bing on the phone... it's been nearly 3 years since we've spoken on the phone.
It was a bit like old times...ended up telling him how bloody scared I was of the game later that evening.
He calmed me down by doing his whole 'this isn't anything you haven't done before' talk...which was sweet.

My aunt and uncle didn't make it to the game unfortunately...all the traffic that my waze app got us around on our way up...they hit. So they ended up turning around.

The game was great fun. The halftime drag show was awful...the girls needed better lessons in makeup and needed to learn their songs better. Hopefully with some more practice they'll be better.

The car ride was even fun with 3 of my favourite dudes...

However there's something I'm noticing... I'm incredibly horny for a couple of days after playing in a game.

Something that I didn't really have a problem with last season...this season though... having a harder time scratching that particular itch.
It's been annoying and slightly frustrating.

Going to have to find an after bouts bloke apparently.

Oh well... next game is this coming Saturday... first home game with my brand new team. Should be fun.

All The Derby!

Practices, scrimmages, and games...oh my!

There's also team meetings, league meetings and committee meetings...oh joy.

This week is yet another derby filled week...

Mondays I'm running an NSO training clinics each week to teach volunteers the non-skating official positions...
Tuesdays I have practice.
Wednesday (this week) I have a Team Meeting
Thursday is practice/scrimmage night
Friday...oooo Friday I have a game in Kitchener.

Other weeks I'll have a league meeting or a committee meetings on a Wednesday.

I am in desperate need of a massage...so...something may have to give this week so that I can barter to get one.

I love derby and it's been a saving grace in my life...from Bing to SB...to dealing with all the deaths...to just staying active...
Sometimes it just starts to take over my life...and I'm thinking it might just take over my June...

If I get a spot in all the games that I've put my name in for I'd be playing on the 5th, 13th, 20th, 25th, and 27th...

So far 5th is confirmed...13th and 27th are my home team games...20th would be an away home team game in Ajax/Durham and the 25th would be a pick up game in Toronto...

I'm really excited.

I also think I'm a bit crazy.

Glad Pinky is taking me to the gym every week day...gotta get this mass into some shape...

Also need to find somewhere to get some rest and relaxation...

Sexual Attraction...Twice?

When I was younger I met a guy...that'll be his name for this post...Guy.

Guy and I met in grade 7 and we clicked. We would hang out at recess and lunch times. In grade 8  we just always wanted to be around each other.

I had no idea what this strange pull was, I would just always want to be around him. I had a boyfriend at the time and he didn't get along with Guy but he went to a different school. I would want to tell Guy about my day and would want to hug him when I saw him, we'd talk a long time on the phone.

Then I graduated and went to the high school that was closer to my house and I didn't get to see Guy as much because he was across town. Which in those days may as well been in another city altogether.

In grade 10, I had some issues. I ended up in a 12 step program. I showed up all nervous to this Alateen meeting and there he was. Guy saw me and his face lit up and he practically pounced on me, and I on him.

We hadn't really ever dated, never had sex...but we had made out a few times. It was more about the just wanting to be near him.

So I was way more willing to go to these meetings on a weekly basis, moreso because he was there. He was there for another reason, his was a family issue not his own.

We stood there hugging for what felt like forever, not saying a word. The person heading up the meetings told us that we could go in another room to catch up. So we did...

We walked into the other room, closed the door and looked at each other for a moment before we just hugged again and started kissing.

I hadn't felt so relaxed in a long time.

We lost touch again after a couple of years. Found each other again via the webs. Haven't had a chance to meet up in person before losing touch again.

He had been the only person  in my life that I could quickly forgive, sit comfortably in absolute silence with, felt a draw to be near him, wanted to be touching him when near him, could be silly with or completely serious with, cuddle for hours with...
Until recently I thought he was the only one I would feel that way with...

That changed. The situation is different this time though insofar as I think it's completely one sided.

I'm the one who feels this draw to this guy, that when we're together I want to be touching him, that I feel like I can just sit in silence with him or we could talk about anything...

It's a bit more adult too insofar as I really want to rip his clothes off every time I see him. I felt that way with Guy too, even though it never happened, but I just put it off to teenage hormones.
However with it happening with this other guy now too, it makes me wonder.

I don't know what to do about it.

Doubt he would enjoy me just ripping his clothes off each time I see him.

Because as much as guys say they want the chick from the porns...I think sexually aggressive women actually scare them.

Oh well.

