Thursday, March 31, 2011

Mother is the bank where we deposit all our hurts and worries. ~Anon

The Boychild got hit in the chin with a stick. *grr*  

I hate when he walks in the house with blood all over his hands and blood dripping from his face... and I know that any boys reading this will probably shrug and just wave it off to 'boys being boys' ... It kills me to see my kids in pain.

Also the fact that I can't go out and kill whatever it was that hurt him, bugs the crap out of me.

I guess he and his friend were playing in the park across the street and he ended up with a pointy end of a stick in the chin. I cleaned him up and sent him off with the Man to go to the walk in clinic...thankfully it was a bit too little for a stitch... the Boychild was really scared about possibly having to get one. So they patched him up further and the two of them came home. (I had left to go to Burton's place)

One of the things that I can not stand is seeing my boys hurt... whether it's physically or their feelings...

Boychild didn't want to go to school this morning, he was afraid that the kids at school were going to make fun of him having a bandage on his chin.
I just hugged him hard, kissed his chin, told him I loved him and told him to hang tough at school. Told him if anyone asked to tell them he cut himself shaving. That made him giggle a little.

broke my heart that he has to worry about that shit... he had a good day... a couple kids asked about it but stopped asking after he said he didn't want to talk about it...

I know I'm a mama bear... I know I'm likely a little over protective of my kids... but I don't want them to have to deal with some of the shit I had to... 

we took the Manchild to his high school interview (we as in his dad - my ex - and I) and all I could think was omg... I want to keep him home and home school him... high school sucks emotionally... for boys and girls... and frankly I wish I could protect him from all that bullshit... I know I know I know... baby birds must fly and all that shit... but doesn't mean I have to like and/or be comfortable watching what's gonna happen in this next stage  of their lives...

*sighs* 

I'm glad I dye my hair... cause if I didn't I think I would be completely gray by the time the Boychild gets 'into' high school...

who knew being a parent was going to be so rough... 

on a good  note he went to his cub scouts tonight... and was given the 'helper' badge after the leader was told about him helping the old lady around the corner from us, by shoveling her drive even though she told him she had no money... and he has two other badges he'll be getting next week... 

I Love my Boys. 


Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Sometimes I cannot feel my face ... You'll never see me fall from grace

So I had wanted to sit down here and discuss karma... and how when some shit happens I'm glad that I can now sit back ... take a deep breath, smirk and just shrug it off as what others wish to do or say... I can't make them take back the insults or the rude things they say to others... I can just decide to not waste my energy on anger that they'll never know about anyway... I found a saying that I absolutely love and it has become my mantra of sorts...  

'How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.'


When I first read that it's like a light went on and I just suddenly knew... and since then... I've not gotten angry about what others have said about me to the extent that I used to... I acknowledge that it was shitty of them and move on...

And really... there's too much shitty-ness going on in the world today that to dwell on the pettiness of others is to just be as shallow as they are...

So the other night when it was brought to my attention that someone that was being super duper nice to my face has been super duper cunt-y behind my back. I chuckled and shrugged and said that's the way they are.

I'm not gonna get caught up in the llama-drama...


Tonight I went to Burton's planted our seeds for our gardens... had a lovely dinner... had some giggles... and was about to type something else about it and totally can't remember what else I was going to say...

-....fifteen minute pause...-

Oh right!

she shared some leftover taters with me! and they were yummy... bit soft because that's how ta-toes get when in the fridge... but they were as I said ...yummy! (oh and her onion bread was faboo...told her only way it could be better was to add cheese...lol)
So she told me how she made 'em... so I'm going to definitely try it out after I do some shopping... I really do hate the end of the month... it gets me so frustrated that I want to punch a baby...

but while we're on food... I made a dumpling stew the other night that was awesome... made the dumplings and kneaded shredded cheese and jalapeno relish... zomg! I need to do that again... way to yum filled... and not as spicy as one would think...the 'stew' part of it some how ended up tasting a bit like the gravy mix that you would find in a turkey pot pie... lol not sure how that happened but I could do it again ;)


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I want to write a song that'll get you high...I want to find the words that'll make everything feel alright now

video

Oh the craziness that ensues when alcohol and Lions are mixed together...

This past weekend I went to the Lions Convention here in town that's for the district... yes I'm no longer a Lion but the Manchild has become a Leo and my sister is still a Lion so she brought the two of us along for some fun... I've always loved the Friday night craziness that happens when we take over the hotel... I had been joking that they decorated the place for us in Industrial Chic... they're renovating the hotel and with their wise thinking they threw all us party goers up on the 4th floor for the hospitality rooms...

So Friday night was spent wandering around the hotel... having some food, some drinks and some laughs...

