I know I said while in Reno that I was there saying goodbye to Bing...and pretty much had every intention to because well I knew that he found May and wanted to pursue things with her...
I was trying to be an adult and step back away from my feelings for him and figured a clean break would likely be the best way...
road to hell is paved with the best of intentions...right?
when Bing said to me at the airport that we'd still talk and he had told me that he didn't want me out of his life...there was that small glimmer of hope that I somehow would find a way that I could for all intents and purposes sort of push him into the 'friend zone' or at least a lot closer then I had him before May came along...
I've not been able to.
I was really kidding myself thinking I could.
Everyday...whether it's his hoodies, his tag, his sweater, jogging pants, t-shirts, toque...I've generally got something of his on and wearing it...who exactly was I kidding...
A couple of weeks ago I asked him if he could send me a shirt back that I had left there. Of course offering to payback any monies he'd be out for shipping it back to me.
As I lay in my bed today curled in a little ball crying after speaking with him I realized that I was no where near close to being able to put him in a friend zone and continue to try to keep any sort of communication with him.
Lately we've not exactly been chatty and I of course get left with the feeling of...when I do talk to him...that I'm bothering him and that he would much prefer to be doing something else...that is when he does and is able to respond...
I had noticed that the only time he would talk with me was while he was at work... so I figured I was just sort of a distraction during his work day... but then it dawned on me... he was only talking to me while at work... probably meaning that was when May wasn't around... so today I finally asked him again if she had moved in... yep... a 'few' weeks after I left... I suppose that's better then the few hours I had predicted originally... so now everything was put into perspective... not willing to speak with me on skype...not really answering my texts on his days off...
If I had of known ahead of time...I likely would have just stopped trying to communicate with him at those times and definitely would have stopped asking him to speak to me... *shrugs*
Well now that I do know...I said I would do those things...
As a matter of fact I will stop bothering him altogether when I get my shirt back.
Twice I've laid myself out there baring it all out for him...stuff I barely have admitted to myself until it comes out when typing...and gotten nothing about it back from him...
I don't want that to happen again...there is nothing like exposing yourself completely to someone and having the equivalent of someone just standing there staring at you...you suddenly feel like a fool very quickly...
He doesn't understand what it is I go through on a daily basis...really no one does as I tend to keep it to myself...the deep dark stuff...and really I feel as if he doesn't care what it is I'm thinking, feeling or doing...for if he did...he'd ask...right?
Isn't that what people who love you do... they ask about you, about your life, about your health and family and everything?
That's what I do with my friends...the internet doesn't hold all the answers...not to that stuff...if it did then people would be a lot more honest...they wouldn't just say I'm ok... or everything is fine...
When I ask people how everything is and how they're doing it's because I care about them and really want to know...I don't care about or love many people... so when I do ask, it's because you might just be one of the very few people I do love.... and I want to know what's going on in your life and how you are down to your very soul...
People aren't like me... I'm finding this out every day...
When I told Bing today that I would fade away after I got my shirt back...he told me I was being melodramatic... I figured I'd just let him in on what I expected to happen and what I would be trying to do after I received my shirt back...
I was trying to be honest and up front.
I believe melodramatic would have been if I wailed...threw my arms in the air at the announcement that May and her (at least one) daughter was now living in a house that I really considered a home to me, proclaim that I just couldn't take another day of this loss and loneliness and that I was shedding this mortal coil and going to throw myself in front of an oncoming train in my finest dress after having eaten a very expensive meal...
That... I would think would me being melodramatic...*shrugs*
Me saying I'd leave him alone... well not alone alone...but...bah whatevs...
Any way...didn't really think that was being melodramatic...
I know guys aren't exactly known for being emotional or touchy feely or talking about how they're feeling... but just once I wish he'd let the guards down and tell me...you know...what he thinks/feels about what I've told him I'm going through...
damn him to hell for being able to just stow his shit and appear to be so unaffected by anything and everything...
Like I've said before...I'd like to be able to have the type of relationship I have with DrunkenMonkey with Bing...where we can talk about anything or nothing...have fun just shooting the shit...DrunkenMonkey has a girlfriend...she's alright with us talking...*shrugs*
I guess this time the Stones had it correct when they said you can't always get what you want...but I just might find...I'll get what I need... and in this case... I think I need to keep my crying...depressed...can't get him out of my head or heart...sad and lonely feeling self away from him...
That way I'm not making him feel bad, or sad, or guilty or anything...that way he can think of me when he wants to...not when I pop up in his phone...or he can just forget about me...that would probably be even better...
I've decided I want a tattoo...no news there... but it's what I want as the tattoo that I want... I wish I had it in Bing's handwriting but I guess I'll have to suffice with it in some other font...would be so much better if I could get him to write it out though and send it to me on a piece of paper...
...just a girl on the other side of another country...
Lots of people use tattoos as a release as well as a symbol of something important or big that happened in their lives...I did...my first one was...and even the ones on my feet...are symbols to me...
And that would be much more meaningful to me then just some random piece of flash work from an artists wall...
I just want to feel something...anything...besides pain and sadness.
I sent (the photographer) The Major a text the other day asking if he'd be interested in any black and white artsy type photos of the embodiment of sorrow...I could totally nail those at the moment...he said yeah...so when I see him next I think we'll definitely talk some more about those...they won't be pretty but then again...it's another form of release...
because God knows I'm not handling this the right way with scarfing down pizza and soda in order to have some sort of comfort food when I'm feeling really down...
No comments:
Post a Comment