I'm Still Here - Birthday

In 11 days I will be celebrating my 40th birthday...

My birthday is really important to me, more so now then when I was a kid.
I truly believe that I've been living on borrowed time...there's 3 times in my life that I've either flat-lined or been close to dying or the doctors didn't know how I was still alive let alone conscious.

So to me each year is a gift - it's probably why I love so intensely, so fully and why I just take the moments to experience everything I can... from taking a moment to appreciate the cloudiness of the day before walking into the house...to standing in the rain and smiling...literally stopping to smell the flowers when I can...listening to the silence of the night...watching a bug crawl by...feeling - everything.

Overall I am happy with my life, and happy to have it - I'm glad I it wasn't taken from me when I had tried to end it before.

Lately my happiness hasn't been shown outwardly enough for some - I'm really not all bouncy, giggly, and all laughs when I'm happy. I'm much more introspective now. Obviously I laugh or smile at jokes, I just don't feel the need to be goofy to show happiness. Maybe that's me just getting old...lol

I know there's a lot of people out there who just don't care about their birthdays, my father is one of them, and I get that. It's not about presents to me it's about presence. I want to spend my day with people who truly care that I'm alive, that appreciate my presence in their lives, that care that I am still walking this big ball of dirt - with people I love very much.

It's been a struggle, a fight, at times a massive war to get to 40...there's been trauma, abuse of all kinds, medical issues, heart breaks, anxiety, depression, deaths... so you're damn right I'm going to celebrate still being here...I just wish those I love would be too.

Appreciation and Expectations

I don't have a hidden agenda or malicious motivations, or even unreasonable expectations when I help my friends out or offer to do stuff for them.

I try to be a good person and a good friend to those I care about.
By helping them out any way that I can that isn't monetary, because face it, I'm broke.

It's very common for me to want to try to fix a situation that might be causing them issues, frustrations or annoyances. Mainly because I want to see the people I care about be happy.

Maybe that's lofty of me to think that I could solve other peoples problems but, in reality I try to only offer help or advice in areas that I think I could help out in.

I don't generally expect anything in return, possibly the ability to call on them in my time of need without thinking that I'm bothering or pestering them, which I generally don't do unless it's an absolute must because I'll feel like a burden to them if I ask for assistance. When I do ask for help in some way though I do try to make it up  to them. Buy them lunch, make them a nice dinner, offer up a massage and of course I always let them know that I'm thankful for their help.

I don't really understand people who do things for others just to see what they can get out of them. The people that do the 'Well I helped you with this...so you should do this... for me.'
Or they lord it over you with the 'Well you remember that time that I did this for you.'

That's being a dick...not being a friend.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine with whom I really haven't spoken to in about 9 years. We have said hi how are ya but that's about it over the last few years but never anything too major. I let them know that I was concerned and a bit worried about them because they've been having nightmares quite frequently. They were surprised that I would care at all about what was going on with them or that I would put any thought into trying to help them figure out why they were having them.

I explained that just because we stopped talking and haven't really said much to each other in the last decade doesn't mean I just suddenly one day stopped caring about them.

For the people I care about I wish to be a bright spot in their day...or week...or lifetime. I wish for those I help out, care about and hang out with to smile when they hear my name and say 'she really helped me out when...' or 'she made me feel better when...' Something that makes them have a good thought.
With so much negativity in the world...when there's so many people out there who would rather see us all fail because they're miserable in their own lives... I just want to bring some joy and happiness maybe even some colour to peoples lives...

I read a picture on FB the other day that said 'Don't expect others to do for you what you do for them, their heart isn't like yours.' and also 'Expectations are the downfall of every relationship.'

They both rang very true to me... especially when you read the relationship to mean any relationship you have with any human being... I have a relationship with  my kids, my parents, my friends at different levels, and even the relationship I have with myself... it all boils down to the root of the word relationship...relate...how do you relate to others around you and how are they related or relating to you... All my relations... anyway... it doesn't always mean a couple who are committed to each other in a loving bonded sort of way... This is why it's best to know the English language when trying to communicate with others in discussions...but that's another blog for another time...

I realize that I get disappointed in people when I hold them to the expectations that I hold myself at. I expect myself to be thankful and to tell my friends that I love them and that they are important to me and show that by being helpful, remembering small things like their favourite colours or when their birthdays are... I expect myself to show up in support of someone elses loss of a dear family member even if I've not talked to them in 5 years... I expect myself to give pieces of myself away to others even when they have no idea I've done it... I expect myself to respond to a text from someone, even if it's just an acknowledgement to that person that I received their text...

I also realized that some days I need to lower the expectation bar on myself so that I stop wearing myself a bit thin.

I've made myself a very small group of friends...which is bad in a way when three of them live on the West coast of the United States...but hey we do what we can... the other four that I have here...well...they're all dealing with their own shit...and as much as I try to help them out... I know they need to deal with their own stuff on their own at times...and I also know that even though they are in my very small circle of friends of near and dear and I love them... I'm not in theirs.

And sometimes people set an expectation bar pretty high themselves...like when they treat me a certain way I expect that's how they will always treat me... like driving 2 hrs home to spend 4 hours with me before having to go to bed to sleep and then get up for work again the next morning, driving the 2 hours back again... or finding out that I have an achy body after practice so pouring me a glass of wine and drawing me a beautiful bubble bath before giving me a massage... which after time apparently becomes 'oh that sucks...' while they lay on a couch watching a sitcom...

When you lead with one and turn into the second...it brings about disappointment... I'm not saying I always want or need wine, bubbles and a rub... that's exhausting and would become routine...but a little more compassion...

But anyway I digress...

People tend to set their own expectation bars with how they treat you or at least that's what they do with me... Oh you treated me like this...well I guess this is what I can expect from you from now on...
Not saying that right off the bat you should set it low...but you should never set it so high that you can't keep it up...

I got so far down this topic of expectation I totally lost where my original thought was going...lol

I want to bring happiness to peoples lives by helping them how I can. I don't expect a parade in my honour...but a heartfelt and sincere thank you is appreciated...and goes a long fucking way.

I Hate Feeling So Weak.

I do not like to be seen as weak ...ever.

I struggle with accepting that my 'issues' are actually 'mental illness'. Depression and Anxiety...to be even more specific.

I don't just come right out and tell people that I have these issues. I have enough outward health issues that I don't want to scare people away.

I have a fucked up tendon in my thumb that goes into my wrist (that's the latest issue), respiratory issues with my lungs (obvi), of course my ongoing heart condition, my ankle which will start to bother me when I stand too long...

I try very hard to not complain about my aches pains bumps or bruises...and I definitely do not complain to people about my mental illness when it's flaring up and getting the better of me.