Saturday I spent all day just laying around doing nothing...oh the joy in doing nothing... though had to go to bed earlier then I normally would...

Was up at 7am on Sunday to go back to the convention to go for breakfast with my Sister and the Manchild...came home from that and spent the afternoon trying not to fall asleep on the couch... that didn't work... the Man brought over a couple of mini muffins to me while I was laying on the couch... ate the first one just fine...started munching on the second one... and apparently mid way through eating it I fell asleep...wtf right??... I woke up a few minutes later with muffin still in my mouth... I couldn't believe it...I haven't been that tired since I was a kid... ended up in bed by midnight... I was crazy tired...

So I don't remember if I had posted anything here since the whole getting sick thing and taking some gorp back to the store for fear that it was that that made us ill.

So yeah... the Man took it back to the store, they were awesome about it, filled out some forms, told him what they were going to do about sending it back to the suppliers for testing... it came from a bulk store, so of course if there's something wrong with it, it could become a big issue... they sent it out the next day to corporate, and the day after that a woman from corporate office called me... the woman on the phone was super nice...she told me they had received the package and were contacting the suppliers so that they may retest their stuff as well... and then offered a full refund of my receipt... I thought when she said that she meant full refund of the stuff I had returned... the Man went to go pick it up from the store and nope it was the entire receipt...  that was cool of them.

I'd type more but I'm getting really tired... so... more later...

Friday, March 25, 2011

She's A Good Girl, Loves Her Mama... Crazy about Elvis...And Her Boyfriend Too...

Every once in awhile someone comes along, however people usually come along into your life, and they become a friend of sorts... they get tucked away in a neat little box with a label that tells; where you found them, how much you like them, and what sort of relationship it is you have with them...

Sometimes the label changes for better or for worse... but generally they stay relatively the same... then sometimes the label gives the facts about them but it doesn't quite cover everything...

Others you go back to the box and find that the label has changed without you ever really noticing... lol

My poor friends in their little boxes tend to change... a lot.  I feel bad for them. Some of them realize that their label has changed if we suddenly aren't speaking as frequently, or about things we used to talk about.

Or sometimes it's good changes, talking more and about all sorts of stuff...

But you know me I'm more likely to reflect on those who have changed... the ones that hurt me...

Every once in awhile someone comes along who can hurt me with the merest comment... I know they don't mean it and truly it's not their fault in the slightest...

It comes down to me putting more expectations on the relationship because of having been closer to them some time ago. So I take to my blog and I whine and I complain and I get it out of my system and they're never the wiser that they've hurt my feelings due to my thinking we were closer friends then they. I then go on my way.

Generally he does know who he is that does it... which is sort of odd...

So it's that time of the year again.. I'm off to the convention tonight...I'm not going because I'm still a Lion.. I'm not going because I miss the other Lions... I'm not even going to see who's still there... I'm going to troll hospitality rooms... that's right I'm going trolling tonight for free food and free booze...I tie one on once a year.

and so far with the way this year is going... I'm gonna need it... I'll be thinking of you four while I troll about in a hotel getting my drunk on... lmao

Thursday, March 24, 2011

aujourdhui ca va mal moi aussi

First FB/Twitter/Plurk status of the day...

Dear Migraine,
This is my head go find your own.
kthxdinao

Pain.... I am in it... and it is in my head... I is very grizzly like this morning and it is a mere 8:30am...

I just turned to the Man and in a low growly voice said "I is very grizzly today" ... he said that he was too but more in the way that he wants to go hibernate... I said I was in the way that makes me want to kill someone...

oh yeah gotta love hormonal women! *fist pump*


but enough about me... let us talk about the Boychild this morning...

Last night he was supposed to be going to his cub meeting, but due to some miscommunication and this white shit called snow... he didn't go but he didn't find out until he was already in his uniform and snow suit...and he had started shovelling the snow in the driveway for his ride...

So the Man went out and told him to come on back in that they weren't going anywhere. He shrugged and said he'd finish shovelling first. So then he pokes his head into the house and says 'Mom! I'm gonna take the shovel and go see if anyone would like me to shovel for them!' After looking at the time quickly (6:30pm) I told him that it was fine but just a couple because it was already getting late and he still needed something better then a sandwich for dinner. So off he went...

Just after 7 the Man got back from going to the store and asked if Boychild was back yet. He went out to find him when I told him that he wasn't.

So about 20 minutes or so later, the two of them come back. The Man had found him and he had just started to shovel a guys drive, so he took over and did the drive for Boychild. I guess the owner opened up the door and jokingly asked if the Boychild would get the money. The Man explained that yes he would but it was time for the Boychild to get home so he said he'd finish up.

