Tuesday, January 27, 2015

...

I'm scared.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Burn or Save

Some days I want to watch the world burn...

Some days I want to save the world...

Yep extremes.

I'm sitting here crying and angry at the country I live in.
Today I don't want to save the world...but I would like to save my country... I just wish I knew how...

The Northern Food Crisis should NOT be happening.

Bless this woman...I want to be able to do something too... I just don't know what I could possibly do.


Friday, January 23, 2015

I'm a skittish turtle.

I don't think I could say it enough...but I do tire of saying it to everyone...all the time.

COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO MAKING A RELATIONSHIP WORK.

It truly is. If everyone feels heard and understood by those they  are trying to communicate with, then there is less frustrations, less hurt feelings, less miscommunications, less misunderstandings...etc.
You feel up to date on the other person. Whether it's  about the huge stuff like feelings and thoughts or just being considerate to communicate that you're going to be late.

Some think that robs them of their privacy. I don't believe so. If anything if you communicate that you need time then someone won't feel ignored or rejected by your sudden silence. They'll understand and give you that time.

Everyone has a lot on their proverbial plates these days. Between caring for children, adult children coming home, caring for parents, let alone trying to maintain your relationship with another person as well as of course trying to keep up with yourself...add ontop of that all those issues those relationships bring with them...in laws, teachers, physicians, friends, siblings...etc
Our plates get pretty overflowing at times.

These are the times that we want to cover our ears and holler for everyone else to just shut the fuck up so that we can take a fucking second to just breathe.

Instead of blowing your top or withdrawing into yourself...communicate.

Tell people what you need without cliches or analogies...

Especially people whom are close, loved ones, they want to still feel special. Even if they can't help. The worst feeling in the world is feeling rejected.

Communication is so important. It says 'I respect you and you're important enough to me and I value our relationship (whatever the relationship form is) enough to tell you what I need. I trust you enough to understand what I'm saying.'

Talking is so hard. Why?
We fear we will be rejected. We fear that the other person won't want to be around us anymore.

We want to be respected.

Have you ever tried to tell a story or anecdote to someone and suddenly they cut you off and start telling you something similar or even worse say something completely off topic?

Do you cut people off?

If you do... look at that persons face when you cut them off. Really look at it. You'll see a small part of them curl up and look rejected. There will be a small moment of sadness before they look annoyed or frustrated or brush it off.

Cutting someone off while they are trying to communicate with you is a sure fire way to let them know that what they have to say isn't important to you and also a really good way of letting them know you don't respect them.

I've been told that I hold others to a high standard of  expectation.
I didn't think I did.
I expect consideration, thoughtfulness, respect and to treat me as an equal and loyalty.

I didn't think that was too much.

Example...if plans are going to change, let me know, as soon as possible...is a great example of this. So many times nowadays where people don't show for plans and then two days later you'll get an 'oh yeah my bad'.

Bing once told me that I need to stop expecting people to love me like I love them and to just let them love me in their  own way.
I'm glad he communicated that to me. I've been trying so hard to work on that.

My issue seems to be that I am an intense, tender hearted, romantic who is so fragile on the inside. I crack and break at the slightest thing.
When I love you it's wholly and completely and it can take me to the highest of highs and drop me to the lowest of lows.

I try very hard to  maintain on the outside that everything is completely fine. But my brain will be screaming at me that I'm hated, good for nothing,  that the reason plans got changed or that I wasn't included is because people are ashamed of me, they don't want to be seen with me, that they're tired of me.

It's something I've wrestled with for a long time.

When I love you I just want to be near to you. I want to be dear to you. I want to be thought about. I want to be missed. I want to be important to you. I want to be someone you're proud to be with.
I want to be someone that you would want to introduce to your mum.

I had some abusive relationships in my past and I try really hard to not let those define who I am but they aren't kidding when they say it's tough.

I've used sex as a gauge of who I can trust with my innermost secrets. I've used it to gauge how  things are in my relationships.

I'm that woman in the movies who just needs you to grab her, kiss her hard, hug her close and fuck her.

It's how I know I'm ok.