When the sneak up and become larger then my life seems to be I try very hard to get away from the hub bub of every day and recharge...generally somewhere quiet and when it gets really bad somewhere in nature.

Burton and I going to Red Spiral was a very good recharge for me when we would go to Egansville to Raven's Knoll.

The last couple of years though I've not had a chance to get away to do a recharge...it's really creeping up on me. I've had SBs place to get some quiet when I need...he and I have been to the beach a few times and being in the water helps...but it's not quite the same.

When my brain gets too loud...and life is too loud it makes me want to shut down. It makes me irritable, and angry at the littlest of things. Last week while the boys were gone things got much worse, having to deal with a bunch of derby stuff for the intake, the house with all the animals - and the messes that I was coming home to, the chaos that is working on the farm and a lack of sleep.

I have a support system that don't even know how much I depend on them to make sure I don't do stupid things. SB had saved me 3 times last month and he doesn't even realize it.

I broke down and told #DD about what had been going through my head...and I feel as though I shouldn't have done that. I had just gotten really close to the end of my rope and he's been there for me in the past.
I just know that he has so many other things and other stressors that he has to deal with.

I just need to get away and go sit in a bush for a couple of days...and for the first time I don't mean the slang term for a womans vagina.

I have so many other things to write about and post but I just don't have the time at the moment... I need to go to bed again so that I can go to work in a few hours.

Snippets of Moments

In those moments...short in comparison of all the moments spent apart...in those short moments I can see it in your eyes...when looking at me...in the way your fingers make their  way across my skin...your hands glide across the span of my body...as our bodies get more entwined...pressing closer together...

As you then look down at me...it's the only time you seem to really look at me...
In those  moments we're together by ourselves in the quiet of the room...the only noises are those we make...the results from our explorations of each other...

It's these snippets of time that I see something I so wish I could see  all the time...

A glimpse past the and over the wall...the barricade that is up all the time... I peek at the softness...the creamy nougat if you will...

I get to feel your energy change and the intensity of which it flows from you...
The part of you that I would bet that only one perhaps two others have ever seen...

It's that part that mirrors what I feel all the time. It mirrors and reflects...

In those moments we are so in sync those moments are when forever lasts but one second.

You broke me.

You broke me and changed the way I see things. You changed the way I wanted things.

I can't tell you.
If I did you'd run again.

I don't runaway, I try to save myself from saying things that you don't want to hear.
I save myself from hearing you say cruel things...I save myself from feeling unwelcome and uncertainties.

We don't know what you want.

When things are good they are so so very good.
When things were bad...they were horribly cruel and spiteful.

I don't feel wanted until those moments...those tiny moments where you hold me close and kiss me deeply.
And make me feel like you do love.

Wait...what?!

Nothing quite like cleaning the house for 3 days when you know that company is coming...

Spring cleaning.

Thank fuck it's actually spring so I have something else to blame for this cleaning spree as well.

Company comes tomorrow.

Not sure what I've gotten us into yet...might get killed in our sleep at some point this week...

lol...nah that's just dramatics...

However we are opening our house to a stranger for the next...month or so.

A friends sisters boyfriend needs a place to stay.
They will be moving to the area, apparently he found a job faster then expected, so he needs somewhere to stay whilst he looks for a place for them whilst he's working...and whilst she gets packed up and ready to move from wherever they're moving from.

Never met either one of them...just going on the friends vouching for him...

So this should prove to be interesting.

And this is all happening tomorrow.

I dislike people I don't know in my house. Especially when I'm out as often as I am with derby.

(The pic is just one of my favourite moments of the week. Trash talking via text for the Leafs vs Habs game.)

Strange Rambling Train...

I cry.

I know technically we all do at some point in our lives...obviously. I just sometimes do it more then others.

The first memory I have of crying as a child...where if I sit here and think back. I was really young and I found out that if anything should ever happen to my parents that my sister and I would be raised by our godparents...but then it dawned on me that we had different godparents...so therefore if something ever happened to my parents my sister and I wouldn't be together any more...
(I think I was around 6 or so when I was trying to work this out in my brain.)
It was after we had been sent to bed and I was laying there in bed and I had realized (if I was correct) that if my parents died, I would not only lose them and they wouldn't be alive any more but I would have also lost my sister and I would be all by myself living at my grandparents house.

I started to cry. I started to cry so hard that my mum came in to find out why I was crying. When she came in she asked me why I was crying and all I could manage to say was "I don't want you to die." She of course thought that was the oddest thing for me to say and told me she wasn't going to die and to go to sleep.

To me that shows just a sneak peek of how it is my brain works...oddly.

I think it was around that time that I didn't want people to leave and forget about me.

It's blossomed into a strange issue of mine.

People move away, people die, people fade away...

I was forgotten a lot as a child by my parents... that was a contributing factor as well.

I remember one night at my dance lessons (One night a week I had 3 classes in one night. So was at the school from 5pm until about 9pm). My mum would drop me off after school and then pick me back up afterwards. I was still sitting out front after all the classes had been let out. It wasn't until the last teacher was heading to her car that I realized just how late my mum was. My stomach was upset and I was on the verge of tears when the teacher asked if I wanted to go back upstairs with her and try to call my mum. I was standing up to go with her when suddenly my mum came flying into the parking lot. Her first words when I got into the car was 'I totally forgot you were here.'
I just nodded and had to keep looking out the window because I had started to cry.

I've tried really hard to not forget people. I've also tried to remind myself that no matter what I do some people will forget about me and that it's ok.

(but back to the crying)

I cry when I think about how I feel about people. Whenever I try to put into words how someone has touched me or how they've made me feel or even how I feel about them.

I tell my friends when I'm proud of them, when I'm disappointed, and I love them... I try to make sure to tell people how I feel about them because...well...life's too short.

I've never regretted telling anyone how I feel or how they make me feel. I think I've made people feel uncomfortable with telling them maybe how in depth it is I feel.

I stay quiet because I tend to be intense...

I want to know everything...constantly wanting to learn more about people...I want to know what makes them tick...what makes them think the way they do...How everything affects them...How does everything make them feel... Why is their favourite song their favourite...How do they pick their favourite sports team... what's their favourite meal... how did they feel when their heart broke for the first time... is sex a deep connection that tingles every nerve ending throughout their body too... does staring into the eyes of your lover make you feel more connected to them as you cum... does the smell of your cum with theirs turn you on... do they look in the mirror and look how they think they look...
I want to know everything...about everyone...

I want to know if when someone runs their fingers across your skin, does it feel like a thousand little caresses...does it make your breath catch...does it send a almost numbing sensation to your brain...does the feel of their bare skin make you bite your bottom lip and lean into their touch...