The Boychild asks for a dollar to do a driveway... two people gave him five and another lady gave him three (she apologized and said that she hadn't been out that day, she had wanted to give him more). There apparently was one lady who thanked him but said she didn't have any money, he described her to the Man as being 'an old lady'... and that he did her driveway anyway.

he's such a thoughtful little kid... I beg and plead with the Divine to keep him that he stays that way...


And now for something not so tooth decay invoking... TMI warning...

When the Man and I weigh ourselves on the wii balance board we generally do it naked... not a pretty sight I tell ya...we keep the curtains closed for that portion... I looked over and said what's that hanging off your balls... it was some fluff and apparently my hair... to which I responded 'Stop rubbing your nuts on my head when I'm not looking'  - ok we have the weirdest and funniest relationship...

like how is it we're joking about how many sphincters are in the human body and then I tell him how as I'm trying to fall asleep that my ex comes into mind... 'could it be because he's a sphincter?'... um probably...

I hope this migraine goes for a flying fuck off before I have to leave today... I have to go and put on a smiley face for the Manchild's entrance interview at the catholic high school that we want him to go to... and I have to deal with my mum and my ex... so it would be most helpful if my head would co-operate... took an excedrin migraine pill... on an empty stomach... ugh... need food to stop the civil unrest in my stomach now...

so... for now... yoga... food... maybe a nap...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

...red blood bleeding from her now...cold blue ice in her heart...feels like kicking out all the windows...setting fire to this life

I've made two posts since the last one and it seems they didn't go through for one reason or another... so I guess what I had to say in them didn't really need to be said...

so this past Friday I was invited to a ritual by some 'old' friends... I was a bit apprehensive about going because I thought the big red head would be there... and I seriously want her no where near my life any more... if I never see her again it'll be too soon... because frankly I like the fact that she just doesn't exist anymore in my life.

so Burton and I went and we had a freakin' great time... got to see my all time favourite pagan woman in the entire world... and it was just nice that she was the first person I saw when we got there...

we did a simple planting ritual (one I've done many times) but it was great... just seeing them again and getting to just be a part of a ritual where you can feel the magic in the room... feel the energy from each one of the women... and yeah it's gonna sound wonky to some but.. bah

I just had a lot of fun on Friday and can't wait to go and see them again... ooh oh oh! not to mention that I found out that my favouritest person is now living down here rather then living up in Toronto, so hopefully I'll get to see her more often.


I got up on Saturday morning feeling alive and replenished and rejuvenated... and then apparently ate something that did not agree with me... spent the rest of the day either running to the restroom or curled up on the love seat while the Man was curled up on the couch...unfortunately for the Boychild we had to tell him from our sick couches how to go about making himself something for dinner... he learned how to make rice... he wasn't impressed with his first try but ate it... I felt so bad for him... but he was happy when he saw that I was feeling better the next day...

up and off to another rit... it was... pretty much as I had expected... not a lot of energy...but a lot of showmanship... got home and got picked up again to go and grab some much needed stuff (such as cat food) at WalMart... and then back to give a client a massage... it was a full day... it was full of smiles and a bit of creepy niceness...

so got up today and did a workout and then proceeded to do nothing... *laughs* I was supposed to tidy up...hang up laundry and what not... but nope... productive day was very unproductive...
what I did do was this evening I 'took one for the team' (so to speak) ... I wanted a snack and I was either going to go for some yoghurt or some GORP... so I went for the GORP... knowing full well that it was literally the only thing I had eaten Saturday morning while I was feeling great... so after a bit of discussion about how it might make me feel the same as Saturday... we decided that it would help us to better determine whether or not it was the GORP that had us feeling like fucking crap... and lo and behold after having a small bowl of it.. my stomach started twisting... so here I sit with my tummy doing some flips...and I'm hoping that it only does that and not exactly what happened on Saturday....

I really liked the quote of the day for today... "Toleration is the greatest gift of the mind; it requires the same effort of the brain that it takes to balance oneself on a bicycle." - Helen Keller

I had a very 'Dave Matthews Band' day today... I sometimes forget how much I love the music that comes from him... and how much his lyrics strike home with me... until I start listening to him again... I go in cycles sometimes with my music... lately it had been a lot of Mumford & Sons... love them but it was all starting to feel the same when I was listening to them... which is the first sign that I've been listening to something for to long and need to switch it up again... so it was DMB today...


I want this entire outfit!!
it's definitely Spring time... I don't need the calendar, the sun or even the lack of snow to tell me that... my body tells me so... lol I'd explain that further but anyone who has seen the movie Bambi will understand...

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Oh,Daddy dear... You know you're still number one... But girls... They wanna have fun

Since I became sexually active (which was a really young age) I sort of knew that I liked girls as well as boys.

If I had to put them in some sort of order boys would definitely comes first by like a lot, but not exactly what I wanted to talk about.