The Levels Of Friendship

Yeah strange title but over the last couple of weeks I've talked to a few people about this particular subject and figured what the fuck might as well put it down and post it somewhere.

It's weird to think that there's different levels to friendships...or friends really and where you place them...and maybe it is, whether we all realize we do it is a different matter completely...

I've been aware for a long time and try to keep people in the spots I choose for them, sometimes that doesn't quite work and someone will slip up... I'm alright with most people slipping down the levels.

If I've grown attached to someone as a friend then I do try very hard to keep things right with us so that I may keep them in my life and that may seem selfish but...eh... inherently we're generally selfish creatures.

Passerbys - These are the people that you know from 'somewhere' that when you pass by you stop and do all the small talk pleasantries at say a grocery store. You ask about their life and they never reveal anything which is good because you didn't really care to know. You also don't share with them, generally answering the question 'What's new?' with "Nothing." Meanwhile you've experienced so much in life since the last time you did this with them. You both talk of getting together sometime, but you know it will never happen.

Friends Friends - These people are invited to outings by another friend, because you know them but you don't think of them as really a friend, even though you'll talk with them while out. When planning an outing with friends you don't really think of these people, but say yes when your other friend asks if they can come.

Booty Calls - These people... well...lol These people can be fun. However, they are usually a last moment thought in the haze of horniness or lustiness. They are that late night text saying 'Whatcha doing?' You don't make plans with these people unless those plans just consist of walking through the front door, stripping off your clothes fucking and sucking for as long as you want, getting dressed and walking out again. Fun to be had, but no real personal connection. Simply put, two consenting adults who want to use each others bodies to get off.

Friends - These people you'll text them every so often just to see how they're doing, catch up with life every once in awhile. Maybe get together for a dinner or go out to a bar to have a night of fun. They are a friend but you're still a bit guarded and don't tell them much about your chewy gooey creamy filling.

Close Friends - These are few and far between (well for me). They are that close knit group of people that you text with on a regular basis. You drop in on them just to see what's up. Help yourself to their fridge to get your own drink, inside of waiting for them to ask. You reveal problems in your life, ask for advice. You seek their company when you're feeling down. You want to share all your happy news with them. You get together for dinner, go on outings (movies, beach, camping, etc.) Share hopes, dreams, fears. Are there for them in whatever they need. Love them and consider them family.

Friends With Benefits - See Above for Close Friends + Fucking. lmao

Moving from one to the other could take some getting use to during the transition. Generally though I'm comfortable with going from one to the other.

I do have some rules that are new for FwB and Booty Calls... I've come to realize that these are needed unfortunately or people start misconstruing what is what... I'd like to prevent that from happening again.

1. No Sleepovers, unless Breakfast and/or Morning Sex is guaranteed.
2. No seeing each other more then twice a week. (For FwB it could be more but as long as hanging out for other reasons besides just sex.)
3. (For some of my FwB and BCs I've implemented...) No Kissing. (There's one especially that I just can't follow this with...it's just too awesome...)
4. I will be honest, blunt and upfront with you about what I want and need. Do the same.

What can I say I'm a sexually active woman, with an extremely healthy appetite for sex. I want sex and am not ashamed of it, and if I want it with you, I will tell you...especially if I think the feeling might be mutual...
If it's not mutual then one just has to say the word and I won't ask again. It won't be the end of my world...lol


So yeah...these are my levels of friendship for people...feel free to ask where you are in that list...

Me and Fitness...boring.

Pinky asked me if I would be his gym buddy when he got a membership at a local gym. We started back last Wednesday. We weighed ourselves and I was not happy. I had gained back 32 lbs of the 70, I had lost. So I was disappointed in myself.

Today being Monday and the first day of the first full week, so I suggested we weigh ourselves. Since last Wednesday I apparently lost 2.5lbs. 

We've decided on our schedule and have it so it doesn't cause issues with my derby practices. He's been here at 6:30 am to pick me up.

Mondays will be leg days...where we focus on our lower halves but also do core and abs

Tuesdays will be arms and upper body...also including core and abs

Wednesdays will be all cardio...and core and abs

Thursdays will be arms and upper body again...and core and abs

Fridays will be leg days...including core and abs

We're starting each day with at least 15 mins on the treadmill and finishing up with 10 to 15 minutes on the treadmill.

So...I'm going to not only do the weigh ins but will likely go back to measuring as well just so I can get a good feel for how I'm progressing.

So when I started last Wednesday I weighed in at 203.7 lbs... *big huge sigh* on Monday I weighed in at 201.2 lbs.