I revealed one of my most horrific secrets to Sugarbear last week in the dark of the bedroom. I opened a vein, figuratively, letting him in closer then he had been. I was met with silence. I started to panic...had that been the right thing to expose to him...should I have said it then...will he hate me  and reject me now...will he think less of me...my brain just started screaming and tears started streaming...'what the fuck did you do?! that was stupid!! don't let anyone in that far!'...
I rolled over while apologizing and telling him I'd let him go to sleep.
The silence was deafening in my head. It took everything I had to keep from crying. I had made a mistake. The tears snuck out. The silence...

He rolled over and curled up behind me and went to sleep.

'I don't talk about my feelings or emotions. People use those against you.'
Why do I fall in love with emotionally shut off men. I mean I quite obviously have a type. That would be it apparently.
Squasha. Bing. Sugarbear.

Sugarbear isn't here this weekend. It wasn't a planned trip up north. So very last minute.

Sure I was upset that he went, I get so little time with him as it is already so I cherish and look forward to our weekends together. I get that he needs to be there for his family, especially his mother. I wouldn't love him so much if he wasn't such a great guy. So missing a weekend with him wasn't what caused my semi meltdown today. Nah it wasn't even a meltdown. It was my unexpected rollercoaster of thoughts and feelings...

Why didn't he text or message or call me to let me know personally that he was going north instead of south?
Why did I have to find out via a facebook status? Am I not worthy of some personal message...possibly apologizing that it was short notice and that he wouldn't be home?
Or even a 'Hey I'm heading up north again for the weekend, want to come with me, I'll wait for you to get here and we'll go.'
Why did I have to find out as I was walking  out the door to head to his house, instead of right after he was asked to go there instead?

Because he didn't think of me...
Because I'm not important...
Because he doesn't love me...
Because he's ashamed of me and doesn't want me to visit his family...
Because he was too busy for you...
Because he didn't want to wait for you...
Because he doesn't want you...
Because he doesn't want you after last weekend...
Because...because...because...

My brain can come up with all sorts of things.

Communication is important because my brain is so hurtful...and it has me being rejected by everyone...over everything...

It had taken me all week to psych myself up enough to want to broach a topic with him...I was going to talk to him about it this weekend...

It bruised my heart.

I'm like a skittish turtle... it takes everything I have to poke my head out... then when I see (experience) a set back I just retract my head back in and start all over again with the psyching myself up to poke my head back out again.

Communication. Clear honest and open communication is key.
Then I can tell my brain to shut up. I can replay the conversation to keep my brain quiet.

And now that I just opened a vein again...I need some kleenex.

OCEAN traits for Me.

Just gonna leave that right there...

Friday, January 09, 2015

When it Rains it Pours...

I was so happy that Sugarbear was coming home today...

I sent him my normal Good Morning message when I was headed to bed at twenty after five this morning ... and got a message back at 6ish telling me that his mum had a bad night and that he may not be home...

A bit later I saw that he was in Muskoka and asking for prayers for his family... and when I sent him a message asking what was happening... I got a phone call back from him, the hospital suggested that it would be a good time for them to gather the family... he was on the highway and he would call me when he got to Sudbury...

After hanging up the phone I just cried... and cried... and The Man came in and around the tears I tried to explain to him what was happening...

Suddenly plans are being put into place... and an offer to get me up there came in...

I messaged SB back and told him that I had a way to get up to Sudbury, and asked him 'did you want me to come up?'...

Awkward...phone rang while I was sitting on the can...

I was thanked for the offer, told that he loved that I wanted to be there with him and for him, but that there would be lots of people there and lots on his plate and that I should just stay where I am for now...
Again said he'd call me when he got to Sudbury...
I told him I love him...

Then proceeded to pace around my house feeling absolutely fucking useless.

DD came over to discuss arrangements for getting me to Sudbury... I told him about the second call back...

While he was here we realized that my cell had been turned off... I was able to receive calls but that was it.

Well fuck... I guess phone companies get upset when you owe them money...
*see last nights comment about how much I love money*

I was upset by the thought of him not coming home...
Depressed by the thought of his mother being so ill of health and unable to be able to do anything for her or him... (trials and tribulations of being an empathic healer)
Angered by the thought of him possibly not being able to get a hold of me to let me know what's happening or if he just needs to vent or talk...

DD left with the comment to keep him updated as well and if I ended up needing/wanting/having permission to go up to let him know...


The other thing I was going to write about yesterday that I forgot to because of all the hubbub and it being so late at night...
I signed up for more online courses again... my first one started yesterday...and I just can't seem to get excited to do it right now...
The one that started yesterday... Introduction to Pharmacy...
so...yay?