I always have been attracted to girls but I never acted too much upon it because you never know when they're just joking around. I generally take it as such until they bonk me on the head and say 'Dude! Are you dense?!' lol

So I guess I'm sort of like some guys in that respect because believe me we females really do throw around a lot of mixed signals.

I've only really had two hardcore female crushes, and only was able to start acting upon one of them. Jewel and Sugar...lol and those names suit them really well. Sugar has since moved away and I've only seen her once since then. Jewel I know that she's still in the area somewhat because she had sent me a random email at one point and got my hopes up that we could be friends again.

Ya see... the night that she decided to act upon all the joking around that had gone on between the two of us was I night where I had been sick and been on anti-biotics... any women reading this might do the "Oooooh!" of realization when reading that little nugget of info. I don't feel like explaining it here...just know that it caused some frustration in regards to getting all naked and snuggly. Which of course Jewel took as some sort of rejection from me... which omg it wasn't.... and that's when it went downhill but I could never explain it to her as it was embarrassing.

fast forward to this morning...

Laying in bed I had a dream about her this morning and running into her again...which I would really really love to do.

It makes me wonder if I should try to get in touch with her again...in her last emails she had said that she doesn't get online much because she works all day in front of a computer so the last thing she wants to do is to get on one when she gets home from work.


Just thinking about her gets my all smiley and a bit of butterflies...it's really strange :P

I'm not just playing a guitar....I'm playing a guitar that sounds like dolphins.

Sitting here watching American Idol ... yeah it's my dirty little secret... but it's music so you should figure it hides somewhere in my life... not that it's my only dirty little secret...but I'm not sharing those tonight... ;)

I was saying before how I had a bunch of stuff on my mind... just seems like if I started typing about it that I'd never stop and as I've said before I've been told that my blog posts are too long sometimes...

well first and foremost... totally got my Starbucks cherry popped tonight... and that was a memorable experience... Burton and I went after going with her to get some groceries... I got a Chai Tea Latte... and was introduced to Red Velvet Whoopie Cake...  both were equally delightful!


I'm not going to go into what Big Daddy's going through at the moment as it's not my business to share... but I just wish that I could be there to hug him when he needs one and to try to him out however I could... I heart you Big Daddy and hope beyond hope that everything works out for you.

Now to weigh in about Japan... well ya had to know I was going to say something about it...

Some of the reactions to the Quake/Tsunami/Nuclear Power Plant stuffs that I've seen in my journeying through the interwebs have been nothing short of disheartening...especially those reactions from our neighbours to the south... some of the ignorant things I've seen people say just make me want to cry... whatever happen to compassion for your fellow man?

I came across a link to an image that someone put together a bunch of status messages from facebook... the common factor was (two actually) all American... and all were saying how all of this happened/is happening to Japan as payback for the Japanese bombing Pearl Harbour... WTF?! I was just so fucking sickened by all of them... there was over 50 status msgs just on this one image... I cannot believe that any one would say that... the ignorance that has come to light is just disgusting... People commenting about how the President is dumb/stupid/retarded/a terrorist (yeah that one floored me) all because he was sending aid to Japan...
Does the general populace of the States have selective memory recall? do those particular people forget about Hiroshima? H Bombs?
*shakes head*
I just don't get it. It's a grudge held onto by people who weren't even around when it happened.

The comments about how it was God doing it...(several reasons given) but pretty much that God would never do anything like that to a Christian country like the States... rly? wtf?

My heart goes out to all those in Japan who are affected...hell my heart goes out to the world right now...as we'll all be affected by this for some time. I think it's wonderful how countries from across the world have gotten together to help out in this time of need.

*deep breath...inhale...exhale....* and now... I'll move on before I digress further...

It made me angry today when I found out that a friend of mine that works at a medical facility, of sorts, was at work when they had no water... none... no facilities for bathroom needs, not able to wash their hands, no running water... so decided to do something about it... hopefully something comes from it...

Since my last post... the Man has moved into the temple for bed time... (the room next to our bedroom)... it's been really kind of odd, hugging him good night and then going separate ways to go to sleep... and I've always said that people who sleep in separate beds are just really odd... yeah... I stick to that.
He asked how I had slept the first night we were apart... I told him that when I finally got to sleep it was good...but I could hear him snoring through the wall... *sighs*
So when he goes back to the Respirology doctor he's going to see if they'll lower the machine so it doesn't hurt when he wears it at night... he too doesn't like sleeping in separate beds. Which..I'm thankful for.
Too bad his next appointment isn't until July 25th... *facepalms*

Got to play with an ipad this past week when in Future Shop getting the boys birthday presents... oooo I liked it... but then again I like the idea of the tablets...

gah... it's taken me hours to get this post out... I'm getting really tired now that it's nearly 1 am...