Does the sun make you smile just looking up into it and closing your eyes and feeling the warmth of it... does the smell of your favourite flower make you smile and make your muscles relax...does the sound of your lovers laugh make you feel at home...does an unkind word from someone slip into your brain and bang around in your head getting louder and louder until that's all you hear when you see that person...

Is life as intense to everyone else?

Laugh or Cry. (or both)

Intense Orgasm...could bring on one or the other,,,only once has it done both.

strange rambling random train of thought....

Cynical Romantic

I'm not sure if I'm like other women.

I'm fairly anti-marriage...yet I'll still sometimes fantasize about a wedding...

I'm sarcastic and cynical when it comes to love...yet I like romantic gestures...

I like getting flowers once in awhile just as a 'I was thinking of you' type token...but not big expensive bouquets that would seem too extravagant...perhaps a lollipop...or something small even...

But then that big gesture of a big date (once in a blue moon)...like a dinner at a fancy restaurant followed by hours of just making out...lol

Ok so that might seem strange...but I'm big on the making out thing...just something about touching and caressing while a whole lot of kissing is happening...that exploration and wonder of how far can I go...will they say stop...do they like this...

I suppose that's why new relationships and or weekend flings can be fun at times.

Sometimes you just get into a groove and forget about stuff like that... what making out for the first time was like... or it's just known that this will be happening tonight...leaves some of the wonderment out of it.

Suppose that's why people will try out new things in the bedroom... or why some people hold back on telling someone about their kinks or fetishes or favourite things...for fear that the person they're with will think them a freak...and therefore wait a long long time before feeling comfortable enough to tell them...if they ever tell them.

There's really only one person I really divulged that information to... He knew my kinks and never found them taboo or to 'weird'... he never judged me or made me feel bad about any of them...

I'm not sure if I'll have that this time... I'm fairly certain there would be a level of judgement there that would make me feel embarrassed or ashamed for having said anything.

I'm a kinky cynic who loves romance and passion...

Not sure if I'll ever find that...

Other Things...

Well now that that last post is out of the way I may actually be able to talk of other things.

I know that we're heading into the dark times again, it's that time of the year again. But holy shit it's sort of coming on with a vengeance this time. So many deaths, and dying going on right now that I'm feeling very empty and hollow. Like someone pulled the plug without telling me and I'm suddenly just completely drained. Being around most people is annoying me. What most people are saying is annoying me. I love Autumn, but when we head into the dark times I just want to crawl into a comfy bed and snuggle with one of my men and just say fuck it to the rest of the world.
However, Life doesn't lend itself very well to that idea, it requires me to get up out of bed and do stuff.
Sometime I would like to just stay at home (and for the most part in bed) for an entire winter. Doubt it's doable.

I judge people very harshly, I'm not sure why. I know I'm doing it and therefore can curb that somewhat but for the most part I hold people up to these ridiculously high standards. I get angry at them when they do something I wouldn't do. I don't tell them I'm angry, I just sort of mull it over and process it until I'm alright with it.
Sometimes a comment here and there will slip out, or a certain type of vernacular will be used and people will pick up on it, but I try really hard to help it nowadays.
It generally boils down to the fact that I am a selfish horrible person.


Just a statement of fact... I hate when Sugarbear is gone for two weeks...I get a bit bitchy and moody...
I also hate when The Man is gone for 2 weeks in and around the same time that Sugarbear is gone for two weeks. I seem to get extra bitchy and moody.

I have however gotten a hat and cowl set knitted in the time they were both gone. I should have been over at SB's place finishing up the inside of the house for the Hallowe'en party... but sometimes I get a bit lonely there without him.

I explained to SB a couple weeks ago the Man's and my situation a bit better, since he seemed afterward to understand it (from what he said). Not exactly sure where that leaves us.
Seems he didn't get the whole picture the first time around of trying to explain it to him, but anyway...

Few weeks ago...SB sort of took over the role of Big Daddy in my life... after it happened I found myself almost grieving the loss of Bing. I had wanted to talk with Bing about it (much to the chagrin of a few others I suspect). I didn't end up getting to talk to him about it, so decided to just leave it. I'm feeling better and SB is a new and yet fairly good Big Daddy. I have been enjoying this new addition to the non-relationship relationship (dating exclusively and only fucking each other, but not in a relationship for the better part of 9 months now...) we have going on. So yeah, again, still unsure where that leaves, besides just going with the flow.

I do need to curb my 'enthusiasm'...yeah we'll use that word for it. Green eyed monster comes out once in awhile and that's just not attractive.

anyway...

Derby... ay yi yi...where to start...actually I'll just say this. If I could afford dues and gas-wise to go elsewhere to play derby, I totally would.


Meh... I don't know what else to write about right now... I'm tired and I just want it to be Friday already.

I don't want to be invisible.

I love having impromptu Skype dates with my wifey (Burton) on a random Sunday night.
I was glad to catch up with her about her weekend last weekend when she was in Portland at a convention.
It made me step back from a blog post I was sitting down to make which probably would have been a lot of wondering and explaining...and blathering on about some other stuff (which I will likely still get to...eventually).

I miss my wife.

On Thursday I went out with Piper (haven't gone out for a while with him) he  picked me up and we went and sat in the truck out by the river in N-O-T-L out by one of the wineries.
Got caught up on life and had some happy leaf that got me semi distracted from our conversation...do believe I kept texting Sugarbear telling him how I wish he was home that night...
He tried to make a move on me... *shakes head*  gotta say 'happy leaf' makes me really fucking horny...however...not so much so that I forget my place...

I ended up working on Friday...I think it was my last shift...not sure that's all up in the air...but with the way that Farmer is going and pissing me off lately...not sad that it would be my last shift. Must admit though that I had more fun at this job then I've had at most of the others I've had.  I didn't mind packing the fruit...and the people I was working with...all truly interesting stories unto themselves. I'm glad for the experience.

Got to chit the chat with Squasha for a bit back and forth via What'sApp...he went off to Germany for Oktoberfest...nice. I seriously would love to be able to go to visit him in Switzerland...take some trips around to other places in Europe...

Oh...my pipe dreams...they are vast...lol

but any way...