We're going to weigh in once a week, likely on Mondays, but I'll only do measurements once a month.

I was pleasantly surprised when Pinky asked me to go to the gym with him. We haven't really hung out too much lately and I had been missing him so it's nice to get to see him everyday for a couple of hours.

So here I go again with measurements...starting over.

Ankles L 9.5 R 9

Calves L 16.25 R  16.5

Thighs L 26.25 R 27

Wrists L 6.5 R 6.5

Forearms L 10.5 R 10.75

Biceps L 14.25 R 14.5

Hips 47.5

Belly 44.25

Waist 37

Under Bust 36.5

Over Bust 44

Neck 14.5

Total weight 201.2

New Toys

When you get a new toy you should check for sharp edges...parts that pinch...and or make sure it's not defected in some way before playing with that toy...
*insert tongue into cheek*

#DeckDays

Yesterday it was a beautiful day outside, 22 degrees (like 85F) and I put on the first summer dress of the season and went out and get some pho for dinner.

As I got ready to go to pick up some pho for my dinner, the breeze picked up just slightly and it felt really nice, and reminded me of summertime weekends on the deck. #deckdays

I was reminded and had quick flashes of memories from last year... SB and the day that The Man and PenalizeHer came over to help dig the holes needed for the deck posts...

Another day where I was sitting in a chair 'supervising' (lol) while SB and The Man were working on the deck... Another time where I was actually trying to help measure stuff... 

I remember being so nervous...He was so excited and happy to be 'finally building his deck' and I couldn't help but watch him and smile while he worked...whether he was by himself or someone was there helping... he looked so in his element and so skilled... doing everything so spot on and so quickly... I couldn't help but be so impressed by him... asking him questions...wanting to pick his brain to learn anything I could... then apologizing for asking so many questions... but having so many more I wanted to ask...

I didn't want to screw up when he did ask for a hand with something... I think mostly because I didn't want to seem useless... or have him upset with me

Oh his face though when he was done just the most basic part of the deck... the grin and the sense of happiness and accomplishment radiated...

I couldn't believe how quickly it all happened...

Then there was talks of a pergola and showing me a rough plan for benches that he thought of while at work and how he was going to make those...and he seemed excited to show them to me to help me visualize his idea...

The pergola was done in a weekend and it looked great...providing a sense of privacy  but also housing the BBQ...

Which we had been using a lot...that man knows his way around a grill... lol

Cold beers and ciders were had and good food was eaten...and we didn't much care what was happening in the rest of the world...

Those were some good deck building weekends...

 Thought I'd share a happy memory... before mentioning...yet another death in my family. My dads cousin just passed...another cancer victim in the family. :(

10.

Yep up to 10 since last September.
Rest in peace Randy.

And people wonder why I dwell on good memories, take lots of pictures and try to see the positive in even the darkest of times...

Life is too short for anger, misunderstandings and hate... Life should be lived to the fullest to make you the happiest you can be in this short time that we're here on this ball of dirt...

Love hard and love often...

Outsiders are Dangerous.

I had an interesting conversation the other day with Martin (boarder staying with us). We were discussing relationships and the biggest issue that will ever come up and the biggestthing that will cause hardships in any relationship.

A relationship is any sort of connection between two people who know each other. Mother and son, son and father, boyfriend and girlfriend, lovers, room mates, even casual acquaintances...

The biggest thing to come between two people, to put doubts in their minds, to make them think twice about the other person, to make them wonder by placing thoughts in their minds... People.

Other people that aren't in the relationship. Perhaps out of jealousy...usually out of some sort of selfishly motivated jealousy.

There are genuine people out there that do actually hope for your happiness...they may even believe that them saying things about the other person is for that persons 'own good'.

What they don't realize is people are selfishly motivated...even if they don't realize it.

Sisters telling brothers that they're choice in friends is questionable. Sons telling mothers that their new boyfriend is a doofus. Best friends telling each other that their choice of significant other is sketchy. Daughters telling fathers that they don't feel right about his new girlfriend.

He said, She said games should never be played.

This is why I'm an advocate for open and honest communication with those whom you deem important in your life.

I have surprised friends with how frank I can be with them. Some people it has offended and turned them on their ear, those that stayed have been the ones that have told me that they appreciate my honesty, even if sometimes can be brutal. And they've even found it somewhat refreshing...lol

Other peoples opinions should never influence your opinion of someone else. Be an adult and form your own judgements and opinions about those you let into your life. Get to know them for who they are and how they make you feel and how they are to you.