I'm done for now... update on doctor, the movies and working out maybe tomorrow...

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Have You Had Your Knuckle Sandwich?

When I was younger, a teen in high school, I had come home really late one night with a friend of mine who was sleeping over. I don't to this day remember where Bobbi and I had been that night only that we had been late for dinner and that I hadn't called. When we got home my Mom was really bitchy and instead of putting up with her bitching at me (us) about not calling and being late I started bitching at her right back. I o course was sent to my room and Bobbi was told to go ahead and get some supper from the kitchen.

I was bitching at my mother all the way to my room and was going on and on about how life was unfair and all that sort of teenage angsty shit.

I had forgotten that my dad was on the midnight shift and so I didn't remember that he was in bed at the time that I was doing all of this until suddenly he bust through my door.He back handed me in the mouth before I could even figure out he was in my room let alone smacking me. The blow sent me stumbling back onto my bed where I brought up both my legs and started kicking him. He smacked me it the face a few more times before he finally left my room again.

That night I left. I went out the window. The only problem was that my byfriend at the time lived across town in Fort Erie, where I was in Crystal beach. I only had one sort of friend at the time that lived close enough to me that I could get there before anyone would realize I was gone. Jordan's house. Though I hadn't talked to him in awhile.

I got to his place and talked to him. He lived with his grandmother at the time. They gave me a place to sleep. I ended up in his room while he slept out on the couch. I promised his grandmother, who didn't want any trouble, that I wouldn't be staying and that yes I would be going to school the next day. I didn't have any intention of going.

It was in the middle of the night and everyone was asleep. When I awoke to the sound of my mother's car. I crawled out of the bedroom I woke up Jordan and told him what was going on. He woke up his gran, and pleaded with her not to let them in and to tell them that I wasn't here.

She didn't and she did. She stood there arguing with my mother and my sister telling them that I wasn't there and that they hadn't seen me. I laid there in that bed thanking her profusely for sticking up for me and not letting them in. It was after all almost 3 in the morning.

He thanked his gran and she just muttered something about how I'd better be gone in the morning.

I was we made it look like I was going to school, but we snuck into one of the abandoned buildings nearby where we could see the road. We planned on hiding out there until the local transit was about to come by so that I could catch it down to Fort Erie.

I saw my mothers car go by a couple of times and was thankful for the hideout.

Five minutes before the bus was to come by I ran down the street because Jordan needed to get back to the house and I needed to get to the bus stop.

It was like a scene from some after school special, just as the bus was pulling up, so did my mother and father. He was out of that car swearing and shaking a fist at me while I was trying to wave down the bus to stop. It didn't.

So I started running from my father, finally I heard my mother scream at him... I'm not exactly sure how it happened after that. Somehow my mom convinced me to get in the car and told my father to walk home. It really wasn't that far. I went straight into my room and shut the door, my mother told me to get ready for school. I told her that my father had broken one of my teeth when he decided to back hand me in the face.

Thus ends that story... So I was having this odd dream this morning that helped me figure out why it is that for three weeks I could get up no problem at 7 am and now suddenly I'm dragging my ass out of bed, much later than that. I'll get to that after.

So this dream sort of mirrored the above story. I had gotten up and got the boys all ready for school and sent them on their way. Came back to bed and went to sleep. My sister came in and she commented about how the daylight savings time always screws with her clock and I was saying something about how it seemed to put me back on track again. I went to sleep. Then awoke to my mother bringing in a bag of cheerleading uniforms (likely because of the movie I watched before bed) and instead of just setting them down on the floor she threw the bag of them on me and started bitching about my still being in bed and how I was never going to get up and workout and lose any weight if I'm constantly sleeping in. So I got bitchy at this and started kicking my legs around causing all the clean uniforms to scatter all over the floor while yelling and bitching "Yeah here ya go here I'm working out how the fuck do you like that? do you think I'm losing weight now ma?!"

And like a blast from my past my dad busts open the door and moves around the side of the bed and has this look on his face that says 'yeah you know what comes next' to which I surprised even myself with saying 'Yeah I do'. I got up out of my bed an adult now, not some scared teenager and I cold clocked my father with a right hook. The look of surprise on his face and my mother's, who was at the door, especially as I came around with a left next. Then stepped up and kneed him right in the stomach. "Yeah, I'm not little anymore and you're no where near as scary." I said as I pushed him out the door into my mother, and then proceeded to throw all the uniforms out the door. Get this, I then got back into bed and went back to sleep.

My mom and dad haven't been together for over 10 years now. I think that's the part that  surprised me the most out of the whole thing, I was wondering what my dad was doing in the same house as my mother. I'm not sure why I didn't wonder why it was that my sister or mother were in my house.