The week started out great...it was my birthday and I got my way (To get a hug and a kiss from both the men I lurves on my birthday - I'm easy to please sometimes.)... I slept at Sugarbears place Sunday night (which I don't normally do) woke up with him at 4:30 in the morning...had a few minutes of snuggle time where I got a sincere yet sleepy sounding happy birthday from him before he got up to get ready for work.
I got up threw on my clothes and came home after getting some more hugs and kisses and another happy birthday from SB in the drive.
Got home...a very sleepy and yet happy dog gave me some kisses before I told him to go back to sleep and slipped into bed with The Man, who gave me a hug and wished me a happy birthday before going back to sleep...
Later in the morning... he took me for breakfast which was nice. :)

Tuesday...things went a bit wonky and I felt as though I got punched in the gut. (not going into great detail...) found Sugarbear on another social media site of sorts and noticed that on his profile it said that he was single, looking for a relationship and a couple of other things.
It made me sad at first...and then I got angry...really angry.
I felt that he had lied to me and that he was just using me.
If ever there was anything that would make me pick up shop and leave...it's lying.
I didn't and still don't care if he has the profile, the thing that bothered me was that it stated that he is looking...

I wasn't going to say anything about it until he got home on Friday and was going to discuss it with him then but...before I was leaving to go to a 'birthday skate' I just couldn't not say something.
My feelings had been hurt and I felt used, betrayed and not good enough.
We had had a conversation about the two of us not too long ago where it was a case of we were happy being together and that we wouldn't be looking for or having sex with anyone else... (sort of a big thing for me...) So to come across that I... I'm not even sure how to describe it...I just felt deflated...like all the air had been sucked out of the room for a moment.

Now yes we know that I can sometimes over react to stuff, however, I think I handled it pretty well when we were talking (via text - which btw big fucking kudos to him for starting the response with - 'I can't respond to this in text, won't get it worded correctly...' - text is a tricky fucking format when having a discussion with someone.)

So we talked it out and I thought, ok well knowing now that it bothers me I'm assuming he'll change it.
I felt much better having the reassurance there that he in fact is not looking and is quite happy in this non-relationship relationship that we seem to be in...lol (whatevs everyone calls him my boyfriend and me his girlfriend... people seem to need labels...)

Fast-forward to a couple days later (i.e. Thursday evening - after I got home from going for a smoke with Piper), I saw on my 'friend feed' that he had been active and what not while I was checking my messages. So I went over to his profile to see that we now have a mutual friend and chuckled at myself at who it was/is, and then noticed that it still said that he was/is looking for a relationship.

Didn't even get mad...got really disheartened...though didn't even really say anything about it until earlier this evening (Sunday) before I was leaving.

It bothers me. Shouldn't it?
Think what bothers me the most is the fact that by saying he's available and looking for possible relationships it tells me (even if it's not meant to convey this message) that I'm not important. I'm not good enough. He's keeping his options open in case something else comes along. I'm short term.

I've been these things. To others, I've been the weekend fling. The 'until someone better comes along'. The 'you're awesome and great but we can't be together'. The 'I love you but you're too much...'.

I've been made to feel unimportant, and the dirty little secret. I don't like it. I don't want to be that any more. Just made me feel like he's ashamed of me.

I know he doesn't love me, he's been quite up front and honest about that. There's a difference though. I'm not asking him to put anything up about the two of us being together, but to just not advertise that he's looking.

In comparison to how I used to be this is definitely not me over reacting but actually I think handling it so much better, because at least I'm saying out loud to him what bothers me and why it bothers me. Much better then clamming up and saying nothing is wrong and stewing over it for weeks and being passive aggressively bitchy...

It's the first thing that has really bothered me in the last 9 months with him. Seems so very minute of a thing and yet...

 .... meh.

Onward...

The house is coming along great for the hallowe'en party that we're throwing... Sugarbear and Myself are hosting, The Man has been awesome coming over to help me with decorating during the week...which sort of weirds Leethal out when she comes to help. I think she's still trying to wrap her head around our relationships. Last weekend, The Man came over to help Sugarbear with a
I personally love seeing the two of them together. Sure they are completely different, and yet have a few different similarities...probably how/why I love 'em both.
pool table. Then they headed to The Man's fathers house (45 mins or so away) to pick up a fridge and stove, then they moved a washer out to the road and moved the fridge and stove in... (The Man also came over in the summer-ish time to help Sugarbear build his deck) I told Leethal about the two of them working together on this stuff and she was just like 'Whaaat? I don't...what?! Really? They're alright together??'

Figured out some lighting issues thanks to Sugarbears creative thinking...so I'm feeling better about the light level in the house for the party. I'm getting really excited about how it's coming together.

Can't wait to post some pics of the finished product. I have people who can't make it to the party but they've asked if they could have a tour of the house when it's finished.

Went out with Sugarbear and The Man on Saturday, we were supposed to go see one of my favourite local bands, showed up at the place and it was packed and there was a big tent outside...didn't realize the kick off of grape and wine was going to be so big at this particular bar. So we got some drinks, listened to a few songs and then the tent portion was finished for the evening...and it was going to be impossible to get inside to the bar... so I'm hoping that we can maybe go next weekend to see them at another bar in town... 1st best part of my evening (the one that happened first) holding both of their hands whilst walking back to the car.... :)
If you want to hear about the other 'best parts of my evening' you'll have to subscribe to the R rated version...lol

....going to have to catch up in another post on another day...it's now getting on to 3:30 a.m.... I need to sleep...

...pfft.

Usually I do this the other way around and just post a link to my live journal so that Burton can get over here... but this time I actually posted over there so just posting the link to it here...

Mainly that happened because I was pissed...needed to vent and LJ was open...


...pfft. 

Where Have All The Flowers Gone...?

I keep thinking of things I'd like to post or ideas I have or thoughts that I'd like to get out...

Than I sit down at the computer and draw a blank.

One of these days I'll update a whole bunch and it'll take me hours, but for the last couple of weeks... I've been really really guarded and not wanting to express too much... because in my own head I've been having a real hard time of it.

I'm thankful for the friends that I can just drop in on or help out... I'm thankful for my school work... and I'm thankful that I'm about to be overwhelmed by a lot of sewing and knitting in the coming days... I'm thankful I got enough points in my Social Psych course that I'll be getting a Statement of Accomplishment!

Yeah it's almost Thanksgiving...can you tell...

Yeah... me too... I really hate September and October now.

I can't breathe.
I hate being sick.

Derby Blargh...

I fell in love with roller derby a long time ago, then I saw Whip It, then I went to Reno and got to see a real live bout where the person I was with at the time leaned forward and said in my ear 'I could totally see you doing this' which made me just want to do it even more...when I heard about it starting here after coming back from that trip out west I nearly peed myself from wanting to do it so much...we scraped together the money and get my gear and I started skating a year ago this month...I trained a couple times a week for a couple of hours each time...and I started getting better and more sure on my skates...then I broke my ankle...

