And this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away...

Alright so here I am finally giving you all an update on what's happening in my neck of the woods...

How was Monday? Did I do all those things on my list? *laughs* Well I haven't been posting but it's not because I was in Switzerland...

My birthday was like any other 'Monday'... So you can imagine how that went... suffice it to say I had a good time when I went to my friends house and saw some people that I hadn't had a chance to visit with in awhile... The rest of the day was shit.

Awoke to a phone call telling us that the townhouse that we had gotten the ok to rent... was no longer ok'd... after a bit of a bitch session I got back on my computer and started looking for more houses to go and look at...
Didn't end up going out to breakfast, by that time just didn't feel like celebrating anything...

So it's been a bit of a hectic week...

House hunting, (which back and forth on a bus can be a bit difficult with timing and such... You know taking the bus for over 45 mins, walking for a few more, looking at a house for about 30 mins tops, walking a few minutes and waiting 45 minutes for a bus to take 45 minutes to get home again... when you live about 10 mins away by car... it really is frustrating some days), errands to various buildings health card, odsp...blah blah blah..., got one of my many wanted tattoos, had some blood tests done... oh and other things I can't really think about at this point...

So we sign a lease on Wednesday... for a 5 bedroom, 2 bathroom, 2 kitchen house... with a big patio, a backyard, across the street (literally) from a park, and two blocks from the elementary school... we figure the ups and downs paid off finally... that's what I get for jumping the gun... and my promise to the universe can still be fullfilled, actually it can be fullfilled even moreso with this place... biggest problem I have with the place... besides the small bedrooms... is it's in the city... not right in the downtown core... close enough towalk to it though...

So changing schools for the boychild, changing phone numbers, changing a bunch of other stuff as well... but... thems the sacrifices that we make in order for the children to have a yard, a play room and a park nearby...

so thats my news... it took me all day to type it out but gosh darnit I finally made another post...

And I Can Tell That He'll Be There For Life

I'm so glad that my kids feel they can talk to me about anything... that's the way I was hoping that they'd turn out... it was proven too me though this Friday when my oldest showed up for his weekly stay with us...

He walks in and announces to me "Mom, I got pubes" with a grin on his face, as if this was the benchmark sign he'd been waiting for to prove that he was indeed chugging along into puberty. I just stopped and blinked and chuckled "Well that's good, and how did this all come about?"
him... "Well I was going to the bathroom and thought there was a piece of fluff, so I went to pick it off to put it into the toilet, and it hurt."

Ok so this is where I start laughing and jokingly said to him "Oh no honey that was just your penis" of course that whole joke from high school that Jason used to say I thought I had a pubic hair until I peed out of it... anyway... so quick as he is he puts up his thumb and says "my penis is about this big maybe even bigger, how big is yours?" to which I promptly answered "Much bigger then that but I keep it in a box" which of course confused him...

So anyway, he seemed oh so proud about this pubic hair discovery, so I asked him if he had told his dad yet, he blushes and says "No I just found it at grandma's house" which of course made me laugh. So of course I asked him if he told Grandma to which he blushed again and said no.

I didn't do the whole 'Aww my little boy is growing up' but I had to smile inwardly as I was happy that he was happy to share such a personal discovery with us... since he did share it with his step dad, brother and me...

Didn't realize just how much fun it would be to have boys... *laughs*

Swift says, "Mice? Ugh"

Birds... Possums... Skulls... Oh My...

I was awoken this morning to a small voice saying the following...
"Umm... mum... one of the birds got out and it's in the bathroom..."

first... why tell me, it's daddy he deals with in the morning... that's the dude that takes him to school... why wake me from only 3 maybe 4 hours of sleep...

I grumble out a 'mhmm' of some sort... and try to ignore what I just heard even though I know full well that the bathroom window is open...

the man stirs beside me... I tell him to go check it out... then we hear...

"Umm... Mum... There's two in the bathroom..." long pause as child looks back toward the bathroom door which is closed now... "And they aren't ours"

A quirk of the eyebrow as I wake much more this time and do the frowning trying to comprehend 'What?!'

The man gets up and tells me he's on it. Thank goodness, I try to go back to sleep but know that the mice are nearby and start getting creeped out...