*sighs and cries a little*

I want my Sugarbear to be happy and his mum to be healthy...
I want my wife to be here so I can get big hugs that last minutes and hours...
I want The Man to not have to put up with me pacing around the house upset and feeling useless...
I lurves them all.

I think I should have gotten more then an hour and a half of sleep.

Whirlwind...

Well...Hello 2015...

Is it really January again already...??

It's felt like the year flew by...even though this past week feels like it just slithered by slower then molasses in a polar vortex...

Segue...so apparently there's another polar vortex coming... but climate change isn't happening right...?

But enough about the weather...

I'm stressed.

I hate being stressed...it affects my eating... my sleeping...my health...my libido...

The Man wants to move. I do and I don't want to move... I just wish that this particular house was in better shape so that the bills would be lower and the house more liveable. And because they haven't done anything about maintaining the house while we've been living here the last 7 years I know that it won't change, that would be the reason that I do want to move.

I just really fucking hate packing, giving notice, trying to find a new place, and starting this all over again. I dislike changing landlords, not because I like this set, but because I hate having to get used to new people governing over the place I live.
I've had so many different landlords and only one or two of them have been understanding and bearable. Understanding in the aspect of letting me possibly change paint colours in the house, and being able to put up pictures without worry of them hounding me that there's 'holes' in the walls. Bearable as in not showing up on the 1st of the month at 8am knocking on my door, but then again not making me have to call you on the 6th of the month saying 'um hello? are you going to come pick this up or what?'

The Man keeps talking about buying a house...um...what? - we have no money saved... we live cheque to cheque to cheque... barely making ends meet as it is... how the fuck does he even figure that we would ever be able to purchase a house...?!

And where the hell are we going to get the money to cover moving costs...??

I also don't want to have to think about this shit in the middle of winter.

I've said it before and I'll say it again... I hate money. It's the one thing that makes me depressed the quickest.

I had been trying to decide if I wanted to stay in derby with my league or going with another league.. It looks like I won't be able to continue derby with any league. It makes my heart sad, I love skating but haven't been able to pay my dues for last month, purchase the required insurance and now it's nearly time to start paying dues again for the month of January... and I just don't have the 110$ to cover all of that.

Had to come up with a deposit for the Boychilds end of the year school trip on top of all the stuff for Christmas...very little warning...that was 50$... and they want another 50$ for a payment for January as well... so there goes my dues.

The Man applied for a job the other day. I'm hoping that he gets it. During the summer when I was working on the farm it was nice to be able to have a tiny bit of a money at all times. Just before the Holidays DD and I went to one of the sex shops in town and I'm seriously considering giving them a copy of my CV... seriously is there any other job more fitting for me... I would get to tell people to fuck themselves, how to do it and what to do with it...

The holidays were ok...started off great which I posted about in the last post...then went a tiny bit sideways last week...

Sugarbear went up north to visit his family from the 23rd to the 28th... he had been talking about possibly coming home for the evening of the 29th... I found out while he was up  there that he wasn't feeling well which made me feel bad because I likely gave him the cold that I was dealing with before Christmas...
So he sent me a text telling me that he had some not so great news which was he was asked to head to work for the 29th and the 30th...(he was supposed to have from the 23rd to the 5th off) so he let me know that he wouldn't be home until the afternoon of the 30th... (we were having people over to the house on the 31st for new years eve)... So he got home and we went out shopping for stuff for the next evening...went to see DD while he was at work for supper...and then went home...where he fell asleep on the couch...lol - I don't blame him he wasn't feeling well. Went to bed and woke up the next day...had to go out and pick up a few last minute things we didn't grab the night before... and then the chopping started... New Years Eve Fondue was had again...(this time at Sugarbears house), we had Pinky, Femme, DD, Pegleg, The Man, Boychild and of course the two of us at the house.

Like always, I worried about not having enough food...



Don't think I needed to worry... (had all of that and then of course the others brought some as well)

So when we got back to the house we made a late lunch and then I got to chopping and he got to napping...lol
It didn't bother me...again he still wasn't feeling well and we knew we'd be up late...normal for me...not so normal for him.