I was determined to get back on my skates and get back out there and take my turn on the track...I went and watched practices...and at first I was ok with that... I was laid up and on crutches and knew that I couldn't get back out there with my team yet...I got ok'd by my doc in October to go back to skating but not to do full contact training...I wasn't allowed to skate with the league...my clearance had to be for full contact...for safety reasons of course...understandable....my attendance at practices dwindled because it would just make me sad and depressed but still held out hope that I would be back on my skates and skating with my team this coming season...

Then I find out that nope...I will likely not be skating with my team...I have to go through training again...yes understandable for safety reasons...I've been skating over the river at a rink since October...there was a freshmeat intake in November...couldn't go into training with them because I still couldn't convince the doctor to sign off on full contact...finally get him to sign off a week ago...come to find out that next freshmeat starts in May...

By the looks of it not only do I have to start my freshmeat training all over again I still wouldn't get to play with my team or skate with the league...because the next intake isn't being drafted until the next season...so that's another year...

....and stopped whining session here as it was just making me to upset...

went and looked up a couple of things according to our Code of Conduct I need to remind a few people about a few things...

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

It's not that I haven't had a whole lot to say it's more like I've had so much to say that I just haven't wanted to sit down and type out all the feels that have been happening for the last few months...normally I would sit and open up completely to my blog in a post but lately I've been very hesitant to do that in fear of those in my life who read it thinking they know better then I and making decisions based on stuff from here...

What happens with my blog posts is 'usually'...I feel something strongly I blog about it and generally the anxiety that comes from those feels goes away...like draining a wound...before it builds up too much pressure and explodes...ick nice visual there...

Well I haven't been doing that...all the anxiety has been building up and making me feel like I'm going crazy... panic attacks, depression, and lots of anxiety related issues...

Avoidance and 'trying to forget about it' had been working very well...but then I noticed that as more stressors came along my reserve would start to crack a bit...and as it cracked more and more that's when things started to affect me even more...

I would get the shakes and be paralyzed, my heart would be racing and my breathing shallow and even a bit laboured as tears would fill my eyes... or I wouldn't be able to catch my breath and would start to panic and start crying... or I would fall into these moods where nothing seemed to matter anymore, where no reason was ever good enough to do something because 'why bother we're all going to die and no one will even notice we were here eventually'... or I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything anyone was saying to me...they might as well have been Charlie Brown's teacher. I could see their mouths moving and hear their voices but nothing they said would make sense to me so I would just shrug and walk away...

The situations I was reliving over and over in mind were enough to drive me batty... I'm here, I'm not here then I'm here again...and it could happen as fast as a blink of the eye or...as slow as an hour... I would forget where I was and where I was going or why I was going there...

I would forget about caring.

I kept all this from everyone around me...especially the Man...

I didn't want him knowing how broken I was feeling...I didn't want anyone to know that I was a lot more broken then I was... and maybe I didn't even realize just how broken I had become

It obviously became more and more evident to me and I was still trying to keep it to myself and say that I was fine... but I wasn't.

Still not, I suppose. However, I'm alright with that. It hasn't made me too insane and I haven't gone catatonic so... I'm not 'that' broken.

I also hadn't been putting anything here because the last time I did I got a message from Squasha asking if I was still hung up on Private Pyle and the last time I talked to Bing about any of this his attitude was 'it's been 3 months what the hell? get over it'

I claim all fault for my own... I no longer say He broke my heart... I know it was my own fault... I know that it was all because of me.

Not going to throw blame around.

I am the one that fell in love.
I am the one who believed in fairy tales, love songs, rom coms...
I am the one that believed I could have a happy ending.
I am the one who believed that happiness could be mine.
I am the one who believed everything he ever said.
I am the one who made up the fantasy that maybe just maybe my love could change someone.
...and so on...

They say talking helps...apparently that is not something that he follows so I'll find another way.

Probably wasn't exactly the best thing to say to him but it was true when I told him I wanted to have the type of Friendship I have with DrunkenMonkey with him.

*shrugs*

We talk about life, our families, our significant others, our kids, our hobbies...we're friends. I don't think Bing really wanted to continue to be friends, can't seem to have conversations like that with him. We did talk like that once, a long time ago...but I think that was more of an act, part of the chase, part of him trying to make himself feel like he's still got it so to speak. Which makes me a bit sad, because, again, I believed him when he said we still would be talking and friends when I left, I knew I should have just followed my instincts and figured I'd never talk to him again.

Oh well.

When it comes right down to it... I'm a tiny ant on a giant rock hurling it's way through space until it's accompanying star decides to die out and I freeze to death with the rest of the little ants.
;) (that's right sometimes I am a joy) lol

I've been keeping myself busy...going out with Burton...going to the gym...going to watch practices...going out with Piper...just trying to get out a lot...

We're talking about moving...not the big move to B.C. that'll take time and some money...but downsizing to something more affordable housing wise so that we can put more money away toward the big move... One does not simply pick up and move into BC...lol

I think it would be really good for me to get out of this house as well... a lot of changes of stuff and what not have happened here in the last few years...but it's still the house that he was at...

So I suppose part of it is downsizing the other part is running away from a ghost that haunts me here. Either way they're both really good reasons to me.

 I don't believe I'm mopey... I believe I have finally been broken of my optimism and have been turned into a realist now...

For now I'll write what I need to...I'll write what I want...I will no longer feel responsible for how others take what I write. (and maybe later I'll actually write about stuff that's happening outside of me)

Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love. ~Christian (Moulin Rouge)

Too...many feels.

No Weigh In Today...But Try This On For Size...

Re-experiencing... Avoidance... Numbing...

Those are the three out of four that I have... I would have never thought it myself but when ya sit right down and think it through... I'm not sure if anxiety attacks would be a symptom as well but I do have those as well...

I would have never thought about it except that The Man made a comment that sort of stuck with me a few weeks ago until I finally started looking into it... I think if he hadn't made the comment I would have still been left wondering...

Now I need to figure out how to deal with it all...

It seemed to pop up even worse when stressed about the Manchild...which I should really sit down and vent about that situation as well...but...I just haven't had the heart to sit here crying to release all my frustrations while I type...

I started knitting again...

It's really therapeutic...it's like when Finnick just knots the rope over and over and over again during and after the Games it sort of keeps him from breaking down or freaking out...and when Katniss starts to feel herself slipping away and she visits with him he gives her some of his rope...and they tie and untie knots until their hands start to bleed just so they can keep it together (Hunger Games reference fyi)...the knitting seems to be doing that for me at the moment...just been sitting here each night knitting and watching Doctor Who...(that's a whole other blog post as well...my thoughts on Doctor Who and  on Whovians....lol)

I need to keep my hands busy or I start to feel a little crazy at times....so yeah...been trying to keep busy...