The man comes back... yep two outdoor birds that it would be a bit more cozy in our bathroom instead of outside on the line outside the window... He got them out ... all is well and all involved are alive and harm-free.

All day today I was cleaning out the kitchen, throwing away a lot of unneed stuff and cleaning up a lot of crap that should have been done ages ago... all the while I'm doing that there is a horde of mice (I shit you not about the number of them) literally playing out in the open, eating some poisoned food, chasing each other around and so forth... I was afraid that one was gonna try to climb the leaning tower of creeped out Rae...

The phone rang just before 3 the man missed the bus so I had to go and run to get the littlest of the boychildren... on the way there I see a very well preserved bird skull... I left it as I had to hurry and get into the park incase he had gotten out a bit early... So it was still there on the way back... oh yeah I'm about to gross you out... I picked it up and brought it home... and of course followed my mothers orders... always wash your hands... it's gonna look real good on my altar... but it was just fascinating on how it was so well preserved...

So after all the boys get home... we work like the dickens... (what ever it is that really means) to accomplish one goal... getting all the boxes grandma had brought upstairs and piled up so that we don't have to trip all over them... kitchen tidied...check... boxes in a neat pile... check! Everyone got a squishee and now all is well... sorta ...

On our way back up the stairs the boys all make it to the top where the oldest of the boychildren drops a real stinker of a fart for me to walk into... how nice... gotta love boys... I heard a scratching sound but I'm so used to it from living with mice that I didn't think anything of it... standing with one foot on the top step and the other on the next step down, I hear it again... and then out of the darkness of the landing from behind the recycling box and from underneath the chair this grey blur comes streaking toward me and wham! runs into my shin before falling a couple of steps and then running the rest of the way down... yep a opossum/possum attacked me (well not really) but I screamed so loud I scared the neighbours next door who were all gathered out on the porch of the house behind us...
And ya know it was the same little sucker that tried to eat my chinese food a couple weeks back... long story but anyway... so I think he's been living behind our recycling box... and he's just little... like he should still be with his mama... and of course I get the look from the man that says 'leave it outside, you are not his mama'...

So all in all it's been quite the odd day when it comes to animals...

Why Oh Why Didn't I Take The Red Pill... ?

So I had someone ask me to describe my perfect birthday to them... so here it goes... what would make this birthday perfect to me....


Wake up in the morning, on my own, without a mini heart attack from a phone, or alarm clock... (or have someone wake me up just how I like to be woken up ;) )
Go to Cosmo's for breakfast with my honey...
Go and get a nice pedicure and manicure...
Head over and get my hair done... nice fiery reds like I like it in the winter...
Maybe go for an ice cream or maybe a light lunch...
Go to my favourite tattoo parlour, get my tattoo done and re-pierce my eyebrow...
Head out and buy a couple of outfits and a suitcase... pack said clothes into said suitcase...
Go to the airport, board a plane to Switzerland...
Go to Squasha's and sit with him for a nice quiet evening on his terrace with his wonderful view, smoking a cigar and sipping a warm brandy...

Not much to ask... right?
*laughs*

So I might be able to do a couple of those things that are on the list... I'll letcha know which ones on Tuesday...
Now that would just be this years perfect birthday... next years might be different... we're always changing...

I Want To See You Dance Again, On This Harvest Moon...

Alright so I made a post yesterday but... My weekend has finally ended.

It was a good and long one...

Started on Saturday, I took the kids down to a friends house that they haven't seen in ages... after that went to a progressive Euchre Tournament... I know sounds like old lady stuff right but it wasn't... was lots of fun... I like playing cards with strangers... some who take the game waaay to serious and some that are just out to have some fun... I won a door prize... that was cool... the man got the prize for most honest player... read as: He got the lowest score of the night... *chuckles*

Sunday morning, the Suicide Awareness Walk was held and we went, the man walked, I didn't. I'd love to say that I helped out, but there were so many volunteers that there was a few of us that just kind of sat around. However, I'm happy to say that our goal of $6,000 dollars was surpassed... the total from the walk was just over $9,500 dollars... so happy campers we definitely are...

Monday, yesterday, last night I had a fantastic evening... I got together with some of the best people in my pagan community... and oh my god did we ever have fun... I drummed so much my hands are killing me today... I ended up icing them before I went to bed... while the energy was high and while I was trancing out during drumming I sent out to the universe that I really need to move and get out of my tiny apartment, that I need to get this community back together again. So, got a call back about a townhouse today... things are looking up. If we get it I have a promise to the universe to fulfill.