I wasn't able to get to sleep until after 4am. Which even then  I had my alarm set for 10 am so that still would have been 6 hours sleep so I should have been able to get up. I have a feeling that it's because of the Man that I'm not getting a good night sleep. Between his snoring and his sleep apnea (which he isn't wearing his machine for any longer), I'm not able to fall asleep until I'm just too exhausted to stay awake.

I was able to go to bed at 2am and get up at 7:30 am in order to get the Boychild to school while he was gone to his mothers, and after taking the kid to school I would come home, work out and still stay up the rest of the day. That changed to being unable to do that...as soon as he got home.
The only nights that I was able to do that were the nights I took sleeping pills. I don't want to spend the rest of my life taking sleeping pills just to get a good nights rest.

Something's gonna have to change.

You Bring A Heart With You Next Time...

Someone please tell me how it is you get through to a teenage boy that he really needs to take care of his skin... and how do you convince a 10 year old that he needs to brush his teeth... short of me having to go in there with him and do it myself...

Unfortunately the Manchild is finding out the hard way what acne is, and I hate to tell him that when he gets to high school they'll really make fun of him for it, and that's the last thing I want for him. As it is he's being sent to a high school where he's really not going to know anyone. He's really charismatic and funny and smart, but they're not gonna see that. If I think too much about the shit he's about to go through at high school I would do everything I could to keep him home... gah this parenting thing sucks large...

It's the beginning of Spring break here for the kids... we haven't got much planned and it's not like we were able to go on a vacation... so today was filled with board games, video games and movies...now what to do for the rest of the week... lol

I know I have a bunch of cleaning I'm supposed to be doing but really... when the kids are here cleaning is usually the last thing I want to be doing... but you know... sort of my job and all...

I was telling the Manchild today when I got up that I kept having dreams about his dad being in prison and for some  reason we lived right down the street so that when his dad was out in the yard he would go down and talk to him through the fence. It was a really strange dream. The kid thought it was funny and even gave me a reason as to why his dad might be in prison.

A lot of shit been going through my head lately... I suppose once I figure all the stuff out and am actually able to verbalize it a bit better I'll likely sit down and bore ya with it...

and now since I'm such a homebody I'm gonna go get ready for bed now that Gridiron Gang is over...

oh and before I go I just want to say... it's nearly impossible to do the Lotus Focus (3 minutes of meditating on the wii balance board) with the Man, the Boychild, the Manchild and two of the cats (especially when the cats are looking for lovings) in the living room...

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Talk and song from tongues of lilting grace, whose sounds caress my ear... But not a word I heard could I relate, the story was quite clear

I'm starting to think that there's something wrong with me... yeah yeah yeah... besides all the cognitive defects that I seem to have...

The Man got home on Sunday... Monday I had 7 episodes...and was in bed until 4pm... it was my rest day for my workout routine...
Last night we went to bed at midnight...got to sleep just before 2 ish... today was my rest day for my work outs as well... could not physically get out of bed until after 3pm...

I was finally able to get up and was starving... like it felt like I hadn't eaten in a week... (yes I know what that feels like)

I've been light headed today and I just have a general feeling of unease...

I'm pissed at my wii fit right now as it's been saying that my weights been going up the last three days... The Man thinks it might be water retention or something... but I was not a fucking happy camper in the least...

My head feels way to fuzzy after sleeping that long... it's ridiculous to sleep that long... most of my day was just tossed out the window... I just hope I'm  not coming down with something...

Though talking about that... I'll be getting my GP to refer me to a new cardiologist next week... hopefully this new guy (Krammit's cardiologist) will be able to help me out a bit better then the woman in Niagara Falls has...
I mean seriously 14 cardiac episodes in a three day time period is not normal... so I want to talk to this guy about getting me on a monitor to see what's what... and hopefully he can think of some miraculous treatment for me... I'll definitely say no to beta blockers this time... those things made me go crazy last time... anytime I sat still for more then 5 minutes I'd pass out from my heart rate being lowered so much... so I guess I'll be updating about what happens with the new cardiologist...

I need to make dinner and figure out wtf is wrong with me... and apparently the Boychild would like to watch a movie so I guess I'll bitch and moan some more later...or not...

Monday, March 07, 2011

Apparently my Wii Balance Board is worried about my health...

Today was Monday at it's finest.

I woke up and was ready to start the day when I was reminded by my heart that I can't always do what it is I want to do.

it's now 11:25pm and in total I've had 7 episodes today.. the last was while laying on the couch with my head on the Man's lap while watching House M.D... I feel bad for Imhotep (the cat) as I had to quickly flip from my left side to my right side while coughing to get my heart rate under control... Imhotep was laying on my thigh, I flipped and he got pinned between my leg and the back of the couch... the sweetheart didn't even complain just waited until I realized I was squishing him a bit (aka when the Man told me he was pinned there) and moved my leg...

