I'm a skittish turtle.

I don't think I could say it enough...but I do tire of saying it to everyone...all the time.

COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO MAKING A RELATIONSHIP WORK.

It truly is. If everyone feels heard and understood by those they  are trying to communicate with, then there is less frustrations, less hurt feelings, less miscommunications, less misunderstandings...etc.
You feel up to date on the other person. Whether it's  about the huge stuff like feelings and thoughts or just being considerate to communicate that you're going to be late.

Some think that robs them of their privacy. I don't believe so. If anything if you communicate that you need time then someone won't feel ignored or rejected by your sudden silence. They'll understand and give you that time.

Everyone has a lot on their proverbial plates these days. Between caring for children, adult children coming home, caring for parents, let alone trying to maintain your relationship with another person as well as of course trying to keep up with yourself...add ontop of that all those issues those relationships bring with them...in laws, teachers, physicians, friends, siblings...etc
Our plates get pretty overflowing at times.

These are the times that we want to cover our ears and holler for everyone else to just shut the fuck up so that we can take a fucking second to just breathe.

Instead of blowing your top or withdrawing into yourself...communicate.

Tell people what you need without cliches or analogies...

Especially people whom are close, loved ones, they want to still feel special. Even if they can't help. The worst feeling in the world is feeling rejected.

Communication is so important. It says 'I respect you and you're important enough to me and I value our relationship (whatever the relationship form is) enough to tell you what I need. I trust you enough to understand what I'm saying.'

Talking is so hard. Why?
We fear we will be rejected. We fear that the other person won't want to be around us anymore.

We want to be respected.

Have you ever tried to tell a story or anecdote to someone and suddenly they cut you off and start telling you something similar or even worse say something completely off topic?

Do you cut people off?

If you do... look at that persons face when you cut them off. Really look at it. You'll see a small part of them curl up and look rejected. There will be a small moment of sadness before they look annoyed or frustrated or brush it off.

Cutting someone off while they are trying to communicate with you is a sure fire way to let them know that what they have to say isn't important to you and also a really good way of letting them know you don't respect them.

I've been told that I hold others to a high standard of  expectation.
I didn't think I did.
I expect consideration, thoughtfulness, respect and to treat me as an equal and loyalty.

I didn't think that was too much.

Example...if plans are going to change, let me know, as soon as possible...is a great example of this. So many times nowadays where people don't show for plans and then two days later you'll get an 'oh yeah my bad'.

Bing once told me that I need to stop expecting people to love me like I love them and to just let them love me in their  own way.
I'm glad he communicated that to me. I've been trying so hard to work on that.

My issue seems to be that I am an intense, tender hearted, romantic who is so fragile on the inside. I crack and break at the slightest thing.
When I love you it's wholly and completely and it can take me to the highest of highs and drop me to the lowest of lows.

I try very hard to  maintain on the outside that everything is completely fine. But my brain will be screaming at me that I'm hated, good for nothing,  that the reason plans got changed or that I wasn't included is because people are ashamed of me, they don't want to be seen with me, that they're tired of me.

It's something I've wrestled with for a long time.

When I love you I just want to be near to you. I want to be dear to you. I want to be thought about. I want to be missed. I want to be important to you. I want to be someone you're proud to be with.
I want to be someone that you would want to introduce to your mum.

I had some abusive relationships in my past and I try really hard to not let those define who I am but they aren't kidding when they say it's tough.

I've used sex as a gauge of who I can trust with my innermost secrets. I've used it to gauge how  things are in my relationships.

I'm that woman in the movies who just needs you to grab her, kiss her hard, hug her close and fuck her.

It's how I know I'm ok.

I revealed one of my most horrific secrets to Sugarbear last week in the dark of the bedroom. I opened a vein, figuratively, letting him in closer then he had been. I was met with silence. I started to panic...had that been the right thing to expose to him...should I have said it then...will he hate me  and reject me now...will he think less of me...my brain just started screaming and tears started streaming...'what the fuck did you do?! that was stupid!! don't let anyone in that far!'...
I rolled over while apologizing and telling him I'd let him go to sleep.
The silence was deafening in my head. It took everything I had to keep from crying. I had made a mistake. The tears snuck out. The silence...

He rolled over and curled up behind me and went to sleep.

'I don't talk about my feelings or emotions. People use those against you.'
Why do I fall in love with emotionally shut off men. I mean I quite obviously have a type. That would be it apparently.
Squasha. Bing. Sugarbear.

Sugarbear isn't here this weekend. It wasn't a planned trip up north. So very last minute.

Sure I was upset that he went, I get so little time with him as it is already so I cherish and look forward to our weekends together. I get that he needs to be there for his family, especially his mother. I wouldn't love him so much if he wasn't such a great guy. So missing a weekend with him wasn't what caused my semi meltdown today. Nah it wasn't even a meltdown. It was my unexpected rollercoaster of thoughts and feelings...

Why didn't he text or message or call me to let me know personally that he was going north instead of south?
Why did I have to find out via a facebook status? Am I not worthy of some personal message...possibly apologizing that it was short notice and that he wouldn't be home?
Or even a 'Hey I'm heading up north again for the weekend, want to come with me, I'll wait for you to get here and we'll go.'
Why did I have to find out as I was walking  out the door to head to his house, instead of right after he was asked to go there instead?

Because he didn't think of me...
Because I'm not important...
Because he doesn't love me...
Because he's ashamed of me and doesn't want me to visit his family...
Because he was too busy for you...
Because he didn't want to wait for you...
Because he doesn't want you...
Because he doesn't want you after last weekend...
Because...because...because...

My brain can come up with all sorts of things.

Communication is important because my brain is so hurtful...and it has me being rejected by everyone...over everything...

It had taken me all week to psych myself up enough to want to broach a topic with him...I was going to talk to him about it this weekend...

It bruised my heart.

I'm like a skittish turtle... it takes everything I have to poke my head out... then when I see (experience) a set back I just retract my head back in and start all over again with the psyching myself up to poke my head back out again.

Communication. Clear honest and open communication is key.
Then I can tell my brain to shut up. I can replay the conversation to keep my brain quiet.

And now that I just opened a vein again...I need some kleenex.