So maybe things will look up for the man and I in other areas as well. I'm keeping my fingers crossed about that for sure.

"The judge said, "Son, what is your alibi?
If you were somewhere else,
Then you won't have to die."
Well, I said not a word
Though it meant my life"

Why Can't We Not Be Sober?

So....

It's exactly one week before my birthday... my 30th birthday... I'm not freaking out like a lot of people do... I could careless it's another number... and I really don't feel 30...

Someone asked me if I was freaking out... and I honestly answered "No, maybe I'll be taken seriously now, when I have something to say."

I've always gone through life with people saying stupid demeaning things such as "Oh you're too young to have an opinion about that" ... "Well you wouldn't know about that, you're too young?" ... "Oh you're only a baby..." ... "Well I"ll check anyway..." ... "Are you sure??"

I only really talk about something or tell someone something if I'm sure... generally when not in a heightened over sensitive and over emotional place while having the conversation... which generally only happens when talking with Jamie... so... I'm fairly confident that I know what I'm talking about, unless I come right out and say "Well I don't know that much about this could you explain it a bit better..." which I have been known too do.

If they don't take me more serious then maybe I'll just shrug... say fuckit... and become a hermit that does nothing but play computer games online all day long... and just stop interacting with people....

Next!

So here's a non-rhetorical question for you all... let's see if any of you actually answer it...

After two people have been in love for 5 years can they ever just be friends?

I would love to hear the answer on this one as others I've spoken too have some very interesting opinions about whether or not that could actually ever happen. Some say yes... some say no... some say it depends who the people are... some say they won't answer...

I know... it's a toughie... but gimme an opinion ; )

R.I.P Kayleb

Kayleb sitting in the window of my bedroom in our old house.

So here I sit today saddened by the fact that my kitty cat died. He was just a bit older then my youngest son. And he's been with us through three moves, five other cats, two dogs, several fish and even a bird or two...

It was in February 2001, I was immensely pregnant with the youngest of the menchildren... the man and I had two cats. Aries and Sylver. But every time we went outside for something we'd see these three cats out on our neighbours balcony. We lived in a quad and he was the other second floor apartment. It was very cold out and there was at least three feet of snow on our balconies that we had to shovel just to get to the stairs.
Cliff (the neighbour) had asked us a couple weeks previous if we'd like to have a kitten. Well with our two already we said no, of course. Our apartment was fairly small already didn't need more cats. So it had been a few weeks of really cold when we started to see these three furballs out on his balcony.
One night the man came in the house and said the were there when he got home from work (he had been working straight midnights) and that they were still out there. If any of you truly know me at all you know what happened next...
The man and I looked at each other with the same look the "they can't stay out in the cold and freeze to death, but we really can't afford to take care of them" look... most of my friends know that look, they've used it themselves.
For the next couple hours he tried to catch the three cats who of course were very wary of people. After much running around and almost freezing he managed, much to the chagrin of Aries and Sylver, to finally catch all three of them.
And thus Scarlett, Demona and Kayleb all came to live with us. Scarlett got her name because she was the mama cat with an attitude that matched Scarlett O'Hara's, she never really did warm up to people much. Demona, got her name... hmm... I'm trying to remember where she got her name, I think it was from Gargoyles...
Kayleb, he got his name because I had gone back to school after giving birth to the oldest boychild, even though I was a grade 12 I ended up in two grade ten classes. I only needed two electives to graduate. So all these friggin grade tens thought I was some transfer student since I started halfway through the year. As we all know highschool is not really great, this proved it to me, I loved high school until taking a year off and went back. Anyway, this kid Caleb, was pretty nice to me even when the others weren't. I took the boy to a highschool hockey game with me and Caleb came over to say hi to me. Cutest thing, he looks at me and says "Oh hey, you babysitting?" to which I replied "Well, if you consider taking care of your own baby as babysitting" and laughed. Well you could have picked his jaw up off the floor. He asked how old I was, when he found out I was 19 and actually a grade 12, he realized that the others had been such idiots. He just gave me a smile, nodded and said "Cool, you two want to come sit with me?"
I don't know why when we got the cats Caleb had come to mind, but he did and thats how Kayleb got his name.
Years went on, Sylver and Aries died shortly after we moved into the house of some rare cat disease. Since it didn't affect the other three the vet thought that maybe they had been carriers. So we said no more cats for us.
Well life happens and Scarlett and Demona went to go live with the mans mom, the man and I were going through some real tough shit and I was leaving and it was just yucky... he gave them to her and was going to keep Kayleb. She didn't think he'd fit in up there (read that as: I have uncut males who would try to kill him)
So I wised up came back, missed the others and convinced the man that I wanted another cat, one that actually shows affection and such. Kayleb was never one that got too affection with people. Thats when Skeezix came along, we got him while a friend was visiting.
Kayleb's attitude started changing, he would watch how the kitten interacted with us, and started to come out of his shell. He would rub up against us and come on the bed looking for pets and such. He was much more lovable.
Well, not thinking, Skeezix got sick. It had been six years we hadn't thought about how he could have gotten sick.
Then Kayleb got sick. So it would seem he was a carrier, and when he got older he succumbed to the sickness as well.