He ended up waking up and helping me out with cutting up stuff for the fondue after he napped anyway so it was all good.
Which was good...was able to sneak in one last romp before ringing in the new year...lol

So then we spent the evening fondue-ing and chatting and watching the Niagara Falls party on TV, rang in the new year and then headed downstairs to play some pool and horse around all drunk like...

took some drunken blurry pictures on the couch while the others played some pool...

The next "morning" (which was really like 2 or 3 in the afternoon) we got up and got dressed and headed down to Fort Erie to my aunts where The Man, Boychild, Sugarbear and I were going to play games and visit with my Aunt, Uncle, niece, mum, sis and Manchild...oh yeah gang was all there and they had all been messaging me most of the later morning asking where the hell I was... See I told them I'd likely be there just after noon...oops

We got there at 4.

While there after a few hours I got a text from Sugarbear (who was sitting two chairs from me) that his mum was back in the hospital...

So after a bit longer we ended up saying our goodbyes and headed back to the house. Where I asked about his mum...he fell asleep...after a couple of ours we went to bed...

The next morning...woken up by a text from my landlady asking about coming to get the rent...I thought the Man was home but apparently he was off with Ni-Kill ad TBone... so I was getting dressed to walk home so I could get a cheque together for the landlords.
SB woke up and ended up driving me over...I swear I think we were both still half asleep.

It wasn't long after that...that shit got real. He made the decision that he needed to go back to Sudbury so that with help of his family he could get his mother into a better hospital because she just wasn't getting the proper level of care that she required in the one she was at.

At first I asked him if he wanted me to go with him when I could see how frustrated he seemed to be and he didn't really say no or yes at that point about me joining him, just made some sort of mention that he may have to be there the whole weekend and then go straight to work in Barrie. Which sort of made me grin inside because after a year he hasn't seen just how resourceful I can be and me getting from Barrie to home was the least of the problems. I had that on lock before I even asked if he wanted me to go with him. I didn't press it though mainly because I thought he just didn't want me to go but didn't want to say no for fear of hurting my feelings or some such. As the day went on a bit more I didn't say too much because he was trying to ascertain the extent of the situation where his mum was concerned and dealing with stuff with his sister. He got more frustrated and then he got emotional... I wasn't expecting that...all I could do was hug him and tell him that I love him in the hopes that it helped a bit. After some dinner/really late lunch... I hugged on him again and told him I wanted to go with him. By this time I had a bag packed and already had plans in place to get home again from Barrie, and since the house was still a mess from NYE there had even been a suggestion of someone coming to clean it while we were gone.

He nodded. He nodded when I said I wanted to go with him and I wasn't sure if that was a nod of 'yes come with me' or if that was a nod of acknowledgement like 'yes I hear that you have offered that'.

I tidied up a bit of garbage and in the meantime he was getting all of his laundry done (that he had thought he still had a couple more days to do), and had been texting some more with his sister.

I didn't even realize that he had said anything to his sister about whether or not it would be ok if I came up with him until he suddenly tossed his phone onto the coffee table and said 'well it seems my sister doesn't think it's a good idea if you come with me...she pretty much said does she really want to be up here in the middle of all this shit...' I just nodded and said 'for you? yes'...

Needless to say... sister won out on that one since neither of us really had money for a hotel room (especially not after throwing a nye party) and he was going to be staying at her house.

I asked him if he had wanted me to go and he said yes...after realizing that I just meant had he wanted me to go...and not that I meant to defy his sister some how and take me with anyway...I just wanted to know if he wanted me with him. Oh English language...

I wasn't mad per se... I was disappointed and a bit sad. I wasn't going there to stick my nose in family business...I was going so that when he needed a hand to hold or a hug or a small smile and a quiet 'I love you' - I'd be there.

I told The Man that it felt like the universe was throwing a test at me that I wasn't allowed to take. His response was of course that I passed the test because I stepped up, wanted to go, and packed a bag. He said that was the test if there even was one at all. Which I felt a little confused by at first because of course I wanted to go...of course I packed a bag...who wouldn't??
Even if I didn't love him...I would want to be there for him. It just seemed a foreign concept to me that someone wouldn't offer...

So he left... at 6:30 in the evening... and I sat on the couch and cried. I knew he would text me when he got there before going to bed. He knows I worry. But I didn't want to just sit there for 5 hours on the couch...crying and worrying and watching the clock... I knew The Man was at TBone's house playing games.