Anyway...I know I'm supposed to do my weigh in today but it seems that the devil of periods has decided to bestow upon me another gift...so...instead I give you the story I shared yesterday about my last year and my health and weight loss...weigh in to follow in the next day or two...


I wanted to sit down and tell ya all a little story about myself (how vain I know) :P

At this time last year I was approximately 225 to maybe 230 pounds. Of course I never would step on a scale because of the fact that well...I was fat.
Not only was I fat I was extremely unhealthy. I thought I had been eating a healthy and balanced diet when I was making sure that my family and I were eating from the food groups and not over indulging at meals, keeping snack/junk foods to a minimum and eating out rarely.

I, however, was no where near as healthy as I thought I was. I had been going to doctors for various reasons...had a heart condition, had issues with infertility, constant headaches, irritability, constant pain in my back, obesity and many other issues. What scared me the most was when I went to the doctor because I had had months of weakness, numbness, tingling and other strange symptoms happening in my legs and arms. I would be serving dinner and would drop plates full of food because my hands would suddenly go weak, or I would have to stay in bed for days because my legs would be so weak I would fall. I really believed that by the end of 2012 I would be in a wheelchair or worse.

My doctor had almost given up on me, having had me tested for some many things he had just wanted to label me as having fibromyalgia and leave it at that. However, me being the wonderfully persuasive person that I can be at times, told him that wasn't good enough. He sent me to a physiologist (who also has many other doctorates/certificates) who literally saved my life.

He put me on a very specific diet, gave me stretches that I have to do (to realign my hips, back, knees, ankles...) after having talked to me for nearly 2 hours to get a thorough medical history on me. It seems that I had sugar toxicity, where the foods I was eating when they would break down into sugar, as they all do at some rate, was slowly poisoning me. The diet was/is so strict that I can't have any grains, any starches or any sugar (of course)...and also had found out that most of my back pain was because I was way out of alignment in my pelvis and hips.

It's been nearly a year now that I've been following doctors orders (on the odd occasions where I'm an asshole to myself and have something I shouldn't)

Every month at the beginning of the month I do a weigh in and do my measurements from head to toe...it's one of my motivators (not a big one...but...) It's almost time for me to do it again...over the holidays I had made myself ill by eating stuff I really wasn't suppose to...(it was my first christmas with trying to stick to a strict diet...though I was good and stayed away from sweets)...

So since March of last year to last month I've lost overall 33 inches...and 50.8 pounds...(that's going up and down a bit of course...we all do) and going from a size 24 pants to a size 14...

What I need after doing this for a year (almost) is a group of friends who can help keep me going...during holidays, times of stress, that time of the month...when I really want sweets and comfort foods...

Xmas I believe of 2010 (might be 2009)

Jan 18th of 2013

Not So Bah Humbug...?

Me decorating black tree with silver and blue ornaments

So those who know me well or even just those that pay attention to these ramblings of mine should know that this time of the year generally isn't a good one...

New Black Tree lit up

New Black Tree

With the whole Dark Times...and the winter blahs...and the dislike of Christmas...it all sort of starts to add up and take it's toll on me...and frankly I was worried because of ontop of the usual stuff, is also the fact that I'm dealing with not really having Bing even as a friend anymore...

However... I've been pleasantly surprised by the fact that...it hasn't been as bad as usual...I've managed to send out Christmas cards this year...I've actually gotten some Christmas shopping done for the boys...and been having some good times with some friends...
Now that's not to say I don't have any bad days... I obviously do...but...They've been easier to handle this year...

Green Tree decorated

Green Tree lit up

Heck the kids even talked me into not just putting up one tree...but two...*shakes head*

I ended up purchasing a new Christmas tree this year...a black one that already had lights attached to it...and was just going to put that one up...but after I got that one set up the boys asked about setting up our regular green one as well...*shrugs*

Why not we have the room...so me...the one who never has christmas spirit put two trees up in the same room...lol

Look At Me! I Can Stop!

Last Thursday I went to watch derby practice for a little bit and attend a quick meeting the league was having...after the meeting they announced that this practice was a 'fun skate' and there would hot chocolate and cookies to be shared... Burton asked if I could go home and get my skates so that I too could skate 'funly' around the hall...I could...so I ran home...changed ad got to skate with the league for the first time since I broke my ankle in June...I couldn't stop smiling...it was so awesome to skate with them again... and it was also so awesome the warm reception, encouragement and support that I got from everyone...

I need to stop chewing my mouth guard.

Some would slow down, skate with me and ask me how I was doing or how it felt or just tell me they were happy to see me on my skates again... some would zip past swat my backside and tell me I was looking good...

I was so happy that I wanted to skate for hours...I didn't...but I managed an hour and a half...lol

Burton, Nickle and I all went over to Buffalo the next night and went to a big (relatively speaking) pagan gathering celebrating the solstice...while there I got some henna done on my arm...and danced through the ache I had in my ankle...tried to make Nickle laugh as much as I could since she's having a bit of a rough go at it right now...Invented a new dance while there...possibly a few.... 'I'm a tree....I'm a bush...I'm showing my bush...I'm humping zee bush...I'm a gorilla...' yep all that altogether...awesome dance...
The DRD were there so of course a fun time was had by all.

Today...after paste was all gone

I bought a henna cone so that I could sort of touch up part of my design and maybe do another design another time...but while trying to use it yesterday the seam broke open and it gushed out the side and end of the cone...so I contacted the woman I bought it from and explained what had happened mainly just to give her a heads up...she told me she appreciated the feedback and wanted to send me a replacement...and also thinks she knows what may have happened...mainly that the cones had been sitting under a lamp nearly all night so the henna paste may have gotten too thin from the heat and also that may have affected the seam...

Spiral Dance 2012

So she's asked for my shipping address so that she can send me out a new one right away...very nice of her I may say. :)

We had been talking about how she does Henna parties...I know there's parties for everything nowadays...but totally thinking of doing one...just need to find some people that would be interested in getting together for a night of hanging out, who have 20 bucks and want to get some henna...lol

Most of my friends have 'real tattoos' so dunno if they'd want to...Hell last night while talking to DrunkenMonkey he was all...dude just get a real one...I'm like...dude that takes money and I have commitment issues as it is...lol




Ooooh! I'm also a very happy girl because I finally got to the LCBO (liquor store) and bought a bottle of Mead...and saw some Kraken while there...batted my lashes at the Man...and came home with a bottle of each...ALSO while there I spotted that it now carries the Honey Jack Daniels...OMG...yup...next purchase will be that...and then a bottle of Lucid....(expensive shite I tell you what...) but have always wanted to try it...Yeah apparently my wishlist at the liquor store is longer then my Amazon wishlist...lol

Kraken came with baby bottle of Tequila!