So the man and I have decided, no more cats, for a long while.

I'll miss him

Oh What Can It Mean, To A Daydream Believer and A Homecoming Queen...

Not to be all angst-y again ... I try to get my angst out here and then to move on... keyword there is try... So not to say that I'm not dealing with some crap still but... onward....

So week two of the beginning of school is coming to an end ... and I have not been to the gym these past two weeks like I had wanted.. if it wasn't one thing it was another... so when I've been going to get the monkey from school I've been leaving the house a bit late so that I have to hustle my ass and get some cardio going... yeah lame... but it's that little bit that will help...

I'm thinking of recruiting a friend of mine to help me out for a couple of weeks...

Went and met the teachers at the little guys school last night... I'm not sure at which grade it was that I started having more then one teacher a day... but I know that in grade two I did not have three teachers.

Their day is split into three... they have two periods then a nutrition break then two periods then lunch then two periods... so he has one teacher for the first two, another in the second two and the third in the last two periods...

That's really kind of confusing for a 7 year old... and hell that's going to make parent teacher interviews a bit confusing...

If this first two weeks was a preview of the year to come I'm going to become the schools worst nightmare... a major component of school is spelling... and everyone knows that I'm a spelling nazi.. .so when my kid is coming home and his spelling words that he has to study for the next week aren't spelt correctly in his book... I have a problem with this... either he copied them down wrong, or they put them up wrong... for the second scenario it wouldn't surprise me (see below for that rant) however, for the first one... if he's put them done wrong, they check the agendas everyday so... you would think that the would have corrected the spelling list at the side. Nope. I did.


Now as for the second scenario... it wouldn't surprise me as I know a few teachers, and sure they're not all english teachers but... come-the-fuck-on... you should know how to spell. I don't care if you work with elementary students, high school or college level people. Spelling mistakes reflect so poorly on a teacher. A typo here and there is understandable as we all do them. It's usually a case of brain moving faster then the fingers. However, when you are constantly spelling words in correct, you need to look at your profession and think... how serious am I about this... children look up to you and you are setting an example for them. If you can't spell simple everyday words what does that say about you?

I think it's downright shameful that there are people out there teaching my kids and other peoples children that can't spell. Yeah it may seem to be a small thing, but when you come to think about how much typing/writing and what not you have to do in your daily lives...

People say there's two subjects you'll use everyday from elementary school... 1- Math ... 2- English.

If you can't express yourself via the written word when you're a teacher, without coming across looking like an idiot, get a new job.


So it's 11 days until my birthday... and thus far it looks as if it's going to suck a large knobby cock... and I haven't been anywhere near as excited about it as I have in past years... *shrugs* maybe I'm actually starting to grow up. Or it could be because of all this bullshit that's been dumped on me by a friend who dumped it and then left me 'waiting'... so much fun I couldn't even bear to try and shake a stick at it...

friend

n. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance. ---> A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade. <--- One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement. Friend, A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.

anyway a little side tangent there for a moment...