So tiring...

I once explained that it's like running a marathon with never getting up.

It took me until after 4pm to be able to get out of bed... and then when I got up it was just to get some clothes on go to the restroom and then to lay on the couch... needless to say it was a bad day for my workout routine...

It was an awesome feeling though today when I did my weigh in... that's all I could manage to do today... and as it is the Man and the Boychild set it up so I could stand on the board to do my weigh in...which I had dropped another 2.2 kg since yesterday... but I suppose that's what happens when you don't eat all day... lol

And now I'm about to head to bed because again I can barely keep my eyes open ... here's to a better tomorrow.

He didn't say it...But I assumed it...

I said I wouldn't get my hopes up and that I would keep my squee under control... I suppose it was really premature...

My squee has been squashed and my hopes have been dashed... I'll still keep a finger or two crossed... but I know that I probably shouldn't...

damn you budget stuffs... *shakes fist*

I'm gonna go cry now...

Sunday, March 06, 2011

'Cause all of my demons have withered away...Demons, withered away...You'll understand when you go my way...

Somedays...like today... I just lay back and think...

I was sitting here on the futon in the temple, I had just finished an almost two hour workout, the Manchild and I had set up camp in here to get away from the distractions in the living room, namely the Boychild watching Yu-Gi-Oh, so that he could work on an assignment his father gave him to do and I'm writing a couple of papers... I realized I hadn't taken any time since I was rudely awakened by the phone to just sit and be. Sounds crazy I'm sure but I like a few moments of solitude when I first wake up in the morning and to say hello to the day.
So I just laid back and closed my eyes, and when I did I just let random thoughts go swirling about in my head as I just laid there breathing and listening to the music playing and the Manchild writing his paper.

I started thinking about the people in my life that I've deemed important... those I feel close too and those I wish to keep in my life... and those I may need to distance myself from...

I do this on occasion and especially when I feel as if those I wish to spend some time with don't wish to spend any with me... and I'm not talking about calling them once and them saying they're busy... I'm talking about those that when I call, never answer the phone, never return messages, not showing any interest in my life and what's happening in it, those that ask how you're doing and then cut ya off while you're answering because they obviously didn't care in the first place... ya know that type of behaviour that just gives you this feeling that there's either something wrong, or that they don't seem able to make the time to talk to you for five minutes...

Yeah so I was doing that... and whoa I realized that I have a really small circle of friends and even those that were in that close circle in November...their numbers have dwindled further... lost 3...though I gained 2...for now I suppose...we'll see how it goes...

I take stock... I don't find it weird but I suppose others may. I think back to what was going on in my life a year ago, and compare it to now and see if it's better, worse or stayed the same...and am I happy with that?
Then I decide if it's worth changing or if it'll change itself, or if it's worth the bother of saying or doing anything about it. nothing like taking inventory of yourself and your friends.

Does it seem to analytical? or too systematic? I don't know... maybe it does.

It boils down I guess to I trust who I trust and I don't trust those I don't... Trust isn't exactly a hot commodity these days so it's nice to find those people you can trust... even though after so many that you can't... it's just bloody amazing to be able to find it in yourself to trust someone with who you really are.

Another new adventure starting again...this time with Burton...hoping it turns out a lot better then the last couple.
Part of me is sighing and telling I'm stupid for doing this again. Another part is screaming at me that I'm a glutton for punishment. Another part is whispering that she's just another that's going to leave. Where as the majority among the rest are feeling pretty good about this. We'll definitely see though.
History has a tendency of either repeating itself or teaching some much needed lessons...we'll see how it works this time.



So I'll and work on some papers again and see what's what tomorrow when the Man is home.

Saturday, March 05, 2011

But it was not your fault but mine, and it was your heart on the line...I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear.

I'm supposed to be typing up some write  up's that I should have done months ago. All the information is sitting next to me, computer is in front of me here on the futon (laptop/netbook) and yet I'm just sitting here... I'm listening to Mumford & Sons and screwin da pooch on the net... I'm tired.

I'm tired all the way down into my bones... I wish I could just close my eyes and sleep for weeks.

I'd up date about my workouts and how that's going.. but that's just boring reading material for anyone else.

Too much working over time of my brain and not enough really good sleep. Maybe the distractions that I've been dwelling on will be distracted by me actually getting some work done.

Hopefully.



Thursday, March 03, 2011

Random Things That Went Through My Head Today...

Generally people don't really want to know how you are... they usually will ask 'How are you?' out of habit not because they actually care about how you are... usually they don't really want to hear it either if you start to tell them either...