We Are Not A Peaceful People.

I have a bunch to say today...Hopefully I'll get it all said before I have to take the family for our portrait...

Yesterday a gunman shot up a bunch of kids in a school in Connecticut and a knife wielding man cut down a group of kids in China...

I'm not going to sit here and lament over the problems with violence in the world today...because frankly violence has always been quite prevalent and I'm not saying that in some sort of callous manner to say everyone should just take this as a normal occurrence... I'm just saying there have always been tragedies...reckless abandonment...wars...mindless and senseless violence...that has rocked a world and made the inhabitants go 'whoa...I can't even comprehend the depths of this sorrow filled tragedy'...

The earthlings will take stock of themselves and vow to change the world and make it a better place and how we should have stricter gun laws....how God shouldn't have been taken out of the schools...how maybe if parents loved their kids more...maybe if there was no teen pregnancy...shootings are the presidents fault...
There will be lots of lobbying for anti-gun legislation....there will be religious groups that will be up in arms...

Look at history... there has always been violence...it's in our nature...just the majority of us can keep that part of our nature in check...we sit back and look upon situations like these with horror on our faces... but deep down inside we know that we could do that...if pushed far enough...we could all submit to that level of hatred, anger and malevolence...mowing down anyone in our path... whether with a gun, a knife, a car, or even right down to our bare hands...

We Are Not A Peaceful People.

As much as we reel in horror...I think it makes us stop and think.

I know I have a darkness within that I keep in check... I acknowledge it... I've even let it creep out a little bit over the years to sate it... just to hurt people...not to kill them...and not to physically hurt them (at least not since grade school)... but to make their life difficult...so I could watch them struggle...and have them look to the sky and say 'why me...'

But that's my darkness.

I sat down and watched my FB, statuses just kept scrolling up my screen about how their hearts were breaking... the lack of understanding how this could happen... the accusations... the stories of what happened...

Truly. No one knows what actually happened. At least no one that is still alive. The only person that knows what truly was happening or happened was the guy with the gun. Everything else is speculation...some more educated guesses then others...but all in all still speculation...

Maybe I have finally grown up...and decided to not have an opinion and reaction to everything...maybe I'm just still in 'I don't give a fuck' mode...maybe I'm no longer concerned about the world as a whole and am only interested in my own family...or maybe...I've just calloused...

Or maybe...just maybe...I've realized that I can't fix the worlds problems and that really the only thing I can do...is to try to raise my children in such a way that...they don't hurt the people they love, they consider the feelings of others, they're honest about and with everyone...and that violence should only ever be used as a very last resort...

I know that's not going to fix the world and it's problems... but maybe it could make it just a little bit better.

I had wanted to give an update about how my week has been and my happy moments...but on the tail end of this post...nah...

I'll post later on about the other stuff...

Just needed to get that out of my system...

Fun With Words

I love the English language and how wonderfully diverse it can be...however it can also be a fickle, strange, twisted and fucked up mistress...I always thought learning other languages were difficult....having tried to learn and retain as much French, and to also try to learn Spanish...I found/find them difficult...

However, looking at the English language now, especially when the boys have some sort of homework to do, or when they just run across new words that they don't know...sometimes it makes me sit back and go 'hmm' no wonder they find that confusing...

I don't tend to think too much about everyday conversations and the words used...

However, when I'm sitting down to write a letter, an email or some sort of correspondence with someone that I don't know very well...I think long and hard about what I'm saying, how I'm saying it and how it might be perceived...and that's when I definitely make sure that I know what each word means and if they have multiple meanings and how each one could be taken...

I also like to use words that some people assume they know the meaning of...such as the word awful....the 4th definition of the word Awful is full of awe; reverential... most people don't think of that definition...so when used with that in mind as it's meaning it throws people off...

So when you use a word that some depict as a positive thing and it actually can be something not so positive it's more of a backhanded insult and it can be fun to have them thinking that you complimented them when in actuality you just told them you hope they die....

*chuckles*

Fun with words... I love words... they can be the softest sweetest most loving things....or they can be the most vile, evil, heart-wrenching and cruelest things you could ever wield... it all just depends on mood (usually)

And for those literal minded people like myself... word play can be so entertaining...

For Example....

 

But I Thought It Was My Bed...

I know I said while in Reno that I was there saying goodbye to Bing...and pretty much had every intention to because well I knew that he found May and wanted to pursue things with her...

I was trying to be an adult and step back away from my feelings for him and figured a clean break would likely be the best way...

road to hell is paved with the best of intentions...right?

when Bing said to me at the airport that we'd still talk and he had told me that he didn't want me out of his life...there was that small glimmer of hope that I somehow would find a way that I could for all intents and purposes sort of push him into the 'friend zone' or at least a lot closer then I had him before May came along...

I've not been able to.

I was really kidding myself thinking I could.

Everyday...whether it's his hoodies, his tag, his sweater, jogging pants, t-shirts, toque...I've generally got something of his on and wearing it...who exactly was I kidding...

A couple of weeks ago I asked him if he could send me a shirt back that I had left there. Of course offering to payback any monies he'd be out for shipping it back to me.

As I lay in my bed today curled in a little ball crying after speaking with him I realized that I was no where near close to being able to put him in a friend zone and continue to try to keep any sort of communication with him.

Lately we've not exactly been chatty and I of course get left with the feeling of...when I do talk to him...that I'm bothering him and that he would much prefer to be doing something else...that is when he does and is able to respond...

I had noticed that the only time he would talk with me was while he was at work... so I figured I was just sort of a distraction during his work day... but then it dawned on me... he was only talking to me while at work... probably meaning that was when May wasn't around... so today I finally asked him again if she had moved in... yep... a 'few' weeks after I left... I suppose that's better then the few hours I had predicted originally... so now everything was put into perspective... not willing to speak with me on skype...not really answering my texts on his days off...

If I had of known ahead of time...I likely would have just stopped trying to communicate with him at those times and definitely would have stopped asking him to speak to me... *shrugs*
Well now that I do know...I said I would do those things...

As a matter of fact I will stop bothering him altogether when I get my shirt back.

Twice I've laid myself out there baring it all out for him...stuff I barely have admitted to myself until it comes out when typing...and gotten nothing about it back from him...

I don't want that to happen again...there is nothing like exposing yourself completely to someone and having the equivalent of someone just standing there staring at you...you suddenly feel like a fool very quickly...

He doesn't understand what it is I go through on a daily basis...really no one does as I tend to keep it to myself...the deep dark stuff...and really I feel as if he doesn't care what it is I'm thinking, feeling or doing...for if he did...he'd ask...right?

Isn't that what people who love you do... they ask about you, about your life, about your health and family and everything?