So back to the birthday... I have no plans as of yet... I won't be going out because my sitter won't be around... doubt we'd go out anyway not much money laying about for that sort of stuff... so it looks like my 30th will be spent at home... doing what we do every night...
Pinky and I will be 'TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!' *insert evil laugh here*

yeah... I know... showing my age... and also displaying how tired I am... that's what happens when you get no sleep... or aren't sleeping well when you do sleep... unfortunately it's been easier to do during the day... when others - I know - are awake...

*laughs* So not impressed in this labour day picture but it so reflects how I'm feeling right now. No smile. No laughter. No patience. No sleep.
Though I must have some sort of sense of humour to put up such an unattractive pic of myself ;)

Oh and looking at that pic it's hard to believe, whether your a daydreamer or not, that I once was a homecoming type queen...

"intelligent input darlin' why don't you just go and have another beer then?"

took last two pills...

So now... I have a confession to make... after all this talk from me about how all us bloggers only talk about the surface superficial stuff...


I quit smoking almost four years ago... it's been a daily struggle for me to not light up... I was one of those crazy kids that started when they were like 10 years old... it's easy when you have a parent that's a smoker... so by the time I quit I had already been smoking for 15 years... I fell to the temptation two years ago and had two cigarettes while on vacation...

It had been quite the trying day in a semi sort of positive way... ah hell... some guy got me really fucking horny and I couldn't stand it anymore... it was either have the cigarette or stop being good... tell you the truth I should have just forgone the cigarettes...

After that day two years ago I haven't touched a cigarette since... I know how easy it is once your an ex smoker to fall right back into it after one or two...
The man is helpful about it... tells me how proud of me he is when he knows I'd just like to light one up... he is a smoker and to help me he smokes outside... and if we're all outside he smokes away from the rest of us... not to hide it but because he doesn't want to make the kids sick and also doesn't want to tempt me into smoking again...

Last night...
I was so distraught after a five and a half hour long conversation, about another conversation that was had on Friday and ... yeah it was an emotional roller coaster at the best of times last night as we discussed feelings and emotions and all that good stuff that happen with people who have been friends for as long as we have...

I was so emotional drained and trying to numb myself that I just got up from my desk went outside took a deep breath and lit a cigarette...

I'm not going to try to justify that it doesn't count because I only smoked half... or rationalize why I smoked it...

I fell.

Today has been harder... I've been sitting here fidgeting all day... fighting off the want to go take another of the mans cigarettes and smoke it... as I fight off the urge to dive into this bottle of Jack Daniels I have sitting in the other room...

Oh no,
She's at the bottom of that bottle
She's only one more swallow
From being, oh, so hollow

Usually the music helps... but when part of the issue is brought forth from the music itself... it's tough...

there's a burning feeling in the bottom of my stomach... a lump in my throat... feeling a bit fuzzy headed... I'd tell you how I feel but the only words that come to me when I even think about it are 'raw' and 'numb'

Now how can someone be raw and numb at the same time ? *shrugs and sighs*

So there you go... something 'real' in a blog post... maybe I'll actually tell you the back story to the feelings one day...

Anyway... I'm off to fill another addiction... (slurpee)

I Want To Feel The Steel Of The Red Hot Truth....

Day 3 of taking the pills...

So... if I have one word of advice for any women out there it would have to be... don't make big decisions while hormonal... you'll start to have second thoughts about it in the morning...

Letting go of control on my night time stories had such an odd effect... people I don't talk to, running marathons, large lobsters breaking fishing tanks... to me trying so hard without prevail to save some smaller fish...

I have so much to tell and yet can't find the words... making one person extremely happy by making another extremely unhappy...

sometimes we have to make sacrifices and those are the hardest things we have to do... we do them for our family, our friends, and ourselves... we sacrifice our own happiness to make others happy so much more often then not...

we wittle away at our own happiness.. thinking that others make us happy because we make others happy... we can only be happy if we make ourselves happy... yet we're so willing to sacrifice all that to make someone else's life easier...
sometimes they don't realize what you've done for them... until it's too late and they can't even thank you for it anymore...

I know I'm the reason you're so angry today... it's because of what I said and did last night... I've apologized... and rationalized why I did it... I know that you think how you feel now about it doesn't matter to me because of what I said. You couldn't be more wrong... it tears me apart having to tell you goodbye like that, I never wanted it... never.
In order to make someone happy I had too, even if they'll never know that I did it for them.
There are no words in any language that can explain how sorry I am for having to do what I did last night, and I hope that maybe one day you won't be angry with me anymore.