Especially if outside people are offering you their insights without your asking them for the opinion.

The only way to cultivate true and meaningful relationships with everybody...is honest interactions.

Not just honest as in lying. Honest as in being true to who you are with others. Take the time to listen, truly listen, when they are talking to you. 

Always believing that people have nefarious motives or aren't being honest, is paranoid and self harming. You will end up with no real true friends, that is a tragedy.

Oh Beaver Fever...

Oh holy shit...

I woke up yesterday to The Man walking into my room telling me that I've been selected to play in the co-ed scrimmage at the Beaver Fever tournament in Waterloo/Kitchener on May 9th.

I was barely awake...could barely open my eyes to see anything as I tried to pick up my phone.

As I lay there in  my bed yawning my face off and trying to wake up and look at my phone with one eye open and one closed.

Sure as shit...there's a lineup change on team Cubs. I had been on the wait list for the last two months and now suddenly I was listed to play.

Because I hadn't heard anything back yet I had put myself as 'not going' to the tournament only a day or two previous.

Well....shit.

Now I was awake and thinking about how the hell I was going to get there and how the hell was I going to find the money to pay for the scrimmage...not once has the thought of 'you can't afford this and you don't have a ride' popped into my head.

So much for the whole 'meh I have a month at least until I play another game...it'll give my knee a rest...'

Open scrimmage...skaters of every level...beginner to veterans...co-ed... Cubs vs Cougars

Beaver Fever here I come.

Flint

Even when you know it's coming Death is never easy.

The world just lost one of bravest, and most compassionate men I have ever been honoured enough to call my friend.

I had known Flint for 15 years. In the last few I didn't see him a whole lot but when I did, we would just pick up where we left off.

He was one of the most caring of men, soft spoken but played one of the biggest hand drums.

He taught me a couple of rhythms and was so patient with me when I would get frustrated that I wasn't quite getting it. He would just smile and chuckle at me, saying 'just keep at it and feel the beat'.

It makes me so very sad that he is gone. That there are so many who will never experience Flint's kind and calming nature.

I hope nothing but good memories for all that knew him.

Not Holding My Breath

I was really angry...no wait...trying to practice precision of language...
I was disappointed, and my feelings were hurt, when I had found out on Sunday that I had been forgotten about again.

Most everyone in my close circle of friends know that I've had a bitch of a time this year (again) trying and training my ass off so that I could pass my minimums testing to play derby again this season. Trials and tribulations...and so forth. Among those who knew what a hard time I was having is my mother and my sister.

Thankfully the Tuesday before the big day I had shown enough improvement in my time for my laps that I  was allowed through. I got 24 and a half...was reaching for 25.
However, I digress.

So I find out I'm playing in the second game. I tell my friends and family.

My mother tells me she'll be there...even up until the night before.

Saturday comes and I'm working the penalty box for the first game. I see Baker show up... I see my aunt and uncle show up...
Second game comes around...that's it. Just Baker and my aunt and uncle. Can't see my Sister or Mother anywhere. I keep checking my phone... I gear up and play the first half... I check my phone again... nothing... no calls... no messages... nothing.
I go play the second half...having the time of my life but still in the back of my mind thinking 'where the heck are they...'

I am a mum...so I go back and forth between worry, disappointment, anger...etc.

I send my mum a text when I get to the bar...asking wtf... not quite like that...but...

No response.

I wake up the next morning... I'm fucking sore... I'm really happy... my team won by 2 points...it was a great game...

Then I check my phone.

I had gotten a message from my mum.

I'm sorry we didn't make it to your game. We were decorating Manchilds bedroom and lost track of time. We didn't even eat dinner until 8:30p and that's when I realized I was suppose to be in St Catharines.
Did your team win?

I lost it. It angered me so much to have been forgotten.

I've mentioned it before here on my blog about my childhood and growing up. All my life they would forget about me.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm overly considerate and compassionate at times because of their inconsideration.

Hell my dad didn't even acknowledge that I had game or make any mention of possibly coming. He doesn't let me down, because he never raises my expectations.

Last season... they all made it to 1 game... out of 4.

The man (SB) I was fucking had been more supportive last season then my own parents.

I would have said family there but...my Aunt and Uncle made it out to 3 of my 4 games together...and my uncle came out to the 4th one by himself.

This is why I gather close friends and then consider them family, and have trust issues...lol

Anyway...here's to hoping I might get a couple more friends out willing to watch some derby.