I dislike asking for help...I dislike appearing to be weak or vulnerable...I dislike people truly seeing my anxiety issues...I dislike feeling useless...

I was surprised by my next action...

While sitting there with tears running down my face I sent DD a text...I told him Sugarbear was gone back up north and I was sitting on the couch crying. DD was there in approximately 30 mins. Followed by Pinky who had sent me a text message asking me if everything was ok.

DD was sick and stayed with me for a couple of hours...just talking and shooting the shit. He let me vent on him and let my anxiety out.  Then Pinky stayed with me until 4 am... we talked and watched a movie and played a couple of games and pretty much stayed until we were both exhausted.

I went downstairs to go to bed after he had left and still ended up reading until after 6am...

Of course I worry about Sugarbears' mama...and of course I understand family comes first...and of course I understand his sister not necessarily wanting me there in the midst of all of it...and of course I took care of things at home and cleaned up the house...and of course I sent messages asking for updates about his mum as well as of him and how he was doing...

But I'm not a saint...I am one of the most selfish people I know... there was a tiny part of me...ok well no part of me is tiny...but there was a part of me that wanted to look up to  the sky and yell.. Really?! Seriously?! We were suppose to get a week together... We were suppose to cuddle up on the couch from Friday to Sunday and not care about what happened in the outside world... He was supposed to be able to relax and get better on the second half of his vacation... not drive from Sudbury to Angus to St Catharines to Fort Erie to St Catharines to Sudbury to Manatoulin Island to Sudbury to Angus and then back home again...in one week...while sick and worried about his mother for half of that.

Oh yeah... I totally had a 'teenage, foot stomping the ground, yelling at the sky, crying out about how life isn't fair' moment...I held it all inside but man did I visualize the fuck out of that moment...

I just feel like we got robbed of time that we had been looking forward to that was just going to be ours...well I suppose I shouldn't say we...I know I was looking forward to it...I hope that he was...

I have been waiting with bated breath all week that he was going to say that he's coming home this weekend...I haven't wanted to ask (again)... (I asked on Monday but as he patiently pointed out on the phone while tiredly driving to Barrie...bit early to say...)
Broke down and finally asked last night because he hadn't said anything about it... I didn't realize how much it had been bothering me until he told me that yes he was coming home...I let out a huge breath and felt like a weight had been lifted...it was a bit odd... I didn't realize I had been that anxious about it.

It wouldn't have surprised me in the least if he had headed back up north for the weekend to check in on his mum again...and I wouldn't have faulted him for it...would have asked if I could go with this time...and found a way to Barrie...

I just know he's had a rough week and I just want to hug him and hold him and snuggle him and tell him how I think he's a good man and I love him. Hide away with him for at least a day just being all relaxed and cozy.

And then...

The DrunkenMonkey. I spoke to his mother on the phone. well wait... lemme back track...
I finally broke down and sent his mum a message and let her know that I wanted to send him a letter but I knew that I needed his inmate number so that I could make sure that he gets it (when I finally figure out what I'm going to write). She was really happy to hear from me, she did remember me...which was amazing to me since I had only met her once and that was over ten years ago now.

When she visited him on the 28th she had let him know that I contacted her and asked about sending him a letter (so much for the element of surprise) and asked him if he was ok with that. He apparently was very happy to hear that I wanted to write him and said that yes of course that she could give me his inmate number. So she let me know that it was ok but there are strict rules about not sharing that number over social media so I had to call her. Called and spoke to her for about 45mins and found out how he's doing and how she's doing and also found out that he could get out in 5 years providing he has had model behaviour and that he goes to classes and therapy and such. So for now he's in there until 2023.

The two of them seem to believe that him sending letters from a prison in the states to an address in Canada won't be an issue. However, his mum has offered that if there is any issues that I could send them to her and she'll send them to him, without reading them of course and vice versa.

So now I just need to figure out exactly what it is I want to say to him. I've wanted to reach out to him since last year when he first went in...but...I still don't know exactly what it is I want to say to him.

And then...

Bing...

I am so proud of you right now. Keep it up. Do it for you, not for anyone else.

Aaaaaand...

Burton...
Get your god damn fucking passport renewed and get your fucking ass home I miss your face.

Everything else will have to wait. I have been writing/typing way to long and should likely go to bed since again it's after 4am and I will likely see this side of 6am...a-fucking-gain.

Happy Fucking New Year 2015