Have you ever had to say goodbye to your best friend in the world? It's really not an easy thing to do. It leaves both people hurt, confused, angry, and just not in the best frame of mind.

enh... maybe more later...

Chasing Amy...

Day 2 no ill effects thankfully...

The universe has come down upon me and told me to put my actions where my mouth is...

I got a phone call yesterday, a friend of mine is taking on a project and has asked for me to help her out if she finds out if it's been ok'd. I'm not going to go into exactly what it is until I get a confirmation that it's on. But I can't wait I'm so excited I hope that it goes through it's a project I'd definitely get some enjoyment out of working on.

I've done a lot of thinking lately and it sucks... one of things that I enjoyed most about my evenings has been taken from me. The timing of it tells me that I already know the reason. Even though I've tried to tell myself that ... enh fuckit... not gonna sit here and spew forth the emotion train...

There is the exact reason why I don't reveal the raw emotions on my blog... and really... no one with a blog does...

There's a world of people writing in blogs about the surface of their lives ... speaking in cryptic analogies about their true feelings...

Welcome to the world of blogging... a whole lot of people talking and no one really saying anything...

We Only Said Good-bye with Words

Ok so day 1 of the drug treatment...

just read the little paper insert... seems the only real warning it has is that blurry vision may occur... well I've been walking around with blurry vision for a couple of years now... what's a bit longer...

Especially since I haven't been wearing my glasses much this summer since I don't have any prescription sunglasses... I'm going to look into getting another pair and having the light sensitive lenses in them...

Seems I have stirred some attention southward as I now seem to have visitors coming in from some Universities logging in to witness some of my ramblings... *waves at the peepers from UGA and VSU* Can't imagine I'm posting anything noteworthy to them.

hmm... wonder if I could entertain with a song or two...

Name that tune... as you wonder...
Well, my girl's in the next room Sometimes I wish she was you I guess we never really moved on It's really good to hear your voice say my name It sounds so sweet Coming from the lips of an angel Hearing those words it makes me weak And I never wanna say goodbye But girl you make it hard to be faithful With the lips of an angel

Or how about this one...
Oh, now, we took it back too far, Only love can save us now, all these riddles that you burn All come runnin back to you, all these rhythms that you hide Only love can save us now, all these riddles that you burn I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you Fear is not the end of this!

And lastly how about this one...
There is this place inside Where all the good things die Sometimes I feel like a whore (Sometimes I feel like a whore) I hate the way I am around you (I'm so nervous and weird) Sometimes I feel like I'm Breathing underwater Yes I dream of the time When I can make you mine (Maybe then I'll feel half alive, more alive, so alive)

*stops now, and stops chuckling...*

It's only 9:30 in the morning and I'm already feeling like it's going to be a good day... It's the day after the rain...

Have you ever noticed that guilt makes people do things they wouldn't normally do... it makes them try harder because they feel bad... shouldn't they try harder because they want to instead of feeling obligated too... instead of trying to placate the other person... and really it's not like the other person could honestly believe that the effort is true... To all of a sudden get up and do something that has become very uncharacteristic of them ... to do it to make someone else happy... is that really going to make them happy... doing stuff that only makes others happy? Eventually they know it'll suck them up and cause them that deep dark depression that they dislike so much because they've lost who they are in this person that they seem to have become...

It's funny (in that strange, not so 'ha ha' kind of way). If they really wanted to do what they're doing... then they would have been doing it.

In the end, they're a bigger liar than they ever realized. And there's no way back from that.
How does that feel, knowing that you're a liar, a fake, a shadow of your true existence?

We only said good-bye with words

Just Tell Me Have You Ever Really?

To really love a woman
To understand her - you gotta know it deep inside
Hear every thought - see every dream
N' give her wings - when she wants to fly
Then when you find yourself layin' helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman you tell her
that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
she needs somebody to tell her
that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
- really really ever loved a woman?

To really love a woman
Let her hold you -
til ya know how she needs to be touched
You've gotta breathe her - really taste her
Til you can feel her in your blood
N' when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman
you tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
she needs somebody to tell her
that you'll always be together
So tell me have you ever really -
really really ever loved a woman?