That's what I do with my friends...the internet doesn't hold all the answers...not to that stuff...if it did then people would be a lot more honest...they wouldn't just say I'm ok... or everything is fine...

When I ask people how everything is and how they're doing it's because I care about them and really want to know...I don't care about or love many people... so when I do ask, it's because you might just be one of the very few people I do love.... and I want to know what's going on in your life and how you are down to your very soul...

People aren't like me... I'm finding this out every day...

When I told Bing today that I would fade away after I got my shirt back...he told me I was being melodramatic... I figured I'd just let him in on what I expected to happen and what I would be trying to do after I received my shirt back...

I was trying to be honest and up front.

I believe melodramatic would have been if I wailed...threw my arms in the air at the announcement that May and her (at least one) daughter was now living in a house that I really considered a home to me, proclaim that I just couldn't take another day of this loss and loneliness and that I was shedding this mortal coil and going to throw myself in front of an oncoming train in my finest dress after having eaten a very expensive meal...

That... I would think would me being melodramatic...*shrugs*

Me saying I'd leave him alone... well not alone alone...but...bah whatevs...
Any way...didn't really think that was being melodramatic...

I know guys aren't exactly known for being emotional or touchy feely or talking about how they're feeling... but just once I wish he'd let the guards down and tell me...you know...what he thinks/feels about what I've told him I'm going through...

damn him to hell for being able to just stow his shit and appear to be so unaffected by anything and everything...

Like I've said before...I'd like to be able to have the type of relationship I have with DrunkenMonkey with Bing...where we can talk about anything or nothing...have fun just shooting the shit...DrunkenMonkey has a girlfriend...she's alright with us talking...*shrugs*

I guess this time the Stones had it correct when they said you can't always get what you want...but I just might find...I'll get what I need... and in this case... I think I need to keep my crying...depressed...can't get him out of my head or heart...sad and lonely feeling self away from him...

That way I'm not making him feel bad, or sad, or guilty or anything...that way he can think of me when he wants to...not when I pop up in his phone...or he can just forget about me...that would probably be even better...

I've decided I want a tattoo...no news there... but it's what I want as the tattoo that I want... I wish I had it in Bing's handwriting but I guess I'll have to suffice with it in some other font...would be so much better if I could get him to write it out though and send it to me on a piece of paper...

...just a girl on the other side of another country...

Lots of people use tattoos as a release as well as a symbol of something important or big that happened in their lives...I did...my first one was...and even the ones on my feet...are symbols to me...
And that would be much more meaningful to me then just some random piece of flash work from an artists wall...


I just want to feel something...anything...besides pain and sadness.

I sent (the photographer) The Major a text the other day asking if he'd be interested in any black and white artsy type photos of the embodiment of sorrow...I could totally nail those at the moment...he said yeah...so when I see him next I think we'll definitely talk some more about those...they won't be pretty but then again...it's another form of release...

because God knows I'm not handling this the right way with scarfing down pizza and soda in order to have some sort of comfort food when I'm feeling really down...

I Notice...

Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly running to catch up...

I was reminded in a conversation last night with a friend of mine why it was that I don't really trust people who tell me that they love me and that they are my friend...

It generally gets to a point where those who are my friends go off and find people who they'd rather hang out with... and I start to get left by the wayside...I get it...

season...reason...lifetime...

sometimes the reason comes and goes and there's nothing I can do to hang onto them...they just slowly fade away...

some fade more slowly some not so much...

what's worse is knowing that they're fading away and watching them have fun with others...or still seeing them but feel them pull away from me with each time we get together...

I used to think I was being paranoid...but when it's happened that way so many times I can't help but see the signs now...

what's worse is when the other persons involved don't even realize that it's happening...all of a sudden one day they'll say 'oh hey we haven't hung out in a long time' ... or ... 'we should totally get together because we haven't in a long time'

they've been so busy that they don't notice...but what they don't know is that I noticed...I don't have many people in my life and when they start fading away... I notice.


I don't blame them...I'm not a very exciting person.

dare I say it but..I think I'm damn near perfect for you...

I'll post about Thanksgiving when it's over...which is later on today...

I have to sit and wonder  after a conversation that was had last night...if people ever feel like they're good enough for the ones they're with...

we all have our flaws and faults...we all have those little things we wish we could either make go away or that we could minimize so that we seem more 'normal' to the ones we care deeply for...

then I suppose there are some of us that when get called on our shit we nod and apologize bashfully as we try to remember to not do that again...

I've always tried to be a more 'take me as I am' kind of girl so that there's not a whole lot of surprises to make the other person look at me and go 'wtf that's not what I signed up for?'

One of the things...my things...my little faults...ok not so little... is that I question everything...doesn't seem so bad on the surface but I'm an inquisitive lil shit I tell you what... I question motives, feelings, the way things were said, gestures... unfortunately some of the time (a lot of it) my questions makes it seem like I'm fishing for compliments or something akin to that... when really I'm not...all I'm really doing is trying to sate a curiosity that I have....

Big Daddy once told me that I was like a cat...I think that sort of goes along with the things he listed as why...

I think by and by I'm a pretty ok person... I know I pull off the bravado sometimes of thinking I'm awesome...but I really do have my ego in check... I start wondering about myself when in a relationship to sort of make sure that I'm not being a jackwad...and if I am then I try to keep myself in check...

But what happens when someone else is being the jackwad...you're supposed to call them on their shit right? ...kind of that whole 'keep them honest' thing...? However what happens if they already know they are...?
I know I asked that question before and sort of answered it as well...

Big Daddy calls me on my shit and I appreciate it in the long run even if at the moment it will sting a bit...eventually I will nod and go 'yeah he's right...' but I sort of let him get away with most of his shit... I think it's time for the goose to keep the gander accountable as well... I've not wanted to upset him
but I think after something he said last night that he'll be needing a kick in the butt every now and then...and since I'm such an awesome girlfriend I'll be willing to give it to him...

a friend of mine (Pirate Girl) uses the phrase 'truth walking' when her soon to be PirateMan holds her accountable for things she's said or done...I kinda like it... because it's not a bad thing...

btw he's now used the term girlfriend in regards to talking to or about me twice now...and it's sort of made me smirk and get all warm and fuzzy...even though as a 30+ year old it generally feels weird to use the term anymore... lmao

if I had one wish in the world (which I already told Big Daddy about) it would be that he sees himself the way that I see and love him... I know I should wish for lots of money or something along that lines but I really just wish he could see why it is I have chosen to love him so very much. (not that I could ever choose to stop now...)

and now I have to actually get out of bed and prepare for the annual nerf war and thanksgiving dinner at mum's house...