Sometimes it's just really hard to get out of your own head.

I love showers... they are one of the few times that I do what some have suggested - just be in the moment every moment - there's something about a shower and bath that just... mmm I just can't even describe it... because if I tried it would end up turning all sensual and sexual and stuffs... only because that's the closest I can get to the description of it and how good it feels...

If I was made in God's image... God is one good looking, sarcastic, smart ass, pervert... I'm just saying.

I didn't realize that to step away from social sites means to step away from friends as well.

I thought I'd have until he was 16... I guess not... it starts already... I just hope that I can hold up and not take it personally when I get texts from him, I don't want to seem like the bad guy. I don't want to seem like the guilt-ing mom. He doesn't get it and right now because of his age, he doesn't care.

I hate being so tired that I start dozing in my chair.

Get All These Men Out Of My Dreams...

It's like remembering that there's cookies in the cupboard, go running out there only to find nothing there, the cookies are all gone.
That's the feeling I get sometimes... just that *gasp* oo oo ooo ... *groan and sigh*  - let down.

What really sucks ass is when you're in the midst of typing up a blog post and then your browser goes for a shit and you lose half the stuff you're working on because the auto save seems to fail you... *facepalms*

And I need to figure out why there was a big male reunion in my dreams last night... I mean not just Big Daddy and the Man... that's normal... but add in there Squasha, Iblis, Drunken Monkey, Narkash, Ooboo and Jersey... and just to make matters worse throw in my Dad... I was like what the fucking hell... I have no idea what was going... never found out why they were all there...


One of the things I despise is to not be given the chance to try to be there for someone when they're in need of mental/emotional support... it's like I end up making friends with only people who shut down and turn away instead when they're dealing with stuff.

I don't blame them, it's hard to trust people, it's just being an empath I can feel their depression and sadness/gloominess... and all I want to do is be there for them... sort of hard when only talking to them through a box... and I'm not going to get into the whole debate of you can't truly know people via the internet... because to me it's bull pocky...


My heart goes out to them...

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

How Long Is To Long To Care?

I think I'm done...

for those who know me and will read this ... the comments of  'it's about time' will probably come up...

The Drunken Monkey had come back into my life... as I've said in other posts he had apologized to me for being such a douchebaggy dick head all those years ago, asked if we could be friends (to which I responded with alright after his explanation of how he didn't have any left anymore)... I know I'm not the first person to be friends with their exes... I much prefer that to having hatred toward someone...



He's always had a bit of a drinking problem... hence his name... it used to be used to blow off steam.. but now it just seems like every time I'm talking to him he is so drunk and high on meds...I don't take the bullshit answer of it was because of having been in the military... yeah sure I know how the American military can really fuck up the men and women that end up naively signing up...

There's been a few times where he's told me that part of the reason he drinks is to deal with the pain and memories of his past and his past fuck ups... I get that... as someone who used to drink everyday to numb it all I understand it all to well... but there's a time when you have to stop, get through the pain of it all and get on with live and getting drunk on a couple bottles of vodka just isn't going to do it...

I have to keep from crying as I remember how he used to be and what it is that he's turned into... I complain to him that he only ever calls me when he's drunk and or stoned on his meds... but he assures me that the only time he drinks is the nights he calls me... I call shenanigans on that shit... then the other night he drunk skypes me and I again mention the drinking and how he needs to stop... and he tells me that when talking to me is when he feels like drinking... that I make him have the need to drink...

Tonight I'm in the midst of a normal conversation with someone else and all of a sudden up comes my skype and it's him... totally fucking wasted... talking to me about how he's started a vlog... he recorded 5 videos in one night... and you could see the progression... or I should say the digression from totally sober and funny, to drunk and dumb...

He's very charismatic... drunk or sober... could likely sell a freezer to an eskimo... I find my heart so heavy after talking/listening to his ramblings... and discussing his drinking again...it doesn't help that he seems to genuinely care about my opinion about everything except his drinking... I just want to cry...

And it has nothing to do with being in love with him or anything like that ... I know that I'm not anymore... I do care for him on some level or else I would so easily be able to turn my back on him and let him pickle himself...

it's like I have this ridiculous notion that I could help him...and I guess that's what saddens me the most...

I told him that if talking to me makes him feel the urges to drink then maybe I should just not talk to him anymore... then he'd have no reason to drink anymore... he just went into some rant about how the raspberry vodka he had tasted like shit so he was going to just guzzle that one but the cotton candy vodka he would sip because he actually liked the taste of it... didn't even hear what I had actually said...

*sighs*

I think I need to call him when he's sober and have a talk with him about no longer talking to him when he's been drinking... I'm tired of feeling sad and on the verge of crying after talking to him...