You got to give her some faith - hold her tight
A little tenderness - gotta treat her right
She will be there for you, takin' good care of you
Ya really gotta love your woman...

Then when you find yourself layin' helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman you tell her
that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
she needs somebody to tell her
that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
- really really ever loved a woman?

Just tell me have you ever really,
really, really, ever loved a woman? You got to tell me
Just tell me have you ever really,
really, really, ever loved a woman?

Real post to come when not so tired... For now... Enjoy some Bryan.

y 2 = 2px or x2 = 2py

Oh so many blogs in oh so many days... whatever will you all do with yourselves!! *laughs*

I had to have a post for today...!

It's labour day... well that's not why there just /had/ to be a blog for today... but... Happy Labour Day to You!

If you don't know what labour day is you didn't grow up in North America and it's not important to you... so no worries... Happy First Monday of September!! to the rest of the world.

This is a two part blog... the first part everyone will understand... the second... I will understand.

I once told someone that I don't blog about my feelings anymore... there's a reason for that.
I haven't blogged about my feelings anymore because I always felt I had to be cryptic about them so as to not offend anyone, and so that I wouldn't get to open with anyone, so that people didn't know me... and also so that those who do read this blog that know me well don't call me up and rag on me or ask me if I'm ok...

I don't write about my inner thoughts and feelings because for the most part they're very dark and somewhat morbid and I would hate to have any of you know just how much... it's the facade of the happy go lucky 'nice' Canadian girl that's expected here on the web... if I had total anonymity I would feel a little more secure with revealing all about my inner workings... but with having friends of friends, and co workers, family and friends all reading this... it's a bit different... it would be like you willingly walking in and saying to your parents "I broke the big 7 and I don't regret it for one moment." You know that you wouldn't for a moment do that.

There are lots of people on the net who blog publicly and never open themselves up... to do so is to welcome criticism from your peers. Do you really want someone to come along and say "Dude! How could you be such a cold hearted bastard and not take their feelings into consideration before doing such a god awfully despicable thing?! How dare you feel that way! it's just not normal!" Do you want to open yourself up to that?

No of course not, so we blog about things.. things that happen to us, or around us... things that happen in the world and our opinions on it... things that happen to our friends and loved ones... things about our health... We never talk about the things that we don't want people to say negative things about...

Even those who don't care about the blank masses opinion of our small blip of a life, the ones who shout out "Fuck The World" those who shrug when babies die, animals get run over, or hear of people getting flooded out of their homes... even those people have at least one person in their life that they would rather die then have that person say something negative about what they're doing or feeling.

The internet is a wonderful marvel...it's a place for complete anonymity and a place where you can find out all the info you would ever need on a person... Lots of us hide behind our computers and express our opinions no matter how disgusting, hateful, wonderful or brilliant they might be... Some have become famous from the internet for different reasons, good and bad.

Some of us write our blogs to get comments from others to validate our existence... to let us know that there are people out there who commiserate with us... there are those that write in order to stay sane... stay awake... fall asleep... quiet the demons... wake the soul... motivate... relax... there are so many reasons why we sit at our computers and reach out into the unknown that is cyber space... I'd ask why you do it, but then you might think that it wasn't a rhetorical question and you might answer thinking that I'm looking for some sort of human contact through this cold machine...

I've met some wonderful people and some not so wonderful people through this contraption... some I loved and now hate... some I hated and now love... but beware it's so easy to do either when misrepresented too...

I hope you all (and I can say that as I know there's more then one person who reads my drivel) have a great Labour Day/First Monday In September ... may the changes in your life teach you something about yourself...

******* Thus ends Part One ... And So Starts Part Two ******

two years ago today... it has not dwindled it has not died... both remember it fondly... have spoken many times about it in whispers... without any regret... wished it could and would happen again... many a day while one was away listened to each other hope out loud... wish with a groan... oh how many times we said the words 'I wish'...

I wish I'd known you before... I wish you were here... I wish we were together... I wish you were mine... I wish I could hear you... I wish I could see you... I wish I could hold you... I wish she were yours...

Somedays I can't believe that it was two years ago... it feels like just yesterday... and other days it feels oh so long ago...

It's happened so many more times... in thought and dream and word...